Thanks for Patronizing Me
Yesterday’s blogs overflowethed so hard that i had no choice but to split it up into bitty bite sized shots. So after yesterday’s Commoner Dregs, i’m proud and a little embarrassed to present this week’s
You know who’s cool? Of course you don’t, that’s why you come here so i can tell you and i’m telling you right now that it’s Denzel Washington. He’s cool because he went to a bar with some of his peeps and he didn’t drink a drop. Still, out to give t-totalers a good name, he spent 5 grand buying his peeps shit like
Plus, you know where he got all that change to be so generous? That’s the prize money you end up with when you’re sober, Barmaids and Beerhounds.
On the other hand, the only thing P Diddy is making a good impression on is his fake leather bean bag chair. The official alcoholic for Ciroc vodka got pissed when some guy named Kevin Burns burned his butt for drinking Grey Goose, which is who pays Kevin Burns to get drunk anyway. Things got so tense at the BET Awards that another person called “T. I.” (“What would you like to name your son Mr & Mrs I?” “Uhm…T. Yeah, that’s it: T.”) had to separate them.
Sara Leal is heartbroken. If only she’d known Ashton was married! C’mon, it’s not like it was common knowledge or anything. If she’d ever learned how to read at a sufficient level for People, she wouldn’t have to go around getting all this money for talking about her slutty self. Or maybe she’s a drunken party slut fame whore. Who’s drunk.
She can find comfort in the knowledge that she won’t have to go through her tabloid pregnancy alone, though.
You already knew Shia Leboeuf was an alcoholic like me because i already told you that shit right here, except he’s not totally like me because he doesn’t own it like i do. Also he’s not like me because i was never the kind of angry ass drunk he is ’cause he was in a bar and got thrown out for getting rowdy in someone’s face. Then outside, he got in a fight if “getting in a fight” means that someone who hasn’t shaved his beer belly knocks you to the ground and repeatedly punches you in your face.
You know how else i know Shia has problems? The dude he got beat up by is Canadian.
Apparently Michael Lohan got out of jail last week or something and i think it’d save everyone a lot of time and paperwork and mugshot film if they just kept him locked up because that’s where he wants to be anyway. Why else would the first thing he does when he gets out of jail be to call the woman he beat up to get into jail the first time?
He was apparently drunk dialing her so the cops though he was a threat and rolled up to his place so he did the drunk thing and jumped off a third floor balcony. Then he tried to hide in a bunch of trees.
i just wish i could be as funny as this guy is.
In the year 2525, there’s going to be the reunion film of Hannah Montana, and that’s not a threat that’s a promise.
In one scene, Oliver Oken (Mitchel Musso) is going to be lying in bed with Hannah’s brother, Jackson, inserting vodka bottles into places that can’t swallow. Then Oliver / Mitchel’s gonna break down in tears and sob about how one night when he was driving home, traffic cops smelled booze on his breath and had him do a field sobriety test, which he bombed as bad he he already was. Then he was stupider than Redneck Furry Todd in yesterday’s Dregs because he accepted the breathalyzer which showed he was well over 0.08%. Plus, he was underage because he was only 20.
“It’s behind you now,” Jackson says, caressing Mitchel’s behind now.
“Yes,” Mitchel answers, continuing to cry, “that’s the problem! I was hoping to go to prison and get broken in right as some big mother’s bottom bitch.”
The real tragedy is, that’s a true story. At least the DUI part.
The good news is that in 2006-2007 Musso had the good sense to choose co-star Emily Osment as his beard so i’m allowed to do an exposé of her and not him.
i got some Emily shots stuffed in my drawers. All you gotta do to see ’em is scroll all the way down.
i’ve been talking enough today. Let’s get it straight from the horse’s…young lady’s mouth.
Every time I run into her [Miranda Lambert], usually I’m intoxicated and I’m slurring, ‘We need to sing a song!’ at her. She says she wants to do it, but every time she has an album coming out, I do too, so we’re both too busy. Or she’s sidestepping me.
Kelly, if she’s avoiding you, you can always come to the Bar None and hang out with us. This is what that would look like.
There are some Kelly Clarkson shots filling my drawers down there.
Miscellaneous Stars Who Partied Drunk
i got a couple more shots of that deep in my drawers down below.
Emily Osment (19)
Kelly Clarkson (29)
Micaela Schaefer (28)
Sara Leal (23)
WARNING! Final Shot is NSFW!