Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.
Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.
As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the
Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012
1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better
2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am
3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink
4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk
5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking
6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk
7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume
8. I Resolve Not To Go Native
9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around
10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed
BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:
From the juiced-box and Mel Gibson’s heart: Evanescence – Forgive Me
[Press 'Play' to hear Amy Lee make the same demands as Mel Gibson, only better]
You know me (and if you don’t there’s a cure for that), i’m all about the RDJr. A talented actor who hit the kind of bottoms that kill most people, he went into recovery and came back shining like a beacon to souls lost at sea, without losing any of the edge that makes him one of the best actors of his generation. A person who can serve as an example in both their personal and professional lives is like a Gucci life saver: priceless and feels good to have around you.
This Guy's Ready For Anything
The short version of this is that if Downey asked me to chew off my own balls with Amy Winehouse’s rotting teeth, i’d ask if he wanted me to start with the right or the left love bulb.
Which makes it very tough and more than a little hypocritical of me to say i won’t forgive Mel Gibson.
Especially hypocritical because in my Al K Hall Anonymous blog i’m all about the compassion: self compassion, compassion for others, a round of compassion on me for everyone all the way around.
Why am i holding out on some compassion for Mel, you so rightly ask?
Is it because he’s displayed anti-Semitic behavior more than once, and my children are Jewish? Is it because he’s beaten his wife, driven drunk, and demonstrated prejudice towards black people? What about threatening to burn down his children’s home while they slept inside it?
No. i, myself, know too well the gut shot burn of shame inflicted by going off half cocked. i have executed far too many wrongs to say someone else isn’t right, committed too many sins to be holier than thou, behaved far too criminally against others to judge anyone.
No. The thing i can’t look past is his future.
i don’t see him taking any steps to ensure these errors don’t happen again. i hit some ugly bottoms myself and i continue to make mistakes in my sobriety, but i’m in recovery and actively working a 12-step program daily. Mel Gibson goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings drunk.
What i need to see from Mel Gibson is less contrition and more contribution. More action and less acting.
i’ll honor Robert Downey Jr’s request and forgive Mel Gibson when Mel Gibson starts acting more like Robert Downey Jr.
Until then, i forgive Robert Downey Jr for asking me to forgive Mel Gibson.
Before we get to the goodies, here’s the goods. Straight up from the juiced-box, a brother who has lived there, died from it, then went back to live there again. The man, Warren Zevon. His message? My shit’s fucked up.
[Press 'Play' for some fucked up shit. You'll come for the lyrics, but the guitar part will make you come.]
As you all may or may not care, Miss Demeanor and i are leaving on our annual Sabbatical to Camp David Hasselhoff. The Rod has kindly offered to look after the place in our absence, so here’s to The Rod. Three Beers for The Rod! This also means that i will not be able to respond to comments with my usual rudeless efficiency. Please feel free to look around the site while you wait the 3 weeks it’ll take me to get back and get back to you.
Also, i don’t know if i mentioned it or not but Miss Demeanor will officially become Mrs Demeanor on 09/09, as that’s when i’m making a dishonest woman from her. And there was much rejoicing.
Here’s some more shots of what it will look like when Miss D and i fly away tomorrow.
Also in the news, i would officially like to thank Dana, Shankaripriya, and Mdgnh who are my three latest subscribers. Thank you for your confidence. i hope i can live down my reputation and up to your expectations. And thank you for patronizing me. If anyone else out there wants to have their name read by 3000 people a day, all you have to do is click the Subscribe button up top over there.
Speaking of readership, an important milestone just swooshed right past me and i didn’t even notice. Normally i’d blame my drunk blogging, but you know how that is. Anyway, some time about two weeks ago, i surpassed one million readers served. For proof all you have to do is look at the top of the column over there. Allow me to grovel a bit and to thank each of you who slid into the Bar None for whatever reason, be it the sexy shots of women, my delectable sense of humor, or the sexy shots women who am i kidding? Whatever the reason, you are all equally important in my eyes (especially Miss D, Wayne, The Rod, ITSB, Bats and Paulo the Lurker). Thanks, as always, for patronizing me.
Also, i just know that Saint Pauly kid would get all up in my shit if i didn’t point out that he posted another one of his funny movie thingies over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).
With that, i leave you to your own devices. Do with them what you will, where you will.
Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds,
Amy Jade Winehouse: 14 September, 1983 - July 23, 2011
Directly from the juiced-box and dedicated to Amy Winehouse
[Press 'Play' for a bit of truth]
i’m not a hypocrite. i’m not going to spew forth glorious praise and sentimental platitudes about how Amy Winehouse was a great woman. She was not a great woman. She was an incredibly gifted singer, but the talent that came naturally to her in art deserted her when it came to living.
It’s true you haven’t heard much from me lately about the Bar None’s Bar Nun and much of that’s because In The Same Boat talked about how he ran into her at a party (because he’s all the time hobbing his knob with the upper crusties) and she was a real prima donna bitch.
You know me (and if you don’t you oughta get your shots while they last), i’m a really super forgiving guy and i can overlook every kind of default like being a hot fire crotch who loves to party. But one thing that straightens my bender are people who think they’re better than me. Just because she starred in a Love Bug remake and was arrested for covering Stevie Nicks’ Edge of Seventeen doesn’t make her shit any hotter than mine.
[Oops, my bad, i just found out the crime she was arrested for had to do with drinking and drugs. Still, have you heard her "Edge of Seventeen"? You came to the right place, i put it at the end of this bad boy. To get your whistle all wet, here's her singing an "original", "I Wanna Be Bad".]
[Press 'Play' to hear Lindsay get her wish]
On June 29, 2011 Lindsay Lohan was able to go home after being released from her…home. Your chance to go to her place and tell her that her home cooking tastes like prison food is officially over. Too bad you didn’t do that on June 13, when the Bar Nun had a party and got her petite wrist slapped for having a Girl’s Prison Party, which, ironically, is also my favorite movie of 1974.
Lindsay and the Lo-Los
So Close to a Moment It's Criminal
Yet the powers that bleed (and if you know what that means, please explain it in a comment below because i’m as lost as virginity at a frat kegger in Cancun) did not want her to suffer the punishment of being grounded any longer. Another point in 190 proof is that she set off her alcohol alarms all over the place with her ankle jewelry ballin’ chain and the judge tried to throw the book at her but she was so damn squirmy that she wrangled out of that hold and ran for the freedom line.
So, let’s have a Lindsay Lohan is Free and Cheap Party. Here are the tunes…
…and i’ve got just the drink.
When You’re Rich Enough to Drink the Very Best…
drink it, and not this shit. Luxor, so tacky it’s named after a Vegas hotel, decided to add another bling to “bling bling” and came out with Bling Bling Bling Champagne.
Which looks something like this.
Is That Dirt?
Guess what. It’s not dirt. Look again…
No, it’s not dust… Once more.
Yes! 24 karat gold flakes you can drink, but don’t worry, it still tastes like shit. At least it’s overpriced, only $253 a pop. Emphasis on “Pop”.
Just when you thought you couldn’t find a kitscher way to brighten up the trailer.
Bar None Dregs
A drink to sobriety… Let’s hear it for Bats, my dear friend over at The She Chronicles, who just celebrated 2 years without a drink. Well, she had stuff to drink, it’s not like she went 2 years without any liquid whatsoever or else i’d have bumped this part up a little bit on the page. Still, 2 years without alcohol, 2 fucking years, is an incredible feat and i want to congratulate her for hanging in there and thank her for her support of me and the Bar None.
Next up, i just hit 6 months sober last Monday. i won’t babble on too much about this, i’d just like to say that AA has been an amazing experience and i’m grateful for all the support i’ve gotten in the rooms and from y’all here in this room. To congratulate myself, you may have noticed i changed the header from “Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker” to “The Bar None–High and Dry”. You know, because i’m dry and still acting like i’m high.
Wrapping this up is a little reminder that Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film) has just posted a new thingy about The Tranformers movie. The first one.
Here’s a song from the juiced-box to remind John Galliano: David Bowie – Fashion
[Press 'Play' for something always in Fashion]
He’s Named after the John because of His Potty Mouth
There’s this town in Europe called Paris where everybody who’s anybody wants to make a scene or be scene. Fashion Freak John Galliano is no exception so he decided the best way to get noticed was to get drunk at a Café (French for “cafe”) and hurl racial and anti-Semitic slurs at innocent by sitters who were egging him on with their faces.
