This the kind of story i can get into. This cute young lady was taken all the way down because she got drunk and ran through her apartment complex in her panties. This is the hole truth and i don’t know how deep i need to get into this but i’ll go as deep as i can.
Michelle was a busy little beaver at her friend’s and went down in her underwear at 4:30am to snatch something from her car but couldn’t come again back into the apartment building because she was unable to find her way.
Bar None Artist’s Sketchy Memory
As Michelle isn’t a pussy, she tooted her own horn for 20 minutes to get her friend’s attention and when that didn’t work, she tried to open every apartment door on the 2nd floor and climaxed by setting off the fire alarm.
The neighbors wanted some piece so they called the cops; that’s when the arresting officer noticed that she was without pants. And appeared intoxicated.
Bar None Artist’s Misdirection
By the way, all this happened down under. Under where? Florida, of course.
Bar None Dregs
i was attacked by a Panda
At the end of January, a vicious Panda was set loose in the Bar None. He got in and gutted my blog, causing me to hemorrhage readers at an alarming rate. Currently, i’m trying to staunch the flow with my words and stimulate blood flow with the photos, but the losses are severe.
I’ll show you a picture of that but, be warned, it’s not for the faint of heart.
Guess what day the Panda SEO algorithm took effect.
Would i rather have the the readership i had before being Panda raped? Of course i would. What will this change? Unfortanately…nothing. i didn’t opoen the Bar None to be famous, that was only the cool part. i set up shop because i love to write about this kind of shit and i will continue to write this shit whether my readership is one or one million. i’m here for me, when it comes down to it, and i’m staying.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Ferrari Girl Collage at the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
It’s that time of year where i write about September dregs in December. i’ll talk about things like Facebooked Teens, Red Bullshit, wrecked Ferraris, wrecked Ferrari drivers, Yo Ho Hoes, Jessica Alba’s Golden Globes, and oh oh oh so much more.
From the Juiced Box and dedicated to Vorayuth Yoovidhya and Bobby Brown: Stevie Wonder – Don’t Drive Drunk
[Press 'Play' to hear some kind of Wonder. Stevie never drove drunk, neither should you.]
What kind of mind do teens have? Teeny. But don’t take my words for it, get it straight from the asses’ mouth. Or Timeline, if that’s how you roll because these pocket scientists broke into a neighbors house, partied, puked and posted it all on Facebook.
Days later, the owner comes home from vacation, connects to Facebook and sees his own furniture being abused by these idiots. Why didn’t he know as soon as he walked in the front door? Because the kids rebroke in the day after the party and cleaned everything up. Which is not as stupid as it sounds, because cleaning is actually a very good cure for a hangover.
The cops are hot on the trail of the perps, though, and this i know because the wasted youth tagged all their pictures on Facebook. i weep for the future.
The question, though, that no one but me is asking is, What the hell was the neighbor guy doing Facebook stalking pictures of partying teens? Grinning and Pedo Baring it, i’ll bet.
Speaking of Facebook. Does anyone out there understand “Groups”? The Bar None has a Group Page on Facebook (and why you haven’t Liked it is beyond me–go there and do it now, please, lazy ass) and there’s a graph on it. Here let me show you.
The Bar None on Facebook
If you click on that image, you’ll see that i have “Reached” 1,433 people. What the fuck does that mean? i only have 35 Likes (at least until you just clicked on it a few seconds ago and i ‘preciate that, really) but i’ve reached well over a thousand. If you tell me i touched 1,500 people i’d say it was a conservative estimate but “Reach”? Can anybody tell me what this means? Thanks Drinkers, Drunks and Alcoholics anonymous.
What’s the most expensive piss you’ve ever taken? Unless it was on your future father in-laws shoes (while he was in them), on the windshield of an occupied police car or in the boss’s coffee cup, your most expensive piss probably won’t come close to the leak you’ll take when you piss away the money you spent on Westvleteren XII. It’s supposed to be the best beer ever made but the people who say this never got drunk with the girl of their dreams on a sailboat drifting over a sea of night watching shooting stars and realizing you have nothing left to wish for because all your wishes have come true.
Monks in Belgium make this brew to see God but they need some extra cash and God’s a little short so they’re selling it to us peons for the price of $85 (glasses included). At that price you might want to cross your legs and hold it in a little longer to get your money’s worth.
If you’re going to be a chronic alcoholic, go big or go boating. Alison Whelan was in a place called England (a heavily desserted Isle where they binge drink warm beer and take soccer way too fucking seriously), tripping on ‘shrooms (which is not my fucking business) and super drunk on Lambrini at the wrong end of a 2-day bender (which is my fucking business, and business is booming).
Alison Whelan Mug Shot
She snuck onto a ferry (the boat, not the slang term for most English men), called 999 to say she was having a seizure and after her boyfriend gave the EMTs shit, Alsion noticed the hotels on shore were getting smaller.
Realizing the boat had become unmoored and was floating out to sea, she told her matey that they were pirates now and kept yelling, “I’m Jack Sparrow” while the 2-storey ferry bounced off yachts in the port “like a pinball machine”, as prosecutors would later say.
i’m no expert–though i play one on this blog–but i’m thinking this episode may hurt her chances for the liver transplant she is currently waiting for…
September 6: Red Bull Leaves You Run Down
Next time you feel a little run down, like your dragging, check to make sure it’s not the Red Bull.
Vorayuth Yoovidhya Mug Shot
In a magical country known as Thigh Land, balls deep in Bangcock, there was some Red Bull shit when the 27-year-old hair in the throne of the energy drink magnet hit and ran some cop dead. Sure, the poor officer (or ‘very poor officer’) was dragged under the car but, far worse, the rich car guy totaled his car! A Ferrari!
Vorayuth Yoovidhya’s Ferrari (Bar None Dregs)
You know what? They should really make Ferrari’s drunk proof. Sure, Vorayuth Yoovidhya (pronounced ‘Very Hot You Video’) had a BAT of 0.63% but c’mon, he’s rich and rich people have different rules. He dropped a lot of cash on his car, the least it could do is keep him out of trouble.
Ferrari Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
All of us in denial recovery know that the first step to sobriety is thinking about admitting you have a problem. ‘Course Brown is at a disadvantage here because “thinking” is not his strong suit in the Bobby Brown DUI Mugshot Playing Card Deck.
Bobby Brown Bar None Mugshot Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Jessica Alba got drunk with the A-List (Alcohol List) to celebrate her Golden Globes noms (as in ‘nom nom’). Because ‘actor’ is how alcoholics spell ‘career’, Moët & Chandon champagne sponsored the event. Also on hand was Megan Fox who drank the champagne and may or may not be breast feeding, but writing “Megan Fox Breast Feeding” is one of the reasons i gave myself this job. Ed Helms (‘Andy’ from The Office and the dentist from The Hangover and The Hangover Part 2: Bad Remake) showed up too and could be heard slurring “Golden Globes sandwich” wherever he went.
