A ‘gathering’ is a party without alcohol. Miss Demeanor took me to a gathering the other day…
A group of people got together to ‘hand’ out free samples of Reiki (pronounced ray-key, as in ‘Ray-key up before you go-go”.) This is the practice of healing people spiritually, mentally/psychologically, and physically through touch.
It started in India a long time ago.
Later, it was rediscovered in Japan.
That’s enough history for now.
Alcohol vs Reiki
Miss D and i get to the place and this sober drummer (which, apparently, is not oxymoronic) showed us into a small room where we were shown a video.
If it had been a real party, there would’ve been a drink in my hand before i sat down and instead of YouTube, we would’ve had Disturbed.
Then, the guy led me to a dimly lit room where a crowd of people stood around a massage table. Have you ever seen Rosemary’s Baby? You know the scene where Satan rapes Mia Farrow? It was kinda like that without the nudity.
I had to lie down on the table and everyone put their hands all over my body except for the fun parts. New Age Yanni-type music played and whenever a bell chimed, they moved their hands to a different place but still avoiding the good bits. Basically, it was a Thai massage with no massage and no happy ending.
Had it been a real party, there would’ve been less clothing, nicer touching and some kissing if you’re lucky. And either Sick Puppies or Tom Waits after Disturbed—New Age is the new Old Age.
i’m Just Sayin’
i had a bad case of blue balls when i got there and i must admit they were less blue (redder?) when i left even if, as i said, no one came even remotely close to polishing my family jewels off. Still, i can’t see Reiki ever replacing the good ole 6-pack and a handjob.
What’s in the store for you this week: Tawny Kitaen is officially charged and a Charger is officially suspected. A Bulgarian politician receives ‘highest’ honor ever, Tennessee applies for Statehood, and New Yorkers get drunk on a wild turkey. Not to mention….are you ready? Here it comes….the Patron Deity of The Bar None: David Hasselhoff! Click below on the title or link below to see it all.
Here’s a recent acquisition on the juiced-box, drafted especially for Ken. In my review of The Limits Of Control, i referenced an LCD Soundsystem song called “Daft Punk Is Playing At My House”. Ken said the title tickled his funny bone, and whatever a regular wants, a regular gets.
On the juiced-box and the rock that breaks open the movie: Iggy Pop - Louie, Louie
[Kick 'Play' to kick out the jams]
Ramblings: Capitalism: A ‘Like You A Lot’ Story
Final Proof:3 Shots
Have you ever drunk with a true believer. Doesn’t have to be a religious guy, even if they’re fun to make fun of and make you feel better about your intellect in debates. Nah, i’m talking about anyone who truly believesanything down to his freaking core. It’s a touchy call because sometimes you get the obnoxious kind who starts yelling from the get-go and is so far up in your face that his beer spittle showers your stash and lashes. Go ahead and try to inject a counter argument and you’ll get more than spit because he’ll throw his entire drink all over you and then you have to charge him with alcohol abuse. The other kind of believer still showers you with his spit but at least he’ll laugh while he does it. He won’t listen to your arguments any more than the first kind but at least he’ll smile and nod as he ignores you. And it’s not because his arguments are one-sided and his world view is blind-sided that he doesn’t have a couple good points to make. Capitalism: A Love Story (and Michael Moore) are kinda like this second guy.
Look, i gotta apologize right off the bat here because i’m not gonna get on a bar stool and get all polar-assed about Michael Moore. i know i’m supposed to say he’s either the savior of the human race or the devil incarnate and, truth be told, this review would be a helluva lot funnier if i felt Moore strongly. The problem is, i think he’s a talented film maker who has a lot on his mind and sometimes i get what he says and sometimes i just couldn’t be bothered to care. So he’s pretty much like anyone else at the Bar None, myself included. You know you’re getting old when you just walk off the battlefield and start telling all the warriors they should take a pill.
