[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Radiohead – No Surprises
[Press Play for No Surprises]
Ramblings: New York, i Like You As A Friend
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you drink in a New York bar? The patrons are a bag of mixed nuts ’cause some of them are light and others are dark, some poetic and others silly, some sad and some pretty boring. Most of them are sensitive and drink Manhattans like it’s a law and tell you their stories that are pretty cool, though occasionally a little slow or trite but sometimes the patron doin’ the tellin’ is cute and she means well and at least she’s paying for her own drinks and sometimes she even comes out with a tale that is truly beautiful and she doesn’t even slur so you end up passing a pleasant evening in this New York Bar but can’t help wondering if there isn’t something else more exciting happening out there somewhere. New York, I Love You is kinda like that.
James Caan, Olivia Thirlby, Anton Yelchin
For those of you out of the art film loop, New York… is the little sister of Paris, Je t’aime and basically follows the same premise which is to get a barful of directors to make short films about the respected cities using actors who are looking for art cred.
Julie Christie & Shia LaBeouf In The Bar None
Because i did both Paris, Je t’aime and NYILY i feel obligated to compare them. Paris threw me because i didn’t know what to expect when i saw it, but i certainly didn’t expect to see 18 3-minute movies and believe me, 3-minutes isn’t long enough to do much more than set up a story so it was like watching the beginning of 18 movies. Some of the shorts were fantastic and many of them were WTF?
Robin Wright & Chris Cooper In The Bar None
New York learned from Paris‘ mistakes by using fewer but longer vignettes and by having characters interact with each other to provide a vague sense on continuity. While none of New York‘s stories were as bad as Paris‘ bad ones, none of them shone like the diamonds in Paris, either. Which means New York is more balanced yet blander than Paris which is pro’lly true in real life, too.
Ethan Hawke & Maggie Q In Front Of The Bar None
So basically what we got here is a quilt of movies like sections of a city. Some parts of town are pretty cool, others too trendy and the rest places so boring you wouldn’t wanna go there on a bar bet without a box of wine and a rusty cutter.
Rachel Bilson, Andy Garcia & Hayden Christensen In The Bar None
Rachel Bilson, Andy Garcia & Hayden Christensen In The Bar None
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex:3 Shots
You wanna know how much talent was in this movie? Ask Miss Demeanor, she’ll tell you. It’s taken me days, literally, of hogging the ‘puter to wade through barrels of photos to get this crap together.
But enough about me, let’s talk about sex, baby. Definitely the most original sex scene (that they didn’t really show) is between Olivia Thirlby (the best friend in Juno and the hottie in The Wackness) and Anton Yelchin (the dude who plays the new Chekov in the new Star Trek). She’s in a wheelchair and after prom they go to a park and she throws a strap over a tree branch so she can hoist herself up before easing herself down onto Anton’s “Yelchin”. Enough about that, here’s the money shot of Olivia Thirlby (23), as Actress.
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There’s more shots down below in my drawers…
As for the actual nudity in the movie, well, there’s Drea de Matteo (as Lydia) with maybe a body double or maybe it’s really her in a sex scene with Bradley Cooper. Whatever, here’s the real deal…
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And here she is in The Bar None.
Apart from that, the sex and the nudity are done, babes. ‘Course there are a few babes… Like Rachel Bilson (28) who was super cute in the role of “Molly”. Sure, there wasn’t much acting required, she just had to be cute basically, but she did do that extremely well. Here’s the proof.
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There’s gonna be more shots of her in my drawers. You gotta scroll down for the GQ wallpaper and a shot of her with her crazy ass tongue.
But before that, how could i not talk about Natalie Portman? Not only was she in Paris, Je t’aime and New York, I Love You (as Rifka), but she also directed a segment here (not the one she stars in, one that was way more boring and incomprehensible). Still, she’s Natalie Portman. Her last name pro’lly comes from some ancestor who owned a bar and so people kept saying “Port, man!” and she looks like this, so all is forgiven.
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Here she is in The Bar None.
Natalie Portman In The Bar None
Of course i got a lot more shots of her down in my drawers. Just scroll down.
What else do we got? What else do we got!? We got us Qi Shu, this hot 34-year-old Thai chick who used to do Asian soft porn before gracing us with her presence here as the coveted “Chinese Herbalist”. Here’s why i’m covetin’:
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i know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Al! How could you forget Maggie Q!?” Ha! i tell you. Ha! You think i didn’t notice her as “Call Girl”? Sure, at 30 she’s looking a little older than she did in Mission Impossible III or Balls Of Fury, but like a fine wine she gets better with age. Here’s what i mean.
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What could more exciting than that? Maggie Q in the Bar None, of course.
