My patronizers over at WordPress threw up this at me and i figured i’d share it with y’all because i’m the tender bartender here and this gives me the opportunity to thank you guys once again for stopping by and making this blog a place i look forward to coming to and hopefully you do, too. Almost 1.5 million patronizers…i’m awed by your generosity, desperation and bad taste. Thank you from the bottom of my barrel.
Here’s an excerpt:
About 55,000 tourists visit Liechtenstein every year. This blog was viewed about 1,400,000 times in 2012. If it were Liechtenstein, it would take about 25 years for that many people to see it. Your blog had more visits than a small country in Europe!
So far there are 1,802 of y’all who’ve strolled into the Bar None to pass some time on Christmas, and you can add one more to that number because i’m here with you, to thank you for spending some of your time on this day of all days to share with us. Whatever your age, sexy, race, religion, hell, whatever your reason i’m proud that you came by, and i thank you for patronizing me.
From the juiced-box: Corey Taylor – X-M@$
[Press 'Play' for "If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas"]
How do we celebrate X-mAss in the Bar None? Like everywhere else in the world, only better.
1. We drink a tree
Yule Get Drunk
2. We go nativity
God said, “Let there be Lite.”
3. We get the family Christmas carded
Mom likes “Do You Hear What I Fear?” Carol prefers “Fuck the Halls”
4. We go bar shopping
“I’ll take a family-sized buzz, please.”
5. We give the gifts that keep giving up
Grandma Liks Baking
6. We try to survive the day after
What A Pisser
7. We bring the Big Man
We also get a visit from Santa Claus, but in the Bar None it’s better because we get more than one.
Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
2. Toys for Neither
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
i’ve decided to start a tradition, if “tradition” means fucking up the same way twice. Which it does. So i’m taking down last year’s dead meat and hanging up some fresh shit for ’tis the season to be drunk.
From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Zombie
[Press 'Play' for a song that will make you cum to life]
To kick things off in the ass, here’s something i can’t believe has not yet caught on.
How has this not become a thing?
Concerning my dressing, this year i’ve decided to come as…much as possible. Here are some other killer costumes.
Tired of the question “What will you come as?” when you’re not sex role playing? Tired of being yourself and yet still don’t know what you want to be this year for Halloween? You’ve come to the right Bar None.
i’ve assembled a list of celebrity Halloween costumes to inspire you and, after some hemming (and hawing), i think i’ve got it all sewn up. Here, then, are ten Halloween costumes worn by actual celebrities that we can pattern ourselves after.
From the juiced-box and to get you in the mood, Marilyn Manson – This Is Halloween.
[Press 'Play' for Manson's cover of the Danny Elfman song from Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas]
1. Justin Bieber Going as “A Male”
Justin Bieber Dressed Up As A Boy
Ahh, Justin Cider, you’re still my favorite lesbian. Bielibe that.
[Before you get all up in my shit about how politically incorrect i am, please read the disclaimer at the end of this post.]
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Rihanna: Big Sean feat. Chris Brown – My Last
[Press 'Play' to hear Chris Brown sing, "And I'm a hit this drink up like it's my last, I'm a hit this night up like it's my last, I'm a hit this ass up, like it's my last"]
i didn’t tell y’all before because i’m telling you now.
i’m dating Rihanna.
Not right this second, but i’m dating her pretty soon and i can make this statement with a certain certitude because i’m convinced with a conviction as strong as Chris Brown’s that Rihanna’s got the necessary amount of stupid it takes to date me.
Don’t even try to tell me you don’t know what i’m talkin’ about, either. Haters be hatin’ and players be playin’ but don’t go doin’ neither on my ass, yo, ’cause you know damn well you saw the video where Chris Brown talks about how how hard it is to be in love with two ladies women at the same time and if you didn’t it’s at the top of this post.
The rumors have it that Rihanna is going to take Chris back and why the hell wouldn’t she?
