[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Ludovico Einaudi – Fly

Ramblings: Just Edgar

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk in high school? Your best friend steals a fifth of Southern Comfort from under his step brother’s bed and brings it to school in his back pack so you start sharing swigs of it between classes until lunch time when you really hit it hard so by last period your pretty well fucked up and find yourself in history class with the kind of teacher that tries to make history exciting by wearing costumes and talking with funny voices but when you get right down to it, history will always be history and history is bunk especially when you’re fucked up so all you do is nap in back of the class and wake up when the final bell rings. That was the kind of class J. Edgar had.

"I drink the Fifth."

Mrs Demeanor and i saw this a week ago (it came out super late in Yeaman) and we both fell asleep in it. i just want to get that out there in the open right off the bat.

J. Edgar is a really well-made movie and the actors are super good actors (most of the time) and the make up is killer (for many people) and the directing is spot on but beneath all of that there’s a lot of “Who Cares”? Basically, Eastwood decided to make a reenactment of contemporary American History, using J. Edgar Hoover as a theme. Here’s all the lessons Eastwood will teach you:

1. Bolshevik bombings in the US
2. Lindbergh baby kidnapping
3. Martin Luther King and his Nobel Prize
4. Watergate references

The Famous Conan Arrest Scandal

Leonardo DiCaprio is Hoover and i’m getting better about not hating Leo for being inordinately good looking and just as talented. It’s either old age or sobriety, but i made the same concession stand on Brad Pitt. Comes a time i just have to accept that there are people who get a lot more better stuff than me for absolutely no reason other than they were born that way. And worked a lot harder and took more chances and made more sacrifices. Life is so unfair.

i knew Di-Crapio (what? i said i accepted him, not that i was gonna grow up) was a good actor because he spoke in a funny accent and that’s always the sign of a good actor. Except for maybe Jeffrey Donovan who did a strange job portraying Robert Kennedy. Either he over-acted or was over-directed, but it seems Donovan plays his A-game for Burn Notice on TV. Which is cool because i like that show better than this movie anyway.

Robert Kennedy Gets Assassinated Again

Speaking of overdoing it, Armie Hammer (who i exposéed like a madman in the Booze Revooze of The Social Network) is a good actor but got the short end of the lipstick on makeup because everyone else turned out realistic looking as an old person except for him. He just looked like he was wearing one of those rubber Mission Impossible masks.

The other thing i wondered about before going in–OK, the only thing i really cared about before going in–was where Clint would come off on the Trannie issue. Was Hoover a cross dresser? Interestingly enough, Clint shows Hoover wearing his mother’s clothes once, even though the research i did on the internets tends to poo poo the concept. Clint also says, and this i didn’t know, that Hoover liked to hoover guys penises. With his mouth. Or at least he was a gay who kept his gay under lacy wraps. The internets backs him up on this, but i find it interesting that Dirty Harry made a movie about how Hoover’s lifelong gay love affair. Maybe that’s the angle Eastwood was hoping would pull people into the theaters.

"I would look so much hotter in something with more lace."

Why not, but really the question is, “Why?” because, instead of us getting all into the character and caring about him and shit, it’s like flipping through chapter after chapter of a history text and only looking at the pictures. Make me love him, make me hate him, make me mock him, make me feel sorry for him but for christ’s sake make me feel something instead of numbing my brain with your Clint film making that is, technically, perfect. If only i felt as good as it looked.

"My secrets are all...Classified!"

Before i go any further, i’m going to card Sadie Calvano who played J Edgar’s apparently mute niece because she doesn’t say one word in the movie. Sadie’s only 15 and thus too young to hang with the big kids…nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:1 Shot

You might want to bump it up another shot or two if you’re gay, ’cause there’s lots of gayness going on here, even if nothing is ever consummated. OK, that’s not entirely true. There’s one intense sex scene when one wrinkly octogenarian kisses another octogenarian’s forehead. (No tongue.)

"That's one sexy ass forehead you got there, angel butt."

For the rest of the sex, well, there are some sexy women in it but they aren’t sexy in it. The female lead is Naomi Watts (43) who is vastly undersexy in this but that’s not so bad because she’s a talented actress and it’s always nice to see a true artist apply her Craft (i picked that shit up from Actor’s Studio, yo). Anyways, here’s what’s Watts.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

The other funny thing (and i’m laughing all the way to the sperm bank) is that apparently Naomi accepts to pose for pictures if and only if she’s wearing something see through. Go ahead and don’t believe me, but scroll all the way down to my drawers and you’ll see how transparent i’m being with you.