G-Strung was drunk at a place called Le Perle and started going at a Jewish woman, telling her she had a “dirty Jewish face” and then insulted her her friend by calling him a “fucking Asian bastard”. (In his defense, Galliano did not use any anti-Semitic insults on the Asian guy.) After the couple reported this to the authorities, another person came out with a home movie of Galliano insulting them at the same cafe, back in December 2010.
Galliano’s trial for racism, which is apparently against the law in Paris, started on the 22nd of June and during the trial he came out with his self defense strategy: Blame it on the Booze. Instead of manning up—or at least queen-ing up—the grand designer said he could’t remember what he did or said and explained to the court that he had 3 addictions linked to being an overworked genius. 1) Alcohol, 2) valium, 3) sleeping pills.
i’m hoping this defense works because i’d love to see this case set a precedent. “Sorry, your honor, I sat on top of the tower and sniped 50 people because I was drunk. Won’t happen again, Scout’s honor.” They’re gonna call it Pleading Inebriatition. Here it is in a sentence: “Well judge, I know I was arrested for drunk driving and I had a BAC of 90% but you see, I was drunk at the time. So I plead Not Guilty by Reason of Innebriation.”
These are the Bar None’s artist’s hallucinations of Galliano:
Adolph Galliano
The Devil Wears Galliano
Galliano Gets A Tattoo
The Backlash Gets Hotter
"WTF did you just say?"
Nathalie Portman, world famous Jewish person who acts too, saw the video i linked up there and called Galliano out and a whole lot of other things a lot worse. That she’d made a big deal was a big deal because she’s just made a big deal with Dior, the company G draws clothes pictures for. So Dior told G to get the fuck out, which i totally get because Galliano is at worst a racist but at best a flaming prick asshole. An even better reason is that Nathalie Portman stayed with Dior and so could grace our computer screens with images like this.
Galliano Stinks
But who else? The Bar None favorite, Taylor Momsen (shhh, don’t tell Miss Demeanor i’m talking about her again) also hooked up with Galliano in the sense she did some posters to promote his perfume which is called Parlez-Moi d’Aryans Amour.
Taylor let me down a bit by not coming out against Galliano. Sure, the campaign was a while back and pro’lly no one thought she was intelligent enough to have an opinion, but i think she should of proved everyone stupid by coming out right away and saying something smart. Or at least something cool.
The Little Dictator and Taylor Mum-sen
[AlKHallism: There's some more shots of hot fashionards in my drawers right down there.]
All of this to make my sobriety more palatable for you, because here’s the…
Immoral of the Story
Man, the view is nice from up here on my pedestal but the height is making me a little sick. Rather than stomach sneezing on all you little people down there, i thought i’d share something from my past to show i’m not as high and mighty as i make myself out to be.
i understand that there’s a chance that Galliano isn’t a racist. He maybe said what he did to shake things up a bit. Don’t get me wrong, i’m not condoning idiocy (though i often play one at home) or excusing his behavior. Just because he did it for attention doesn’t mean it or he is ok. If your go-to rant for the crowd is based on hatred then you gotta got to a new go-to place.
While i don’t understand where this came from i do understand why this came up. i said some pretty ridiculous shit to stand out from the crowd back in the day and it was usually linked to the drink.
You pro’lly won’t believe this about me, but i have a dry sense of humor that can be caustic at times. No, really. Swear to god. When i’m sober i know where the line is, i walk right up to it and even piss over it sometimes, but i never cross it. When i’m drunk i fall over the line and stumble past it. It’s not that i don’t see the line, i just fucking forget there’s lines at all.
Another thing that’s hard to believe but this time for real, is that i’ve only been thrown out for life from one bar. It’s a Scottish Pub here in Yeaman and i was already totally shitfaced when i arrived. The bar was huge busy and i was single and drunk and there was this cute blonde barmaid tending to the barhounds. Wanting to stand out from the masses, i ordered my drinks and said something unusual.
i don’t remember what it was. This gap in my memory is probably a good thing because whatever i’d said freaked the barmaid out so much that she cried (if memory serves as well as she did) and the owner of the bar told the Irish guy who’d carried me in to take me out and never let me back in. I was banned for life.
Like i already said, i don’t remember what i said that night. So i can see how Galliano could forget his verbal diarrhea but this doesn’t mean his mouth shouldn’t get washed out with soap. i feel so guilty about whatever it was i said, i own up to it and accept responsibility for it. i was a dick and deserve to be beaten.
