Booze Revooze: LES MISERABLES

Les Miserables poster bar none booze revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eddie Redmayne, Daniel Huttlestone & Students – Drink with Me

[Press ‘Play’ for “Let the wine of friendship never run dry…”]

Ramblings: Less Miserable

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shotsYou know how you get drunk in a French karaoke bar? Everyone is singing in English but something’s still not quite right and you don’t know if it’s you because of how fucked up you are or because of how fucked up everyone else is in the spotlight singing strange songs strangely, songs you’ve never heard of or heard before and you start to wonder if you haven’t stumbled into French gay hell. Even weirder are all the people in the bar who are really getting into it and you don’t know how you missed the ass they’re riding in on but you’re sure as hell not getting off at the same place they are. Still, it’s fun to watch everyone from a distance because they’re cute or drunk or funny but never all 3 together unfortunately. So you were kind of dreading going but it was distracting and more than once entertaining even if that was only from laughing at the show and the whack-jobs watching it. That’s kinda what Les Misérables was like.

Les Miserables 01 bar none booze revooze

The Villlager People

It’s not the film’s fault but i forgot this was a musical even if it technically isn’t but is an opera instead. Yes, this is far worse. Not just bad. Opera bad.

One of the many things i have never understood is the concept of Musicals. i’m especially curious to know what the first ever musical was. i want to know this so i can go back in time and kill the fucker who wrote it and thus perhaps save the universe from the monumental pain the opera fat ass that is Opera.

People walk around spontaneously combusting into song at the drop of a top hat? What kind of sick ass word is that? Tell you what, i see some some beach dancing in the streets, i’mma run his skippy ass down. If god wanted us to sing everything that crossed our minds, he would of made me deaf. Not just deaf. Opera deaf.

 Les Miserables 02 bar none booze revooze

Jacques in a Box

So, what was good about this other than its ending? It was funny watching Russel Crowe sing, but no so much fun hearing it. Maybe my favorite part of the film was the French history in it, and that should tell you how much i didn’t like the singing. Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were cool and their songs sucked less than everyone else’s. That’s about it.

My absolute favorite part? Other than the special movie theater i went to that had first class airplane electronic recliner chairs with a tray and waiters that delivered to your seat (i shit you totally not), my favorite part was the 15 year old i was with telling me she liked it. i was so relieved that this automatically went to 3 shots for me. Plus, she may read this one day and i told her i liked it so i don’t want to be a liar.

 Les Miserables 03 bar none booze revooze

My barber also does my tassles.

Speaking of underage…Isabelle Allen is only 10 so i’m going to card her cute little ID right here so that she doesn’t get mixed up with all the vulgarity to follow. She played Young Cosette but there was nothing amateur about her performance. If the crazy skilz she displayed here are any indication, her future will be as winning as her smile. And not just winning. Opera winning.

Isabelle Allen 01 Used 2013-01-13 bar none booze revooze

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:1 Shot

Les Miserables sex 01 bar none booze revooze Anne-Hathaway

Anne Hathaway is so dirty

1 shotFirst off Anne Hathaway is beautiful and she’s in this movie and she worked hard for the Oscar nom nom. She went so far as to flash her brillo patch to raise up awarenesses under the Motion Picture Board and i know she keeps saying she feels terribly embarrassed about it but there’s no way a woman who was already smeared by the paps when she wore a see-through top [and if you’ve forgotten the glory of that precious moment, here’s a Bar None Wallpaper to jog more than your memory] would forget to wear her underwear unless she was hoping for some big publicity or at least a gentle press.

Anne Hathaway 00 bar none booze revooze

Anyway, Hathaway did a good job playing Fantine in the movie and wants everyone to know it. Hell, don’t hide your light under a bushel, Anne. Like i won’t hide this.

Anne Hathaway 2013-01-13 Wallpaper bar none booze revooze

Anne Hathaway Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be some single shots of her lurking in my drawers down below. Just scroll to the bottom and click on the “Continue reading” link.

Amanda Seyfried (Cosette) showed up in this movie too which is nice because it gives me an excuse to show you this.

