Just wanted to let y’all know that Saint Pauly posted a couple other reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). Normally i don’t talk much about his shit here, but this time he reviewed two pretty hardcore movies.
First up, he did The Human Centipede:
The Human Centipede
And followed that up with Battle Royale / Batoru rowaiaru:
Battle Royale / Batoru rowaiaru
Here’s how real this just got…. Argo, the movie Amitis Frances Ariano starred in, won the Academy Award’s Oscar for Best Picture and i’m thinking the award is due in large part to the participation of this actress that we here at the Bar None scored an exclusive interview with. Read on, believe it, then thank me later.
[AlKHallism: All photos link to Amitis Frances Ariano's IMDB page.]
From Amitis’s mouth to your ears: The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony
[Press 'Play' for a song that comes straight from Amitis's dance card]
Let’s just take a moment to appreciate the pot luck that is my life. Not only do i get to see a movie as good as Argo but then i’m fortunate enough to interview not just one but two of the actresses in this Oscar nominated film, and to top all that off they both are as sweet as they are talented and beautiful. i got so much luck spilling out of me, i’m about to get some of it on you.
Amitis Frances Ariano plays a Persian Dancer in Argo and she did this so well she was even the poster child for the film, meaning she herself is on the poster to the whole freaking movie. Who else can you say that about? OK, who else can you say that about not including Ben Affleck? That Amitis would be so generous as to appear on the poster and still stop by the Bar None despite how famous she’s becoming (and she’s very becoming, believe you me), blows the mind, beats the heart and saves the soul.
Sit back and enjoy the ride of her life.
There i was, feeling guilty in the court of public opinion, my development arrested, about to throw up on the mercy of the courting when an angel of mercy came to my defense. Amitis Ariano international defense attorney, stellar actress and beautiful human being both inside and out stood before me.
“Amitis! You’ve got to help me. i’ll do whatever it takes for you to get on my case.”
i pleaded innocently with her, presented my defenses and begged her to examine my briefs. Finally she agreed to an interview where she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Al K Hall: Now that you’re my official councilor, i need to know what i should call you. “Amitis Frances Ariano” is hugely beautiful but kinda long. Where does it come from?
Amitis Frances Ariano: My name is Persian from the time of Great Persian Empire. My mom wanted me to have a pure Persian name so she named me after Amitis, who was queen of the Persian Achaemenid Empire and the daughter of Astiak (Shāh of Mād, the Median King), wife of Cyrus the Great (the 1st Persian Emperor and the writer of the first declaration of human rights in the globe, named the “Cyrus Cylinder”).
Al K Hall: You’re lucky, my name just means “booze”.
Amitis: My mom also loved Princess Diana so named me Frances, as it was Princess Diana’s middle name.
Al K Hall: Yeah, my parents just loved booze. Do you have a nickname?
Amitis: I’ve got many nicknames my friends create for themselves, but the majority of people call me “Amitis” because, after all, that is my name.
Al K Hall: True ‘dat. So, Amitis, I see you live in Southern California.
Amitis: I was born in Los Angeles and grew up in Calabasas, CA.
Al K Hall: Calabadass! What a cool name! Do you have fun in Calabadass?
Amitis: I always have fun, no matter what I do.
Al K Hall: If i looked like you, i would too. But what’s your secret? [AlKHallism: These interviews work better if we don't pay too close attention to my questions.]
Amitis: All my friends will say that I’m definitely one of the most fun people you’ll ever come across. But I keep it classy, as every lady should. 
Al K Hall: Tell that to Lindsay Lohan. What do you do on a boring evening?
Amitis: Ever since I started law school, there is so much work and reading that you have no choice but to sit and read the books one at a time. The material is not boring, but when you have to read and do all this work, your freedom is taken from you, so I guess it could be boring.
Al K Hall: Kinda like you’re condemned to Law School. Doesn’t sound like much of a party.
Amitis and Princess Yogi
Amitis: Law school changes you. All the things you were able to do on a daily basis no longer exist so, on those rare evenings, I either go out or stay home and relax with my beautiful princess Yogi (my dog).
[Here's a tune Amitis picked from the juiced-box and dedicated to Princess Yogi: Maxi Priest - Wild World]
Al K Hall: Are you leaning towards prosecutor or defender? Give ‘em the key or throw it away?
Amitis: My passion is to practice criminal law. Criminal defense is my heart’s passion, but the District Attorney is the one with the power, and what I seek in life is Power, not money. Regardless of where the road takes me, or where I start, I will finish with criminal defense!
Al K Hall: Sounds good to me—i’d rather have you on my team than against it. But can you act and lawyer at the same time?
Amitis: I would love to be both (famous actress and lawyer), but right now I choose to pursue law school. I am dreamer and don’t want to limit myself to just one goal, but I have to focus on pursuing one goal at a time so I choose to first complete law school. Education has a higher priority for me above all else. What is beauty without brains?
Al K Hall: That was exactly my next question. How do you deal with being more beautiful and smarter than pretty much everyone on the planet?
Amitis: Ha ha, thank you! I want to be known for something. I want to be an influential person, a positive role model for others to follow.
Al K Hall: I’d follow you anywhere. Even if you were a lawyer.
Amitis: Talk to me in about 2 more years and then you can call me a lawyer, after I pass the bar.
Al K Hall: The Bar should be a cinch, you should see some of the crap i’ve passed. It’s a date, though! i’ll be here 2 years from now and i’ll call you whatever you want me to. Even a cab. Which reminds me, what’s something i wouldn’t know about you until i got drunk with you?
Amitis: I don’t get drunk, so what you see is what you get.
Al K Hall: Whao! Just like me. Except with me, what you get is usually contagious. But tell me something i don’t know.
Amitis: I have a big heart… I’m a big dreamer with lots of determination and compassion. I also really care about those who are less fortunate, disabled and those who are suffering.
Al K Hall: That’s true, I did not know that. Hold on a sec, i’ve got just the right tunes for this.
[Press 'Play' for mood music]
Al K Hall: Cool, go ahead.
Amitis: Prior to law school, I used to feed the homeless frequently. I would make little lunch bags filled with water, burgers, chips, cookies, candy, fruits, gum, French fries and I would drive around for hours and find homeless people and give them food. The impact that I had on their lives was the best feeling in the world. They would cry and were so thankful and shocked to see someone young as myself, just doing an act of kindness and taking the time to feed them. The best part of it all was when they would tell me that what I did gave them hope and restored their faith, and showed them that good people really do exist. My purpose here on earth is to help those and to give back to those who need me.