Jessica Alba in the Bar None
Bukaki? No, Boozecocky
i jammed some more general sexy shots of her Golden Globes in my drawers, down at the bottom of this post.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Rob Zombie – Dragula
[Press 'Play' for a song they dance in the dark to]
I Got A Rise Out Of Her
Ramblings: Paranormal Re-Activity
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk and possessed by beer farts? You start in on the spirits and you already know what’s going to happen even before you begin but sure enough after the first glass you feel the tension terrify your ass and it stresses you out a little bit but the beer is good and your having such a good time you don’t want to stop so you keep adding liquid fuel to the gas and when the bubble finally bursts at least its not a piece of shit plus the wind makes you jump and some moments are bigger than others and some really freak you out but in the end of your end it’s “no shart, no foul” and you walk shakily away just happy it didn’t stink. Paranormal Activity 4 is a lot like that flatulence.
“Would you close the door? You’re letting all the demons in.”
i heard what you were saying about this movie before i went and i didn’t listen but believed you anyway so i really expected not a whole hell of a lot. Now, i’m not saying y’all were wrong but i am saying you weren’t right. OK, just uttering the words “Paranormal Activity 4″ is enough to make a toddler laugh but the fact it’s lost its cool factor doesn’t mean it’s not cool.
What do i know about it? What do i know about it? Are you forgetting i’m the guy who’s reviewed Paranormal Activity 1, Paranormal Activity 2 and Paranormal Activity 3? (What can i say– i needed counting practice.) Basically, they get better as they go along and i mean the movies, not my reviews which kick it from the start and never let up.
PA3 was the scariest of the series but instead of going one better, Paranormal 4 gasps and dies a little.
Disco is Back from the Dead
For those of you who want to see the movie but don’t remember what happened in the other Paranormals, here’s a cheat sheet for your lazy asses:
Paranormal Activity 1: (October 2006) Micah and Katie are harassed by a demon and record it on a digital camera. Paranormal Activity 2: (Prequel: September 2006) Kristi (Katie’s younger sister), her husband and her hot step daughter are bugged by the same demon and record it on digital home security cameras. Paranormal Activity 3: (Pre-prequel: 1998) Kristi and Katie are little girls and are stalked by a demon and their stepdad records it on videocassette camera. Paranormal Activity 4: (Sequel: November 2011) A blonde teen is tormented by an evil Ben with hormones, but also an evil spirit and the neighbor kid from across the street. Her adventures are mostly recorded on webcams and an Xbox.
You probably want to know what doesn’t work here and i get that so i’ll tell you, but it’s mostly minor things. Like at the beginning, Alex (Kathryn Newton) films stupid things that no one would ever film in real life but it just happens to be what we need to see to understand what the fuck the movie is about. Once she sets up webcams to figure out what the fuck is happening in her house, it gets a little more logicaller.
Bieber Demon
The bottom line is that the movie was good enough to “scare” me. i mean, i wasn’t huddled down under the seat but i was definitely tense and sure, most of the frights came from “got you” moments when things jump at the screen and most of the suspense was knowing things were going to jump out at you and you had to wait for it, but there were some genuine moments of creepy eeriness and those made the movie worthwhile.
“Mom, Kathryn is connecting Wyatt’s dots again!”
Kathryn Newton carried the movie well on her delicate shoulders and there were only a couple scenes where she had “actor in training” tattooed on her forehead. While we’re on that, i have to card Kathryn here because she’s only 15. [Meaning i won't put pictures of her with the seductive shots of the other actresses and I won't use any shots that are not obviously promotional shots from her team--nothing age inappropriate inside the Bar None, peeps.]
Kathryn Newton Bar None Wallpaper – Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Katie Featherston is amazing because she gets thinner and younger with each movie. It doesn’t make any sense in the story, but there’s definitely something out of this world playing with that girl and i’m thinking it’s because she sold her soul to the devil. Just sayin’. Here’s what i’m on about.
Katie Featherston Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
There are some single shots of Katie filling my drawers at the bottom of this post. Scroll down until you hit the “Read More” link.
Playing Paranormal’s MILF (Mother I’d Like To Frighten) is Alexondra Lee who goes something like this:
Alexondra Lee Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
IMDB lists Sprague Grayden (Katie’s sister Kristi) as being in the movie but i didn’t know that she didn’t film any nude new scenes for Paranormal 4 until i saw the film because they only used footage from Paranormal 2. Fortunately for you, i’d already downloaded all the shots so you get some Sprague shots in your face whether you want it or not.
Sprague Grayden Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Whatever, “Sprague” is still the coolest girl’s name ever and i’d so love to live naked with her for no other reason (except one or two) that we could have exchanges where i’d be all,
“Hey, Sprage-un.”
And she’d be all, “Dude…think of more cool nicknames for me.”
So i’d think for a minute and then i’d yell out,
“Sprag-a-Muffin!”
Ahh, the good ol’ days we haven’t had yet. Check my drawers for more spare Sprague shots.
Here’s the Flashback with Katie and Sprague
For those of you who are more into Incubus than Succubus, there’s the DILF (Dad i’d Like to Freak) Stephen Dunham.
Stephen Dunham
Stephen Dunham
Let’s talk about the spark between Ben and Alex (Kathryn Newton, who is too young to be talked about here but apparently her character isn’t). While it’s mentioned she’s still a virgin, her Ben Pal is definitely interested in piercing that mystery. Problem is, in real life Kathryn is only 15 and Matt Shively (Ben) is 22. Has he not heard of ½ your Age + 7? [On another age related note, Katie Featherston plays Sprague Grayden's older sister in the series, but IRL Katie is 2 years younger than her "younger sister".]
Matt Shively Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here’s a bonus of this Frog Prince.
Drink: ½ Shot
Nothing much to write home about, or here either for that matter. There were a couple references i jotted down in my notebook, though.
Dad drinks beer in front of the TV. Uses a glass.
Mom drinks wine. Uses a glass, too.
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
Yeah, i’ll go all the way up to 3 shots on this. The movie starts off a little slow but then kicks in and that’s gotta be worth something, as does the fact they included Rob Zombie’s “Dragula” (as did i at the top of this post) so all in all i feel good about rounding up to 3 shots on this.
“If he doesn’t come home soon, I’ll kill him. Course I’ll kill him if he does come home soon, too.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Chad Feehan – story
Christopher Landon – screenplay
Directed by: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman
Starring
Katie Featherston – Katie
Kathryn Newton – Alex
Sprague Grayden – Kristi
Alexondra Lee – Holly
Matt Shively – Ben
Stephen Dunham – Doug
Bottom Line
If it’s between Paranormal Activity 4 and a bad movie, choose this one.
See the date in the poster? November 9? Now look at the date i posted this review: October 27. Looks like i got the Sky-drop on y’all, thanks to living in Yeaman.
To prove i was actually there, here are the screen shots i took on my phone as proof.
Skyfall Screen Shot
Skyfall Screen Shot
Yes, i do realize they’re not pretty, but then the truth rarely is.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Adele – Skyfall
[Press 'Play' for a waste of a beautiful voice]
Ramblings: James Bondo
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk at Hard Rock Cafes? They got them all over the place and you feel the need to get drunk at every fucking one of them just because they’re there and once you start the tradition you can’t stop yourself because you’re an OCD mother fucker and you’re not exactly sure what would happen if you broke the chain but it would be very very bad so whatever city you visit you find the Hard Rock and each one’s got different memorabilia but you get drunk on the same overpriced beer and the waitresses all have different name tags but the same laminated smiles and big hair and even if every Hard Rock has a different theme it’s still like the McDonalds of hip dining. The restaurants may be in different cities but each binge happens exactly the same from the gals you drink with to the stories you tell and the big finish in the bathroom where your guts explode as they convert bar-food into barf-food. Tell you what, those Hard Rock Cafes are a lot like the James Bond chain male.
