Because if i don’t bring up the dregs, no one will. Like here i got a guy who had all his orifices occupied while driving, a thief who could’t keep his pants on or his beer down, Shia pet exploding all over Marilyn Manson and a brief appearance by Jane Lynch before i give the floor show to Heather Morris only because i can.
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Jane Lynch: The Cast of Glee – Tik Tok
Here’s a guy who wants to try everything once before he dies, plus he wants to try them all at once—and while driving. George E Howard (aka Paul E Chronic) was driving erratically while sucking a beer so the police pulled him over. When they approached the car, they saw a woman’s head resting on the happy place in his lap. The officers told old George E to get his ass and the rest of him out of the car and when he did his pants fell down to his knees. George admitted to simultaneously drinking, driving, fucking and doing everything any other 58-year-old could ever hope to do in a year, then proceeded to fail the dreaded field sobriety test while his girlfriend unsuccessfully attempted to hid the beer can under her dress. Yes, he got arrested, but is that all you learned from this?
Shia LeButt erupted at an event in a box called The Box in L.A. and i just know they’re bummin’ i thought of the name The Bar None first. Still Shia Pet got super drunk on pro’lly wine coolers and started spitting water he sipped from a bottle on his girlfriend’s leg and whenever i try shit like that i suddenly don’t have a girlfriend anymore. But LeBum gets a pass because he’s famous and girls’ll let you do whatever the fuck you want if your famous because famous people are better than you and me otherwise they wouldn’t be famous.
You know who was pissed off as well as ‘pissed’ on, though? Marilyn Manson. He was sitting at the table with his girlfriend and Shia spit on him and Marilyn was all, like, miffed. So Shia ran away and his girlfriend followed him because that’s what women do when you’re famous. Even if you look like this.
You know Jane Lynch from Glee? She’s the one who plays Sue Cunningham, the cheerleader coach. Which is probably a job she’d like in real life, what with her being a lesbian and all. Lesbian, as in “I’ll have the tuna for Lynch.” Or “All You Can Eat Lynch Special for Seniors”. Anyway, guess what else but i know you already know so just stop playing and sit back and enjoy the wit while it lasts.
Jane, at 51, has been dry for 30 years and even goes to AA, which i’m sure must be cool despite my going there for going on 8 months now. But, in order to sell a few extra copies of some book she’s peddling, she came clean about sipping NyQuil before bedtime, not really thinking about the alcohol content . The article doesn’t say if she stopped or not. Or how many extra books the publicity from the “shocking revelation” pushed.
The Bar None's Artist Hallucination
The good news is that Heather Morris, who plays “Brittany” (or something) on the show, looks shitloads better in a bikini than Jane so i’m going with her for the photos. Plus, Heather drinks. Here’s what that’s about.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Not only that, she may not be a lesbian, like Jane, but she plays one on TV.
And let’s not forget the huge scandal about Heather being the poster child for Domestic Violence.
There’s tons more shots of her filling my drawers. Just keep scrolling down til you find the happiness.
Bar None Dregs
You know how i’m not busy enough, right? In honor of that and the fact that i don’t have enough to beat myself up over not doing, i’ve decided to open another bar Blog. It must be real because it even has its own domain name. Check out alkhallanonymous.com for the softer side of sobriety.
Al K Hall-ic Anonymous is a place where i can share more of the personal shit going on with my recovery and not worry about sounding like a wuss.
Also, that annoying little Saint Pauly kid posted another one of those things that can’t be called a review. It’s on a Nick Cage wreck called Season of the Witch. Check it out, you don’t believe me.
Before we get to the goodies, here’s the goods. Straight up from the juiced-box, a brother who has lived there, died from it, then went back to live there again. The man, Warren Zevon. His message? My shit’s fucked up.
[Press 'Play' for some fucked up shit. You'll come for the lyrics, but the guitar part will make you come.]
As you all may or may not care, Miss Demeanor and i are leaving on our annual Sabbatical to Camp David Hasselhoff. The Rod has kindly offered to look after the place in our absence, so here’s to The Rod. Three Beers for The Rod! This also means that i will not be able to respond to comments with my usual rudeless efficiency. Please feel free to look around the site while you wait the 3 weeks it’ll take me to get back and get back to you.
Also, i don’t know if i mentioned it or not but Miss Demeanor will officially become Mrs Demeanor on 09/09, as that’s when i’m making a dishonest woman from her. And there was much rejoicing.
Here’s some more shots of what it will look like when Miss D and i fly away tomorrow.