To finish up the established actresses, i’m gonna break an age record here. Julie Christie (who played Isabelle), at 69, is looking pretty damn good. Ladies and Gentlemen, i give you Julie Christie, then and now…
Silken Butterflies
These are those fleeting beauties whose time on the screen was all too brief.
Emilie Ohana, who played Zoe, the video artist with a lot of pizazz (and who was also in Paris, Je t’aime).
Not to mention Jordann Beal (21), who does a superb job as “Prom guest”. It’ll be good practice for when she goes to her first real one.
For those of you who are more into Skyscrapers than Potholes, i offer up:
Anton Yelchin (21), as Boy in the Park.
Bradley Cooper (35), as Gus.
Ethan Hawke (39), as Writer.
Orlando Bloom (33), as David.
And Shia LaBeouf (33), as Jacob.
Drink: 2 Shots
A lot of references, if not much significance:
- Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson drink gin & tonics with no ice in a bar
- Prom dates drink champagne from the bottle in a park
- Drea de Matteo promises herself to stop at 2 drinks during her date
- Bradley Cooper drinks a Jameson in the bar
- Zoe drinks a glass of red wine in a bar while working on her laptop
- Shia and Julie share a glass of champagne in her hotel room
- The painter drinks straight from the bottle while he works and then he passes out and dies (pro’lly) from drinking
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
The Radiohead up top is all you’ll get.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Hu Hong & Meng Yao, Israel Horovitz, Suketu Mehta, Olivier Lecot, Jeff Nathanson, Xan Cassavetes, Stephen Winter, Anthony Minghella, Natalie Portman, Fatih Akin, Joshua Marston, Hall Powell, James Strouse
Directed by: Fatih Akin, Yvan Attal, Allen Hughes, Shunji Iwai, Wen Jiang, Joshua Marston, Mira Nair, Brett Ratner, Randall Balsmeyer, Shekhar Kapur, Natalie Portman
Starring
Bottom Line
See it on a Sunday on DVD but drink vodka & Redbull and invite someone you love (or like to see naked) for the boring parts.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
No more writing, just eye shots. You know where the exit is…
Rachel Bilson (28)
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Rachel Bilson And Her Crazy Tongue
Drea de Matteo (38)
Olivia Thirlby (23)
Olivia Thirlby In The Bar None
Olivia Thirlby Still In The Bar None
Olivia Thirlby Can't Leave The Bar None
Natalie Portman (28)
Natalie Portman See Through
Natalie Portman See Through
Natalie Portman See Through
Natalie Portman Side Boob
Natalie Portman Nip Slip
New York Loves Nathalie Portman
Natalie Portman Loves Scarlett Johansson
Qi Shu (34)
Maggie Q (30)
You know how you drink on meth? Sure, it sounds like a good idea at first ’cause you’re gonna get the best of both, so you shoot or snort or whatever it is you do with meth and you pop open that beer tab or uncork the bottle of wine or unscrew the bottle of whiskey or saber that bottle of champagne (hey, i know what to do with booze but not meth, so sue me) and then, pretty much right from the get go you feel dizzy and shaky and you kinda wanna throw up and you pray for it all to stop and you want the clock to move backwards so you can either do the meth thing or the booze thing but it’s too late so there’s nothing left to do but ride it out and tattoo “Never Again” on your forearm so there’s no chance in hell you’ll try that crap another time. Yeah, it’s kinda like that with Green Zone.
Babes, we’re talkin’ about an Iraqi war movie: guys and guys and more guys than a frat house at a Jimmy Buffet kegger.
i’m not gonna lie, i’m all about the Madeline Zima. This 24-year-old started off in TV at 8 (in a series called The Nanny) and more recently erected headlines with a topless sex scene in the first episode of Californication, before moving onto to Heroes. You wanna see some of her in Heroes? i got her in Heroes for you right here:
i knew it was a good sign when the movie started off in a hole in the wall bar. Jane (Renée Zellweger) is sitting at a table drinking Bud from the bottle when she gets hit on by a guy who loses interest when he discovers Jane’s always sitting down because she’s in a wheelchair.
Despite not being very rock and roll, i’m giving this hummer three shots for two reasons. The first is that i was floored by Renée Zellweger’s voice. i didn’t know it was her until the end credits (’cause the only way i’m ever gonna see Chicago is passed out at midnight on the El), but man, listening to her sing a Dylan song and “This Land Is Your Land” almost made me almost cry. She was that good. (Speaking of “This Land…”, another reason i didn’t realize it was the Z singin’ is the dubbin job they did in that scene was worse than stale beer that’s turned to flat vinegar, and i don’t nearly have enough time or space here to go into how i know that—they shoulda just recorded her live.)