Very Public Restroom
What do you want me to say? Every Bond movie is a photocopy of Dr. No and with each successive remake, the story gets staler and the copy gets paler. They even tried introducing what intellectuals call a “theme” into this one but who wants to hear about the role of aging spies in the modern world? Seriously, i was yawning so much i almost didn’t see the card at the end that said James Bond would return which i promptly proceeded to interpret as a threat.
As for the film, the scenes were nice and the actors were good and the special effects were good enough you didn’t notice them but there was an alarming lack of action. The movie begins with a bang and a cool chase scene but then Sam Mendes gives up and just paints a pretty picture but do you know how much action there is in a portrait? None, just like Skyfall.
“I’m going to eat the whole WOOORRRLLLLLDDDD!!!!!”
Does Skyfall really deserve 2½ stars? Yes, because for all the talent and money that got thrown into this movie, what comes out the other end is just recycled marketing shit that stinks.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
Beautiful Women in a PG-13 world and just how sad is that? They got this beauty going on all over the place and then they keep hiding it from us.
Like Bérénice Marlohe… This hot French chick and they got her more covered up than a fat guy’s bed in an arctic winter. There’s a sex scene with her and Bond-ing in the shower where her lovely assets (and the rest of her, too) are clouded over by an opaque shower door. Good thing you came here because i got the very goods.
Bérénice Marlohe Skyfall Wallpaper in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for Full Size
There’s a lot of single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on the link that says “Read More”…
There’s also some sex innuendo (and where else would you put it?) between Eva (Naomie Harris) and Bond but there’s nothing up on the screen. Not like on your screens, anyway.
Naomie Harris Wallpaper in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
i also got a couple photos of her filling my drawers at the bottom of this post.
Coming (again and again) in as “Bond’s Lover” is the loverly 25-year-old Greek babe, Tonia Sotiropoulou.
Here’s some of that Bar None wallpaper action for you.
Tonia Sotiropoulou Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
And there are even hotter pics of her poking out of my drawers down there…
For those of you who are more into Guyfalls than Thighfalls, Daniel Craig does not show his penis in this movie.
i got this whole funny series of Daniel Craig pics in my drawers that you should check out.
Fans of Javier Bardem (who acts better than his hair) will be…surprised. Already his blonde locks look nearly as bad as Claire’s wig in Season 6 of Lost (yes, it’s obscure, get over it) but the best scene in the whole movie shows Silva (Javier Bardem) flirting with James Bond who is tied to a chair.
“You’ve got the cutest little chest hair… May I?”
As Silva is caressing Bond’s chest, he tells James something along the lines of “Your training hasn’t prepared you for this. You’re confused because it’s your first time,” to which James Bond retorts,
What makes you think it’s my first time?
Classic.
Here’s Javier’s first time…
Drink: 3 Shots
“I want you to shake it, not stir it.”
There was such a vast quantity of drinks that i have to give it at least 3 stars, even if the drinking wasn’t key to the plot. On the downside was all the product placement for Macallans and Heineken.
That said, remember that one rumor i promulgated (like you know what it means, either) about how Bond was going to saddle up to the bar and request a Heineken rather than a martini? Yeah, that didn’t happen, although he did tap a Heinie or two like in that still of him with Tonia Sotiropoulou in the Silken Butterfly section above.
Here’s the blow by blow:
PM’s assistant [Ralph Fiennes as Gareth Mallory] pours M [Dame Judy Dench] cognac in his office [i think it was Courvoisier]
Beer in bed with [Tonia] in Exotic land
In a bar, shots of whiskey with scorpion on his wrist, catches it with overturned empty glass
Empty bar, day after, whiskey at sunrise
Bond drinks whiskey waiting in M’s house
Run out of drink where you were?
M to Bond when he returns
H[eineken] in a bar fridge highlighted
After picking up 4 million at casino, girl says “Now you can afford to buy me a drink”. [Bond replies,] “I may stretch it to two.”
At bar he gets a shaken martini in a chilled glass he calls perfect
Drops earbud mic in Harris’s champagne glass
Iced champagne on the boat
50 year old Macallan, [Silva tells James it's,] “A favorite of yours.”
A toast to the women we love.
Silva drinks to a bound and gagged Sévérine (Bérénice Marlohe)
William Tell with a shot glass on Bérénice['s head]
Skyfall Over Drinking Game, a Bar None Exclusive
Rock & Roll: 1 Shot
1 shot and it was all the opening scene. After that there was either no action at all or the kind of action you could get at home watching CSI: Miami. i was sorely disappointed in this, i gotta tell you.
There was some 50′s rock song blasted from the helicopter blasting Skyfall (the name of the Bond family estate) but IMDB doesn’t have it listed yet and i left the movies before the credits because my son was impatient.
69 Caliber
Boring Technical Crap
“We’re going to sail around the globes.”
Written by:
Neal Purvis, Robert Wade & John Logan
Ian Fleming (characters)
Directed by: Sam Mendes
Starring
Judi Dench – M
Naomie Harris – Eve
Bérénice Marlohe – Sévérine
Tonia Sotiropoulou – Bond’s Lover
Daniel Craig – James Bond
Javier Bardem – Silva
Ralph Fiennes – Gareth Mallory
Bottom Line
Swear to god, James Bond is a zombie because he just keeps coming back, will not die and his movies usually bite.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alex Clare – Too close
[Press 'Play' for traditional credit rolling music crap]
Still Taken A Dump
Ramblings: Taken For A Ride
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with your girlfriend’s mother? She’s not as fresh or sexy as your girlfriend but she’s still pretty hot and exciting even if she just sips wine spritzers while your girlfriend does tequila eye shots with vodka tampons stuffed up her ass and while her mother samples glasses in wine bars your girlfriend drinks Captain Morgan’s from the bottle in back alleys and gas station bathrooms and while her mother stops drinking after three drinks (only one if she’s driving) your girlfriend only stops when she can no longer lift her arm to her mouth. Their looks are the basically same though, and their laugh is the same and their jokes are the same it’s just that your girlfriend is edgier, darker and a little more sinister. Taken 2 is exactly like your girlfriend’s mother that way.
Bird On A Ledge
Everybody kept talking about how great Taken was until i saw it and i don’t know if it was back when i was still drinking or not, but it’s the kind of movie i feel like i watched one afternoon while drunk and still drinking or hungover and still puking.
Which has fuck all to do with Taken 2 so i should probably talk a little about that here. Lazy people are going to tell yo if you liked Taken you’ll like Taken 2 and just because people are lazy doesn’t mean they can’t be right, which they are in this case. Because basically the story is the same as the first one except here the mom and dad get kidnapped instead of the girl, and so the movie is basically the same, which is actually a good thing because sometimes you think you’re going to see a good action movie and it turns out to be The Expendables.
“Hi, this sounds crazy, but I will find and kill you, maybe.”
Everything was normal and just as it should be with the actors doing their acting and the director doing the directing and the Key Grip doing the…you get the idea. The music was in the right key and the locations were the right amount of exotic so the whole movie felt like a coloring book that was colored extremely well where all the the colors were what they were supposed to be and stayed within the lines.