Chris Brown on Rihanna: “I’d Hit That.”
i already told you like a month ago about how she’s got a drinking problem and hell, the first thing the ‘real’ Chris Brown says in that video is that he’s drunk and even in that fucking song he says first he’s gonna hit the bottle and then he’s gonna hit that ass.
So the mutual enabling for alcoholism is a giant thumbs up your ass and the codependency is all systems go to hell. Plus Chris Brown practiced not beating up a girl for one year and, to top it all off, Rihanna will chant the mantra of beaten and abused women across the country, “He’s changed, he said he’s sorry…”
You know what, though? Rihanna ain’t never gonna date my sorry ass and here’s why. i would never hit on her…
Just one thing before you go ballistic on me. i wrote this post out of anger that any woman would consider getting back together with the man who abused her. i have absolutely no sympathy for abusers, and while i understand the mechanics of this kind of relationship are complicated, they’re really not. Someone beats you, you leave and you don’t look back and you certainly don’t go fucking back to them so they can do it again.
For those of you who would say abusers can change, i’ll say “Good for them, they still deserve to be deserted as punishment for their heinous acts.”
For those of you who would point the finger at me and say maybe then i don’t deserve forgiveness for some of the asshole things i did while i was still a practicing alcoholic, i agree 100 fucking percent. If you’re one of the people i hurt through my drinking, i totally get that you would not want to forgive me and don’t blame you at all. If you are not one of these people, don’t judge me until you’ve puked a mile in my booze.
For those of you who would say that all this shit isn’t my business, i’ll stop posting this kind of commentary when Rihanna stops tweeting about her relationships and Chris Brown stops pretending to be real in the video messages he posts on fucking YouTube. Until that time, alls fair in drugs and whores.
OK, now you can go ballistic on me.
Bar None Dregs
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
There She Goes, Pissed America… Rima Fakih Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Long time no dregs, so i’m back with a flash to look at some drunk ass shit going down in the world. Miss Drunk USA comes in both small and medium sizes, a drunk guy can’t get something off his chest, Amber Bynes is still drunk and has become Scout Willis’s rock ‘n’ roll model, plus Matthew Fox who played Jack on Lost still is.
Speaking of Jack, here’s Jack Johnson – Red Wine, Mistakes, Mythology
[Press 'Play' to 'take a piece of the sun and drink some']
A toast to my brother from another drunkard, In The Same Boat, who brought this little bit of tid to my attention.
i’m allergic to exercise. Serious. Every time i try it, i sweat profusely and my heart rate increases and my breathing becomes labored so now all i do is watch TV because nothing bad happens to me that way. i’m also allergic to booze. It makes me break out in stupid. Mixing these? Are you on bath salts and after a little face time?
Apparently Chris Bailey, who used to be 28, was. He drank with his landlord in England until 3am when the landlord went to bed, but when the landlord woke up he saw the front door open and the garage light on and found Chris couldn’t handle the pressure…of the weights he’d been drunk lifting. Chris had been working out in the early morning and was dead, crushed by the weights he was lifting trying to lift. Look on the bright side, Chris, at least you’ll be the burliest mother fucker in heaven. Maybe not in hell, though–they got lots and lots of burly fucks in hell– so let’s hope you’re going to heaven.
Here’s another reason, like you need one, not to lift weights.
Female Weightlifters’ Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Y’all remember Amanda Bynes from that one post where i told you about her so drunk driving that she crashed into a fucking police car? When she was so fucking drunk she refused every kind of test they could throw up at her? Of course you don’t remember because you were so into the photos that you forgot how to read but i’m here to remind you.
Guess what? She just went to fucking court drunk and i’m not even kidding because she pleaded innocent. After she hit a police car. And refused every drunk test that exists. The only logical explanation for her innocent plea is that she was so drunk her lawyer caught a contact buzz off her breath and oozed all the shit she wanted him to.