Al K Hall: And i need you now more than ever. Just like i need you to tell me about how you got your foot in the acting door.
Amitis: I always wanted to pursue acting, but I never really gave it a try. I did a lot when I was younger, and was offered to be on a TV show on the Disney channel. It was an amazing opportunity but my parents ended up getting a divorce at the exact time this came my way. As time progressed, I just put all my focus into school and did exceptionally well. I put off acting but it has always remained a big interest that is still with me today.
Al K Hall: i saw you’re studying acting at the Playhouse West Acting School in Hollywood…
Amitis: Playhouse West was amazing! Jeff Goldblum was the one the founders of it and you have actors who started there from Ashley Judd, to James Franco, to Jim Carrey, Michelle Pfeiffer and the list could go on.
Al K Hall: If you see Michelle, could you ask her if she dropped the charges? Wait! You’re an almost lawyer! You could go give her a writ and—
Amitis: —Unfortunately, my time was cut short for I was only there for exactly one month! I got accepted to Law School and had to make a decision, pursue acting or law school? I made the right choice.
Al K Hall: Was that after you got the role of “Persian Dancer” in Argo?
Amitis: This is where it gets interesting.
Al K Hall: Uhm, meaning?
Amitis: Argo just magically fell into my lap, out of nowhere. I had no agent at the time and was taking my sister for an audition. I wasn’t planning on even taking my sister, but my mom told me to go and take my picture. So I listened, and I’m so happy I did.
[Another of Amitis's selections from the juiced-box: U2 - Beautiful Day]
Al K Hall: You should always listen to your mother.
Amitis: I arrive there and it was like a zoo, filled with tons and tons of people. This was an audition for all Middle Eastern girls. So I take my sister, and I just leave my picture. Three days later, I get a call from a lady and it was the best phone call I have ever received in my life. She tells me that “Ben Affleck himself choose you out of all the hundreds of girls to play in his movie.” I was beyond ecstatic when I heard that he choose me to play in his movie!
Al K Hall: Hell, if you ask me, he’s the lucky one.
Amitis: I went to Warner Brothers the next day, and went for the costume fitting. I was to portray Ornella Muti, who was voted #1 sexiest sci-fi actress/costume.
Al K Hall: Babe, anything you wear would be voted sexiest costume.
Amitis: I actually turned down the part at first because the costume was a bit too sexy, and got a phone call back saying that “Ben only wants you to play this part”, so I took it.
Al K Hall: So who was there to appreciate the sexy?
Amitis: My scene was with Ben Affleck and John Goodman. It started at the rooftop of the Beverly Hilton Hotel and if you look in the trailer, I am walking Ben inside the hotel. John Goodman is very funny guy, has the “I don’t give a shit” kind of attitude. I would say he’s kind of the typical Hollywood Star, nothing special about him. He was kind of an asshole to some people.
Ben Affleck and the producer came up to me on the second day of filming and handed me a script which consisted of about 6 lines that they wanted me to speak. I had about 15 minutes to look it over and my speaking scene was with John Goodman.
Al K Hall: Watch out, i heard he can be kind of an asshole.
Amitis: I was so nervous when the camera came to me. There were over 100 people in the room, with Ben and John and the producer and everyone else just staring into the camera that was on me. I spoke my lines back and forth with John and the robot you see in the poster and two other characters. However, during filming I messed up the continuity in that I kept switching my gold snake from my left to right arm, which was why my speaking scene didn’t make the cut. What can you do? You live and you learn.
Al K Hall: Ain’t that the truth. All the things i’ve lived, you’d think i’d have learned by now. But enough about me. What about Ben?
Amitis: I adore Ben Affleck!
Al K Hall: i bet he hears that a lot.
Amitis: He is such an amazing, kind, and humble man. He came up to me and introduced himself (as if I didn’t know who he was!), shook my hand asked me a few questions about myself.
Al K Hall: Kinda like i’m doing here. Well, except for the “amazing, kind and humble” part.
Amitis: That man is brilliant, hard working, creative and really just perfect. I am so lucky to have had such an amazing experience with him. He knows what he wants, how he wants it. He was very precise in the way he wanted things done.
Al K Hall: Wasn’t he always in your face, telling you what to do?
Amitis: The beautiful thing about his style (besides himself) is that he is very open, did not give any direction to me and just had everything flow naturally. He was so sweet! He was business and put fun into it and just so real, that’s very rare today in Hollywood…to find someone as genuine and down to earth as him.
Al K Hall: Did you get to hang with him?
Amitis: I was also lucky because I was in the same trailer as Ben and John for the preparation of filming every day. I had the same stylist they had and got to have my hair and makeup done the same time they did, too, while everyone else was in the hotel. It was amazing!
Al K Hall: Speaking of amazing, you also appear on one of the posters! How did you find out?
Amitis is on the left (no, your other left)
Amitis: I had no idea they were going to put me on the poster. I was so shocked! I was in law school when I found out. One of my friends posted a picture of the poster on my Facebook and said that it was right outside their work! I was so excited that they picked me to be on it! I found the poster online and have it framed in my house
Al K Hall: Did you keep any souvenirs of the shoot?
Amitis: Yes, I kept the robe I was wearing over my outfit and I recorded everything on my phone, from pictures to the filming, which I was not allowed to release till after the movie aired.
Al K Hall: You should’ve kept the costume, if you ask me…and i can tell from your expression that you’re most definitely not. How many times have you seen Argo?
Amitis: I only saw Argo once because I was in Law School and had exams coming up, but I will see it again. I was actually with one of my criminal defense attorneys friends when I saw it. I was disappointed that my speaking scene was cut out. But I always dreamed of seeing myself on the big screen and my dream ended up coming true.
Al K Hall: Like me talking to you right now! So what’s the next step?
Amitis: Argo inspired me to pursue acting. I got an agent after that and starting acting school at Play House West, sadly I only got a month to try it but I’ll come back to it one day.
Al K Hall: When you do, what’s the best way for a director or a casting agent to contact you?
Amitis: I am going to pursue Acting when my first year of law school ends, and the best way to contact me is through the information provided on IMDB.
Al K Hall: What message do you have for your many fans?
