The Harry Prince continues his glorious rise to the bottom. His grace has already graced the Bar None with his drunken antics and he assures me that we can continue to count on his patronage. He’s told me this in person, through the choice of his new princess consort: Cressida Bonas.
(Note that “Bonas” is UK-speak for “Boners”. As in, “Prince Harry should marry Cressida and take her name so people would call him, “Harry Bone-ahs”.)
The best part about her apart from everything else is that she’s a party animal just like his High – ness.
Now, the Bar None has always been a No H8R zone, and this video as forced me to declare the premises a Bully Free zone as well. The problem is, i’m trying to decide what constitutes bullying, so i’m asking for your help.
Your answers will help me decide who and what i write about in the dregs coming up.
Saint Pauly over at WTF!? Watch the Film has been keeping busy with his reviews as funny as old meat smells.
WTF!? (Watch the Film) Human Centipede 2
WTF!? (Watch the Film) God Bless America
WTF!? (Watch the Film) The Darkest Hour
WTF!? (Watch the Film) Resident Evil: Extinction
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Yeah, i said it. Like everyone else hasn’t been saying it already.
As of this writing (2013-07-14 13:11 Yemen time), the news of Cory Monteith’s death in a Vancouver hotel room has hit the net. The official cause is still unknown, but authorities say that no foul play is suspected.
People, if you die alone in a hotel room and no foul play is suspected, it’s either an INXSTC neck tie or you killed yourself with substances, intentionally or not.
i’m not here to mock him. If you don’t know who Cory Monteith was, which is entirely possible when you think about the typical patrons of The Bar None, then, well…what i can tell you is that he was the star of a TV show called Glee and if you don’t know what that it is well, what can i tell you? Other than he was a teen idol and that it doesn’t matter.
What does matter is that he had addiction issues which seemed to begin with alcohol (he first went to rehab at 19) and then evolved into drug use.
What also matters is that you will die the same way he did if you do the same shit he does. So he was like you and especially like me and not because i’m a drop dead sexy mother fucker. OK, not just because i’m a drop dead sexy mother fucker.
i am an alcoholic in recovery after a 30-year drinking career. i got sober after getting out of the hospital where i spent 10 days (three in ICU where family and friends were called to my bedside in case i didn’t make it) when i tried to kill myself.
i was lucky. Cory Monteith wasn’t. That’s what it comes down to.
What it really comes down to is you. This post is all about you.You have not committed suicide, on purpose or otherwise. Don’t start now.
Ke$ha Wallpaper in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here then are the real dregs for the last week or so many other weeks that i’ve stopped counting. They’re short and sweat, just the way we like ‘em here in the Bar None where urine for a treat from Ke$ha, Bieber’s top fucks up his Karma and i cure fucking hangovers. Keep on reading, you don’t beliebe me…
[Press 'Play' for "I'm pissin' in the Dom Pérignon (C'mon let's do it now)"]
Girl. Hungover Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You know me (and if you don’t, i’m not the one), i hate to give bad news here ’cause i’m all about the yucks but don’t shoot the messager because i’m the guy to tell you that hangovers may stop existing.
Researchers in California (which, contrary to popular belief is not the Hangover State, that honor is reserved for Innebreity) are developing a pill that will, similar to Nicolas Cage, act like your liver.
What a disaster! No more hangovers! Who will be left to drive the porcelain bus? Who will put the technicolor in the burp? Who will call God on the big white phone?
It doesn’t stop there. What will be left to make make people promise to stop drinking? Imagine the hurt pain reliever sales will feel. The hangover is a rite of wrong every high school student needs to learn a lesson from. Just think, if there are no more hangovers, men will keep drinking Southern Comfort past their college years and women will continue to tipple peppermint schnapps if not into adulthood, at least someplace adulthood adjacent.
So protest, Barmaids and Beerhounds! Protest, i say! Go out and get your face so totally shat that you feel your essence rise high and higher from your body to the summit of the mountain of shit until the buzz stops and drops you all the way down into the deaths of despair with a hangover only suicide can cure. That’ll show those medical geeks that there is no cure for stupidity.