Also in the news, i would officially like to thank Dana, Shankaripriya, and Mdgnh who are my three latest subscribers. Thank you for your confidence. i hope i can live down my reputation and up to your expectations. And thank you for patronizing me. If anyone else out there wants to have their name read by 3000 people a day, all you have to do is click the Subscribe button up top over there.
Speaking of readership, an important milestone just swooshed right past me and i didn’t even notice. Normally i’d blame my drunk blogging, but you know how that is. Anyway, some time about two weeks ago, i surpassed one million readers served. For proof all you have to do is look at the top of the column over there. Allow me to grovel a bit and to thank each of you who slid into the Bar None for whatever reason, be it the sexy shots of women, my delectable sense of humor, or the sexy shots women who am i kidding? Whatever the reason, you are all equally important in my eyes (especially Miss D, Wayne, The Rod, ITSB, Bats and Paulo the Lurker). Thanks, as always, for patronizing me.
Also, i just know that Saint Pauly kid would get all up in my shit if i didn’t point out that he posted another one of his funny movie thingies over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).
With that, i leave you to your own devices. Do with them what you will, where you will.
Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds,
It’s true you haven’t heard much from me lately about the Bar None’s Bar Nun and much of that’s because In The Same Boat talked about how he ran into her at a party (because he’s all the time hobbing his knob with the upper crusties) and she was a real prima donna bitch.
You know me (and if you don’t you oughta get your shots while they last), i’m a really super forgiving guy and i can overlook every kind of default like being a hot fire crotch who loves to party. But one thing that straightens my bender are people who think they’re better than me. Just because she starred in a Love Bug remake and was arrested for covering Stevie Nicks’ Edge of Seventeen doesn’t make her shit any hotter than mine.
[Oops, my bad, i just found out the crime she was arrested for had to do with drinking and drugs. Still, have you heard her "Edge of Seventeen"? You came to the right place, i put it at the end of this bad boy. To get your whistle all wet, here's her singing an "original", "I Wanna Be Bad".]
[Press 'Play' to hear Lindsay get her wish]
On June 29, 2011 Lindsay Lohan was able to go home after being released from her…home. Your chance to go to her place and tell her that her home cooking tastes like prison food is officially over. Too bad you didn’t do that on June 13, when the Bar Nun had a party and got her petite wrist slapped for having a Girl’s Prison Party, which, ironically, is also my favorite movie of 1974.
Lindsay and the Lo-Los
So Close to a Moment It's Criminal
Yet the powers that bleed (and if you know what that means, please explain it in a comment below because i’m as lost as virginity at a frat kegger in Cancun) did not want her to suffer the punishment of being grounded any longer. Another point in 190 proof is that she set off her alcohol alarms all over the place with her ankle jewelry ballin’ chain and the judge tried to throw the book at her but she was so damn squirmy that she wrangled out of that hold and ran for the freedom line.
So, let’s have a Lindsay Lohan is Free and Cheap Party. Here are the tunes…
…and i’ve got just the drink.
When You’re Rich Enough to Drink the Very Best…
drink it, and not this shit. Luxor, so tacky it’s named after a Vegas hotel, decided to add another bling to “bling bling” and came out with Bling Bling Bling Champagne.
Which looks something like this.
Is That Dirt?
Guess what. It’s not dirt. Look again…
No, it’s not dust… Once more.
Yes! 24 karat gold flakes you can drink, but don’t worry, it still tastes like shit. At least it’s overpriced, only $253 a pop. Emphasis on “Pop”.
Just when you thought you couldn’t find a kitscher way to brighten up the trailer.
Bar None Dregs
A drink to sobriety… Let’s hear it for Bats, my dear friend over at The She Chronicles, who just celebrated 2 years without a drink. Well, she had stuff to drink, it’s not like she went 2 years without any liquid whatsoever or else i’d have bumped this part up a little bit on the page. Still, 2 years without alcohol, 2 fucking years, is an incredible feat and i want to congratulate her for hanging in there and thank her for her support of me and the Bar None.
Next up, i just hit 6 months sober last Monday. i won’t babble on too much about this, i’d just like to say that AA has been an amazing experience and i’m grateful for all the support i’ve gotten in the rooms and from y’all here in this room. To congratulate myself, you may have noticed i changed the header from “Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker” to “The Bar None–High and Dry”. You know, because i’m dry and still acting like i’m high.
Here’s a song from the juiced-box to remind John Galliano: David Bowie – Fashion
[Press 'Play' for something always in Fashion]
He’s Named after the John because of His Potty Mouth
There’s this town in Europe called Paris where everybody who’s anybody wants to make a scene or be scene. Fashion Freak John Galliano is no exception so he decided the best way to get noticed was to get drunk at a Café (French for “cafe”) and hurl racial and anti-Semitic slurs at innocent by sitters who were egging him on with their faces.
G-Strung was drunk at a place called Le Perle and started going at a Jewish woman, telling her she had a “dirty Jewish face” and then insulted her her friend by calling him a “fucking Asian bastard”. (In his defense, Galliano did not use any anti-Semitic insults on the Asian guy.) After the couple reported this to the authorities, another person came out with a home movie of Galliano insulting them at the same cafe, back in December 2010.
Galliano’s trial for racism, which is apparently against the law in Paris, started on the 22nd of June and during the trial he came out with his self defense strategy: Blame it on the Booze. Instead of manning up—or at least queen-ing up—the grand designer said he could’t remember what he did or said and explained to the court that he had 3 addictions linked to being an overworked genius. 1) Alcohol, 2) valium, 3) sleeping pills.
i’m hoping this defense works because i’d love to see this case set a precedent. “Sorry, your honor, I sat on top of the tower and sniped 50 people because I was drunk. Won’t happen again, Scout’s honor.” They’re gonna call it Pleading Inebriatition. Here it is in a sentence: “Well judge, I know I was arrested for drunk driving and I had a BAC of 90% but you see, I was drunk at the time. So I plead Not Guilty by Reason of Innebriation.”
These are the Bar None’s artist’s hallucinations of Galliano:
The Devil Wears Galliano
Galliano Gets A Tattoo
The Backlash Gets Hotter
"WTF did you just say?"
Nathalie Portman, world famous Jewish person who acts too, saw the video i linked up there and called Galliano out and a whole lot of other things a lot worse. That she’d made a big deal was a big deal because she’s just made a big deal with Dior, the company G draws clothes pictures for. So Dior told G to get the fuck out, which i totally get because Galliano is at worst a racist but at best a flaming prick asshole. An even better reason is that Nathalie Portman stayed with Dior and so could grace our computer screens with images like this.
But who else? The Bar None favorite, Taylor Momsen (shhh, don’t tell Miss Demeanor i’m talking about her again) also hooked up with Galliano in the sense she did some posters to promote his perfume which is called Parlez-Moi d’Aryans Amour.
Taylor let me down a bit by not coming out against Galliano. Sure, the campaign was a while back and pro’lly no one thought she was intelligent enough to have an opinion, but i think she should of proved everyone stupid by coming out right away and saying something smart. Or at least something cool.
The Little Dictator and Taylor Mum-sen
[AlKHallism: There's some more shots of hot fashionards in my drawers right down there.]
All of this to make my sobriety more palatable for you, because here’s the…
Immoral of the Story
Man, the view is nice from up here on my pedestal but the height is making me a little sick. Rather than stomach sneezing on all you little people down there, i thought i’d share something from my past to show i’m not as high and mighty as i make myself out to be.
i understand that there’s a chance that Galliano isn’t a racist. He maybe said what he did to shake things up a bit. Don’t get me wrong, i’m not condoning idiocy (though i often play one at home) or excusing his behavior. Just because he did it for attention doesn’t mean it or he is ok. If your go-to rant for the crowd is based on hatred then you gotta got to a new go-to place.
While i don’t understand where this came from i do understand why this came up. i said some pretty ridiculous shit to stand out from the crowd back in the day and it was usually linked to the drink.
You pro’lly won’t believe this about me, but i have a dry sense of humor that can be caustic at times. No, really. Swear to god. When i’m sober i know where the line is, i walk right up to it and even piss over it sometimes, but i never cross it. When i’m drunk i fall over the line and stumble past it. It’s not that i don’t see the line, i just fucking forget there’s lines at all.
Another thing that’s hard to believe but this time for real, is that i’ve only been thrown out for life from one bar. It’s a Scottish Pub here in Yeaman and i was already totally shitfaced when i arrived. The bar was huge busy and i was single and drunk and there was this cute blonde barmaid tending to the barhounds. Wanting to stand out from the masses, i ordered my drinks and said something unusual.
i don’t remember what it was. This gap in my memory is probably a good thing because whatever i’d said freaked the barmaid out so much that she cried (if memory serves as well as she did) and the owner of the bar told the Irish guy who’d carried me in to take me out and never let me back in. I was banned for life.