“Sorry, Dad, all I’ve got is Apple Maps.”
But the thing that left me wanting wasn’t (just) Maggie Grace, it was that the movie didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. Sure, it’s a good thing and no, i’m not going to watch Irreversible or whatever the fuck that French movie with the 6 hour rape scene is just to feel sick, but Jesus, when you left Taken you were shaken. Leaving Taken 2 we’re not even the slightest bit stirred.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
i was pleasantly surprised to find Maggie Grace (29) in this. i guess she was the female lead in the first one as well but that was before she played the hottest Lost girl and i don’t remember her through my hangover buzz in Taken 1 like i already said plus in that one i thought she deserved to get kidnapped by white slave traders because she let herself get picked up by a hot foreign guy in the airport fresh off the plane and go back to his place and i was mad because i never meet girls who are that kind of stupid. Or that kind of hot, and here’s what i mean by that.
Maggie Grace Bar None Wallpaper – Click On The Shot for a Wallpaper
i got some more shots of her in my drawers, down below. Keep scrolling down until you get to the wet spot.
Also in Taken 2 is the gorgeous Famke Janssen (47) who is X-Woman Jean Grey whose secret power is that she never ages because she’s as sexy here as she was in any of the X-Men movies. Just how much of an X-Woman is Famke? This much…
Famke Janssen Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There are drawer shots of Famke as well. Just click on the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of the post.
For those of you more interested in Taken From Behind than Taken Up Front, Liam Neeson (60) was in this and looking better than he has in a long time.
Liam Neeson Bar None Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
So why only two shots? Maggie Grace wears a bikini for the first half of the film but she’s always covering it up. If you come to this movie to see skin, you’ll be Taken a Bath rather than a cold shower. Here’s the blow-by-blow:
Liam looking young
Maggie Grace making out with BF Jaimie
MG [Maggie Grace] in tight jeans
MG in a “bikini”
There’s a real bikini shot of her from Lost in my drawers, down there…
Drink: ½ Shot
Surprisingly little booze for a film directed by a Frenchie… The only concession he makes to his homeland is that, during a barbecue, people drink wine instead of beer. Oh, and Famke pours Liam a glass of wine when she breaks the news to him that their daughter has a boyfriend.
Rock & Roll: 2 ½ Shots
The problem isn’t the amount of action in Taken 2, there was tons, it was just filmed really really badly. It was one of those movies where the fight scenes are jumpy like they were filmed by a crack addict with DTs and so you never get to see what’s happening. Directors do this when they know the fighting looks sucky so they figure if you can’t see it clearly, you’ll assume it was great. Yeah, that ain’t gonna happen.
Oh yeah, the other really annoying thing was how the bad guys chase Neeson through the streets for hours, shooting at him and missing, of course, but when they finally catch up to him, hey don’t have guns they have sticks. WTF, as my mo foe Saint Pauly would say.
As for the music…two of the technelectro songs were lifted from Drive, if that tells you anything, and the closest we get to what Beliebers call “rock” is the song i posted up top.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Soundgarden – Live to Rise
[Press 'Play' for the coolest thing you will hear all day.]
Ramblings: Why Chromosomes
Final Proof: 3 ½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a bouncy castle? Sure, the idea looks good on paper because you’re combining two of your favorite things, drinking and bouncing, and there’s lots of action and lots of fun and you laugh a lot and get your kicks and sure, there are some moments when you get a little tired but your friends are super even if their jokes are often lame but the biggest advantage and the biggest weakness is the exact same thing: drinking in a bouncy castle means you can’t break anything, hurt yourself or take any risks and it’s nice to know you’re safe but sometimes it’s better to leave the safety zone and take some chances and get into the shit. So you have sweet and innocent fun time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat unless something else more better, more intellectualer comes along. That’s what seeing The Avengers was like.
The Avengers is The King’s Speech of action movies. It’s very well made and technically perfect with all of the boxes of “good movie” checked, like beautiful actors and good action and quips and zingers and extra special effects and good guys that are 100% good and bad guys that are 100% bad and the good guy wins and the bad guy loses and they all live happily ever after. It’s like guys’ gymnastics where they have that one routine when everyone has to do the same one. The Avengers is like that: perfectly executed and routine.
“Yeah, this does not look gay in every way.”
But sometimes you want popcorn and not corny pop and hard rock not pop rocks and whiskey not wine coolers and quicksand not Disney Land and a lap dance not romance. At those times you’ll be glad for The Dark Knight–but not The Avengers.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ Shot
“Wanna feel the prick of my arrow?”
Thank god they could find one super heroine in the men’s club, because this really is a men’s club, didn’t you see what i wrote up there about guys’ gymnastics? Who watches guys’ gymnastics anyway? Men who don’t think Scarlett Johansson is hot, that’s who.
Scarlett Johansson – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper
Plus there’s some unbelievable shots of her stuck to the bottom of my drawers, at the end of this review. Scroll down until you get to the “Continue Reading” link and click away.
You know who else i was happy to see here and it’s not Robert Downey Jr even though i was happy to see him too? Cobie Smothers or whatever her name is from How I Met Your Mother. She was already very cute in that show even if i didn’t recognize her here for a minute or two in her military uniform. Let’s just say she looks better out of it.
Cobie Smulders Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper
Not to mention the shots of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link down there.
Don’t forget Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s back once again as Peter Stark’s love assistant. And what a back and ass-instance she was. There was this one scene with her in denim short shorts and, like Gwyneth or not, you’ll like her. Like this.
Gwyneth Paltrow Wallpaper – Click on the Image for the Wallpaper
Yes, more pixxx of her in my drawers, after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this page.
The good news is that the magnificent Ashley Johnson had a brief appearance in The Avengers as “Waitress”. The bad news is that it was brief. Still, from the way she looked at Captain America, i have the impression we’ll be seeing more of her in the sequel.
For those of you more hooked on heroes than heroines…
Celeste E Hall giggled the whole walk home from this movie, confused like a deli patron unable to decide which hero was the hottest. To give her a hand, i thought i’d do a little poll dance. Vote below for the hero who carried you away the farthest.
If you need to examine these speci-men more closely, the full shots are after the “Continue Reading” link at the bottom of this post.
Scarlett Johansson In The Bar None
Drink: 0 Shots
What can i say, i got nothin’. The only notes i scrawled were:
Stark offers Loki a drink. “Sure you don’t want one? I’m having one.” Whiskey from a snifter.
[Later] Captured Loki says, “About that drink…”
Me So Horny
Rock & Roll: 4 ½ Shots
On a scale of Bright Star to the first Matrix, The Avengers holds its own (as i sometimes do, but with my left hand so i can pretend it’s someone else’s). Lots of action and only enough talk to knock it down 1/2 a shot. The special effects were solid and there was even some real rock and roll, beginning with the Soundgarden that kicked off this shit and including this old but still kicking AC/DC classic.
“Shit, I think I have this backwards.”
One interesting disappointment was the fights. Remember how you were a kid and talking to some buds while smoking some other ones, and you were all like, “Who do you think would win if [insert super hero] got in a fight with [insert different super hero]?” We now know the answer will usually be “It’d be a tie.” Especially if one of the combatants is Thor.
