From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Natalie Portman – Uncensored Rap
[Press Play for THE Natalie Portman rapping, “Shut the fuck up and suck my dick”]
Ramblings: “Black…” is Beautiful
Final Proof: 4½ Shots
You know how it is when you get drunk and look in the mirror? You look normal and you look normally when you catch your own eye as you stagger past the glass, but it’s like one of those words you repeat over and over again until it no longer makes sense ’cause your face melts like ice in bourbon into that word you no longer recognize so you keep staring, waiting to see something familiar but the longer you look the more of a stranger you become so you start talking to yourself and when the reflection of yourself doesn’t answer you flip it off and then you reach the point where you forget who is who and which one is you, the ass or the bastard behind the glass and if you’re really shattered you fight the reflection with your fist in your face so that you and the glass are both cracked and bleeding. That’s exactly the kind of reflections Black Swan will leave you with.
Black Swan is what we in the movie business call “fuckin’ good” and just stop me if I start getting too technical for your lay asses. Why was it fucking good? Because it wasn’t perfect but tried to be.
There’s this quote and I’m pretty sure it’s by Bono where he talks about John Lennon and Bono says what gets him isn’t how Lennon hits the note perfectly, but the way his voice cracks when trying for it. Black Swan is that perfect crack. Because the movie isn’t perfect, but it strives to be.
Dark and intense like any woman worth my salt, Black Swan takes us on a tour of broken glass on the other side of a jagged mirror. It’s edgy, sharp and perversely intimate.
One word about Natalie Portman before we move on to the good stuff (or at least the better than shit stuff). i know there was some trashed talk about how she didn’t really do the dancing and rather than give more attention than i already haven’t to some unprofessional dancer looking to time lease her 15 seconds of infame, i’m gonna steer you to an article where the director details exactly how much tiptoeing Natalie did through the tulips. i’m also gonna add that no matter how much dancing Natalie did, she still rocked the tutu off the role and owned the Oscar even before she won it. Then, when you realize she actually did most of the steps, you rise to your feet in misty eyed spontaneous applause.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 4 Shots
There’s so much going on here i don’t know which chicken to choke first.
Let’s start with Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman was bendy as a red hot twizzler in this movie and just as tasty. Not only did she go there, she went there, danced on it, broke it, fixed it and brought it back. She fucking owned it and by “it” i mean “everything”, including the sex and you had to know that’s where i was going because i just gave a 4-shot sex rating.
For example, we start off with Natalie in panties and covering her own boobs with her hands, and from there it only goes up and “up” is the direction it goes, ’cause there’s a scene of Natalie beating off in bed and then beating off again in the tub so that she can make the switch to Bad Swan and you so want to be with NP when she’s Bad Swan because you get to spank her little tutu.
i’m gonna toss up the mandatory collage/wallpaper and then i’m gonna stick some single shots of her deep down in my drawers.
i see your Natalie and raise you Mila dollars.
Here’s what i think is cool, any woman’s whose last name can be used as slang for the female sex organ. Like “Kunis”. As in, “Get a load of that Kunis.” There was Kunis galore in Black Swan, let me tell you. In addition to all the hot, sweaty Kunis this film oozed with, there was some lesbian Kunis. Was it fantasy? Was it real? Was it a dream? Do we care as long as they show it? They showed it all right.
They showed everything from Mila and Natalie kissing to Mila eating out and i don’t mean at a restaurant unless we’re talking about the smorgasbord between Natalie Portman’s thighs. Here’s an eyeful of that but don’t look too long or your eyes will get steamed up.
It’s a little anti-climatic, (get it?—nope, not if it’s anti-climatic), but here’s a Kunis wallpaper and there’s more to come in my drawers.
Then, just when you thought it was over, there’s some of my Winona…
…who wasn’t so hot in the movie as she was drunk but then there’s a certain charm in that as well, am i right? If you’d like to Ryder, there’s single shots of her filling my drawers.
For those of you more into Peacocks than Swans, here’s some Vincent Cassel action.
Here’s a bonus shot that will serve as a nice entrée for the Drink part of my show…
Drink: 2 ½ Shots
Black Swan was a little weak on the booze, but then i get that the focus of the film wasn’t alcohol and, if you look at it from that perspective then there was a goodly amount of drink and drinking.
‘Cause like Winona’s character, Beth Macintyre, is an alcoholic and they have her drinking a lot. Like almost all the time. While i’m on Winona, she did such a good job acting drunk in the movie that she came away with the Alkie for Best Drunk Actress in the 2011 bArCADEMY AwkWARDS.
Here’s the rest of the blow by blow:
- Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel) makes a toast to Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) with champagne
- Lily (Mila Kunis) takes Nina out for a drink
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
Sure, there wasn’t a lot of rock and roll music in the movie, but i’m here to tell you this movie was wall to the balls to the wall Rock and Roll in its own personal way.
Boring Technical Crap
Screenplay: Mark Heyman, Andrés Heinz, John McLaughlin
Story: Andrés Heinz
Directed by: Darren Aronofsky
Natalie Portman … Nina Sayers
Mila Kunis … Lily
Winona Ryder … Beth Macintyre
Barbara Hershey … Erica Sayers
Vincent Cassel … Thomas Leroy
See it. Just shut up at do it. What are you still doing here? Oh, the drawer shots, right. OK, but see it right after the drawer shots and no dilly dallying mister.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Natalie Portman (30)
Mila Kunis (28)
Winona Ryder (39)
Or, if you’re looking more for A&T (Alcoholism and Treatment) than T&A: