Harry Styles Exes Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the Photo for a Wallpaper

Dregs: Hairy Styles

Harry Styles Exes Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the Photo for a Wallpaper

Harry Styles’ Exes in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Photo for a Wallpaper

There’s only one direction to go from here and that’s further down. Read on to see exactly what Harry styles. (Hint: it’s puke.)

Here’s a ditty NOT from my juiced-box, dedicated to Harry and his Exes: One Direction – Up All Night

[Click on the link to find out why Harry was Up All Night. Hint: He was puking.]

Hairy Styles Cannot Hold His Liquor

The proof is, he keeps throwing it up all over the place.

There’s this English kid called Hairy Styles which sounds more like a fashion statement than a name but that’s how they roll in jolly olde England. If you’ve never heard of this guy don’t worry, i haven’t either. My ignorance isn’t all that surprising, though, when you realize i know everything there is to know about good music.

The reason i’m babbling on about this kid is because this photo was splattered all over the front page of the Internet a while back. Seems Hairy had to pull over and stomach sneeze.

Harry Styles vomit puke 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Harry Styles vomit puke 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

At first i thought he’d been innocently listening to the radio when all of a sudden one of his own songs came on and, before he could change the station, he heard enough of it to make him hurl. Turns out there was a contributing factor. In addition to getting sick on his own tunes, he also had a hangover from drinking the night before with Lily Allen at the Nice Guy Bar in LA.

Harry Styles after the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Harry Styles after the Bar None

My assumption that his music was to blame is understandable, though, when you realize the effect One Direction’s “songs” (and i use the term as loosely as a whore’s vagina after giving birth at a donkey show) have on humanity at large. For example, check out these poor, impressionable young things that accidentally heard One Direction…

One Direction fans 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

The music is killing us from the inside!!!!!

One Direction fans 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“Oh my god, mom! They raped my ears with their limp penis pop!”

One Direction fans 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I’m ruined for life! I can’t un-hear it! I CAN’T UNHEAR IT!”

One Direction fans 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“You have a One Direction Ringtone!? Make It Staaahhhppp!!!!”

One Direction fans 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“The noises you make are making me vomit!!!”

One Direction fans 05 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“My ears! My ears! Clean them with bleach!!!”

One Direction fans 06 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“How much pain can one girl bear!? I just got my period and now this!”

Which is not to say all girls hate the band, but One Direction fans are a special breed.

One Direction Psycho 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Psycho 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Psycho 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

And collectively, these fan girls have formed the Nutsy party with the intention of eliminating all traces of good music from the planet with an ordered and systematic final solution. They’ve even given an old salute a modern twist to hail their leader.

One Direction Nutsy salute 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Nutsy salute 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Nutsy salute 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction Nutsy salute 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

But if you’re a One Direction fan and would like to date one of the members of this boys bandwagon, look at the following photographs of Hairy Styles’ exes and ask yourself: 1) Am I that hot? 2) Do I drink that much? If the answer to either is “No”, then send me an email with a naked picture of yourself (or at least topless) and then we’ll see which direction we go.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Cara Delevingne 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Taylor Swift 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Taylor Swift in the Bar None

Kendall Jenner

Kendall Jenner 01 see through (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kendall Jenner 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kendall Jenner in the Bar None

Kimberly StewartKimberly Stewart 00 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kimberly Stewart 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kimberly Stewart in the Bar None

Caggie Dunlop

Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a Wallpaper (AlKHall Dregs Bar None)

Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Emily Atack

Emily Atack 00 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Emily Atack 000 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Emily Atack in the Bar None

Emily Ostilly

Emma Ostilly 00 (AlKHall Bar None dregs)

Emma Ostilly 000 outside the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None dregs)

Emma Ostilly outside the Bar None

Felicity Skinner

Felicity Skinner (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Felicity Skinner in the Bar None(AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Felicity Skinner in the Bar None

Kara Rose Marshall

Kara Rose Marshall (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None

Caroline Flack

Caroline Flack 00 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Caroline Flack in the Bar None

Bar None Dregs

Let me take a moment now to raise a glass of Pepsi Max and and drink a dry toast to Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). A few years ago he started his little blog where he imitated my writing style (the sick bastard), and after a few emails, i encouraged him to be his gay self and press on. Well, last week was the first week that WTF!? (Watch the Film) surpassed this blog in total readers, so i want to congratulate him on well deserved success. And to take some credit for it. And to tell him now he has to start promoting the shit out of this blog, for a change.

His latest review is…

WTF!? review of Behaving Badly

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Bar None Drawers

Prints to share with your friends and Facebook page

Wrong Direction (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

One Direction meme 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) One Direction meme 05 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

What lies beyond is even more NSFW than the shit you just saw.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Cara Delevingne 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Cara Delevingne 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Taylor SwiftTaylor Swift 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Taylor Swift 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs) Taylor Swift 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kendall Jenner

Kendall Jenner 00 see through (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kimberly Stewart

Kimberly Stewart 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Emily Atack

Emily Atack 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze) Emily Atack 02 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze) Emily Atack 03 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Caggie DunlopCarrie Dunlop 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Carrie Dunlop 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Emma Ostilly

Emma Ostilly 01 (AlKHall Bar None dregs) Emma Ostilly 02 (AlKHall Bar None dregs)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

The Hot Rod Unloads: When the world ends, I have dibs on the booze.

You’re gonna need a pick-me-up track from the Juiced Box this time out. And for a genuine legendary pick-me-up, you can’t go past Bob Marley.

I know, I know, it’s been a while since I had anything to say here at The Bar None. Pull up a stool and I’ll ignore your whining. Normally, my kind words of comfort and sympathy to the lesser individuals amongst us wash against your tired, drunken brain like vomit swirling around the bottom of the toilet. I’ve left you all alone for a while now, safe in the warm, molesting hands of our favorite barkeep, young Al. But I’ve held my tongue too long, far too long against the oncoming tide since I last put finger to keyboard and delivered a rant like no other to those I see as betrayers of the human condition. Something’s been pissing me off for a long time now, something brewing bigger than a vat of German ale at Oktoberfest. Forgive me if this gets a little…. political… or “real”, but for fucks sake, don’t you just want to scream?

It’s pretty fuckin’ obvious that the world is damn near screwed. Not just one-night-stand screwed, I mean bang a bus full of football hooligans for a buck kinda screwed. Royally reamed, bent over and inserted with something sharp, solid, and cold. Yeah, you say, this is gonna be about that Kardashian slag, right? About how her IMDB bio got fucked with by some smartass with more balls than a bus full of women screwing a football hooligan. Wait, that’s not right. It’s wrong. That’s not what I’m on about here.

Apparently, money’s main weakness is lightning…

I want to talk to you about finance. Money. And how we’re all royally screwed. A rant about corporate greed, corruption and how that stupid Zuckerberg has the scrotum to put an internet company up for public float and make all his employees multimillionaires. I just want you to know, Zuckerberg, if I ever bump in to you on a dark night in a park somewhere, when the street lamps have blown and all you have for company is a wino sleeping on a bench covered with the sports section, I’m gonna fuck you up say some stuff that’ll probably make you cry. So you have a net worth higher than the GDP of India if the GDP of India was like a gazillion rupee, does that mean I have to swallow your damn arrogant smile as you make even more from conning the public?

We typed “Mark Zuckerberg” into Google and this is the only picture that came up.