Based on these battles:
Thor v. The Hulk
Thor v. Iron Man
Thor v. Captain America
Thor v. Loki
The Hulk v. Black Widow
There were two cards that weren’t undecided:
Black Widow v. Hawkeye (Black Widow by TKO)
The Hulk v. Loki (The Hulk in a first round knock out)
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Stan Lee & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Joss Whedon (screenplay)
Zak Penn & Joss Whedon (story)
Directed by: Joss Whedon
Starring
Scarlett Johansson – Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
Cobie Smulders – Agent Maria Hill
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Ashley Johnson – Waitress
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Samuel L. Jackson – Nick Fury
Chris Evans – Steve Rogers / Captain America
Mark Ruffalo – Bruce Banner / The Hulk
Chris Hemsworth – Thor
Jeremy Renner – Clint Barton / Hawkeye
Tom Hiddleston – Loki
Clark Gregg – Agent Phil Coulson
Bottom Line
Definitely you should see this. If only because it’s the number one selling movie of all time. And you should see it on the biggest screen you can find. You know what they say, “Go big or go home (and watch it there).”
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Hans Zimmer – Underground Army (The Dark Knight Rises OST)
[Press 'Play' for the best part of the movie]
Ramblings: Knight Mare
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk on TV? It’s not the same as a movie drunk because a movie drunk is serious and what happens happens for real and stays happened and the blood flows redder and the people die deader and there are consequences and repercussions and when you laugh you laugh louder and the whiskey tastes gritty and when you survive the night you have stories to tell the children you made that night because it was a movie night. Getting TV drunk, though, doesn’t mean as much and it’s basically a lite beer buzz and lots of peeing and standing up when you want to sit and looking for conversation and the only stories you’ll tell of that night are how you went to bed early and it was nice because when you woke up you didn’t have a hangover. The Dark Knight Rises was that made-for-TV, tonight’s extra special episode of “Batman” movie.
The problem with The Dark Knight Rises was The Dark Knight. The Dark Knight Rises is a passable action movie while The Dark Knight was the shit, the whole shit and nothing but the shit. i know this because i feel like reviewing The Dark Knight, like that first scene when the glass shards explode from the window with a dull thud and how from the moment they showed the profile of the man on the street corner holding a tattered clown’s mask you knew the movie was going to grab you by the pubes, rip them out and then make you floss your own teeth with them. The Dark Knight was like three fucking movies in one and The Dark Knight Rises wasn’t even half a movie. All’s i’m saying is a good movie doesn’t make you want to go back and talk about how good the previous one was.
“I’ma knit you some pink booties to keep your feet warm.”
“Who you callin’ ‘underdeveloped’, asshole?”
Sure, most people are going to bring up Heath Ledger and you know what? They’re right because most people are pretty fucking intelligent and Heath Ledger’s Joker took that movie to the next level. Which isn’t to say we don’t have kinda the same thing going on here. Anne Hathaway takes a pretty under-developed character (bet that’s the first time you’ve ever seen “Anne Hathaway” and “under-developed” in the same sentence) and rounds her out and fills her up and fills out the cat suit the whole time, too. The problem is, she has less to work with when you see how stereotypical her character is. Catwoman hasn’t evolved from Julie Newmar’s TV baddie and hasn’t recovered from whatever the fuck Halle Berry did to her.
So, what were the problems here? Too much fucking reading me the story. i felt like a little kid being told a fairy tale at bed time and it almost put me to sleep. The bad guy was Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs, the action was sparse and uninspired, the script was long with too many words everyone was working to get through to bring us the good parts which didn’t last that long or impress that much. It’s like spending all night chatting to some girl about her grandma so you can get in her pants later and when she finally lets you, you feel like your time would’ve been better spent arranging your online music files.
“Hey, it’s outta my hands.”
Speaking of music and this is where i’m going to wrap this up, don’t worry, the music was the best thing about the film. More intense than the action, darker than the costumes, Hans Zimmer held up his end of the bargain when the only end Nolan was holding was his own.
You know me, i’m always being to generous with shit and so this time i’ve decided to draw a line. i coulda rounded this up to 3 shots but when you think about all the time and money and talent that Nolan had to work with and this is the best he could come out with…well, i’m standing by decision to round this one down.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
One little itty bitty shot. Anne Hathaway looked hot as hell but she didn’t need her tight cat suit to go there, she looks hot as hell just waking up in the morning eating muesli to stay regular. Here’s what i mean.
Anne Hathaway Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You know how sexed up this movie was? She kissed the Batman. Twice. Fuckin’ PG-13. Anyway, i got an extra special collage of her your’re gonna wanna check out in the drawers down at the bottom of this post.
Speaking of “cheated”, TDKR had Marion Cotillard and she didn’t even bother to try and look sexy. Here’s like the hottest still you’ll be able to find of her from the movie.
Sure, it’s not bad. Hell, it’s Marion Cotillard for chrissakes, it’ll never be ‘bad’ but it’s nowhere near as smoking as this.
Marion Cotillard Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She kissed Bruce Wayne once. Woot. Still fucking American fucking PG-13. Scroll down to my drawers for some hard ‘R’.
It’s late and i wanna post this tonight so i’m gonna promise you to post shots later of Christian Bale for the women folk and Juno Temple for the Silken Butterflies but you and i both know that’s never going to happen, right?
Drink: 0 Shots
Nobody drank nothing for the entire movie.
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
The rock shots are here for a reason and that reason is Hans Zimmer as i already talked about up there. The action in the movie was a real let down, but at least Zimmer’s cool music helped make it sound a little cooler. i’m listening to the OST right now and it’s damn good. Good enough to look for a good copy online and risk the illegal download, if you ask me.
Hans Zimmer – Rise (The Dark Knight Rises OST)
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan (screenplay)
Christopher Nolan, David S. Goyer (story)
Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Starring
Anne Hathaway – Selina
Marion Cotillard – Miranda
Christian Bale – Bruce Wayne
Tom Hardy – Bane
Bottom Line
Rewatch The Dark Knight instead. Or, even better, do like me and read The Rod’s Review.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
No more words, just pictures of the actresses under the “Click to read more…”
There She Goes, Pissed America… Rima Fakih Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Long time no dregs, so i’m back with a flash to look at some drunk ass shit going down in the world. Miss Drunk USA comes in both small and medium sizes, a drunk guy can’t get something off his chest, Amber Bynes is still drunk and has become Scout Willis’s rock ‘n’ roll model, plus Matthew Fox who played Jack on Lost still is.
Speaking of Jack, here’s Jack Johnson – Red Wine, Mistakes, Mythology
[Press 'Play' to 'take a piece of the sun and drink some']
Commoner Dregs
A toast to my brother from another drunkard, In The Same Boat, who brought this little bit of tid to my attention.
i’m allergic to exercise. Serious. Every time i try it, i sweat profusely and my heart rate increases and my breathing becomes labored so now all i do is watch TV because nothing bad happens to me that way. i’m also allergic to booze. It makes me break out in stupid. Mixing these? Are you on bath salts and after a little face time?
Apparently Chris Bailey, who used to be 28, was. He drank with his landlord in England until 3am when the landlord went to bed, but when the landlord woke up he saw the front door open and the garage light on and found Chris couldn’t handle the pressure…of the weights he’d been drunk lifting. Chris had been working out in the early morning and was dead, crushed by the weights he was lifting trying to lift. Look on the bright side, Chris, at least you’ll be the burliest mother fucker in heaven. Maybe not in hell, though–they got lots and lots of burly fucks in hell– so let’s hope you’re going to heaven.