Amitis: Never give up on a dream! Never let any obstacle in life bring you down. Have faith, believe in yourself, pray (power of prayer is amazing) and have a good heart. There is no such thing as impossible, whatever you truly desire, if you put the work and effort into it, it will come true.
Al K Hall: Yeah, that attitude is gonna come in handy during the Bar None Questionnaire. You know what they say, if you can’t beat them, buy a bigger club. So, what’s your favorite alcoholic drink?
Amitis: I used to like whiskey, however I do not drink anymore. I don’t mind a glass of wine once in a while.
Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?
Amitis: Don’t remember.
Al K Hall: Wow, lucky you! Do you smoke?
Amitis: No.
Al K Hall: Do you swear? A lot?
Amitis: I don’t like to swear.
Al K Hall: Most importantly, what’s your opinion of teetotalers?
Amitis: I have a lot of respect for teetotalers. They are the clever ones because drinking only brings you down, makes you do things you would not do normally, affects your health and causes you to loose control. I’m all for “teetotalers”.
Al K Hall: And we’re all for you, Amitis!
If i was a fat lady, i’d be singing all over the place because this interview is sadly over. Now’s a great time to tell you what you knew all along, that Amitis and i did not meet in a courtroom or anywhere else. This whole interview was done through emails and i fiddled with my bits to make them look more realistic but i left Amitis’s words exactly as she sent them to me because why mess with perfection?
Many are called but few answer when they realize it’s me, so i really want to thank Amitis for her time and effort in putting up with my bullshit. i caught her in the middle of her legal midterm finals and the holiday season and she took time off from both of these to waste it with me, sharing this part of herself with you. She’s a totally professional young lady and i wish her the very best in her studies and the long career that awaits her in whatever path she chooses.
[Another song Amitis picked from the juiced-box and dedicated to her future: The Temptations (with Diana Ross & The Supremes): Ain't No Mountain High Enough]
If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.
From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: The White Stripes – Fell in Love with a Girl
[Press 'Play' for the second best song in the movie...and not on the soundtrack]
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk wearing a suit? Not the part when you talk too loud so that everyone within shouting distance knows how over the top you went and not the part when everyone can smell the sheen gleaming in the sick that streaks your lapels. No, there are those moments before everyone becomes your best friend and before you get so phony all your bars are full of reception, before you try too hard to be funny and to fall in love, moments when you are a little off kilter, a little skewed but still you feel a little more you than you’ve been in a while because you are sincere and honest enough to let the crazy out a crack and you accidentally become endearing. That’s what Silver Linings Playbook is like.
“I’m going to switch this envelope out for the one that says ‘Argo’.”
SLP is a romantic comedy that is neither, and all the better for it. You know me and if you don’t, i’m the guy that came up with “dramantic comedy” or “drom-com” and go ahead, you can keep mocking me even after you steal that expression because that’s also the kind of guy i am. i hate romantic comedies more than i hate life itself and i only went to see this because it was nominated for an Oscar and plus the only thing easier in life than hating romantic comedies is mocking them and i’m all about the easy.
Imagine my surprise when i didn’t hate this movie. Why i didn’t is a whole ‘nother story—not really, it’s the whole story of this post and i didn’t hate the movie because it wasn’t a romantic comedy, it was a sexy shell with some serious drama deep down at the bottom, like panty liners hidden inside scanty panties. Also, the ending was happy in the movie just like panty liners are happy in their own way because it means she’s not pregnant, am i right?
“You’re so hot, and not just the sweaty kind.”
Basically i got emotionally invested in the characters here and i never do that for a movie like this unless it is this. Why? Read on, Buttercup.
The best thing about this movie were the actors and you know how sometimes you don’t know what makes a good actor because you can’t really put your finger on it? Go and see SLP for a good lesson on that. Chris “Mother” Tucker takes the role of the nutso friend and drives it straight to the place you’d expect and drops it off there without taking us anywhere. Some other guy (John Ortiz) plays the BF and you watch him going, “Yeah, he’s the BF because he’s acting the way the BF is supposed to”.
But Bradley Cooper (who is the person i will sleep with right after Eliza Dushku if i go gay) and Jennifer Lawrence (who i would sleep with first no matter what) fucking nail their characters. They play crazy perfectly because they don’t “play crazy”, they play crazy people trying to act normal which is a whole hell of a lot more realistic.
“You overpaid for your track suit, babe.”
The other good thing about this (yeah, i’ll skip the part about how De Niro finally gets his acting chops into a meatier role than he’s been served in a long time) is the director who’s some guy called David O. Russell (who also directed the fuckin’ excellent The Fighter). The cool thing about his directing is that you don’t notice it, which is what good directing is about (unless you go the other way where the directing is the best part of the movie, like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula or Andrew Niccol’s Lord of War).
Everything comes together in this movie and chips in to elevate it above the normal level of a rom-coma and even if that doesn’t make it Oscar worthy, it still makes it worth a viewing.
Meanwhile, at the same sex marriage gala…
Sex: 2½ Shots
“No, that’s a roll of dimes I keep in my pocket.”
Sure, i love Jennifer Lawrence (“Tiffany” in this movie), but more importantly i like her a lot. She’s hot but she wasn’t always hot and she won’t always be hot but what she will always be is a good actress and fucking cool. For the good actress part all you have to do is watch Silver Linings Playbook to see what i mean and for the cool part check out these quotes.
Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody’s like, ‘How can you remain with a level head?’ And I’m like, ‘Why would I ever get cocky? I’m not saving anybody’s life. There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.
Or, and this is my personal favorite,
I went to the doctor today and got a chest X-ray of my lungs and discovered that my breasts are uneven! That was all I saw.
You know me (and if you don’t, my breasts are uneven too), i’m all about the investigative journalism, so let’s take a close up and personal look at this, shall we?
Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Like with most of the actresses, there are single shots of Jennifer in my drawers, down below. Just scroll all the way down until you hit the “Continue reading” link and then do just that.
Another wonderful actress gracing this movie is Julia Plenty of Stiles (aka “Veronica” here). i’ve liked her ever since i didn’t see her that one Heath Ledger movie (10 Things I Hate About You) but saw some Stiles stills and she was gorgeous and it was kinda like this.
Julia Stiles Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
What else is good about SLP? Here’s the blow by blow from my notes:
One of my favorite lines from the movie was more about sex than romance. This exchange is between Bradley Cooper’s character (Pat) and a guy taking advantage of Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) sexually.