Alls i can do now is to try and be better sober than i was drunk. Which, thank god, is easy because i really hate doing shit that’s too hard.
What about y’all? Anyone say anything drunk they regretted when they were sober? Say it now in the Comments section and let it go, Barmaids and Beerhounds. Let it go.
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly has graced us all with another WTF!? (Watch The Film) movie review. This time it’s of Push. It’s worth a look and is pro’lly funny if you’re a little drunk.
Here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated to Estella Warren: Drive by Truckers – Women Without Whiskey
[Press 'Play' for Trailer Park Rock]
Warren Peace
My first thought when i heard that Estella Warren was arrested for drunk driving was, “Who the hell is Estella Warren?” Closely followed by my second thought, which was, “i hope she’s hot.” Judging from the above collage, i think you’ll agree that i had happy pants upon learning she is an actress/model, or, as we call them here in the Bar None, Role Model.
[If you want to see her acting assets, you can check out my Facebook page...and why not Friend me while you're there?]
Estella Warren "Mug Shot"
So, the international star of Jack the Kangaroo —and how the Oscars could miss her doing that to a Kangaroo, i’ll never know—hit three cars driving home the other night. The neighbors heard the racket and chased her down until she got out of her car and screamed that they were all trying to steal her shit. Someone called the cops and she started bitch slapping one guy to pass the time until the cops arrived.
Too drunk to study, she failed her sobriety test and started kicking one of the officers to punish him for putting handcuffs on her. The cop failed his field arrest test, though, because back at the hoosegow Warren Remembrance slipped like a nipple from her confinement and ran away. But not too far because she got caught like and STD and arrested again.
For her second DUI (the first was 2007), the lucky wench got four Miss Demeanors while i still only have the one.
[AlKHallism: There's some more shots of her in my drawers right down there.]
Immoral of the Story
Man, the view is nice from up here on my pedestal but the height is making me a little sick. Rather than stomach sneezing on all you little people down there, i thought i’d share something from my past to show i’m not as high and mighty as i make myself out to be.
One of the reasons i started this blog was, i told myself a couple years ago, to talk about my drinking and make this a forum for drunks and drinkers, those who want to stop being either and those who love them. Well, this is me living up to that.
Hell, Estella, i'm no angel either.
i graduated from University back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and just after that i was so obsessed with this beautiful girl that i didn’t notice she had Dumbo ears. She led me on as only a pretty girl who realizes you can’t see her defaults knows how to do, and part of this back and forth was a back and forth because she lived in a University town 1 ½ hours from where i lived. i’d regularly drive up to her place to let her abuse me on weekends where she’d give me just enough to make me want some more but nothing of any consistency (which, thinking about it, is a lot like alcoholism).
We’d hang out in the sports bar where she waited tables and i was included in the inner crowd who would drink free beer with the owner after closing time, my cute addiction sitting on my lap but refusing to kiss me before i’d go back to her place where we’d snuggle on her sofa before she left me for the comfort of her double bed.
One winter’s night, i was in my home town getting drunk with friends watching my alma mater get trashed in a championship basketball game. Even more trashed than my team, i had a sudden craving for Honey Whine. i hopped in my car, hit the highway and began the long drive north.
Estalla Warren and Al K Hall Road Trip (Guess Who's Who)
Halfway into the trip (the car one), i fell asleep at the wheel and drove straight into a guardrail going about 60mph—for those of you who work on the metric system, this corresponds to “really fucking fast”. i remember waking up seconds before and seeing the grey metal rush at me.
i bounced off the windshield hard enough to crack it. The engine was still running until my trembling leg slipped off the accelerator. The next thing i remember is tying the hood down with my jean jacket somehow and driving to the nearest exit where there was an all night truck stop and i bought some bungee cords to lash down my hood.
i finished the drive but instead of going to Honey Whine’s, i drove to my best friend’s place (who attended the same school). Driving into his parking lot, i nearly drove into a ditch because i fell asleep again.
So yeah, i’m not perfecter than Warren, s’what i’m saying.
What about y’all? Anyone have any drunk driving stories you’d like to share? That’s what the Comments Section is for, you know.