Amanda Seyfried 2013-01-13 Wallpaper bar none booze revooze

Amanda Seyfried Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some single shots of her as well, in my drawers down there.

Plus i really liked the final female lead Samantha Barks / Éponine because she is more normal beautiful than the famous beauties and i’m a fan of normal beauty. Here’s an example.

Samantha Barks Bar None 2013-01-13 Wallpaper Booze Revooze

Samantha Barks Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i’ll have some more single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to see if Barks is worse than her bite.

Finally, Helena Bonham Carter, Her Lady of Ultimate Coolness did a great job in this movie as Madame Thénardier (to Sacha Baron Cohen’s Thénardier). i’ve already exposéd her a couple of times here and clicking on the cleavage will take you to that stack of photos.

Les Miserables sex 02 bar none booze revooze Helena-Bonham Carter downblouse

Silken Butterflies

The supremely talented Frances Ruffelle played “Whore 1”.

Frances Ruffuelle 2013-01-13 Used bar none booze revooze

Not to be outdone, Charlotte Spencer plays “Whore 3”. Lots of whoring going on in this movie with lots of not nudity. Seems the writers didn’t really grasp the whole concept of whores.

Charlotte Spencer Used 2013-01-13 bar none booze revooze

For those of you more into Tenor 11 inches, there was Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier.

Sacha Baron Cohen 2013-01-13 Used bar none booze revooze

Sacha Baron Cohen in the Bar None

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Sacha Baron Cohen Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Aaron Tveit as Enjolras.

Aaron Tveit Used 2013-01-13 bar none booze revooze

And Eddie Redmayne as Marius.

Eddie Redmayne Used 2013-01-13 bar none booze revooze

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

1 shot

Could’ve been worse. Not that there was tons of drinking but i liked what there was, which was basically Sacha Baron Cohen and his inn and people getting drunk inn there.

Here’s the blow by blow:

  • Gave Valjean wine & bread at the church he stole from
  • Sacha Cohen wakes up with a keg, kisses it and tells it, “I love you.”
  • “Don’t let the wine go to your brain” lyric [from “Red and Black”]
  • A song called “Drink with Me” [included in the intro]

Les Miserables drink 01 bar none booze revooze Helena-Bonham Carter

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 shots

Seriously, did you know most of the songs here don’t even rhyme? How fucked up is that? Just because you use a stupid singing voice when you say shit doesn’t mean you’re singing.

Check this out and read the lyrics…

Before you say another word, Javert
Before you chain me up like a slave again
Listen to me! There is something I must do.
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.
There is none but me who can intercede,
In Mercy’s name, three days are all I need.
Then I’ll return, I pledge my word.

Do you believe that bullshit? Or, as i write in my latest song:

Do you believe that bullshit.
It’s so stupid.

Les Miserables 05 bar none booze revooze

All Washed Up

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Victor Hugo (novel)
Claude-Michel Schönberg & Alain Boublil (book)
Herbert Kretzmer (lyrics)
Alain Boublil & Jean-Marc Natel (original: French text)
James Fenton (additional text)
William Nicholson (screenplay)

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Starring

Anne Hathaway – Fantine
Amanda Seyfried – Cosette
Helena Bonham Carter – Madame Thénardier
Samantha Barks – Éponine
Isabelle Allen – Young Cosette
Frances Ruffelle – Whore 1
Charlotte Spencer – Whore 3
Hugh Jackman – Jean Valjean
Russell Crowe – Javert
Sacha Baron Cohen – Thénardier
Eddie Redmayne – Marius
Aaron Tveit – Enjolras

Les Miserables 04 bar none booze revooze

“Yes! I love this fence, too!”

Bottom Line

Apart from the singing parts, though, Les Misérables was OK. Take out the songs and you got yourself a so-so movie here.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

I’s all over but the hotness. Keep going for the hot shots.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of CHLOE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Great Lake Swimmers – Your Rocky Spine

Ramblings: Chloeeek

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with flirts? They’re cool because they make you feel all special and wanted and they’re attractive because they attract; they attract you with these implicit promises of how special they’re gonna be for you. It’s in the little attentions that no one else gives you like how they look you in the eye when they talk or brush their fingers across your hand when they pass you the drink they paid for or how they only wanna talk about you. They make you think it’s all about you until you realize it’s not, it’s always been all about them and they only care about themselves and how you feel about them. That’s when you realize they’re not as hot as they seem, just some shallow flirt with no heart. Chloe is kinda like that.

