Drunk Elves 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

A Bar None ChristmAss (2014 Sedition)

Drunk Santa 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

As of right now, 403 patronizers have found there way into the Bar None, and you can add one more because i’m here with you. i know you have the choice of a lot of places to go and get shit faced today, and that you chose my corner of the internet means a lot to me. May the season find you happy and safe and full of a lot of cheer. Though maybe not as much as Santa.

But before we pass on to that… From the juiced-box and dedicated to Kris ‘Krispy’ Kringle: Big & Rich – Drunk on Christmas

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Vodka 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

20 All-You-Can-Eat Vodkas

2014-11-20 Vodka dinnerAfter the resounding success of my Vodka for 9-year-olds, i figured what the fuck, there’s grown ups who like vodka too, right?

The problem is, our tastes have moved past candy, but does that mean we have to stop enjoying vodka at all hours of the day? Fuck no!

Below you’ll find a selection of flavored vodkas you can have for any meal…dessert included.

As an alcoholic in recovery, i haven’t tried any of these but i’ll probably go off the wagon when they invent Cara Delevingne’s panties vodka (distill my beating heart).

That said, i’d love to hear from you in the tip jar (comments) if you’ve ever been brave enough to sample one of these. Which one did you try and what did you think?

To get you in the mood, from the juiced box, i give you: The Whiskey Bards – Drinking Man’s Diet

Wallpaper

Vodka 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

17 Vodkas You Will Eat Up

1. Breakfast Vodkas

Breakfast is the most important drink of the day. Most alcoholics recommend a hearty drink before braving the world outdoors. For those of you who want a big breakfast drunk, try

  • Maple bacon (WTF!?) vodka
  • Blueberry pancake vodka
  • Waffle vodka

Vodka 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Vodka 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

If you’re one of those who doesn’t like big breakfasts, not to worry. What about Fruit Loop vodka?

Vodka 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

You could even drink it out of a bowl

Still too much? How ’bout just a little bite on your way out the door.

Vodka 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Drunken Donuts

2. Lunch Vodkas

Busy at the office and looking for something to take the edge off? Try this blast from the past: PB&J vodka.

Vodka 05 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

No crusts and everything

Want to give that sammich a little kick?

Vodka 08 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

How to get pickled

Maybe you need something that’ll burn a little more going down.

Vodka 06 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Burns going both in and out

Not spicy enough? No problem, i got some Jalpeño vodka for you.

Vodka 07 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Burns both going down and coming up

To be sure you stay healthy, don’t forget to drink a little fruit. (Salty Watermelon? WTF!?)

Vodka 09 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Seedless

3. Dinner vodkas

A three-course meal is the perfect way to finish off the day if you’re still standing.

Starting with the appetizer… Scorpion vodka

Vodka 10 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Careful, it’ll sting

Then there’s Salmon vodka for the main course…

Vodka 11 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Fishy

For dessert, we got a choice.

  • Cake vodka
  • Pumpkin pie vodka
  • Cupcake vodka
Vodka 12 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Just Desserts

Wait, what, you want whipped cream with that?

Vodka 13 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Finally, something to wash it all down.

Vodka 14 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

How many shots?

Click Here For More Top 10 Lips

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Are you glad i didn’t post this as a slideshow and make you go through each bottle one at a time? You could always thank me by…uhm, i don’t know… sharing this.

What about you? Have you tried any of these? Leave a comment below and let us know what you thought.

2014-11-11 Vodka for Kids

10 Vodkas 9-Year-Olds Will Love (A Top 10 Lips)

2014-11-11 Vodka for KidsHow many times have people come up to me and said, “Al K Hall, my kids just aren’t taking to vodka as quickly as I did at their age. What can I do to get them on the bottle sooner?”

