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10 Ways i Know You’re Drunk (A Top Ten Lips)

Hey there fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) and members of the D-Generation. ‘Tis i, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here with another Top 10 Lips.

As you regulars here in the Bar None know, i’ve been on the wagon for somethin’ like two weeks now and not only is this newfound sobriety scary as hell (how do normal people do sober!?), it’s also shattered my beer bottle glasses and revealed reality as it really is: Some scary shitzu.

In this alternate reality, i have seen that which no drunk should ever have to see. i have seen what we drinkers look like drunk and if that’s not enough to make you wanna curl up in a fetal ball,  whine out for mommy and weep blood profusely from both eyes then you’re still as drunk as i need to be.

Needless to say i can’t keep these frightening scenes unseen i have seen to myself, so i’m here to dump them on you. These, then, are the:

10 Ways i Know You’re Drunk

1. You insist you’re not. A lot. Loudly. Until you pass out on the bathroom floor.

2. You take off your pants—to puke.

3. You’re not a woman and that’s not your period.

4. You can’t find the barstool you’re sitting on.

5. That’s not my hand you’re shaking.

6. You’re arguing with me because i’m agreeing with you.

7. You refuse to leave a moving vehicle but you’re lying on a bed.

8. You’re convinced “pizza yogurt” is the best idea you’ve ever had.

9. [For him] There’s fur in your zipper and the dog is limping.

Some Scary Shitzu

10. [For her] You hung out with his ugly friend to meet the cute guy, but it’s late, you’re drunk, and settling for the friend seems like a good idea.

[i got other Top 10 Lips coming out my ass right here]

Are you really gonna let me have all the fun? Don’t be shy. Make this a collaborative effort and leave your favorite ways in the comments section.

About Al K Hall

Like a battered drinker or a punch drunk boxer, i am here for another round. For those of you who don’t know me, i’m a semi-professional writer on the rocks and a non-practicing alcoholic (if after 30 years of practicing, you still can't do something well, it's best to just give it up). For those of you who do know me, thanks for stopping by anyway and where’s the ten bucks you owe me? Welcome to my Bar None. A hole in the wall where we can hang out and trade the kind of stories you swap only when you’ve had one too many and either can’t find your way home or are afraid to. Hell, it’s cheaper than therapy and plus the pictures are prettier. Here we’ll crack open bottles and jokes and ‘last call’ are the only dirty words you’ll never hear. Pull up a stool and make yourselves at home. http://about.me/AlKHall

10 comments on “10 Ways i Know You’re Drunk (A Top Ten Lips)

  1. Robert
    July 2, 2010

    Cant stop laughing……………………………………….thats very funny.. somebody stop me before I get a heart attack :))))))
    bip.bip,bip biiip.biiiip. biiiiiiiiiiiiiiip.___________________________R.I.P

    • Al K Hall
      July 2, 2010

      Someone get Robert a drink…STAT!

      Dr Al K Hall

  2. Ken
    July 2, 2010

    Truthfully, you now have nothing to blame for thestuff you still seem to do that you used to blame on the booze.

    • Al K Hall
      July 2, 2010

      Hey, that dog was consenting and over 18 (in dog years)…

      Al K Hall

      • Rodney
        July 2, 2010

        Ewwww… What does Miss D think of that?

      • Al K Hall
        July 2, 2010

        Shhh…she still thinks it was a hairy midget….

  3. Rodney
    July 2, 2010

    Some of the people in these photos… they remind me of the good old days of the Bar None when it was an open tab and the vodka flowed easy…. ahhh…. my favourite is the top one: that’s just amazing that she can do the splits like that while passed out in the can.

    • Al K Hall
      July 2, 2010

      Brother, the vodka is still in a bottomless bottle and i haven’t charged anyone a dime since i went on the wagon. Plus, the updates are more regular, funnier, and i haven’t insulted anyone in a drunken post or comment in over two weeks!

      These are the good old days, babe. Live ’em up!

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

  4. Miss Demeanor
    July 2, 2010

    OMG, OMG — those photos! BWAH HAH HAH HAH! Where do you FIND this stuff?!?

    Scary stuff, indeed. Funny, too.

    “Shhh…she still thinks it was a hairy midget….”

    So the cat, uhhh dog, is out of the bag!

    This one made me laugh the most:

    “6. You’re arguing with me because i’m agreeing with you.”

    because I have totally been in that situation with you. LOL.

    Let’s see.

    I know you’re (the global “you”) drunk when

    — you start drunk dialing people you have not talked to in six months or more and claiming they are your “best friends.” Variation: drunk dialing the ex you are still hung up on.

    — you urinate places you are not supposed to (like in parks, under trees.) ((Guilty.)) Oh — also, wetting the bed. Or the floor where you are passed out. Urinating anywhere except a toilet.

    — you start crying because something in those Justin Bieber
    lyrics in that song of his touches your soul, and then you play it over, and over, and over because they make you feel so REAL. Then you cry some more, listen some more. The cycle continues until something else comes along to distract (probably something like wanting to drunk dial some more, or urinate where you shouldn’t).

    I decided to Google to see if I could come up with more and turned up this link: Things That are difficult to Say When Drunk

    It’s funny. :)

    • Al K Hall
      July 2, 2010

      Sweetness!

      Glad you got a chuckle from the post. As for the photos, what can i say, it’s a lot of hard work. As for #6, you were the one who gave me the idea, i just funnied it up.

      i loved your suggestions…the Justin Bieber one really cracked me up. Thanks for playing!

      i actually got the Things You Can’t Say When You’re Drunk thing as an e-mail a couple years back and i used parts of it in a previous post about the BAC.

      MWAH

      Al K Hall

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Thanks For Patronizing Me

Welcome to my Bar None. A hole in the wall where we can hang out and trade the kind of stories you swap only when you've had one too many and either can't find your way home or are afraid to. Hell, it's cheaper than therapy and plus the pictures are prettier. Here we'll crack open bottles and jokes and 'last call' are the only dirty words you'll never hear. 

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