Hey there fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) and members of the D-Generation. ‘Tis i, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here with another Top 10 Lips.
As you regulars here in the Bar None know, i’ve been on the wagon for somethin’ like two weeks now and not only is this newfound sobriety scary as hell (how do normal people do sober!?), it’s also shattered my beer bottle glasses and revealed reality as it really is: Some scary shitzu.
In this alternate reality, i have seen that which no drunk should ever have to see. i have seen what we drinkers look like drunk and if that’s not enough to make you wanna curl up in a fetal ball, whine out for mommy and weep blood profusely from both eyes then you’re still as drunk as i need to be.
Needless to say i can’t keep these frightening scenes unseen i have seen to myself, so i’m here to dump them on you. These, then, are the:
10 Ways i Know You’re Drunk
1. You insist you’re not. A lot. Loudly. Until you pass out on the bathroom floor.
2. You take off your pants—to puke.
3. You’re not a woman and that’s not your period.
4. You can’t find the barstool you’re sitting on.
5. That’s not my hand you’re shaking.
6. You’re arguing with me because i’m agreeing with you.
7. You refuse to leave a moving vehicle but you’re lying on a bed.
8. You’re convinced “pizza yogurt” is the best idea you’ve ever had.
9. [For him] There’s fur in your zipper and the dog is limping.
Some Scary Shitzu
10. [For her] You hung out with his ugly friend to meet the cute guy, but it’s late, you’re drunk, and settling for the friend seems like a good idea.
[i got other Top 10 Lips coming out my ass right here]
Are you really gonna let me have all the fun? Don’t be shy. Make this a collaborative effort and leave your favorite ways in the comments section.
July 2nd, 2010 at 2:49 am
Cant stop laughing……………………………………….thats very funny.. somebody stop me before I get a heart attack
)))))
bip.bip,bip biiip.biiiip. biiiiiiiiiiiiiiip.___________________________R.I.P
July 2nd, 2010 at 7:48 am
Someone get Robert a drink…STAT!
Dr Al K Hall
July 2nd, 2010 at 5:53 am
Truthfully, you now have nothing to blame for thestuff you still seem to do that you used to blame on the booze.
July 2nd, 2010 at 7:47 am
Hey, that dog was consenting and over 18 (in dog years)…
Al K Hall
July 2nd, 2010 at 11:48 am
Ewwww… What does Miss D think of that?
July 2nd, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Shhh…she still thinks it was a hairy midget….
July 2nd, 2010 at 11:51 am
Some of the people in these photos… they remind me of the good old days of the Bar None when it was an open tab and the vodka flowed easy…. ahhh…. my favourite is the top one: that’s just amazing that she can do the splits like that while passed out in the can.
July 2nd, 2010 at 8:05 pm
Brother, the vodka is still in a bottomless bottle and i haven’t charged anyone a dime since i went on the wagon. Plus, the updates are more regular, funnier, and i haven’t insulted anyone in a drunken post or comment in over two weeks!
These are the good old days, babe. Live ‘em up!
Thanks for patronizing me,
Al K Hall
July 2nd, 2010 at 3:25 pm
OMG, OMG — those photos! BWAH HAH HAH HAH! Where do you FIND this stuff?!?
Scary stuff, indeed. Funny, too.
“Shhh…she still thinks it was a hairy midget….”
So the cat, uhhh dog, is out of the bag!
This one made me laugh the most:
“6. You’re arguing with me because i’m agreeing with you.”
because I have totally been in that situation with you. LOL.
Let’s see.
I know you’re (the global “you”) drunk when
– you start drunk dialing people you have not talked to in six months or more and claiming they are your “best friends.” Variation: drunk dialing the ex you are still hung up on.
– you urinate places you are not supposed to (like in parks, under trees.) ((Guilty.)) Oh — also, wetting the bed. Or the floor where you are passed out. Urinating anywhere except a toilet.
– you start crying because something in those Justin Bieber
lyrics in that song of his touches your soul, and then you play it over, and over, and over because they make you feel so REAL. Then you cry some more, listen some more. The cycle continues until something else comes along to distract (probably something like wanting to drunk dial some more, or urinate where you shouldn’t).
I decided to Google to see if I could come up with more and turned up this link: Things That are difficult to Say When Drunk
It’s funny.
July 2nd, 2010 at 8:13 pm
Sweetness!
Glad you got a chuckle from the post. As for the photos, what can i say, it’s a lot of hard work. As for #6, you were the one who gave me the idea, i just funnied it up.
i loved your suggestions…the Justin Bieber one really cracked me up. Thanks for playing!
i actually got the Things You Can’t Say When You’re Drunk thing as an e-mail a couple years back and i used parts of it in a previous post about the BAC.
MWAH
Al K Hall