Booze Revooze: THE HOBBIT: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit An Unexpected Journey Poster

From the juiced-box (not so much) and the soundtrack: Neil Finn – Song of the Lonely Mountain (extended version)

[Press ‘Play’ for The Hobbit version of South Park’s Lemmiwinks’ Song]

Can you believe it? The Unexpected Journey started here 2 full days before the US when The Hobbit strolled into Yeaman first. Don’t believe me–believe the random cell phone shots i took.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Ramblings: A Hard Hobbit To Break

Final Proof: 2½ Shots and/or 5 Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

[us poor slobs]

 and / or

5 shots

[for the cool geeks]

 You know how you get drunk with Jacob and Wilhem Grimm, the Grimm Bros.? They start off all serious and dark and sit on the corner of the booth and they don’t say much but then they start pounding that mead and really quickly they start singing off key these songs from their homeland that aren’t as cute as they think they are and then they start talking together super quickly about all their wicked fairy tales but the problem is that it’s all talk. They just sit there babbling about the story and it’s kind of a let down because you feel like they’re giving you spoilers even if they’re the ones that wrote the stories but it’s a hell of a lot better to read the stories than hear these over excited drunks telling you what happened. At the end you kinda wished they’d just shut up and showed you the story because when the tale comes second-hand, you feel used. That’s exactly how The Hobbit makes you feel.

The Hobbit 01 Bar None Booze Revooze

“Hey little boy, you want some candy?”

Just my luck, i wanna hurry up and post this to score a scoop and i find i have to write two reviews. The first one is for us poor slobs who aren’t fans of Tolkien, never read The Hobbit, and prefer the theatrical versions of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy to the snooze-fest of the Director’s Cut (which wasn’t even cut). The second review is for the LotR geeks who could hack into my computer at the drop of a pointy wizard hat at a cosplay convention.

Us Poor Slobs:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was pretty fucking expectable, if you ask me. i’m told by people who tell the difference that The Hobbit is a children’s reader compared to the other books of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and Peter Jackson came out with a children’s film here. Think Madagascar in Middle Earth. Think Witch King and the Chocolate Factory. The Wizard of Oz-giliath. It’s so simple, it’s kind of annoying, like the way Bilbo talks as though he’s the host of a kiddy program on Sunday mornings.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was great. It follows the book closely and Peter Jackson did a marvelous job capturing the joyful innocence that permeates the Tolkien classic.

The Hobbit 02 Bar None Booze Revooze

Cocktail Weenies at the Troll Party

Us Poor Slobs:
And the kiddy movie isn’t even a problem for me, hell, there are some great fucking kiddy movies, but this one is too dialog heavy to take a kid to because all we get is story telling and not story except suddenly 1 or 2 minutes of soft core violence that’s too hard for kids anyway. It seems every character we meet has to relate an anecdote of something that happened to him and i ended up feeling like a guy in the checkout line waiting for the talkative housewife in front of me to stop blabbing to the curious cashier so i could get a move on to something more interesting than the not so super market.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey rocked. The adventures of lovable dwarfs and Bilbo Baggins come to life through their words, and as their tales unfold we become enveloped in their lives so that it feels like we are there, sitting beside them, listening to them recount their stories just for us.

The Hobbit 02 Bar None Booze Revooze

“They cut the power because we didn’t pay our electric bill.”

Us Poor Slobs:
Maybe the problem is i saw this in 2D, but that can’t be it either because the scenery was great and the special effects were amazing. i couldn’t tell where reality ended and the movie began as far as the landscapes, and the Middle Earth cityscapes looked so cool i wanted to visit them for reals. These are beautiful paintings, artistic even, but the problem is we want to see some movement in them. There is the charm of the previous movies here, but not the magic.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was brilliant. Peter Jackson creates special effects that lift the genre out of Middle Earth and carry it to heaven. The worst part of the movie is the end because when the credits roll you remember you don’t live in the world you’ve been a part of for the last 2 hours.

The Hobbit 04 Bar None Booze Revooze

“That’ll sure put some magic in the old wand.”

