Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: The Beach Boys – Help Me, Rhonda
[Press 'Play' for what is probably the worst song in the movie but the only one i could find]
Ramblings: His Name is Mud
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with Boy Scouts on a trip? They’re so cute with their little shorts and when they laugh beer comes out of their nose and they wipe it away with their little yellow handkerchiefs and they drink like they do everything else which is earnestly and if you don’t know what that means it means with their heart, it means they do it with unquestioning faith in something other than God, something they haven’t named yet and that’s what they’re searching for with all of their badges and all of their exploring until what they find for the briefest of moments and then lose like their virginity never to get back again is Love because there’s a boy scout minute when all little lads believe in Love more than they believe in booze, boobs and big brothers, more than God, Mom and vacations in summer and Mud captures that instant for one little boychild.
Waiting for a Tidal Wave
i can tell you right now who’s going to like this movie, and that’s guys like me. More specifically, guys who used to be boys like i was. Ridiculously emotional, thin skinned, passionate about everything to the point of blindness where others mistook the fact i was overwhelmed with my own emotions for egoism but really i couldn’t stop feeling enough to make room for anything else.
If you weren’t like that as a kid or if you were never a kid you’ll be able to appreciate Mud as a piece of art but you won’t be able to understand it.
Redneck Yachting
The thing that makes this movie is the actors and not just Matthew McConaughey because he spoke with an accent and not just Reese Witherspoon becasue she’s a hot drunken mess and not just Michael Shannon (who starred in Nichols’ other movie, Take Shelter) because have you seen how fucking cool he is and plus he does a good job acting normal here for once. No, the good actors were also the kids, especially the boys because one of them (Tye Sheridan as Ellis) was a real actor and so he has to be good because it’s his little job but they also had this kid from Arkansas (Jacob Lofland as Neckbone), fresh off the street, and he acted the hell out of his part.
Plus there was Sam Shepard who is an amazing actor and writer and who was probably my first guy crush back when i was a teenager and secure in my heterosexuality with a lifelong crush on Muriel Hemingway that still hasn’t completely gone away. And Michael Shannon rocked his role, and i’m not just saying that because he’s my current guy crush. What i really liked about all the acting going on was that i have been each of these characters at least once in my life and the actors let me identify with all of them.
Johnny Ray done carved himself a whole dock
What about the rest of it?
Jeff Nichols wrote and directed Mud and he did a good job because i was able to sit back and forget i was watching a movie and that’s exactly what a director’s supposed to do. As for the themes, well, there were some and i guess that makes this intellectual or French but the themes weren’t all that complex and there was an ending so it really wasn’t all that French but still it was pretty predictable, like trying a new beer in a frosty mug and the beer is refreshing but in the end all you have left is the same old mug.
But still that was one damn fine glass.
“We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
A couple very pretty girls but because this bad boy was about love and not sex, the girls don’t show anything other than up.
Like i already said, Reese Witherspoon played the female lead in Mud and did a lot with what she had but she didn’t have to do a lot other than look nervous.
Redneck test: Find Reese Witherspoon (Hint: She’s *in front* of the truck)
i got some more shots of her deep in my drawers down below at the bottom of this post.
Also in this movie is Sarah Paulson who i already like because she’s in both seasons of American Horror Story which is the best fucking show on TV bar none (no pun intended) . To make things even better she plays a lesbian in season 2 of that series and to take the cherry off the cake and put it where it belongs [no idea what i mean by that, btw], she’s a lesbian in real life, too.
I bet Sarah and i are fantasizing about the same thing…
She plays Mary Lee, the lead boy’s mother and the worst thing about her performance was that it was so short. And they didn’t let her look like this.
Sarah Paulson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Rounding out the full cast is the wonderful and not at all jail bait Bonnie Sturdivant. She’s 22 and acts her age and better.
There was only one actress whose talent was as permanent as her beauty was lasting and her screen time was fleeting. Barmaids and beerhounds, i give you Kristy Barrington.
For those of you more into mud than dirt, there was Matthew McConaughey. Here he is, deep down in it.