Ok, no one has ever come up to me and asked me that question, but if they did, here’s what i’d answer…

But before we get into that, i have a little song for you from the juiced-box, to get you in the mood. Korpiklaani – Vodka

Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

10 Vodkas Your Toddlers Will Eat Up

1. Peanut Butter & Jelly vodka

Kiddy Vodka 01PB&J Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

No crusts in here

2. Cookie Dough vodka

Kiddy Vodka 02 Cookie Dough Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

For when real raw cookie dough doesn’t make you sick enough

3. Chocolate Covered Pretzel vodka

Kiddy Vodka 03 Chocolate Pretzel Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Everyone’s go-to junk food, am i right?

4. S’mores vodka

Kiddy Vodka 04 S'more Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Good for getting drunk on right next to a roaring bonfire

5. Cotton Candy vodka

Kiddy Vodka 05 Cotton Candy Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Will stick to the toilet bowl, not your fingers

6. Bubble Gum vodka

Kiddy Vodka 06 Bubble Gum Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Now no one can burst your bubble

7. Red Liquorice vodka

Kiddy Vodka 07 Red Liquorice  Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Liquor-ice

8. Fluffed Marshmallow vodka

Kiddy Vodka 08 Marshmallow  Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

A new way to get toasted

9. Buttered Popcorn vodka

Kiddy Vodka 09 Buttered Popcorn  Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Quieter for the movies

And if you want extra butter

Autumn Butter vodka

Kiddy Vodka 09 Butter Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

666: The number of the eats

10. Root Beer Float vodka

Because you need something to drink to wash all of these down…

Kiddy Vodka 10 Root Beer Float Vodka (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Sink or Swim

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Harry Styles Exes Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the Photo for a Wallpaper

Dregs: Hairy Styles

Harry Styles Exes Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the Photo for a Wallpaper

Harry Styles’ Exes in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Photo for a Wallpaper

There’s only one direction to go from here and that’s further down. Read on to see exactly what Harry styles. (Hint: it’s puke.)

Here’s a ditty NOT from my juiced-box, dedicated to Harry and his Exes: One Direction – Up All Night

[Click on the link to find out why Harry was Up All Night. Hint: He was puking.]

Hairy Styles Cannot Hold His Liquor

The proof is, he keeps throwing it up all over the place.

There’s this English kid called Hairy Styles which sounds more like a fashion statement than a name but that’s how they roll in jolly olde England. If you’ve never heard of this guy don’t worry, i haven’t either. My ignorance isn’t all that surprising, though, when you realize i know everything there is to know about good music.

The reason i’m babbling on about this kid is because this photo was splattered all over the front page of the Internet a while back. Seems Hairy had to pull over and stomach sneeze.

Harry Styles vomit puke 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Harry Styles vomit puke 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

At first i thought he’d been innocently listening to the radio when all of a sudden one of his own songs came on and, before he could change the station, he heard enough of it to make him hurl. Turns out there was a contributing factor. In addition to getting sick on his own tunes, he also had a hangover from drinking the night before with Lily Allen at the Nice Guy Bar in LA.

Harry Styles after the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Harry Styles after the Bar None

My assumption that his music was to blame is understandable, though, when you realize the effect One Direction’s “songs” (and i use the term as loosely as a whore’s vagina after giving birth at a donkey show) have on humanity at large. For example, check out these poor, impressionable young things that accidentally heard One Direction…

One Direction fans 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

The music is killing us from the inside!!!!!

One Direction fans 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“Oh my god, mom! They raped my ears with their limp penis pop!”

One Direction fans 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I’m ruined for life! I can’t un-hear it! I CAN’T UNHEAR IT!”

One Direction fans 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“You have a One Direction Ringtone!? Make It Staaahhhppp!!!!”

One Direction fans 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“The noises you make are making me vomit!!!”

One Direction fans 05 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“My ears! My ears! Clean them with bleach!!!”

One Direction fans 06 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“How much pain can one girl bear!? I just got my period and now this!”

Which is not to say all girls hate the band, but One Direction fans are a special breed.