Like i already said, i don’t remember what i said that night. So i can see how Galliano could forget his verbal diarrhea but this doesn’t mean his mouth shouldn’t get washed out with soap. i feel so guilty about whatever it was i said, i own up to it and accept responsibility for it. i was a dick and deserve to be beaten.
Alls i can do now is to try and be better sober than i was drunk. Which, thank god, is easy because i really hate doing shit that’s too hard.
What about y’all? Anyone say anything drunk they regretted when they were sober? Say it now in the Comments section and let it go, Barmaids and Beerhounds. Let it go.
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly has graced us all with another WTF!? (Watch The Film) movie review. This time it’s of Push. It’s worth a look and is pro’lly funny if you’re a little drunk.
Here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated to Estella Warren: Drive by Truckers – Women Without Whiskey
[Press 'Play' for Trailer Park Rock]
My first thought when i heard that Estella Warren was arrested for drunk driving was, “Who the hell is Estella Warren?” Closely followed by my second thought, which was, “i hope she’s hot.” Judging from the above collage, i think you’ll agree that i had happy pants upon learning she is an actress/model, or, as we call them here in the Bar None, Role Model.
[If you want to see her acting assets, you can check out my Facebook page...and why not Friend me while you're there?]
Estella Warren "Mug Shot"
So, the international star of Jack the Kangaroo —and how the Oscars could miss her doing that to a Kangaroo, i’ll never know—hit three cars driving home the other night. The neighbors heard the racket and chased her down until she got out of her car and screamed that they were all trying to steal her shit. Someone called the cops and she started bitch slapping one guy to pass the time until the cops arrived.
Too drunk to study, she failed her sobriety test and started kicking one of the officers to punish him for putting handcuffs on her. The cop failed his field arrest test, though, because back at the hoosegow Warren Remembrance slipped like a nipple from her confinement and ran away. But not too far because she got caught like and STD and arrested again.
For her second DUI (the first was 2007), the lucky wench got four Miss Demeanors while i still only have the one.
[AlKHallism: There's some more shots of her in my drawers right down there.]
Immoral of the Story
Man, the view is nice from up here on my pedestal but the height is making me a little sick. Rather than stomach sneezing on all you little people down there, i thought i’d share something from my past to show i’m not as high and mighty as i make myself out to be.
One of the reasons i started this blog was, i told myself a couple years ago, to talk about my drinking and make this a forum for drunks and drinkers, those who want to stop being either and those who love them. Well, this is me living up to that.
Hell, Estella, i'm no angel either.
i graduated from University back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and just after that i was so obsessed with this beautiful girl that i didn’t notice she had Dumbo ears. She led me on as only a pretty girl who realizes you can’t see her defaults knows how to do, and part of this back and forth was a back and forth because she lived in a University town 1 ½ hours from where i lived. i’d regularly drive up to her place to let her abuse me on weekends where she’d give me just enough to make me want some more but nothing of any consistency (which, thinking about it, is a lot like alcoholism).
We’d hang out in the sports bar where she waited tables and i was included in the inner crowd who would drink free beer with the owner after closing time, my cute addiction sitting on my lap but refusing to kiss me before i’d go back to her place where we’d snuggle on her sofa before she left me for the comfort of her double bed.
One winter’s night, i was in my home town getting drunk with friends watching my alma mater get trashed in a championship basketball game. Even more trashed than my team, i had a sudden craving for Honey Whine. i hopped in my car, hit the highway and began the long drive north.
Estalla Warren and Al K Hall Road Trip (Guess Who's Who)
Halfway into the trip (the car one), i fell asleep at the wheel and drove straight into a guardrail going about 60mph—for those of you who work on the metric system, this corresponds to “really fucking fast”. i remember waking up seconds before and seeing the grey metal rush at me.
i bounced off the windshield hard enough to crack it. The engine was still running until my trembling leg slipped off the accelerator. The next thing i remember is tying the hood down with my jean jacket somehow and driving to the nearest exit where there was an all night truck stop and i bought some bungee cords to lash down my hood.
i finished the drive but instead of going to Honey Whine’s, i drove to my best friend’s place (who attended the same school). Driving into his parking lot, i nearly drove into a ditch because i fell asleep again.
So yeah, i’m not perfecter than Warren, s’what i’m saying.
What about y’all? Anyone have any drunk driving stories you’d like to share? That’s what the Comments Section is for, you know.
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly has graced us all with another WTF!? (Watch The Film) movie review. This time it’s of The Fighter. It’s worth a look and is pro’lly funny if you’re a little drunk.