Imagine you’re a woman. You think your husband’s cheating on you and you find a suspicious message on his phone and he’s very elusive and is a total flirt. Do you confront him? Of course not. You hire a prostitute to flirt with him and see if he takes the bait. Yeah, the whole movie was pretty much this kind of ridiculous. Maybe because it was based on a French film.

On the bright side, it had Julianne Moore who is a cool man’s Meryl Streep. Even if  her part is lame, she’s able to make it walk and often make it sing. The rest of the movie, as Miss Demeanor says, is pretty much intellectual pornography. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a bad thing, just don’t hope for anything more. Like i said, Chloe is a flirt that shows you enough skin to get you interested but in the end only cares about being liked.

Let Me Give You A Hand With That

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

If the movie is thinker’s porn, then you gotta expect some action here and Chloe delivers. Finally a movie that doesn’t shy away from a little nudity.

Get there in time for the opening credits, when we get Amanda Seyfried dressing in front of this antique mirror. Chloe looked good on Amanda, as Chloe spends a lot of time naked and near-naked. We also get a girl-on-girl kiss between Chloe and Catherine Stewart (Julianne Moore), before Chloe and Catherine go all the way. There’s a shot of her and her butt in a mirror, wait let me find it, there it is, and a lot of side boob.

Maybe too much side boob. The only time we get to see her full-on nipple is in a shot without her face, which makes Miss D and me suspect that Amanda had a body double. It made us wonder if there isn’t something wrong with her boobs, that she wouldn’t be shy to show the side but shied away from full frontal, you know?

Here’s something i like. Her mouth. She has the coolest mouth and i have my fingers crossed those lips are the real thing because kissing plastic is like licking a condom. If her mouth is authentic, her lips are full and plump as cupid’s ass. One of the things that got up Miss D’s nose was all the close-ups, but i didn’t mind ’em so much because it meant i got to stare at my share of the lusciousness. Here’s a shot of that mouth, so  you can judge for yourselves.

For the rest of the shots, i’ve decided to follow Miss D’s advice and just stick a collage here. If you’re looking for full shots, i’ll serve those up at the bottom of the post so they don’t get in the way of the wit. Gotta always be thinking about the wit. Amanda Seyfried (24):

Click on Image For Wallpaper Size

Like i said, i’ll post the individual shots of her at the bottom of this puppy.

There was also Julianne Moore (still smoking at 49!) as Catherine Stewart. Ahhh, Julianne Moore. Talented, beautiful and naked. In one scene we get to see her body as she gets off in the shower while fantasizing about Chloe giving her husband a handjob in a greenhouse. She’s also topless while doing the deed with Amanda toward the end of the movie. This is another moment when you’re happy the director decide to overdo close-ups.

There’s another thing i love about Julianne apart from her body and acting and her acting with her body: her freckles. Her freckles are constellations splashed across milky skin, holding the secrets of my future and my past upon which i gaze to find romance.

As if that weren’t enough, we also get a near nip slip when she wakes up in her wife-beater pajamas, that she then walks around in braless. Finally, a real woman who sleeps without a bra. (If you haven’t read my rant about movies with women who sleep wearing bras, then this won’t make much sense.)

Click On The Pic For Wallpaper

You’ll find her indie shots at the bottom of the post. For other pictures in other Booze Revooze, click here.

Silken Butterflies

Kicking off those young starlettes whose brief appearances left me thirsty for more we have Nina Dobrev (21) who plays the son’s (Michael Stewart, played by Max Thieriot) girlfriend. Your heart will skip a beat as she runs down the hall, hoping to hide from Mike’s mom.

Click On The Pic For A Wallpaper

If you want another round, there are more Nina pictures at the end of this.

