O-limp-hics

Limp Hick Heroes

Just a reminder that i’m so removed from civilization i’m not even in the middle of nowhere but lost somewhere in the distant outskirts of nowhere. As such, i have no idea where team Yeaman stands in the Limp Hick standings but i’m hoping they got more gold than just the showers.

Also, i’ll be back in the land of the pee and home of the slaves shortly and will start posting more shit soon.

Until then, drinks are on me, so you’ll have to lick them off.

How i Was Spent My XX-Mas Vacation – DAYS 4 & 5

From the juiced-box and a killer beautiful song: Mazzy Star – Wasted

[Press ‘Play’ for a taste of Hope]

Day 4

In staying with the No Hangover theme of this vacation, i kept the quantities low and experimented with whatever new crap i found in the fridge. For example, i had a Warfteiner, which apparently is a Premium Dunkel. You know a beer is too good for you when you don’t know how to pronounce it. Because of this, i shall forthwith in all my Spoonertastic talents, be referring to this as Fart Wiener. Yeah, that’ll take ‘er down a notch.

So i had one of those bad boys but then i went back to slummin’ it with my Buds.

Total Damage

  • 1 Fart Wiener
  • 2 Buds

Day 5

Pretty much the same as above, ‘cept i had 4 Buds instead of 2. The interesting thing about today was that Sea-Grams (my mom) got tipsy (she always taught me that a lady never gets drunk, she gets tipsy). i take a lot after her, apparently, because she started getting really talkative and trying to engage everyone in conversation just like i do when i drink, and i felt the frustration Miss Demeanor and my offspring feel when i’m that way while buzzing. i learned i’m not as entertaining as i think i am when i’m liquatious (liquored up and loquacious).

Total Damage

  • 1 Fart Wiener
  • 4 Buds

How i Was Spent My XX-Mas Vacation – DAYS 2 & 3

[Beware Pronsurfers! Sorry about titling my 1st installment “XXX-Mas Vacation”. i see that about 40 people came here from a Google search of “XXX” and boy, they must’ve been let down in more ways than one. Hence, i’ve changed the title to “XX-Mas”, after Dos Equis beer. My most sincere apologies to those amongst you i misled. As you were.]

From the Juiced-box and for this holiday season: The Pogues – Fairytale of New York

[Press ‘Play’ for “You’re a bum, you’re a punk / You’re an old slut on junk / Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed / You scumbag you maggot / You cheap lousy faggot / Happy christmas, your arse, I pray god it’s our last.”]

Nothing new or real or excitingly different. Just to point out that i’ve remained hangover free for the four mornings since i arrived, but this’ll make more sense when you see the quantities i didn’t drink.

Day 2

Me, Jazzman and Mingus (names i’ll be using for my kids [boy 16, girl 13, respectively]) along with Old Grandad and Sea-Grams all went to a nice Mexican place. How do i know it was nice? It had a waterfall in the lobby and was so big Jazzman got lost coming back from the buffet (and no, for you South Park fans,  it was not a Casa Bonita). They had a killer all you can eat messican buffet and i had a frozen margarita to start off and then a Corono in a frosted mug with the meal. Too bad i forgot my camera, just like i forgot it at dinner that night when we had huge steaks on the grill and i had two glasses of wine.

Total Dammage

  • 1 frozen margarita
  • 1 Corona
  • 2 glasses of red wine

Beerection

Day 3

Totally uneventful as far as drinking goes. Five beers and no stories.

Total Dammage

  • 3 Budweisers
  • 2 Bud Lights

How i Was Spent My XXX-Mas Vacation 2010 – DAY 1

[Press ‘Play’ for a song from the juiced box that really has that vacation flavor. Sublime – 40 Oz. To Freedom]

Most of y’all do not know it, but i’m tending bar in a hole away from hole for this holiday season. My kids and i are staying with Old Grand Dad & Sea Grams (my mother and father). i hope to get some tending to the Bar None done while i’m away but can’t make any promises.

What i’ll try to do is keep y’all posted on what may be my Last Mind Bender for awhile, as i plan to go on the wagon starting January next year. These then are the dregs of my Last Brew-haha.

First off, on the plane, i had two glasses of wine, 1 of each color. Fortunately for all involved, i had to pay for the wine (even though it was a trans-atlantic flight) and my cards didn’t work and i only had enough cash for what you see in the picture. This prevented a repeat of last year’s Business Class fiasco which was a good thing because this time i didn’t have Miss Demeanor to babysit me.

Then, 22 hours later, my folks had cold Bud (or 3) waiting for me.