There’s also a quick appearance by one of my all time favorite crushes who’ve i’ve been crushing on for decades, Lea Thompson (50). God, she’s aged so much better than i have. Here’s some proof of that.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

OK, there are some more recent shots of her than that in my drawers and you’ll see just how right i can be.

Silken Butterflies

Both of the Silken Butterflies were in the same scene as Lea Thompson in nightclub at J Edgar’s table. Lea Thompson played Lela Rogers, Ginger Rogers’ mother. And who played Ginger Rogers? 17-year-old Jamie LaBarber–which is French for “The Barber”– who i’m putting here because her résumé says she’s “legal 18 status” which could be a handy phrase for me to remember for the police (oh gimme a break, you knew my sense of humor when you came along for this ride).

There are some equally tame shots of her in my drawers.

Finally, there’s the beautiful Amanda Schull (34) who plays Anita Colby (“Feminine Director of the Selznick Studios”, was her job title). Here’s what a Feminine Director looks like.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’ll be some shots of her loitering deep in my drawers as well. Just keep scrolling down there.

For those of you more into Hard Crime than Miss Demeanors, here’s Leonardo DiCaprio (37).

Lol, i got some other shots of him in my drawers as well, don’t worry your pretty little heads (and i won’t worry mine–more lol).

Wait, time for one more sex scene from the movie.

Drink: 1/2 Shot

There was enough here for me to write about but not to write home about, which seems to be worthy of 2 shots when it comes right down to it.

• Hoover drinks champagne to celebrate and Tolson remarks on this
• Drinks at the table when the starlettes fawn on Hoover
• Whiskey when Tolson and Hoover admit they’re in love

Slurred Speeches

I will dismiss from this bureau any agent indulging in intoxicants.

Hoover’s speech to his troops on the first day of the creation of the Bureau of Investigation.

Rock & Roll:0 Shots

Yeah, nothing. Not happening. Not the action, not the music. Nada.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Dustin Lance Black

Directed by: Clint Eastwood

Starring

Naomi Watts – Helen Gandy
Lea Thompson – Lela Rogers
Jamie LaBarber – Ginger Rogers
Amanda Schull – Anita Colby
Sadie Calvano – Edgar’s Niece
Leonardo DiCaprio – J. Edgar Hoover
Armie Hammer – Clyde Tolson
Jeffrey Donovan – Robert Kennedy

Bottom Line

Wait for it to come on the History Channel

Al K Hall’s Drawers

It’s all over but the crying and if you don’t want to see that, then click on the link here and it’ll take you straight to my drawer shots…

Naomi Watts (43)

Naomi Watts in the Bar None

Naomi Watts in the Bar None

Lea Thompson (50)

Jamie Lebarber (17 / Legal 18)

Amanda Schull (34)

Leonardo DiCaprio (37)

Leonardo Dicaprio in the Bar None

Leonardo Dicaprio in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

[Click on the link for Fan Art]

Ho Much

Patronizer of the Bar None!

Come!
Come on!
Come on down (but not necessarily in that order)!

You’re the next contestant on the Price is Ripe.

Meet Seana Spreng, 40, Jill Figueroa, 36, and Alexis Hodges, 35 . These three ladies were arrested in Myrtle Beach SC on charges of prostitution during a “crack” down after complaints and what the hell were people complaining about, the service? Because it sure as hell wasn’t the price– you get to name your own.

Which brings me to the game portion of our show for you players. Take out a sharpie and draw a line on your screen to match the woman to the price she asked the undercover cop for.

He are the correct answers…

You see what’s so funny?

Good, because i sure as hell don’t. A 12-pack for guaranteed sex sounds like much of my dating career. Except for the “guaranteed” part.

_____________

AlKHallism: The Bar None is an Open Bar for all my patronizers. If like Brandi, you have something artistic you’d like to share here, tell me in the Comments Section.

3000-4000 people stumble through here each day, so if you got something you want that many people to partake of, let me know in the Comments Section.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a cocktail i woulda liked to have tried before i quit drinking, and by the way you can consider this your educational moment of the day, you’re welcome.

There’s a bar in the Yukon called the Sourdough Saloon and i’m sure they’re bummed i have the name “The Bar None” but too bad for them, they can suck my dead man’s toe.

