Once again, the powers that Be (as in B-5…Hit!) decided it was better for everyone if we here in Yeaman got to see (as in C-3…Miss!) movie before (Hit!) they trusted the American audiences. Don’t believe me? Check it from my phone.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: AC/DC – Hard As A Rock
[Press 'Play' for Rock Hard]
Ramblings: More ‘Hit’ than ‘Miss’
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk and play bored games? At first you’re all like, “Nah, that’s lame. I don’t want to play a fucking game, let’s drink more,’ but then your cousin says you can do both so you figure what the hell, might as well, he paid for Taco Bell so you break out the Battleship and set up the board and the first half hour is like American beer: bland and weak, until you accidentally find yourself getting into it and you remember that Battleship isn’t too bad of a game really and you start actually having fun even after the end-game point where it’s obvious who’s going to win. No way you’re going to play the damn thing every day like you did when you were 12, but you leave his basement glad you gave it a shot.
i know you were wondering how in the hell they could make a movie out of a kids’ game and if you weren’t, i was wondering it enough for he both of us. i’m gonna be Frank (because anyone’s better than being me), for the whole first half hour i thought they blew it because each scene was drawn out an extra 3 minutes longer than it needed to be and i started thinking Sorry would have made a better movie than this sorry shit, until…when the excitement started, the movie got exciting.
If you wanna be late, this is the perfect movie to be late to. Go ahead and shotgun and extra Pabst or two in the parking lot before you go in because if you miss the first half hour you’re not missing anything.
This is not to say there was smooth sailing after the stormy seas. Rhianna is a lot of things like hot and a party girl and…well, OK, she’s two things but actress isn’t one of them. Brooklyn Decker out-acted Rhianna, s’what i’m saying. If i were y’all i’d try to get over to Yeaman as soon as possible to see this movie because they may cut some of her shit and there’s tons to cut from as she’s basically in every scene because apparently there’s a job in the Navy which is “Gun Bitch” meaning you shoot everything from canons to machine guns to torpedoes on the boat, off the boat, in the boat…
Speaking of tons to cut, there was one scene i won’t spoil for you here because to truly enjoy the extent of the absolute corniness you have to cringe to it without warning, but there was a heroic scene that was so ridiculous it had everyone in the theater rolling in the aisles. It’s so bad that if you see the movie and say to someone else, “You know that one scene…?” they’ll be all like, “Yeah, the one where________.” If the producers want to be nicer to you than to me, they’ll cut that shit out. Literally.
But wait, i told you i liked the movie and i really did. There was lots to like, swear to god. Like i already said, once the action started there was action and it was super helped by the special effects which were truly special even if i didn’t see this in 3D and occasionally got distracted by the effects special for 3D that looked stupid in 2D.
While cliches were the depth chargers that mined this movie, there were a couple things that helped helped buoy this Battleship and keep it off the rocks. Thing #1 was the American soldier giving up command of his boat to a Japanese guy with more experience. A surprise move because who expects this kind of shit to be realistic. Thing #2 was that even some good guys died. Sure, not the heroes, but some people on our team died and this always helps make a movie better than TV. My favorite thing, though, was Thing #3. There’s this one character with artificial limbs that looked too
good realistic to be CGI and turns out, sure enough, the actor is a physically handicapped veteran whose legs were blown off by a roadside bomb in Baghdad as he was coming back from a memorial service for two dead soldiers from his brigade. Hat’s off to Lieutenant Colonel Greg D. Gadson–Respect.
Those things helped make the movie worth the watch. Basically, Battleship was better than i expected it to be, but i expected it to be really really bad.
The “Battleship” Game in Battleship
Yes, there was a nod to the game “Battleship” in the movie Battleship. The above screenshot shows the set up of the board, and in one scene the good guys were unable to use their electronic telescopes to see the bad guys, so they had to use tsunami detecting buoys in the water to find the bad guys’ location. When a buoy moved, the captain would yell out the coordinates, “C-42″ for example, and Rhianna would fire there. Once, when missile attained its target, someone even yelled out, “It’s a hit!”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½ Shots
There were only two ladies in the movie, so the shot ratio got sunk before it even left the dock, but the two ladies where Hip Hop Pop Rock Roll Model Party Hard Bod Rhianna and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Goddess BrOOklyn Decker (and if you don’t know why i use “OO” in her name, you don’t know who BrOOklyn Decker is). i already mentioned i was surprised to find BrOOklyn Decker (25) acting circles around Rhianna, who i found a little flat and no, i don’t mean in the bikini department. ‘Course maybe that’s explained by the fact BrOOklyn is a method actress, whose method consists of running around in tight, low cut tops in slow motion.
