Booze Revooze: LES MISERABLES

Les Miserables poster bar none booze revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eddie Redmayne, Daniel Huttlestone & Students – Drink with Me

[Press ‘Play’ for “Let the wine of friendship never run dry…”]

Ramblings: Less Miserable

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shotsYou know how you get drunk in a French karaoke bar? Everyone is singing in English but something’s still not quite right and you don’t know if it’s you because of how fucked up you are or because of how fucked up everyone else is in the spotlight singing strange songs strangely, songs you’ve never heard of or heard before and you start to wonder if you haven’t stumbled into French gay hell. Even weirder are all the people in the bar who are really getting into it and you don’t know how you missed the ass they’re riding in on but you’re sure as hell not getting off at the same place they are. Still, it’s fun to watch everyone from a distance because they’re cute or drunk or funny but never all 3 together unfortunately. So you were kind of dreading going but it was distracting and more than once entertaining even if that was only from laughing at the show and the whack-jobs watching it. That’s kinda what Les Misérables was like.

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The Villlager People

It’s not the film’s fault but i forgot this was a musical even if it technically isn’t but is an opera instead. Yes, this is far worse. Not just bad. Opera bad.

One of the many things i have never understood is the concept of Musicals. i’m especially curious to know what the first ever musical was. i want to know this so i can go back in time and kill the fucker who wrote it and thus perhaps save the universe from the monumental pain the opera fat ass that is Opera.

People walk around spontaneously combusting into song at the drop of a top hat? What kind of sick ass word is that? Tell you what, i see some some beach dancing in the streets, i’mma run his skippy ass down. If god wanted us to sing everything that crossed our minds, he would of made me deaf. Not just deaf. Opera deaf.

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Jacques in a Box

So, what was good about this other than its ending? It was funny watching Russel Crowe sing, but no so much fun hearing it. Maybe my favorite part of the film was the French history in it, and that should tell you how much i didn’t like the singing. Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were cool and their songs sucked less than everyone else’s. That’s about it.

My absolute favorite part? Other than the special movie theater i went to that had first class airplane electronic recliner chairs with a tray and waiters that delivered to your seat (i shit you totally not), my favorite part was the 15 year old i was with telling me she liked it. i was so relieved that this automatically went to 3 shots for me. Plus, she may read this one day and i told her i liked it so i don’t want to be a liar.

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My barber also does my tassles.

Speaking of underage…Isabelle Allen is only 10 so i’m going to card her cute little ID right here so that she doesn’t get mixed up with all the vulgarity to follow. She played Young Cosette but there was nothing amateur about her performance. If the crazy skilz she displayed here are any indication, her future will be as winning as her smile. And not just winning. Opera winning.

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Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:1 Shot

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Anne Hathaway is so dirty

1 shotFirst off Anne Hathaway is beautiful and she’s in this movie and she worked hard for the Oscar nom nom. She went so far as to flash her brillo patch to raise up awarenesses under the Motion Picture Board and i know she keeps saying she feels terribly embarrassed about it but there’s no way a woman who was already smeared by the paps when she wore a see-through top [and if you’ve forgotten the glory of that precious moment, here’s a Bar None Wallpaper to jog more than your memory] would forget to wear her underwear unless she was hoping for some big publicity or at least a gentle press.

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Anyway, Hathaway did a good job playing Fantine in the movie and wants everyone to know it. Hell, don’t hide your light under a bushel, Anne. Like i won’t hide this.

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Anne Hathaway Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be some single shots of her lurking in my drawers down below. Just scroll to the bottom and click on the “Continue reading” link.

Amanda Seyfried (Cosette) showed up in this movie too which is nice because it gives me an excuse to show you this.

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Amanda Seyfried Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some single shots of her as well, in my drawers down there.

Plus i really liked the final female lead Samantha Barks / Éponine because she is more normal beautiful than the famous beauties and i’m a fan of normal beauty. Here’s an example.

Samantha Barks Bar None 2013-01-13 Wallpaper Booze Revooze

Samantha Barks Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i’ll have some more single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll down to see if Barks is worse than her bite.

Finally, Helena Bonham Carter, Her Lady of Ultimate Coolness did a great job in this movie as Madame Thénardier (to Sacha Baron Cohen’s Thénardier). i’ve already exposéd her a couple of times here and clicking on the cleavage will take you to that stack of photos.

