[Before you get all up in my shit about how politically incorrect i am, please read the disclaimer at the end of this post.]
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Rihanna: Big Sean feat. Chris Brown – My Last
[Press 'Play' to hear Chris Brown sing, "And I'm a hit this drink up like it's my last, I'm a hit this night up like it's my last, I'm a hit this ass up, like it's my last"]
i didn’t tell y’all before because i’m telling you now.
i’m dating Rihanna.
Not right this second, but i’m dating her pretty soon and i can make this statement with a certain certitude because i’m convinced with a conviction as strong as Chris Brown’s that Rihanna’s got the necessary amount of stupid it takes to date me.
Don’t even try to tell me you don’t know what i’m talkin’ about, either. Haters be hatin’ and players be playin’ but don’t go doin’ neither on my ass, yo, ’cause you know damn well you saw the video where Chris Brown talks about how how hard it is to be in love with two ladies women at the same time and if you didn’t it’s at the top of this post.
The rumors have it that Rihanna is going to take Chris back and why the hell wouldn’t she?
Chris Brown on Rihanna: “I’d Hit That.”
i already told you like a month ago about how she’s got a drinking problem and hell, the first thing the ‘real’ Chris Brown says in that video is that he’s drunk and even in that fucking song he says first he’s gonna hit the bottle and then he’s gonna hit that ass.
So the mutual enabling for alcoholism is a giant thumbs up your ass and the codependency is all systems go to hell. Plus Chris Brown practiced not beating up a girl for one year and, to top it all off, Rihanna will chant the mantra of beaten and abused women across the country, “He’s changed, he said he’s sorry…”
You know what, though? Rihanna ain’t never gonna date my sorry ass and here’s why. i would never hit on her…
Just one thing before you go ballistic on me. i wrote this post out of anger that any woman would consider getting back together with the man who abused her. i have absolutely no sympathy for abusers, and while i understand the mechanics of this kind of relationship are complicated, they’re really not. Someone beats you, you leave and you don’t look back and you certainly don’t go fucking back to them so they can do it again.
For those of you who would say abusers can change, i’ll say “Good for them, they still deserve to be deserted as punishment for their heinous acts.”
For those of you who would point the finger at me and say maybe then i don’t deserve forgiveness for some of the asshole things i did while i was still a practicing alcoholic, i agree 100 fucking percent. If you’re one of the people i hurt through my drinking, i totally get that you would not want to forgive me and don’t blame you at all. If you are not one of these people, don’t judge me until you’ve puked a mile in my booze.
For those of you who would say that all this shit isn’t my business, i’ll stop posting this kind of commentary when Rihanna stops tweeting about her relationships and Chris Brown stops pretending to be real in the video messages he posts on fucking YouTube. Until that time, alls fair in drugs and whores.
OK, now you can go ballistic on me.
Bar None Dregs
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Oktoberfest Girls Kissing Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Time once again for that yearly event that is the closest the Germans will ever get to Christmas: Octoberfest. All the party hounds can now migrate Over the Wine and mark their territory there. They’ll trash Frankfurt, Hamburg and Cologne which, ironically enough, is also what will come up when they puke.
To celebrate the closing ceremony of this to Hell and Bacchanalia, i’m posting a quiz for you to determine if you are Octoberfest drunk or not.
The first question is, “Why are all the women in Octoberfest Wallpaper above kissing each other?”
Here’s a hint for you, brought to you by Buck Cherry.
The photographic answer to the question is coming, kind of, but until then here’s the rest of test to determine if you are just American Buzzed or Oktoberfest Bested.
What’s Wrong With the Pictures?
Before i give you the answers to that test, here’s the reason the Frauleins are kissing each other:
And now the answers to the Quiz:
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
i like Obama in the way i like Rihanna. Just the other day i made her the Bar Nun because she’s into the booze more than the drugs and with Obama it’s the same. Dude likes his drink.
How much does he like it? He likes it so much he invented his own beer because he bought a home brew kit, gave it to his kitchen staff and told them to come up with something cool. Hell, if you were the President, you could do that, too.