Not really, i can suck theirs.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

They serve a drink in the Sourdough Saloon called a “Sour Toe Cocktail” which is basically your drink of choice with (for an extra 5 Canadian dollars) the dehydrated toe of a dead person in it. No, unfortunately you’re not allowed to eat the toe. Seems they put it back in the jar and re-use it over and over again and it stays sterile from all of the booze.

We’re gonna offer a drink like this at the Bar None, soon. ‘Cept it won’t be a toe, because that’s already been done. i won’t tell you what body part it is, let me just say “Cocktail” is an appropriate name.

Here’s Tarantino doing a Sourtoe Cocktail body shot.

Individual shots of the collages are spread out below.

From the juiced-box and the movie (but not the soundtrack): Frankie Miller – After All (Live My Life)

[Press 'Play' for the most beautiful thing you will hear today]

Ramblings: The Proof is in the Rum

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a drinker? They make you feel right at home because they drink at least as much as you do and speak slower than they drink but faster than they think as they ramble through harrowing tales of lives they’d lost and booze they’d tossed but always neglecting to mention the cost and whether they’d paid it or left it for someone else to pick up the tab and the pieces. The avalanche of omissions offers sufficient detail to convince you maybe parts of the story were even true and while you listen you catch yourself hearing how the story is told and not so much to the story itself because it’s too disjointed but the words drinkers use and the style they choose flow like a river of booze that rocks you gently, baby, until you get carried away. That’s what The Rum Diary was like.

Similar to those tangled tales and the souls that tell them, The Rum Diary has its flaws, and some of them run deep, but it’s got the kind of soul that out-widens the tides. Some haters may tell you the problem here is a lack of direction but, jesus people, that’s the whole fucking point of this movie. Saying The Rum Diary lacks direction is like saying Titanic has too much boat shit in it. No, you really wanna know the problem with The Rum Diary? There’s too much fucking direction—and there’s not enough “too much”.

i don’t know if you know it or not because i didn’t until after the movie was over (which is more an attestation to how thoroughly i avoid hearing about a movie before seeing it than how stupid i am, or at least i like to think so), but The Rum Diary it’s based on a book of the same title by Hunter S Thompson. For those of you who don’t know who this man was, that’s a pretty fucking sad gap in your cool knowledge which needs to be remedied pretty fucking quickly.

Hunter S Thompson - Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Thompson was a writer and reporter who will live forever in the annals of writing shit as the inventor of “Gonzo Journalism”. Gonzo journalism is a style where the writer steps out from behind the page and into your face with an exploding bombastic tirade against all that is holy, warring against convention while rambling on incessantly about the subject with a slew of words spewed on the page so densely and with such intensity the reader gasps at the end of each sentence because they mentally forget to breathe.

Bill Murray as Hunter S Thompson

If that sounds like anyone you know that’s not an accident. i first heard about Thompson in 1981 thanks to Bill Murray’s least known movie, Where the Buffalo Roam (written by Thompson himself, bitches), which is one of my Top 10 Desert Island Movies and don’t you dare see it because there’s no way you’d ever get it like i do because i have a special relationship with this film that i don’t understand myself. The first time i saw it on Cinemax i thought it sucked but with each subsequent viewing my appreciation grew geometrically. Bill Murray plays Thomson covering the 1972 US Presidential Elections and Superbowl to the backdrop of tuneage of the times and a soundtrack composed and performed by the mighty Neil Young himself. This was also at an impressionable / impressionistic time for me in my development as a writer and much of my journalistic style i stole directly from Hunter.

Those of you in the younger crowd will be more familiar with another movie based on Thompson’s work life and life’s work called Fear and Loathing, which also starred –it’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to drive it home–Johnny Depp as Thompson. Here’s a photo of them in a New York airport in 1998 hanging out together. In 1997, Depp lived at Thompson’s ranch for 4 months (!) to prepare for Fear and Loathing (much as Bill Murray stayed, drank and shot with Thompson while preparing Where the Buffalo Roam).

Anyway, this isn’t a review of Hunter Thompson, otherwise i’d just give him 5-stars, turn off  the engine and get your door because this ride would be over. But no, it’s a review of the film and, like i said, the bastiches made too much of a classic movie out of a subject that just could not be classified.

