Thanks for Patronizing Me
From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Marilyn Manson – I Put A Spell On You
i got bragging rights again. Harry Potter and the Deathly Shallows: Part 2 came out in Yeaman on Wednesday the 13th of July and i got to see it on the morning of the 14th, one full day before most of y’all. Don’t be too jealous, though, read on to see why…
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you try to get drunk on a six pack of wine coolers? Maybe it was a bet, maybe it was a dare, maybe it just sounded good at the moment so you start in and the first one is nice and cool but maybe a little sweet and after that you reach for the second and already the flavor is getting drowned in the saccharin and your tongue starts to go numb and you realize the product is starting to lose its good taste and pretty soon it just all melts together in one massive sugar binge. Sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes bitter or cool or tepid or good or nauseating or fun or sickening or sexy or boring but no matter what you may feel, you never really feel drunk. At the end, you’re just glad the experience is over and the bottles are going off to the recylcle bin and the cardboard carrying pack is tossed on the fire and you can say the ordeal has all ended and start looking forward to fare that may be a little less popular with the masses, but infitely more satisfying.
We grew up with Harry Potter, unless you’re like me and he grew up around you while you stayed the same. The books (what, i know people who can read) got better as J K Rowling developed her craft, the actors improved with age, the special effects went from extraordinary to commonplace. All of this means that Harry has become even more mainstream and if you don’t see how that’s possible you should go see this film.
i’ve said it before and if you don’t remember i said it right here in my review of Harry Potter and the Deathly Shallows: Part 1 and now i’m saying it again: i never read the Harry Potter books and so i don’t really care. i never felt the magic in Harry’s universe and, after this remake of Harry Potter’s 1-5, i’m starting to feel the magic is fading. There are cauldrons of people who read the books and want to see the movie to see all the words they didn’t understand no matter how much they sounded them out and i’m sure their reactions will be as exceptionally tepid as they were to all the previous movies. This review isn’t for them because no matter what i say, they’re not going to believe me.
This review is for people who go to the movies or at least watch them and i’m telling you i’ve seen worse. The good news is, after five movies, the exposition is pretty much taken care of so we get mercifully little setting up of the action and the result is a pretty exciting film for Harry Potter, exciting like a close finish in Candy Land bored game tournament.
There’s one annoying side to this film, something our regular patronizer Saint Pauly would call a big WTF!?. Here’s how HP pains my ass: there are tons of spells for everything from stopping people from falling midair to transporting them from one city to another a million miles away but still they cannot open a locked gate and they still have to sweep up the dust with a broom after a battle. WTF!?
One side note before i wrap this shit up and call it a present. John Hurt makes a cameo as the guy that runs the wand shop (and how sad is it that you know the character’s name?) and he does an awesome job. He’s only in the movie long enough for you get a hard-on and not polish it off, but he’s a totally underrated actor. If you think about Elephant Man, Alien, V For Vendetta and gobs of other movies he owned, you understand why i want him to share his genes with me, or at least his PIN code.
i’ve been bitching a lot in this review and i gave it 3 shots anyway. What’s up with that? How the hell am i supposed to know. But, like a bottle of Everclear at a magic show, i should go easy on it. With all of its obvious faults i walked away feeling better about this one than i had any other Potter in a long while and plus, at the end of my Part 1 review i said there was more action in that one than the previous ones and i hoped the trend was going to continue and it did. On top of that, the film looks really freaking good from a cinematographical (using big words is easy when you make them up yourself) point of view.
Still, all in all, and that said, this isn’t a bad way to close the Tween Factory. Basically the whole movie is the war between Potter and Valdermort, so there’s a lot of action and i didn’t even fall asleep once for a moment. i guess that’s my point: See it and you won’t fall asleep.
Before i get to the good shit, i have to card Ellie Darcey-Alden, the young and talented and especially young actress who plays Young Lily (and i know you’re not going to ask me who that is). Maybe it should be Very Young Lily because she’s only 12 years old but already she’s showing magnificent talent and i wish her the best on what will surely be a glorious future. i have to do it here, however, because there’s nothing age inappropriate going on at the Bar None so Miss Darcey-Alden is relegated to the “review” section. Here are some promotional shots of the gifted Ellie Darcey-Alden.
Sex: 1 Shot
Man, i tell you what, the people over at Hogwarts (and is it just me, or does the name of their school sound like an STD?) sure are wand teases. They get your magic stick all tingly and glowing and then…nothing. But don’t believe me if you don’t have to. i put together this collage i like to call BFFs of Hairy Potter and i won’t even tell you what the second ‘F’ stands for because i’m too much of a gentleman.