Just like he has a Honey Blonde all the fucking time. He has one whenever he wants. Wherever he wants. Like right there on the table. i bet his wife even watches sometimes.
Rihanna Dregs Collage Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Dregs wait for no time, not even summer time, and here’s a mess o’ proof of that right here. We got Rihanna partying harder than her body, Adele living larger than hers, and Kristen Stewart hanging looser than hers. There’s a drunk Bigfoot, how to get rich tips and the Sunny Iranians (or was it the Shite ones?) discover a cure for hangovers.
Rihanna will drink to that: Rihanna – Cheers (Drink To That)
[Press 'Play' to "Turn it around with another round"]
Ah, Montana, where the men are men and Bigfoot wasn’t dead…until last Tuesday. This guy, Randy (and aren’t we all after a few drinks), dressed up in a camouflage suit and ran around on the highway at night to start a Bigfoot sighting hoax. Unfortunately, Bigfoot is not as likeable as Randy may have thought because he was run over. Twice. First by a 15-year-old girl, then a 17-year-old girl.
While we could spend all night debating the possible merits of running around the freeway at night drunk and wearing camouflage, i suspect there was another reason Randy met his Makers Mark. You’ll notice both girls who ran over him were in their teens. Well, i’ve always raised my teenage daughter with the education that, when in the company of men, if she sees something she doesn’t recognize she should run it over–twice. Randy was running around erect and hairy, after all.
There were these two guys in Iran-so-far-away who kept getting drunk all the time so the religious government (God is my “vice” president) decided to step in and help eliminate those annoying hangovers once and for all by killing the drunkards. And it wasn’t easy. The first two times the govern-mentals tried whipping the alkies into shape but when that didn’t take, they decided to hang them dry. Talk about drinking yourself to death.
You know how all the world’s Australians are super nice and super helpful? Well, the world’s richest woman is no exception. Because she likes those of us here in the Bar None so much, she’s decided to share some of her get rich quick tips with us so we, too, can have more money than we know how to count.
There is no monopoly on becoming a millionaire. If you’re jealous of those with more money, don’t just sit there and complain. Do something to make more money yourself – spend less time drinking, or smoking and socializing and more time working.
Hmm. Wise words indeed. She tells us what not to do, but not exactly what to do. Unless you read between the lines because what’s she’s really saying is, “Let them eat cake.”
Adele Smoking in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You know how Adele is pregnant and you don’t care? Here’s something a little more up our collective alley (and i’ll stay out of yours if you stay out of mine), she’s an alkie wanna-be. Alcoholism: Many are chosen but few are called. While she may sing like an angel, she drinks like a fish, which makes me think her album 21 Proof was not written about some guy, but her heartbreaking love affair with the bottle. This explains the secret behind songs like “Someone Likes Booze”, “Get Higher In The Rain”, or “Our Rum Has It”.
Makes me wonder what she was really Rolling in the Deep.
Times change. People change. It is with great somnolence that i strip Lindsay Lohan of the Bad Habit of Bar Nun so that i can crown a new Patronizing Sainte.
Sure, Lindsay had a couple DUI’s but i think we all knew deep down that while she may have given her liver to booze, her heart belonged to coke. Which is why i’m glad to announce that Rihanna is now the Bar None’s Bar Nun.
Not only did Jay Z, a man who stabbed a rival in the stomach at a bar, tell her she should go to rehab for alcohol but every time she goes to a new territory she has to mark it getting shit faced in it.
Most recently she went to a London club called the Rose Club (who are still wishing they’d thought of the name “Bar None”), where she got drunk on champagne and cocktails, then jumped on the table, broke it, and started to get thrown out until her friends yelled at the bouncers that they were up chucking THE Rihanna.
The Bar Nun is infallible like the Pope, which got proved when the bouncers put her down and apologized and the bar owner sent free drinks—and a new table—over to the table.
She left at 4am. To go to another party. Respect.
Rihanna’s Bar None Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Tons more shots of Rihanna after the link that says “Continue reading” at the bottom of this post.
Just a reminder that i’m so removed from civilization i’m not even in the middle of nowhere but lost somewhere in the distant outskirts of nowhere. As such, i have no idea where team Yeaman stands in the Limp Hick standings but i’m hoping they got more gold than just the showers.
