[AlKHallism: From the juiced-box and a personal message for April: Elton John / Blue - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word]
Dear Ms Stern,
Wayne Buchanan, my good friend and brother from another mother fucker told me that you had contacted him to express your displeasure over an article that appeared on this website in July 2010.
What Wayne Told Me About
To begin with, i, Al K Hall, (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, am the author of the article. Wayne and Rodney, two regulars here in the Bar None, had nothing to do with that particular piece. Wayne is mentioned in that post because he led me to the pictures of kids “drunk on chocolate”. Rodney is mentioned in the post because he told me about the first article one the page: the Aussie who got drunk and petted the crocodile. Neither of them knew about your story or even read about your story until after i published it. So, please take your justifiable anger out on me and me alone.
Before i get on with the apologizing, i would like to mention for the record that i did not make up any details of the story i commented on. All of the information i used i got from a site that publishes articles about unusual arrests around the United States. In my past, when i was much more bored than i am now, i would scour the website looking for fodder for my Dregs posts.
Looking back on my article about you, i see clearly that i crossed a line. You are not the first person to contact me concerning my writing about them (Talitha Gorea did in the comments section of this post and my Booze Talkin’ Interviews started after an actress, Gabrielle Chapin, contacted me to complain about my comments concerning her movie Final Destination 4) but, rereading what i wrote about you was the first time i felt uncomfortable about something i’d written.
i try to walk a fine line between humor and respect in my articles and i clearly could not walk that line straight when i wrote what i did about your situation. i sincerely apologize for any embarrassment you may have suffered because of my words and look forward to making it up to you if you would care to explain how i might do that, either here in the comments section or in response to the private message i sent you. i would also love to tell my readers your side of the story if you would do me the honor of entrusting me with it. Please let me know.
Some Drunk Mothers - Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
A bouncee stroking his croc? Drunk Floridian MILFs? Toddlers drunk on chocolates? Hot drunk chicks who you do NOT wanna be around. A Lohan plug, dumb & dumber, why Florida is hot… Yeah, i got yer dregs right here, buddy.
This song from the juiced-box has precious little to do with this weeks dregs, but is a kick-ass song… Scala and Kolacny Brothers – Creep (Radiohead cover)
[Press 'Play' for something tenuously connected to drinking: alcohol does make me feel like a Creep the day after.]
This is the one time “petting the croc” is not a euphemism for masturbation. A 36-year-old Australian drifter got tossed out of a Broome pub (like a Broome closet only bigger) and, while drifting around saw a crocodile he wanted to pet. So he climbed the fence to the crocodile zoo and sat down on the back of a 15-foot, 800 pound croc named “Fatso”. Fatso, being a crocodile, chomped the guy in the leg but, strangely enough, let the guy go. i’m thinking the croc could taste the beer in the dude’s blood but preferred Chablis with white meat.
[AlKHallism: Cheers to my brother Rodney over at Fernby Films. A Facebook friend and regular here at the Bar None, he's the one who brought this bit of tid to my attention.]
Speaking of stupid… Speaking of stupid… i should say everything in this part twice. i should say everything in this part twice except not even i am that annoying. Not as annoying, anyway as the two Cumbie bothers, Andrew (28) and Joseph (20) who did everything twice as well. Like at 1 a.m. they decided to go to a Chevron gas station and steal an 18-pack of beer while holding the attendant at bay with a hunting knife. Then, just because they’re double stupid, they decided to do the exact same thing again at 6:45 a.m. Pro’lly part of the reason they got busted was they could only drink 9 beers each in 6 hours, and that right there’s a crime. They were charged with 2 counts of robbery, 2 counts of aggravated assault, 2 counts of burglary and only 1 count of conspiracy, but i’m on the case to get that boosted up to 2 too to satisfy my compulsive need for balance.
Now we begin the hottie portion of our show. Chandra Reed, a 23-year-old babe from Arizona, got her drink on and her clothes off. My question is, was the nudity before, after or during the moment she attacked her boyfriend’s car with a dog collar? Then again, i’m not sure it matters because my mental image of that is already set in stone. The thing we know for sure is that when the cops came to bust her for going off on the car, she greeted them naked and holding a beer. Then she went off on them. Nope, no shots of that either. Alls i got on Chandra is before and after pics. The “before” pic is off to the side and is from her Myspace page. Here’s the after shot.
