Jenna Jameson invents a whole new kind of Dirty Pole Dancing, James Bond gets rich drinking beer, and Kate Middleton, the already rich Princess of Tarts, would like to teach the world to drink. Then all kinda dregs are running round round baby in the Bar None dregs.
To kick things off, how ’bout something from the Juiced box and dedicated to Jenna Jameson: Airbourne – Cheap Wine & Cheaper Women.
[Press 'Play' for something like Jenna Jameson on a roller coaster...cheap thrills]
What do you call a Jubilee with no cherries? A Diamond Jubilee and they have them like every year in England. My favorite princess (well, after Clotilde Courau), Kate Middleton, invited everyone over to her palace to get them Royally drunk. i bet they served Crown Royal.
i crammed some shots of Kate into my drawers down there.
The news is out that 007% will now order a Heineken beer and not his dry martini in the next Bond movie that i’m not gonna name here because i’m against publicizing the shit that powers the powers that be.
At least it’s not cheap beer. Heineken paid the movie folk 45 million dollars for James to saddle up to the bar and order an “Icy Heinie, shaken then slurred. “
Of course all these Bond purists have their Miss Moneypanties in a wad because it’s not cricket, but i bet they wouldn’t have so many scruples if someone offered them $45,000,000 to drink a beer. Hell, i’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous for well over a year and i for sure could afford to fall off the wagon a little bit for 45 million. Anybody who tells you different doesn’t know what money is.
The category is: things porn stars do to poles. Award winning actress Jenna Jameson got to banging again last week except this time it was a telephone pole and that’s not even a euphemism. She hit the bottle and then the pole and she’s just wishing it was a strip pole. It doesn’t seem she rear ended it but she will no doubt be sore because she refused medical attention and went straight to the slam-her (yes, i did and i’ll do it again if i have to ).
She was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving because she smelled like the insides of Ron Jeremy’s Depends after he nurses his rum but she was in and out of the pokey faster than a premature incarceration. Anyway, i know y’all only read this for the wrecks, so here it is.
Jenna Jameson: After / Don’t Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper
Yeah, i got some extra shots of Jenna bulging out of my drawers down at the bottom of this mess.
From the intelligentsia that brought you eye shots and butt chugging…
Now, how many times have people called you a drunk asshole? How many times have you gotten drunk off your ass? Has anyone ever told you to take that drink and shove it up your ass? Guess what, now you can.
There’s a not so new fad that’s snaked its way into the back door of America’s youth and it comes in the form of a tampon. Apparently, you’re not anybody until you’ve doused a vampire’s teabag with vodka and wedged it up your rectum.
What will they think of next? Hopefully something that actually works because one journalist chick tried this for reals and said it just made her feel a little light headed, but i’m thinking that may just come from bending over in a toilet stall and trying to back a drunk driver up the Hershey highway.
Lindsay Lohan was spotted like a leopard in my Gramma’s yoga pants which is just where Henry Hopper wants her. His dad is the late Dennis Hopper and guess what, he’s so late he’s not even coming because he’s dead. To imagine that what grew from his man yeast is now out on a booze run with “Mo-han Full Is A Waste” must have Dennis rolling one in his grave.
Not to worry, Hop-Head, she wasn’t using him for his peen work but rather his puny arms because she bought more booze than she could carry, which is a lot because girl can hold her liquor until she starts hurling it at people.
Oh yes she did. Mrs Demeanor, otherwisely known as my wife, finally started that blog about being married to someone like me. She named it after our sex life, now what?, and you can get there by clicking on the link.
Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.
Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.
As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the
Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012
1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better
2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am
3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink
4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk
5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking
6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk
7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume
8. I Resolve Not To Go Native
9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around
10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed
BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:
Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don't Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
2. Toys for Neither
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You're Lap Is Wet, You're Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
i’m an asshole for writing this post. Seriously, a big fucking asshole because i support these Sorority Girls and i think what went down with these ladies (no, it wasn’t me) totally reeks to high heaven.
