Before i get any deeper into this, let me put on some ambient music that is definitely not disposable. My Facebook broder, Robert Storoy (visit his page and let him know how much you like his stuff) sent this on to me.
Robert Storoy (with Lorenz Vauck) & Trond Ihle (vocals) – Ved denne strand (“Here At This Hometown”)
[Press 'Play' for a Norwegian serenade; translated English lyrics at the bottom of the post]
Disposable Evening
Here in the Bar None i’m turning the classy up to at least…i don’t know, but a really really super high number, let me tell you.
In an effort to attract a better brand of alkie, i’m currently selling wine and guess what: we got all three colors!
Now you can tie one on here or get the buzz to go without fear of spilling. Just carry it to your favorite alley, park bench or under a secluded bridge with the love of your night, peel yourself a glass and feel the magic make you disappear. [AlKHallism: A special shout out to my bruder and Facebook buddy Liam Irvine who brought this to my attention.]
“But Al!” you protest (and me keeps methinking you doth protest too much, dude). “What if I’m not the standard brand of alkie you normally get in the Bar None!? What if I have a car and still wanna continue my disposable evening?”
No worries, i got just the thing. Anti-alcohol.
The company is no longer allowed to make the claim explicitly (partly because of the law and partly because it’s a bold faced lie debunked by any and every medical expert who’d care enough to give you the time of day) but if you go to Security’s website and read between the lines, you’ll see that by drinking their magic potion you can reduce the quantity of alcohol in your system. Thanks to this, you can drive without a problem less than an hour after getting totally drunk on my disposable wine. Oh yeah, it’ll also make you hangover proof.
A drink that removes the booze from your system! What’ll they think of next? i know, wouldn’t it be cool if there was a drink that you could drink and it would actually increase the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream? God, i’d love that. Oh wait! It already exists and is called alcohol.
These are the lyrics of the intro song, first in the translated English and then in the original Norwegian. i’m so freakin’ international it makes my head spin, ‘course that could be the lack of oxygen here on my “high” horse. Please, stop me now before i joke again…
June 29th, 2010 at 11:44 pm
It’s true that all those “sober up” medicines are bogus, but Roche pharmacies actually developed a drug to sober (your brain) up in seconds. The alcohol will still be in your blood stream of course, but you’ll mentally be a-ok!
Unfortunately they didn’t release the drug due to fears of abuse.
Not that this little story would be useful but it’ll make for some good bartalk. : D
Cheers
June 30th, 2010 at 11:35 am
I love me some Norweigen lyrics. Please print more. They make more sense while half pissed, I can tell you, and I feel all Norse for some reason…
Pass me a Viking, I’m off to Valhalla for a drink!
June 30th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
Yeah! When you get there, i’ll Val-halla at you and you Val-halla at me back, K? We can drink thick mead out of animal horns and stuff. plus, the more we drink, the better we’ll speak Norwegian. Sounds like a rockin’ plan to me, brother.
Thanks for patronizing me, man,
Al K Hall
June 30th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
Cool tunage!
a) the disposable wine probably is as good as that juice box wine, which means “pretty bad.”
b) it’s just one freakin’ GLASS. Why bother?
c) the best way for a body to remove booze from its system is to either not drink it or piss it away with copious water consumption, eh? I guess that’s kind of like the argument for chastity as birth control, though, huh, lol. Like b) up there: why bother?
d) “Security” looks disturbingly like pee. Has a pear taste, eh? Hmmmmm.
(Seriously, I just read online that the major secret ingredient is artichoke. You can get caplets of it at a natural foods store/pharmacy. It might be possible to just pop some of those caplets and get the same results. “Security” is an interesting concept, though! Sounds like it is more for drinkers who enjoy wine for the wine and not for its inebriative properties, huh.)
June 30th, 2010 at 9:49 pm
i agree, cool tunage! i’m the luckiest bartender i the whole world…
Thanks for the insights and research into the other stuff. Not only is it sold by the glass, the glasses look really freaking small to me.
Al K Hall