One Direction Psycho 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Psycho 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Psycho 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

And collectively, these fan girls have formed the Nutsy party with the intention of eliminating all traces of good music from the planet with an ordered and systematic final solution. They’ve even given an old salute a modern twist to hail their leader.

One Direction Nutsy salute 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Nutsy salute 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Nutsy salute 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Nutsy salute 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

But if you’re a One Direction fan and would like to date one of the members of this boys bandwagon, look at the following photographs of Hairy Styles’ exes and ask yourself: 1) Am I that hot? 2) Do I drink that much? If the answer to either is “No”, then send me an email with a naked picture of yourself (or at least topless) and then we’ll see which direction we go.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Cara Delevingne 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Taylor Swift 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Taylor Swift in the Bar None

Kendall Jenner

Kendall Jenner 01 see through (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kendall Jenner 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kendall Jenner in the Bar None

Kimberly StewartKimberly Stewart 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kimberly Stewart 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kimberly Stewart in the Bar None

Caggie Dunlop

Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a Wallpaper (AlKHall Dregs Bar None)

Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Emily Atack

Emily Atack 00 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Emily Atack 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Emily Atack in the Bar None

Emily Ostilly

Emma Ostilly 00 (AlKHall Bar None dregs)

Emma Ostilly 000 outside the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None dregs)

Emma Ostilly outside the Bar None

Felicity Skinner

Felicity Skinner (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Felicity Skinner in the Bar None(AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Felicity Skinner in the Bar None

Kara Rose Marshall

Kara Rose Marshall (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None

Caroline Flack

Caroline Flack 00 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Caroline Flack in the Bar None

Bar None Dregs

Let me take a moment now to raise a glass of Pepsi Max and and drink a dry toast to Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). A few years ago he started his little blog where he imitated my writing style (the sick bastard), and after a few emails, i encouraged him to be his gay self and press on. Well, last week was the first week that WTF!? (Watch the Film) surpassed this blog in total readers, so i want to congratulate him on well deserved success. And to take some credit for it. And to tell him now he has to start promoting the shit out of this blog, for a change.

His latest review is…

WTF!? review of Behaving Badly

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Bar None Drawers

Prints to share with your friends and Facebook page

Wrong Direction (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

One Direction meme 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 05 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

What lies beyond is even more NSFW than the shit you just saw.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Cara Delevingne 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Cara Delevingne 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Taylor SwiftTaylor Swift 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Taylor Swift 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Taylor Swift 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kendall Jenner

Kendall Jenner 00 see through (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kimberly Stewart

Kimberly Stewart 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Emily Atack

Emily Atack 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze) Emily Atack 02 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze) Emily Atack 03 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Caggie DunlopCarrie Dunlop 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Carrie Dunlop 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Emma Ostilly

Emma Ostilly 01 (AlKHall Bar None dregs) Emma Ostilly 02 (AlKHall Bar None dregs)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

04 Drunk Dip (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

10 Alternate Uses of Powdered Alcohol

(9 if you don’t include the one everyone already though of.) Palcohol, powered alcohol for the movers and martini shakers out there, is trying to get approval. Staying on top of things is what i do (until i get pushed off, anyway) and in keeping with that tradition, i’ve already thought of 10 alternate uses for powdered booze.

1. Snort it

01 Nose (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Smells Like Teen Spirits

2. Spice your Food with it

02 Spice (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Spice is the variety of life

3. Powder your Milk with it

03 Milk (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

I’ll have a double

4. Eat it like Candy

04 Drunk Dip (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Sugar Buzz

5. Bottle it as Sand Art

05 Sandy's Bar (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

It’s not tacky if it can get you drunk

6. Wear it as Body Glitter

06 What many users will be saying (AlKHall Dregs)

What many users will have in common

7. Make a Zen Garden with it

07 Zen Garden (AlKHall Dregs)

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, booze is the difference.” – Brewda

8. Line your Glass with it

08 Beer Salt (AlKHall Dregs)

A Rim Shot

9. Use it as a Mixer

09 Mixer (AlKHall Dregs)

Double Hit: Mix instant whiskey with whiskey

10. Brush your Teeth with it

10 Toothpaste (AlKHall Dregs)

For Alcohol On Your Breath

Other Top 10 Lips


7 reasons 02 (AlKHall Bar None)

7 *Real* Reasons You Will Never Succeed

7 reasons 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

You know me, i’m not gonna lie to you or if i do, i’ll tell you first or just right after. Unfortunately, there are fuck tons of people out there who are going to lie to you and the only reason they’re doing it is to farm your ‘Likes’ on their Facebook pages.

