From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Mountain – Mississippi Queen
Ramblings: ExpendaBull Sh*t
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with gay guys? Not the girly-man tweaking twinker types. i’m talkin’ ’bout the macho, he-man buff dudes in pink jerseys with a twinkle in their eye and jeans so tight you can see each vein bulge as the ‘roid rage ramps up their loins. They sit there with their shirts off caressing their own chests, drinking warm beer out of bottles but they don’t do any of that faggy shit at the table, they just punch each other in the arm and show off their tats but then they sneak off to the men’s room to pound each other bloody in the stall furthest from the door and when it’s over they collapse on the dirty floor, their heads on the black horseshoe toilet seat and hold each other sobbing uncontrollably. That’s what The Expendables was like.
This is supposed to be a great action movie. People are gonna come up to you in a biker bar in some backwater town and tell you how great this action movie was and they’re gonna be dead wrong. You wanna know what a great action movie was? Charlie’s Angels. Either of them. Go stream or download or whatever word you kids use for stealing nowdays a copy of either Charlie’s Angels movie and count the action scenes. Too many to count. Better yet, time how long there is between action scenes. Minutes max. Now watch The Expendables. Four action scenes. Spy Kids has more action for chrissakes.
“But wait,” these people who don’t know nearly as much about shit as i do are gonna whine, “look at the cast!” Man, most of the people in the cast weren’t even really in the movie. Schwarzenegger was in the movie for less than 3 minutes and wasn’t even on the set but was dubbed in thanks to the magic of movies and they didn’t even do a good job of that. Ditto Bruce Willis. Mickey Rourke has like two scenes. Basically the movie is Stallone and Statham, with some support from Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren. That’s the cast.
Speaking of the actors; one small shout out to my brotha of anotha motha, Mickey Rourke. i’m so sorry they made you use your mad acting skillz in this crap, man. Why did you wanna go waste a good acting cry in an action movie? Eric Roberts did a good job as the bad guy but hell, playing the bad guy is as easy as skipping out on the tab when the bartender is passed out.
So, no. This isn’t an action movie. It’s gay porn without the sex.
You know how i know this movie is gay? There’s more freaking leather in this thing than an entire San Francisco Village People reunion tour convention. You know how else i know this movie is gay? The guys are always hugging and talking about their feelings and crying all the time. There are only three girls in this move and no skin. This is When Hairy Met Salty. The Bitches of Madison Cowboy. 13 Going on 30 Inches. It isn’t an action movie, it isn’t a chick flick—it’s a Dick Flick.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Shots
Three girls whose total screen time was shorter than when i lost my virginity. Yeah, that quick.
Don’t get me wrong, two and half of them were cute, but ’cause this movie is all about the man-love Stallone didn’t feel it was important to make the most of these magical creatures.
Charisma Carpenter (her parents must have been cheerleaders with wood) is gorgeous as the girl that breaks Lee Christmas’s (Jason Statham) girly heart. I’d say she was a hot 40-year-old except she’s hot for any freaking age. Here’s what i’m talking about:
There’s more shots of her in my drawers, just scroll down to the end of the post.
The other hot girl is the lovely Mexican actress Giselle Itié (27). She’s the strongest female character in the movie, which doesn’t make her less cliché but does make her cooler than any of the guys.
There’s more shots of her rollin’ ’round in my nether drawers as well.
The half-pretty one was Lauren Jones (28). i’m not trying to be insulting with the “half-pretty” crack: i mean, i’m sure she’s a really sweet girl who would totally come up to my ugly ass in some chic bar and strike up a conversation with me just because she’s that kind of generous. The problem isn’t with her, it’s with me. i’m just not that into the whole Cali-Platstic Barbie Dolled up thing. Like she cares what i think anyway. Still, knowing that she did might make her more attractive, you never know.
[2011-04-07: Oops; her 'people' just left me a note dogging my ass that i stepped all over their copy write and i betcha if i'd of said super nice things about "Copy Write Barbie" instead of being all wittily insulting then they would've let me keep the shots up. ]
For those of you more interested in expendabulls than expendacows, you’re SOL ’cause this is late and i can’t be bothered to look for pictures of these old fucks. There are some Mickey Rourke shots here, though.
Drink: 1 Shot
Here’s my notes exactly as i wrote them:
- Beer while flying a plane
- JS [Jason Statham] brings ex a bottle of champagne
- [Mickey Rourke to Cheyenne (Lauren Jones)] “Run upstairs and make me a 6-olive martini.”
- Dexter guy [David Zayas, who plays General Garza here and Angel Batista in "Dexter"] throws a bottle out the palace window to yell at daughter
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
Two shots and they got nothing to do with the absence of any rock and roll action. i’m servin’ up 2 here because there were some pretty cool songs here, even if they were kinda old, and you gotta remember i’m old enough to remember when beer came in metal cans and not the aluminum crap they’re throwin’ at you today.
Here’s the cooler part of the soundtrack:
- The Georgia Satellites – Keep Your Hands to Yourself
- Creedence Clearwater Revival – Keep On Chooglin’
- Mountain – Mississippi Queen
- Creedence Clearwater Revival – Born on the Bayou
- Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back in Town
In case you have a hankering for some Thin Lizzy:
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Dave Callaham & Sylvester Stallone
Directed by: Sylvester Stallone
Giselle Itié – Sandra
Charisma Carpenter – Lacy
Lauren Jones – Cheyenne
Mickey Rourke – Tool
Sylvester Stallone – Barney Ross
Jason Statham – Lee Christmas
Jet Li – Ying Yang
Dolph Lundgren – Gunner Jensen
Eric Roberts – James Munroe
David Zayas – General Garza
Screw it. If you want an action movie, ditch The Expendables and join The A-Team.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Giselle Itié (27)
Charisma Carpenter (40)