Thanks for Patronizing Me
Man, the crap i got that’s sunk all the way to the bottom of the dregs… Like i got homemade cheerleader pee-na coladas, a loser who puts up his pukes, a drunk just horsing around, an underage blonde partying in a cop car, the end of free beer at work, beer that’s stronger than vodka, Paris Hilton getting carded, a Playmate who failed the bunny test, Pamela Anderson so drunk her boobs leak, a Kiefer Sutherland striptease and oh so much freaking more…
From the juiced-box and dedicated to Brother Ken who threw a lot of dregs my way this week as well as hookin’ me up with something Kink-y: The Kinks – Have Another Drink
[Press ‘Play’ for one on the brothers Davies.]
[AlKHallism: To see the definition of “stomach sneeze” and all the other words i made up for y’all, check out AlKHall-hics: A Glossary.]
Here’s a story that’ll leave a bad taste in your mouth. Matthew Clemmens (21) and a bud went to a Phillies game and got super drunk. “Super drunk” in Philadelphia being synonymous with “super obnoxious”, the pair decided to curse and spit like cheap whores on $5 Blow Job Night. Unfortunately, right in front of them was an off-duty police Captain with his 11-year-old daughter who took unkindly to this so he notified security, who did the security guy thing by escorting Clemmens’ bud from the park. In a sickening display of guts, Clemmens stuck two fingers down his throat, leaned over and proceeded to puke all over the Cap’n and his little girl. When the police came to arrest Matt-spew, he did a replay and barfed on another cop. Turns your stomach, don’t it?
Who knew that Mule Day in Tennessee could go so wrong? i freaking did, that’s who. Mule Day? In Tennessee? Come on! A prefect opportunity for someone to make an ass of himself. Which is exactly what Troy Michael Hall (32) did. Seems Hall-Ass was already riding high on his horse (what!? a horse on Mule Day!? is nothing sacred!?) and pulled the beast over into a crowd of people to see if he couldn’t score a beer. He dismounted but couldn’t get up again (happens to the best of us, especially when the little filly’s asking to be mounted a second time), and instead he spooked the horse which proceeded to trample a bystander. Hall Mental-sipsses got busted for 2 counts of reckless endangerment and one count of public drunkenness—but his ass got off scotch free. [Oh give me a break, it’s in honor of Mule Day for chrissake.]
How many times have people asked me, “Al, what do you want to be if you grow up?” Zero, actually, but if anyone ever did, i’d say, “Why, i want to work at the Carlsberg brewery.” Well, maybe i used to wanna say that but not anymore. See, Carlsberg used to have a refrigerator stocked with free beer and non-essentials like water and soda. Employees, including the drivers, had the right to all the beer they wanted at lunch and three others during the day. Until management screwed the people again by removing the free beer from the fridge and only offering it up during lunch. The strike has been ongoing since April 7. Here’s a wallpaper of Danish girls who aren’t on a thirst strike, the dirty scabs:
To show your support of striking Carlsberg workers, drink a Steel Reserve.
Who do you wanna party with? You wanna party with Tasha Lee Cantrell and all of her 19-year-old Floridian self. She was pulled over and arrested for DUI and, ’cause her car got towed, she asked the cop if he could give her a ride home. Nice guy that he was, he obliged, until he looked at his back seat cop camera screen and saw this:
So instead of giving the damsel in this dress a lift home, the cop took her to the pokey and busted her for underage drinking. My question is this: If the cop busted her for DUI to begin with, why didn’t he get her for underage drinking then? Anyway, Tasha, you out there? i wanna party with you (if Miss D says it’s OK).
April 16: Previews Of Coming Distractions
Speaking of girls who like to drink, Laura Hall, this 20-year-old Welsh chick, has been banned from every bar in Wales and England for two years because of her drunken antics. i, Al K Hall, your Functional Alcoholic Slurpreson will dedicate an entire blog to this Super Girl later. Stay Tuned…
Think George Costanza eating a pastry off the top of the trash… The story goes something like this. Scheppers Distributing Co couldn’t unload 1500 cases of Budweiser and Michelob Ultra. Like that’s a big surprise. So the beer goes past it’s expiration date (it can taste worse? as if…) and Scheppers destroys 800 cases and dumps the other 700 in a landfill. Some city employees (why yes! this did take place in Missouri! what was your first clue?) decided to take a city pickup to the dump and drive off with 50 cases. City officials don’t know what happened to the beer (apparently no one told them they were in Missouri) but an anonymous caller tipped off The Man, who reviewed dump tapes and caught the guys. One dude quit, the other is facing disciplinary action—which pro’lly means he hasta drink the shit he stole.
