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From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Arcade Fire – Abraham’s Daughter

[Press 'Play' for an ass kicking song from a strangely kick ass soundtrack]

Remember how you’re so jealous of me because i live in Yeaman where nothing happens first except we get Hunger Games a full 2 days before the States. Don’t believe i have bragging rights? Here’s a screen cap from the movie a full 2 days early.

Ramblings: Hunger Pains

[Disclaimer: all the shots of the movie are my own personal screen caps that i took off my cell phone. They're not supposed to be good, just to give you an idea of what i saw and to prove i actually did see this beast.]

Final Proof: 3 shots

You know how you get drunk with your aunt? She’s not all that hip even if all your friends like her and she drinks all these freaky cocktails that taste more different than good though the feeling is still the same as the booze settles in the back of your legs while you sit on her old sofa in her wood paneled den with sunshine highlighting the dust suspended in the glare while she laughs at her own jokes and makes you feel at home even if it’s not your home and her clothes look like curtains and her furniture is covered with plastic but despite all the space oddities you find yourself surprised to find you’re having a good time and that it’s easier to enjoy her company than you thought you would so you’re kind of looking forward to your next visit which is the way i feel about The Hunger Games.

Appetizer

i went into this movie completely blind. The books weren’t in heavy rotation here in Yeaman like in the States and you know me (and if you don’t, come closer and let me rub you the wrong way), i can’t read anything longer than condom instructions plus my friends are even more illegitimate than i am when it comes to big words so they couldn’t tell me anything about this, either. Short story long, i had absolutely no idea what to expect when i went into the movie theater with Mrs Demeanor last night and that was probably a good thing because i had no expectations other than to see pretty girls (apart from Mrs D).

Main Course

Some of the shit they force fed me sat wrong and here’s a list of what that was.

First off is the sets. The sets looked super cheap like you made them with your cousins out back of your aunt’s trailer after watching Running Man or Logan’s Run. The costumes were as cheap as the neighbor lady who installed her own stripper pole in her living room. It’s like the designer and wardrobe people were brought back in a seance from before when Star Wars told everybody movies could stop looking like a primary school Parents’ Day play.

The other thing i didn’t so much like was the story because it was more predictable than the odor of your puke when you get sick on Southern Comfort. You know what’s coming so bad you can smell it, is i guess what i’m saying.

But the rest was all good. Fortunately, most of the movie takes place in the forest meaning gross camp sites replace grossly camp sets so even if we don’t get cool futuristic city-scapes at least we don’t get eye sores either.

One of the other good things was Woody Harrelson. i know some people get wood over Woody but i can take him or leave him. He’s often killer good (Natural Born Killers, the TV show Cheers, Zombieland) but other times he shoots so far over the top he’s too far out (Ed TV). Fortunately he played Haymitch Abernathy with just the right amount of restraint and inebriation to be an asset.

Dessert

The cream of the crop in The Hunger Games were the actors. Thank god for them because they had to take a story line with more holes than a homeless lapdancer’s lacy underwear and hold it up and carry it and make it look good. Which they did. The kid actors even did a good job and i’m a real bastard because i judge kids by the same standards as adults and cannot find the cute when some marionette with dimples gives wooden readings.

i’ll even continue to compliment Isabelle Fuhrman who i already complimented the craft out of in my review of Orphan. “Continue to compliment Isabelle Fuhrman” despite the fact she ignored my Tweet last night after i saw the movie and gave her mad props (in under 140 words) but she only had blog love for some guy called Chuck Movie Guy who did the same thing, just after me. So she’s too famous to remember us poor little tender bartender bloggers but she’ll schmooze with the rich, the famous and those with more followers than me. Hell, i’m not hurt for me, but she’s saying y’all aren’t important enough to get some respect is all. Thank god she’s still a fantastic actress and the only complaint i have about her performance in The Hunger Games is that there wasn’t enough of her in it. She was wildly under-used, s’what i’m saying.

Speaking of under-things, there were quite a few under-aged actors in this bad boy and they’re not allowed into the raunchier part of this blog so i’m going to give them their props here.

Here’s the pretty talented Isabelle Fuhrman (15), who was Clove in the movie.

There was also the very promising Willow Shields (11) as Primrose Everdeen.

Another amazing performance was turned in by 13-year-old Amandla Stenberg, as Rue.

Not to mention the amazing actress, model and…stunt moppet(!?) Kalia Prescott (Tribute Girl District 3) weighing in at 14.

Tip

See the movie. i hadn’t read the books and expected to be insulted by a film for adolescents and got caught up in the capable acting and found myself being rather entertained. i’m betting you’ll leave The Hunger Games sated, not fed up.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

This movie was aimed at teens so you get the same amount of sex here as you would at a basement party at a kids’ house during the day when his parents are home but you can close the door. Basically, The Hunger Games has all the sexual energy of Truth or Dare if everyone chooses “truth”.