Go ahead and think i’m kidding because i know you and that’s what you’re thinking but how else do you explain her tweeting Obama himself to have her arresting deputy fired? If that’s not drunk tweeting i don’t know what is, and trust me, i know what is.
There seems to be a rash and not just the one that itches me late at night when it rains but one of minors getting arrested for underage drinking. For example “Boy” Scout Willis was popped like a cherry for underage drinking and identity theft because she had a fake ID (how much you wanna bet it was Michelle Rodriguez’s driver’s license she lost at some Tijuana strip club during a drunken lap dance for Rumer Willis?).
Scout Willis isn’t a Minor, Her Parents are Too Famous
Adding to that rash is minor starlettes pleading Not Guilty by Reason of Infamity, i.e. too almost famous to have a record for drinking crimes. i rest my case in point on my lap and will tell you that Scout “Jamboree” Willis pleaded innocent to her charges as well and told her Dad to Die Hard the court’s ass.
Here’s a Miss America i’m proud to have voted for. Rima Fakih (as in “Fakih, Fakih 10 dolla’) truly represents the intellectual cross section that is the U.S., especially how she gets pulled over drunk driving with an open bottle of French champagne and tries to get out of it by saying she’s Miss USA like it’s a real title and when that doesn’t work, she lies on Twitter about it by tweeting, “Wrong Rima Fakih” because the name ‘Rima Fakih’ is as common as … hmm, absolutely fuck all which is why i think she rocks and deserves to be Miss America. She reminds me a lot of some of the women i’ve dated in my life or at least dreamed of dating just like i dream of being with a Miss America so there you go, told you she was the right woman for the hand job.
Rima Fakih Drunk Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
BTW, for those of you who haven’t given up on this post yet (and god bless you for your courage), she was sentenced to 6 months probation and 20 hours community service which might have something to do with pole dancing, i’m not sure. It would go a long way to explaining the shots of her pole dancing i got stuffed in my drawers at the bottom of this post.
Not to be undone, Miss Teen Arizona 2010 (it was a very good year) decided to take it a step further by getting popped like a zit for DUI but this time, while only 18 years old. And just like that, the number one person in the world i wanna party with goes from Kirsten Dunst to Tori Vance.
Tori Vance Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
The cops pulled her over for puling an illegal u-ey and suspected she was drinking so they arrested her ass and the rest of her too but especially her ass and she hit just over 0.08% on the BAC which is the minimum to win a free trip to booking central.
There’s lots more drawer shots down there, Yo, after the “Continue reading…” link.
Does Matthew Fox have a drinking problem? He’s fucking married to a woman named “Margarita Raunch” (Margherita Ronch), people.
Matthew Fox, dashing good guy hero figure of TV’s Lost, continued his downward spiral by getting popped for a DUI recently and that’s not even the most interesting thing he’s ben in deep, deep, trouble for, because this is the guy who nearly went to the pokey for punching a vagina. Punching. A. Vagina. He hit below the belt after he had one, basically. Hey, i punched twats when i was drinking, and i even punched assholes, but i never ever punched a vadge, ask any of the cunts i know.
You know what it is and you don’t so i’ll tell you, it’s the Get Lost curse. Y’all are pro’lly too young to remember but way back in 2005 i talked about how Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros got bustedthe same freaking night for DUI. If you’re keeping score and you know i am, that makes three Losers Losties and here’s a toast to my being around Evangeline Lilly before she either gets busted with “the others” or Foxy punches her in her Evadgealina.
A Toast to Evangeline Lilly
So yeah, there are a lot more Foxy shots in my drawers with the rest of ‘em.
Bar None Dregs
Happy Father’s Day!
Father’s Day in the Bar None
That Saint Pauly kid posted another couple of his What The Fuck? Watch The Film reviews.
First up is Amber Heard’s abortion with John Carpenter, The Ward.
