Hey there fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) and members of the D-Generation. ‘Tis i, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here with another Top 10 Lips.
As you regulars here in the Bar None know, i’ve been on the wagon for somethin’ like two weeks now and not only is this newfound sobriety scary as hell (how do normal people do sober!?), it’s also shattered my beer bottle glasses and revealed reality as it really is: Some scary shitzu.
In this alternate reality, i have seen that which no drunk should ever have to see. i have seen what we drinkers look like drunk and if that’s not enough to make you wanna curl up in a fetal ball, whine out for mommy and weep blood profusely from both eyes then you’re still as drunk as i need to be.
Needless to say i can’t keep these frightening scenes unseen i have seen to myself, so i’m here to dump them on you. These, then, are the:
10 Ways i Know You’re Drunk
1. You insist you’re not. A lot. Loudly. Until you pass out on the bathroom floor.
2. You take off your pants—to puke.
3. You’re not a woman and that’s not your period.
4. You can’t find the barstool you’re sitting on.
5. That’s not my hand you’re shaking.
6. You’re arguing with me because i’m agreeing with you.
7. You refuse to leave a moving vehicle but you’re lying on a bed.
8. You’re convinced “pizza yogurt” is the best idea you’ve ever had.
9. [For him] There’s fur in your zipper and the dog is limping.
10. [For her] You hung out with his ugly friend to meet the cute guy, but it’s late, you’re drunk, and settling for the friend seems like a good idea.
Are you really gonna let me have all the fun? Don’t be shy. Make this a collaborative effort and leave your favorite ways in the comments section.