There’ll be lots of shots of her filling my drawers, if you wanna scroll all the way down.
i already mentioned Rhianna (24) is a party girl but i’ll prove that later. i also already told you she can’t act but you’re gonna have to take my word for it until you see this on the big screen but what i am able to prove to you right here is that she is hot. Red hot.
i got more shots of her in the drawer, under BrOOklyn Decker, if you can believe that.
For those of you more into Hits than Mrs, there was a lot for you here.
Let’s start out with Alexander Skarsgård (35), who i already wrote up here for being drunk and flirting with men.
Here’s a sticky shot of Alexander Scotchguard.
Following his is an actor i can’t take seriously because he’s too fucking kitsch. Literally. His fucking name is Kitsch for god’s sake. Fortunately for Taylor Kitsch (31), he made Battleship before John Carter came out and he was even luckier that this one came out second so there’s a chance people will forget he tanked before he shipped out. Another little known fact about the ex-model is that he’s allergic to shirts.
Also, i’d like to have a drink to him for not using his good looks in this movie. He had to go the military haircut route and, while this may not be the best look for him, it helped me take him seriously as an actor. So did the fact i didn’t know he was a top-less model before i started looking for photos of him online.
To wrap this section up, Mrs D has a soft spot for our man Liam Neeson (59), so imma post a rerun shot of him. Here you go, babe!
Drink: ½ Shot
And i started out with such high hopes, too. The movie begins in a bar with big brother Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgård) toasting his little brother Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) because it’s the little Hopper’s birthday. They drink shots with Bud chasers until Samantha Shane (BrOOklyn Decker) comes in and asks for a chicken burrito.
See, that’s what i was talking about when i was talking about her method of acting.
The only other booze reference is displayed in the Decker / Kitsch shot heading off the sex section up there which shows the beautiful people rolling around on top of each other with wine bottles next to them.
While i’m in this section, though, let’s take a quick look at the cast shots i got of them in the Bar None.
There’s gallons more shots of Rhianna drinking hitting the very bottom of my drawers.
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
Yes, i will go all the way up to 4 shots on this one and let me tell you why.
First off there was the incidental music track which rocked the boat thanks to the presence of Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello, who worked on at least two of the tracks here.
Plus, there were a lot of songs in the movie that weren’t part of the traditional soundtrack. i scoured the net looking for them but i’m afraid my list is going to be the most complete until someone else has the time to read the credits. Anyway, there was
- The Black Keys – Your Touch
- AC/DC – Hard As A Rock
- AC/DC – Thunderstruck
- The Stone Temple Pilots- Interstate Love Song
- Sugabaes – Angels With Dirty Faces
- Creedence Clearwater Revival – Fortunate Son
- Dropkick Murphys – Hang ‘em High
- Billy “Get the fuck out, no i’m serious” Squier – Everybody Wants You
Which sounds like this.
[Press 'Play' for a blast from 1982.]
HELP ME! There was a very cool southern rock remake of “25 Lighters” (originally by Dj Dmd, Lil Keke and Fat Pat) and i can’t find it anywhere and i looked fucking hard. Anyone out there know what southern rock band remade “25 Lighters” ’cause it’ rocked.
Apart from that, there was also the action i already talked a lot about. So basically we got cool soundtrack, cool songs and cool action, all of which punch this up to 4 shots.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber
Directed by: Peter Berg
Brooklyn Decker – Samantha Shane
Rihanna – Raikes
Lieutenant Colonel Greg Gadson – Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales
Liam Neeson – Admiral Shane
Taylor Kitsch – Alex Hopper
Alexander Skarsgård – Stone Hopper
See it. Take a teen to see it and you’ll even enjoy it more. If you see it and don’t like it, tell me and i’ll play a game of “Battleship” with you and then you’ll realize this movie is better than a lot of shit in life.
Here’s some other articles Saint Pauly and me and The Rod wrote you could also check out.
The Rod’s review of Battleship
Saint Pauly’s Review of Green Lantern
Saint Pauly’s review of Battle Los Angeles
Saint Pauly’s Review of I Am Number 4
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here’s where i stop kidding around because, beyond this point, it’s all about the pictures which are worth way more than my pitty thousand words.