Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of SURROGATES

Surrogates banner

Surrogates poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the soundtrack, in the Juice-box: Breaking Benjamin – I Will Not Bow

[Press 'Play' to play]

Ramblings: Go Ahead, Accept Substitutes

Final Proof:2 Shots

2 shotsYou know how you go to a bar on Tuesday night? You don’t expect to get drunk, you don’t expect to meet friends, you don’t really expect to have a good time but sometimes it’s nights you expect the least that take off most unexpectedly. Then again, if that happened with any regularity, bars would always be packed on Tuesdays. They’re not, because usually the only real action in the bar on Tuesday comes from the cleaning woman vacuuming so she can clear out early and the bartender checking his watch so often it seems he’s doing it loudly, like the the watch face will tell him it’s ok to call last call hours early to save the time and money you and the two odd whispering men spilling inside the booth next to the bathrooms are wasting on this investment that won’t pan out to anything more than fool’s gold no matter if you wait all the way until Friday night. Surrogates is kinda like that.

The idea behind Surrogates is interesting, if not original (I, Robot did it earlier and better), but this movie is based on a graphic novel so it’s not like the producers can take credit for that. Swear to god, two movies in two nights and both were graphic novels. Graphic novels are the new black. On the bright side, it means we’ve put the horrendous French remakes of the 90′s behind us once and for all.

Surrogates is supposed to be science-faction (science fiction/action) but it’s disappointingly slow for an action film. Way too much dialogue and sentiment. The older man sitting left of Miss Demeanor and the younger black guy beside me both fell asleep; Miss D even giggled when the old dude started snoring. Hell, i dozed off for a couple minutes towards the end.

Ahh, the end. Typical Hollywood. You’d think a city that ends with ‘wood’ could provide a stronger, harder climax.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shotsWhile there are no actual sex scenes or nudity, there are so many hot actresses here that you need a program to tell them apart. Good thing i’m here, huh?

Rhada Mitchell as (Peters):

Radha Mitchell

Radha Mitchell

Radha Mitchell

Radha Mitchell

Smokin' and Looking Sufficiently Drunk for the Bar None

Here’s Rosamund Pike (Maggie):

Rosamund Pike

Rosamund Pike

Rosamund Pike

For more Rosamund pics, i served up some shots on the Booze Revooze for An Education

Here’s Helena Mattsson (JJ):

Helena Mattsson

Helena Mattsson

Helena Mattsson

Plus, you know me, i’m all about the Silver Butterflies: those beautiful and talented girls who grace the screen with their splendor during their oh so fleeting appearances on film. Here’s to hoping we see lots more of them.

This is Taylor Cole (‘Female Lawyer’):

Taylor Cole

This is Valerie Azlynn (Bridget):

Valerie Azlynn

Is She Not Just The Cutest Thing?

Best of luck in your metamorphoses, my dears.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Nothing. Nada. As in ‘Not A Drop’. As in ‘Easter Sunday In A Utah Desert’.

The closest we come is the surrogates getting ‘turned on’ by pressing what looks like an electronic bong to their electrodes.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

The movie was too boring to give any points for the action, and the only rock and roll music in the movie came during the end credits (that’d be the Breaking Benjamin song up top). i don’t know about y’all, but i’m getting damn sick and tired of movies that stick some token pop metal song in at the very end while you’re putting on your coat and heading off to the can. Let’s put rock back IN the movies, where it belongs.

Slurred Speeches

This oughta give you an idea of how riveting the dialogue was:

You have to kill the addict if you want to kill the addiction.

For real. Like you have to amputate the arm if you want to cure the hangnail.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Michael Ferris and John Brancato (screenplay)

Based on: The graphic novel by Robert Venditti and Brett Weldele

Directed by: Jonathan Mostow

Starring

Radha Mitchell – Peters

Rosamund Pike – Maggie

Helena Mattsson – JJ

Taylor Cole – Female Lawyer

Valerie Azlynn – Bridget

Bruce Willis – Tom Greer

Bottom Line

Don’t see it.

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3 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of SURROGATES

  1. “You’d think a city that ends with ‘wood’ could provide a stronger, harder climax.” BWAH HAH HAH HAH!

    Yeah. Really. No kidding.

    Love the “silver butterflies” concept, too. You clever monkey, you.

    Review = accurate & highly entertaining, as always and NO I am not just saying that because I am your girlfriend.

  2. Would: Rhada Mitchell, Rosamund Pike.
    Wouldn’t: ahh hell, I’d do em all.

    Unfortunately, I had the dire privilege of watching Surrogates right after watching Gamer, and poor Bruce Willis must have wished he’d signed on to the latter, rather than the former. I appreciated what Surrogates tried to do, but it didn’t do them well enough to do them well enough.
    Ultimately, I could have probably spent a little time in front of the computer looking at porn than going through this misfire again. I’ll review it myself shortly and link to your review for the comedy, eh?

    **aside: is it just me, or is a woman showing a bit of side-boob a hell of a lot more sexy than flat out bare chested? That shot of Rhada at the top, with the wine glass looking wistfully off camera, is hot as hell. As is that first shot of Ms Pike! Phew. I think you and I’ll have to send our wives out shopping one day and get together for a gentlemen’s afternoon to discuss this further. What do you think?

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