Let’s get the Before and After pics out of the way first.
Let this be a warning to all you blossoming young things out there everywhere. The lighting sucks in police stations so you don’t want to go getting your ass arrested because the photo will look totally like you without make up. Can i got an “Oh my god!” from y’all?
These 5 young ladies, i’ma call them the 5 Mouths (because it sounds more like a cause that way and they’re from Monmouth in a state called Illinois which is apparently not even close to Tennessee or Florida and i may have just poked my finger right smack dab in the problem right there) were out getting their buzz on because one of the things Sorority Girls like to blow off is steam. (Yeah, i can pretty much keep this up all night. Fair Warning.)
They were cruising around in an SUV with a designated driver, i’m sure, because every last girl was 21 or over except for the driver, who was 18. Anyway, i love these girl, every last one of them, so i’m sure they had a designated driver when they came across a nativity scene in a public square. “What’s a nativity scene?” you’re asking me you heathen sums a bitches? It’s one of those Baby Jesus sleeping with sheep while three guys in dresses stand next to him and watch scenes. Here, maybe this’ll help.
There you go. Now the baby girls were feeling a little Christmas joy spreading through their netherland regions because they’d been drowning their sororities in a bar before and they decided to pull the prank so hard it came to them that they should steal some of the Holy Meal Figurines and lay them on the lawn of the University President.
Remember how i said before the problem was that this happened in Illinois and not Florida (or Tennessee)? Because that’s this part right here. Some witness squealed like a Nativity Pig bringing Little Baby Jesus the bacon and told the cops that 5 babes in an SUV kidnapped the Nativity Scene and don’t even tell me you already forgot what that was. Here, it looks like this, ‘member?
The police found the girls and the SUV behind a Taco Bell which proves what upright citizens they are because girls who drink booze and eat at Taco Bell are the kinda women you want around when you need them. i respect this so much i’m not even going to spend the next 10 minutes thinking of as many Sorority Girl / Fish Taco jokes as i can like some twisted Boggle game gone horribly wrong.
Then you know what the 18-year-old designated driver does? She goes, “Can we give them back?” i mean look at her up there in the mugshots. She’s the second from the left all red eyed from bawling and shit. Like, i know, right!?
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
You know me (and if you don’t i have a Bottom Bitch position available), normally i’m all about publishing the names of these waste cases who stumble their ways into the Bar None dregs. But this time, No! i’m making a fucking stand. As your FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson), i’m saying these girls were having a fun time, drinking responsibly with a designated driver and they went off on an innocent joke that didn’t hurt anyone or damage anything. You wanna bust chicks for this? Hell no, which is why i’m going to let them keep their anonymity.
I don’t know if you remember or not, but on December 12, 2011, police officers of your department arrested five young ladies on the charge of misdemeanor theft after they were caught frolicking completely clothed late one evening. They simply liberated a Baby Jesus and other Nativity Statues and temporarily relocated them to another place. No harm, no foul, right? This is merely the outdoor equivalent of a tipsy pillow fight in the dorm rooms and I don’t need to tell you how prevalent those are in the sorority system.
Chief, I think you and I can both agree that these kind of shenanigans are par for the course for ladies of this age and they seemed to have been acting responsibly in choosing a designated driver and offering to replace the displaced goods. Can we not find it in our hearts to let them off with a warning this holiday season? A little generosity would be construed as a priceless gift of freedom and I have no doubt you would feel much better yourself after this selfless act of giving. Indeed, perhaps now is the most appropriate time of all to ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?” If you’re like me, you know the answer is things like “Judge not lest ye be judged” or “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” if you roll more New Testament style.
Let’s stand united, Chief Zeigler, arm in arm, side by side and turn the other cheek together.
Al K Hall
(Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson
You know what i think? i think y’all should write a letter of your own to get deep into the 5 Mouths cause. It doesn’t have to be long, just a couple lines saying that the powers that be in Illinois should go light on the 5. In case you missed it, the email address is: firstname.lastname@example.org
BTW, i’m not even kidding about this. i seriously cut and pasted the above note and emailed it. If any of you follow my lead, please post a copy of the text of your note in the Comments Page.
Because Sorority Girls develop into women in Universities, i thought it would be appropriate to have a pop quiz. i’ll show you a picture and ask a question and you have to answer it without peeking. The answers are at the very bottom of this post, after the Continue Reading click and the Drawer Shots.
1.Which one of these Sorority Girls most regrets her arrest?
2. Which one of these Sorority Girls is the biggest slut?
3. Which one of these Sorority Girls is the biggest alcoholic?
4. Which one of these people would Al K Hall NOT sleep with?
Again, the answers are after the jump and after the drawer shots, so click if you want to see how well you did.
Say “hello” to Mark Wach, as in “Wach ya doin’?” Which he would answer by sayin’,
“Gettin’ drunk and shootin’ the shit.”
“‘Shootin’ the shit’, Mark?”
“Yeah, you know, shootin’ the yard…the lawnmower… The shit.”
They grow ‘em a special kind of weird in Florida.
Mark was all drunk and shooting his lawnmower with a .380 pistol, which looks something like this for those of you who don’t live in the United States and get them free in your cereal boxes. The police come over because apparently shooting your lawnmower is illegal in Florida, and didn’t they make a CSI Episode about that with Horatio on one knee, tearing his sunglasses away from his face while saying, “It’s what Redneck people do.”
Because that’s the new slogan and exactly what “Off The” Mark said when the cops were throwing his ass in the cruiser. First, he said he shot his yard all the time (and if it was dead, this would explain why he could feel safe to shoot the lawnmower) and when the cops got on his case for whuppin’ on his 18 year old son, Wach-o retorted,
Fighting’s what Redneck people do.
So next time someone doesn’t like what you’re doing and is demanding an explanation why you’re doing it, just tell them, “This is what redneck people do.”
OK, you know me (and if you don’t, it’s what redneck people do), i fucking live and breathe for this kind of news story because i can get all up inside it with the funny humor and the all day looking for photos to accompany it. What can i say, it’s what redneck people do.
So sit back and make yourself comfortable because i got fucking redneck epic for your asses.
TMZ posted this picture and claimed it was Charlie Sheen giving money to the poor.
Bullshit. This is the poor giving money to Charlie Sheen. The dude on the ground saw the Sheener and said, “You look like a sober Roy Orbinson brah, go buy yourself some inebriation and clothes that don’t hurt my eyes so much.”
Dregs, dregs, everywhere and not a drop to drink. We got a drunken 3-way that went down (literally) to a drunken 2-way that finished in a 1-way street straight to jail. We got them Wisconsin dregs which are so liquor sodden they may never get off the bottom. We got us co-ed buck naked drunk drivers of all sexes in two continents dregs. We got near beer for bitches and other dogs as well dregs plus more drunken celebrities than you can shake your stick at.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to this week’s miscreants…from Katy Perry’s lips to your ears: Katy Perry – Last Friday Night.
[Press 'Play' for a song that goes, "Last Friday night / Yeah I think we broke the law / Always say we're gonna stop /Whoa-oh-oah." In fact, this song is so entirely about going out and getting shit faced that i've included allthe lyrics down in the Bar None Dregs at the bottom.]
What were you doing when you were 22? If you were anything like me and you were a guy, you were touching yourself while fantasizing about a 3-way sex romp with two girls. This Jorge Daniel Silva kid had it all in the palm of his hand and i don’t mean his frothing protein stick because he had two probably really hot girls (and even if they weren’t, who cares!? THEY WERE 2 GIRLS AND THEY WERE MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF HIM) making out in front of him and they wanted him to join in. So what does this drunken bastitch do?