Babes, if you’re gonna waste your life on beer, the beer should at least be stronger than whiskey…
A Scottish Brewery called Brew Dog has done the impossible. By conserving an India Pale Ale for over 20 days at -6°C (21°F), Brew Dog was able to come up with Sink the Bismark, an ale that has 41% alcohol. This is now, officially, the strongest beer ever in the history of the entire universe. (You can order it at their website for £40 / $60.)
If you have a chance to poke around their website, you’ll find a Trashy Blonde (a 4.1% alcohol pale ale). Here’s how the Brew Dogs describe it:
You really should just leave it alone……but you just cant get the compulsive malt body and gorgeous dirty blonde colour out of your head. The seductive lure of the sassy passion fruit hop proves too much to resist. All that is even before we get onto the fact that there are no additives preservatives, pasteurization or strings attached.All wrapped up with the customary Brewdog bite and imaginative twist. This trashy blonde is going to get you into a lot of trouble.
Ahhh, makes you want to live in Scotland, don’t it?
‘Cause in Reno that’s the way they (kinda) roll. Some guy driving along sees an SUV going all over the place so he calls the cops. Just before the cops arrive, the squealer sees the passenger drag the driver out of the car and into shotgun before taking the driver’s seat himself. So the cops still pull the car over and it turns out the new driver is drunk, too. Both get busted for DUI.
They better pray they get Maryland Judge Edwin Collier.
Remember 1998? Of course not. i don’t either. Like we got nothing better to do than remember 1998. Stupid question. Another cat who pro’lly doesn’t remember 1998 is Rene E Fernandez. He got popped for a DUI in ’98, twice in three months. Edwin Collier, the judge who tried him the second time, let him off with a warning. Well, couple weeks back the retired judge got hit in his Honda Accord. By a drunk driver. Named Rene E Fernandez.
This 42-year-old in Vermont drove himself to prison for a 2-day sentence for drunk driving. Only problem was, prison officials noticed he was drunk when he got there. So they called the cops who arrested him for drunk driving. He ended up in prison anyway but he’ll have to pay the judge another visit for the new charge. Swear to god, sometimes i think life is one giant Simpsons episode.
Stuart Wilkinson (20) got drunk in Colorado (Boulder, for those of you who know). He ended up going back with a buddy to the buddy’s place. A little later, the police got a call from a woman who’d freaked because a naked stranger had crawled into her bed. Turns out Wilkinson chose to sleep in his buddy’s roommate’s bed, and if she was a she and he was drunk, you gotta see where he was coming from. Anyway, the police arrived and Stewed-art pulled the sheets over his head and refused to get out of bed until the cops threatened to tase him. He was busted only for suspicion of underage drinking and obstructing a peace officer because the chick didn’t want to press charges.
Does this drink taste funny or is it just you? In a sophomoric (literally) prank, at least 2 high school cheerleaders in Saginaw, Texas pee’d in a cup, added some cola and passed out the drinks to their teammates. When asked about the funny taste, they explained they added “sour candy” to it (is anyone other than me thinking “cherry”?)? Talk about your “pee-in colada”…
While obviously not high school cheerleaders, here’s a wallpaper of drunken cheerleaders for you.
To wrap up the commoner dregs, i got an anti-smoking poster that was forbidden by the government here in Yeman. See if you can find what bugged the censors, i sure as hell didn’t see anything wrong with it…
The last guy on the planet lucky enough not to know who Paris Hilton is (i can’t take credit for that shot, TMZ served it up originally) was also the guy checking IDs at something called Coachella Fest. Here’s a picture of him verifying Paris is of age.
This is as good an excuse as any to exposé Paris Hilton. For example, here’s Paris flirting… with Nicky, her sister.
There are tons more shots and wallpapers at the bottom of this post, down in my drawers.
Proof that to be in Playboy you don’t need to be sexy, you just need to have big fake boobs… This former Playmate was on her way to judge a Nude Beauty Pageant (this is now what i want to be if i grow up) in Miami when police stopped her because she was too fast and curvaceous (i’m talking about her driving here, peeps). She blew 0.102% on the Rabbit Test and was released on $1000 bail.
