Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
Redneck Barbie
2. Toys for Neither
Bored Games
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
Reinbeer
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
Father Pissmas
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
Tired of the question “What will you come as?” when you’re not sex role playing? Tired of being yourself and yet still don’t know what you want to be this year for Halloween? You’ve come to the right Bar None.
i’ve assembled a list of celebrity Halloween costumes to inspire you and, after some hemming (and hawing), i think i’ve got it all sewn up. Here, then, are ten Halloween costumes worn by actual celebrities that we can pattern ourselves after.
From the juiced-box and to get you in the mood, Marilyn Manson – This Is Halloween.
[Press 'Play' for Manson's cover of the Danny Elfman song from Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas]
1. Justin Bieber Going as “A Male”
Justin Bieber Dressed Up As A Boy
Ahh, Justin Cider, you’re still my favorite lesbian. Bielibe that.
2. Mitt Romney Going As “Presidential”
Mitt Romney Pretending To Be Someone Who Can
Don’t forget, you still have time to vote in the US Presidential Election. If you ware not an American citizen and would like to vote, i’m selling my vote to the highest bidder.
3. Kim Kardashian Going As “A Human”
Kim Kardashian Almost Looking Like She Comes From This Planet
Nice twist on the “I’m going as an alien”, we have an extra terrestrial coming as one of us.
4. Lindsay Lohan Going As “A Camel’s Toe”
Lindsay Lohan Gets Bestial
Lindsay as her (second) favorite part of a camel’s anatomy.
5. Lance Armstrong Going as “An Athlete”
Lance Armstrong Wants us To Believe He’s Clean!
Drug addicts always pick costumes that reveal what they think they really are.
6. Honey Boo Boo Going As “A Child”
Peter Dinky-lage’s Inamorata Pretends To Be A Grown Up
She even acts childish!
7. Rihanna Going As “An Intellectual”
Rihanna Looking Like She Should Know Better
Only problem is, she can’t wear this costume if she goes with Chris Brown because no one would get she was smart.
8. Miley Cyrus Going As “Dafuq?”
Miley Cyrus Living The Meme
Why so Cyrus?
9 Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake Going As “Lovers”
Prick Or Teats
i also could’ve put “Justin Timberlake – Straight”.
10. Amanda Bynes Going As “Air Bags”
Amanda Bynes on Shalloween
My personal favorite. Amanda went ironic this year in reference to both her drunken hit & runs.
Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.
Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.
As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the
Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012
1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better
2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am
3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink
4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk
5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking
6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk
7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume
8. I Resolve Not To Go Native
9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around
10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed
BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:
Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don't Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
Redneck Barbie
2. Toys for Neither
Bored Games
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
Reinbeer
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You're Lap Is Wet, You're Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
Father Pissmas
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
My fellow alcoholics, D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s and members of the D Generation (Drinking Generation),
‘Tis i, your Temporal (as i will have to relinquish my crown shortly) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here with another Top 10 Lips.
As you probably suspect, after the troubles earlier this year i’ve stopped drinking. While this decision is obviously something i need to go over in this blog, i’m still looking for an angle to address it in and still keep the trademark Al K Hall what-passes-for-humor tramp stamp that festers all through my posts like a tattoo from a dirty needle.
[For those of you who actually do care what's up with my recovery, i've been unloading in fits and starts in the Comment's Section of a friend's blog: Bats' The She Chronicles. The two posts where i upchuck the most are here and here. And Bats, babe? i'm so sorry for linking here without asking first. If too many of my dregs spill over onto your lovely flophouse, just let me know and i'll bar the way (no, the other kind of bar, the bad kind, no the other bad kind, the one that's a verb.]
Here then are those booze moments Al K Hall Free will long for the most because these are
10 Drinks i’m Gonna Miss
1. Free mini bottles of wine on the airplane
2. The first bottle of 3.2 on a 3-day bender
3. Vodka during sex
4. The glass of wine that loosens my tongue, tightens my speech, and greases my wheels at parties
5. Mojitos made in front of me by the barman while i’m sitting in a seat where Hemingway once sat
6. Frozen daiquiris by the pitcher drunk through a straw
7. The beer in the bar i cling to for ballast sitting across from the beautiful babe
8. Pastis on the beach on the first day of summer
9. Amaretto Sours on the deck of the sailboat sliding over the lake at sunset
10. Every drink ever tasted, wasted, nipped, sipped, lost or found, bought in a round, swilled then refilled, gotten free, tasted like pee, drank or sank even with the stank, forgotten, rotten, drunk straight down out on the town, slurped, burped, gulped fast or nursed to last, cold, bold, new, brewed, swallowed or spit ’cause it tasted like shit, consumed, resumed, hopped, dropped, toasted, roasted, put away, tossed back, knocked down and thrown back up again, absorbed, abhorred, dissipated, anticipated, partaken (stirred or shaken), quaffed, sloshed, drained like rain, tippled, rippled, lapped, sapped, sopped, rocked, swigged and sucked until it fucked me up and laid me down right on the viscous altar of a Friday night
My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.