Matthew McConaughey Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i stuck some sexier shots of him in my drawers, at the bottom of this post. Scroll deep down and you’ll find them.
Drink: 1 Shot
Nothing to write home about, much less bore you with here, so let’s make like most of my love and just get it over with.
Father drinks whiskey from a pint bottle flask
RW [Reese Witherspoon] hangs out at a bar drinking Bud Light and flirting with a guy
Empty bottle of fictional whiskey in the dying bonfire at morning
Don’t drink and boat
Rock & Roll: 1 Shot
There were some decent and other not so decent real songs in this movie but i can’t find a trace of them anywhere and i’ve been digging for much longer than i should’ve been because once i get something in my crotch i can’t let go of it until i find it but this time i’m just giving up. And don’t even tell me to look at the OST album because it’s all incidental music and there were some songs with vocals in Mudother than “Help me Rhonda”.
“The necklace will go right here.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Jeff Nichols
Directed by: Jeff Nichols
Bargain hunting in the funiture store
Starring
Reese Witherspoon – Juniper
Sarah Paulson – Mary Lee
Bonnie Sturdivant – May Pearl
Kristy Barrington – Princess
Tye Sheridan – Ellis
Jacob Lofland – Neckbone
Matthew McConaughey – Mud
Sam Shepard – Tom Blankenship
Michael Shannon – Galen
Here’s a killer song to kick off an interview with: Deep Dish – Say Hello
[Press 'Play' to Say Hello to Noa with a song she herself requested]
What’s the biggest blockbuster so far this year? Iron Man 3. And just what is busting Iron Man’s block? What is the spark in his plug? What actress is responsible for his interplanetary success? You may think i’m too far gone but i’m still here to tell you it’s Noa Lindberg, who wore the coveted role of ‘Michele Cusick’ like a hot, tailor made suit.
As if all that weren’t enough, she’s one of the most gracious women i’ve ever had the pleasure of not really knowing and if you ask me how i know this i’ll tell you it’s because she agreed to do an interview right here in the Bar None. Go ahead and don’t believe me like you always do but stay where you are because if you keep on reading you’ll see me put my funny where my mouth is.
There i was, lost at the wrong end of a bad weekend in some backroom outside Havana, and when i say i was lost i mean i was lost in a poker game to some mustachioed señora card shark who wore tablecloths sewn together and sandals made from shoe boxes. i didn’t have enough money to cover my losses so i was about to become some communist’s bottom bitch when Noa Lindberg magically arrived out of the cigar smoke that parted like curtains when she sat down at the table.
Noa told me i looked spayed and it’s true i wanted to die-man, but she had a big heart and fought for me in that club. The house was full, i felt flush and she had a beautiful pair but unfortunately didn’t want to play “hold ‘em”, she just wanted to play her hearts out for me and i was lucky the others were higher than the stakes but even luckier that Noa had great hands that quickly led me out of the hole i’d dug myself into.
She collected me because i felt cashed and i begged her to let me interview her there in the front seat of the 1956 Chevy Bel Air she drove me away in. Gracious as she is talented, she said ‘Yes’.
Al K Hall: “Noa” is such a pretty name…
Noa Lindberg: Thank you very much, Al. Noa is an Israeli name that comes from the Bible.
Our Getaway Vehicle
Al K Hall: Not the guy with the ark?
[Noa has mad driving skills tearing through the back streets of Havana and i know they're the back streets because Havana has no front streets but this doesn't keep her from carrying on the interview.]
Noa: Noa was the youngest of Zelophehad’s 5 daughters, who are known as the first feminists in History. They petitioned Moses for their right, as women, to inherit property.
Al K Hall: And now you own my heart. [Note: She does not throw up at this. i repeat, she does not throw up.] You’ve come a long way, baby. Like Israel, where you were born. Is it as cool as it looks?
Noa candidly
Noa: I have and will always keep a special place for Israel in my heart. It is such a beautiful, charming, diverse, multicultural and – hard to believe but true – peaceful country.
