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From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Great Lake Swimmers – Your Rocky Spine

Ramblings: Chloeeek

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with flirts? They’re cool because they make you feel all special and wanted and they’re attractive because they attract; they attract you with these implicit promises of how special they’re gonna be for you. It’s in the little attentions that no one else gives you like how they look you in the eye when they talk or brush their fingers across your hand when they pass you the drink they paid for or how they only wanna talk about you. They make you think it’s all about you until you realize it’s not, it’s always been all about them and they only care about themselves and how you feel about them. That’s when you realize they’re not as hot as they seem, just some shallow flirt with no heart. Chloe is kinda like that.

Imagine you’re a woman. You think your husband’s cheating on you and you find a suspicious message on his phone and he’s very elusive and is a total flirt. Do you confront him? Of course not. You hire a prostitute to flirt with him and see if he takes the bait. Yeah, the whole movie was pretty much this kind of ridiculous. Maybe because it was based on a French film.

On the bright side, it had Julianne Moore who is a cool man’s Meryl Streep. Even if  her part is lame, she’s able to make it walk and often make it sing. The rest of the movie, as Miss Demeanor says, is pretty much intellectual pornography. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a bad thing, just don’t hope for anything more. Like i said, Chloe is a flirt that shows you enough skin to get you interested but in the end only cares about being liked.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

If the movie is thinker’s porn, then you gotta expect some action here and Chloe delivers. Finally a movie that doesn’t shy away from a little nudity.

Get there in time for the opening credits, when we get Amanda Seyfried dressing in front of this antique mirror. Chloe looked good on Amanda, as Chloe spends a lot of time naked and near-naked. We also get a girl-on-girl kiss between Chloe and Catherine Stewart (Julianne Moore), before Chloe and Catherine go all the way. There’s a shot of her and her butt in a mirror, wait let me find it, there it is, and a lot of side boob.

Maybe too much side boob. The only time we get to see her full-on nipple is in a shot without her face, which makes Miss D and me suspect that Amanda had a body double. It made us wonder if there isn’t something wrong with her boobs, that she wouldn’t be shy to show the side but shied away from full frontal, you know?

Here’s something i like. Her mouth. She has the coolest mouth and i have my fingers crossed those lips are the real thing because kissing plastic is like licking a condom. If her mouth is authentic, her lips are full and plump as cupid’s ass. One of the things that got up Miss D’s nose was all the close-ups, but i didn’t mind ‘em so much because it meant i got to stare at my share of the lusciousness. Here’s a shot of that mouth, so  you can judge for yourselves.

For the rest of the shots, i’ve decided to follow Miss D’s advice and just stick a collage here. If you’re looking for full shots, i’ll serve those up at the bottom of the post so they don’t get in the way of the wit. Gotta always be thinking about the wit. Amanda Seyfried (24):

Like i said, i’ll post the individual shots of her at the bottom of this puppy.

There was also Julianne Moore (still smoking at 49!) as Catherine Stewart. Ahhh, Julianne Moore. Talented, beautiful and naked. In one scene we get to see her body as she gets off in the shower while fantasizing about Chloe giving her husband a handjob in a greenhouse. She’s also topless while doing the deed with Amanda toward the end of the movie. This is another moment when you’re happy the director decide to overdo close-ups.

There’s another thing i love about Julianne apart from her body and acting and her acting with her body: her freckles. Her freckles are constellations splashed across milky skin, holding the secrets of my future and my past upon which i gaze to find romance.

As if that weren’t enough, we also get a near nip slip when she wakes up in her wife-beater pajamas, that she then walks around in braless. Finally, a real woman who sleeps without a bra. (If you haven’t read my rant about movies with women who sleep wearing bras, then this won’t make much sense.)

You’ll find her indie shots at the bottom of the post. For other pictures in other Booze Revooze, click here.

Silken Butterflies

Kicking off those young starlettes whose brief appearances left me thirsty for more we have Nina Dobrev (21) who plays the son’s (Michael Stewart, played by Max Thieriot) girlfriend. Your heart will skip a beat as she runs down the hall, hoping to hide from Mike’s mom.

If you want another round, there are more Nina pictures at the end of this.

No less charming was Meghan Heffern (26). This hottie played Miranda, the student who flirts with her professor, David Stewart (Liam Neeson). Makes me want to be a college teacher.

You’ll find more of her at the bottom…

There also was Tiffany Lyndall-Knight, who played Trina. “Trina” is scribbled in my notes but i have no idea who she was in the movie. Still, i sure as hell remember how good the Knight was.

Speaking of co-eds, Krysta Carter (24) plays “Young Co-Ed”. Mmmmmm, young co-ed. Krysta, babe, i’ve got my fingers crossed that we see a lot more of you in the future…

For those of you who prefer stalks to stalkers, i have Liam Neeson (47). He was a little flat as David Syewart, but you gotta cut him some slack because his wife died while he was filming Chloe. She had her ski accident and he had to leave the set to be with her, and after she tragically died, his role was rewritten to give him less screen time. He came back for two days to finish the filming.

Drink: 2 Shots

So yeah, there wasn’t tons of booze but enough references and the fact they said what they were drinking was nice. Also i got to learn about a wine that was new to me: Maybach. Apparently car people know it ’cause it’s a famous kind of Mercedes, but the family also owns a vineyard in the Napa valley. It’ll cost you $55 – $300 bones. This explains why it was new to me. What do you expect from the Mercedes family?

• Champagne at the surprise birthday party
• Scotch [Glenfiddich] for birthday
• [David] flirts with waitress by asking her what she drinks—it’s Maybach wine
• [The girls drink] Chardonnay in the whore bar
• [David] drinks the scotch [Catherine] got him
• Wine in the café when [Chloe] tells [Catherine] how she gave [David] a handjob
• Cognac in the café with her husband

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

The movie was made in Toronto and so there were the Canadian Silken Butterflies (Krysta and Tiffany are from Toronto, Meghan is from Edmonton) and a lot of Canadian Indie music as well. The Great Lake Swimmers are Torontonian and the film’s “central group”, Raised By Swans, are Londoners—the one in Ontario.

i call Raised By Swans the “central group” because Chloe gives Michael one of their CD’s, he tries to learn a song of theirs, their song “We Were Never Young” is playing in the whore bar when Catherine and Chloe meet, and “Longer Shadows, Shorter Days” is what Michael’s listening to when his mom comes home.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Raised By Swans – We Were Never Young

It’s not rock & roll, but it’s not bad for what it is.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Anne Fontaine (motion picture Nathalie)

Erin Cressida Wilson (screenplay)

Directed by: Atom Egoyan

Starring

Julianne Moore – Catherine Stewart

Amanda Seyfried – Chloe

Nina Dobrev – Anna

Meghan Heffern – Miranda

Tiffany Lyndall-Knight – Trina

Liam Neeson – David Stewart

Bottom Line

Don’t see it. Wait for the DVD and watch it in the privacy of your own home with a twelve-pack and a fresh bottle of lotion.

Bonus Rounds

Amanda Seyfried

Julianne Moore

Nina Dobrev

Meghan Heffern