No less charming was Meghan Heffern (26). This hottie played Miranda, the student who flirts with her professor, David Stewart (Liam Neeson). Makes me want to be a college teacher.

Click On The Pic For A Wallpaper

You’ll find more of her at the bottom…

There also was Tiffany Lyndall-Knight, who played Trina. “Trina” is scribbled in my notes but i have no idea who she was in the movie. Still, i sure as hell remember how good the Knight was.

Speaking of co-eds, Krysta Carter (24) plays “Young Co-Ed”. Mmmmmm, young co-ed. Krysta, babe, i’ve got my fingers crossed that we see a lot more of you in the future…

For those of you who prefer stalks to stalkers, i have Liam Neeson (47). He was a little flat as David Syewart, but you gotta cut him some slack because his wife died while he was filming Chloe. She had her ski accident and he had to leave the set to be with her, and after she tragically died, his role was rewritten to give him less screen time. He came back for two days to finish the filming.

Click On The Image For Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

So yeah, there wasn’t tons of booze but enough references and the fact they said what they were drinking was nice. Also i got to learn about a wine that was new to me: Maybach. Apparently car people know it ’cause it’s a famous kind of Mercedes, but the family also owns a vineyard in the Napa valley. It’ll cost you $55 – $300 bones. This explains why it was new to me. What do you expect from the Mercedes family?

  • Champagne at the surprise birthday party
  • Scotch [Glenfiddich] for birthday
  • [David] flirts with waitress by asking her what she drinks—it’s Maybach wine
  • [The girls drink] Chardonnay in the whore bar
  • [David] drinks the scotch [Catherine] got him
  • Wine in the café when [Chloe] tells [Catherine] how she gave [David] a handjob
  • Cognac in the café with her husband

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

The movie was made in Toronto and so there were the Canadian Silken Butterflies (Krysta and Tiffany are from Toronto, Meghan is from Edmonton) and a lot of Canadian Indie music as well. The Great Lake Swimmers are Torontonian and the film’s “central group”, Raised By Swans, are Londoners—the one in Ontario.

i call Raised By Swans the “central group” because Chloe gives Michael one of their CD’s, he tries to learn a song of theirs, their song “We Were Never Young” is playing in the whore bar when Catherine and Chloe meet, and “Longer Shadows, Shorter Days” is what Michael’s listening to when his mom comes home.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Raised By Swans – We Were Never Young

It’s not rock & roll, but it’s not bad for what it is.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Anne Fontaine (motion picture Nathalie)

Erin Cressida Wilson (screenplay)

Directed by: Atom Egoyan

Starring

Julianne Moore – Catherine Stewart

Amanda Seyfried – Chloe

Nina Dobrev – Anna

Meghan Heffern – Miranda

Tiffany Lyndall-Knight – Trina

Liam Neeson – David Stewart

Bottom Line

Don’t see it. Wait for the DVD and watch it in the privacy of your own home with a twelve-pack and a fresh bottle of lotion.

Bonus Rounds

Amanda Seyfried

Julianne Moore

Julianne Moore In The Bar None

Nina Dobrev

Meghan Heffern

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of JENNIFER’S BODY

Jennifer's Body Rocks Hard

Jennifer's Body Rocks Hard

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the Juice-box and the soundtrack: Screeching Weasel – I Can See Clearly Now

[Press ‘Play’ to get your Rock off.]

Ramblings: Holding Something Against Jennifer’s Body

Final Proof:3 Shots

3 shots

You know how when you meet some really cool girl and you get along really well and you’ve known her for a couple years and you don’t see her all that often but every time you do you remember what a blast you have with her. And then you find out she’s got a big sister, who’s really hot because your friend shows you a picture and your friend says she’s gonna introduce you to the sister. So it’s all good and you get pumped about the meeting but then when you’re at the Bar None and you meet the older sister, you find out she’s nowhere near as cool as the younger sister and you’re disappointed because you thought there’d be some family resemblance not in looks but in the way they act but there just isn’t, to the point it’s harder to get drunk than usually because you’re not having the fun you thought you would.