There’s just weird and then there’s this and by ‘this’ i mean Ke$ha: the girl you hate to love, and pray doesn’t become a role model to your teenage daughter.
The only thing that could make her any better would be if she’d been a Disney Baby Princess in a past life but even without that you still gotta like where this is goin’ and where this is goin’ is right in her mouth because not only does the chick like to get pissed in the UK sense meaning drunk, but she drinks it too.
A pic Ke$ha posted of herself peeing
She gave this interview with a British newspaper where she talked about how she’s been partying with her little brother and his tag for 2 years and doing shit like getting drunk at 6am and drinking her own pee. Which actually makes a lot of sense and is good for the environment because it’s recycling. She gets drunk, drinks her own pee and gets drunk on the booze in her pee.
Bar None Exclusive Interview with Ke$ha
i bet that Bronson Pelletier kid is bumming as he reads this because he’s realizing he could have recycled his buzz AND avoided arrest in the airport where he peed all over the floor in public.
There’ll be some solo shots of Ke$ha filling my drawers and you’ll wanna check that out all the way down there at the bottom of this post. You can’t miss it.
Once again i must play the part of the world’s conscience and believe me, nobody hates it more than you do, but i can’t sleep idly by when i witness such blatant prejudice against a group of people and yes, Barmaids and Beerhounds, i’m talking about drunk drivers.
Proof Bieber is a Lesbian
Never before has any group of individuals been as persecuted, prosecuted and vilified as drunk drivers. Some police officers even target drunk drivers and believe it or not, a few drunk drivers even spend years in prison!
Lil Twist (and if rappers chose anatomically correct handles, his would be “Lil Willy”) is best friends with another willy and by that i mean Justin Bieber and those two willies must be very hard to separate, they must stick together through thick and thin, they must stand tall as they come to face hardships because Bieber lets Willy drive his car no matter how many times Willy wrecks it.
There was that one time this “person” killed a paparazzi in Bieber’s car, and now he borrowed Lil Beeby’s toy sports car (it’s called a fucking “Karma” for fuck’s sake, which is only ½ step up from calling it a “Cartoon”) and drove it into cement protection poles at a…liquor store. Then they did what you and i would do in the same situation: they told all the witnesses it was Bieber’s car, threw the loose pieces in the back of a BMW and fled the scene. OK, they did what we would do if we were super rich and douches.
A real photo of where the accident should’ve taken place
Earlier in February, the world stopped – gobsmacked – for the well documented “meteorite” that flew through the skies of Russia, broke a few windows, scared the shit out of some Ruskies going about their business selling Vodka, and exploded itself all over the place. Scientists scrambled to explain the phenomena, citizens feared some kind of war had begun, and the Government came out and reassured everyone that it was an aberration. Of course, NASA and all the other space agencies and rocket scientists are still scanning the sky to determine when – not if – the next big chunk of space debris is going to collect our planet and scatter our existence into oblivion; what they didn’t realize, however, was that the Russian Meteor Event wasn’t exactly all it seemed to be at first glance. Yes, it was spectacular, and yes, people were injured by exploding glass and vodka bottles, but the reason behind this meteor is elegantly simple, and I’m just as surprised as you that nobody else has figured it out yet. Want to know what it was, really?
Georgia Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
From the juiced box and dedicated to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa: Machine Gun Kelly – LTFU (One More Time)
[Press 'Play' for "For the unforgettable nights we couldn't take in / Cause we were to busy guzzlin the gin / All in, til we spew it up / My city love me so whenever I'm home / I get the messages saying that it is on"]
Charlie Sheen has got himself a new whore. After Bree Olson’s twins dumped him, he’s now seeing Georgia “On My Mind” Jones, who’s way classier because she only does lesbian (see above wallpaper, in case you missed it) or solo (check out my drawers down below). But she’s not what i mean by “new whore” and if that’s what you thought i meant then you don’t know me very well because i’d never call a woman that and especially not one who is one.