Us Poor Slobs:
You know how everyone was wondering if Jackson could make 3 movies from 1 kids book, when the LotR was 3 movies from 3 fat books? Well, instead of making one, single great fucking classic genius crowning glory film that people would be talking about for centuries, he’s gonna make 3 ‘meh’ movies.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was awesome. We were afraid of setting our expectations too high, when now we realize we could never have set them high enough.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:0 Shots

The Hobbit 05 Bar None Booze Revooze Sex

Of the 36 main characters listed on the IMDB page, only 1 is a woman.

Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett Bar None Booze Revooze The Hobbit Wallpaper

Cate Blanchett Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Though the drawers are pretty empty for this post, i do have some shots of Cate stuffed in them at the bottom down there.

Silken Butterflies

Uncredited in the movie but credited, thank God, on IMDB is the super lovely Renee Cataldo. You wanna know which Goblin she was? The hot one.

Renee Cataldo 01 The Hobbit Bar None Booze Revooze

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

1 shotWith all the not an awful lot of anything going on in The Hobbit, there was also not an awful lot of drinking. The beginning had some drunken dwarfs but if you’ve ever been to Florida for spring break, this won’t be anything you haven’t seen before.

The Hobbit 06 Bar None Booze Revooze drink

  • Drinking [his] wine when the dwarfs crash Bilbo’s place.

Mr Gandalf, a drop of wine as you requested. With a fruity bouquet.

Dwarf handing Gandalf a doll’s tea set cup of red wine

  • Dwarfs chugging and spilling beer and burping

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

You know you’re in trouble when the most exciting part of the movie is the preview for Star Trek Into Darkness that came on before the movie. OK, i’m being overly a dickhead but it’s because i missed out on the LotR movies when they came out and saw them on my tablet and thought the looked really cool and so i was hoping i could make up for it with The Hobbit and i couldn’t.

Yes, there were some action scenes and some of them weren’t too bad but there were too few and they were too predictable. i can’t fault them for being too short but i can fault them for being too far apart.

Oh, there was one funny thing and that was the wizard Radagast who they show getting high to chill out and make a reference to his doing too much ‘shrooms.

The Hobbit 07 Bar None Booze Revooze rock and roll

That’s it for the rock. Not for the music, though. Oh that it were. Prepare your mind for the blowing it’ll get when it witnesses not 1 but 2 musical numbers from the dwarfs and then another one from the fucking goblins. Is there not enough suffering in the world already?

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

J.R.R. Tolkien – (novel “The Hobbit”)
Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro – (screenplay)

Directed by: Peter Jackson

The Hobbit 08 Bar None Booze Revooze cast

Starring

Cate Blanchett – Galadriel
Renee Cataldo – Goblin
Ian McKellen – Gandalf
Martin Freeman – Bilbo
Richard Armitage – Thorin
Hugo Weaving – Elrond
Christopher Lee – Saruman
Andy Serkis – Gollum
Sylvester McCoy – Radagast

Bottom Line

Fans will always be fans and there’s nothing that Jackson can do to disappoint them. He could’ve made fucking Battlefield Middle Earth and everyone would be talking about his genius. Those of us outside the ring, though, will find the movie a little slow, unevenly paced and too soft for adults and too harsh for kids. Fans will think that too, but they won’t admit it.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

You could also check out the fucked up reviews by some guy named Saint Pauly over at WTF: Watch The Film

WTF Banner

the-lord-of-the-rings-fellowship-of-the-rings

Click on the Poster to Read the Review

two-towers-poster

Click on the Poster to Read the Review

Al K Hall’s Drawers

You can stop reading now. Just some pictures of Cate Blanchett coming up.

Continue reading

The Booze Talkin': My Exclusive Interview With Nancy Stelle

Nancy Stelle 01 Bar None Booze Talkin' Interview

[AlKHallism: All photos link to Nancy Stelle’s IMDB page.]

As Nancy is a fan and i want her to feel at home in the Bar None, here’s some xx to set the scene: The xx – Angels

[Press ‘Play’ for an aptly named song considering the subject of this interview]

That i loved Argo every which way i could is no secret, but that i found the actresses in it as talented as they are beautiful…isn’t a secret either. What will surprise you, on the other hand, is that some of them agreed to do in-depth interviews (i provided the “in”, they brought the “depth”) with your humble and tender bartender, Al K Hall. Trust me, no one was more shocked than me, other than you.

