From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: RZA – Ode to Django (The D is silent)
[Press 'Play' for "Two beers for two weary travelers"]
Final Proof: 4½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a video game? It gets so bad you don’t feel like you’re playing it but that you’re in it, deep in it, no longer a player but the real thing, absorbed and walking around someone else’s alternative reality. The violence is larger ‘n’ life is shorter and the blood is redder with the bad guys deader and there’s lots of action from beginning to end and if it won’t break at least you can bender. While you’re staggering through all the various levels releasing souls left and right and some of the levels may resemble each other but it’s still tons of fun with ultra violence so far gone it’s exciting and hilarious at the same time with the blaring music egging you on deeper into the story where each doorway opens onto a surprise more intense until you reach the Boss ending. Django Unchained is like that video game.
i told myself i was gonna give this movie ½-shot less than i gave Inglourious Basterds, but Inglourious Basterds should’ve been a 5-shot movie and you can tell i wrote that review in my drinking days because i didn’t give it all it was due. So ½-shot less than the 5 i should of given Inglourious Basterds makes this an even 4½.
Why ½-shot less? Because Django Unchained is the second shot from the same bottle of Inglourious Basterds. In IB we had the holocaust, in DU we have slavery. In IB we had Brad Pitt, in DU we have Leonardo DiCaprio. In IB we have Bowie as an anachronism, in DU it’s pre-civil war rap. The good news is, if you liked Inglourious Basterds, you’re going to like Django Unchained–and i fucking loved Inglorious Basterds.
The other little thing i didn’t feel so much was how the ending went long. It was like after closing time and you’re the bartender and that one lonely chick is babbling on and on and you’re too polite to walk out on her, but still you pay more attention to your watch than you do her. Tarantino could’ve ended this 10 minutes earlier’s all i’m sayin’.
Now for the easy part. What went right.
i like Tarantino a lot and i’ll tell you why it’s because he makes fun movies with talent. He’s Dostoevsky writing comics. Rodin with Silly Putty. A French chef preparing deep fried bacon. He takes tacky and makes it art, transforms kitsch into cool.
But he had help here, and the help i’m talking about are the cast because the actors here acted the shit out of everything. Christoph Waltz as Django’s mentor Dr. King Schultz was good, no doubt about it, but Waltz’s good in everything and here he only got to act in one language, not like Inglourious Basterds where he got to rock in 3 languages. It was fun seeing Don Johnson again and he’s looking pretty good and acting the part but the real acting was done by Jamie Foxx who was Django and he was Django for real. To be Django he had to be proud yet cool when he was in the shit and Foxx played both sides of that double edged dagger to perfection.
But you know who was also just as good was Samuel L Jackson who played Stephen the head slave. i didn’t even recognize him at first and the way Stephen came to life as this sassy boss slave who knew exactly how far he could push it before going too far, yet so loyal to the system that trapped him was inspiring. i don’t remember if Jackson got nominated for an Oscar for this role, but he sure should’ve ahead of Waltz, in my blog.
i’m not ignoring the women. Hell, you know me and if you don’t i’m the one who bought you that drink just before he threw up on your shoes that one time, i’m all about giving the women their credit. The only problem with that here is that there weren’t a whole lot of women in slave times. The ladies in this movie do the part justice, but don’t have very meaty characters to flesh out. A notable exception is Laura Cayouette who is Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, a proper southern lady. Cayoutte give us lots to smile about with her tongue in cheeky portrayal.
Tarantino has a gift and he’s giving it to us hard here, pushing it all the way home. He has a feeling for film that goes deeper than any other director and can reach places no one else can. You will laugh out loud, you will turn your head in disgust, you will lean on the edge of your seat and your eyes will be angry that they can’t look everywhere at the same time. Your muscles will clench your hands will sweat and you will hold your breath for two hours while your mad eyes burn from not blinking.
Some people are gonna wanna tell you this is too violent but that’s a load of horseshit because it’s true. This is Tarantino for fuck’s sake. Do people complain about the nudity in porn? The swearing in rap? The fat in Denny’s meat? Of course they do, but the fuckers that do need to be taken out back and shot because porn, Tarantino and Denny’s meat fulfill their higher purpose and answer the call with no hangups. “If you don’t like the shit, climb out of the outhouse,” my Grandpa used to say (or would’ve if he was as fucked up as me).