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
No, Charlie’s new bit on the side is none other than Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. The two Californicators partied together in Cabo San Lucas (which is messican for “Party Central”), MeXXXico.
Charlie Sheen tweeting from the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Antonio Villaraigosa in the Bar None
Sheen had this to say about it.
“He can drink with the best of ‘em: Me.”
The two boys spoke for hours and drank tons and all around hit it off so well that now his Dishonor is going into denial, telling everyone that the meeting was only a quickie. Knowing Sheen as well as Georgia Jones, 3 minutes sounds about right.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here’s the Bar None artist’s rejection of what partying with Antonio Villaraigosa would be like.
[Before you get all up in my shit about how politically incorrect i am, please read the disclaimer at the end of this post.]
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Rihanna: Big Sean feat. Chris Brown – My Last
[Press 'Play' to hear Chris Brown sing, "And I'm a hit this drink up like it's my last, I'm a hit this night up like it's my last, I'm a hit this ass up, like it's my last"]
i didn’t tell y’all before because i’m telling you now.
i’m dating Rihanna.
Not right this second, but i’m dating her pretty soon and i can make this statement with a certain certitude because i’m convinced with a conviction as strong as Chris Brown’s that Rihanna’s got the necessary amount of stupid it takes to date me.
Don’t even try to tell me you don’t know what i’m talkin’ about, either. Haters be hatin’ and players be playin’ but don’t go doin’ neither on my ass, yo, ’cause you know damn well you saw the video where Chris Brown talks about how how hard it is to be in love with two ladies women at the same time and if you didn’t it’s at the top of this post.
The rumors have it that Rihanna is going to take Chris back and why the hell wouldn’t she?
Chris Brown on Rihanna: “I’d Hit That.”
i already told you like a month ago about how she’s got a drinking problem and hell, the first thing the ‘real’ Chris Brown says in that video is that he’s drunk and even in that fucking song he says first he’s gonna hit the bottle and then he’s gonna hit that ass.
So the mutual enabling for alcoholism is a giant thumbs up your ass and the codependency is all systems go to hell. Plus Chris Brown practiced not beating up a girl for one year and, to top it all off, Rihanna will chant the mantra of beaten and abused women across the country, “He’s changed, he said he’s sorry…”
You know what, though? Rihanna ain’t never gonna date my sorry ass and here’s why. i would never hit on her…
Just one thing before you go ballistic on me. i wrote this post out of anger that any woman would consider getting back together with the man who abused her. i have absolutely no sympathy for abusers, and while i understand the mechanics of this kind of relationship are complicated, they’re really not. Someone beats you, you leave and you don’t look back and you certainly don’t go fucking back to them so they can do it again.
For those of you who would say abusers can change, i’ll say “Good for them, they still deserve to be deserted as punishment for their heinous acts.”
For those of you who would point the finger at me and say maybe then i don’t deserve forgiveness for some of the asshole things i did while i was still a practicing alcoholic, i agree 100 fucking percent. If you’re one of the people i hurt through my drinking, i totally get that you would not want to forgive me and don’t blame you at all. If you are not one of these people, don’t judge me until you’ve puked a mile in my booze.
For those of you who would say that all this shit isn’t my business, i’ll stop posting this kind of commentary when Rihanna stops tweeting about her relationships and Chris Brown stops pretending to be real in the video messages he posts on fucking YouTube. Until that time, alls fair in drugs and whores.
OK, now you can go ballistic on me.
Bar None Dregs
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Rihanna Dregs Collage Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Dregs wait for no time, not even summer time, and here’s a mess o’ proof of that right here. We got Rihanna partying harder than her body, Adele living larger than hers, and Kristen Stewart hanging looser than hers. There’s a drunk Bigfoot, how to get rich tips and the Sunny Iranians (or was it the Shite ones?) discover a cure for hangovers.
