From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Billie Holiday – Pennies From Heaven
[Press 'Play' for a better version than the one in the movie]
Ramblings: The Autist
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a clown? Not the kind that parks his SUV at an angle across two handicapped zones right in front of the bar, but a real honest to goodness clown with the red nose and more than that because god knows in the Bar None we have our fair share of bulbous claret colored proboscises, but also the white face, lipstick, afro wig and big, floppy shoes kind of clown drinking fruity cocktails and squirting people with some gag flower he keeps in his zipper. It’s fun because when was the last time you drank with an authentic clown so you got that whole novelty aspect going for you like the first time you tried trail mix and you couldn’t believe someone mixed candy corn with peanuts and m&ms. Just like that trial test taste of trail mix, the clown idea is funny and good at first even if it gets a little more bland with every mouthful because at first the jokes crack you up and there’s even original gimmicks no clown has ever done before and that keeps you smiling but in the end no matter how much everyone in the bar tells you that you gotta like him, you’re still having drinks with a clown. That’s kinda what seeing The Artist is like.
i had to see this bad boy twice because the first time a woman came down two fucking times to the front row to scold me for eating popcorn in this silent movie, after which i promptly fell asleep. The second time i was able to stay awake for the whole thing so i could give y’all a real review.
The “real review” part is pretty important with this movie, too, because everyone’s gonna be telling you this film is things like a breath of fresh air and analyzing it by saying it’s the perfect movie for these morose and / or moribund (not my words, yo, it’s what real critics are gonna say) times and then they’re gonna toss in an ‘uplifting’ once or twice. You know how i know?
Because already the New York and LA art crowd have a hold of it and are dissecting it like million dollar cocaine on a diamond mirror with a solid gold razor blade sharpened on a rock found atop the tallest peak of the moon. i mean, come on, this is a silent French movie, so poseurs can say they understood a foreign film without subtitles. Even worse, it already won something like the Palme d’or at Cannes, which is a big movie beach in France, even if it wasn’t the main palme d’or it was a best acting one and it’s so fitting because palme d’or is French for “Golden Palm” and that’s what critics get from mutually polishing each other’s knobs.
What i’m getting at is that by the time the movie has trickled down to your level, there’s going to be so much pomp and circumstance shrouding it you won’t know what the hell you’re supposed to think. Think this, The Artist is like crackerjacks: good, well-made, sometimes a little stale, and has some pleasant surprises in the box.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Shots
Ooh, there’s so little anything by way of the sexual ass-pect in here that we cannot call it the “sexual respect” of the movie but the “sexual dis-respect” of the movie. If memory serves as well as the Barmaids here in the Bar None, the closest thing we get to sex in that disrespect is a chaste kiss.
Sure there are pretty girls. There’s a very pretty girl by the name of Bérénice Bejo (35) who plays Peppy Miller, the female lead. Bejo was born in Argentina but grew up in France, which means there’s a little “ooh la la” mixed up in her “cha cha cha”. This is the photo-graphic evidence of all that.
There are some shots of her spicing up my drawers at the very very bottom of this post.
Also mixed up in here is an actress i’m liking more and more the more i found out about her. Her name is Missi Pyle (39) and she did some cool roles before this like the ugly unibrow chick in Dodgeball (Fran Stalinovskovichdavidovitchsky) plus she was Violet Beauregarde’s mom in Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But guess what and you don’t have to because i’ma tell you right away anyway, she’s also a talented singer. She and some other chick (Shawnee Smith) have a country-rock group called Smith and Pyle that’s just fucking incredible. So much so i’m going to slip one of their songs in the rock and roll section below. Speaking of incredible, check out this Pyle driver.
Making an appearance here is an artist in her own right, is Bitsie Tulloch (30) and i know how upset you just got that you went through your whole life til now without the nickname “Bitsie”. Even more unforgettable than her name is her talent because she was so talented i forgot who her character Doris is in the movie. Here’s another possible reason why.
There’s all kinda shots in the drawers all the way down there.
Rounding off the Silken Butterflies is the stunning Nina Siemaszko (41) who took on the difficult role of “Admiring Woman” and acted the shit out of it. Now’s our turn to do some admiring of our own.
For those of you not into the Slap but into the Stick, i got some Frenchie Jean Dujardin action for you.
There’s a “Handsome” collage of him in the drawers for any female brave enough to dig down that deep.
Drink: 2 Shots
2 shots is surprisingly not surprising because if you think about all the old original silent movies that were old and silent there was lots of drinking in them. Here’s a brief run down of my notes.
- [George Valentin] drinks whiskey when the stock market crashes
- Whiskey and a smoke when his wife leaves him
- His career stalls so he pawns an old tux to get cash for a bottle of whiskey
- He begins drinking shots in bars and having hallucinations
- Drinking until blacking out
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Oh come on, like you expected some rock. But you know me (and if you don’t, you can always count that as a blessing), i hate to leave a public empty handed so here’s a load to fill your hands with.
[Press 'Play' to hear some Smith & Pyle"Ass".]
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Michel Hazanavicius
Directed by: Michel Hazanavicius
- Bérénice Bejo – Peppy Miller
- Missi Pyle – Constance
- Bitsie Tulloch – Norma
- Nina Siemaszko – Admiring Woman
- Jean Dujardin – George Valentin
- John Goodman – Al Zimmer
- James Cromwell – Clifton
Definitely worth the watch. Plus it’d be good to drink to, so there’s that.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Hawtness from here on down… Click “Continue Reading” to see the what that smells like.