Also, i’ll be back in the land of the pee and home of the slaves shortly and will start posting more shit soon.
Until then, drinks are on me, so you’ll have to lick them off.
There She Goes, Pissed America… Rima Fakih Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Long time no dregs, so i’m back with a flash to look at some drunk ass shit going down in the world. Miss Drunk USA comes in both small and medium sizes, a drunk guy can’t get something off his chest, Amber Bynes is still drunk and has become Scout Willis’s rock ‘n’ roll model, plus Matthew Fox who played Jack on Lost still is.
Speaking of Jack, here’s Jack Johnson – Red Wine, Mistakes, Mythology
[Press 'Play' to 'take a piece of the sun and drink some']
A toast to my brother from another drunkard, In The Same Boat, who brought this little bit of tid to my attention.
i’m allergic to exercise. Serious. Every time i try it, i sweat profusely and my heart rate increases and my breathing becomes labored so now all i do is watch TV because nothing bad happens to me that way. i’m also allergic to booze. It makes me break out in stupid. Mixing these? Are you on bath salts and after a little face time?
Apparently Chris Bailey, who used to be 28, was. He drank with his landlord in England until 3am when the landlord went to bed, but when the landlord woke up he saw the front door open and the garage light on and found Chris couldn’t handle the pressure…of the weights he’d been drunk lifting. Chris had been working out in the early morning and was dead, crushed by the weights he was lifting trying to lift. Look on the bright side, Chris, at least you’ll be the burliest mother fucker in heaven. Maybe not in hell, though–they got lots and lots of burly fucks in hell– so let’s hope you’re going to heaven.
Here’s another reason, like you need one, not to lift weights.
Female Weightlifters’ Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Y’all remember Amanda Bynes from that one post where i told you about her so drunk driving that she crashed into a fucking police car? When she was so fucking drunk she refused every kind of test they could throw up at her? Of course you don’t remember because you were so into the photos that you forgot how to read but i’m here to remind you.
Guess what? She just went to fucking court drunk and i’m not even kidding because she pleaded innocent. After she hit a police car. And refused every drunk test that exists. The only logical explanation for her innocent plea is that she was so drunk her lawyer caught a contact buzz off her breath and oozed all the shit she wanted him to.
Go ahead and think i’m kidding because i know you and that’s what you’re thinking but how else do you explain her tweeting Obama himself to have her arresting deputy fired? If that’s not drunk tweeting i don’t know what is, and trust me, i know what is.
There seems to be a rash and not just the one that itches me late at night when it rains but one of minors getting arrested for underage drinking. For example “Boy” Scout Willis was popped like a cherry for underage drinking and identity theft because she had a fake ID (how much you wanna bet it was Michelle Rodriguez’s driver’s license she lost at some Tijuana strip club during a drunken lap dance for Rumer Willis?).
Scout Willis isn’t a Minor, Her Parents are Too Famous
Adding to that rash is minor starlettes pleading Not Guilty by Reason of Infamity, i.e. too almost famous to have a record for drinking crimes. i rest my case in point on my lap and will tell you that Scout “Jamboree” Willis pleaded innocent to her charges as well and told her Dad to Die Hard the court’s ass.
Here’s a Miss America i’m proud to have voted for. Rima Fakih (as in “Fakih, Fakih 10 dolla’) truly represents the intellectual cross section that is the U.S., especially how she gets pulled over drunk driving with an open bottle of French champagne and tries to get out of it by saying she’s Miss USA like it’s a real title and when that doesn’t work, she lies on Twitter about it by tweeting, “Wrong Rima Fakih” because the name ‘Rima Fakih’ is as common as … hmm, absolutely fuck all which is why i think she rocks and deserves to be Miss America. She reminds me a lot of some of the women i’ve dated in my life or at least dreamed of dating just like i dream of being with a Miss America so there you go, told you she was the right woman for the hand job.
Rima Fakih Drunk Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
BTW, for those of you who haven’t given up on this post yet (and god bless you for your courage), she was sentenced to 6 months probation and 20 hours community service which might have something to do with pole dancing, i’m not sure. It would go a long way to explaining the shots of her pole dancing i got stuffed in my drawers at the bottom of this post.
