Thanks for Patronizing Me
Earlier in February, the world stopped – gobsmacked – for the well documented “meteorite” that flew through the skies of Russia, broke a few windows, scared the shit out of some Ruskies going about their business selling Vodka, and exploded itself all over the place. Scientists scrambled to explain the phenomena, citizens feared some kind of war had begun, and the Government came out and reassured everyone that it was an aberration. Of course, NASA and all the other space agencies and rocket scientists are still scanning the sky to determine when – not if – the next big chunk of space debris is going to collect our planet and scatter our existence into oblivion; what they didn’t realize, however, was that the Russian Meteor Event wasn’t exactly all it seemed to be at first glance. Yes, it was spectacular, and yes, people were injured by exploding glass and vodka bottles, but the reason behind this meteor is elegantly simple, and I’m just as surprised as you that nobody else has figured it out yet. Want to know what it was, really?
It was actually Optimus Prime arriving to save our world.
Now that we’re all saved from world destruction, we can breathe easier and return to the safety of the Bar None for a pint or two.
In other news, here’s some stuff that took my fancy in the last little while. Not quite dregs, but still amusing and annoying.
How on Earth a basketball cheerleader ever amounts to much is beyond my comprehension. I’ve struggled with my own desires to dress up in sexually provocative outfits and parade around a stadium full of beer-ed up lunatics, waving pom-pom’s about like they’re titties and stuff, hoping to work my magic for The Team to win, but alas, my hips don’t lie. I’m just shit at cheerleading. I don’t look bad in a skirt, though. Ahem. The other day, some raven-haired hottie cheerleader did what most of us beer-hounds can only dream of: she put somebody’s ball through a ring. Sounds painful, and I admit it’s not as classy a metaphor as Al might come up with, but it’s a true story: Ashlee Arnau managed to front flip a ball into a basketball hoop from the half-way line (I’m afraid I don’t know much about basketball except that it’s something the Harlem Globetrotters play) to the screams of those watching. Screams of delight? It does sound like it, but then if you watch this video a bit, and check out the reaction from some of the crowd, you’d be forgiven for thinking young Ashlee had just told everyone she was having gender reassignment surgery. Watch the “amazing” video and have a bit of a laff.
Apparently, the Pope resigned. The world stopped to notice for about a day, and then went back to wondering who might win the Oscar this year. The Pope is the leader of Catholicism across the world which makes him enemy number one to most children, and his 8 year tenure has been marked by…. well, only a bunch of charges laid against the church for the priests tackling the toddlers with their tackle. Good old Benedict, he just ignored it and hoped it would go away. Unfortunately for him, civilisation requires more Earthly penitence than a quick “God will sort it out” statement. So good bye, Benedict, and good luck. Don’t let the holy water hit you on the way out.
An Old Mole Can Go Fuck Herself
Joan Rivers should just do everyone a favor and die already. Not sure how long she’s been alive (anybody seen Izma from The Emperor’s New Groove? They could pass as sisters!) but surely her time has passed. I’ve never been a big Rivers fan (although her work in Spaceballs was okay) but recently she’s started dragging the chain through the mucky muck and making herself look worse – professionally – than she ever has before. Her two recent transgressions include once again poking the Nazi history by comparing Heidi Klum’s Oscar appearance thusly: “the last time I saw a German looking that hot they were pushing Jews into ovens”. Classy, Joan. Secondly, a recent appearance on David Letterman’s Late Show saw her criticize the appearance of Skyfall warbler Adele, indicating she felt the singer was overweight and had an eating problem. Now, I’m not going to go on about this fucking hag any more than I have to, but her time has come. Instead, I’m going to let Aussie comedian (and host of UK talk show The Last Leg) Adam Hills have the last word on Joan Rivers and her bitter, twisted old rag-hag mentality, with this clip sourced from You Tube. Enjoy the burn, Rivers, you fucking cow.
Now, to round things out today, here’s a picture of a kitten. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. You need an excuse to look at a fuzzy wuzzy kitty?