The first to give me a thumb’s up is Nancy Stelle, which makes total sense when you consider she’s a top model with a college degree who can act better than most people can spell their own names, and by “total” sense i mean “none at all”. That a woman who has a degree in biochemistry could smart off with me is illogical. That a woman who has acted with Ben Affleck would consider even acting surprised with me is dramatic. But that she who was once in Maxim Magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful, People Magazine‘s Most Beautiful list and an ESPN swimsuit calendar model would adorn the walls of our hole in the wall is so hot that even the devil brought a fan.

Read on and believe.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: ARGO

Argo poster Bar None Booze Revooze Movie Review Argo

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Artist – Song

[Press ‘Play’ for a song this movie deserves]

Ramblings: Argo For It

Final Proof: 4 ½ Shots

4 & 1-2 shotsYou know how you get drunk on Thanksgiving? The second you arrive you feel at home and you settle in knowing the food is gonna be good because your mom’s a great cook and your little brother cracks you up and your dad will get drunk on Wild Turkey and tell some stories and your sister is a drama queen that makes the meal a little tense but not too much, just enough to keep you on the edge of your seat and the best thing about the dinner is none of these things but it’s the buzz you know is gonna come and only get better because it’s not the holiday getting you off, it’s the knowing it’s good while it’s happening. That’s what you’re going to be thankful for: you won’t wait until later to look back on this night fondly—you’ll feel damn good about it while it’s in your lap. That, Barmaids and Beerhounds, is exactly what Argo is like.

Argo 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

On the Set of the Porn Version of Argo: Arcum

Dear Ben Affleck,

You are a fucking genius.

Best Regards,

Everyone

i’m only going to say this once because to say it twice would be stupid. i fucking love this movie.

Be honest, Ben Affleck isn’t a bad actor but he looks better than he acts. Still, he’s a better director than either of those put together. Don’t believe me? Check out where i already said it when i reviewed The Town which was another kick ass movie.

Argo 02 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Ben Affleck and the Ayatollah Howmany in a Battle of the Beards

Want me to give you some proof other than just saying he’s great over and over like a grateful groupie in his trailer with the residue of a tequila body shot mixing with sweat drying on her stomach while she’s being so ecstatically ridden she doesn’t even care he’s not wearing a condom? Sure, i can do that.

Smart Affleck kept the style of the 70’s throughout the entire movie and not just the props (pull tab cans of Tab, Star Wars action figures…) but the look and feel of the film as well. Hell, even the Warner Bros opening logo is the one used 1972-1984 and is all scratchy looking like the film was found back then. There’s that but there’s also the realism that Argo soaks in—for example the intensity of the Iranians taking over the American Embassy in Tehran in 1979. That scene is even more powerful because Affleck lets the story tell itself rather than trying to force it into the position he likes best.

Argo 04 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

“The 70’s is calling; they want everything back.”

Big Ben has this sensitive touch and it would have been way easy to pour on the drama and the fear and the shock and the tension but instead of being heavy handed his delicate touch puts in only the right amount of each and the overall effect is poignant respect. Like Canada. Who knew Canada was cool? Go ahead and make all the Canadian jokes you want to, i’m giving you permission, but when you’re done add a little “Thank You” because those pussies have balls. Argo will show you that, too.

Argo 03 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Canada: The 51st State…they wish (Thank you, Canada)

No, i did not give this movie a full 5 shots and i’ll tell you why even if the explanation is boring. The first reason is the ending went on too long. Ben Gay spent a lot of time wrapping things up and there wasn’t even that much present. Next, he got a little carried away in the final scenes at the airport. Sure, he could’ve made it schoolery and that would’ve sucked harder because i would have given it less than 4½ shots and i woulda bitched that a movie isn’t a documentary and he should’ve taken some liberties to make it more exciting and he took my advice but he took it too far, is all. The last reason i didn’t give it 5 shots isn’t the movie’s fault. Argo is just a spy movie. Sure, OK, it’s a spy movie that rises above spy movies like a cloud of sensa-million floating out of James Bond’s mouth and going right over his head, but still, it’s a spy movie, people.

Argo 05 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

“Hello, this is Central Intellge–hold on, I can’t read the whole thing.”