Here’s another reason, like you need one, not to lift weights.
Female Weightlifters’ Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Y’all remember Amanda Bynes from that one post where i told you about her so drunk driving that she crashed into a fucking police car? When she was so fucking drunk she refused every kind of test they could throw up at her? Of course you don’t remember because you were so into the photos that you forgot how to read but i’m here to remind you.
Guess what? She just went to fucking court drunk and i’m not even kidding because she pleaded innocent. After she hit a police car. And refused every drunk test that exists. The only logical explanation for her innocent plea is that she was so drunk her lawyer caught a contact buzz off her breath and oozed all the shit she wanted him to.
Go ahead and think i’m kidding because i know you and that’s what you’re thinking but how else do you explain her tweeting Obama himself to have her arresting deputy fired? If that’s not drunk tweeting i don’t know what is, and trust me, i know what is.
There seems to be a rash and not just the one that itches me late at night when it rains but one of minors getting arrested for underage drinking. For example “Boy” Scout Willis was popped like a cherry for underage drinking and identity theft because she had a fake ID (how much you wanna bet it was Michelle Rodriguez’s driver’s license she lost at some Tijuana strip club during a drunken lap dance for Rumer Willis?).
Scout Willis isn’t a Minor, Her Parents are Too Famous
Adding to that rash is minor starlettes pleading Not Guilty by Reason of Infamity, i.e. too almost famous to have a record for drinking crimes. i rest my case in point on my lap and will tell you that Scout “Jamboree” Willis pleaded innocent to her charges as well and told her Dad to Die Hard the court’s ass.
Here’s a Miss America i’m proud to have voted for. Rima Fakih (as in “Fakih, Fakih 10 dolla’) truly represents the intellectual cross section that is the U.S., especially how she gets pulled over drunk driving with an open bottle of French champagne and tries to get out of it by saying she’s Miss USA like it’s a real title and when that doesn’t work, she lies on Twitter about it by tweeting, “Wrong Rima Fakih” because the name ‘Rima Fakih’ is as common as … hmm, absolutely fuck all which is why i think she rocks and deserves to be Miss America. She reminds me a lot of some of the women i’ve dated in my life or at least dreamed of dating just like i dream of being with a Miss America so there you go, told you she was the right woman for the hand job.
Rima Fakih Drunk Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
BTW, for those of you who haven’t given up on this post yet (and god bless you for your courage), she was sentenced to 6 months probation and 20 hours community service which might have something to do with pole dancing, i’m not sure. It would go a long way to explaining the shots of her pole dancing i got stuffed in my drawers at the bottom of this post.
Not to be undone, Miss Teen Arizona 2010 (it was a very good year) decided to take it a step further by getting popped like a zit for DUI but this time, while only 18 years old. And just like that, the number one person in the world i wanna party with goes from Kirsten Dunst to Tori Vance.
Tori Vance Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
The cops pulled her over for puling an illegal u-ey and suspected she was drinking so they arrested her ass and the rest of her too but especially her ass and she hit just over 0.08% on the BAC which is the minimum to win a free trip to booking central.
There’s lots more drawer shots down there, Yo, after the “Continue reading…” link.
Does Matthew Fox have a drinking problem? He’s fucking married to a woman named “Margarita Raunch” (Margherita Ronch), people.
Matthew Fox, dashing good guy hero figure of TV’s Lost, continued his downward spiral by getting popped for a DUI recently and that’s not even the most interesting thing he’s ben in deep, deep, trouble for, because this is the guy who nearly went to the pokey for punching a vagina. Punching. A. Vagina. He hit below the belt after he had one, basically. Hey, i punched twats when i was drinking, and i even punched assholes, but i never ever punched a vadge, ask any of the cunts i know.
You know what it is and you don’t so i’ll tell you, it’s the Get Lost curse. Y’all are pro’lly too young to remember but way back in 2005 i talked about how Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros got bustedthe same freaking night for DUI. If you’re keeping score and you know i am, that makes three Losers Losties and here’s a toast to my being around Evangeline Lilly before she either gets busted with “the others” or Foxy punches her in her Evadgealina.
A Toast to Evangeline Lilly
So yeah, there are a lot more Foxy shots in my drawers with the rest of ‘em.
Bar None Dregs
Happy Father’s Day!
Father’s Day in the Bar None
That Saint Pauly kid posted another couple of his What The Fuck? Watch The Film reviews.
First up is Amber Heard’s abortion with John Carpenter, The Ward.
Then, just in time for Father’s Day, there’s Rebecca de Mornay’s Mother’s Day:
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Stephen Stills – Love The One You’re With
[Press 'Play' for some oft referenced Stephen Stills]
Ramblings: Space Campy
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in your old high school? You bring beer, break in, then rode the halls and reminisce on good memories that age like brandy, smooth and mellow and maybe a little better than when they were made. What’s nice is that the school’s been all remodeled and looks fucking great and you can’t believe all the high tech gadgets they got now that they didn’t have when you were a kid so you play with them a little bit and get all set to settle into a nice night that may generate a few memories of its own…until some asshole pulls the fire alarm and you have to run outside into the playground and you stumble around and get more drunk and bang your head on the monkey bars and puke on the swing while you’re swinging so that you swing into your vomit and it streaks your cheeks and stains your shirt and fills your lap and the night is cashed like a keg of warm beer gone stale. That’s sorta what Prometheus was like.
i can tell you right off the bat that i gave this somebitch 3 shots because the first half of the movie was 4 shots and the second half was 2 shots and the average of that is too hard for me to calculate so i’ll just round up to 3.
The beginning was incredible. What’s-his-name the director…Ridley Scott, there you go, filmed Prometheus in 3D rather than just stapling 3D shit on top after and you can really really tell when you watch the opening scenes. The vistas and the valleys and the crags and shit look awesome and then, when you start noticing the planet scape of the outer space lands you realize he even made the cloud formations look unique and you start to appreciate just how far out there “Out There” is and you appreciate the whole other-worldly other world Scott created. Like Avatar on vodka spiked with anti-freeze. Truly wondrous.
After half a movie of this, just when you think you can relax and enjoy the show, the film turns to shit without warning. There are so many “WTF?” moments that you’ll wonder where you’ve been transported and what happened to the movie you were just watching. Scott feels obligated to force feed you shots of the original Alien (female leads, schmarmy androids with an agenda…) which he thinks are tradition but in fact are just cliche and tired. It’s like he meticulously manicured a marvelous castle of mud and then, just when you started appreciating its true beauty, he pisses all over it and makes it crumble around you.
What else do you want from me? Noomi Rapace makes the jump from the Swedish Girl With A Dragon Tattoo to US blockbusters a droitly or even two droitlies. She does a decent job here in her role as Sigourney Weaver wannabe except, as my wife Celeste E Hall pointed out, Noomi’s character Elizabeth Shaw is a wimpy scaredy pussy compared to Weaver’s Ripley (believe it or not) but that’s not Noomi’s fault, it’s Ridley’s for directing her into that corner.
Michael Fassbender is the same. He does a great job doing that acting thing but his character is all WTF’ed and he ends up gloriously portraying Lost In Space‘s Robby the Robot. Plus i heard he’s a conceited prick in real life so i don’t like him anyway and it’s got nothing to do with his penis probably being bigger than mine.
Basically, if you’re invested in the Alien series you’ll get your money’s worth from this one and there’s nothing i’ll be able to tell you that’ll convince you that it’s not as good as you think it is, but for the rest of us humans who don’t need to revisit space camp you should go and see something good instead.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1½ Shots
The only sex scene is the buzz kill and that’s just how bad it is.
The closest thing we get to nudity is the Alien, who has one of those mouths that look like a vagina. Like in The Thing. Because male film directors are misogynists.
Sure, there’s Charlize Theron (36) but the only sex scene with her happens off screen and the only time she gets hot is when it’s cold and her uniform is tight. Trust me, she’s a lot sexier here in the Bar None than she ever was in this movie.
Charlize Theron Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There are more drawer shots at the bottom. You hafta click on the link that says “Continue Reading…” down there ↓.
Then there also was Noomi Rapace (32). She was the Swish (because everybody knows Swiss and Swedish is exactly the same fucking thing) actress who starred in Swish version of the Swish book The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. She showed a lot more skin than Charlize in this puppy, like that one shot i put at the top of this section that i called “Elizabeth Shaw Swaddled” in my notes.
Noomi Rapace Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i got some drawer shots of her as well. Just scroll to the bottom and look for the button that says “Continue Reading…”
For those of you more into Predators than Mother Ships, here’s Michael Fassbender.
Michael Fassbender Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Plus, i got some Bar None shots of him at the bottom, in my drawers.
Drink: 2 Shots
Almost nothing but the fact that there was anything when this takes place in outer fucking space is already something.
A vodka. Up.
Vickers / Charlize Theron ordering a vodka from the android
Cool scientist drinking vodka from the bottle while in the lab
[He] gets drunk in pool room and android comes to keep him drunk
Champagne spiked with Alien bile
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
You want to know what this move is like in rock and roll terms? “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes. It starts of really cool and you think you have rock on your hands and then it gets all soft on you and everyone knows you can’t play pool with a rope.
Boring Technical Crap
“If you want, Noomi, I can put you on my shoulders so you can see better.”
Written by: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring
Noomi Rapace – Elizabeth Shaw
Charlize Theron – Meredith Vickers
Michael Fassbender – David
Logan Marshall-Green – Charlie Holloway
Bottom Line
When Noomi gets into the automatic surgery box, either abandon ship or fasten your seatbelt because that’s the moment this bitch looses power and goes down in flames.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Joking aside, all that’s left is pictures. Click on this link for that.
Fresh off the screens here in Yeaman where they love us more because they give us the movies before the rest of the world. Proof of that is On The Road was here in June 2012, and here’s the shots to prove i saw it before you did.
The Bar None in “On the Road”
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Jake La Botz – Hard To Love What You Kill
[Press 'Play' for something real and truer than anything you'll find in the film.]
You know how you get drunk with writers? They sit there across from you wearing the adhesive name tag “writer” like a medal of honor that makes them better than the rest of the world or at least better than you and they talk down to you making all these obscure references to make you feel stupid and they tell all these tales about how intense and crazy their lives are but their lives are less lived than yours as they slosh in the booth across from you and you’d think at least the stories would be interesting but these are writers not characters and especially not story tellers so all you get is this drivel like spittle dribble off a spoiled baby’s bib except you get a lot of it because everyone knows writers drink too much too often. Basically you end up drinking with a deaf guy getting blind drunk who rattles on like an engine that’s been shut down but still has too much fuel in the lines so it goes on and on and on long after you tried to shut it down. On the Road is a lot like that.
So Write and So Wrong
i knew i wasn’t going to like On the Road even before i saw it and it didn’t disappoint. There’s a Buick full of reasons i didn’t and i’ll try not to bore you with all of them but the main reason i didn’t like it was that it made me hate writers and more especially writing. Not unlike the book and this is a movie review not a book review but i’m gonna throw this up right here that the book On the Road, while certainly an iconic novel through no fault of its own, is just not that good of a book. If that makes me a heretic, crucify me, i’ve been living on borrowed crosses long enough as it is.
The only good thing that can be said about Jose Rivera’s script was that it didn’t try to make a story out of a novel that had no story. The bad things we can say is that the writer portrays ”writers” as these pseudo-intellectual, self important, self absorbed, self centered, egotistical assholes who act as though they play by a different set of rules than the rest of the people and that they’re justified in treating other people like shit because they’re artists and that means the rest of the world has to let these evolved and tortured souls wipe their feet on those that love them before trampling them to death. This kind of hyper realism got on my nerves. Maybe the hardest part is that i consider myself a writer and i saw myself in these characters and i hated these characters so On the Road gave me an overdose of self loathing, which is OK if that’s what the flick is going for but the directing reeks of pretentiousness like the movie is a pedestal where we place these assholes so we can look up at them but that’s not a pedestal it’s pederasty. OtR comes off as a private message from writers and film directors to their loved ones saying, “Yes, world, I treat you like shit but it’s because you are shit and I deserve to treat you that way.”
So On the Road buys into the myth-conception that is the book, but even going down that one-way street, the film runs into a cul de sac because of the actors. No offense against Garrett Hedlund but fucking Dean Moriarty / Neal Cassady was a rusty gun that couldn’t stop firing on all cylinders and soared with such intensity that he was a shooting star burning for decades across endless night skies long enough that all those who saw him could not stop making wishes. Neal Cassady had enough life for two lives and he fucking proved it by becoming a Beat icon to On the Roadies and drove on to become a hippy icon as described in Tom Wolfe’s Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. How many generations have you influenced today? Well, Neal Cassady did two. And you’re going to find a Hollywood actor to portray that? There are some things that can’t be acted, man.
“Better luck next time, man.”
At least Hedlund tries, for christsake. Kristen Stewart figured because she was going topless she didn’t even have to act her age and whoever the fuck was trying to be Carlo Marx / Allen Ginsberg (wait, the actor was Tom Sturridge ) decided the melodramatic lines he had to recite were neither mellow nor dramatic enough so he turned the knob up to 11 where it was so painful to hear what he was saying and how he was saying it that even the dogs outside the movie theater were howling.
Twi-Harder Next Time
You wanna insist on seeing this movie? See it for Viggo. Viggo Mortensen as Old Bull Lee / William S. Burroughs is a sight to see and you can almost see the other, younger actors weeping with relief during their scenes with him because he gives the movie credibility and it’s like when you’re 10 and drunk and set the house on fire but your parents come home and take control of the situation and make everything all right again. Parents? Parents indeed because the amazingly underrated Amy Adams plays a mother of a mother Jane (Joan Vollmer, Burroughs’ common law wife he would later shoot and kill in Mexico during a drunken reenactment of William Tell). Her performance defies defiance and rocks so much madness i couldn’t stop wondering how the hell it was that she didn’t get a meatier role because she acted the shit out of everyone else in the place.
Walter Salles (the director) couldn’t even make smoking look cool. He did a good enough job recreating the scenes and images of the Beat Generation, Denver in ’65 and hobos scribbling with stub pencils but then when people showed up and started acting, the movie pretty much went into a tailspin and skidded off the road and into a ditch.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 4 Shots
4 Shots! i know, right!? And the crazy thing it’s not just because Kristen Stewart goes topless for the first time not once but three times.
