Thanks for Patronizing Me
See the date in the poster? November 9? Now look at the date i posted this review: October 27. Looks like i got the Sky-drop on y’all, thanks to living in Yeaman.
To prove i was actually there, here are the screen shots i took on my phone as proof.
Yes, i do realize they’re not pretty, but then the truth rarely is.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Adele – Skyfall
[Press ‘Play’ for a waste of a beautiful voice]
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk at Hard Rock Cafes? They got them all over the place and you feel the need to get drunk at every fucking one of them just because they’re there and once you start the tradition you can’t stop yourself because you’re an OCD mother fucker and you’re not exactly sure what would happen if you broke the chain but it would be very very bad so whatever city you visit you find the Hard Rock and each one’s got different memorabilia but you get drunk on the same overpriced beer and the waitresses all have different name tags but the same laminated smiles and big hair and even if every Hard Rock has a different theme it’s still like the McDonalds of hip dining. The restaurants may be in different cities but each binge happens exactly the same from the gals you drink with to the stories you tell and the big finish in the bathroom where your guts explode as they convert bar-food into barf-food. Tell you what, those Hard Rock Cafes are a lot like the James Bond chain male.
What do you want me to say? Every Bond movie is a photocopy of Dr. No and with each successive remake, the story gets staler and the copy gets paler. They even tried introducing what intellectuals call a “theme” into this one but who wants to hear about the role of aging spies in the modern world? Seriously, i was yawning so much i almost didn’t see the card at the end that said James Bond would return which i promptly proceeded to interpret as a threat.
As for the film, the scenes were nice and the actors were good and the special effects were good enough you didn’t notice them but there was an alarming lack of action. The movie begins with a bang and a cool chase scene but then Sam Mendes gives up and just paints a pretty picture but do you know how much action there is in a portrait? None, just like Skyfall.
Does Skyfall really deserve 2½ stars? Yes, because for all the talent and money that got thrown into this movie, what comes out the other end is just recycled marketing shit that stinks.
Sex: 2 Shots
Like Bérénice Marlohe… This hot French chick and they got her more covered up than a fat guy’s bed in an arctic winter. There’s a sex scene with her and Bond-ing in the shower where her lovely assets (and the rest of her, too) are clouded over by an opaque shower door. Good thing you came here because i got the very goods.
There’s a lot of single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on the link that says “Read More”…
There’s also some sex innuendo (and where else would you put it?) between Eva (Naomie Harris) and Bond but there’s nothing up on the screen. Not like on your screens, anyway.
i also got a couple photos of her filling my drawers at the bottom of this post.
Coming (again and again) in as “Bond’s Lover” is the loverly 25-year-old Greek babe, Tonia Sotiropoulou.
Here’s some of that Bar None wallpaper action for you.
And there are even hotter pics of her poking out of my drawers down there…
For those of you who are more into Guyfalls than Thighfalls, Daniel Craig does not show his penis in this movie.
i got this whole funny series of Daniel Craig pics in my drawers that you should check out.
Fans of Javier Bardem (who acts better than his hair) will be…surprised. Already his blonde locks look nearly as bad as Claire’s wig in Season 6 of Lost (yes, it’s obscure, get over it) but the best scene in the whole movie shows Silva (Javier Bardem) flirting with James Bond who is tied to a chair.
As Silva is caressing Bond’s chest, he tells James something along the lines of “Your training hasn’t prepared you for this. You’re confused because it’s your first time,” to which James Bond retorts,
What makes you think it’s my first time?
Here’s Javier’s first time…
Drink: 3 Shots
There was such a vast quantity of drinks that i have to give it at least 3 stars, even if the drinking wasn’t key to the plot. On the downside was all the product placement for Macallans and Heineken.
That said, remember that one rumor i promulgated (like you know what it means, either) about how Bond was going to saddle up to the bar and request a Heineken rather than a martini? Yeah, that didn’t happen, although he did tap a Heinie or two like in that still of him with Tonia Sotiropoulou in the Silken Butterfly section above.
Here’s the blow by blow:
Run out of drink where you were?
M to Bond when he returns
A toast to the women we love.
Silva drinks to a bound and gagged Sévérine (Bérénice Marlohe)
Rock & Roll: 1 Shot
1 shot and it was all the opening scene. After that there was either no action at all or the kind of action you could get at home watching CSI: Miami. i was sorely disappointed in this, i gotta tell you.
There was some 50’s rock song blasted from the helicopter blasting Skyfall (the name of the Bond family estate) but IMDB doesn’t have it listed yet and i left the movies before the credits because my son was impatient.
Neal Purvis, Robert Wade & John Logan
Ian Fleming (characters)
Directed by: Sam Mendes
Judi Dench – M
Naomie Harris – Eve
Bérénice Marlohe – Sévérine
Tonia Sotiropoulou – Bond’s Lover
Daniel Craig – James Bond
Javier Bardem – Silva
Ralph Fiennes – Gareth Mallory
Swear to god, James Bond is a zombie because he just keeps coming back, will not die and his movies usually bite.
No more words, what follows is cheesecake for dessert. i start off with the guys and then hit the girls.
Daniel Craig (44) Does Not Know How To Button
Javier Bardem (43)
Naomie Harris (36)
Bérénice Marlohe (33)
Tonia Sotiropoulou (25)