Before I get off topic and into a Zuckerberg rant, let’s just say I’m a little pissed at how badly our world economy is traveling. And if this isn’t enough to make people take up boozin’ to get past it, then nothing will. Let’s look at some facts, okay? – I know, they’re a rarity round these parts, but let’s fucking look anyway. Europe, to clarify my earlier statement, is – for want of a better word – screwed. The bottom’s fallen out of the market in the majority of the major Euro players – Ireland, Spain, Portugal and Greece are all abso-lutely rooted. And by rooted, I mean that not in a supportive context, but the kind of context you’d find in a bestiality porno. Greece especially looks like dragging the world down into some kind of mega-depression, from what the news reports say. Now, I normally drink through the opening twenty minutes of our local news service, so I can spend more time finding the sporting highlight hilarious, but of late I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in those opening twenty minutes of whatever they normally gab on about. Greece, and a whole bunch of other Euro Zone countries (what, is that like the opposite of the End Zone or something?) look like they’re struggling to repay some kind of debt, and now they’re having to introduce something called “austerity measures” to keep the budget in check…. in other words, the Big End Of Town got a little loose with the cash, so now the Little People are gonna have to eat bread and chips for a generation to pay for it. Or something like that. So you have a bunch of Greek politicians being voted in… voted out… voted back in…. resigning…. being voted back in again… like a roundabout of folks who want to be in charge but don’t want to fix anything. Sounds like me on a Sunday afternoon when the wife tells me to get out and mow the lawn…. chuckle….

You wouldn’t like him when he’s hungry.

Then there’s America. Big frickin’ America, so proud of itself it can’t see where it’s stuck its own head right up its ass and is eating its own poo. Apparently, and I’m not just making this up, America owes like half of its firstborn children to the Chinese. Kid you not. Most of America is damn near owned entirely by China – a country who about thirty years ago couldn’t even keep people out of a square somewhere without needing to bring in the tanks. (Too soon?) America’s been fighting two wars at the same time (which, I admit, was pretty cool at the start but now looks stupid) and they’ve spent more on their military budget than they can afford – which brings us to their stupid “debt ceiling”. You mean, there’s a limit to debt? Holy Christ in a handbasket, does that mean we’ll see some fiscal responsibility from the Yanks in order to keep their budget and house in order? No siree, just fire up the good old Constitution and vote to increase the level of debt America can handle, and that’ll solve a world of problems, right? Instead, didn’t somebody ask the question: “if it doesn’t matter how much debt we have, why do we even have a debt ceiling?”. Good fucking question, man.

Tossing about new taglines for currency, we came up with this little effort.

Imagine if I walked into the Bar None and decided I’d rack up a tab which was more than I earned in a week. I couldn’t pay that tab, but I came back a week later and did the same thing again, increasing my debt to Al but still being unable to pay him back completely. And I do this same thing week in, week out. I’m pretty sure Al would back me up when I say that that’s a shitty way to do business, but if you wanna tie everything up in a pretty bow so the uneducated can understand it, that’s pretty close to what the US has been doing. Apparently, it doesn’t matter how much they owe to anybody, because they can simply print more money or something and make their problems go away with a war. It’s enough to make a poor guy drink, isn’t it?

Because whining about something will always get you what you want.

China and the rest of Asia (aside from Japan, who are currently the Switzerland of Asian finance on account of a fricking nuclear problem and some kinda earthquake) have strong economies, so strong in fact that the rest of the world is, very soon, going to have to rely on them completely for financial strength. Down here in Australia, about the only industry we have outside of Russell Crowe is our mining industry, chugging away selling our valuable minerals to a bunch of people who still censor the internet. Fuck you Google, they say, and Google says okay I’ll go get fucked. Stupid Google. The mining industry to China is worth billions upon billions to our national economy, much the same way call centers are worth the same to the Indian economy. So if China was to suddenly pull the plug on mining in Australia, this little Hot Rod might be typing his next post via the ankle of a carrier pigeon. The Western World has got itself into a pretty shaky position, it would seem, and yet young people are still going out drinking instead of learning Mandarin, which we should all know when the new world order begins in a few years.

The scariest graph you’ll ever see…

I jest, but seriously, has anybody in charge actually sat back and wondered if we shouldn’t just let it all go to shit? Let the Greeks stick with a financial system which is obviously working out so well for them? Let the Euro Zone collapse and plunge the world into a financial collapse so massive it’d make the Great Depression look like a smoko break out the back of work? Right now, there’s a bunch of banking tossers running between their multi-million dollar corporate offices wondering how in the hell they’ll keep their hedge funds and investment deals that allow them the pleasure of swanning about the Mediterranean on the triple-level yacht their wife wanted, smoking cigars and banging a bunch of low-level Euro-trash hookers. I hope they choke on their heroin caviar, because it’s those wankers who’ve got us all into this mess. Yeah, I could blame my need for a 50″ plasma or a six bedroom house when I only need one with three, and how my capitalist lifestyle has simply added fuel to the fire of the impending Western Collapse, but like any good capitalist, I’m gonna try and avoid blame by making it someone else’s problem.

