Not a lot of people know this, but Spring Breakers was an action movie and if you don’t believe me, there was so much action i couldn’t fit it all in my review so i had to come here to let it all spill out. This is where i’m going to open my drawers and let it all hang loose.
Starting things off with a gang bang, here’s some of the girl on girl action that went down on each other in Spring Breakers.
Back with a flash: Amanda Bynes has been officially charged with Hit ‘n’ Run (and i would, for sure) following all the shit i unload here in this blog i originally wrote back in April when we were all younger and innocenter and reeling from the news of another Disney Kid Gone Wild.
Guess what that is right there… A News Flash! (See what i did there?)
You know who else flashes? The police, when they pull you ass over. Just ask Amanda Bynes who decided to join the really ranks of the rich and shameless.
Not from the juiced box…
Press ‘Play’ for a flashback to a simpler time… Young Amanda Bynes and her cute little accent reading Nina Laden’s The Night I Followed A Dog.
i’m sure y’all remember the cautionary tale of one Estella Warren who decided to get drunk, smash into parked cars and then have a meltdown while the confused neighbors called the police. At the time, i told you not to get drunk and run into parked cars. Well, not in so many words, but if you read the post then i think it’s pretty clear i’m not in favor of it.
Alackaday (which is such a real word i can’t believe you don’t believe me that it is), Amanda Bynes must not of read it and so she pulled all kinds of drunk crap you’re not supposed to do while driving.
“Like what?” you ask, quizzical bastards and curious beaches that you are.
Like she tried to pass a cop car. i’m not sure what the number 1 rule is for things not to do when drunk driving but i’m pretty sure number 1 is “Don’t pass cop cars.”
Followed by Rule #2: If you do pass a cop car while drunk driving, don’t crash into it. i’m even gonna be so bold as to generalize and say that it’s a general rule of thumb to never run into a police cruiser under any circumstances short of the zombie apocalypse. (And speaking of zombies, did you see Amanda Bynes Mug Shot?)
But Good Bynes doesn’t have the good fortune you do of knowing me and reading shit like this all the time. Because she passed the cop car and then ran into the back right quarter panel, which is shop talk for “the back side piece over the wheel thingy”. So the cops stopped her and decided she was in no condition to drive but she was in condition to go to jail.
TMZ also said that ol’ (what, she’s 26…that’s like tons old in dog years) Amanda has been partying hearty lately and pulling all kind of rapscallion moves and drunk driving and–you’re gonna love this– bailing on cops while they’re in the middle of writing her a ticket. Her balls are so big she has to wear them on her chest so they don’t chafe.
There’s more shots of that down there deep in my drawers.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Amanda Bynes (26)
i like Obama in the way i like Rihanna. Just the other day i made her the Bar Nun because she’s into the booze more than the drugs and with Obama it’s the same. Dude likes his drink.
How much does he like it? He likes it so much he invented his own beer because he bought a home brew kit, gave it to his kitchen staff and told them to come up with something cool. Hell, if you were the President, you could do that, too.
Just like he has a Honey Blonde all the fucking time. He has one whenever he wants. Wherever he wants. Like right there on the table. i bet his wife even watches sometimes.
What, you want to have one as well? No problem: Have Obama’s Honey Blonde.
Jenna Jameson invents a whole new kind of Dirty Pole Dancing, James Bond gets rich drinking beer, and Kate Middleton, the already rich Princess of Tarts, would like to teach the world to drink. Then all kinda dregs are running round round baby in the Bar None dregs.
To kick things off, how ’bout something from the Juiced box and dedicated to Jenna Jameson: Airbourne – Cheap Wine & Cheaper Women.
[Press ‘Play’ for something like Jenna Jameson on a roller coaster…cheap thrills]
What do you call a Jubilee with no cherries? A Diamond Jubilee and they have them like every year in England. My favorite princess (well, after Clotilde Courau), Kate Middleton, invited everyone over to her palace to get them Royally drunk. i bet they served Crown Royal.
i crammed some shots of Kate into my drawers down there.