The nice thing about this movie going deep up into writers’ guts through their asses is that we get a butt load of sex because writers run on booze and feed on sex.
Kristen Stewart topless on the bed
Lots of guys hugging Kristen Dunst in a negligee
Dean sleeps with Rita from the other room [wtf?]
3 people in bed (2 guys 1 girl) [this would be Dean, Rita and Carlo]
Bisexual side [story with Dean]
Terry [Alice Braga] topless sex in a tent with a little boy [watching]
Lots of grunting in the movie
Dean describes a 4-hour sex orgy
Dancing like sex as KS [Kristen Stewart] comes while dancing
KS in a bra, Sal & Dean & KS 3-way
KS 3-way with her bra on i bet she’s like that in real life
KS groaning sex scenes are awkward & uncomfortable
KS bj while [the guy is] driving while 2 other guys in back seat
Viggo bottomless [as in male nudity, from behind]
KS topless giving hand jobs to guys on each side while [one of them is] driving
KS and Sal sex in hotel room (KS topless sex scene)
Steve Buscemi and Dean, Dean on top
Mexican whorehouse
So yeah, Kristen Stewart (22) lost her screen cherry here a couple times. If only her acting were as fine as the rest of her.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i stuffed a lot of shots of her in my drawers all the way at the bottom.
Kristen Dunst was also in On the Road but, like a skinny chick on a mattress, she didn’t make much of an impression. She’ll catch a lot more eyes here and now with this…
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Not only do i have shots of her bulging from my drawers, you have gotta check out the collage of her drunk i also keep there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit pay dirty.
Wrapping this up is the One Who Ruled The All, Amy Adams (37).
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
For those of you more into hard pavement than soft shoulders, there was the newcomer, Garrett Hedlund (27)…
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
And the old timer…Viggo Mortensen (53).
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
In the interest of equality, i got all kinds of guys shots stuck to the bottom of my drawers as well. Down there. ↓
While her appearance wasn’t all that brief, i’m sticking Alice Braga (29) here. She’s an actress we’ll probably be hearing a lot more from, and righteously so.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Alice Braga in the Bar None
Drink: 4 Shots
i don’t think i’ve ever seen a movie with so much sex and booze that i liked so little. Sure, there was a lot of drug experimentation here but one of the things i like about the Beats you don’t get so much with the Hippies is that they really drank and drank hard and drank long as this movie attests to.
I have enough for a pint of whiskey until dinner.
–Sal in the back of a pickup truck with other hobo hitchers
Beer (Bud) in a bottle when the men meet
The party goes from night to dawn
You can’t smoke but you can drink in this car.
–The driver of the truck hauling dynamite to Sal. They both hit from a labeless glass flask.
Drinking beer at Rita’s in bed
Hobos in Denver drinking by homeless trash can fire
I wish I could drink whiskey like a man.
–Kirsten Dunst drinking beer at dinner
Wine at Sal’s sister’s Christmas dinner
Gay Carlo drinking at a jazz club
Viggo drinking martinis. He shares it with Amy on his lap
Sal drinking beer and writing on the porch
Sign “No beer sold to Indians” [in a bar]
Sal and Dean drinking beer in a bar after KD [Kirsten Dunst] kicked him out
Steve Buscemi bringing a bottle of whiskey bottle and glasses to Sal’s and Dean’s hotel room
Pitchers of beer while rewriting with Carlo
Dancing and drinking at the Mexican whorehouse
Drunk on bad juju in Mexico City back streets
Sal drinking [shots] while he writes On the Road
Rock & Roll: 2 shots
There was no rock in the film but sometimes that’s OK. Like when the soundtrack is full of awesome Beat jazz riffs that roll off your tongue like a crazy hot chick’s candy dripping in your ear. Or when you have someone like Jake La Botz, who i didn’t know until i saw this movie.
At the end, there’s this killer folk blues song about how “It’s Hard To Love What You Kill” and i scribbled that into my book thinking a line that incredible had to be famous like Friday night but nope. i dug and dug and dug on the internet and finally unearthed the song which i stuck at the top. i went through his YouTube songs and happened to enter his name on Spotify and found out he has like 4 albums and i’ve been listening to them in a constant loop for two days because, what can i say, the man’s music reminds me of what it was like to be young the first time.
Not only did i find out La Botz has a cameo as a hitcher in the film, i also learned he was fucking coming to Yeaman. So i Facebooked him and he friended me and Bob’s your drunk, we hooked up before his show for a sit down.
Jake La Botz (center) is Doomed to Meet Me Thursday
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Jack Kerouac (book), Jose Rivera (screenplay)
Directed by: Walter Salles
Starring
You wanna see something funny? The “Full Cast List” over at IMDb says that the cast is listed by alphabetical order, but Kristen Stewart’s name is at the top…
Kristen Stewart – Marylou
Amy Adams – Jane
Kirsten Dunst – Camille
Alice Braga – Terry
Viggo Mortensen – Old Bull Lee
Garrett Hedlund – Dean Moriarty
Sam Riley – Sal Paradise
Jake La Botz – Okie Hitchhiker
Steve Buscemi
Tom Sturridge – Carlo Marx
Bottom Line
My favorite parts of the movie were the scenes with no actors or dialog. ‘Nuff said.
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Al K Hall’s Drawers
It’s all over but the photos. Click on “Continue Reading…” to see them. i’ll stick the guys in the drawers first just to be a gentleman…
Nothing much to write home about, or here either for that matter. There were a couple references i jotted down in my notebook, though.
Surprisingly little booze for a film directed by a Frenchie… The only concession he makes to his homeland is that, during a barbecue, people drink wine instead of beer. Oh, and Famke pours Liam a glass of wine when she breaks the news to him that their daughter has a boyfriend.
You know how you get drunk in a bouncy castle? Sure, the idea looks good on paper because you’re combining two of your favorite things, drinking and bouncing, and there’s lots of action and lots of fun and you laugh a lot and get your kicks and sure, there are some moments when you get a little tired but your friends are super even if their jokes are often lame but the biggest advantage and the biggest weakness is the exact same thing: drinking in a bouncy castle means you can’t break anything, hurt yourself or take any risks and it’s nice to know you’re safe but sometimes it’s better to leave the safety zone and take some chances and get into the shit. So you have sweet and innocent fun time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat unless something else more better, more intellectualer comes along. That’s what seeing The Avengers was like.
One little itty bitty shot. Anne Hathaway looked hot as hell but she didn’t need her tight cat suit to go there, she looks hot as hell just waking up in the morning eating muesli to stay regular. Here’s what i mean.
You know how you get drunk with writers? They sit there across from you wearing the adhesive name tag “writer” like a medal of honor that makes them better than the rest of the world or at least better than you and they talk down to you making all these obscure references to make you feel stupid and they tell all these tales about how intense and crazy their lives are but their lives are less lived than yours as they slosh in the booth across from you and you’d think at least the stories would be interesting but these are writers not characters and especially not story tellers so all you get is this drivel like spittle dribble off a spoiled baby’s bib except you get a lot of it because everyone knows writers drink too much too often. Basically you end up drinking with a deaf guy getting blind drunk who rattles on like an engine that’s been shut down but still has too much fuel in the lines so it goes on and on and on long after you tried to shut it down. On the Road is a lot like that.