That said, here’s some animal research my Mate knows how to Play:
Scroll down to the end of this post to find more shots of her in my drawers.
Some guy named Andy Dick got thrown out of a winery for being drunk.
If Kiefer Sutherland isn’t the Patron Deity of the Bar None, he is certainly one of our highest Patronizer Saints. If he keeps things up, he just may dethrone David Hasselhoff.
i stole the picture from D-Listed, who’s more honest than i am ’cause they admitted the shot wasn’t from the night i’mma tell you all about.
Kiefer met up with a buddy in London and polished off a couple bottles of wine. At around 2am, they head to a strip club called Stringfellows, current record holder for “Least Erotic Strip Club Name Ever”. Apparently the women there were just as exciting ’cause Kief himself got naked and more outta hand the Heidi Montag’s new boobs. Onlookers in the club described him as “absolutely screamingly paralytic”—which apparently means he was everything but paralytic (what do you expect from a nation that drives on the wrong side of the road?). He was tossed at about 3:30am and security (the tossers) had to throw him in his car a bunch of times because he crept crawling out. Finally, at around 4am, after moping like a $10 dollar whore on Dollar Night, he stumbled into the street and back to the hotel.
Interested in seeing what it looked like for real? You knew you could count on me, dincha…
And in other shocking news, Amy Winehouse got drunk. Interesting enough it was on the same night and in the same city as Kiefer. Good thing it wasn’t together, because two wrongs don’t make it right. Wine-Ho got loaded at London’s May Fair Hotel and left at 4am, though the odor still lingers… Yeah, you should pro’lly just click on the link and read the D-Listed story, it’s tons funnier than this, yo.
Speaking of women i wouldn’t do under any circumstances, Pamela Anderson got so drunk at Guys And Dolls that the booze started leaking from her tits. i know you don’t believe me and that doctors the world over are screaming that it’s medically impossible, but pictures don’t lie, babes.
Here’s more proof, in case you were doubtin’ on me, that her chest sacks are really canteens filled with booze that she drinks from like a camel in the middle of the desert her life has become:
There’ll be just a couple shots of her lingering like an aftertaste in my drawers down below.
Let me kick this section off with a salute to Horace Dumpty, who i’m pretty sure is English and will no doubt be pissed off at my joke up there about how they do everything backwards, and Kiki Demeanor (they wouldn’t let her use “Miss Demeanor”) who are my newest friends on Facebook. Welcome to my nightmare, kids. Just a note, i take on all comers, so don’t hesitate to friend me.
Those of you who do friend me will have access to a Boris Yeltsinner video of him drunk as hell, thanks to Ingar, my Norwegian Wood.
As long as i’m throwing out the lauds, i got some left to give up for Ken / Wayne Buchanan (on my Facebook). Thanks, Brother, for slinging so many of these dregs my way. For the rest of you friends, don’t hesitate to post links to any Dregs-worthy news items you throw up on in your day to day. i’ll use them here and give you a shout out.
And speaking of shout outs: Rodney from way down under and master film reviewer at Fernby Films (go on, click on the link to show the brother some love) has gone one step further than referencing me in his sidebar by adding a banner to the bottom of the reviews both he and i have in common.
Stylish, ain’t it? Thanks for the love, brother!
Speaking of love, i’m here to humbly thank all the faithful readers who have come here to drool over pictures of chicks. Just so you know, Joss Stone is the new Kate Beckinsale. What i mean by this is my hits have been steadily increasing this week—i broke 2,000 total page reads twice in one week for the first time ever and today my homepage (it wasn’t all about the chicks after all) registered more than 1,000 (1,238 as of this writing) page reads all on its own.
What i really mean is that i’m toasting those of you who are reading this right here, right now. Thanks for patronizing me; i couldn’t do it without you, quite literally. The Bar None VIPs are those who come here for the words as well as the shots, so thanks for having my back, peeps.
On a more somber note, my Mom is coming tomorrow and you know what that means. i’m gonna spend one week drinking with her so i won’t have time to post much of anything for a while. i’ll keep you posted as best i can, but i’m counting on you not to find another Bar to hang out in while i’m away. Hell, i’ll give you the keys, feel free to stay as long as you want and say what you feel.
No more multisyllabic (see?) words you gotta look up to understand what i’m on about. The rest of this post are shots for the eyes exclusively. i won’t be offended if you decide to stop here, babes.