You are now entering the hot in Florida part of the post. There’s not much new here other than Jamie Baldiga, the 21-year-old reason Florida is always so hot, who got pulled over the other day and was busted for DUI. Once in the back of the police cruiser, she hurled expletives at the officer, slipped her cuffs, punched the officer’s seat, kicked the patrol car’s windows, pounded on the doors and the roof, before kicking the cop in the chest, twice, while he recuffed her. This is her third arrest in the past year.
Yes, i would like to party with Jamie but i’d hafta wimp out early before things got outta hand. Yes, i am gonna go out on the limb and risk posting pics of her here in the Bar None. Here’s what she looks like when not on the whup ass.
Florida, man. i’m tellin’ you, we should all move to Florida.
i’ve been called a drunk mother more times than you’ve been called late to breakfast but, regarding me, it’s never been literally true. Not as true as it is, anyway, of Candice Johansen.
Cops saw this 5-year-old wandering the streets in his underwear after midnight. “Where’s your mom?” the cops asked.
“Smoking a cigarette somewhere.”
The cops went back to the kid’s apartment and found a 3-year-old sleeping there, but no Mom. They’d been looking around the complex for an hour when, at 2:30 a.m., Candice finally turned up drunk.
“Where’ve you been?” the cops asked her.
“Right here, out front of my apartment.”
“No. We’ve been looking around here for an hour.”
“Oh. Uh, my boyfriend is supposed to be watching them.”
“No. He just got out of a cab after leaving a bar and says he wasn’t supposed to be watching your kids.”
“Oh. Uh, the babysitter was supposed to be watching them.”
“No. There’s no babysitter anywhere in this freaking area.”
“Oh. AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! COME HERE SO I CAN KICK YOU IN THE BALLS! TWICE!”
i really like how she's looking less and less bummed over time.
On the same freaking day as Candice, a naked 3-year-old was playing with a steak knife in front of his place. Neighbors called the police, who arrived to find the tot had taken off his own dirty diaper and left it near a pile of empty beer bottles.
The kid led the officers to a pig sty with the door partially opened. Apparently those mothers in Florida like to clean about as much as they enjoying taking care of their litter. Somewhere at the bottom of the mess, cops found another kid (3 months old) asleep in a playpen, and the above brunette, 23-year-old April Stern, also asleep. Seems she was sleeping off the previous night’s binge. i’m guessing the trip to jail for child endangerment didn’t do much for her hangover.
Yeah, we should all move to Florida but we should definitely stay away from the girls there. There must be something in the water that turns them psycho. Like scotch.
This one comes from Ken / Wayne Buchanan on my Facebook page. Thanks Ken! (If anyone else of y’all wants to be famous like Ken (and Rodney—remember Rodney?), please feel free to send me your stories.)
Tired of drunk moms? How about some drunk babes? As in toddlers. Here’s an ad by the Dentsu advertising agency for L’univers Du Chocolat to promote Whisky Chocolate. (Just the thought makes me throw up a little in my mouth.)
i’ll put the rest of the shots in my drawers. Just scroll down.
Eugene Todie was caught at customs trying to drive back into the U.S. with a fake passport and an ankle monitor. When the customs guy asked about the ankle monitor, Eugene showed his support for my cause by telling the officer a friend had given him the anklet and he was sporting the technology to FREE LINDSAY!!!. Unfortunately, he was lying. In real life he was a Buffalo man who’d been busted for contempt. So much for the FREE LINDSAY!!! defense.
This is a screen shot of my page reads from last Friday, July 16, 2010. Yes, fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.Rs and members of the D-Generation, i, Al K Hall, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson and tender bartender, broke through the 3,000 patronizer barrier! Thank you all, from the bottom of my bottle, for your help. i couldn’ta done it without you. Well, at least not without 3,001 of you.
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