The movie starts off kicking with Iggy Pop singing his cover of “Louie, Louie” to security camera videos of various people robbing various banks. After that, though, steps get a little uneven. Moore pulls out the sad puppies with their drooping eyes and a couple of little chicks that have been stepped on and i may have guy cried a little but that was only with one eye—the other one saw exactly how i was being manipulated.
Tell you what, though, the state of the States scared the schlitz out of me a lot more than Saw VI did. The flick made me glad i live in Yeman, yo.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ Shot
People, it’s a documentary. There are no beautiful chicklettes here ’cause they’re all real. Sure, Audra, the twenty-something daughter who points the video camera at herself as the police are evicting her family didn’t seem too bad, but we only get a fleeting glimpse. Then there’s the cute 24-year-old first-officer who died in a plane crash while bitching with the pilot about their salaries. [Sorry, i'm a little too sober to post pictures of a dead girl in the Sex Section tonight. Better luck next round.] Other than that, however, there was no official talent.
Which is why this freaked me out: go to the imdb page of Capitalism… and look at the first name that’s there. Thora Birch!?!? Who the hell knew she was in the movie? i was even sober for this one and i couldn’t remember her being in this. So i asked Miss Demeanor, who couldn’t remember seeing her either. Tell you what, i’m prepared to give anyone out there free drinks for life in the Bar None if you can tell me what exactly it is that Thora does in Capitalism…
On the bright side, i get to use this as an excuse to post Thora Birch pictures, so everyone wins.
Thora At The Bar None In Her Pajamas
Drink: 0 Shots
Rock & Roll: 1 Shot
There’s the Iggy Pop song at the top, plus there’s also a little “O Fortuna”. Even if every buddy uses this, it’s still a killer song. i chose the Therion version for this post.
Other than that Capitalism is rock free.
There is this cool song from the trailer, M.I.A. – Paper Planes, but it isn’t rock.
From the juiced-box and the OST: The Black Angels – You On The Run
[This review is a lot better if you press 'Play' and read while you listen.]
Ramblings: Outer Limits
Final Proof: 2 Shots
You know how you drink with Jim Jarmusch? You’ve seen Dead Man and Down By Law and you can’t wait to hang with the guy who hangs with Tom Waits, Bill Murray and Johnny Depp. So he gets there and you’re all excited and you sit down at the table ready to have this super intense conversation with the writer of Broken Flowers, Coffee and Cigarettes, and Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai. Then nothing happens. He just kinda sits there and looks at you. And you wanna say something but it’s Jim Jarmusch and he’s so much cooler than you could ever be so anything you say will sound completely stupid so you sip your drink and wait. And wait. And he doesn’t say anything. At all. He looks at you and kinda smiles sheepishly. He says “Wow, it’s quiet in here.” Then nothing else for twenty minutes. Then he tells you it was nice meeting you and stands up and leaves and you have to pay the tab. That’s what The Limits of Control was like.
To be honest, it might be my fault. i was drunk when i saw this movie. i’d had like 5 glasses of wine at lunch, then a pint of lager after work waiting for an Aussie coworker, then another pint outside the movie theater waiting for Miss Demeanor. Then another pint inside the movie theater. Then three bottles of beer during the movie. Alls i can say, though, is i saw this with Miss Demeanor and two other chicks and they agreed with me about what i’m going to write here.
Here’s a shot of the bar inside the movie theater:
So You Can Make A Scene
Jim himself came to present the movie:
The guy who announced Jim said that Jim was reluctant to show up because he was shy. This was the first bad sign. The second was Jim saying that we should look at his movie as though it were a dream. The third bad sign was he didn’t even hang around. He took off, and if he couldn’t stay to watch his own movie…
The Limits of Control is a very minimalist movie. Like Dead Man on downers. There are llllooooonnnngggggg stretches without any dialog and so you have the feeling you’re watching moving paintings. The paintings are very beautiful, but no one wants to look at paintings for 2 hours.
The problem with this movie is you have to be drunk to appreciate it, but then you fall asleep because there’s no action and you’re drunk. The other problem is i was holding in my piss for the whole movie. Finally my bladder exploded so i had to run off to the can to stem the internal peeing and when i came back, i’d missed the only action scene in 116 minutes. That pissed me off.