The news is out that 007% will now order a Heineken beer and not his dry martini in the next Bond movie that i’m not gonna name here because i’m against publicizing the shit that powers the powers that be.
At least it’s not cheap beer. Heineken paid the movie folk 45 million dollars for James to saddle up to the bar and order an “Icy Heinie, shaken then slurred. ”
Of course all these Bond purists have their Miss Moneypanties in a wad because it’s not cricket, but i bet they wouldn’t have so many scruples if someone offered them $45,000,000 to drink a beer. Hell, i’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous for well over a year and i for sure could afford to fall off the wagon a little bit for 45 million. Anybody who tells you different doesn’t know what money is.
Here’s another Bond staple: Bond Girls.
The category is: things porn stars do to poles. Award winning actress Jenna Jameson got to banging again last week except this time it was a telephone pole and that’s not even a euphemism. She hit the bottle and then the pole and she’s just wishing it was a strip pole. It doesn’t seem she rear ended it but she will no doubt be sore because she refused medical attention and went straight to the slam-her (yes, i did and i’ll do it again if i have to ).
She was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving because she smelled like the insides of Ron Jeremy’s Depends after he nurses his rum but she was in and out of the pokey faster than a premature incarceration. Anyway, i know y’all only read this for the wrecks, so here it is.
Yeah, i got some extra shots of Jenna bulging out of my drawers down at the bottom of this mess.
Bar None Dregs
From The Bar None’s Facebook page you can’t call me your friend if you haven’t joined yet.
Also in the news, my wife changed her name from Mrs Demeanor to Celeste E Hall and has changed her blog address accordingly. Click here to get there.
What!? You haven’t read The Rod‘s latest post!? What are you still doing here?
Also, Saint Pauly posted another WTF!?
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Because these dregs are all about the stupidity, and you may be surprised to learn where the stupidity really is.
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Steve O: Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good
[Press ‘Play’ for what Elisabetta Canabis told Steve O from the very beginning]
Stupid is as stupid drinks. Kids all over the nation, if you believe the hype, have now turned to hand sanitizer as a way to catch a buzz. Here’s the dirt: Hand Sand contains up to 70% alcohol, which makes it 140 proof, stronger than almost every alcoholic drink on the market plus you can buy it in Wall-Shart without an ID. Apparently 6 Los Angeles youths were desperate enough to get hospitalized drinking this, so now the press is talking about an epidemic. Personally, just last week i saw a gang of toddlers using bad language to goad their moms into washing their mouths out with soap. Seriously, whatever happened to the good old days when kids would sniff glue and jam vodka soaked tampons up their asses?
You wanna know what really concerns me? Here’s the real problem with his scourge:
Anyway, Meredith from “The Office” was onto this shit way before LA teens.
Thanks to my brother from another brother, Wayne, who posted this on my Facebook wall.
Here’s an idea i can’t believe is catching on… Some Fremerican scientist has invented (that’s his American side) a stylish bottle (his French half) of pseudo booze that will get you drunk immediately. Sounds good, right? Read the small print, Barmaids and Beerhounds, it’ll last for 2 fucking seconds and costs $26 a pop. Since when did the world become interested in paying more for a lot less? Their fucking slogan should be, “It’s over fast, but at least it’s over priced.”
It’s a lot of fun but lasts under a minute? Shit, my sex life is like that, my binges might as well be, too.
i thought the only thing that could be harder to believe than the fact that Steve O and Elisabetta Canalis broke up was the fact they were going out to begin with. But i was wrong. The crazy part to this story is that he broke up with her.
Take a second to digest this.
broke up with this girl…
But that’s not even the whole story. You know why he broke up with her? Pour yourself a drink because you’re gonna need one.
He broke up with her because she parties too hard and he’s afraid for his sobriety. We’re talking Steve O a guy who became famous for being a Jackass, for chrissake. That guy places his sobriety above George Clooney’s drunk lingerie soft porn top model ex girlfriend. i only got one thing to say to that.