Not to be undone, Miss Teen Arizona 2010 (it was a very good year) decided to take it a step further by getting popped like a zit for DUI but this time, while only 18 years old. And just like that, the number one person in the world i wanna party with goes from Kirsten Dunst to Tori Vance.
Tori Vance Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
The cops pulled her over for puling an illegal u-ey and suspected she was drinking so they arrested her ass and the rest of her too but especially her ass and she hit just over 0.08% on the BAC which is the minimum to win a free trip to booking central.
There’s lots more drawer shots down there, Yo, after the “Continue reading…” link.
Does Matthew Fox have a drinking problem? He’s fucking married to a woman named “Margarita Raunch” (Margherita Ronch), people.
Matthew Fox, dashing good guy hero figure of TV’s Lost, continued his downward spiral by getting popped for a DUI recently and that’s not even the most interesting thing he’s ben in deep, deep, trouble for, because this is the guy who nearly went to the pokey for punching a vagina. Punching. A. Vagina. He hit below the belt after he had one, basically. Hey, i punched twats when i was drinking, and i even punched assholes, but i never ever punched a vadge, ask any of the cunts i know.
You know what it is and you don’t so i’ll tell you, it’s the Get Lost curse. Y’all are pro’lly too young to remember but way back in 2005 i talked about how Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros got bustedthe same freaking night for DUI. If you’re keeping score and you know i am, that makes three Losers Losties and here’s a toast to my being around Evangeline Lilly before she either gets busted with “the others” or Foxy punches her in her Evadgealina.
A Toast to Evangeline Lilly
So yeah, there are a lot more Foxy shots in my drawers with the rest of ‘em.
Bar None Dregs
Happy Father’s Day!
Father’s Day in the Bar None
That Saint Pauly kid posted another couple of his What The Fuck? Watch The Film reviews.
First up is Amber Heard’s abortion with John Carpenter, The Ward.
Then, just in time for Father’s Day, there’s Rebecca de Mornay’s Mother’s Day:
Jenna Jameson invents a whole new kind of Dirty Pole Dancing, James Bond gets rich drinking beer, and Kate Middleton, the already rich Princess of Tarts, would like to teach the world to drink. Then all kinda dregs are running round round baby in the Bar None dregs.
To kick things off, how ’bout something from the Juiced box and dedicated to Jenna Jameson: Airbourne – Cheap Wine & Cheaper Women.
[Press 'Play' for something like Jenna Jameson on a roller coaster...cheap thrills]
What do you call a Jubilee with no cherries? A Diamond Jubilee and they have them like every year in England. My favorite princess (well, after Clotilde Courau), Kate Middleton, invited everyone over to her palace to get them Royally drunk. i bet they served Crown Royal.
i crammed some shots of Kate into my drawers down there.
The news is out that 007% will now order a Heineken beer and not his dry martini in the next Bond movie that i’m not gonna name here because i’m against publicizing the shit that powers the powers that be.
At least it’s not cheap beer. Heineken paid the movie folk 45 million dollars for James to saddle up to the bar and order an “Icy Heinie, shaken then slurred. “
Of course all these Bond purists have their Miss Moneypanties in a wad because it’s not cricket, but i bet they wouldn’t have so many scruples if someone offered them $45,000,000 to drink a beer. Hell, i’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous for well over a year and i for sure could afford to fall off the wagon a little bit for 45 million. Anybody who tells you different doesn’t know what money is.
The category is: things porn stars do to poles. Award winning actress Jenna Jameson got to banging again last week except this time it was a telephone pole and that’s not even a euphemism. She hit the bottle and then the pole and she’s just wishing it was a strip pole. It doesn’t seem she rear ended it but she will no doubt be sore because she refused medical attention and went straight to the slam-her (yes, i did and i’ll do it again if i have to ).
She was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving because she smelled like the insides of Ron Jeremy’s Depends after he nurses his rum but she was in and out of the pokey faster than a premature incarceration. Anyway, i know y’all only read this for the wrecks, so here it is.