A special shout out to Ganjicu and Super8wentzville (you know who you are, ’cause i sure as hell don’t) for subscribing to this Diary-a of a Chronicle (Non) Drinker. Welcome to the Bar None, don’t be shy and thanks for patronizing me.
Before we got down to the dirty, let me drop this plate from the juiced-box on ya: Mark Lanegan – Morning Glory Wine
[Press 'Play' for the coolest thing you'll hear today]
A couple weeks ago, President Barack Obama took his show on the road and his first stop was Ireland. ‘Cause apparently his ancestors are Irish and now I finally understand why they say “Black Irish”.
You and i both know another reason he went there was for the beer and if you don’t know what i’m on about, shame on you because i was all over that shit ages ago. For example, how come you didn’t read about Why the Nobels Chose Obamawhich i wrote way back in October 2009?! And there’s no excuse for not reading the very recent Obama Beer Laden and, in fact, i’m kinda pissed off because you’re lack of reading it meant no one launched a fatwad on me and i was kinda looking forward to that.
Anyway, i’m thinking Obama wanted to start off his tour with a free beer. This is why it’s called a “round” trip: he’s on a trip and it’s always someone else’s round. Here’s the photographic evidence of that.
Obama is not a beerholic. Probably not. But this doesn’t mean we don’t exist.
People are always saying they’re gonna stop drinking the hard stuff and only partake of beer or wine like that isn’t alcohol. i’m beer to tell you, Barmaids and Beerhounds, it’s entirely possible and i’m nearly not living proof. Emphasis on Proof.
Wine was my drunk of choice for ages because it packed a 13% punch, cost about 3 bucks a bottle and 1 bottle was the perfect buzz. Two bottles was a good drunk and after 4 bottles was some of the best near death experiences i ever had if i could only remember them. Wine was easy to plan, ‘swhat i’m saying. Wine was faithful. i always knew where i stood with wine and that was right by her side.
Beer was different. i never liked the taste of beer and it always made me feel full and i had to drink a lot to get someplace else but that was also the upside, Chuck. Because i drank faster than a hole, liquor knocked me out quicker but beer helped me draw the night out and plus i got to piss like every ten minutes. Self-regulating, yo.
I'll Drink to That
All’s i’m sayin’ is i don’t believe the hype. Scientific studies (that i conducted in my living room watching TV) have proven the alcohol in beer and wine is the exact same alcohol in evil spirits.
If you’re gonna drink, may god be with you and not take you to the places i let the booze take me. If you choose not to drink: beer and wine count as alcohol, babes.
Bar None Dregs
In other news, i’ve been busy lately with writing projects and other blogs and going to AA meetings. Speaking of, i hit 5 months sober last Saturday. Also, thanks to Bats for stopping by to check in on me. i’m doing well, babe, ‘preciate your asking.
Linked to that [get it, linked to that? Don't worry, you will right now], i started a new blog for movie reviews called WTF!? (Watch the Film). i basically take notes while watching a movie and post the notes and try to be funny. i created another persona to head the blog—his name is Saint Pauly and we’ll pretend he’s someone else but anyone reading this far is a regular and i got no secrets from y’all. Please feel free to Visit WTF!? (Watch The Film) and especially please leave a comment while i try to get it off the ground. Thanks!
i forgot to mention a few weeks back that The Rod did me the great honor of posting some of my shit up over at Fernby Films even though i wrote it. It’s all about the Matrix Spillogy and is s’posed to be funny. Well, as funny as i get. Thanks, Rodney, for the place to show my goods. (That’s what Rhys Meyers said.)
Don’t let the shot above fool you or go ahead, i really can’t be bothered to give that much of a shit. What i mean is that this week’s (and i use the term “week” as loose as Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ scratch-and-sniff after a night at the YMCA sponsored Greco-Roman hot tub wrestling festival) dregs are settling more on the men than the women. But you know me—and if you don’t you’re not reading this ’cause you got raptured—i won’t settle for that so i spent gobs of time and gobs of effort to pretty this post up a little. Still, the theme of this week is firmly Junk Male.
Here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated a little to my Male Order Bride Jonathan Rhys Meyers and ever so especially to Matthew Perry: Sad Brad Smith – Help Yourself
[Press 'Play' for "I'ma Go To Rehab"]
Celebrity Dregs: They are so Takei
Way up inside my “Junk Male” issue is the notion of Femi-men, because most of the ‘guys’ licking the bottom of the barrel (ooh, there’s a euphemism for you) this week are of questionable heterosexuality. This is why i talked about “They are so Takei” in the mini headline just right up there.