In the end, Argo makes you feel something (which is better than feeling something in the end), exactly like the Thanksgiving i talked about up top. Affleck added the right amount of action (except a little too much at the end), humor, drama, history to make a movie you will remember when you’re going around the table, telling all the movies you’re thankful for.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Argo Sex (Nancy Stelle) Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Nancy Stelle – Swissair Flight Attendant

The actresses were beautiful, as is my want, but hiding out in a Canadian embassy doesn’t really lend itself well to sex scenes in the shower, bikini pool parties or playful lesbian exploration. Point is, just because there wasn’t a lot of coming going on doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out and see Argo.

Speaking of coming out, Clea Duvall has played a lot of lesbian roles and lesbians seem to think she’s a member of the Clan of the Cave Bare, so i’m thinking all we need is an exposé in the Bar None to push her all the way out of the closet. It goes something like this.

Clea DuVall 2012-11-06 Argo Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze Movie Review Argo

Clea DuVall Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got more Clea shots in my nether drawers. Just scroll down to the end of this shit, then look for the link that says “Continue reading”, or the sign that says “Drawers”.

Also making an appearance was the beautiful Kerry Bishé, and the 70s really suited her. Of course, there’s quite a lot that suits her and here’s what i mean by that.

Kerry Bishé 2012-11-06 Argo Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Kerry Bishé Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s also some drawer shots of her down there. Keep going lower until you hit bottom.

Silken Butterflies

There were gobs of Silken Butterflies in this and i’m gonna start by talking about Nancy Stelle, the best one. And i’m not saying she’s the best because she was brave enough to let me interview her for the Booze Talkin’, because i don’t need to. Nancy played a Swiss Air flight attendant and because Ben Dover cut some of her scenes, you’ll see more of her here than you will in the movie.

Nancy Stelle 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

There’s more better of where this came from in my Booze Talkin’ Interview with her.

Speaking of Booze Talkin’ (and isn’t everyone), i’m also going to do an interview probably for sure with the beautiful mind Amitis Frances Ariano, who was a Persian Dancer. She’s getting medical exams now (to be a doctor, not a patient), so the interview will have to wait until after she aces her tests. Here’s a sneak preview.

Amitis Frances Ariano Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

i say “probably for sure” because sometimes silken butterflies say they’ll do the interview and then they flit away without a word when i send the questions. Such was the case of Kelly Curran, who plays the lead of the movie within a movie during the dress rehearsal script reading. First, she accepted the interview then sobered up and ignored me like i was a tax collector ex-boyfriend.

2012-11-06 Kelly Curran Argo Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Kelly Curran Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You know who is adorable? Because i do. It’s Sheila Vand. Sheila plays the Iranian maid and she does a kick ass job speaking Iranian, like i would know if she didn’t. What i also know is she has the cutest nose i’ve ever seen and it goes really well with the rest of her. Check it.

Sheila Vand 2012-11-06 Argo Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Sheila Vand Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

How could i not have shots of her in my drawers? Scroll down and you’ll see…

There was also an all too brief appearance by the one and lovely Taylor Schilling who showed up at the end as Tony’s wife, Christine Mendez.

Taylor Schilling 2012-11-06 Argo Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Taylor Schilling Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Blah blah blah Drawer Shots blah blah.

One of the nice things about Argo was all the scenes they filmed in airports and airplanes, which means we get Swissair Gate Agents like Annie “Not So” Little…

Annie LittleBar None Booze Revooze Argo

…and British Airways Flight Attendants like model Allegra Carpenter.

Allegra Carpenter 2012-11-06 Argo WallpaperBar None Booze Revooze Argo

Allegra Carpenter Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Definitely more shots of her hanging out in my drawers.

For those of you more interested in Arguys than Argirls, there was the still studly Ben Affelck who showed off his hairy yet buff chest in one scene where he changes. There’s also some debate about how serious he is when he says he’s been sober for 10 years, but that’s not my business. This is my business:

Ben Affleck 00 Out of the Bar None Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Ben Affleck Out of the Bar None

i put more shots of him on the top of the pile in my drawers.