Al K Hall: Oh, i believe it. i’ve been to Detroit.
Noa: You can feel history in every corner of a street. Anyone who has the chance to visit, should not hesitate. Our house was facing the Mediterranean Sea. The waves were the first and last thing I would hear and see in the morning and at night.
Al K Hall: Sounds just like Yeamen. Except for the waves and beach. But i hear and see things all the time here, in the morning and the night. Which you probably did in France after you lived there, right?
Noa: I lived in Paris until I finished my Masters in Law and Business.
Al K Hall: Now i’m starting to see why you’re so good at gambling. But Paris must’ve been cool.
Noa: My favorite part of living there was probably having my Mom with me at all times! I also loved that everything was close-by and that in just a couple of hours I was in London or any other European capital!
Al K Hall: Or Miami? How did you wind up there? What does Miami have that Paris doesn’t?
Noa: The weather! Paris is great for education–to my opinion probably one of the best systems in the world. Europe in general has so much culture. But it was time to move on. I was born in a warm country, in a beach town after all. And Miami did it for me.
Al K Hall: Wow, i wish i was Miami.
[Speaking of the Maimi vibe, this is the song that comes on the radio during our daring Cuban getaway. Fragma - Tocas Miracle, which is Cuban for "The Virgin's face on my taco shell".]
Noa: The U.S. is a country of opportunities. If you have the skills, talent, qualities, focus, a little luck, and of course you are willing to work, you can make it!
Al K Hall: That’s why i had to move to Yeamen. But before i make a fool of myself and beg you to run away with me, or at least not run away from me, any husbands / boyfriends i should know about?
Noa: All I will say is: He is my soul mate and my #1 fan!
Al K Hall: I’ll give you “soul mate”, but as for #1 fan…there’s a long line. He may have to take a number. What about tattoos? Any cool scars?
Noa: No tattoos, but definitely some badass scars! On the left corner of my left eye, my left eyebrow, my left knee, my left ankle… My right side is pretty intact though!
Al K Hall: And your left side isn’t doing so bad, either. When you’re not getting scarred up, what does a girl as talented and beautiful as you do in your downtime?
Noa: First of all thank you for all the compliments, I’m blushing! I’ve learned from past experience that it is important and healthy to take some time off, to clear the mind. I’m never bored, but a typical chill evening would involve my man, a blanket, a glass of wine, popcorn with extra butter and a movie.
Al K Hall: Sounds great! i’ll have to try it sometime. Just let me know the next time your man is free. Or maybe we could play poker for him?
A Hot Track
Noa: You probably don’t want to play me at poker. No, you do not. Or just give me the money now, so at least the one thing you won’t lose is your time, ha ha. I also discovered a new hobby. I’m totally into Go-Kart now and I’m really competitive.
Al K Hall: So if i’m in Florida for a day, where would be a good place for me to ‘track’ you down? [Oh please, like you expect better from me.]
Noa: After a casting, I usually go to Dunkin’ Donuts, order my latte and toasted croissant with cream cheese, and sit down at my usual table by the window. If that table isn’t available, which happened only once so far, I’m totally lost!
Al K Hall: Next time just give me a call–i’ve got some smells that will clear anyone away. Other than Dunkin’ Donuts, what are you favorite vices?
Noa: Big Mac with extra Big Mac sauce and a Cuban Colada! I’m always loaded on Colada on set.
[AlKHallism: 'Colda' is not booze! True Story. It's the Cuban version of espresso and is what's fueling my rescuer as she careens out of the city.]
Cuban Colada
Al K Hall: Babe! Tell me something i don’t know?
Noa: I am pretty much addicted to South Park and can totally recite close to complete episodes of the show. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are completely twisted, pure genius.
Al K Hall: Was it Cartman who made you decide to try your hand, and all the rest of you, at acting?
