[AllKHallism: i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child’s film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. While Maleficant was PG, The Bar None: High and Dry is definitely NC-18. If you keep reading beyond this point, you only have yourself to blame, perv.]
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lana Del Ray – Once Upon a Dream
[Press ‘Play’ for sleepy beauty]
As i’m posting this review a day before its US release, i’m posting a screen shot i snapped as proof i actually did see this.
Final Proof: 4½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a blonde? She sits down at your table and you know exactly what tricks she’s got up her sleeves so you settle in with a smirk on your face and sip your drink while you wait for her to get ridiculous and puke in her purse. But right from the beginning she seems normal and even a little cool, so you sit up and take notice and start getting into the conversation with her while she casts her spell on you. The amazing thing is she doesn’t get drunker and sloppier and stupider but gets more interesting and more sincere and by the end of the binge you’re praying she can pull off her exit without letting you down, breaking your heart and cursing your luck. Fortunately, she takes her leave with subtle magic and you’re so impressed with your evening you stand up and applaud as she walks away. Angelina Jolie is not that blonde, but Maleficant sure is.
The best movie i’ve seen so far this year. i don’t worship at the cult of Angelina Jolie, i’m Disney neutral – neither loving nor hating everything they do on principal because i have none – i’m older than 9 (though i don’t usually act like it), and i thought this movie killed. One of the things i liked best about it was that it gets better as it goes on. Every other movie i’ve seen in recent memory starts off interesting and then keeps fading until it’s basically trying to end with as much dignity as it can muster before ending up in a walk of shame. Not Maleficent and not by a long shot.
i’m just glad i got to see Maleficent before the US release because i know you guys and you’re going to find new and usual ways to hate on this film. Fortunately, i saw it before the haters got their eyes on it so i get these few days where i can enjoy the movie with a buzz as pure and innocent as Sleeping Beauty on lite beer.
Looking back on this movie, there are no real missteps (which is official movie review talk for ‘fuck-ups’) and, to be totally honest, the first ¾s of the film were above average but still average adjacent. What pushed this film over the top for me was how it took the traditional bullshit Disney concept of “True Love” being akin to date rape and turned it on its ass.
Who should see this? Parents and their kids. i couldn’t scare up any children to take to this but one of the things that impressed me was how the stereotypes were challenged, so little kids might have trouble seeing the shades of grey that lay beneath the vibrant colors. Kids older than 10 or whatever, should get this though. Especially if they’re your kids because you’re clearly in the top 10% of smart people, seeing as how you’re reading this blog and all. Also those people who have a little kid living inside them, kicking and screaming and laughing and crying and farting and feeling everything just a touch too deeply.
Who shouldn’t see this film? Jaded mother fuckers looking to get their rocks off. Tired souls who aren’t looking to feel but to be felt. Soulless zombies who’ve forgotten how to live. But if that’s you, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be trashing me on reddit.
Before we go any further, i have to card two of the actresses. As they’re under 18, i won’t post any pictures of them in the sexy section of this post and i won’t post any sexy candids of them. i’ll include only photos the actresses posed for on purpose.
First up is Elle Fanning (16) who will be beautiful when she’s 18 or over. She was perfect for the role of Aurora / Sleeping Beauty because she’s talented enough to act well but young enough to channel the innocence she’s got running in her veins and bring it to the surface. There was a genuine purity to her performance that it reached down from the screen and touched me.
Also just in under the wire is Ella Purnell, who played Teen Maleficent, a role she’s perfectly qualified to play, being that she’s 17 and all.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Angelina Jolie was hot in a Skeletor way and that’s not even a joke. She did a good job acting as well, but her job was a lot easier than Aurora (Elle Fanning) because basically Maleficent is just a bitch through most of the movie and delivers all her lines in this smoldering bitchy way which seems to come pretty easy to Angelina.
Still, this was a good movie and she was the star so i gotta give credit where it’s due, especially when remembering she can look like this, or at least she did once upon a time.
There are a lot more single shots of her stuffed in my drawers at the far bottom of this post.
Also appearing in Maleficent is the ultra hot Juno Temple. “Juno Temple?” “No, but i’d like to.” She plays a CGI fairy and she even looks cute when she’s a computer copy of herself, and if this isn’t the next porn thing, well, then something else probably will be.
Gobs more shots of her looking far sexier in the drawers. Scroll all the way down.
For the Silken Butterflies in Maleficent, we have two beautiful women who were on screen only long enough to make us wish they were on a lot more.
Starting off is the lovely Hannah New and i bet she did when she decided to look gorgeous. She plays the Princess Leila and while she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time, her charm fills the screen while she’s there.
Following that up is the lovely Marama Corlett, who played a servant but did it while looking this good.
As for the sex in Maleficent, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t any because there was, if you count two kisses as ‘sex’.
None. Not even, any magic potions. Keep moving, nothing to read here.
Rock & Roll: 3 shots
The only real music was the Lana Del Ray and, let’s be honest, i think Lana Del Ray is the coolest thing since whatever the fuck this is
but she’s not rock and roll. The incidental music wasn’t rock and roll either, but the special effects were pretty rock and roll. There were a couple action scenes even if this isn’t an action movie and the cinematography (fancy film-speak for ‘the purdy pictures’) was purdy. i’ll go 3 shots on that shit.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by Linda Woolverton
Based on the story “La Belle au bois dormant” by Charles Perrault
Directed by: Robert Stromberg
Elle Fanning – Aurora
Angelina Jolie – Maleficent
Juno Temple – Thistletwit
Hannah New – Princess Leila
Ella Purnell – Teen Maleficent
Marama Corlett – Servant
If you’re cool enough to have made it this far, you should definitely see this movie.
Basically everything from here on out is especially NC-18 and NSFW. Good luck.