Then, just in time for Father’s Day, there’s Rebecca de Mornay’s Mother’s Day:
Regular readers of my posts here at the Bar None might know that I’m a two-time dad. Not a two-timing dad, I mean I’m a father of two young kids. Having kids, as those of you who do will attest, is about the greatest joy on Earth aside from getting shitface plastered on a Saturday night and ruining your Manolo Blahniks. Becoming a father for the second time recently, to a baby boy, reaffirmed my appreciation of all that women do in the process of conception (my favorite bit), pregnancy (fucking emotional hell) and eventually childbirth (fucking emotional awesome!). Now, I’m not gonna sprawl here and pretend I understand how women feel, or find some way of appreciating their pain and agony during the laboring and birthing process, because I’m not an idiot, and my wife knows where I live.
This isn’t some kind of women-bashing anti-feminist rant, no sir. Don’t get all high and mighty on that score! Women reserve the right forever to be pissed at the folks who caused them to endure such agony – fucking Adam and that stupid bitch Eve, when they got thrown out of the Garden of Eden. Apparently, upon the casting out, God told Eve that forevermore women would have endure immense agony during childbirth thanks to her gutless nibbling on a piece of fruit, so we can all thank the pair of them for what women now have to go through each time that sperm slams into the egg. If you believe in that, of course. Darwinism would have you subscribe to the theory that it’s a part of nature, and that enduring childbirth is some kind of throwback to natural selection in that only the strongest will survive. Darwin was a sadist, wasn’t he?
There was no WAY I was ready for THAT!
Whichever theory you subscribe to, there’s no denying the power and force of will of one pissed off mother. I recently had to bear witness to a little tete-a-tete at my daughters 3rd birthday party, where the wife of one of my cousins – let’s call her “Eve” for the sake of argument and a kind of serendipity – let fly on a fellow member of the fairer sex at the local play-gym we were holding the party at. Eve’s young son, who is normally pretty docile, was being pummeled by this older kid (not too much older, I’ll be honest) and not really responding – he’s a lover, not a fighter. Cain – that’s what we’ll call this kid – decided to simply walk away; a not entirely unexpected response considering the non-violence conditioning his uptight mother had instilled in him. However, several minutes later, this older kid returned to start beating up on Cain yet again, and this time Eve had had enough. Marching over to the older child, she grabbed his arm and gave him a stern reprimand to stay the hell away from her child. Almost immediately, the mother of the offending child was upon them, berating Eve for daring to touch her child and threatening to do all kinds of bodily harm because there’s no way her darling fucking pip would ever harm a fly.
What Rod looks like while writing for The Bar None.
Minutes passed, with neither female wanting to stand aside, until cooler heads (ie, the men standing about all agog) prevailed. Unfortunately, there was no jelly or mud and there was no pit to fight in, so a perfectly good opportunity for setting the women’s lib movement back again was missed. Following this confrontation, there was all manner of posturing and aggrandized glaring across the room, as both mothers tried to kill each other simply with their eyes. If looks could kill, there’d have been a homicide or two that day.
Let’s set the record straight – the mother of the older child, who for the sake of keeping this miniscule narrative going we’ll call Abel – was completely in the wrong. She claimed her child had been provoked – he hadn’t. She claimed Eve had assaulted her child – she hadn’t, she’d merely stopped him belting her son again. She claimed that Cain had started it first – wrong again, because I saw it all and I would stand on a pile of Nazi skulls and declare my allegiance to the Justice League that Cain was merely an innocent victim of “older kid bullying”.
These guys would make awesome parents, right?