You know how i know actor George Takei (aka Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu) is gay? ‘Cause he married a man.
Plus he keeps telling people about it all the time.
It seems that in some state in the USA they call Tennessee, it could soon be against the law to mention in schools that homosexuality exists. Ironic, considering i’m not even sure Tennessee exists but there you go. Anyway, this has become known as the “Don’t Say Gay” law there, so George Takei with all his interplanetary diplomacy skills has suggested we replace the word “Gay” with “Takei”. Don’t believe me? Check this shit out:
[Pressing 'Play' doesn't necessarily mean you're Takei.]
Everyone and their therapist knows that the Bar None maintains a very strict “No Haters” policy and, as such, homosexuals are super welcome. Hell, some of our best gays are friends. In keeping with this tradition, i plan to discuss homosexuality so much that everyone will say this issue of the dregs is gay. Really gay. Some people may even say this is the gayest Dregs ever.
I feel an ass kickin' coming on. Where's the nearest airport?
Starting things off, here’s Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who i would have homosexual sex with if he ever became a man. The only thing hard about this guy is his drinking, ‘s what i’m saying.
This is the man who was arrested in 2009 for getting drunk in a Paris airport and beating up the waiter who intervened when Meyers started a fight with the bartender who cut him off. Before that in 2007, he was arrested for public drunkenness in a Dublin airport. Dude, if you get busted for public drunkenness in France and Ireland (public drunkenness in Ireland is a crime!? Who knew!?), for fuck’s sake stay out of goddamn airports.
Footage from the Paris Bust
Guess what, his suppressed homosexuality reared its ugly head in an airport again a couple weeks ago when, while waiting for a flight in a JFK bar, he pounded vodkas like man-holes until he wasn’t allowed to get on the plane because he was already flying. He pitched a hissy fit so hard his proxy boyfriend girlfriend screeched, “It’s either the boobs or the booze, you choose.” He, or course, chose the beard [AlKHallism: Thanks to Miss D for the vocab lesson] because he’s not ready to come out to himself yet. To prove my point, he went into rehab to shut her up. Unfortunately, he has better luck staying in the closet than a clinic because he left after 10 days for “business” reasons which really means “I’m gay and it’s no one’s business.”
P.S. He has flunked rehab four times.
P.P.S. If you don’t believe he’s really Takei, you’re gonna wanna scroll down and look around my drawers, where i keep the visual proof.
Another dude trying to drown the Takei inside him clawing to get out is Rick Springfield, who sang in the 80′s (yes, he was that gay), “I wish that I was Jesse’s girl”. Or something. Springfield was so obviously Takei that all the little girls loved him because their little cloven hearts could get all mushy without fear of actually being penetrated.
Rick Springfield Mug Shot
He got busted for DUI is why i’m writing about him. On May Day (that’s how i know he’s gay), he was pulled over for a traffic violation in LA or some place with the same spelling and cops smelled booze on his breath. He bombed the field sobriety tests and blew (he was very good at blowing) 0.10 and 0.08 on the BAC which was enough for a free trip to the pokey. The non-gay kind.
You have got to listen to this: The Partridge Family – We Gotta Get Out Of This Place
Another teen idol who was Takei enough to collect crushes like pansies on a daisy chain is David Cassidy who had his own TV show with the hotter and much more masculine Susan Dey. “Dey” which rhymes with…Takei. Anyway, he got popped too, just like Rickie, for DUI. Only his was back in February (maybe he popped prematurely?) so he already got sentenced to community service because 1) he got judged by famous people law (which is very different from the law you and i have to obey) and 2) the judge was afraid Cassidy would enjoy being a prisoner too much for it to be counted as punishment.
He pleaded “No Contest” which is legal-speak for “I can’t think of good enough bullshit to fool a jury”. The punishment for this is writing “I was a naughty naughty boy” 500 times on a billboard or some other shit as equally tame.
My favorite part of this crime was looking up pictures of young 60′s idol Susan Dey, which i’ve included in the drawers, down below.
Another guy with a TV show is Ricardo Chavira who’s in Desperate Housewives as Carlos somebody and he got busted driving drunk and so what. So what is that in the TV show he plays Eva Longoria’s character’s husband which is close enough for me to do an exposée on Eva Longoria. Which looks something like this.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
As if that wasn’t enough, there are more shots of her in my drawers.