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly has graced us all with another WTF!? (Watch The Film) movie review. This time it’s of The Fighter. It’s worth a look and is pro’lly funny if you’re a little drunk.
A special shout out to Ganjicu and Super8wentzville (you know who you are, ’cause i sure as hell don’t) for subscribing to this Diary-a of a Chronicle (Non) Drinker. Welcome to the Bar None, don’t be shy and thanks for patronizing me.
Before we got down to the dirty, let me drop this plate from the juiced-box on ya: Mark Lanegan – Morning Glory Wine
[Press 'Play' for the coolest thing you'll hear today]
A couple weeks ago, President Barack Obama took his show on the road and his first stop was Ireland. ‘Cause apparently his ancestors are Irish and now I finally understand why they say “Black Irish”.
You and i both know another reason he went there was for the beer and if you don’t know what i’m on about, shame on you because i was all over that shit ages ago. For example, how come you didn’t read about Why the Nobels Chose Obamawhich i wrote way back in October 2009?! And there’s no excuse for not reading the very recent Obama Beer Laden and, in fact, i’m kinda pissed off because you’re lack of reading it meant no one launched a fatwad on me and i was kinda looking forward to that.
Anyway, i’m thinking Obama wanted to start off his tour with a free beer. This is why it’s called a “round” trip: he’s on a trip and it’s always someone else’s round. Here’s the photographic evidence of that.
Obama is not a beerholic. Probably not. But this doesn’t mean we don’t exist.
People are always saying they’re gonna stop drinking the hard stuff and only partake of beer or wine like that isn’t alcohol. i’m beer to tell you, Barmaids and Beerhounds, it’s entirely possible and i’m nearly not living proof. Emphasis on Proof.
Wine was my drunk of choice for ages because it packed a 13% punch, cost about 3 bucks a bottle and 1 bottle was the perfect buzz. Two bottles was a good drunk and after 4 bottles was some of the best near death experiences i ever had if i could only remember them. Wine was easy to plan, ‘swhat i’m saying. Wine was faithful. i always knew where i stood with wine and that was right by her side.
Beer was different. i never liked the taste of beer and it always made me feel full and i had to drink a lot to get someplace else but that was also the upside, Chuck. Because i drank faster than a hole, liquor knocked me out quicker but beer helped me draw the night out and plus i got to piss like every ten minutes. Self-regulating, yo.
I'll Drink to That
All’s i’m sayin’ is i don’t believe the hype. Scientific studies (that i conducted in my living room watching TV) have proven the alcohol in beer and wine is the exact same alcohol in evil spirits.
If you’re gonna drink, may god be with you and not take you to the places i let the booze take me. If you choose not to drink: beer and wine count as alcohol, babes.
Bar None Dregs
In other news, i’ve been busy lately with writing projects and other blogs and going to AA meetings. Speaking of, i hit 5 months sober last Saturday. Also, thanks to Bats for stopping by to check in on me. i’m doing well, babe, ‘preciate your asking.
Linked to that [get it, linked to that? Don't worry, you will right now], i started a new blog for movie reviews called WTF!? (Watch the Film). i basically take notes while watching a movie and post the notes and try to be funny. i created another persona to head the blog—his name is Saint Pauly and we’ll pretend he’s someone else but anyone reading this far is a regular and i got no secrets from y’all. Please feel free to Visit WTF!? (Watch The Film) and especially please leave a comment while i try to get it off the ground. Thanks!
i forgot to mention a few weeks back that The Rod did me the great honor of posting some of my shit up over at Fernby Films even though i wrote it. It’s all about the Matrix Spillogy and is s’posed to be funny. Well, as funny as i get. Thanks, Rodney, for the place to show my goods. (That’s what Rhys Meyers said.)
Don’t let the shot above fool you or go ahead, i really can’t be bothered to give that much of a shit. What i mean is that this week’s (and i use the term “week” as loose as Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ scratch-and-sniff after a night at the YMCA sponsored Greco-Roman hot tub wrestling festival) dregs are settling more on the men than the women. But you know me—and if you don’t you’re not reading this ’cause you got raptured—i won’t settle for that so i spent gobs of time and gobs of effort to pretty this post up a little. Still, the theme of this week is firmly Junk Male.