Let’s look at the good shit first. Like there was a Johnny Depp as Thompson and lately our boy has been more and more of a regular here at the Bar None and not just here but real bars as well, so many in fact that his hottie petite French wife told him to stay out of her face until whatever demons he’s raising Cain have their run of course and die from exhaustion. i only bring that shit up here because this desperate drunken loneliness has tattooed Depp and the sacrificial battle scars he bares help him sell the role like hell and back.

Also very good was the look, the feel, the smell of the movie. It’s set in Puerto Rico before you were born and damn if it doesn’t remind me of Puerto Rico before you were born. The haircuts, the clothes, the cars are saturated with 70′s and dripping with authenticity. i suspect even the fucking light was imported from the 70′s because it didn’t look at all like our modern, 2011, sunshine in this puppy but more like used sunlight leftover from a ’73 Coppertone ad.

There were some floaties in The Rum…, though. For example, the script was so well written it kept stepping on the actor’s toes, trying to upstage them. Check out this Thompson quote,

Human beings are the only animal on earth who claim a God, and the only ones who act as though there wasn’t one.

Seriously, how do you want to act that line?

Maybe the biggest stain in The Rum Diary is that they tried to base it on a book i haven’t read yet, because adapting a book to a movie is some tricky alchemy. Nobody wants to read a movie, so they gotta put people doing shit on screen even if they didn’t do much but talk cool in the book because cool talk often isn’t enough to see. Plus, you can get away more with not having a plot in a book, but in movies people start accusing you of being French if there’s no beginning, middle, end, denouement. What i’m saying is, whoever wrote the script wasn’t me because if it was, there’d be a lot more “gonzo” and a lot less “journalism”.

Here’s what i’m saying. The Rum Diary made concessions that the man the movie is about never would have.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

There was a sad absence of sex in The Rum Diary. Maybe there was a sad absence of sex in the book, i wouldn’t know, i don’t know how to read, or maybe there was a sad absence of sex in Thompson’s life because that’s often the way it is out there on the edge. There’s not a lot of women out that far and when you finally meet one, the edge gets in the way.

Still, The Rum Diary had Amber Heard That. Just wow. She’s a dangerously beautiful young lady whose talent…is struggling to catch up to her beauty, let’s say. You can tell because there’s this one scene where her voice sounds empty and that’s because it was dubbed in. This means she shot the scene and the director had to call her back in afterwards and ask her to do it better. So they stuck her second try on top of the images and it sounds different than Johnny Depp’s voice because he did a good job and so didn’t need the do over.

That said, this is the kind of thing that makes up for her talent.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of my drawers. Just look all the way down there at the bottom and click the “Continue Reading” button.

Here’s the blow by blow:

• Beautiful girl [Amber Heard] swimming nude.
• “Oh god, why did she have to happen to me when I was doing so well without her?”
• See-though gauze dress on the lesbian hottie [Amber Heard]
• Amanda Heard bare boobs through the telescope & fuzzy
• Sex scene. Johnny Depp. Bra On. Shadow titty blocking.

For those of you more into Rum than Diaries, there’s some Johnny Depp for you.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’s some more Johnny Deep in my drawers. Look down there and way in the back.

Drink: 4½ Shots

Oh so very close to a 5-shot serving. The alcohol is certainly prevalent enough in this bad boy but the problem is that it’s not critical to the story. To get the coveted 5 shots, alcohol has to be more than constant, it has to be the foundation. Still, there was more than enough to go around here.

• Rum in a mini-bottle
• Depp looks hungover when he woke up
• Mini-fridge on its side and pried open
• He [tells the room service waiter that he] couldn’t find the key: “I was looking for nuts. I avoid alcohol…when I can.”
• During the job interview he [Richard Jenkins as Lotterman, the newspaper boss] asks [Depp/Kemp] how much he drinks and tells him he can tell he’s [Depp/Kemp] hungover and that Puerto Rico isn’t the best place to sober up. He [Jenkins/Lotterman] doesn’t need another heavy drinker.
• Drinking at the bar after first day.
• Moburg [Giovanni Ribisi]: “his entire sub cortex is eaten away by rum.”
• Moburg drinks Budweiser
• Rum bottles instead of bowling pins
• “How does anyone drink 161 miniatures?”
• Bud in the airport waiting for the mayor.
• Drinking water from a goldfish bowl (dirty one) because of bad cotton mouth
• Amber Heard acts drunk better than she does sober

Slurred Speeches

Lotterman: How much do you drink?
Kemp: The upper end of social.