And just like the movies are all warmed up, re-served rehashes, this section will be a little shorter than the one for Part 1 only because i shot my wad over in that post with all the hot shots. Click here to re-view the best of the girls of Hairy Got Her.
Starting with Emma Watson, who shows more skin in her normal life than she ever does in the movies. Be it showing up at rock festivals or playing musical colleges, her day to day is a lot more provocative than that of her alter-ego. It’s not for lack of trying, either. Hermione the Grange gets soaking wet twice, but isn’t wearing anything even remotely see-through either time. Plus, after one of the times, Harry strips down (and we see why he’s called ‘Hairy’) and Ron strips down (and we see why he should be called ‘Pale and Pudgy’), yet Hermione only puts on MORE clothes. There’s also the briefest of moments where Her Minee is suspended midair and if you don’t blink you get a quick peek at her swelling bosoms beneath her bodice, but nothing more than in the picture i just stuck in over there on the right. Not even close to the real Emma Watson’s flirtations with public nudity. What am I on about? Hell, i won’t let it slip but she will, and here’s all the ramifications of that.
There’s a lot more where this is coming all over the place from, all you have to do is scroll down til you reach my drawers.
Coming back again and again as Ginny Weasely is my Bonnie Wright or Wrong. There’s even one super hot scene where she actually bumps her lips against Harry’s in what would almost be misinterpreted as a kiss by those less schooled in the art of skill than i. Bonnie, however, knows the difference between Wright and Wrong and here’s the proof of that. (And even more shots in the Drawers.)
You know what my favorite thing about Bonnie is? Of course you don’t so stop interrupting me with stupid answers to my rhetorical questions while i tell you. She’s engaged to this actor named Jamie Campbell Bower (no, he’s not a girl, he’s English) who she met because he was in the first part of Deathly Hallows. Since then, he’s moved on to more serious acting because he plays Caius in one of the Twilight movies. i won’t tell you my favorite thing about him, but i will make you guess. Can you tell what it is i love about Jamie Campbell Bower?
Exactly, he can’t be with Bonnie unless he’s drunk. Someone less scrupulous than i light say it’s proof that he’s gay. But i wouldn’t do that. What i would do is tell you that he’s engaged to Bonnie and i think he asked her to marry him because he’s afraid that she’ll leave him because of the baby. His. Look at this time lapse photo series to see what i mean.
Alcohol is an ungrateful bitch, the more you nurse it the harder it hits you.
Then there’s Helena Bonham Carter who good graces us with her reappearance as Bellatrix Lestrange. What can i say about Helena i haven’t said before? Absolutely nothing so let’s just move on.
Yes, of course there’ll be some Drawer shots, you don’t even have to ask.
The final entry in major actresses goes to Evanna Lynch who is cool as all hell. After-Potter, she’s dyed her hair red and got braces on her teeth and the look works for her. i’m totally serious. She took out the nose ring and with her magnificent eyes, thick hair and ingenue orthodontics, she’s quick becoming my favorite Potter girl.
Here’s a little of that i’m spreading around.
If you want to see the red hair thing, i’ll meet you in my Drawers, down below.
Returning as Fleur Delacour is the stunning French Clémence Poésy who i’m sure is French because she’s got an infestation of accents all over her name. None of which prevents her from looking like this.
You can do some Drawer shots at the bottom.
i am also totally thrilled to point out once more the lovely and vastly underrated Georgina Leonidas (21), who comes back to us in the schoolgirl skirts of Katie Bell. Who’s somebody at the school.
Wrapping things off and tying things up is the ever so lovely Katie Leung, who is so hot and smoking i have Leung cancer. (Yeah, yeah—like you’ve read this far anyway.) Katie plays Cho Chang, in an apparent case of typecasting, who is a witch, which i’m sure isn’t a case of typecasting. Here’s why not.
Drink: 0 Shots
Here’s the extent of my notes about booze: “Magic beer at Dumbledore’s brother’s.”
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
There wasn’t any rock and roll in the movie, which is why i had to slip in the Marilyn Manson that kicks off this post, but i’m going 3 shots here because of the action. i said it before so please don’t make me say it again, but there was more action here than any of the other Harry Potter movies.
J K Rowling (Novel)
Steve Kloves (screenplay)
Directed by: David Yates
See it only if you saw Part 1, because that means you saw all the rest of them as well.
Emma Watson (21)
Evanna Lynch (19)
Bonnie Wright (20)
Helena Bonham Carter (45)
Clémence Poésy (28)
Katie Leung (23)