Budweiser Sunrise

Total Damage:

  • Two glasses of wine on the plane: 1 of each color
  • 2-3 cans of Budweiser

How i Was Spent My Summer Vacation: Days 14 & 15

Day 14

Day 14

The only exceptional day today was that i spread out my 6 glasses between noon and 10pm. Almost like a real, normal person.

Drink Log

  • 4 Bud Lights
  • 2 glasses of ‘Red’ wine

Day 15

Day 15

i fished this morning with Ol’ Grand-dad (blog slang for my dad). Yes, fished. i’m allergic to exercise, it makes me breathe hard, sweat and my heart beat faster. If i were drinking something and i had that reaction, you’d tell me to stop immediately, right? So it is with exercise, or ‘exer’ as it should be called because it’s a four letter word. The only sports i like are the ones you can drink during: bowling, darts, pétanque (don’t ask), croquet, and fishing.

So anyway, there i was fishing with my Ol’ Grand-dad and he asked me where i was with alcohol. My drinking isn’t a secret from anybody, so it was kinda normal he’d ask. i told him that i was keeping it under control, that i was worried about it but the fact i was worried meant i was on top of it. He said he was happy about  that. He reminded me that Sea Gram’s (more blog slang, this time for my mom–you know, Ol’ Grand-dad and Sea Gram) father was a heavy drinker and that his own father was ‘a skid row bum’. He can never really say that without getting choked up.

After this, we went to the only store within 15 minutes of Camp David (Hasselhoff) and he bought me a six pack of Blue Labes (Labatts Blue). (It cost $13–hell, when you’re the only store in the middle of nowhere you get to name your price.)

After four of those i invented, with Sea Gram’s help, a Pour Man’s Amaretto Sour.

(Click on the picture for the recipe)

(Click on the picture for the recipe)

Drink Log

  • 4 Labatts Blue
  • 2 Pour Man’s Amaretto Sour
  • 2 ‘Dry White’ wines

How i Was Spent My Summer Vacation: Days 12 & 13

Day 12

Day 12

Carafe-ty

Carafe-ty

i got toasted at a marshmallow roast. The culprit wasn’t the Bud i had early in the day but a 16-year old step-inlaw. i’d christened her Whine Girl but for the purposes of the party i promoted her to Wine Girl. After downing a carafe of  ‘Red’ wine, the hostess of the party brought out a fresh box of the same which i handed to Wine Girl. She wasn’t allowed to drink any but i told her she had to stay within reach and come on call when i needed refilling.

Wine Girl

Wine Girl

Miss Demeanor’s take on this? i tried her patience and thought it was good, but then her patience tried me and i felt guilty.

This was my first binge of the trip. It took me thirteen days to get here, which is a personal record for me on vacation.

Drink Log

  • 3 Bud Lights
  • 7(?) glasses ‘Red’ wine

Day 12

Dry spell. Hey, see if you feel like drinking after excreting blood. Literally. No kidding. Three times.

How i Was Spent My Summer Vacation: Days 6-11

Day 6

Day 06 CollageMiss D and i took an excursion into the local throbbing metropolis for the day. The fact the i didn’t start getting my buzz on until after the day trip had nothing to do with the backwards encouragements to rat out drunk drivers. Quite the contrary, the quaint threat made me want to drive the thin line.

Miss D & i Ignore The Signs

Miss D & i Ignore The Signs

Quaint Town

Backwards Sign

i'm All About the Bush, Baby

i'm All About the Bush, Baby

Good News On The Horizon

Good News On The Horizon

Drink Log

  • 7 Busch Lights
  • 5 glasses of Merlot

Day 7

Day 07 Collage

The Main Event of Day 7 was my discovery of the Fish Bowl wine glass.

A Red Fish Bowl

A Red Fish Bowl

Drink Log

  • 5 Bush Lights
  • 5 fishbowls of  ‘Red Wine’

Day 8

This was the day i started giving up Bush for my Buds.

Alls i Need Is A Pack of Smokes & My Buds

Alls i Need Is A Pack Of Smokes & My Buds

Drink Log

  • 6 Bud Lights
  • 5 (?–lost track) ‘Red Wine’
  • 2-3 (lost more track) Chardonnay

Day 9

Day 09 Collage

Black & White Wine

Black & White Wine

Drink Log

  • 1 Busch Light
  • 5 Bud Lights
  • 1 fishbowl ‘Dry White’ wine
  • 2 fishbowls ‘Red Wine’

Day 10

One Of My Buds

One Of My Buds

Drink Log

  • 6 Bud Lights
  • 3 fishbowls white wine (Chardonnay?)

Day 11

My Buds & i

My Buds & i

Drink Log

  • 3 Bud Lights
  • 6 (?–lost track) ‘Red Wine’