On this one chick’s Facebook page, i saw a link to a piece called “7 Reasons Why You Will Never Do Anything Amazing With Your Life“. i go there and it’s pretty much average motivational crap stuck under a provocative headline to get your attention and to make you believe you’re not good enough.

7 reasons 03 (AlKHall Bar None)

Check this, i could do the same fucking thing and i’ll even time my ass to show you how easy this kind of article is.

Titillating title: 7 Reasons You Will Never Know True Love

  1. You don’t love yourself
  2. You look in the wrong places
  3. You can’t let go of your past
  4. You have too many criteria
  5. You don’t know how to recognize love
  6. You don’t laugh out loud enough
  7. You are too focused on yourself

There you go. That took me 01:41. One minute and 41.4 seconds to write that outline.

Before you start saying, “But Al, Raymmar Tirado’s tips weren’t as simple and ordinary as yours,” imma call bullshit.

You know what he wrote in his article? “You don’t ask enough questions,” “you don’t read enough books”… shit like that. You don’t know how much i read, Rainman, and reading a book a day still won’t guarantee me the Nobel Peace Prize. Hell, how many pictures do you see of Jesus reading books? He did some amazing shit and the only question he asked was, “Why me, Lord?” when the hung his ass on the cross.

7 reasons 02 (AlKHall Bar None)

Plus, who is Raymmar Tirado to tell us what to do? Like he’s an expert on doing amazing things. Have you ever heard of his amazing ass? i haven’t. The only amazing thing he’s done in his life is to write that piece of shit article telling you that suck.

Like i said up at the top, i won’t lie to you like Rayman did. i’m all about the coming clean, so here are the 7 Real Reason You Will Never Succeed

1. You are not rich enough

7 reasons 04 Rich (AlKHall Bar None)

2. You were born in the wrong class

7 reasons 05 Class (AlKHall Bar None)

3. You did not go to the right university

7 reasons 06 University (AlKHall Bar None)

4. You do not have the right connections

7 reasons 07 Connections (AlKHall Bar None)

5. You have a moral compass

7 reasons 08 Moral Compass (AlKHall Bar None)

6. You have family and friends you care about

7 reasons 09 Friends (AlKHall Bar None)

7. You do amazing things every day

7 reasons 10 Amazing (AlKHall Bar None)

Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Merry Christmas to ALL, and to all a good high

Bar None Christmas 01 AlKHall

So much WTF

‘Tis the season of my annual Bar None Christmas post, where we all gather around the monitor and roast our nuts on the fire of my love for you. i hope that you got everything you wanted because i did: your presence today is all the presents i need.

As of right now, 601 of y’all have found your way into the Bar None on this most auspicious of days and i’m here to thank you for thinking of me, especially today. For those of you who aren’t reading this, Santa has a special message for you, too.

Bar None Christmas 16 AlKHall

Add to that number of patronizers one more because i’m here with you, thanking you for taking the time to pop in and i’mma try to make it worth your while.

Thank you for patronizing me and hoping you’ll patronize me even more next year.

Enough of the the words, lets get to the gifts.

Bar None Christmas 02 AlKHall

Want more holiday spirits? Click here for Posts of Christmas Past

Wait, before you go, wanna see me put the ‘X’ in ‘X-mas’? Click below the belt to get into my drawers because, unlike Christmas, you can come more than once a year.

Santa Belt Bar None Dregs

Bar None Drawers

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