You know how you sit around your place thinking, “It could be worse, I could be Al”? Well, stop doing that for a sec and wonder on this for a spell: Who does Al say that about? Go ahead and stop fretting your pretty little heads about that already, though, ’cause these are some of the people i tell myself i could be worse than. Or whatever.
To kick off this mess, here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated to the not as straight Owen Wilson: Reverend Horton Heat – Baby, I’m Drunk
[Press ‘Play’ for Owen’s Son theme song.]
Seems Owen Wilson got one of his buddies pregnant and she dropped spawn January 14 this year. i’m betting he hung out with her and shot the shit and looked at his baby (and his watch) for a while. But you be knowin’ Owen and that boy is not a one-baby boy so just last week he was out drinking in a limo with a generous handful of other babes. Legal ones. And blonde. Back at his hotel. Must of rocked because went out and did it again the next night. Except turning the booze and the babes up a notch.
To be fair to Mr Wilson, i couldn’t find any evidence anywhere that Owen promised Jade Duell (28) anything more than a semen injection from his needle dick. So probably it’s cool if he’s out scoping babes rather than babies.
You gotta give him credit for trying to make an impression on my good side, but his recent shots missed the mark in a big way.
So Nick the Dick was celebrating the underwhelming 9th place opening weekend he had with his drunk Drive Angry movie which cost 50 million to make and so far has made only 1/5th of that which is so small there’s not even a key for it in WordPress. He got wasted in this poor restaurant and got in a fight and broke a window and the poh-poh shut him down by taking him back to his hotel for “his own insecurity”. Oops, i mean “his own security”.
You think that’s trippy, follow this link to a video of Cage-y drunk and obnoxious in Bucharest, Romania.
i’m gonna keep bragging about this even after you get fed up of hearing about it and stop coming here. Way back in December of 2009 (what!?), i made the link between Tiger Woods and booze and i used up all my good golf-drinking puns, and the other ones too, so you should be safe here.
Anyway, Tiger has a new girlfriend (emphasis on ‘girl’): 22-year-old Alyse Lahti Johnston, making her younger than some of the scotch he also pounds. Yep, she’d be the one splashed across the wallpaper gracing the entry to the Bar None up top.
But what is it that ties one on between her and the booze in the Woods? Five months ago she was busted for drunk driving in…if it’s not Tennessee where is it? You got it: Florida. It looked something like this kind of ugly.
And here’s a link you should super look into because Starcasm.net put a lot more work into this than i could ever be bothered to. My favorite part is the police report where the cop says, “I asked her on a scale of zero to ten with zero being sober and ten being impaired where she would rate herself? She replied ‘fuckin’ 10′.” That’s calling ’em as you kinda can’t see ’em. Oh, and what was the damage? Before Tiger she was blowing 0.210.