The Limits of Control reminds me of past lives i’ve never lived. Or a slide show of Jarmusch’s trip into his dreams. It was like having someone else’s déja vu.
Blonde (played by Tilda Swinton) summarizes Jim Jarmush’s approach:
I like movies that are like dreams. The ones where you’re not sure if you saw them or dreamed them. Some movies are best when people don’t say anything at all. Where people just sit and don’t talk.
Then she just sits and doesn’t talk for a real long time…
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3½ Shots
The best part of the movie, if you ask me. We get some nice shots of Paz de la Huerta nude, which you would expect of someone whose character is called “Nude”. Well, not totally nude because she wears thick nerd glasses.
i think what i liked best about her was how unsymmetrical her body was. Her breasts are slightly different sized and her nipples point in different directions. i find that the things i appreciate most in any woman, both physically and mentally, are the things that make her unique from all other women. There’s a lot of that going on here…
Jim & Paz Outside The Bar None
Tilda Swinton was also in the movie as Blonde. While she may not be a classic pinup, she has a very distinctive edge:
Giving Oscar 'Head'
Drink: 0 Shots
i don’t remember any alcohol in the movie, but then i fell asleep for much of it due to all the alcohol i’d had before and during the movie. Maybe you should just ask Miss D…
Rock & Roll:3 Shots
While it’s not truly rock and roll, the soundtrack is very cool. It reminded me a lot of Dead Man, with the saturated guitar rasping out Neil Young style solos. Here’s a complete track listing:
Bad Rabbit – Intro
Boris with Michio Kurihara – Fuzzy Reactor
La Macarena – Saeta
Bad Rabbit – Sea Green Sea
Boris – Feedbacker (Tloc Edit)
Manuel el Sevillano – Por Compasión: Malaguenas
Boris – Farewell
Sunn O))) & Boris – N.L.T.
Carmen Linares – El Que Se Tenga Por Grande
Bad Rabbit – Dawn
The Black Angels – You On The Run
Earth and Bill Frisell – Omens And Portents 1: The Driver (Tloc Edit)
Talegón de Córdoba & Jorge Rodriguez Padilla – El Que Se Tenga Por Grande
Sunn O))) & Boris – Blood Swamp (Tloc Edit)
Ensemble Villa Musica – Schubert 2. Adagio [String Quintet In C, D.956] (Tloc Edit)
LCD Soundsystem – Daft Punk Is Playing At My House
Boris – ” ” (Tloc Edit)
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Jim Jarmusch
Directed by: Jim Jarmusch
Paz de la Huerta – Nude
Tilda Swinton – Blonde
Isaach De Bankolé – Lone Man
Don’t see it. But find naked photos of Paz de le Huerta.
More tips and changes from your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (FASe). You know how you’ve put back a couple and are ready for the next one but everybody starts giving you dirty looks as soon as you make a step towards the fridge? What follows are ten comments you can make to diffuse the moment and get off scotch free…
From the juiced-box: Chris Norman – Just Another Drink
1. “My ice cubes are lonely.”
2. “There are sober children in Africa.”
3. “That beer isn’t gonna drink itself.”
4. “This’ll give me something to talk about at AA.”
Paris Hilton Drunk & Slipping
5. “Because doggie bottles don’t exist.”
i’ll Take One To Go
6. “I’m the kinda guy who’ll take one for the team.”
7. “i used to be an alcoholic but my tolerance went up.”
Here’s the rock, from a club scene in the movie and the juiced-box, Cannibal Corpse – Sentenced To Burn:
[Press 'Play' and don't sit too close to the speakers...]