Rod, you ask, what the fuck are you trying to say? I’ll tell you. Sometimes, women are so protective of their kids and their precious little reputations that they’ll blindly ignore even the most obvious wrongdoing in order to escape persecution. This incident highlights how society tells us that our precious little darlings and their upstart, no-care attitudes, and the “softly-softly” approach to parenting we’ve adopted because we’re afraid of being sued for child abuse has amounted to naught for the good of us all. Spoiled, do-no-wrong children will end up running this world; perhaps they already do, don’t they, politicians of the world? I’m all for mothers being protective of their spawn, yes even the devil-spawn we see screaming in the shopping malls on Sunday afternoons, their undiagnosed ADD running rampant as their mother, who turns a blind eye to the discomfort of fellow patrons, continues her quest to obtain the next sale item faster than anyone else. Girls, you know you do it. For Christ’s sake, control your fucking children. And learn to realize that they are not innocent darlings who never do anything wrong – in fact, more often they’re cheeky little shits you’d want to slap silly if it weren’t a crime.
I’ll admit that my daughter has definitely turned a little bratty in her 3rd year, and has been known to throw things in a tantrum from time to time. But for fucks sake, my wife and I would never let her get away with that kind of behavior. A behavior reinforced by an ignorant mother too stupid to actually parent her child when she can simply avoid it by pointing the blame at someone else and hoping nobody notices. Perhaps she’d been drinking.
Women fighting in The Bar None.
With all due respect to mothers out there, sometimes you women can get a little crazeeeee! The above incident is really tame compared to some of the stories you could Google and read for yourself. I’m okay with a mother getting upset if her child is wronged, harmed or caused pain. That’s to be expected – as a father, I feel the same way. What I’m not okay with are mothers who fly off at the drop of a hat with little consideration for things like… oh, the facts maybe? Go fuck a pineapple, I say to them. No, you have a little shit for a kid, not a little angel. That snot running down his face isn’t cute, it’s a fucking geyser of putrid germs and a potential epidemic, yet you insist on letting this sick kid play with other (quite well) children so that you can spread the disease about just so the little fuckstick can have five minutes of playtime.Your kid’s right to have a good time should not impede my kid’s right to not get his fucking head caved in by your kid’s bullying tactics.
Christmas of Awesome!!
In order to own a gun you need a license. You need a license to drive a car. You need a license to do just about anything in this damnable world, and yet they’ll let anyone with a cock or a vagina become a parent. No course to study for, no test run first: just up-the-duff and away you go. And let’s be honest: there’s a whole lot of people out there who should be anything but parents. Perhaps it’s time to instigate the old sci-fi classic cliche… people need a license to have children. Damn, that’d work wonders, wouldn’t it? How do some of these imbeciles even get their kids past infancy, I ask? Darwinism will win out eventually, I suspect, but there’s a hell of a lot of stupid, stupid parents getting about with no clue as to how to adequately raise a child. Perhaps parenting should be a class at school? Perhaps some kind of University Degree that comes with an ability to recognize the difference between what’s socially acceptable and what isn’t. Like wearing shoes, for example.
Give people all the guns in the world, but in return they have to bring their kids up to know what’s right and wrong. It should be fucking mandatory. Blame shifting and lazy parenting should be punished like we do to child abusers – because not parenting your child properly is almost the same, really – not teaching your little bundle of screeching joy to read and write is signing their social death warrant. About the only job they have an opportunity is to sweep the dregs from the piss-trough at the Bar None, because folks who can’t read or write (and thankfully none of them will be reading this!) can’t become a fucking heart surgeon, can they? Denying your child the right to a good life is as bad as kicking a puppy across the street. Deny that, liberal dickheads!
Parenting for Dummies?
I realize I’ve got to the end of this rant and have had a singular dearth of booze-related humor, and for that, I apologize. I just wanted to get this stuff off my chest. It’s bugged me for a while now, this bad parenting thing, and yet it’s taken until now for me to put my thoughts into words. Albeit not very succinct words, I admit. I have every respect for mothers, especially those who have had it rough, but having it rough is no excuse for slacking off on what is actually one of society’s most important jobs. To all those who insist we coddle our children and wrap them up in cotton-wool to protect them from the pedophiles and sex predators lurking on every street corner, this is the whirlwind of fucked-upedness you’ve sown for us all.
Parent your kids properly, or don’t fucking have any.