Jenna Jameson: After / Don’t Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper
Yeah, i got some extra shots of Jenna bulging out of my drawers down at the bottom of this mess.
You’re gonna need a pick-me-up track from the Juiced Box this time out. And for a genuine legendary pick-me-up, you can’t go past Bob Marley.
I know, I know, it’s been a while since I had anything to say here at The Bar None. Pull up a stool and I’ll ignore your whining. Normally, my kind words of comfort and sympathy to the lesser individuals amongst us wash against your tired, drunken brain like vomit swirling around the bottom of the toilet. I’ve left you all alone for a while now, safe in the warm, molesting hands of our favorite barkeep, young Al. But I’ve held my tongue too long, far too long against the oncoming tide since I last put finger to keyboard and delivered a rant like no other to those I see as betrayers of the human condition. Something’s been pissing me off for a long time now, something brewing bigger than a vat of German ale at Oktoberfest. Forgive me if this gets a little…. political… or “real”, but for fucks sake, don’t you just want to scream?
It’s pretty fuckin’ obvious that the world is damn near screwed. Not just one-night-stand screwed, I mean bang a bus full of football hooligans for a buck kinda screwed. Royally reamed, bent over and inserted with something sharp, solid, and cold. Yeah, you say, this is gonna be about that Kardashian slag, right? About how her IMDB bio got fucked with by some smartass with more balls than a bus full of women screwing a football hooligan. Wait, that’s not right. It’s wrong. That’s not what I’m on about here.
Apparently, money’s main weakness is lightning…
I want to talk to you about finance. Money. And how we’re all royally screwed. A rant about corporate greed, corruption and how that stupid Zuckerberg has the scrotum to put an internet company up for public float and make all his employees multimillionaires. I just want you to know, Zuckerberg, if I ever bump in to you on a dark night in a park somewhere, when the street lamps have blown and all you have for company is a wino sleeping on a bench covered with the sports section, I’m gonna fuck you up say some stuff that’ll probably make you cry. So you have a net worth higher than the GDP of India if the GDP of India was like a gazillion rupee, does that mean I have to swallow your damn arrogant smile as you make even more from conning the public?
We typed “Mark Zuckerberg” into Google and this is the only picture that came up.
Before I get off topic and into a Zuckerberg rant, let’s just say I’m a little pissed at how badly our world economy is traveling. And if this isn’t enough to make people take up boozin’ to get past it, then nothing will. Let’s look at some facts, okay? – I know, they’re a rarity round these parts, but let’s fucking look anyway. Europe, to clarify my earlier statement, is – for want of a better word – screwed. The bottom’s fallen out of the market in the majority of the major Euro players – Ireland, Spain, Portugal and Greece are all abso-lutely rooted. And by rooted, I mean that not in a supportive context, but the kind of context you’d find in a bestiality porno. Greece especially looks like dragging the world down into some kind of mega-depression, from what the news reports say. Now, I normally drink through the opening twenty minutes of our local news service, so I can spend more time finding the sporting highlight hilarious, but of late I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in those opening twenty minutes of whatever they normally gab on about. Greece, and a whole bunch of other Euro Zone countries (what, is that like the opposite of the End Zone or something?) look like they’re struggling to repay some kind of debt, and now they’re having to introduce something called “austerity measures” to keep the budget in check…. in other words, the Big End Of Town got a little loose with the cash, so now the Little People are gonna have to eat bread and chips for a generation to pay for it. Or something like that. So you have a bunch of Greek politicians being voted in… voted out… voted back in…. resigning…. being voted back in again… like a roundabout of folks who want to be in charge but don’t want to fix anything. Sounds like me on a Sunday afternoon when the wife tells me to get out and mow the lawn…. chuckle….
You wouldn’t like him when he’s hungry.