Ramblings: All Tied Up
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how it is when you drink with a Brit? It’s a blast at the beginning because they have different words for everything and their accent is so cool so you keep feeding them words to say so you can hear it from their mouths. “Say my name….Cool! Now say, uhm, ‘hangover’…Cool! ’Hahngovah!’ You said it like ‘hahngovah’, is that right? Is that how you say it? Now say ‘bloody sticky wicket blimey cheeky wanker’…Yeah! Wait, how do you guys say ‘elevator’? Lift! Hahahaha! How do you say, uhm, ‘truck’? Lorry! Hahahaha! How do you say restaurant? Oh, it’s the same?” Their sense of humor is different and sarky and it cracks you up and you have a blast all the way up until you realize the Brit is basically like everybody else in the bar and the novelty wears off. That’s kinda how it is with In The Loop.
i did some research on this bad boy—yeah i’m so freaking professional you could slap a tie on me and patch me into a ‘webinar’—and found out that In The Loop is a spinoff of a British TV series called The Thick Of It which is the genetic hybrid offspring of West Wing and The Office (the UK one). The only reason i mention it is that the movie feels like a long TV sitcom episode. Sure, it’s funny as hell and there are no commercials, but still…
The idea wears thin as the movie unravels. The jokes are funny but, like the Limey in the loo, you get used to them after a while and you still laugh but with a little less gusto each time. The actors are good (a special drink to Anna Chlumsky and Peter Capaldi as Malcolm Tucker for shining in their roles) but there’s not enough idea for them to carry the whole movie. But, again like the Pommy in the pub, the wit (gin & sardonic, whiskey and wry) is strong enough to keep the buzz goin’ long enough.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
The only sex scene is like my circumcision: it gets cut early and happens in the dark. The sexiest thing in the whole movie are a couple girls banging head in a mosh pit and some shots of Liza (Anna Chlumsky) with a beer. And there i go blowing my wad early instead of saving it for the next section; it’s my circumcision all over again, swear to god.
Here’s Anna younger, when she was in My Girl with Caulking McCullen or whatever his name was who missed the airplane. (Yeah, i’m really getting the hang of this movie reviewer gig.)
Here she is older:
Olivia Poulet (who plays Suzy) was very cute but there isn’t a lot online to prove it. Olivia, if you’re out there, drop me a line here at the Bar None?
Another cutie, in a gaunt, English kind of way, is Gina McKee (Judy Molloy) but there’s nothing online that does her any kind of justice. Gina? Are you out there? Do you have any decent promo shots?
Drink: O Shots
Champagne at a couple parties and Anna Chlumsky drinking Becks in a DC nightclub. Ok, i’ll give Anna half a shot for the bar scene.
Rock & Roll: ½ Shot
The only rock is the death metal i posted above. For those death metal purists of you out there, and i’m sure you’re out there i can feel you sweating, the song above is “Sentenced To Burn” by the original ‘artists’, Cannibal Corpse. The band performing the song in the movie is Cannabis Corpse, a fan band formed in 2006 to celebrate their love of weed and Cannibal Corpse.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, Ian Martin, Tony Roche (Jeez, a freaking writer’s gay orgy!)
On tap this week: Prince Harry kisses another guy for a beer, Johnny Depp drunk, Shayne Lamas DWI, Alexandra Kerry DUI, Elizabeth Hurley’s vodka diet, multiple drunken suicide attempts, a really bad Santa, a primary school principle pulled over for drunk driving in a dress, Elizabeth Hurley hot, Paris Hilton hot, Alexandra Kerry in a see-thru dress, Shayne Lamas in a bikini, spankings, floggings and oh so much more…
From the juiced-box and the OST: Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox
Ramblings: New Moon Bites Then Sucks
Final Proof: 1½ Shots
You know how you drink with vampires? A new one comes into the Bar None every minute and there are so many of them because people will always want to be accepted and they figure if they join a vampire clique they’ll be automatically cool. What they don’t realize is every group has losers and leaders, the ins and the outs, the cool and the cold. An ass in a vampire costume is not hip, just an anemic in a black suit. Some vampires suck and others suck. The Twilight Saga: New Moon sucks, even if it is a vampire movie.
Have i told you i’m a vampire? Yeah, i don’t talk about it much but i’m among friends here. i’m not the kind of vampire that puts on makeup, drinks Bloody Marys and wears my dead heart on my sleeve as i sulk around twisting my soul all day. i’m the kind of vampire that’ll get you drunk and suck your innocence right out of you. Point being, i’m more generous with vampire movies than any other genre. The problem is, New Moon isn’t a vampire movie, it’s a teen romance. Twilight School Musical without the music.
Even Miss Demeanor hated it, and she never hates movies.
i’m not gonna drive a stake in New Moon. Making fun of the tragic script, crappy special effects and acting that basically boils down to one facial expression shot at different angles for over 2 hours is just too easy for my mad skills. Instead, i’d like to address all the younger vampires who have just walked into the bar.
Kids, vampires are alcoholics. They both need to drink to live, live mostly at night, are social outcasts labelled as monsters, feel like crap in the morning, have difficulties in relationships with those who are not of our kind… If you really want to be a vampire, the best way to start is to step up to the bar and let me pour you a glass of blood red wine.
Before we go deeper into the Den of Iniquity, i’m gonna have to card Dakota Fanning here. At 15, she’s jailbait so there won’t be any slips or see-throughs. She is a cutie, though, and does a better job with her brief appearance than any of the others she shares the screen with.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Finished the first song yet? Here’s another from the juiced-box and the OST: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Done All Wrong
Sex: 2 Shots
No nudity in the movie. Nothing even approaching nudity. Nothing even thinking about having a layover in the same country as nudity. Honestly, the hottest thing about this movie is knowing that Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning kiss each other in the upcoming film, The Runaways (due out next year).
The New Moon talent is in the beauty, not on the screen. So go ahead and enjoy these pictures for free instead of shelling out 10 bones to see 2+ hours of crap.
There were some brief shots of Kristen Stewart’s butt in jeans and one scene where they have her running in slo-mo. She has this great mouth with Cupid bow lips, and i also like her voice, which is pretty raspy for a 19-year-old. Imagine how cool she’ll sound when she starts smoking and drinking whiskey older than she is…
Kristen Stewart Comments On My Review
Anna Kendrick plays Jessica, Bella’s high school friend. Kristen Stewart is 19 tears old, playing an 18-year-old. Anna, however, is 24 but looks cute dressing up like a teenager.
The other high school friend is 19-year-old Christian Serratos:
Ashley Greene (22) plays a Cullen kid vampire, Alice.
Rachelle Lefevre (30) is the badass vampire Victoria:
The fact that i don’t remember her or her character (Rosalie Hale) neither prevents Nikki Reed (21) from being in the movie or me from posting pics:
Ready For The Bar None
Finally, a silken butterfly. Model Noot Seear makes a brief appearance as Heidi, a chick who leads tourists to slaughter. Here’s to hoping we see lots more of her:
Drink: 0 shots
The word ‘beer’ is pronounced once in the movie, when a motorcycle hood tries to pick up Bella.
Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots
The soundtrack is pretty decent, though the two songs i’ve posted here are the best. The entire soundtrack fills out something like this…
Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox
Band Of Skulls – Friends
Thom Yorke – Hearing Damage
Lykke Li – Possibility
The Killers – A White Demon Love Song
Anya Marina – Satellite Heart
Muse – I Belong To You [New Moon Remix]
Bon Iver & St. Vincent – Rosyln
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Done All Wrong
Hurricane Bells – Monsters
Sea Wolf – The Violet Hour
Ok Go – Shooting The Moon
Grizzly Bear (with Victoria Legrand) – Slow Life
Editors – No Sound But The Wind
Alexandre Desplat – New Moon (The Meadow)
The trippy thing is, i’m not a huge Robert Pattinson fan because the only gift he has for acting is his good looks. Imagine my surprise (and chagrin), then, when i found out he’s an extremely talented singer. On top of that, i love the style of song he sings. It makes me feel like a teenage girl to say i’m a Rob Pattinson (he bills himself as ‘Rob’ when it’s for singing) fan, but there you have it. We can’t choose the music we like… Here, i think we have a couple tunes of his on the juiced-box…let me know what you think.