Jordie
How am I being rude?Pat
Oh, you know. You know. Come on. Sometimes it’s [casual sex] okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun, and sometimes it’s not okay because they got a broken wing, and they’re hurt, and they’re an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed.
i already talked about the woman naked wife in the shower in the blow by blow and her name is Brea Bee and she’s this kind of ginger hot.
Regency Boies graced us, the screen and the film with her brief yet remarkable presence as “Regina”.
Also making the film a better place to be is Samantha Gelnaw, who played Jake’s Finacée.
For those of you more into quick passes than tight ends, there was Bradley Cooper in this.
Bradley Cooper rocking the sober in the Bar None
Drink: 2½ Shots
There was tons of drinking and drink references but it didn’t ply a serious role in the movie and that’s what 2½ shots tastes like.
Here’s the blow by blow:
PAT
Danny was in for assault because of crystal meth and alcohol.DANNY
Bad combination.—Pat explaining to his mother why Danny was with him in the mental hospital
“LOL, we’re drinking expensive champagne and you sold out for a cheap ass Bud.”
Don’t drink too much, don’t hit anybody, you’ll be fine.
—Pat Sr. (Robert De Niro) giving his son advice before a football game
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
It’s not my fault everything is 2½ shots, talk to the movie. i went 2½ here because the soundtrack has some really cool songs (two White Stripes jams, and even some Zeppelin!) but not all of the songs are on the OST, so don’t buy it without checking it out closely first.
Some guy way cooler than me over at a real blog called Indiewire put together a complete list of all the songs in the movie, not just the ones on the soundtrack.
A cool song on both, which is not necessarily rock and roll, is “Girl from the North Country” by Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, Norman Blake, W.S. Holland & Marshall Grant.
The Waiting Room at the Wig Salon
Written by:
Matthew Quick (novel “The Silver Linings Playbook”)
David O. Russell (screenplay)
The short bus just got shorter
Directed by: David O. Russell
Starring
Jennifer Lawrence – Tiffany
Jacki Weaver – Dolores
Julia Stiles – Veronica
Brea Bee – Nikki
Regency Boies – Regina
Samantha Gelnaw – Jake’s Fiancée
Bradley Cooper – Pat
Robert De Niro – Pat Sr.
Chris Tucker – Danny
Anupam Kher – Dr. Cliff Patel
John Ortiz – Ronnie
Great date movie because it’s almost a great movie.
Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.
It’s all over but the photos (and a quick script excerpt). Read on only if you don’t want to read on, but prefer to look instead.
Drunk Girl Panties Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Michele McLaughlin: The Youth Ahead – Has anyone Seen My Underwear
[Press 'Play' to hear what angels sing---when they're drunk.]
This the kind of story i can get into. This cute young lady was taken all the way down because she got drunk and ran through her apartment complex in her panties. This is the hole truth and i don’t know how deep i need to get into this but i’ll go as deep as i can.
Michelle was a busy little beaver at her friend’s and went down in her underwear at 4:30am to snatch something from her car but couldn’t come again back into the apartment building because she was unable to find her way.
Bar None Artist’s Sketchy Memory
As Michelle isn’t a pussy, she tooted her own horn for 20 minutes to get her friend’s attention and when that didn’t work, she tried to open every apartment door on the 2nd floor and climaxed by setting off the fire alarm.
The neighbors wanted some piece so they called the cops; that’s when the arresting officer noticed that she was without pants. And appeared intoxicated.
Bar None Artist’s Misdirection
By the way, all this happened down under. Under where? Florida, of course.
i was attacked by a Panda
At the end of January, a vicious Panda was set loose in the Bar None. He got in and gutted my blog, causing me to hemorrhage readers at an alarming rate. Currently, i’m trying to staunch the flow with my words and stimulate blood flow with the photos, but the losses are severe.
I’ll show you a picture of that but, be warned, it’s not for the faint of heart.
Guess what day the Panda SEO algorithm took effect.
Would i rather have the the readership i had before being Panda raped? Of course i would. What will this change? Unfortanately…nothing. i didn’t opoen the Bar None to be famous, that was only the cool part. i set up shop because i love to write about this kind of shit and i will continue to write this shit whether my readership is one or one million. i’m here for me, when it comes down to it, and i’m staying.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.
From the juiced-box (kinda…) and the soundtrack: Preparation for Attack – Alexandre Desplat & the London Symphony Orchestra
[Press 'Play' for Jazzical, jazz mixed with classical]
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk on Irish coffees? They’re dark and sweet and bitter and you don’t realize how much of them you’ve drunk because they’re so smooth but the real problem is you’re drinking them in a bar, squeezed into a booth and the caffeine kicks in pretty damn quick and so your leg starts to bounce and you squirm in your seat and you really have to pee but you’re trapped between a passed out Marine who’s packing and a girl you have a crush on that you’d rather crawl on than over so the tension mounts and the pressure builds and you catch yourself having a super suspenseful time even if there’s not a lot of action. That’s what sitting through Zero Dark Thirty is like.
Jessica Chastain accidentally enters the Men’s Room
Kathryn Bigelow is cool and hot which is good because it means the movies she makes are exactly like that and Zero Dark Thirty is no exception. What’s not to like about a film that has action and hot actresses and not even a scentilla (it means ‘a little whiff’, and yes, it’s a word, can’t you see i just wrote it?) of romance. Making this more of a macho movie than both The Expendables combined.
Kathryn Bigelow makes good decisions (well, apart from marrying James Cameron) and this movie is full of the good decisions like telling the story of killing Been Lauden through a girl’s eyes. The other good decision was about the torture and you know me (and if you don’t, you don’t know the meaning of torture, kiddo), the closest i get to political is listening to Rage Against the Machine so i’m not going to the torture place in this blog (apart from my writing style). Alls i’m gonna say is that Bigelow made the right decision starting off the movie with authentic cell phone recordings left behind by 911 victims from the Twin Towers or the planes. That shot of reality will sober you right the fuck up and put the torture scenes in the right perspective.
“I’ll tell you whatever you want, just no more Nic Cage.”
Another good decision Big&Low made was not to go too intense with the torture. Maybe you wanna know if the torture scenes were too much and lemme tell you they were just enough. i’m a wimp when it comes to shit like torture and rape scenes in movies and the older i get the wimpier i become and i’m very fuckin’ older so if i think the torture wasn’t too traumatic, you probably won’t either.