I know where all HER debt is hiding….

So why not let it all go – let the world economy reset to zero like we all thought it would on Y2K? No doubt it’s because the missing-tooth brigade in America’s deep south might say it’s all Osama Bin Laden’s fault (because even in death, that fucker’s still screwing with us all), and then there’d be some holy war between the Westboro Baptist Church and the Islamic Religion like we all hope will happen (seriously, I’d pay to see that) ending in some kind of apocalypse. If we all did revert back to the stone age of economic ruin, though, I guarantee there’s one thing that would make it easier to bear.

We’ll find any reason to put a pic of Kim Kardashian sucking something up here at the Bar None.

Booze. If we all do end up circling the drain of banking misconduct, thanks to the sackless wonders currently running the financial markets, I wanna make sure it’s on public record that I’m gonna be stashing a whole bunch of booze out the back of my house. I suggest you do the same. It’s gonna make fantasizing about that stupid Kardashian cow a whole lot easier when the world ends.

Thanks-Given

A little shout out to my American patronizers on this their day of thanks.

i’d like to take a moment out here to thank y’all today for showing up and joining the growing ranks (or is that “stench”?) of patronizers. We appreciate your presence and the time you’ve taken out of your day to be here.

As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’d like to remind you that i am nothing if not Thankful for your patronizing me. To prove that to you, here’s some gifts you guys can get all thankful about.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

NSFW Drunk & Demotivated – Click At Own Risk

Continue reading

Robert Downey Jr Wants You…

to forgive Mel Gibson.

From the juiced-box and Mel Gibson’s heart: Evanescence – Forgive Me

[Press ‘Play’ to hear Amy Lee make the same demands as Mel Gibson, only better]

You know me (and if you don’t there’s a cure for that), i’m all about the RDJr. A talented actor who hit the kind of bottoms that kill most people, he went into recovery and came back shining like a beacon to souls lost at sea, without losing any of the edge that makes him one of the best actors of his generation. A person who can serve as an example in both their personal and professional lives is like a Gucci life saver: priceless and feels good to have around you.

This Guy's Ready For Anything

The short version of this is that if Downey asked me to chew off my own balls with Amy Winehouse’s rotting teeth, i’d ask if he wanted me to start with the right or the left love bulb.

Which makes it very tough and more than a little hypocritical of me to say i won’t forgive Mel Gibson.

Especially hypocritical because in my Al K Hall Anonymous blog i’m all about the compassion: self compassion, compassion for others, a round of compassion on me for everyone all the way around.

Why am i holding out on some compassion for Mel, you so rightly ask?

Is it because he’s displayed anti-Semitic behavior more than once, and my children are Jewish? Is it because he’s beaten his wife, driven drunk, and demonstrated prejudice towards black people? What about threatening to burn down his children’s home while they slept inside it?

No. i, myself, know too well the gut shot burn of shame inflicted by going off half cocked. i have executed far too many wrongs to say someone else isn’t right, committed too many sins to be holier than thou, behaved far too criminally against others to judge anyone.

No. The thing i can’t look past is his future.

i don’t see him taking any steps to ensure these errors don’t happen again. i  hit some ugly bottoms myself and i continue to make mistakes in my sobriety, but i’m in recovery and actively working a 12-step program daily. Mel Gibson goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings drunk.

What i need to see from Mel Gibson is less contrition and more contribution. More action and less acting.

i’ll honor Robert Downey Jr’s request and forgive Mel Gibson when Mel Gibson starts acting more like Robert Downey Jr.

Until then, i forgive Robert Downey Jr for asking me to forgive Mel Gibson.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Finally, an Al K Hall original from the Bar None‘s Drunk and Demotivated page…