Then there’s America. Big frickin’ America, so proud of itself it can’t see where it’s stuck its own head right up its ass and is eating its own poo. Apparently, and I’m not just making this up, America owes like half of its firstborn children to the Chinese. Kid you not. Most of America is damn near owned entirely by China – a country who about thirty years ago couldn’t even keep people out of a square somewhere without needing to bring in the tanks. (Too soon?) America’s been fighting two wars at the same time (which, I admit, was pretty cool at the start but now looks stupid) and they’ve spent more on their military budget than they can afford – which brings us to their stupid “debt ceiling”. You mean, there’s a limit to debt? Holy Christ in a handbasket, does that mean we’ll see some fiscal responsibility from the Yanks in order to keep their budget and house in order? No siree, just fire up the good old Constitution and vote to increase the level of debt America can handle, and that’ll solve a world of problems, right? Instead, didn’t somebody ask the question: “if it doesn’t matter how much debt we have, why do we even have a debt ceiling?”. Good fucking question, man.
Tossing about new taglines for currency, we came up with this little effort.
Imagine if I walked into the Bar None and decided I’d rack up a tab which was more than I earned in a week. I couldn’t pay that tab, but I came back a week later and did the same thing again, increasing my debt to Al but still being unable to pay him back completely. And I do this same thing week in, week out. I’m pretty sure Al would back me up when I say that that’s a shitty way to do business, but if you wanna tie everything up in a pretty bow so the uneducated can understand it, that’s pretty close to what the US has been doing. Apparently, it doesn’t matter how much they owe to anybody, because they can simply print more money or something and make their problems go away with a war. It’s enough to make a poor guy drink, isn’t it?
Because whining about something will always get you what you want.
China and the rest of Asia (aside from Japan, who are currently the Switzerland of Asian finance on account of a fricking nuclear problem and some kinda earthquake) have strong economies, so strong in fact that the rest of the world is, very soon, going to have to rely on them completely for financial strength. Down here in Australia, about the only industry we have outside of Russell Crowe is our mining industry, chugging away selling our valuable minerals to a bunch of people who still censor the internet. Fuck you Google, they say, and Google says okay I’ll go get fucked. Stupid Google. The mining industry to China is worth billions upon billions to our national economy, much the same way call centers are worth the same to the Indian economy. So if China was to suddenly pull the plug on mining in Australia, this little Hot Rod might be typing his next post via the ankle of a carrier pigeon. The Western World has got itself into a pretty shaky position, it would seem, and yet young people are still going out drinking instead of learning Mandarin, which we should all know when the new world order begins in a few years.
The scariest graph you’ll ever see…
I jest, but seriously, has anybody in charge actually sat back and wondered if we shouldn’t just let it all go to shit? Let the Greeks stick with a financial system which is obviously working out so well for them? Let the Euro Zone collapse and plunge the world into a financial collapse so massive it’d make the Great Depression look like a smoko break out the back of work? Right now, there’s a bunch of banking tossers running between their multi-million dollar corporate offices wondering how in the hell they’ll keep their hedge funds and investment deals that allow them the pleasure of swanning about the Mediterranean on the triple-level yacht their wife wanted, smoking cigars and banging a bunch of low-level Euro-trash hookers. I hope they choke on their heroin caviar, because it’s those wankers who’ve got us all into this mess. Yeah, I could blame my need for a 50″ plasma or a six bedroom house when I only need one with three, and how my capitalist lifestyle has simply added fuel to the fire of the impending Western Collapse, but like any good capitalist, I’m gonna try and avoid blame by making it someone else’s problem.
I know where all HER debt is hiding….
So why not let it all go – let the world economy reset to zero like we all thought it would on Y2K? No doubt it’s because the missing-tooth brigade in America’s deep south might say it’s all Osama Bin Laden’s fault (because even in death, that fucker’s still screwing with us all), and then there’d be some holy war between the Westboro Baptist Church and the Islamic Religion like we all hope will happen (seriously, I’d pay to see that) ending in some kind of apocalypse. If we all did revert back to the stone age of economic ruin, though, I guarantee there’s one thing that would make it easier to bear.
We’ll find any reason to put a pic of Kim Kardashian sucking something up here at the Bar None.
Booze. If we all do end up circling the drain of banking misconduct, thanks to the sackless wonders currently running the financial markets, I wanna make sure it’s on public record that I’m gonna be stashing a whole bunch of booze out the back of my house. I suggest you do the same. It’s gonna make fantasizing about that stupid Kardashian cow a whole lot easier when the world ends.