Other than that, Zero Dark Thirty is a good drama and a good thriller and a good detective movie and a good espionage movie and a good action movie (especially the last 30 minutes) and when you have all those good movies mixed up in one, it can really suck sometimes but here it doesn’t because it’s good.
A quick game of ‘How Deep Can You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets’
So why only 3½ Shots? Because it’s all of those things that make it good that i just mentioned. Where The Hurt Locker took new ground and not just broke it but blew the shit out of it (if a little unevenly), Zero Dark Thirty stays within the parameters of the mission and gets the job done but without any of the shock and awe i was hoping for.
Sex: 1½ Shots
For the first time, 1½ shots is actually a good thing. No i haven’t gone Bieber on you, i’m just saying that in an action film the only kind of nudity you want is nudity in action, like bare breasted females fighting topless or something and short of that, just give me pretty ladies and hold the romance, please. Which is what Bigelow gives us here.
In case you were worried i’m becoming too politically correct, here’s the notes i took:
i don’t know if i knew Jessica Chastain (“Maya”) or not before this movie but what i do know is i love her hair. i’ve always had a thing for gingers (or ‘strawberry blondes’ as we called them at my end of the bush) and the other nice thing about Jessica is that she can act better than you, and this i know because she was nominated for an Academy Award and you weren’t.
The drapes DO match the…drapes.
Fun trivia: Jessica Chastain likes cleavage so much, even her chin has cleavage. Check out the picture i just posted. And then check out this.
Jessica Chastain Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Before i forget, there are solo shots of the actresses filling my drawers. Just scroll to the bottom of this post until you see the headline.
We were blessed with two actresses whose talent was matched only by their beauty. Unfortunately, their appearances on screen were like touching myself in the shower (over all too quick), but don’t worry, i’ll post some shots here so that you can make the moment last.
Starting with Lauren Shaw (“Lauren” in the movie) who is not just drop dead gorgeous and also and actress but is a stunt woman as well. How cool is that!? i’ll fucking tell you how cool it is, it’s way fucking cool.
Lauren Shaw Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Wrapping things up is the beautiful Jessica Collins (“Debbie”). The first time i fell in love with her was when she played the Miniature Killer in CSI, and then i got to fall in love with her again in her brief appearance here. i also want it to go on record that she has the cutest nose. If you ever find yourself wondering what kind of nose i like, it’s this kind.
Drink: 2 Shots
There were enough references to keep me busy scrawling shit in my little notebook throughout the movie which means about 2 shots.
We got lots of wine.
Good, bring me back a bottle.
–phone conversation between Maya & Jessica
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
It’s like i was talking about in the intro section, there’s a lot of tension and suspense even if there’s not a lot of action. Until the last 30 minutes, which is a close to real time account of what it looked like when they wasted Ben.
“That man is playing Galaga. Thought we wouldn’t notice…but we did.”
Apart from the nice score that Alexandre Desplat made, the music in Zero Dark Thirty is rock and roll. Well, there’s only one other song and it’s not on the soundtrack and it’s the song they play to torture a guy with: Rorschach – Pavlov’s Dog
[Press 'Play' for the music that tortures people]
Written by: Mark Boal
Directed by: Kathryn Bigelow
Starring
Jessica Chastain – Maya
Jennifer Ehle – Jessica
Lauren Shaw – Lauren
Jessica Collins – Debbie
It’s my #3 favorite Oscar movie (of the 5 i’ve seen—#1 being Argo and Django Unchained a very close #2), which means it’s definitely worth a look-see.
The Hurt Locker Booze Revooze
Green Zone Booze Revooze
The Expendables Booze Revooze
Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.
It’s all over but the sexy shots of the actresses with no witty text…or the text i had in this review.
Go Home Airplane. You’re Drunk.
Too fucking high. i’ve been spending so much time in the dregs lately i’m to the point where i can come up with themes. Today’s theme is “Too Fucking High” ’cause there’s some weird shit going down when people get up, up and away.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to the airheads: Eminem – Superman
[Press 'Play' for "till then just sit your drunk ass on that fuckin' runway hoe"]
Bar None Artist’s Misconception of Kolbjorn Kristiansen
American “Fly Like An” Eagle pilot Kolbjorn Kristiansen was soaring even before he got on the plane. He showed up for his 7 a.m. flight with his BAC already up there and booze on his breath obvious enough for “a witness” to call the sky cops who pulled Cold Bro off the plane and took his ass down, along with the rest of him.
Question: how can you tell if a pilot is FWI (Flying While Intoxicated)? It’s not like there are lines to tell if he’s swerving or anything.
Kolbjorn Jarle Kristiansen Mug Shot
January 4, 2013: A Little Tied Up
Assume trashed positions. Gudmundur Karl Arthorsson of vodka on Iceland decided to get red eyes on the red eye. He drank an entire fifth of duty free booze in the first 2 hours of a 6-hour flight, started grabbing the women next to him but they weren’t the meat or the fish on economy menu. So he spat on some other people to get them as lubricated as he was and then commenced screaming that the plane was going to crash.
After he began choking some dude, the other passengers wanted to get in on the in-fight entertainment so they banded together with some flight attendants and latched his fat behind to the seat. His head was in the clouds but his ass was in a sling.
November 24, 2012: Muddle of Pudd
Who else other than you is glad their name isn’t Gudmundur? Wes Scantlin, singer of the defunked group Puddle of Mudd. Wes is glad because he pulled the same shit as Gudmundur on an airplane but wasn’t bound and gagged…until he landed in Austin, TX. ‘Cept the plane was going to L.A. Why did the plane land in Texas? For the soul purpose of getting “Scat” off it.
Wes Scantlin Mug Shot
Apparently during the flight he got wasted and then got in a fight with the crew when they wouldn’t sell him booze. i’m thinking it’s not that they wouldn’t but that they couldn’t because he done drank it all.
In an effort to be impaired and unbalanced, i will state for the record that the charges against the Wesser of Two Evils were dropped last November due to lack of evidence.
November 30, 2012: General Inhospitable
Not to be undone by Wes, this soap opera diva got popped before she could get in the aria.
Senait Ashenafi, one time “star” of “General Hospital” was discharged from a plane in Dallas (proving once again that Texas is like Lindsay Lohan: people wanna be drunk when they’re in it) because, basically, she wasn’t being treated like someone of her status. Like she’s the Pope, or even the President, or even Oprah Herself for god’s sake.