A little update on my personal sitch before we get to the goodies and if you don’t give a shit about the personal sitch i’d just skip right ahead to the goodies if i was you. Really, i understand, no big deal. If you remember, my latest rule to control the drinking was to drink only outside the house, which means mostly business lunches, Open Bar Friday at the office and any art gallery events. Well, so far so good. The Fridays can be a bit of a challenge sometimes but i’ve stuck to my guns most of the time and haven’t gotten totally shit faced since i started the rule. Which explains why i haven’t been talking too much about my drinking lately. Nothing is more boring than a drinker who has his drinking under control for the moment, and i get that. Sorry babes. Hopefully i’ll fall off the wagon spectacularly really soon so i can provide you with some well deserved entertainment.
So to shake things up a little bit, here’s a Top 10 Lips for y’all. And by the way, if any mentioned celebrities are reading this, if you contact me in the comments below and pay for my drinks and any transportation required: i’m not kidding, i would love to party with you. Hell, Jim Morrison needed professional drinkers to hang with and watch out for him, you could do the same for me.
Plus, here’s a bonus round, Lily Allen singing an post-appropriate song from the juiced-box: Friday Night.
Anyways, my fellow alcoholics, i proudly present to you the
Hey there fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) and members of the D-Generation. ‘Tis i, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here with another Top 10 Lips.
As you regulars here in the Bar None know, i’ve been on the wagon for somethin’ like two weeks now and not only is this newfound sobriety scary as hell (how do normal people do sober!?), it’s also shattered my beer bottle glasses and revealed reality as it really is: Some scary shitzu.
In this alternate reality, i have seen that which no drunk should ever have to see. i have seen what we drinkers look like drunk and if that’s not enough to make you wanna curl up in a fetal ball, whine out for mommy and weep blood profusely from both eyes then you’re still as drunk as i need to be.
Needless to say i can’t keep these frightening scenes unseen i have seen to myself, so i’m here to dump them on you. These, then, are the:
10 Ways i Know You’re Drunk
1. You insist you’re not. A lot. Loudly. Until you pass out on the bathroom floor.
2. You take off your pants—to puke.
3. You’re not a woman and that’s not your period.
4. You can’t find the barstool you’re sitting on.
5. That’s not my hand you’re shaking.
6. You’re arguing with me because i’m agreeing with you.
7. You refuse to leave a moving vehicle but you’re lying on a bed.
8. You’re convinced “pizza yogurt” is the best idea you’ve ever had.
9. [For him] There’s fur in your zipper and the dog is limping.
Some Scary Shitzu
10. [For her] You hung out with his ugly friend to meet the cute guy, but it’s late, you’re drunk, and settling for the friend seems like a good idea.
It’s me, your tender bartender here at The Bar None with another list of tips & changes.
What sets a good bartender apart from someone who just pours beer into your glass? Like i have a clue. i’m a better drink drinker than drink maker.
Still, i know what kind of bartender i’m trying to be here and i wrote them down because, well because i wouldn’t be able to remember my own name if i hadn’t had it tattooed upside down on my gut.
Having written it down, i figured i’d share it with y’all, fellow members of the D-Generation.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to bartenders everywhere…
Bob Margolin – Blues For Bartenders
A Good Bartender is:
1. Attractive
2. Compassionate / Understanding
3a. Discerning (when deciding to cut you off)
3b. Diplomatic (when they cut you off)
4. Friendly
5. Skilled
Click On Image For A Large
6. Generous
7. Funny
8. Good Listener / Good Talker
9. Nonjudgmental
10. Forgetful (which makes it easier to stay friends)
As the FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson) of the D-Generation, i’m here to offer tips & changes on everything about alcohol, including not drinking.
Maintaining the buzz of 10 Things To Say While Getting Another Drink (which was boosted thanks to a generous review on a site called Smak News) and following my fiancée’s recommendation, i’m posting today a list of 20 things to say to refuse a drink—during tomorrow night’s celebrations or any time you’ve hit your limit and don’t want your limit hitting back.
So for the T-Totallers and the totally wasted, i offer this list of responses to “Do you want a drink?” It’s a day early so you have time to memorize them before New Year’s Eve.
Enjoy yourselves and, as always, thanks once again for patronizing me.
In honor of this holiday season, i’m here to share with you ten toasts that work for all seasons. There’s a toast below for every situation: serious, casual, outta hand; friendly, romantic, both; for your enemies and your family (and both)… Enjoy and here’s to hoping they come in handy for many beers to come.
1. May there not be enough room on your tombstone for all the life
you’ve lived.
2. A drink to the next round and the savior that buys it.
3. To saving the joy that’s drowning at the bottom of this glass.
4. To friends close enough to be family and family close enough to be friends.
5. A drink to sinners and saints and all those who ain’t.
6. To drunks, warriors and infants: may God worry about them most.
To The Drunks...
...And The Infants
7. A drink to stupid people for making us feel smarter than we are.
8. May tomorrow be a day better than today and may today be very, very good.
9. To nights that are worth living and times that beg forgiving.
Tired of the question “What will you come as?” when you’re not sex role playing? Tired of being yourself and yet still don’t know what you want to be this year for Halloween? You’ve come to the right Bar None.
Hey there fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (
