From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Black Keys – Chop And Chan
Final Proof: 2 Shots
You know how you go to get drunk at a high school party and not even one thrown by cool kids whose parents are out of town but by some Christian kid in his basement where his parents promise to stay upstairs? You hope at least the punch is packing but it’s not spiked because of all the vampire wannabe’s, so there’s no booze and the only kind of action you get is sophomoric melodrama love triangles that are pointless because none of the sides are even dry humping each other. The only sex in the party is french kissing without the added touch of heavy petting and you are so far beyond these dweebs in every thought you’ve ever had, ever drink you’ve ever drunk, everything you’ve ever done that you know before you go that you have no business inflicting yourself on their poor saved souls. So yeah, Twilight: Eclipse is kinda like that sad high school party.
What do you want me to tell you? This movie is like a pink lady or other girlie cocktail: not made for me. i will say i hated this one less than i hated the previous one, New Moon, but that’s paramount to saying getting stabbed in my left eye didn’t hurt as much as being stabbed in my right eye.
i’m thinking i pretty much shouldn’t be allowed to review any movie that will be on the covers of notebooks in supermarket back-to-school sale bins. Or kiddie sheets—i definitely should not be permitted to critique any film that could spawn a sheet set for a toddler’s bed. i need to remember to stay with the kind movie that would make a good tat or that you could whack off to. Something like that.
There’s just nothing cool about this movie. Nothing. The sad thing is that it’s starting to deteriorate Kristen Stewart’s acting. She was pretty decent in Into The Wild and now this third installment of Twinklight is so sugar sappy sweet that’s it’s decaying her acting chops away to nothing.
You ever see a girl act with her pout? Unbelievable. It’s like, “Here’s my sexy pout. Here’s my sad pout. Here’s my angry pout. Here’s my favorite, it’s my incredulous pout and you’re gonna see it a lot because I can’t freaking believe all the attention this crap is giving me.”
i sure as hell can’t believe it, either.
Guess what. As Dakota Fanning is still too young to know better, i’m gonna have to card her here. Nothing age inappropriate in the Bar None, yo.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
Plenty of hot girls, the only problem is none of them were doing anything hot, but then again, it wasn’t entirely their fault. For example, there’s one scene where Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are all alone in the house and lying on the bed and making out with all their clothes on and Bella starts begging Ed to drive his tube stake deep into her and….he says No. He takes a pass on that and stands up to leave.
Before we get any deeper into the sexy bits, here’s a song from the soundtrack to scroll by: Sia – My Love
One of the reasons i’m being generous with my rating here is that there were 5 times we got to see Kristen Stewart’s butt (which is 20-years-old) in jeans.
Can anyone tell me why her belt is on backwards? Is this like “hip” fashion?
Apart from that, the most we get out of Bella is a lot of kissing. She’s the kissing slut in the basement closet of this freshman party. Here’s a little more than that.
There’ll be more single shots of her served up in my drawers. Scroll down for that.
Still fiercely clinging to my metaphor, we got Jessica (Anna Kendrick) as the slow friend of the party. Jessica may be the class valedictorian, but it’s gotta be pretty easy to ace your senior year when, like Anna, you’re nearly 25.
There’s single shots of her held back in my drawers as well. This means Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick are hanging out in my drawers together, dawg.
The other main cutie in this bad boy is Ashley Greene (23), as Alice Cullen. As impressive as her acting talents is seeing her nipple poking all the way through her thick leather coat. That’s a skill they can’t teach in theater class.
Some more single shots of her are hanging with the rest at the bottom of my drawers.
i jotted down in my notes that Victoria was hotter in this movie than New Moon. Turns out my eye for the sexy is more finely attuned than we thought because putting this post together i found out they changed actresses. Last time we had Rachel Lefevre and they switched her out for Bryce Dallas Howard (29).
Yep, still some more shots of her in the drawers.
First off, we got Julia Jones (29) who does well in the role of smoldering Leah Clearwater; course “smoldering” is easy for her ’cause she’s smoking hot.
Second off, we got Monique Ganderton (29), stuntwoman and sexy civil war flashback vampire. She must be a good actress, she speaks with an accent and everything.
For those of you more interested in stakes than hearts, we got Robert Pattinson (24) as Edward Cullen.
Here’s Rob in the Bar None.
The only line that cracked me up in the movie (OK, the only line that cracked me up and was meant to crack me up) was when Ed sees Jacob (Taylor Lautner–18) topless and says “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”
Drink: 0 Shots
- Bella’s dad drinks “R” beer [wtf?]
- Some guys are drunk in an alley in a prohibition flashback
- Negative points because there’s a high school graduation party and no one drinking alcohol. And you thought vampires hanging with werewolves wasn’t realistic…
Rock & Roll: ½ Shot
We got The Black Keys up above and we also got us some Florence & The Machine (who i actually first discovered in Jennifer’s Body). Apart from these two tunes, the soundtrack was pretty super lame. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this:
- Metric – Eclipse (All Yours)
- Muse – Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)
- The Bravery – Ours
- Florence & The Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
- Sia – My Love
- Fanfarlo – Atlas
- Chop And Change – The Black Keys
- The Dead Weather – Rolling In On A Burning Tire
- Beck and Bat For Lashes – Let’s Get Lost
- Vampire Weekend – Jonathan Low
- Unkle - With You In My Head (Feat. The Black Angels)
- Eastern Conference Champions – A Million Miles An Hour
- Band Of Horses – Life On Earth
- Cee Lo Green – What Part Of Forever
- Jacob’s Theme – Howard Shore
Anyway, here’s the Florence & The Machine tune:
There was some music that was not even close enough to rock to be included in the same sentence as the word “rock” at the high school graduation party.
There was also some music not as pop as the rest of the pop during the scene where southern accent vampire teaches everyone how to fight newborn vampires.
As for rock and roll action, there was a fight scene with vampires and werewolves against baby (“newborn”) vampires. Cool enough but way too short.
Boring Technical Crap
Stephenie Meyer – Novel
Melissa Rosenberg – Screenplay
Directed by: David Slade
Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Dakota Fanning – Jane
Anna Kendrick – Jessica
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Bryce Dallas Howard – Victoria
Julia Jones – Leah Clearwater
Monique Ganderton – Beautiful Vampiress
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black
Don’t see it unless you’re a fourteen-year-old church youth group member, or trying to impress one.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Kristen Stewart (20)
Anna Kendrick (24)
Ashley Greene (23)
Bryce Dallas Howard (29)