Senait Ashenaf Mug Shot
Senait “Investigation” got pissed off because she was seated in economy and not first class. So, no-class babe that she is, she took it out on a flight attendant. i tell you what, just writing these dregs today is given me a whole new respect and pity for flight attendants.
Police came and busted her for public intoxication, which is not all that easy to spot in Texas.
December 27, 2012: What a Pisser!
My favorite thing about the Twilight movies is now the werewolves.
Think about it. Vampires drink blood so they’re of no real interest to alkies, but werewolves are like booze hounds on crack.
Wolfman Jacked: A Bar None Artist’s Deception
Case in point, Bronson Pelletier, aka Jared the Werewolf in the Twilight movies got drunk in an airport and decided to mark his territory like any self rejecting werewolf. There he was peeing all over the place when security came pissed off and arrested him. My second favorite part was were he denied it. My favorite part was when the video of him doing it surfaced days later.
Saint Pauly did it again. His reviews are like Justine Bieber naked: You don’t wanna laugh, but you can’t help yourself.
Click on the link and tell me i’m wrong.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: RZA – Ode to Django (The D is silent)
[Press 'Play' for "Two beers for two weary travelers"]
Final Proof: 4½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a video game? It gets so bad you don’t feel like you’re playing it but that you’re in it, deep in it, no longer a player but the real thing, absorbed and walking around someone else’s alternative reality. The violence is larger ‘n’ life is shorter and the blood is redder with the bad guys deader and there’s lots of action from beginning to end and if it won’t break at least you can bender. While you’re staggering through all the various levels releasing souls left and right and some of the levels may resemble each other but it’s still tons of fun with ultra violence so far gone it’s exciting and hilarious at the same time with the blaring music egging you on deeper into the story where each doorway opens onto a surprise more intense until you reach the Boss ending. Django Unchained is like that video game.
Horsing Around
i told myself i was gonna give this movie ½-shot less than i gave Inglourious Basterds, but Inglourious Basterds should’ve been a 5-shot movie and you can tell i wrote that review in my drinking days because i didn’t give it all it was due. So ½-shot less than the 5 i should of given Inglourious Basterds makes this an even 4½.
Why ½-shot less? Because Django Unchained is the second shot from the same bottle of Inglourious Basterds. In IB we had the holocaust, in DU we have slavery. In IB we had Brad Pitt, in DU we have Leonardo DiCaprio. In IB we have Bowie as an anachronism, in DU it’s pre-civil war rap. The good news is, if you liked Inglourious Basterds, you’re going to like Django Unchained–and i fucking loved Inglorious Basterds.
Beating a Dead Horse
The other little thing i didn’t feel so much was how the ending went long. It was like after closing time and you’re the bartender and that one lonely chick is babbling on and on and you’re too polite to walk out on her, but still you pay more attention to your watch than you do her. Tarantino could’ve ended this 10 minutes earlier’s all i’m sayin’.
Now for the easy part. What went right.
i like Tarantino a lot and i’ll tell you why it’s because he makes fun movies with talent. He’s Dostoevsky writing comics. Rodin with Silly Putty. A French chef preparing deep fried bacon. He takes tacky and makes it art, transforms kitsch into cool.
Suddenly, Jamie Foxx realized she was on her period.
But he had help here, and the help i’m talking about are the cast because the actors here acted the shit out of everything. Christoph Waltz as Django’s mentor Dr. King Schultz was good, no doubt about it, but Waltz’s good in everything and here he only got to act in one language, not like Inglourious Basterds where he got to rock in 3 languages. It was fun seeing Don Johnson again and he’s looking pretty good and acting the part but the real acting was done by Jamie Foxx who was Django and he was Django for real. To be Django he had to be proud yet cool when he was in the shit and Foxx played both sides of that double edged dagger to perfection.
But you know who was also just as good was Samuel L Jackson who played Stephen the head slave. i didn’t even recognize him at first and the way Stephen came to life as this sassy boss slave who knew exactly how far he could push it before going too far, yet so loyal to the system that trapped him was inspiring. i don’t remember if Jackson got nominated for an Oscar for this role, but he sure should’ve ahead of Waltz, in my blog.
Kentucky Fried Johnson
i’m not ignoring the women. Hell, you know me and if you don’t i’m the one who bought you that drink just before he threw up on your shoes that one time, i’m all about giving the women their credit. The only problem with that here is that there weren’t a whole lot of women in slave times. The ladies in this movie do the part justice, but don’t have very meaty characters to flesh out. A notable exception is Laura Cayouette who is Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, a proper southern lady. Cayoutte give us lots to smile about with her tongue in cheeky portrayal.
“I’m so gonna nail this babe!”
Tarantino has a gift and he’s giving it to us hard here, pushing it all the way home. He has a feeling for film that goes deeper than any other director and can reach places no one else can. You will laugh out loud, you will turn your head in disgust, you will lean on the edge of your seat and your eyes will be angry that they can’t look everywhere at the same time. Your muscles will clench your hands will sweat and you will hold your breath for two hours while your mad eyes burn from not blinking.
Some people are gonna wanna tell you this is too violent but that’s a load of horseshit because it’s true. This is Tarantino for fuck’s sake. Do people complain about the nudity in porn? The swearing in rap? The fat in Denny’s meat? Of course they do, but the fuckers that do need to be taken out back and shot because porn, Tarantino and Denny’s meat fulfill their higher purpose and answer the call with no hangups. “If you don’t like the shit, climb out of the outhouse,” my Grandpa used to say (or would’ve if he was as fucked up as me).
It’s Hammer Time!
Sex: 2 Shots
The funny thing is, i was sure there were a couple nude scenes in Django Unchained, but then when i look back at my notes (during movies i take notes like a teenager in sex ed) i can’t find any reference to nudity. And i’m the kinda guy that would reference that. So i brought this down from 3 Shots to 2.
Sex Ed, Lesson 1: You have to take off your clothes first.
Here’s the only shit i wrote down about the sex in Django Unchained:
Still, even if there’s a shortage of naked in Django, there’s no shortage of talent…or beauty.
My first piece of evidence is Kerry Washington, who plays Broomhilda just right.
Kerry Washington Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
As with most of the actresses i’ll exposé here, there’s some single shots of Kerry all the way down at the bottom if you scroll to the part where it says “Al K Hall’s Drawers”.