It’s kinda like that with Juno and Jennifer’s Body. Diablo Cody, the chick who stripped for a year before she decided to write Juno, has presented us with this, her latest. But Jennifer leaves an aftertaste that Juno didn’t.

Here’s what i like about Jennifer’s Body. The film was written by a woman (Diablo Cody), directed by a woman (Karyn Kusama) and stars two women. i like that it’s a strong feminine movie, where the male and female roles are reversed for what Miss D and i have baptized a ‘Switch Flick’. Megan Fox (while maybe, at 23, a little old to play a highschool cheerleader) does a solid job as Jennifer and Amanda Seyfried makes the most of her portrayal as Jennifer’s best friend; while, even more interestingly, the male parts of Jennifer’s Body are tiny and insignificant. The chesty victims of traditional horror films are replaced by flat little boys and here the boy’s meatier parts are held by women.

The downside of the movie is that, as a satire of teenager slasher films, there is some humor but the basic framework is exactly the same as the movies it mocks. The director and writer should have taken the originality of their treatment of the characters and spread it into the story, the directing, the plot and all the rest of that stuff. As it is, Jennifer doesn’t go as far as her little sister Juno.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shots

Ok, despite some of the obvious flaws i mentioned above, Jennifer’s Body is sulfurous. Which makes sense, because Jennifer’s body is Megan Fox’s. Here are some shots of The Fox to get you through the rest of your day.

Megan Fox

Megan Fox

As A Cheerleader!

As A Cheerleader!

With Pasties!

With Pasties!

Amanda Seyfried is no slouch either:

Amanda Seyfried -  Vanity Fair Pinup

Amanda Seyfried

Amanda Seyfried

Amanda Seyfried GQ Magazine

While i’m at it, here are a couple shots of Diablo Cody:

Whip Cream Bra

Whip Cream Bra

Sucking Oscar's Head

Sucking Oscar's Head

And there’s more!

While i and every other hetero male the world over are bemoaning the total absence of any full frontal nudity, a couple scenes made up for this lack. To be honest, there’s no way in hell they made up for this lack in any kind of way but i’m trying to be nice.

Thingy 1) Toward the beginning, Jennifer grabs Needy’s (Amanda Seyfried) boobs over her shirt.

Here’s a pic of Megan Fox grabbing her own boobs over her shirt:

Who's next?

Who's next?

Thingy 2) Toward the end, Jennifer and Needy swap super sizzling spittle, with tongue.

A Smoke

Drink: ½ shot

References to underage drinking in a bar called Melody Lane. It’s hard to fall for the whole ‘underage’ drinking thing with Megan Fox looking like she does. In the bar, she orders two drinks called 9/11, which come in twin soda glasses with layered red, white and blue liqueurs.

Later, in a state of shock, a gay boy band dude force feeds The Fox a whiskey on the rocks.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

Not enough here, but the little rock they have is good. Check out the song at the top of the page if you don’t believe me.

Here’s the Soundtrack:

  1. Kiss With a Fist – Florence and The Machine
  2. New Perspective – Panic! At The Disco
  3. Teenagers – Hayley Williams
  4. New In Town – Little Boots
  5. Finishing School – Dashboard Confessional
  6. Through The Trees – Low Shoulder
  7. Time – Cute Is What We Aim For
  8. I Can See Clearly – Screeching Weasel
  9. Chew Me Up – Cobra Starship
  10. Toxic Valentine – All Time Low
  11. I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend – Black Kids
  12. Death – White Lies
  13. Celestial Crown – The Sword
  14. Little Lover’s So Polite – Silversun Pickups
  15. Ready For The Floor – Lissy Trullie

If you want another cool song, here’s Florence and the Machine – Kiss With A Fist

[Press ‘Play’ or Die]

The Rock ‘n’ Roll attitude of the film was there, but as i said up there somewhere, the action was a little cliché so it’s hard to get worked up about how hard the movie isn’t.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Diablo Cody

Directed by: Karyn Kusama

Starring

Megan Fox – Jennifer

Amanda Seyfried – Anita ‘Needy’ Lesnicky

Bottom Line

Yeah, see it. But at a matinee or something when you don’t have to play full price.