You already know there was the very attractive Jennifer Lawrence (21) who was born that way so stop congratulating her on her looks and start congratulating her on her acting skills as the heroine Katniss Everdeen. Because she’s good at that too, so good she can even act shorter than her co-star and “love interest” Josh Hutcherson / Peeta Mellark. Check this picture out over there and you’ll see how tough that’s gotta be (Hutcherson is the one on the right.)

Which is not to say we shouldn’t appreciate her great asset… In fact, let’s get on that right away, shall we?

There’s more shots of her if you scroll way down to my drawers at the bottom of the post. That’s where i stick the single shots.

Then there was this trippy looking character called Effie Trinket and she was the only kitsch one i could really stand. They had other people like Stanley Tucci as some cat called Caesar Flickerman and he played the part really well but the guy just looked fucking stupid.

Elizabeth Banks’ “Effie” looked all right, though. That was a cute thing they did with her lips when they made them up to look small and puckered. The picture i stuck up over there is pretty much like everything else in this place: if you click it, you’ll make it bigger.

Speaking of, here’s a collage of the wonderful Elizabeth Banks (38).

There’s a special place in my drawers reserved for her as well, just keep scrolling down.

i’m famous in my own mind because when i was scouring the net for photos of Leven Rambin (21) who, in the role of Glimmer, had a part just as juicy as Isabelle Fuhrman, i kept coming across photos i’d already posted of her in my Booze Revooze of Gigantic. Here is the updated exposée of Leven Rambin that explains why i’ve got Rambin on my mind. No? Lord i was born a Rambin man? Nothing? Yeah, how much did you pay for this?

There are more pix of Leven Rambin around in my drawers down below.

Wrapping this section up there’s a woman i loved in that one western show called Deadwood. Like there was anything dead about that wood. Paula Malcomson (42) played a prostitute called Trixie and she was a little more lively there than Katniss’s spaced out mother in The Hunger Games. She acted the hell out of that role but she’s capable of acting the hell out of a lot cooler stuff.

There’ll be more drawer shots of this little lady as well. Scroll down, you don’t believe me.

Silken Butterflies

Kicking off the section of those marvelously talented actresses whose flitting appearances across the silver screen were entirely too brief is Raiko Bowman (who may or may not be 39) who plays Peeta’s mother.

Also qualifying as a silken butterfly is Karan Kendrick, who plays the trainer Atala. Hard as nails and soft as satin…

For those of you more into bows than quivers, here’s some Josh Hutcherson (19) who plays Peeta Mellark.

Playing Gale Hawthorne is Liam Hemsworth (22). He also plays Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend in real life. i wonder which is more fun?

Drink: 2 shots

There was actually more drinking than sex in The Hunger Game but i think that’s the message we’re trying to give our kids; that it’s better to drink or fight than it is be naked or do drugs. Anyway, i’m only giving the alcohol here two shots because i judge harder for booze than i do for boobs. Here’s the breakdown from my list…

• What looked like alcohol in crystal snifters [in the train]
• Woody Harrelson shows up drunk
• Good nom[ination] for Alkies
• Drinks whiskey out of labeless bottles
• [He drinks] Whiskey out of silver flask
• Wine at candidates dinner
• Lots of drinks during pregame preparations
• Lots of drinks at every meal
• Slurred Speeches: Woody Harrelson’s Haymitch Abernathy to Elizabeth Banks’ Effie Trinket

Loosen your corset and have a drink.

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

Got something from the juiced-box for you.

[Press play to hear Taylor Swift do a decent job hooking up with The Civil Wars on "Safe and Sound"]

Tough call this, actually.

Looking at the action…yeah, it was fairly action-y. There wasn’t a lot of downtime and in the forest there was always something going on so i think The Hunger Games earned its three shots. Sure the action was pretty predictable and not very imaginative for place that exists far enough in the future that you can invent whatever monsters you want but oh well.

What caught me off guard was the music. i’d live to say it was all hard core rock and roll but that’d be lying. The songs from the movie (not the OST, but an album of real songs that were in the movie; it’s called The Hunger Games: Songs from District 12 and Beyond) are mostly folk-country which i liked a lot more than i thought i would. Go figure and look at how eclectic i’m gettin’.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Suzanne Collins (novel), Gary Ross, Suzanne Collins and Billy Ray (screenplay)

Directed by: Gary Ross

Starring

Jennifer Lawrence – Katniss Everdeen
Willow Shields – Primrose Everdeen
Elizabeth Banks – Effie Trinket
Paula Malcomson – Katniss’ Mother
Raiko Bowman – Peeta’s Mother
Leven Rambin – Glimmer
Isabelle Fuhrman – Clove
Kalia Prescott – Tribute Girl District 3
Karan Kendrick – Atala
Liam Hemsworth – Gale Hawthorne
Josh Hutcherson – Peeta Mellark
Woody Harrelson – Haymitch Abernathy

Bottom Line

Indulge yourself. Binge on the eye candy that is The Hunger Games; you can always feel guilty about it afterwards.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more text, just shots of the beautiful people that filled The Hunger Games.

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