Thanks for Patronizing Me
[AllKHallism: Don’t mean to get all responsible on you, i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child’s film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. Alice In Wonderland: PG. The Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker: NC-18. If you follow the link down the rabbit hole, you have only yourself to blame, sicko.]
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Avril Lavigne – Alice (Underground)
[Press ‘Play’ for Avril in Underland.]
Final Proof: 3½ Shots You know how you get drunk with a Glimbirden? You swig Absinswallers all night until your vision hazes and the green Flickenfares dart around you like drunken fireflies. And the Glimbirden sits there, swalgerin down those drinks and spinning these twisted tales on his realspinder and the stories come to life before your eyes, danstering on the table before you, darkening the bar with clouded visioneers that puff out clouds of smoke and take the fanturbing forms of Lokclusters, Panklefents and Publessence. Then, once you’re about to peekle, a sudden solber descends on you like a cold rain in the wind and you realize you’ve only been sitting in a bar all along. That’s exactly the way it is with Alice In Wonderland.
i’m willing to bet a beer that binge drinkers dig Tim Burton. Sure, the smokers of “wacky weed” (y’all digging how hep i am with the phat and fly newest slang?) and the takers of LSD are pro’lly standing (if a bit aslant) arm in arm with us. ‘Cause everyone knows the real reason all of us imbibe in licit and ill-icit distractions is to fly high enough to orbit Burton’s universe. And we get that here, we do, especially for the first 2/3s, if you don’t count the beginning.
Don’t get me wrong. Alice doesn’t disappoint. She’s stylish and slick, which makes her easy enough to get into. She looks good and she’s accessible, even for the youngest amongst us. On top of that, she works hard to please, which makes her extremely satisfying. The only problem (and it’s only a slight one, after all she’s done to us) is that she sobers up towards the end and you get the feeling she’s only going through the motions to finish us off. She wants to make us happy, sure, but she’s already got our money so she stops trying hard and becomes any other working girl.
What makes Alice cool is the non-stop action. There’s always something going on most of the time and it’s done to the tune of Tim Burton’s rich, luxurious, delusion-esque visions. Mix into the mix great performances by everyone (except Crispin Glover, that’s just the way it is) and, despite the film’s sobering up toward the end, you got a solid movie worth the see.
Speaking of, if you decide to follow my advice and fall down the hole, you should see it in 3D if it’s at all possible ’cause Burton uses a lot of that “coming at the camera” crap, which looks pretty ridiculous in 2D and also means you shouldn’t wait to download it, either.
Crap, i almost forgot, i gotta card Eleanor Tomlinson here. She plays Fiona Chattaway, half of the duo that inspire Alice’s visions of Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Unfortunately for us, she’s only 17 and thus not allowed any lower in The Bar None. Normal shots and nothing age inappropriate going on here, kiddos.
Here she is with her other half in the movie: Eleanor Gecks as Faith Chattaway.
Sex: 2 Shots It’s a Disney film, babes in the woods. The closest thing you’ll get to sex is imaging Alice stepping naked from the sea of her clothes when she shrinks or her dress flying from her body when she grows. Oh yeah, there’s also an almost upskirt of her when she’s sitting next to the Red Queen. That’s about it.
Tim Burton found treasure down under when he uncovered Mia Wasikowska (20), a charming Aussie ingénue, to play Alice. She was perfect for the role, with just the right amount of gravity—which is important because she’s from Canberra on the bottom of the world. Man, do they grow them hot down there. Here’s what i’m talking about.
Don’t worry, there’ll be more shots of her down under this post, in my drawers.
i’ve been in love with Helena Bonham Carter ever since A Room With A View. She has these gorgeous dark eyes i want to drown my sorrows in and that hair—god that hair in A Room With A View— i swear to god i would die a happy man if i were to hang myself with a noose made from braided tresses of that hair. Even stronger, i actually watched the whole thing, almost, and i hate any movie by that Jane Eyre chick. While all the actors (even Crispin Glover was less bad than usual) turned in good performances, Helena’s portrayal of the Red Queen was my favorite. Every time she left the screen it was like finishing a fifth of Martini Rosso and wanting another one right away. Then, when you realize she’s still super sexy at 43, you understand we’re dealing with major talent here.
i’ve got some individual shots of her on reserve in my drawers, at the bottom of this post.
i love Anne Hathaway’s mouth. Anne Hathaway (27) has a big mouth. If she had a party in her mouth, i’d come. i want to be her lipstick salesman so i can be as rich as she is. i read somewhere that she was offered the role of Alice in the movie but turned it down because she was tired of being the nice girl, especially after getting her start in something called The Princess Diaries series. Yeah, well, these photos show she’s not too nice a girl for The Bar None.
Showing up first, we get Jemma Powell (apparently ageless) who shines as Alice’s sister, Margaret Kingsleigh.
And, as mentioned above, there’s also Eleanor Gecks as Faith Chattaway, the “real life” Tweedledee to Eleanor Tomlinson’s Tweedledum. Here then, is the Gecks part of the Eleanors, as sweet and refreshing as Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
For those of you who are more into Vorpel Swords than Rabbit Holes, i offer up Johnny Depp.
i like Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp, is cool. i’m not gay or anything (if i were gay i’d screw Michelle Rodriguez) but i think Johnny Depp is a good looking guy. On top of that he’s a truly talented actor and is together with a hot French chick and, before that, slept with Kate Moss a lot but only when she was hot. Don’t take it from me—god knows i wouldn’t—but Helena Bonham Carter:
He’s very cool. Whatever Johnny does, there’s something cool about it. He’s very hip. It’s emotional and vulnerable, too, which makes it touching.
Here, then, is some emotional touching.
After the Depp stick, we’re stuck with Crispin Glover, as in “i’m overlooking a Crispin Glover / that I’ve overlooked before.”
Don’t get me wrong. i like Crispin Glover. i wanna drink with Crispin Glover. i bet he’d be a lot of fun drunk. He’d be all, like, “Have you ever drowned anyone with a beer bong, dude? It’s killlllleeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr…” Crispin? If you’re out there, i’d love to hang with you, bro. But not while watching any of your movies. You can’t act. At All. “Acting” is not pretending to be a 5-year-old wearing your mom’s dirty sheets playing “spin the donkey” while laughing like a pirate. That’s just retarded, babe.
Drink: 0 Shots
Two words: Drink Me. That’s all we get here. Although i like the poetry of drinking making someone feel small. Yeah, i find that pretty appropriate.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Apart from the Avril Lavigne song up top, there’s a totally Trip-Up dance tune where the Mad Hatter dances the Futterwacken. The song jibes with the rest of the movie about as well as ice cubes in beer.
Lewis Carroll (books Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass)
Linda Woolverton (screenplay)
See it, especially in 3D.
In my drawers i’ve stuffed the single shots of the actresses mentioned above.