But back to Ricardo. Here’s the down and dirty (that’s what Jonathan Rhys Meyers said): Rick “The Dick” Springfield beat him to the punch. (Sorry, Rhys, it’s a euphemism.) ‘Cause, like Ricky, Ricardo 1) was nabbed in LA 2) for a traffic violation when 3) officers smelled booze on his breath and he 4) failed the field sobriety test. The only way Ricardo rolled the other way was in refusing blood and breath tests, which is actually the right decision if you’re wasted.
What i like most about this guy is that every fucking picture of him looks like a mug shot. Google his ass (and his face) all over the place, nearly every pap shot of him looks like it was taken during booking. Makes it super easy on the police and me too, because this mughsot i’m posting is not the real mug shot but is from some event that didn’ t include community showers.
Chandler Bing, who some people know by his real life name of Matthew Perry, is going back to rehab. He already went once in 1997 and once in 2001 for his problems with prescription pills (bo-ring) and booze (yay!!!!!!!!!!). The good news is, he didn’t relapse, he just thought it’d be a good idea to go back to treatment before the shit hit the fan. He preemptively moved his ass away from the fan, i’m saying. (Rhys, back your ass away from the fan this instant.) Here’s how he put it (that’s what Rhys said),
“I’m making plans to go away for a month to focus on my sobriety and to continue my life in recovery. Please enjoy making fun of me on the World Wide Web.”
Only problem is, i’m trying to make fun of him but i can’t think of anything funny to say. Bastard. i mean, what’s fun about a star who realized he had problems, sought help for them and is continuing to ensure he doesn’t relapse? How am i supposed to mock this!? Fucker. All i’ll say is that it’s a damn good thing no one else in the industry is as rational and down to earth as Perry otherwise i wouldn’t have anything to write about.
Bree Olson, AKA Charlie Sheen’s #winning #Goddess, drove her Lexus into a tree in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The cops on the scene had her blow and she blew it, 0.19% to be precise, which is more than double the 0.08% drunk you’re allowed to be when you drive. This was last February and since then the court told her she can have two days in June to defend herself.
Bree Olson and Charlie Sheen's Future
What the hell is her strategy gonna be? She blew 0.19! She might get away with pleading insanity after she proves she gave up porn to be one of Charlie Sheen’s #Goddess’s. Or maybe “Self Defense” if she can prove she was trying to kill herself before she hurt herself driving drunk. (It’s a blonde thing.) It’ll be easy as her pie to prove it wasn’t premeditated because she has no brain. (Sorry, Bree! Sometimes i let my rabid wit get away from me.)
Bree Olson Mug Shot
Maybe the drawer shots will make up for my slight slight. Scroll all the way down and let me know what you think.
Lula is as premature as they come. Joining the ranks of Miley Cyrus and Emma Roberts, say hello to 17-year-old Tallulah Belle Willis, daughter to some guys named Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. She was “cited” for underage drinking, which means she got a verbal tongue lashing, after she stumbled drunk out of a car in Hollywood (and so would i). She and her big hairy posse of 2 girls were carrying 2 bottles of hard alcohol so the cops took her in. Because she’s a minor, they had to call an adult to pick her up at the station. i would of loved for that to be Ashton Kutcher but, like i said, it had to be ab adult so Demi did it.
It’s not like this was the first time, either. Check out this picture:
This is Tallulah holding ice water. Only problem is she was drinking the water because she was drunk and smoking cigarettes. And 15 years old. At Scout Willis’s 18th birthday bash. Willis’s motto? Die Hard but Party Harder.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here is my evidence supporting the case that Jonathan Rhys Meyers is Takei.
Jonathan Rhys Meyers walking to the Bar None
Eva Longoria in the Bar None (kinda)
Bree Olson in the Bar None with Charlie Sheen
Bree Olson in the Bar None (look in the lower right corner, if you're eyes will go that low)
[Press 'Play' for an Alkie nominated song from the juiced-box: The Doors - Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar) Live in Boston (1970)]
Good Evening. You know why y’all remind me of bathrooms? Because you’re ladies and gents, but forgive me for my potty mouth. Welcome to the Rehab Center For Autists here in downtown Yeman. It’s i, Al K Hall, temporal International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson and your humble Masturbates Ceremoniously, coming to you still alive to present tonight’s 2nd Anal bArCADEMY AwkWARDS [AlKHallism: Click here for a reruns of last year's cere-moaning].
i’d like to welcome those of you who’ve made it back from last year and to welcome the newbeers. i remember my first time—wait, no i don’t, actually. Memory…forget about it. Why is it you can only remember the things you don’t want to? You can’t for the life of you remember what was so attractive about that person at the party who was so ugly they had to shave their asses and walk around backwards to look better, but you’ll never in your life forget the smell of the shame when looking at the hairy sack of bile sloshing beside you when you wake up the next morning. What did i want to say? Right, i keep forgetting that i have good memory.