Here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated a little to my Male Order Bride Jonathan Rhys Meyers and ever so especially to Matthew Perry: Sad Brad Smith – Help Yourself
[Press 'Play' for "I'ma Go To Rehab"]
Celebrity Dregs: They are so Takei
Way up inside my “Junk Male” issue is the notion of Femi-men, because most of the ‘guys’ licking the bottom of the barrel (ooh, there’s a euphemism for you) this week are of questionable heterosexuality. This is why i talked about “They are so Takei” in the mini headline just right up there.
You know how i know actor George Takei (aka Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu) is gay? ‘Cause he married a man.
Plus he keeps telling people about it all the time.
It seems that in some state in the USA they call Tennessee, it could soon be against the law to mention in schools that homosexuality exists. Ironic, considering i’m not even sure Tennessee exists but there you go. Anyway, this has become known as the “Don’t Say Gay” law there, so George Takei with all his interplanetary diplomacy skills has suggested we replace the word “Gay” with “Takei”. Don’t believe me? Check this shit out:
[Pressing 'Play' doesn't necessarily mean you're Takei.]
Everyone and their therapist knows that the Bar None maintains a very strict “No Haters” policy and, as such, homosexuals are super welcome. Hell, some of our best gays are friends. In keeping with this tradition, i plan to discuss homosexuality so much that everyone will say this issue of the dregs is gay. Really gay. Some people may even say this is the gayest Dregs ever.
I feel an ass kickin' coming on. Where's the nearest airport?
Starting things off, here’s Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who i would have homosexual sex with if he ever became a man. The only thing hard about this guy is his drinking, ‘s what i’m saying.
This is the man who was arrested in 2009 for getting drunk in a Paris airport and beating up the waiter who intervened when Meyers started a fight with the bartender who cut him off. Before that in 2007, he was arrested for public drunkenness in a Dublin airport. Dude, if you get busted for public drunkenness in France and Ireland (public drunkenness in Ireland is a crime!? Who knew!?), for fuck’s sake stay out of goddamn airports.
Footage from the Paris Bust
Guess what, his suppressed homosexuality reared its ugly head in an airport again a couple weeks ago when, while waiting for a flight in a JFK bar, he pounded vodkas like man-holes until he wasn’t allowed to get on the plane because he was already flying. He pitched a hissy fit so hard his proxy boyfriend girlfriend screeched, “It’s either the boobs or the booze, you choose.” He, or course, chose the beard [AlKHallism: Thanks to Miss D for the vocab lesson] because he’s not ready to come out to himself yet. To prove my point, he went into rehab to shut her up. Unfortunately, he has better luck staying in the closet than a clinic because he left after 10 days for “business” reasons which really means “I’m gay and it’s no one’s business.”
P.S. He has flunked rehab four times.
P.P.S. If you don’t believe he’s really Takei, you’re gonna wanna scroll down and look around my drawers, where i keep the visual proof.
Another dude trying to drown the Takei inside him clawing to get out is Rick Springfield, who sang in the 80′s (yes, he was that gay), “I wish that I was Jesse’s girl”. Or something. Springfield was so obviously Takei that all the little girls loved him because their little cloven hearts could get all mushy without fear of actually being penetrated.
Rick Springfield Mug Shot
He got busted for DUI is why i’m writing about him. On May Day (that’s how i know he’s gay), he was pulled over for a traffic violation in LA or some place with the same spelling and cops smelled booze on his breath. He bombed the field sobriety tests and blew (he was very good at blowing) 0.10 and 0.08 on the BAC which was enough for a free trip to the pokey. The non-gay kind.
You have got to listen to this: The Partridge Family – We Gotta Get Out Of This Place
Another teen idol who was Takei enough to collect crushes like pansies on a daisy chain is David Cassidy who had his own TV show with the hotter and much more masculine Susan Dey. “Dey” which rhymes with…Takei. Anyway, he got popped too, just like Rickie, for DUI. Only his was back in February (maybe he popped prematurely?) so he already got sentenced to community service because 1) he got judged by famous people law (which is very different from the law you and i have to obey) and 2) the judge was afraid Cassidy would enjoy being a prisoner too much for it to be counted as punishment.
He pleaded “No Contest” which is legal-speak for “I can’t think of good enough bullshit to fool a jury”. The punishment for this is writing “I was a naughty naughty boy” 500 times on a billboard or some other shit as equally tame.
My favorite part of this crime was looking up pictures of young 60′s idol Susan Dey, which i’ve included in the drawers, down below.