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
The funny thing is, i was sure there were a couple nude scenes in Django Unchained, but then when i look back at my notes (during movies i take notes like a teenager in sex ed) i can’t find any reference to nudity. And i’m the kinda guy that would reference that. So i brought this down from 3 Shots to 2.
Here’s the only shit i wrote down about the sex in Django Unchained:
- Underside of JF’s [Jamie Foxx's] balls as he hangs upside down.
Still, even if there’s a shortage of naked in Django, there’s no shortage of talent…or beauty.
My first piece of evidence is Kerry Washington, who plays Broomhilda just right.
As with most of the actresses i’ll exposé here, there’s some single shots of Kerry all the way down at the bottom if you scroll to the part where it says “Al K Hall’s Drawers”.
After that, there’s also Nichole Galicia, who is Sheba, Calvin Candie’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) bit of dark chocolate whose job is apparently to sit around the plantation, drink, and look like this.
Appearing as Candie’s sister, Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, is the lovely and gifted Laura Cayouette. Here’s some of her gifts.
And don’t forget Amber Tamblyn as the Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter. And when she looks like this, how could you?
Some of the actresses that were in Django Unchained far too briefly for my taste…
Zoë Bell, as “Tracker”, and how sad but cool was it that she wore a bandanna over her face the entire movie?
Louise Stratten was a Daughtrey Saloon Girl.
As was Shannon Hazlett, the other Daughtrey Saloon Girl.
Last but not at all least is the adorable Sharon Pierre-Louis who came as Little Jody.
For those of you more interested in Southern Beaus than Southern Belles, we have…
Leonardo DiCaprio…in the Bar None.
Here’s Mr Beau Django himself, Jamie Foxx.
There’s some shots of him at the top of my drawers down below.
Drink: 3 Shots
Booze played a big role in Django Unchained even if it didn’t play that important of one, which is a perfect 3 shot recipe.
Good morning, Innkeeper! Two beers for two weary travelers.
–Dr. King Shultz escorting Django into a saloon [and also the start to the song at the top of this post]
- Leo’s [Leonardo DiCaprio] lawyer orders sweet tea & bourbon at bar in house
- Champagne on ice in glass ice bucket
- Other Mandingo owner orders a tequila after his slave dies
- A tall beer for the winning slave Mandingo
Polynesian Pearl, and do not spare the rum.
–DiCaprio [Calvin Candie]
- Champagne and wine at lunch…
- White wine at Candie’s dinner
To Eskimo Joe, or shall we call him the Black Hercules.
- Brandy after dinner
- Stephen (Samuel L Jackson) drinks brandy while explaining the situation
Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots
And i woulda gone a full 5 shots if the ending hadn’t dragged on a little.
Besides, how have you not stolen / bought / copied / torrented / use netted the soundtrack to Django Unchained yet? It’s not rock and roll but it’s almost better. Tarantino has an incredible ear for this kind of shit because the soundtrack goes everywhere from spaghetti Western guitar shit (Ennio Morricone) to 70′s shit (Jim Croce “I Got A Name” and Richie Havens “Freedom”, unfortunately not on the soundtrack album) to some kickass rap, like the song i put at the top and this one i’mma include right here.
Rick Ross (written by Jamie Foxx) – 100 Black Coffins
Add to this cool ass music the Tarantino action that redefines action the same way God redefined earth when he invented it, and you see why i gave this some bitch so much respect.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Quentin Tarantino
Kerry Washington – Broomhilda
Nichole Galicia – Sheba
Laura Cayouette – Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
Amber Tamblyn – Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter
Zoë Bell – Tracker
Louise Stratten – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Shannon Hazlett – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Sharon Pierre-Louis – Little Jody
Jamie Foxx – Django
Christoph Waltz – Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio – Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson – Stephen
Don Johnson – Big Daddy
See it. This is that “Holy Shit” moment you been waiting on for awhile now.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
That’s it for the words. For those of you who continue, there’s nothing but the pictures.
i always start off with the guys so the ladies can bail before i exposé the actresses.
Kerry Washington / Broomhilda
Nichole Galicia / Sheba
Laura Cayouette / Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
Amber Tamblyn / Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter
Zoë Bell / Tracker
Sharon Pierre-Louis / Little Jody