A shout out is long overdue to Overdude Bryan Cranston who can go from the dad in Malcolm in the Middle to a meth manufacturer in Breaking Bad and kill both roles before doing a jig on their graves while he picks up his Emmy. His role in Argo is a little more traditional but he nails it like a frat guy with a case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Bryan Cranston 00 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Breaking Badass

Bryan Cranston 01 in the Bar None Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Bryan Cranston in the Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

2 shotsThere were a lot of scenes with booze but alcohol didn’t play a key part in the film so that boils down to 2 shots.

Here’s the blow by blow.

  • Wine in Canadian embassy hideout
  • Ben drinks Miller Lite at dinner with fast food
  • Whiskey at Hollywood restaurant
Argo Drink 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

“Here are shots of you drinking vodka with Tommy Lee Jones at Sundance, sober Ben Affleck.”

  • Red wine @ Hollywood rooftop party
  • Whiskey toast, “Argo fuck yourself”
Argo Drink 02 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

“To the Bar None. And formal track suits.”

We’re entering Iranian airspace and we’ll be coming through to collect any alcoholic beverages.

–Flight attendant on Tony Mendez’s (Ben Affleck) flight

  • Wine and whiskey and gin @ night before leaving party
  • Ben drinks shots of whiskey hotel room because he has to think

It is our pleasure to announce alcoholic beverages are now available as we have cleared Iranian airspace.

— Happy ending defined by booze

  • Champagne on the plane to celebrate

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

4 shots 4 shots and worth every drop. First, there was the suspense which Ben tossed up here masterfully like a master tosser. OK, yes, he jumped the shark in that one scene in the airplane where he sees the cop cars next to the plane but he was doing such a god lob until then that you gotta cut him a slack–and one shot off.

Argo Rock 'n' Roll Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

That awkward moment you realize you aren’t looking in a mirror.

(BTW, for those intellectuals reading this post, both of you, the real story of the “Canadian Caper” can be found at these kick ass sites i bothered to look up for y’all. “A Classic Case of Deception” is the story as told by Antonio “Tony” Mendez himself on the CIA’s website. Nate Jones gives a nice, behind the scenes comparison of the movie to the real event in his article “The True Story Behind Argo” at ForeignPolicy.com.)

Then there was the music. Ben got lucky that the late 70’s was ripe with tuneage, but he also avoided the disco balls. It was an easy call but he made it and he included Led Zeppelin and it was “When the Levee Breaks”. What was the last movie you saw that had “When the Levee Breaks” in it? Exactly. 4 full shots, babes.

He also included Van Halen’s “Dance the Night Away” (which did come out in ’79, i checked) and this song by the Rolling Stones which isn’t bad for a Stones song but is no “When the Levee Breaks”.

[Press ‘Play’ for a Little T&A]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Joshuah Bearman: article “Escape from Tehran”
Chris Terrio: screenplay

Directed by: Ben Affleck

Argo 07 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Gayfield Chess Club Class Reunion

Starring

Nancy Stelle – Swissair Flight Attendant
Amitis Frances Ariano – Persian Dancer
Clea DuVall – Cora Lijek
Kerry Bishé – Kathy Stafford
Sheila Vand – Sahar
Kelly Curran – Princess Aleppa
Allegra Carpenter – British Airways Flight Attendant
Annie Little – Swissair Gate Agent
Taylor Schilling – Christine Mendez
Ben Affleck – Tony Mendez
Bryan Cranston – Jack O’Donnell
Alan Arkin – Lester Siegel
John Goodman – John Chambers

Bottom Line

Repeat after me: “This is not an action movie.” Promise me you will see this movie but that you won’t be expecting an action movie, because then you’ll be disappointed. This is a a fucking awesome espionage movie with a lot of suspense and tension but no action. See it anyway.

Argo 06 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

“Is that your collar, Alan Arkin, or are you requesting clearance for take off?”

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Only meat and sweets after this point. i’ll start off the drawers with some Ben Affleck for the ladies so they can bail early if they want.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN (PART 2)

Breaking Dawn 2 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Rob Pattinson – It’s All On You

[Press ‘Play’ for something far too genuine for Twilight]

Breaking Dawn 2 Bar None Booze Revooze

Here’s the mandatory cell phone shots as proof

Yeppers, the date on the poster is 11/16/12 and here i am posting this on 11/14/12 because we got this in Yeaman on Wednesday. Don’t be hating, rather be thanking me for sacrificing myself by seeing this before you so i can warn you away shouting “Save Yourselves!” while i try to wash the shit from my stinking eyes.