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Silken Butterflies

The supremely talented Frances Ruffelle played “Whore 1”.

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Not to be outdone, Charlotte Spencer plays “Whore 3”. Lots of whoring going on in this movie with lots of not nudity. Seems the writers didn’t really grasp the whole concept of whores.

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For those of you more into Tenor 11 inches, there was Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier.

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Sacha Baron Cohen in the Bar None

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Sacha Baron Cohen Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Aaron Tveit as Enjolras.

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And Eddie Redmayne as Marius.

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A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

1 shot

Could’ve been worse. Not that there was tons of drinking but i liked what there was, which was basically Sacha Baron Cohen and his inn and people getting drunk inn there.

Here’s the blow by blow:

  • Gave Valjean wine & bread at the church he stole from
  • Sacha Cohen wakes up with a keg, kisses it and tells it, “I love you.”
  • “Don’t let the wine go to your brain” lyric [from “Red and Black”]
  • A song called “Drink with Me” [included in the intro]

Les Miserables drink 01 bar none booze revooze Helena-Bonham Carter

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 shots

Seriously, did you know most of the songs here don’t even rhyme? How fucked up is that? Just because you use a stupid singing voice when you say shit doesn’t mean you’re singing.

Check this out and read the lyrics…

Before you say another word, Javert
Before you chain me up like a slave again
Listen to me! There is something I must do.
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.
There is none but me who can intercede,
In Mercy’s name, three days are all I need.
Then I’ll return, I pledge my word.

Do you believe that bullshit? Or, as i write in my latest song:

Do you believe that bullshit.
It’s so stupid.

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All Washed Up

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Victor Hugo (novel)
Claude-Michel Schönberg & Alain Boublil (book)
Herbert Kretzmer (lyrics)
Alain Boublil & Jean-Marc Natel (original: French text)
James Fenton (additional text)
William Nicholson (screenplay)

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Starring

Anne Hathaway – Fantine
Amanda Seyfried – Cosette
Helena Bonham Carter – Madame Thénardier
Samantha Barks – Éponine
Isabelle Allen – Young Cosette
Frances Ruffelle – Whore 1
Charlotte Spencer – Whore 3
Hugh Jackman – Jean Valjean
Russell Crowe – Javert
Sacha Baron Cohen – Thénardier
Eddie Redmayne – Marius
Aaron Tveit – Enjolras

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“Yes! I love this fence, too!”

Bottom Line

Apart from the singing parts, though, Les Misérables was OK. Take out the songs and you got yourself a so-so movie here.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

I’s all over but the hotness. Keep going for the hot shots.

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Booze Revooze: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Hans Zimmer – Underground Army (The Dark Knight Rises OST)

[Press ‘Play’ for the best part of the movie]

Dark Knight Rises 02 still movie review Christian Bale

Ramblings: Knight Mare

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk on TV? It’s not the same as a movie drunk because a movie drunk is serious and what happens happens for real and stays happened and the blood flows redder and the people die deader and there are consequences and repercussions and when you laugh you laugh louder and the whiskey tastes gritty and when you survive the night you have stories to tell the children you made that night because it was a movie night. Getting TV drunk, though, doesn’t mean as much and it’s basically a lite beer buzz and lots of peeing and standing up when you want to sit and looking for conversation and the only stories you’ll tell of that night are how you went to bed early and it was nice because when you woke up you didn’t have a hangover. The Dark Knight Rises was that made-for-TV, tonight’s extra special episode of “Batman” movie.

Dark Knight Rises 023 still movie review Christian Bale

The problem with The Dark Knight Rises was The Dark Knight. The Dark Knight Rises is a passable action movie while The Dark Knight was the shit, the whole shit and nothing but the shit. i know this because i feel like reviewing The Dark Knight, like that first scene when the glass shards explode from the window with a dull thud and how from the moment they showed the profile of the man on the street corner holding a tattered clown’s mask you knew the movie was going to grab you by the pubes, rip them out and then make you floss your own teeth with them. The Dark Knight was like three fucking movies in one and The Dark Knight Rises wasn’t even half a movie. All’s i’m saying is a good movie doesn’t make you want to go back and talk about how good the previous one was.

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“I’ma knit you some pink booties to keep your feet warm.”

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“Who you callin’ ‘underdeveloped’, asshole?”

Sure, most people are going to bring up Heath Ledger and you know what? They’re right because most people are pretty fucking intelligent and Heath Ledger’s Joker took that movie to the next level. Which isn’t to say we don’t have kinda the same thing going on here. Anne Hathaway takes a pretty under-developed character (bet that’s the first time you’ve ever seen “Anne Hathaway” and “under-developed” in the same sentence) and rounds her out and fills her up and fills out the cat suit the whole time, too. The problem is, she has less to work with when you see how stereotypical her character is. Catwoman hasn’t evolved from Julie Newmar’s TV baddie and hasn’t recovered from whatever the fuck Halle Berry did to her.

So, what were the problems here? Too much fucking reading me the story. i felt like a little kid being told a fairy tale at bed time and it almost put me to sleep. The bad guy was Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs, the action was sparse and uninspired, the script was long with too many words everyone was working to get through to bring us the good parts which didn’t last that long or impress that much. It’s like spending all night chatting to some girl about her grandma so you can get in her pants later and when she finally lets you, you feel like your time would’ve been better spent arranging your online music files.

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“Hey, it’s outta my hands.”

Speaking of music and this is where i’m going to wrap this up, don’t worry, the music was the best thing about the film. More intense than the action, darker than the costumes, Hans Zimmer held up his end of the bargain when the only end Nolan was holding was his own.

You know me, i’m always being to generous with shit and so this time i’ve decided to draw a line. i coulda rounded this up to 3 shots but when you think about all the time and money and talent that Nolan had to work with and this is the best he could come out with…well, i’m standing by decision to round this one down.

Dark Knight Rises 07 still movie review Christian Bale Tom Hardy

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

One little itty bitty shot. Anne Hathaway looked hot as hell but she didn’t need her tight cat suit to go there, she looks hot as hell just waking up in the morning eating muesli to stay regular. Here’s what i mean.

Anne Hathaway 2012-07-25 Collage

Anne Hathaway Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You know how sexed up this movie was? She kissed the Batman. Twice. Fuckin’ PG-13. Anyway, i got an extra special collage of her your’re gonna wanna check out in the drawers down at the bottom of this post.

Speaking of “cheated”, TDKR had Marion Cotillard and she didn’t even bother to try and look sexy. Here’s like the hottest still you’ll be able to find of her from the movie.

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Sure, it’s not bad. Hell, it’s Marion Cotillard for chrissakes, it’ll never be ‘bad’ but it’s nowhere near as smoking as this.

Marion Cotillard 2012-07-25 Collage

Marion Cotillard Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She kissed Bruce Wayne once. Woot. Still fucking American fucking PG-13. Scroll down to my drawers for some hard ‘R’.

It’s late and i wanna post this tonight so i’m gonna promise you to post shots later of Christian Bale for the women folk and Juno Temple for the Silken Butterflies but you and i both know that’s never going to happen, right?

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Nobody drank nothing for the entire movie.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

The rock shots are here for a reason and that reason is Hans Zimmer as i already talked about up there. The action in the movie was a real let down, but at least Zimmer’s cool music helped make it sound a little cooler. i’m listening to the OST right now and it’s damn good. Good enough to look for a good copy online and risk the illegal download, if you ask me.

Hans Zimmer – Rise (The Dark Knight Rises OST)

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Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan (screenplay)
Christopher Nolan, David S. Goyer (story)

Directed by: Christopher Nolan

Dark Knight Rises 10 still movie review Anne Hathaway

Starring

Anne Hathaway – Selina
Marion Cotillard – Miranda
Christian Bale – Bruce Wayne
Tom Hardy – Bane

Bottom Line

Rewatch The Dark Knight instead. Or, even better, do like me and read The Rod’s Review.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more words, just pictures of the actresses under the “Click to read more…”

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Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of ALICE IN WONDERLAND

[AllKHallism: Don’t mean to get all responsible on you, i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child’s film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. Alice In Wonderland: PG. The Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker: NC-18. If you follow the link down the rabbit hole, you have only yourself to blame, sicko.]

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