Another guy with a TV show is Ricardo Chavira who’s in Desperate Housewives as Carlos somebody and he got busted driving drunk and so what. So what is that in the TV show he plays Eva Longoria’s character’s husband which is close enough for me to do an exposée on Eva Longoria. Which looks something like this.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
As if that wasn’t enough, there are more shots of her in my drawers.
But back to Ricardo. Here’s the down and dirty (that’s what Jonathan Rhys Meyers said): Rick “The Dick” Springfield beat him to the punch. (Sorry, Rhys, it’s a euphemism.) ‘Cause, like Ricky, Ricardo 1) was nabbed in LA 2) for a traffic violation when 3) officers smelled booze on his breath and he 4) failed the field sobriety test. The only way Ricardo rolled the other way was in refusing blood and breath tests, which is actually the right decision if you’re wasted.
What i like most about this guy is that every fucking picture of him looks like a mug shot. Google his ass (and his face) all over the place, nearly every pap shot of him looks like it was taken during booking. Makes it super easy on the police and me too, because this mughsot i’m posting is not the real mug shot but is from some event that didn’ t include community showers.
Chandler Bing, who some people know by his real life name of Matthew Perry, is going back to rehab. He already went once in 1997 and once in 2001 for his problems with prescription pills (bo-ring) and booze (yay!!!!!!!!!!). The good news is, he didn’t relapse, he just thought it’d be a good idea to go back to treatment before the shit hit the fan. He preemptively moved his ass away from the fan, i’m saying. (Rhys, back your ass away from the fan this instant.) Here’s how he put it (that’s what Rhys said),
“I’m making plans to go away for a month to focus on my sobriety and to continue my life in recovery. Please enjoy making fun of me on the World Wide Web.”
Only problem is, i’m trying to make fun of him but i can’t think of anything funny to say. Bastard. i mean, what’s fun about a star who realized he had problems, sought help for them and is continuing to ensure he doesn’t relapse? How am i supposed to mock this!? Fucker. All i’ll say is that it’s a damn good thing no one else in the industry is as rational and down to earth as Perry otherwise i wouldn’t have anything to write about.
Bree Olson, AKA Charlie Sheen’s #winning #Goddess, drove her Lexus into a tree in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The cops on the scene had her blow and she blew it, 0.19% to be precise, which is more than double the 0.08% drunk you’re allowed to be when you drive. This was last February and since then the court told her she can have two days in June to defend herself.
Bree Olson and Charlie Sheen's Future
What the hell is her strategy gonna be? She blew 0.19! She might get away with pleading insanity after she proves she gave up porn to be one of Charlie Sheen’s #Goddess’s. Or maybe “Self Defense” if she can prove she was trying to kill herself before she hurt herself driving drunk. (It’s a blonde thing.) It’ll be easy as her pie to prove it wasn’t premeditated because she has no brain. (Sorry, Bree! Sometimes i let my rabid wit get away from me.)
Bree Olson Mug Shot
Maybe the drawer shots will make up for my slight slight. Scroll all the way down and let me know what you think.
Lula is as premature as they come. Joining the ranks of Miley Cyrus and Emma Roberts, say hello to 17-year-old Tallulah Belle Willis, daughter to some guys named Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. She was “cited” for underage drinking, which means she got a verbal tongue lashing, after she stumbled drunk out of a car in Hollywood (and so would i). She and her big hairy posse of 2 girls were carrying 2 bottles of hard alcohol so the cops took her in. Because she’s a minor, they had to call an adult to pick her up at the station. i would of loved for that to be Ashton Kutcher but, like i said, it had to be ab adult so Demi did it.
It’s not like this was the first time, either. Check out this picture:
This is Tallulah holding ice water. Only problem is she was drinking the water because she was drunk and smoking cigarettes. And 15 years old. At Scout Willis’s 18th birthday bash. Willis’s motto? Die Hard but Party Harder.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here is my evidence supporting the case that Jonathan Rhys Meyers is Takei.
Any questions?
Jonathan Rhys Meyers walking to the Bar None
Susan Dey
Eva Longoria
Eva Longoria in the Bar None (kinda)
Bree Olson
Bree Olson in the Bar None with Charlie Sheen
Bree Olson in the Bar None (look in the lower right corner, if you're eyes will go that low)