Ramblings: Breaking Down

Final Proof: 1 ½ Shots

1 & 1-2 shot bar none booze revooze

You know how you you get drunk at Applebees? You’re surrounded not by cliche’s but by imitation cliches printed up in some factory in Boonies, Iowa and the beer tastes like beer but the buzz doesn’t feel like drunk rather like whatever the opposite of motion sickness is like stagnation sickness or demotion sickness because Applebees doesn’t go anywhere and makes you feel lower than when you started like fake snow just sitting at the bottom of a cheap plastic snow globe waiting for something to shake it up and make things happen but you can keep waiting because the waitresses keep changing and you can’t find any consistency beyond the sissy mocktails that keep appearing in front of you refusing to get you off like the hostess in her fake uniform standing not like a clone but like a robot of a clone. In the end the drama is as hollow as the cheap snow globe and the love is as sincere as the smile of an aging waitress stuck in the middle of her second shift. That’s what Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) reeks of.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“You just marked your territory on my leg, asshole.”

To be fair, i knew i wasn’t gonna like Twilight: BD 2 even before i went. To be super fair, i hated it even worse than i thought i ever could and to be super fucking fair they didn’t have to make it so goddamn easy to hate it.

Seriously, they didn’t even try to live up to the previous episodes. i felt like i was humping a prostitute whose makeup was rapidly disintegrating and she’d stopped caring long before i did and she already had my money so she wasn’t even going to pretend to try, just lie there and wait for it all to end. Which reminds me of the ending to this movie and i’m not going to give away any spoilers here but What The Hell, people? i don’t know if the ending of the book is the same of the movie but oh my god, if the book ended the same way i don’t get why teens all over the nation didn’t band together and burn Stephanie Meyer at the stake with a bonfire built of the last pages of this flaming shit.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 02 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

A Better End

Was it really so bad? No, of course not…it was way fucking worse than that. Take the special effects. The effects were ‘special’ all right, short bus, safety leash, drool cup special. Who knew you could do CGI with a kindergarten pencil? You know what they CGIed here, because i’m gonna tell you right now. They CGIed the fucking baby and made it look like a monkey in a dress with Steve Buscemi’s face.

What else was bad? i can’t say the acting was bad—because there wasn’t any acting. It was just a bunch of interchangeable people standing around looking at each other and pouting. There was already no content to the story so they took this concept about as rich as decaf airplane tea and watered it down to make it last 2 hours. i’d like to say the script was bad, so i will. The script was fucking horrible with jokes that fell flat, inconsistencies and what the fucks aplenty, and characters who appear and disappear for no reason.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 03 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“That’s right, Renesmee, slap mommy again. She was a bad mommy who did the nasty with the bad director.”

Here’s what i hope. i hope at least one person reading this is offended and pissed off and leaves a comment full of venom and vitriol [it must me a word, spell check didn’t flag it] defending this movie because i would love to see what anyone can see in this movie. Please, i’m begging you here people, one fucking redeemable quality, that’s all i ask.

Speaking of redeemable qualities, Dakota Fanning is now officially 18 but i think some of the shots floating to the bottom of the barrel online are still of her underage so i prefer to card her here and i’ll make more of an effort to find sexy pics for next time. Nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None.

Dakota Fanning 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Sure, the women here are very attractive and they stay that way until their pert little lips slowly part and the insipid comments and flat voices fall out of their mouths like a dead tongue wanting to be french kissed.

We might as well start off with Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan dive) who shows some of her bare back and kind of rapes Rob Pattinson with her super human vampire strength in a scene that probably isn’t too far from reality and goes a long way towards explaining why Rupert Sanders ended up her huntsman. Here’s some happy hunting, to be sure. Let us prey.

Kristen Stewart 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Kristen Stewart Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i got more single shots of Kristen in my drawers, down at the bottom. All you gotta do is click on the “Read More” link at the end of the review to open up that can of worm.

The coolest actress in this one by far was Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) who is one sexy badass. Unfortunately, she’s absent for most of the movie and when you see the whole movie you understand why her character chose to flee at the beginning. Here’s what you missed.