After that, there’s also Nichole Galicia, who is Sheba, Calvin Candie’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) bit of dark chocolate whose job is apparently to sit around the plantation, drink, and look like this.
Nichole Galicia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Appearing as Candie’s sister, Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, is the lovely and gifted Laura Cayouette. Here’s some of her gifts.
Laura Cayouette Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
And don’t forget Amber Tamblyn as the Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter. And when she looks like this, how could you?
Amber Tamblyn Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Some of the actresses that were in Django Unchained far too briefly for my taste…
Zoë Bell, as “Tracker”, and how sad but cool was it that she wore a bandanna over her face the entire movie?
Zoë Bell in the Bar None
Louise Stratten was a Daughtrey Saloon Girl.
As was Shannon Hazlett, the other Daughtrey Saloon Girl.
Last but not at all least is the adorable Sharon Pierre-Louis who came as Little Jody.
For those of you more interested in Southern Beaus than Southern Belles, we have…
Leonardo DiCaprio…in the Bar None.
Leonardo Dicaprio in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here’s Mr Beau Django himself, Jamie Foxx.
Jamie Foxx Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some shots of him at the top of my drawers down below.
Drink: 3 Shots
Booze played a big role in Django Unchained even if it didn’t play that important of one, which is a perfect 3 shot recipe.
Good morning, Innkeeper! Two beers for two weary travelers.
–Dr. King Shultz escorting Django into a saloon [and also the start to the song at the top of this post]
Polynesian Pearl, and do not spare the rum.
–DiCaprio [Calvin Candie]
Django Unchained Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
To Eskimo Joe, or shall we call him the Black Hercules.
Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots
And i woulda gone a full 5 shots if the ending hadn’t dragged on a little.
Besides, how have you not stolen / bought / copied / torrented / use netted the soundtrack to Django Unchained yet? It’s not rock and roll but it’s almost better. Tarantino has an incredible ear for this kind of shit because the soundtrack goes everywhere from spaghetti Western guitar shit (Ennio Morricone) to 70′s shit (Jim Croce “I Got A Name” and Richie Havens “Freedom”, unfortunately not on the soundtrack album) to some kickass rap, like the song i put at the top and this one i’mma include right here.
Rick Ross (written by Jamie Foxx) – 100 Black Coffins
Add to this cool ass music the Tarantino action that redefines action the same way God redefined earth when he invented it, and you see why i gave this some bitch so much respect.
Written by: Quentin Tarantino
Directed by:
Quentin Tarantino
Ah, to be with friends and shoot the breeze.
Starring
Kerry Washington – Broomhilda
Nichole Galicia – Sheba
Laura Cayouette – Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
Amber Tamblyn – Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter
Zoë Bell – Tracker
Louise Stratten – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Shannon Hazlett – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Sharon Pierre-Louis – Little Jody
Jamie Foxx – Django
Christoph Waltz – Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio – Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson – Stephen
Don Johnson – Big Daddy
See it. This is that “Holy Shit” moment you been waiting on for awhile now.
Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.
That’s it for the words. For those of you who continue, there’s nothing but the pictures.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to the Bieby: The Murder City Devils – Alcohol
[Press 'Play' for the "story about a sinner / He used to be a winner ... It turned him to the booze"]
January 2, 2013: You Better Belieb It
Remember how i’m a great investigative journalist? It’s OK if you forgot ’cause i’m gonna remind here with this shocking story that Justin Beiber killed a man. Not with his own bare hands, of course, the only thing Leave it to Bieber could kill is a buzz but he has enough cash to pay for the sins of all mankind so he for sure has enough to pay for the sin of murder.
Justin Cider bumped off the papparazzo who was following him the afternoon of January 1, 2013. Why? Because the pap smear wanted proof the little Beiby smoked weed? Are you kidding? Did you not know marijuana is now for all intensive purposes legal everywhere in the United States? Besides, Justinches clearly has a medical prescription for his stunted mental and physical growth. However, look at this picture more closely.
Justin Beerber
You see that on the table in front of him? i fuckin’ hope so because i circled it in red and drew a giant arrow right at it for you. It’s a bottle of Corona Extra beer. This means that child starlette Justin Bieber had one of his marijuana thug friends whack the photographer to hide the terrible secret Bieber was willing to kill to keep: Justin Bieber broke the law by drinking underage.
You kinda heard it hear first except you read it.
Bar None Artist’s Deception
Nancy Stelle
A little shout out to the Bar None’s very own Nancy Stelle (and if i keep saying that long enough it may just come true). Her movie, Argo, won Best Picture and Best Director (for Ben Affleck) at this year’s Golden Globes and is Academy Award nominated for Best Motion Picture.
One more shout out, this time to all you Beer Maids and Barhounds. Sometime earlier this month (i was too busy being sober to notice exactly when), the Bar None crossed the line of 3,000,000 patronizers. Now that’s a lot of zeroes, and i appreciate you being one of them.
i opened the Bar None on July 19, 2009 and even in the drunkest of dreams i never could have imagined that only 3½ short years later i would be serving up this shit to over 3,000,000 drinkers, drunks, and alcoholics anonymous. i’m humbled and buzzing with gratitude.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eddie Redmayne, Daniel Huttlestone & Students – Drink with Me
[Press 'Play' for "Let the wine of friendship never run dry..."]
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a French karaoke bar? Everyone is singing in English but something’s still not quite right and you don’t know if it’s you because of how fucked up you are or because of how fucked up everyone else is in the spotlight singing strange songs strangely, songs you’ve never heard of or heard before and you start to wonder if you haven’t stumbled into French gay hell. Even weirder are all the people in the bar who are really getting into it and you don’t know how you missed the ass they’re riding in on but you’re sure as hell not getting off at the same place they are. Still, it’s fun to watch everyone from a distance because they’re cute or drunk or funny but never all 3 together unfortunately. So you were kind of dreading going but it was distracting and more than once entertaining even if that was only from laughing at the show and the whack-jobs watching it. That’s kinda what Les Misérables was like.
The Villlager People
It’s not the film’s fault but i forgot this was a musical even if it technically isn’t but is an opera instead. Yes, this is far worse. Not just bad. Opera bad.
One of the many things i have never understood is the concept of Musicals. i’m especially curious to know what the first ever musical was. i want to know this so i can go back in time and kill the fucker who wrote it and thus perhaps save the universe from the monumental pain the opera fat ass that is Opera.