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

i’m trying to download the soundtrack but it’s taking a lot of time to pick up the thread. My notes tell me there was some nice blues and a soft Spanish acoustic song that scraped my soul. Plus, there was some decent rock and roll action and even some cock fights. i never get to say cock fight enough, so that’s gotta be worth half a star, right? Anyway, if i’m ever able to get a hold of this thing, there’ll be some cool songs i’d like to share with y’all (including Patti Smith doing “The Mermaid Song”).

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Hunter S Thompson (novel), Bruce Robinson (screenplay)

Directed by: Bruce Robinson

Starring

Amber Heard – Chenault
Johnny Depp – Kemp
Aaron Eckhart – Sanderson
Michael Rispoli – Sala
Richard Jenkins – Lotterman
Giovanni Ribisi – Moburg

Bottom Line

This movie made me want to smoke, made me want to drink, made me want to live in Puerto Rico on the beach, made me want to wirte well, made me want to want less.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The funny is finished. It’s all over but the hot pictures…

Amber Heard (25)

Amber Heard in The Bar None

Amber Heard in The Bar None

Johnny Depp (48)

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Here it is, the beginning of another year and you’re starting it off wishing you could forget the few memories still hanging on from last night. i know, and how else could i know except i’ve been in the exact same places you are now. Well, not exactly the same because i don’t even know your sister so how could i be passed out on the cement floor of the bathroom in her unfinished basement where he husband insisted we sleep because our puke is bound to be heroically pungent after all the imitation crab legs we nuked on shiny paper plates with slabs of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.

Even if i haven’t been there specifically, i’ve been there before and it’s not because i’m sober today that i don’t recall ringing in the new year with a bell that clanged too fucking loudly and sounded like a hangover.

As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to help by knocking one item off the to-do list scrawled on the back of the leaf you’re in too much pain to turn over at the moment. Here, then, are the

Ten Drinking Resolutions You’ve Made for 2012

1. I Resolve To Hold My Liquor Better

2. I Resolve To Sit Up Straight No Matter How Drunk i Am

3. I Resolve Not To Spill My Drink

4. I Resolve Not To Dance While Drunk

5. I Resolve Not To Play With Fire When Drinking

6. I Resolve Not To Get A Tattoo If i’m Drunk

7. I Resolve To Remember Cardboard Is Not A Costume

8. I Resolve Not To Go Native

9. I Resolve To Stop Sleeping Around

10. I Resolve To Pass Out In A Bed

BONUS ROUND: Click at your own risk and watch your step:

11. I Resolve To Observe Correct Usage of Toilets

Here’s an excerpt:

London Olympic Stadium holds 80,000 people. This blog was viewed about 920,000 times in 2011. If it were competing at London Olympic Stadium, it would take about 12 sold-out events for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Al forgot something in his Booze Revooze post about MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – GHOST PROTOCOL. That something was a photo collage of the estimable Mr. Simon Pegg.

In comments on that post, Al wrote:

LOL, i knew i was gonna catch crap from you on this! If i have some time and the ‘puter is up and running, i’ll see what i can do.

Well, since Al’s ‘puter has been all funky and all, I decided to take matters into my own hands, and present to you Sexy Simon Pegg — a wallpaper for your desktop, should you be a nerdy girl like me who has the hots for him. Hot Fuzz, indeed! Beam me up, Scotty!

For the wallpaper, click on the pic and then right click to save.

You’re Welcome.
xoxo
Mrs D

Simon Pegg in the Bar None

Happy Holi-gays

From the Juiced-Box: Dirty Boyz – All I Want For Christmas Is To Get It Crunk

[Press 'Play' for "What you want for Christmas? What you want boy? All I want for Christmas is to get it drunk."]

Welcome Barmaids and Beerhounds. ‘Tis i, your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here for my annual visit, putting the “X” in Xmas and the…uh… “ass fucker” in “Kick Ass Mother Fucker”. i’m making my annual appearance, putting my family aside for the moment to come here and put together a blog for those of you good enough to make it in on this the most massy of days.

2,124 of y’all have stumbled in so far (it’s 9pm right now in Yeaman) and i’m here with you to let you know you’re not alone and that i appreciate each and every one of your visits. As proof, here’s…

Drunk Santa

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

You think that guy’s scary, check this shit out.

Christmas Planking

To be followed by “My 1st Hangover”.

After Santa arrives, where does he leave the presents? Under the…

Drunk Tree

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

So here it is…my gift to you…Christmas Cookies.

Finger licking good.

Live it up , y’all. i really hope you enjoy this holiday season and i thank you on this day of all days for patronizing me.

Click to view slideshow.

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eminem (feat Pink) – Won’t Back Down

Yeaman, once again, received this movie shitloads before the Americans and i don’t know what y’all in the States did to piss off whoever the fuck it was that decides these things but the powers that be-came to Yeaman where i watched this and snapped stills like this just so you’d believe i was there.

Sometimes i accidentally make art with this shit

The rest of the stills are in the drawers. Just scroll all the way down ’til you hit the link to click on to get into my drawers.

Ramblings: Go Proctologist

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a high class call girl? Ooh, she knows which of your buttons to push and when to push them and how to push them just right because she makes a business of doing pleasure with you while you lay back and let the pleasure wash through you and out of you like the warm rolling waves of intoxication carrying you overboard until you drown in the ecstasy only to wake up cold and wet and alone because you were way deeper into her than she ever was in you and she was only going through the motions when she took you for your ride but what a fucking ride it was all the way around the world and anyway, you weren’t paying her to be sincere, just to take you away for a couple hours. That’s what Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol was like.

[Cue Mission Impossible Theme: Da - da da duh dada Da- da da duh dada nene-oo - nene-oo (Da - da da...)]

All Three Food Groups

There i was at work and i knew the movie was premiering early and i was supposed to be working on reports and taking some calls but i cleared my phone schedule and walked right out the front door acting all normal even though i was cutting out prematurely and the boss was watching me… Then, i didn’t have enough time to eat dinner so i had a candy, popcorn and Coke Zero dinner (see photo) at the theater and to top off this action packed excursion to the movies i also had an impossible mission which was to stay awake because i’d been sleeping around 4 hours a night every night and that was catching up to me so would i be able to stay awake for the whole film after a 2-course (popcorn and candy) meal?

Nene-oo, nene-oo Da -da da duh dada…

Cutting to the chase, like a cheap hooker on meth-laced Irish coffee it was mercifully easy to stay awake the entire time. There was a lot of action and what worked in MI: Ghost Protocol was that the action scenes were strung together well and that the scenes were both rather original and well shot.

Sometimes action movies only have two or three action scenes and the rest of the movie is guys crying and sharing their feelings, or sometimes there’s a lot of lazy action when the director can’t squeeze out any original ideas so he pinches everyone else’s and you get one cliche car chase followed by a hackneyed karate fight scene, but not here, man. Here the action comes non-stop and hard and you even get Tom Cruise doing his own stunts which gives this puppy a certain credibility.

The acting? The acting was perfect because there was none of it. We don’t fucking need acting if we have action, all we need is Paula Patton, Tom Cruise and Jeremy Renner looking good while they do exciting shit and that works.

There were some downers to this. First off, everyone’s gonna tell you this movie was funny because it had humor mixed in with the action which is bullshit. They dragged Simon Pegg into MI: Ghost Protocol just for these moments but it’s all just standard boring obligatory comedy you’ve already seen on Get Smart reruns—not as edgy as the action, s’what i’m saying.

"Ugh, what's all this sticky white stuff on the gloves?"

What else sucked? The CGI kind of. Sometimes it really worked (the sand storm) but other times (Red Square explosion) it looked like it was a teenager playing with his mom’s cell phone camera and an old version of Picasa, which was distracting. And that’s about all the sucky parts, which is why i liked Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol better than all the other Mission Impossibles especially because i can’t even remember any of them.

It’s worth the wait, babes.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

The first thing i jotted down in my notebook was about how the first three names in the opening credits were all guys. “In technical movie review terms, we critics refer to this as ‘A Bad Sign’,” is what i wrote exactly.

Girl Fight at the Bar: This Movie Rocks

On the other hand (and that way you can pretend it’s someone else’s), i kinda get that because this movie was all about the action and the director didn’t want to get it bogged down with romance, which is just fine with me because i don’t come to these things to watch awkward pretend kissing and uncomfortable sexual gyrating because i get enough of that shit at home. Truth be told, i was even pleasantly surprised the director resisted the temptation to stick in a romance where it wan’t necessary and didn’t even belong.

Still, would it have killed anyone to inject a few bathing suit scenes or gratuitous boobage in this movie? The closest we come (which is to say we don’t come at all) to that is Paula Patton changing down to a bra in the back of a taxi.

The lead female actor is Paula Patton (36) who does not get any romance on but who cares as long as we get to look at her looking like this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are literally tons more shots of her in my drawers down at the bottom of the post, after the “Continue Reading” link.  (And yes, “literally tons” because if you add up all her weight in all the pictures i’ma post of her then it comes to tons, so stop splitting hairs and get back to enjoying this shit.)

Thrown into the mix is 26-year-old mademoiselle française who’s hot because she’s a 26-year-old française mademoiselle named Léa Seydoux who has an accent on her name an everything which makes her butt loads exotic. i’m thinking about adding one to my name, to: Al K Hàll. What do yo think? Not as convincing as this, i bet.

Léa Say-Do

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

For those of you who are less into “Miss Shins” than “Posse Bulls” (oh shut up, i know) we get Tom Cruise (39):

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’s also a couple handsome wallpapers of him in the drawers (’cause i got Tom Cruise in my drawers, yo), just go beyond the “Continue Reading” click.

There’s also some of that Jeremy Renner (40) action.

And more in the drawers. With Tom Cruise. Jeremy Renner and Tom Cruise are both in my drawers, is what i’m saying.

Finally, we got some Josh Holloway. Why? Good question. He’s in the movie, is why, and he’s in the movie because Bad Robot helped produce this and Bad Robot is J J Abrams’ company and it created Lost which had Josh Holloway. Just like Bad Robot produced the only good Star Trek movie and Simon Pegg was in that as Scottie and so JJ brought him over to be in this one, too.

Anyway, here’s Josh. Just Josh ‘n’…

There are many ways to butcher those we love....

Shh, it’s a secret but there’s an extra special bonus collage all the way at the very bottom of my drawers down there.

Drink: 2½ Shots

Not so bad, actually. i mean, sure, alcohol wasn’t a fundamental part of the show but it didn’t need to be and there were enough references to keep a drinker satisfied. Here’s the dirt from my notes…

• [Jeremy Renner] drinking whiskey while giving back story
• In the party [Paula Patton] is drinking champagne and the Indian Mahjong [in my notes i have a special kind of long shorthand] asks if she likes it and she says she was always a bourbon girl.
• Beer in the bar with big black guy. Kronenberg?

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

Not a lot of rock music but this movie kicked so much ass it’s shoes smell like the shit. Plus, there’s the Eminem song they play with the trailer, but i’m not sure i remember that actually being in the movie. Still, if you’re looking for a cool version of the Mission Impossible Theme…

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Josh Appelbaum & André Nemec
Bruce Geller (television series “Mission: Impossible”)

Directed by: Brad Bird

Starring

Paula Patton – Jane
Léa Seydoux – Sabine MoreauTom Cruise – Ethan Hunt
Jeremy Renner – Brandt
Simon Pegg – Benji
Josh Holloway – Hanaway

Bottom Line

If i can succeed my Mission Impossible and stay awake through this after only 3 hours sleep, you can certainly handle it.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Click “Continue reading” to access the Drawers where i keep the extra sexy and extra, sexy photos.

Stills off my Cell Phone

Paula Patton (36)

Léa Seydoux (26)

Léa Sydoux in the Bar None

Tom Cruise (39)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Tom and Katie in the Bar None

Tom Cruise still in the Bar None

Jeremy Renner (40)

Jeremy Renner (with Jennifer Garner) in the Bar None

Bonus Shot

One of my Top 10 Desert Island chicks, Michelle Monaghan (35), makes a small, uncredited cameo  in the closing secodns of the movie as Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) ‘s wife. Here’s the wallpaper from the Booze Revooze of Due Date.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.

“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.

And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.

What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?

1a. Toys for Boys

Hey, Don't Blame His Taste, Blame Yours

1b. Toys for Chicks

Redneck Barbie

2. Toys for Neither

Bored Games

Not So Bored Games

3. For the Makers Marksmen

The Shot Gun

4. For the Festive Drinker

Reinbeer

5. For Those with a Green Tongue

The Booze Tree

6. Drunk Test #1

Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?

Drunk Test #2

When You're Lap Is Wet, You're Drunk

7. For the Impractical Joker

Father Pissmas

8. For the Fashion Unconscious

Does Not Come In Small

9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me

The Beer-ed: Real Subtle

The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)

Check Out Her Jugs

10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?

And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif

North Pole Dancer