Ashley Greene 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Ashley Greene Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are single shots of her in my drawers as well, at the end of the review.

Speaking of underused as a tampon in a Vampire’s bathroom, the ultimate Maggie Grace soaked up the screen while she filled it, but was discarded far to quickly and easily for my taste. Here’s something more lingering for you to savor.

Maggie Grace 2012-11-14 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Maggie Grace Bar None Booze Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

More shots of her in my drawers as well. What can i say, i have busy drawers tonight.

Silken Butterflies

There were several ladies who lit up the screen and my only complaint about them is that they weren’t up there more than they were.

For example, there was Casey LaBow as Kate.

Casey LaBow 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Angela Sarafyan as Tia:

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None

And the stunning Christie Burke as “Renesmee (Young Woman)”

Christie Burke 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

For those of you more into the pricks than the sucking, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) hooks up with Renesmee which is weird enough when you think he spends half his life as a where wolf, but what’s even worse is that he “imprints” on her when she’s just born. Wow. i’m pretty sure imprinting on chicks without consent is against the law in every state except Alaska because they grow ’em different up there but jesus, imprinting on a minor? On a baby minor?!

Taylor Lautner 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Are you understanding me, people? In this story, a giant dog falls in love with a newborn. Can you wrap your head around this? It’s fucking pedo-bestaility and this movie is rated PG-13? Where i come from this a special kind of sick and the only kind of punishment cruel and unusual enough for that shit is to make the guilty partiers watch Twilight Breaking Down (Part 2) in a loop.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 04 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“Please stop imprinting on me Uncle Jacob. It’s creepy and leaves stains on my dress.”

To punish Taylor, i’m posting a wallpaper of him with not just a shirt on, but a whole suit. You know what Taylor Lautner can do to a suit? Make it look pretty fucking ridiculous.

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Taylor Lautner 01 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze Wallpaper

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Last on my least is Robert Pattinson who i feel for. Really. OK, so he can’t act, no one else in this movie can anyway. More importantly, he’s young and handsome and his hot girlfriend cheated on him in front of the whole world. It’s bad enough to be humiliated but to be humiliated on a global level…for your shame to go viral, man, that’s a new brand of suck for you to deal with. Plus, he’s so confused he even took her back which just means it’s going to happen again. Trust me. i know. It. Will. Happen. Again. Poor bastard. And he’s such a talented mother fucker as well and if you don’t believe me just go up and listen to the song i posted at the beginning of this post that you didn’t listen to when you had the chance and you should’ve. Poor bastard.

Robert Pattinson 01 Musician Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got some drunk shots of him floating in my drawers, as well.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • J Jenks drinks whiskey in a Seattle restaurant
  • Dad drinks beer while opening presents

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

i almost could’ve gone ½ shot on this but the fight scene at the end was the least boring scene and then they even rip that out from under you.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 05 Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze Revooze

“I can beat you with one hand stuck up my ass.”

Here’s how Rock and Roll this movie was. Bella’s first kill as a vampire: She renounces a human kill for a deer—already very tame—but then she attacks a cougar that is jumping to attack the deer. Yes. The only time we see her feed in the whole movie is when she’s saving a deer’s life.

The least bad song of the movie is “The Forgotten” by Green Day.

There was also a nice song i can’t find a good copy of online called “All I’ve Ever Needed” by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed (who also plays Rosalie Hale in the film).

Boring Technical Crap

Twilight Book Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Bar None Booze RevoozeWritten by:

Stephenie Meyer(novel Breaking Dawn)
Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)

Directed by: Bill Condon

Starring

Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Maggie Grace – Irina
Dakota Fanning – Jane
Andrea Powell – Sasha
Casey LaBow – Kate
Angela Sarafyan – Tia
Christie Burke – Renesmee (Young Woman)
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Never. Don’t you ever. Don’t you dare.

Breaking Dawn 1 Poster Bar None Booze Revooze

Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 1

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Put a stake through the heart of this post ’cause it’s dead and gone. All that’s left is the pretty pictures of the actors and actresses. Click on the “Continue Reading” link to see what that’s like.

Continue reading

Happy Swalloween in the Bar None

i’ve decided to start a tradition, if “tradition” means fucking up the same way twice. Which it does. So i’m taking down last year’s dead meat and hanging up some fresh shit for ’tis the season to be drunk.