Rihanna will drink to that: Rihanna – Cheers (Drink To That)
[Press 'Play' to "Turn it around with another round"]
Ah, Montana, where the men are men and Bigfoot wasn’t dead…until last Tuesday. This guy, Randy (and aren’t we all after a few drinks), dressed up in a camouflage suit and ran around on the highway at night to start a Bigfoot sighting hoax. Unfortunately, Bigfoot is not as likeable as Randy may have thought because he was run over. Twice. First by a 15-year-old girl, then a 17-year-old girl.
While we could spend all night debating the possible merits of running around the freeway at night drunk and wearing camouflage, i suspect there was another reason Randy met his Makers Mark. You’ll notice both girls who ran over him were in their teens. Well, i’ve always raised my teenage daughter with the education that, when in the company of men, if she sees something she doesn’t recognize she should run it over–twice. Randy was running around erect and hairy, after all.
There were these two guys in Iran-so-far-away who kept getting drunk all the time so the religious government (God is my “vice” president) decided to step in and help eliminate those annoying hangovers once and for all by killing the drunkards. And it wasn’t easy. The first two times the govern-mentals tried whipping the alkies into shape but when that didn’t take, they decided to hang them dry. Talk about drinking yourself to death.
You know how all the world’s Australians are super nice and super helpful? Well, the world’s richest woman is no exception. Because she likes those of us here in the Bar None so much, she’s decided to share some of her get rich quick tips with us so we, too, can have more money than we know how to count.
There is no monopoly on becoming a millionaire. If you’re jealous of those with more money, don’t just sit there and complain. Do something to make more money yourself – spend less time drinking, or smoking and socializing and more time working.
Hmm. Wise words indeed. She tells us what not to do, but not exactly what to do. Unless you read between the lines because what’s she’s really saying is, “Let them eat cake.”
Adele Smoking in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You know how Adele is pregnant and you don’t care? Here’s something a little more up our collective alley (and i’ll stay out of yours if you stay out of mine), she’s an alkie wanna-be. Alcoholism: Many are chosen but few are called. While she may sing like an angel, she drinks like a fish, which makes me think her album 21 Proof was not written about some guy, but her heartbreaking love affair with the bottle. This explains the secret behind songs like “Someone Likes Booze”, “Get Higher In The Rain”, or “Our Rum Has It”.
Makes me wonder what she was really Rolling in the Deep.
Times change. People change. It is with great somnolence that i strip Lindsay Lohan of the Bad Habit of Bar Nun so that i can crown a new Patronizing Sainte.
Sure, Lindsay had a couple DUI’s but i think we all knew deep down that while she may have given her liver to booze, her heart belonged to coke. Which is why i’m glad to announce that Rihanna is now the Bar None’s Bar Nun.
Not only did Jay Z, a man who stabbed a rival in the stomach at a bar, tell her she should go to rehab for alcohol but every time she goes to a new territory she has to mark it getting shit faced in it.
Most recently she went to a London club called the Rose Club (who are still wishing they’d thought of the name “Bar None”), where she got drunk on champagne and cocktails, then jumped on the table, broke it, and started to get thrown out until her friends yelled at the bouncers that they were up chucking THE Rihanna.
The Bar Nun is infallible like the Pope, which got proved when the bouncers put her down and apologized and the bar owner sent free drinks—and a new table—over to the table.
She left at 4am. To go to another party. Respect.
Rihanna’s Bar None Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Tons more shots of Rihanna after the link that says “Continue reading” at the bottom of this post.
Jenna Jameson invents a whole new kind of Dirty Pole Dancing, James Bond gets rich drinking beer, and Kate Middleton, the already rich Princess of Tarts, would like to teach the world to drink. Then all kinda dregs are running round round baby in the Bar None dregs.
To kick things off, how ’bout something from the Juiced box and dedicated to Jenna Jameson: Airbourne – Cheap Wine & Cheaper Women.
[Press 'Play' for something like Jenna Jameson on a roller coaster...cheap thrills]
What do you call a Jubilee with no cherries? A Diamond Jubilee and they have them like every year in England. My favorite princess (well, after Clotilde Courau), Kate Middleton, invited everyone over to her palace to get them Royally drunk. i bet they served Crown Royal.
i crammed some shots of Kate into my drawers down there.
The news is out that 007% will now order a Heineken beer and not his dry martini in the next Bond movie that i’m not gonna name here because i’m against publicizing the shit that powers the powers that be.
At least it’s not cheap beer. Heineken paid the movie folk 45 million dollars for James to saddle up to the bar and order an “Icy Heinie, shaken then slurred. “
Of course all these Bond purists have their Miss Moneypanties in a wad because it’s not cricket, but i bet they wouldn’t have so many scruples if someone offered them $45,000,000 to drink a beer. Hell, i’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous for well over a year and i for sure could afford to fall off the wagon a little bit for 45 million. Anybody who tells you different doesn’t know what money is.
The category is: things porn stars do to poles. Award winning actress Jenna Jameson got to banging again last week except this time it was a telephone pole and that’s not even a euphemism. She hit the bottle and then the pole and she’s just wishing it was a strip pole. It doesn’t seem she rear ended it but she will no doubt be sore because she refused medical attention and went straight to the slam-her (yes, i did and i’ll do it again if i have to ).
She was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving because she smelled like the insides of Ron Jeremy’s Depends after he nurses his rum but she was in and out of the pokey faster than a premature incarceration. Anyway, i know y’all only read this for the wrecks, so here it is.
Jenna Jameson: After / Don’t Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper
Yeah, i got some extra shots of Jenna bulging out of my drawers down at the bottom of this mess.
LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey) Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
To all you mothers out there… a special Dregs dedicated to those special women in our lives that make each day easier, better and sweeter–and our mothers, too. i’d also like to take this opportunity to come, come, come out in support of Obama’s pro-gay marriage stance. i think my position on the issue should be pretty clear from the above collage / wallpaper. You know who’s joining me? Mariah Carey was Lesbian for an evening as well. Read on!
2012-05-13: Putting the ‘Mother’ Back in ‘Mother Fucker’
Rather than spew on and on about how much i love mothers, i thought it’d be a less fitting and more interesting tribute if i went through my a Top 10 Lips of…
10 Mothers In The Bar None
1. A good mother teaches her daughter a career
2. A smart mother teaches a career by example
3. A good mother keeps liquor out of her children’s reach
4. A proud mother takes frequent pictures of her children
5. A Fairly God Mother lives like Sleeping Beauty: Happily Ever After
6. A concerned mother provides air bags even on a bicycle
7. A protective mother looks out for her baby. And her dog. In the tub.
8. A thoughtful mother is always prepared
9. A loving mother stays by her child forever and ever. No matter what.
XXXX, an Australian beer, has made the brave decision of coming out of the closet in erecting an ivory tower of support for US President Obama’s backing stance behind gay marriages. While not officially stating this, their latest promotional event makes it clear that the fourth X in their Triple X is NOT a chromosome.
Their idea is to send four mates out on an island alone, with no women. You can “banter with your mates” on this “ultimate destination for mates’ trips away”, and as for the rest, well: “The sunny sky’s the limit.“
You’ve heard of LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation), but here’s LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey). Maria Carey celebrated gay marriage in her own way by going out (and in and out and in and out and in) to The Abbey in West Hollywood which everybody knows is a lesbian bar. Hairy Carey hung out until closing time and then went somewhere else to hang out. Let’s face it, she hangs out a lot, wherever she goes.
TMZ posted this picture and claimed it was Charlie Sheen giving money to the poor.
Bullshit. This is the poor giving money to Charlie Sheen. The dude on the ground saw the Sheener and said, “You look like a sober Roy Orbinson brah, go buy yourself some inebriation and clothes that don’t hurt my eyes so much.”