People walk around spontaneously combusting into song at the drop of a top hat? What kind of sick ass word is that? Tell you what, i see some some beach dancing in the streets, i’mma run his skippy ass down. If god wanted us to sing everything that crossed our minds, he would of made me deaf. Not just deaf. Opera deaf.
Jacques in a Box
So, what was good about this other than its ending? It was funny watching Russel Crowe sing, but no so much fun hearing it. Maybe my favorite part of the film was the French history in it, and that should tell you how much i didn’t like the singing. Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were cool and their songs sucked less than everyone else’s. That’s about it.
My absolute favorite part? Other than the special movie theater i went to that had first class airplane electronic recliner chairs with a tray and waiters that delivered to your seat (i shit you totally not), my favorite part was the 15 year old i was with telling me she liked it. i was so relieved that this automatically went to 3 shots for me. Plus, she may read this one day and i told her i liked it so i don’t want to be a liar.
My barber also does my tassles.
Speaking of underage…Isabelle Allen is only 10 so i’m going to card her cute little ID right here so that she doesn’t get mixed up with all the vulgarity to follow. She played Young Cosette but there was nothing amateur about her performance. If the crazy skilz she displayed here are any indication, her future will be as winning as her smile. And not just winning. Opera winning.
Sex:1 Shot
Anne Hathaway is so dirty
First off Anne Hathaway is beautiful and she’s in this movie and she worked hard for the Oscar nom nom. She went so far as to flash her brillo patch to raise up awarenesses under the Motion Picture Board and i know she keeps saying she feels terribly embarrassed about it but there’s no way a woman who was already smeared by the paps when she wore a see-through top [and if you've forgotten the glory of that precious moment, here's a Bar None Wallpaper to jog more than your memory] would forget to wear her underwear unless she was hoping for some big publicity or at least a gentle press.
Anyway, Hathaway did a good job playing Fantine in the movie and wants everyone to know it. Hell, don’t hide your light under a bushel, Anne. Like i won’t hide this.
Anne Hathaway Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some single shots of her lurking in my drawers down below. Just scroll to the bottom and click on the “Continue reading” link.
Amanda Seyfried (Cosette) showed up in this movie too which is nice because it gives me an excuse to show you this.
Amanda Seyfried Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some single shots of her as well, in my drawers down there.
Plus i really liked the final female lead Samantha Barks / Éponine because she is more normal beautiful than the famous beauties and i’m a fan of normal beauty. Here’s an example.
Samantha Barks Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i’ll have some more single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to see if Barks is worse than her bite.
Finally, Helena Bonham Carter, Her Lady of Ultimate Coolness did a great job in this movie as Madame Thénardier (to Sacha Baron Cohen’s Thénardier). i’ve already exposéd her a couple of times here and clicking on the cleavage will take you to that stack of photos.
The supremely talented Frances Ruffelle played “Whore 1″.
Not to be outdone, Charlotte Spencer plays “Whore 3″. Lots of whoring going on in this movie with lots of not nudity. Seems the writers didn’t really grasp the whole concept of whores.
For those of you more into Tenor 11 inches, there was Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier.
Sacha Baron Cohen in the Bar None
Sacha Baron Cohen Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Aaron Tveit as Enjolras.
And Eddie Redmayne as Marius.
Drink: 1 Shot
Could’ve been worse. Not that there was tons of drinking but i liked what there was, which was basically Sacha Baron Cohen and his inn and people getting drunk inn there.
Here’s the blow by blow:
Rock & Roll: 0 shots
Seriously, did you know most of the songs here don’t even rhyme? How fucked up is that? Just because you use a stupid singing voice when you say shit doesn’t mean you’re singing.
Check this out and read the lyrics…
Before you say another word, Javert
Before you chain me up like a slave again
Listen to me! There is something I must do.
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.
There is none but me who can intercede,
In Mercy’s name, three days are all I need.
Then I’ll return, I pledge my word.
Do you believe that bullshit? Or, as i write in my latest song:
Do you believe that bullshit.
It’s so stupid.
All Washed Up
Written by:
Victor Hugo (novel)
Claude-Michel Schönberg & Alain Boublil (book)
Herbert Kretzmer (lyrics)
Alain Boublil & Jean-Marc Natel (original: French text)
James Fenton (additional text)
William Nicholson (screenplay)
Directed by: Tom Hooper
Starring
Anne Hathaway – Fantine
Amanda Seyfried – Cosette
Helena Bonham Carter – Madame Thénardier
Samantha Barks – Éponine
Isabelle Allen – Young Cosette
Frances Ruffelle – Whore 1
Charlotte Spencer – Whore 3
Hugh Jackman – Jean Valjean
Russell Crowe – Javert
Sacha Baron Cohen – Thénardier
Eddie Redmayne – Marius
Aaron Tveit – Enjolras
“Yes! I love this fence, too!”
Apart from the singing parts, though, Les Misérables was OK. Take out the songs and you got yourself a so-so movie here.
Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.
I’s all over but the hotness. Keep going for the hot shots.
January 8, 2013: Happy New Whore!
Georgia Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
From the juiced box and dedicated to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa: Machine Gun Kelly – LTFU (One More Time)
[Press 'Play' for "For the unforgettable nights we couldn't take in / Cause we were to busy guzzlin the gin / All in, til we spew it up / My city love me so whenever I'm home / I get the messages saying that it is on"]
Charlie Sheen has got himself a new whore. After Bree Olson’s twins dumped him, he’s now seeing Georgia “On My Mind” Jones, who’s way classier because she only does lesbian (see above wallpaper, in case you missed it) or solo (check out my drawers down below). But she’s not what i mean by “new whore” and if that’s what you thought i meant then you don’t know me very well because i’d never call a woman that and especially not one who is one.
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
No, Charlie’s new bit on the side is none other than Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. The two Californicators partied together in Cabo San Lucas (which is messican for “Party Central”), MeXXXico.
Charlie Sheen tweeting from the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Antonio Villaraigosa in the Bar None
Sheen had this to say about it.
“He can drink with the best of ‘em: Me.”
The two boys spoke for hours and drank tons and all around hit it off so well that now his Dishonor is going into denial, telling everyone that the meeting was only a quickie. Knowing Sheen as well as Georgia Jones, 3 minutes sounds about right.
Here’s the Bar None artist’s rejection of what partying with Antonio Villaraigosa would be like.
Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.
The single shots of Gorgeous Georgia Jones are right here, just click on the link.
