From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Black Sabbath – War Pigs
[Press 'Play' for the original version. The end credits have a mix of this, but when i bought the OST track on Amazon there were no vocals attached, even if they were there in the film version. Fuckers.]
i think i was the first person in the world to see this film and i’m not even kidding all that much. There was a sneak preview of it here last night (2014-03-04) at 9pm and here’s some proof of that. Don’t worry, on Friday y’all can enjoy my sloppy seconds.
Ramblings: 300 (on a scale of 0-10)
Final Proof: 4 Shots
You know how you get drunk at a Roman orgy? You chug so much wine your bones feel soft and you can’t feel your skin and you pound so much mead your eyes drip with it and the buzz goes past drunk to a high so high you feel like you’re drinking with the gods and everything you see is brighter and bigger and cooler so that you’re high in the arena looking down on killer battles being played out for your amusement and then you get drunker because you’re high in the clouds looking down on the epic earth with a view no human has seen before. Sure, there are moments when you need to visit the barfatorium and evacuate your guts out to make room for the next round and between gladiator fights everyone makes these boring ass speeches and even the gods babble on about their personal problems far too long but you don’t mind much because it’s their party and it’s a small price to pay for the ferocious madness you know they’re going to drop in your lap right after. Soon you’re back reveling in the sex and the flesh and the stench and the mess that’s so intense you overload your senses and drift off into a pleasure coma. Then, when the orgy is eventually over you lie back sated with a smile on your face and can’t wait for the next one. That visual gratification that aural satisfaction that sensory overdose is what 300: Rise of an Empire brings to the fucking orgy.
i fucking loved the original 300. i went there not knowing what to expect and kind of figured i’d probably hate it and then it knocked me on my ass and spit in my face while i sat there mouth opened in awe of all the movie getting shoved down my throat.
That’s why 300: Rise of an Empire kinda worried me. It was going to be impossible to surprise me now that i knew what to expect. Also, i loved the shit out of the first one and so the second one was going to have to work its ass off to impress me. Well, it did and i was.
What we liked in the first one was fairly simple: lots of action, slow motion, and cool special effects. Noam Murro, the director they tapped to replace Zack Snyder who was no doubt suffering from performance anxiety after how hard he rocked our worlds in the first one, knew this and turned all three of those things up to 11. The action was harder, the motion was slower and the effects were specialer. There were a couple times i caught myself mouthing the words “Holy shit” to myself and scribbling it in my notes because it looked so fucking great.
Be careful, though. You know me (and if you don’t, it’s contagious), i’m like a little kid in a little boy’s body and that means i can super get into shit. i don’t sit around and analyze grown up crap and over-think these things to death. i feel movies with my balls, is what i’m saying, and what my balls felt about 300: RoaE was that it went past redonkulous and teetered on the edge of ridiculous. So there may be some jaded ass mother fuckers out there who are going to tell you this movie sucked because it’s exaggerated but you and i both know they’re wrong. The problem with life is that it’s too fucking soft and normal and sometimes we need something exaggerated to make us feel alive. In that respect, 300: RoaE puts out more often than any lay you ever had and does it better.
Were there downsides? Stop reading here if you don’t know want to know what they were, but if you really want to know, really, then imma tell you. One thing that got up my nose were the floaties. i think Noam wanted us to feel we were there in the film and so he had these particles floating in the air in almost every scene. There were dust motes and wheat chaff and embers and sparks and mist floating all over the place, and they were all the more noticeable as i saw it in 3D but instead of looking like they were floating around me, i kept looking at them rather than the action.
The other thing i had a problem with were the speeches. Seriously, i know there were some in the first one but were there really this many and were they really so repetitive? i mean, the weak link in 300 were the over dramatic one-liners the Spartans kept shouting out and there were less of those here but Jesus, every 10 minutes or so i had to hear a speech about how they were fighting for a free Greece and liberty and democracy. So fucking what? i don’t give a shit why you’re fighting our who you’re fighting for, i just want you to fight and make it look good, please.
While i’m on the topic of looking good, let’s move onto Eve Green–literally would be nice but we’ll have to settle for her acting job in this movie which was just awesome. i’ve seen her in other movies and thought she was very attractive even if her boobs are much too large for my taste but she’s a beautiful brunette with blue eyes and so on and so on. But here she had a chance with a serious part and she took it all the way there and then brought it back home and taught it the meaning of life the whole time. Brava.
Finally, i’m going to have to card one of the actresses here. For those of you new to the Bar None, we have a strict policy concerning minor actresses which is 1) there are only officially released photos and 2) these photos are not included in the section with hot photos of adult actresses. Nothing age inappropriate going on here, Barmaids and Beerhounds.
The lovely Jade Chynoweth (15 at the making of the film) portrayed 13-year-old Artemesia and she did a fantastic job. A very talented actress (and dancer), Jade certainly has a brilliant career waiting for her out there on the other side of adolescence.
A sample of my notes:
- When Xerxes stands to speak above the people… Holy shit what a shot
- Was there this much history lesson in the first one?
- Visually…Holy fucking shit wow
- Eva Green kills it–rocks her role
- The story catches up to and parallels 300.
- The headless dead body falling on glass shot didn’t work
- Gorgeous. Over the top
- A lot of slo-mo but i love it, it makes the pleasure last longer
- A visual masterpiece
Not even his own soul can be sure.
One of the silly lines
- Distant shots look like Diablo
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½ Shots
You know how in 300 there was only romantic talk between the queen and the queen? Yeah, not here. There’s a real sex scene and it’s way more about pounding each other than loving each other because it’s between the enemies Artemisia (Eva Green) and Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton). At first you think Eva Green might me too famous to take off her top, then you remember she’s French. Let’s just say Eva Green topless in 3D is redundant.
Here’s a taste of that.
There are more shots down at the bottom in my drawers. Scroll all the way down until you hit the warning.
We also find the lovely Lena Headey who comes up short in many departments compared to Ms Green (oh come one, i’m talking about her talent!) but still looks good enough to fill out a collage like this.
There are shots of her in the same drawers down there as well.
- [Right at the beginning a] hot woman toplessly dragged away by Persians in slo-mo with shaky boobs
- Eva Green’s breast plate has room [to protect her nipples if they get hard]
- EG’s [Eva Green] seduction scene of Themistocles is slow and out of place
- Themistocles succombs – he’s not that heroic
- Rough sex
- [Glimpse of] topless harem girls with wine
Only two little references, but i didn’t really care that much ’cause i was way too much into the rest of the movie.
Who will share their wine with me?
- EG pours Themistokles wine on barge before sex
Rock & Roll: 5 Shots
A rare honor indeed. i was tempted to hold back a half shot for all the speechifying they made me sit through but i’m not that kind of guy and the action they had here was definitely 5-star material. They had at least four major battle scenes by my count and each of these was incredibly long yet still varied and filmed in a way easily enough to see. So many fight scenes nowdays are filmed in a blur to hide the lack of talent of the actors and the directors, but not here. Everything was slowed down and zoomed in so you were so close you could laugh at the buckets of blood being spewed around by every wound.
The music (not including the “War Pigs” mix at the end, which was incredible) was pretty boring and not as hard as the first film but it wasn’t so bad as to be distracting from the cinematography which was better than Avatar if you ask me. So un-ultra-realistic that it looked better than reality.
- Stupidly unreal blood and battles in slo-mo. i love it. This is what i came for.
- Invention of suicide bomber
- Cool sea monsters
- Great final battle sword play. Well choreographed
- War Pigs (cool mix) with credits
- Majestic end credits
Boring Technical Crap
Directed by: Noam Murro
Jade Chynoweth – 13 Year Old Artemesia
Eva Green – Artemisia
Lena Headey – Queen Gorgo
Sullivan Stapleton – Themistokles
You should really see 300: Rise of an Empire because it’s like sex with your hot cousin: if you don’t think too much, it’ll be the ride of your life.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
This is the warning i warned you about. From here on out, it’s nothing but sexy.