Warning: When i tell you, you may well never want to drink again, so keep reading only if you want to be dry for the rest of your life because this guy was so drunk HE GOT JEALOUS. His wife was one of the willing participants in this hole affair, after he talked her into it, but when she kissed the other babe he got so jealous he started beating on his wife. The babes ran into another room but Hi Ho’ Silva thought they ladies were gettin’ down to business in there so he kicked down the door, punched his wife some more and when the other woman tried to stop him, he wailed on her, too.
The funny thing is, when he sobers up, he’s going to be beating himself up worse than he ever did the ladies.
Bar None's Artist's Hallucination of Hole Affair
October 27: Blame It On Ohio This woman, Erin Holdsworth, had everything going for her. Thin, drunk and under 30 with a penchant for driving naked… what could go wrong? Quite a lot when you want to do all this at the same time.
i blame it all on the state that’s so boring even its name sounds like a yawn and i don’t mean the State of Inebriation but sometimes a daytrip there is the only ticket out of the ennui known as Ohio. Which would certainly explain why Barin’ Erin went barrelin’ past the cops at 110 mph and on her way to naked. The mandatory car chase ensued reaching speeds of up to 128 mph but not topping them because Erin had no topping. When she finally pulled over, she got out of her car wearing plastic wrap or some shit. Then she was all calm getting in the cop car, but once inside she freaked probably because she couldn’t find a pole and realized she’d been tricked and was not in a strip club but on her way to the pokey.
Speaking of pokies, there are some drawer shots of naked drivers “down there”. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.
October 30: Stick Shifting Not to be outdone or overdressed, some guy decided to export the sport of Nastycar racing to Moscow on a Sunday, for he too got super naked and bare ass drunk.
Here’s what’s kind of amazing. He was drunk driving, almost rammed a school bus full of children (which oughta teach those pesky Russkies not to send their children to school on Sundays), and connected with 17 cars, injuring several people but still the police had to chase him “across a large part of the capital”. The fuck!? Did the 17 cars not slow him down at all? i’m thinking the guy should get some kind of drunk driving medal of dishonor because 4 of the 17 cars were police cruisers.
Bar None Artist's Hallucination
November 8: Doggie Style BeerWhen is a beer not a beer? When it’s made with neither hops nor carbonation, has no alcohol and comes in two flavors: beef and chicken. Is this still a beer? i’m not convinced but Bowser Beer seems to think it is, because he’s marketing this sweet malt barley beverage as beer for dogs.
i dunno. The hops, alcohol and carbonation in beer is bad for the fairer pet and if you can’t use this to get a bitch drunk and screw the pooch, then it’s not beer in my book. Tell you what, i’ll rethink this when i walk into a bar and the tender asks if i want my brew chicken or beef flavored.
You ask me and i’ma tell you even if you don’t, Chick Beer is real beer and is marketed for babes who aren’t dogs.
In Dog Beers, I've only had one.
Speaking of babes who aren’t dogs, there’s some drawer shots of this mess down there, too.
The 50 drunkest States in the US are… Not really, the 16 drunkest States are at the other end of that link above if you wanna go there, but i can tell you right now that the #1 Drunkest State in the US is Wisconsin. Just in case you’re having troubles picturing that, here’s what it looks like.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Avril Lavigne in the Bar None - Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
If you’re going to whup one ass this year, let it be as fine as Avril Lavigne’s who got hers kicked outside a bar in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. But people, come on! If you’re kicking ass then kick the ass—not the face! When it comes to asses, my motto has always been “Make love, not war.”
You know who got the worst of it though? The boyfriend, of course. You know me (and if you don’t then i’ve got just the thing to fill that empty hole), i don’t understand a lot about many things but what i’ve gotten out of this is that Avril got drunk and started talking shit with some other chicks and that got physical so her boyfriend was all like “Stop” so they dragged his ass into it and the boyfriends of the other chicks jumped in and jumped them and hit Brody Jenner (Avril’s penile implant).