Alright, enough monologuing. There are plenty of other things that involve mono and they are much more clothing discouraged than this thing. Besides, all these jokes sound funnier in my head and the other voices there appreciate the humor much more than y’all. You should see all the clap i got going on up there…
Just like last year, we’ll be honoring alcohol in the movies and awarding the coveted Alkie statuette for outsitting (because who the fuck can be bothered to stand?) use of booze in the movies since last year’s orgy of pride.
Ladies first, so let’s get the rock rolling with theBest Drunk Actress award. To present the Alkie, we’ve had Tara Reid delivered. Why can’t Tara Reid? Because she’s fuckin’ drunk! Seriously everyone, i’m proud—and a little dizzy from the contact blonde—to introduce you to Tara Reid!
Tara Reid: Thanks so much, Al. I just wanted to say it’s an honor to be anywhere tonight. Like you paid me for, I’m giving away the Best Drunk Actress tonight, which means the chick who acts drunk best and not the actress who gets the most drunkenest. As I’ve just discovered. Here are tonight’s anomolies:
Julianne Moore as “Charley” in A Single Man
Winona Ryder as “Beth Macintyre” in Black Swan
Nathalie Portman as “Emma” in No Strings Attached
And the winner is… Winona Ryder as “Beth Macintyre” in Black Swan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dah dah dahdahdahdah dah dah dahdahdahdah dah dah dahdahdahdah My Winona! Congrats, babe. i’m so glad to see your come-back face. And what can you follow that with other than: the Best Drunk Actor award?
To present this year’s Alkie for the Best Drunk Actor in a Motion Sickness Picture, give it up more than even Tara Reid does for Jamie Foxx. What do Jamie Foxx and Santa Claus have in common? Ho Ho Hos…
Jamie Foxx: Ahh, dawg. You make me wanna rap you up, huh huh, rap you drunk huh huh. Rap the stuff? Uh-uh. Rap you up huh huh, rap you up oh yeah, rap you drunk…
‘Ight, y’all. We’s got us some anomalies for Best Drunk Actor in da house; which is:
Jeff Bridges as “Bad Blake” in Crazy Heart
Colin Firth as “George” in A Single Man
Robert Downey Jr as “Tony Stark / Iron Man” in Iron Man 2
The envelope, yo, and you don’t want me to axe you twice. Oh no you don’t. And the Best Drunk Actor is…
Jeff Bridges as “Bad Blake” in Crazy Heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh man, that Jeff Bridges. Basically he spent all last year drunk in movies and i know you know how he got to “act” so good at drunk. I’ma shut up about that, though, ’cause i don’t wanna burn any Bridges.
What’s a lot more fun is to ease on down the road trip to Best Drinking Song in a Movie. Course you don’t wanna be easing down that road if my next presenter is driving on it. When he drives around he literally drives “around”, only problem is the road is straight. Certainly shitloads straighter than…Vince Neil!
Vince Neil: Thanks a lot, kids. Man, sorry I’m so late but there were all these speed bumps running around the road as I was swerving through the school crossing. I’m shit faced to be here tonight and present the abominations for Best Drinking Song in a Movie. You already heard the first one at the top of our show— “Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)” by the Doors in When You’re Strange– and so here’s the second one that you don’t really have to listen to because it didn’t win anyway. Landon Pigg featuring Turbo Fruits doing “High Times” from Bliss.
As predicted, the winner is The Doors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To wrap things up tonight, i’ve got big big fuckin’ news for you. Tonight isn’t about winning and losing, it’s about #winning. And getting drunk, but especially #winning with a hash mark, babes, and emphasis on the hash. Tonight’s presenter of Best Drunk Motion Picture is no longer part of 2½ Men because he’s a man and a half. Let’s here you make some noise louder than a train wreck for THE MAN, @Charlie Sheen!
Charlie Sheen: #Winning! #TigerBlood! #Winning #tigerblood. The abonominations for Best Drinking Movie of 2010 are:
And there you have it, another year of bArCADEMY AwkWARDS put to bed harder than Miley Cyrus stoned on Saliva. i’d like to congratulate you all for sticking with this all the way to the end and remember, you’re all #winners in my book. Course i threw up on that book in my last binge, so there you have it. Or not.
Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds…