In keeping with the FCC’s Equal-time rule and in an effort to keep the international Functional Alcoholic Slurperson election fair and balanced, i have generously decided to donate advertising space on my blog to my fellow can-idates .
Name: Praying Manther
Sex: Yes, please.
Age: 36, what’s yours?
Occupation: Serving time–and you.
As an Alcoholic
- I hold parties in my basement and serve cheerleaders Bacardi rum and beer.
- I drink some too.
- I’m good at story telling (like regaling my 16-year-old and his friends with tales of my sexual exploits).
- I’m a DJ during my parties.
- I’m good at DIY. I’ve even installed a pole for dancing in my basement.
- I’m a good motivator, like yelling ‘Get on the pole!’ to the cheerleaders.
- I’m computer savvy, to the point of posting the photos of my campaign parties on Facebook.
Slogan: If I can serve minors, I can serve you.
Paid for by Partakers of Al K Hall For Our FASe
Election Day is Coming!!!!
i’ve decided that Tuesday September 8, 2009 will be the official election day for the international Functional Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe).
Make sure you’re here on that day to miscast your vote!
Currently Drinking: Water. Take yesterday’s hangover and compound that with jet lag and the fact i have to go back to work tomorrow and you’ve got yourself a pile of crap that stinks a lot like dry day.
Hangover Forecast: Sunny with a cold, cold heart.
Pour Man's Amaretto Sour
- 2 shots Amaretto
- 2 parts grapefruit juice (pink is best)
- 1 part orange juice
- 1 part 7-up (optional)
- 1 teaspoon Maraschino cherry juice (optional)
- Drop 3-4 ice cubes in the bottom of a scotch glass
- Add the double shot of Amaretto
- Then both the juices
- If you’re gonna splurge, now would be a good time to add the 7-up
- If you’re really splurging, throw in a spoonful of cherry juice
- Drink up
i found this recipe thanks to my mom, who was unable to find sweet & sour mix in the middle of a forest. It doesn’t taste anything like a real Amaretto Sour but it doesn’t taste bad either.
Currently Drinking: About to finish the half bottle of Smirnoff Ice left over from last night. (i drank a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of tequila beer and half the Smirnoff Ice.)
Hangover Forecast: Sun showers. i won’t be physically hungover but i’ll pro’lly be mentally hungover from last night’s binge.
Who Is He?
Some guy from some MTV reality show called Laguna Beach who is unknown enough to fail entrance exams to small clubs. He doesn’t even merit his own Wiki entry so i’m not sure he really exists.
An already wasted Wahler got shut down by bouncers at the door to the Ocean Avenue Brewery in Laguna Beach at the beginning of August. Smart enough to plan ahead and get his buzz on before bar bouncing, Wahler was also wily enough to slip past the door guard twice–he was spewed out both times. He had a violent reaction the second time and police were called in.
Why He Deserves a Mug Shot
The wannabe wannabe (’cause he’s such a minor personality he wants to be a wannabe) was charged with public intoxication and battery. Why battery? Because not only did he throw a punch at the arresting officer, he also threw both his shoes into the bar–and no Bush was even in it!
To make sure he got a Mug Shot of the Week, he got busted with only 11 probation days left on a previous drinking arrest. (It seems he went down for criminal trespassing, assault and…and… wait for it…here it comes underage drinking in April 2007 when he brawled with some guy on the lobby floor of the Western Marriot. This time he punched a security guard in the mouth and police found him passed out in the third floor hallway. Not wanting to leave anyone out, he hurled racist insults at the arresting officer.)
Still, let any among us without drinking sins cast the first shoe.
Currently Drinking: Merlot.
Hangover Forecast: Cloudy with big chances of rain. i just got back from a booze run (a bottle of red, a bottle of white, a 40 of tequila beer and a Smirnoff Ice for hangover remedy tomorrow).
Just so’s ya know, Miss Demeanor and i will be on the lam from the man for most of August.
i’ll be hiding out in my own personal Camp David (as in ‘Hasselhoff‘), an isolated retreat in the State of Inebriation, preparing my campaign strategy for International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (FASe).
i’ll be able to re-enter this country on the 28th of August, so look for a new post then.
Until then, i’m leaving you guys the keys to the Bar None. Stay as long as you like and feel free to poke around whatever drawers you want (by that i mean, exploring the links, especially those from last month where you’ve got like 15 differently hilarious posts to read, plus the Tag Clouded Vision and Categorical Drinker widgets which are right over there ———-> in the column next to this post, not to mention the Al’s YouTube link or the variety of pages waiting patiently in tabs at the top of this column…).
You’ll here from me 8/28–mark your diary-as.
Currently Drinking: Water / Coke Zero. i have to prepare my flight off the radar. Hey, that makes two dry days in a row!
Hangover Forecast: Clear & Sunny for tomorrow. But don’t worry, it’ll get a lot stormier when i get to where i’m gettin’ at. Oh the stories i’ll share and the photos i’ll show… Stay tuned!
Home Sweat Home
Paid for by Partakers of Al K Hall for the FASe of Our Generation
Currently Drinking: Water. Fortunately, i didn’t go back out yesterday because i was on call for work today and sure enough, got called in.
Hangover Forecast: Sunny. Just water today, a dry day…
Paid for by Partakers in Al K Hall for the FASe of Our Generation
My Fellow Alcoholics,
You may believe that an alcoholic’s promises are only as solid as the liquor that inspired them…
You may believe that a drinker’s word is as bad as the booze it’s based on…
You may believe the lies of society that tell you to ignore anyone drunker than you…
But you must believe this, “If you drink it, i will come.” (Ok, that doesn’t read as it was intended but the message is clear, isn’t it? If you are a drinker, i am here for you. i dream of being your FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson).)
Fellow alcoholics, if you choose to bestow upon me the honor of electing me your Functional Alcoholics Slurperson, i most solemnly promise to:
- Have your backs. i promise that i will call your spouses/partners for you should you want to stay out for ‘just one more’; i will write doctor’s notes for you so you can call in sick, i will provide any alibi necessary for the police…
- Let you be you. i promise not to criticize you or give you dirty looks if you’ve been drinking. i will never preach to you. i will never judge you or ask you to be better. Who you are is great enough for me.
- Support a Functional Alcoholic lifestyle. i promise NEVER to recommend AA or insist that you quit drinking.
- Give you drinking tips. i promise to make you a better drinker, both in terms of getting drunker and/or staying functionaler.
- Cure your hangovers. i promise i will ease the pain and strain of morning afters.
- Prevent hangovers. i promise my advice will let you drink and live relatively hangover free.
- i also promise to pick you up when you fall.
- i promise to hold your hair should you puke.
- i promise to agree with you no matter the crap you spew in bar talk.
- i promise to hold nothing you say while drinking against you.
- i promise to come up with original toasts to make you want to drink more.
- i promise to back up your lies when you bullflirt the hottie at the bar.
- i promise to pay for more than my fair share of rounds.
- i promise to be your designated driver no matter how much i’ve had to drink.
Brothers and Sisters of the Bar None, i promise that i will commit myself to your FASe and make you proud of who you are. What other politician can stake that claim?
Currently Drinking: Just polished off a bottle of Chardonnay and am considering heading out for a little bit extra.
Hangover Forecast: Light rain. i took the day off tomorrow so i can prepare my flight from the country on Wednesday. The problem here is, even though i’m ‘on call’ for work tomorrow, i still might have more to drink today because i can tell myself i have tomorrow off. BUT i need to be functional tomorrow because even if i don’t have to work, i still have to pack, clean and take care of some administrative crap before the Great Escape.
i knew it was gonna happen, just not so soon.
i’d really hoped the only thing slung in this election would be drinks and not mud, but that’s what i get for looking at life through beer colored glasses.
My opponents picked up my Twitter post of Wednesday, July 29 where i posted, “Currently Drinking: Water. i actually had a dry day today.” Now they’re using it to say i have no right to run for Functioning Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe).
As An Alcoholic
- While i may not be alcohol dependent (the guys you see sleeping on the sidewalk sucking on bottles like they were funny shaped green tits), i am a binge drinker. i don’t need to drink every day but once i start i’m unable to stop until i either pass out or am hosed down.
- My drinking has caused me a unique problem set in the office (when i reach the point i can no longer pass off ‘buzzed’ as ‘naturally jolly’), my romantic relationships (‘My boyfriend? He’s the one peeing in / hitting on / sleeping with the potted fern’ only floats for so long), my family relationships (‘Oh great dad! Hangover Day again! You know we never get tired of celebrating these with you…’) and friendships (i’ve used up my current batch and am on the look out for more–any takers?).
- i plan days when i can binge and look forward to them like Christmas, pay day, or Spring Break in Cancun.
- Just ask anyone who’s known me for more than three weeks (the approximate expiration date of liking me).
- i’ve held the same job for more than 17 years.
- i was married for 10 years and drinking wasn’t even the reason for the divorce!
- i’ve been living with Miss Demeanor for over a year (even if she hasn’t always been ‘living’ with me).
- i may be blacklisted from ever receiving any Father of the Year award, but despite my problems i’ve helped raise a beautiful daughter with a passion for all things creative (drawing, fiction, poetry, sewing…) and a gut wrenching joie de vivre, as well as a son with such natural sincerity he can’t keep track of all the girls who love him and such intellectual diligence he was accepted at one of Yeaman’s most elite high schools.
(Paid for by Partakers of Al K Hall For Functional Alcoholic Slurperson)
My Fellow Alcoholics, for all these reasons and more, i humbly weave before you and submit my can-idacy for your International Slurperson. Let me serve you (in both senses of the word) to the best of my capacities.
Currently Drinking: Smirnoff Ice. (Weaning myself off the –surprisingly mild– hangover.)
Hangover Forecast: Mostly Sunny. i’ll quit after this fifth (it’s only 5% people) and so tomorrow morning will be easier than this one was…