Seriously, i’ve been sober for 15 months and my life is so much better now than it was a year and a half ago that my biggest fear is losing all i’ve since gained. But even me and my gratitude would be hard pressed if some 20 something party girl (or, hotter still, Mrs D) wanted me to party with them all the time. Would i have the balls to make the right choice?
Alls i can say i’m glad i’m butt ugly enough my sobriety will never be put to that kind of test. Alls else i can say is that the freakiest thing that’s happened to me in a long time is i have a deep, deep respect for Steve O.
Steve O, brother, i got some shots of Elisabetta in my drawers that’ll take the edge off your hug addiction withdrawal.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Turns out Lindsay Lohan, our resident Bar Nun, is quite the bruiser and if she isn’t that much of a bruiser she for sure is a bruisee, as the above collage will attest. She’s been up to her old tricks and no, i don’t mean selling her leathery manbag to men older than she looks, but hitting the clubs and raising hell again. So i got all kinds of good jokes about that and a commoner dreg from last year that i keep thinking about so much i gotta get it off my chesticles. Plus tons of Bar None dregs you’ll feel guilty about ignoring.
Here’s a tune not really from the juiced-box but a fitting plea from the voice of our veneration: Lindsay Lohan – My Innocence
[Press ‘play’ for Lindsay Lohan with that same old song and dance]
What’s the coolest way to commit suicide? Wrong. It’s death by piranha.
This 18-year-old Bolivian fisher kid got drunk and took his canoe to a part of the river he knew to be infested with the flesh eating fish and jumped in. Sure enough, the piranhas attacked him and he died from blood loss.
Kids, if i’ve said it once i’ve said it a thousand times: Don’t Drink and Dive.
Here are some safer alternatives:
Wait a sec and enjoy the above poster before you read on. i made it myself because we’re all about the arts & craps here at the Bar None and if i told you how long i spent to get that mediocre result you’d laugh harder than you will at any of the following jokes. So just do me a favor and appreciate the picture so i get my appreciation’s worth, ok?
Onto the dirt.
The first rule of Night Club is to get in a fight with any random chick you happen to literally bump into there while you’re on parole and then let the press find out about it so they can tell everyone about Night Club. After that, the next rule of Night Club is to wait 2 weeks and go back to the exact same club and bump into someone’s car and call someone else for help…hmm…who should we call… i know! Let’s call our dad who has substance abuse problems all up in his anger issues. Picture that, Bone Man.
“Hi dad, the dude that was driving just got in a fender bender while I was the passenger, what should we do? Go in the club I just got into a fight inside the other night? Sure! You always have the best fucking ideas, dad. With guidance like this it’s amazing I turned out as fucked up as I am…”
Once inside the club, where they might not have even got drunk, some bitch started talking trash like i just did about how Lindsay was there with her dad and so Lindsay called the bitch on her shit so the bitch threw her drink on the Bar Nun.
i can’t help but think Lindsay was kinda asking for it, though, by going to a place called “Smoke and Mirrors”. With a name that lame you get what you stay for. Much better that she should hang out here, in the Bar None, where there’s absolutely no chance of her coming to fisticuffs with my patronizers and there no risk that the police will bust her anymore than she already is for her extracurricular sintertests.
Bar None Dregs
This week was a red letter day for me in The Bar None. Most of y’all don’t know because you never read this far but i opened the doors to this humble establishment on July 19, 2010 with a post called “Another Round in the Bar None“.
In August of 2010, i had a total of 39 hits for the entire month, averaging 1 little visitor a day. Yesterday alone, 5,039 of y’all stumbled in.
Last Monday, the 2 millionth patronizer passed out on these pages. i’m greatly grateful and humbly humbled that so many of you would chose this place, my place—nay, Our Place to come for your soft porn.
Speaking of not getting many hits on your blog, Saint Pauly posted another one of his trippy reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).