From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alex Clare – Too close
[Press 'Play' for traditional credit rolling music crap]
Ramblings: Taken For A Ride
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with your girlfriend’s mother? She’s not as fresh or sexy as your girlfriend but she’s still pretty hot and exciting even if she just sips wine spritzers while your girlfriend does tequila eye shots with vodka tampons stuffed up her ass and while her mother samples glasses in wine bars your girlfriend drinks Captain Morgan’s from the bottle in back alleys and gas station bathrooms and while her mother stops drinking after three drinks (only one if she’s driving) your girlfriend only stops when she can no longer lift her arm to her mouth. Their looks are the basically same though, and their laugh is the same and their jokes are the same it’s just that your girlfriend is edgier, darker and a little more sinister. Taken 2 is exactly like your girlfriend’s mother that way.
Everybody kept talking about how great Taken was until i saw it and i don’t know if it was back when i was still drinking or not, but it’s the kind of movie i feel like i watched one afternoon while drunk and still drinking or hungover and still puking.
Which has fuck all to do with Taken 2 so i should probably talk a little about that here. Lazy people are going to tell yo if you liked Taken you’ll like Taken 2 and just because people are lazy doesn’t mean they can’t be right, which they are in this case. Because basically the story is the same as the first one except here the mom and dad get kidnapped instead of the girl, and so the movie is basically the same, which is actually a good thing because sometimes you think you’re going to see a good action movie and it turns out to be The Expendables.
Everything was normal and just as it should be with the actors doing their acting and the director doing the directing and the Key Grip doing the…you get the idea. The music was in the right key and the locations were the right amount of exotic so the whole movie felt like a coloring book that was colored extremely well where all the the colors were what they were supposed to be and stayed within the lines.
But the thing that left me wanting wasn’t (just) Maggie Grace, it was that the movie didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. Sure, it’s a good thing and no, i’m not going to watch Irreversible or whatever the fuck that French movie with the 6 hour rape scene is just to feel sick, but Jesus, when you left Taken you were shaken. Leaving Taken 2 we’re not even the slightest bit stirred.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
i was pleasantly surprised to find Maggie Grace (29) in this. i guess she was the female lead in the first one as well but that was before she played the hottest Lost girl and i don’t remember her through my hangover buzz in Taken 1 like i already said plus in that one i thought she deserved to get kidnapped by white slave traders because she let herself get picked up by a hot foreign guy in the airport fresh off the plane and go back to his place and i was mad because i never meet girls who are that kind of stupid. Or that kind of hot, and here’s what i mean by that.
i got some more shots of her in my drawers, down below. Keep scrolling down until you get to the wet spot.
Also in Taken 2 is the gorgeous Famke Janssen (47) who is X-Woman Jean Grey whose secret power is that she never ages because she’s as sexy here as she was in any of the X-Men movies. Just how much of an X-Woman is Famke? This much…
There are drawer shots of Famke as well. Just click on the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of the post.
For those of you more interested in Taken From Behind than Taken Up Front, Liam Neeson (60) was in this and looking better than he has in a long time.
So why only two shots? Maggie Grace wears a bikini for the first half of the film but she’s always covering it up. If you come to this movie to see skin, you’ll be Taken a Bath rather than a cold shower. Here’s the blow-by-blow:
- Liam looking young
- Maggie Grace making out with BF Jaimie
- MG [Maggie Grace] in tight jeans
- MG in a “bikini”
There’s a real bikini shot of her from Lost in my drawers, down there…
Drink: ½ Shot
Surprisingly little booze for a film directed by a Frenchie… The only concession he makes to his homeland is that, during a barbecue, people drink wine instead of beer. Oh, and Famke pours Liam a glass of wine when she breaks the news to him that their daughter has a boyfriend.
Rock & Roll: 2 ½ Shots
The problem isn’t the amount of action in Taken 2, there was tons, it was just filmed really really badly. It was one of those movies where the fight scenes are jumpy like they were filmed by a crack addict with DTs and so you never get to see what’s happening. Directors do this when they know the fighting looks sucky so they figure if you can’t see it clearly, you’ll assume it was great. Yeah, that ain’t gonna happen.
Oh yeah, the other really annoying thing was how the bad guys chase Neeson through the streets for hours, shooting at him and missing, of course, but when they finally catch up to him, hey don’t have guns they have sticks. WTF, as my mo foe Saint Pauly would say.
As for the music…two of the technelectro songs were lifted from Drive, if that tells you anything, and the closest we get to what Beliebers call “rock” is the song i posted up top.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kamen
Directed by: Olivier Megaton
Maggie Grace – Kim
Famke Janssen – Lenore
Liam Neeson – Bryan Mills
i bet you’ll be Taken with it.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
It’s all over but the showin’. From here on out it’s just pictures of Grace and Famke.