Which, come one now, is totally understandable. Seriously, the price you pay to tap someone like Avril Lavigne’s ass is getting yours dragged into the shit and kicked twice yearly. Totally worth it, am i right?
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You will not believe the drawer shots i got going on down there of this mess.
i’m here to help y’all’s assess out with a piece… of advice. Which is, if you ever get pulled over for drunk driving, especially if you blow 0.19% in a state where the legal limit is 0.08%, which is all of them, then you should become a rich child star as fast as possible.
Like Ryan Rottman who is a star on Nickelodeon (did you know that isn’t an oxymoron?) who fucked all kinds of up but had the DUI knocked down to some baby reckless driving charge, which means no jail and a baby fine of $390. Maybe the judge felt sorry for him because he had to party with Zac Efron and Rumer Willis. Judge pro’lly figured thel poor kid had to be drunk to survive shit like that.
Just to point out that Saint Pauly posted another one of those weird ass reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time it’s about The Hangover.
Lyrics to “Last Friday Night”
There’s a stranger in my bed, There’s a pounding my head Glitter all over the room Pink flamingos in the pool I smell like a minibar DJ’s passed out in the yard Barbie’s on the barbeque There’s a hickie or a bruise Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a black top blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Last Friday night Yeah we danced on tabletops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Whoa-oh-oah This Friday night Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Trying to connect the dots Don’t know what to tell my boss Think the city towed my car Chandelier is on the floor With my favorite party dress Warrants out for my arrest Think I need a ginger ale That was such an epic fail Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a blacked out blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Damn Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credits card And got kicked out of the bars So we hit the boulevards Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping int he dark Then had a menage a trois Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Oh whoa oh This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop Oh-whoa-oh This Friday night Do it all again
From the juiced-box and Mel Gibson’s heart: Evanescence – Forgive Me
[Press 'Play' to hear Amy Lee make the same demands as Mel Gibson, only better]
You know me (and if you don’t there’s a cure for that), i’m all about the RDJr. A talented actor who hit the kind of bottoms that kill most people, he went into recovery and came back shining like a beacon to souls lost at sea, without losing any of the edge that makes him one of the best actors of his generation. A person who can serve as an example in both their personal and professional lives is like a Gucci life saver: priceless and feels good to have around you.
This Guy's Ready For Anything
The short version of this is that if Downey asked me to chew off my own balls with Amy Winehouse’s rotting teeth, i’d ask if he wanted me to start with the right or the left love bulb.
Which makes it very tough and more than a little hypocritical of me to say i won’t forgive Mel Gibson.
Especially hypocritical because in my Al K Hall Anonymous blog i’m all about the compassion: self compassion, compassion for others, a round of compassion on me for everyone all the way around.
Why am i holding out on some compassion for Mel, you so rightly ask?
Is it because he’s displayed anti-Semitic behavior more than once, and my children are Jewish? Is it because he’s beaten his wife, driven drunk, and demonstrated prejudice towards black people? What about threatening to burn down his children’s home while they slept inside it?
No. i, myself, know too well the gut shot burn of shame inflicted by going off half cocked. i have executed far too many wrongs to say someone else isn’t right, committed too many sins to be holier than thou, behaved far too criminally against others to judge anyone.
No. The thing i can’t look past is his future.
i don’t see him taking any steps to ensure these errors don’t happen again. i hit some ugly bottoms myself and i continue to make mistakes in my sobriety, but i’m in recovery and actively working a 12-step program daily. Mel Gibson goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings drunk.
What i need to see from Mel Gibson is less contrition and more contribution. More action and less acting.
i’ll honor Robert Downey Jr’s request and forgive Mel Gibson when Mel Gibson starts acting more like Robert Downey Jr.
Until then, i forgive Robert Downey Jr for asking me to forgive Mel Gibson.
So i’m gonna do something i haven’t done in a while if you consider “ever” a while. Tonight i’m going to decorate the Bar None for Halloween. So come on in, get your costume on and enjoy the floored show.