From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Zombie

[Press ‘Play’ for a song that will make you cum to life]

To kick things off in the ass, here’s something i can’t believe has not yet caught on.

Bar None Swalloween 01

How has this not become a thing?

Concerning my dressing, this year i’ve decided to come as…much as possible. Here are some other killer costumes.

Bar None Swalloween 02 Expose yourself

Expose Yourself

Bar None Swalloween 03 Jager Bomber

Jager Bomber

Bar None Swalloween 04 Very Deep Throat

Very Deep Throat

Bar None Swalloween 05 Kool Aids

Kool Aids

Bar None Swalloween 06 Wine-Oh!

Wine-Oh!

Bar None Swalloween 07 Trick or Teat

Trick or Teat

Bar None Swalloween 08 Super Drunk Girl

Super Drunk Girl

This is where i keep the surprisingly popular Celebrity Halloween Costumes.

And the children! We can’t forget about the children! What would Halloween be without the little weenies?

Bar None Swalloween 09

Yes, it’s dated, but so have you.

Bar None Swalloween 10 Living Doll

Living Doll

Mad Boy

Mad Boy

Whatever you go as, make sure you go in piece…one piece.

Bar None Swalloween 12 Go Home, Skeleton, you're drunk

Finally, just in case all this fun has made you forget that i’m balls deep in recovery

Bar None Swalloween 13

10 Celebrity Halloween Costumes (A Top 10 Lips)

red-noir-lips bar none 10 celebrity halloween costumesTired of the question “What will you come as?” when you’re not sex role playing? Tired of being yourself and yet still don’t know what you want to be this year for Halloween? You’ve come to the right Bar None.

i’ve assembled a list of celebrity Halloween costumes to inspire you and, after some hemming (and hawing), i think i’ve got it all sewn up. Here, then, are ten Halloween costumes worn by actual celebrities that we can pattern ourselves after.

From the juiced-box and to get you in the mood, Marilyn Manson – This Is Halloween.

[Press ‘Play’ for Manson’s cover of the Danny Elfman song from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas]

1. Justin Bieber Going as “A Male”

Justin Bieber - Male Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Justin Bieber Dressed Up As A Boy

Ahh, Justin Cider, you’re still my favorite lesbian. Bielibe that.

2. Mitt Romney Going As “Presidential”

Mitt Romney - Presidential Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Mitt Romney Pretending To Be Someone Who Can

Don’t forget, you still have time to vote in the US Presidential Election. If you ware not an American citizen and would like to vote, i’m selling my vote to the highest bidder.

3. Kim Kardashian Going As “A Human”

Kim Kardashian - Human Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Kim Kardashian Almost Looking Like She Comes From This Planet

Nice twist on the “I’m going as an alien”, we have an extra terrestrial coming as one of us.

4. Lindsay Lohan Going As “A Camel’s Toe”

Lindsay Lohan - Camel's Toe Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Lindsay Lohan Gets Bestial

Lindsay as her (second) favorite part of a camel’s anatomy.

5. Lance Armstrong Going as “An Athlete”

Lance Armstrong - Athlete Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Lance Armstrong Wants us To Believe He’s Clean!

Drug addicts always pick costumes that reveal what they think they really are.

6. Honey Boo Boo Going As “A Child”

Honey Boo Boo - Infant Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Peter Dinky-lage’s Inamorata Pretends To Be A Grown Up

She even acts childish!

7. Rihanna Going As “An Intellectual”

Rihanna - Intellectual Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Rihanna Looking Like She Should Know Better

Only problem is, she can’t wear this costume if she goes with Chris Brown because no one would get she was smart.

8. Miley Cyrus Going As “Dafuq?”

Miley Cyrus - Dafuq Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Miley Cyrus Living The Meme

Why so Cyrus?

9 Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake Going As “Lovers”

Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake - Lovers Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Prick Or Teats

i also could’ve put “Justin Timberlake – Straight”.

10. Amanda Bynes Going As “Air Bags”

Amanda Bynes - Air Bags Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Amanda Bynes on Shalloween

My personal favorite. Amanda went ironic this year in reference to both her drunken hit & runs.

Click Here For More Top 10 Lips