Noa: When I was a kid, the energy at home was pretty heavy, so I started to watch comedian stand-up shows. After a couple of times, I would already remember the text. I gave a try at performing it to my family and it would make them laugh a lot. They seemed to forget about all the rest, the issues or tensions around. They looked happy and that would make me happy. So I kept on. I noticed that performing and acting would entertain the people around me and I loved the feeling of being a partial reason for their moment of happiness.
Al K Hall: i bet you spread happiness like bacon flavored peanut butter wherever you go, Noa. You have the gift.
Noa: I’ve always been very creative and willing to express it. There are so many decisions you can make when you get a script. You are the creator of the character. Every word, every look, every gesture has a purpose. Acting is lots of work. It’s Art, and it’s an Art I love!
Al K Hall: Speaking of art, your first role was in aFrench film called Vidocq, as a Virgin sold off by her parents. Was this typecasting?
Good Vibes
Noa: Well, I was about 16 years old back then! I was indeed a virgin.
Al K Hall: Wait, what’s the opposite of TMI? NMI? Need More Information.
Noa: Hey, I was a good girl! I mean I am a good girl. Anyway, my mom would have never sold me.
Al K Hall: You were probably out of my price range anyway.
Noa: Actually, during the shoot, Pitof, the director, said that I should be particularly expensive and kept adding coins for the transaction scene. It sounds completely psycho, but wasn’t there a girl who sold her virginity for a million bucks on eBay or something?
Al K Hall: Careful, that’s my future wife you’re talking about–if the check clears. You also starred in the full length film Equal Strength. How did that come about?
Noa:Equal Strength was a fabulous experience. It was indeed the very first feature film I had the lead role in. I remember I almost didn’t go to the casting because I didn’t have an up-to-date résumé and headshot back then. I followed my guts, and I went and did a cold read as the sides were given directly at the audition. After my performance, I apologized for not having my headshot and résumé, but Ika Santamaria, the director of the film, said, “Don’t worry, I’ll remember you.”
Al K Hall: To be fair to the rest of the world, i bet you hear that a lot. But you killed the audition, basically.
Noa: I felt confident and left. I was requested to the callback, and was booked as Eva Williams! It was a very special project called “Movie Painting”, as the film was created with brainstorming and written along the shooting. When we started, we did not necessarily know where the story was going, which made it even a bigger challenge.
Al K Hall: Sounds like my sex life.
Noa: I love the result.
[Speaking of my sex life, here's a song called 'Silence' by Delerium (featuring Sarah McLachlan) that comes out of the mono speaker on the Chevy's dash as we hideout next to a dumpster behind a tequilera. Strangely enough, it also happens to be a song Noa digs.]
Al K Hall: Wait–what?
Noa: The team became family. And Brent Battles, who plays my uncle in the movie, became one of my closest friends.
Al K Hall: Oh, right, the movie. How was the film received?
Noa: Equal Strength won a few awards in the US at the Women’s International Film Festival and the Palm Beach LDub Film Festival. The movie is currently in re-editing in order to be submitted to Cannes Film Festival.
Al K Hall: Speaking of “Cannes-Do”, you have the role of “Michele Cusick” in Iron Man 3. How did you get the part?
What Noa was wearing when she saved my ass
Noa: To avoid crowds and fans requiring more security and possibly slowing down the shooting, the biggest projects usually have a nickname title. So when I was cast for Iron Man 3, I had no idea that’s where I was sent because it was called “Caged”.
Al K Hall: Like they used the title “Get Al Laid” for Mission Impossible?
Noa: Even agents are sometimes not entitled to reveal the information. But actors can have days so overbooked with castings and shootings, they cannot make it to them all and have make decisions and selections. So, I was hesitating about that one, but my agent insisted and ended up telling me privately, “You have to go, it’s for Iron Man 3!”
Al K Hall: And like one of Zelophehad’s daughters with property, you owned it. Who is Michele in the film?
Noa: Michele Cusick is an attendee of the Millenium New Years Eve party and Science Conference in Bern, Switzerland. Michele is flirting with Happy Hogan–aka Jon Favreau–while having a drink with her boyfriend who she ends up trading by midnight for an older (really older) wealthy man.
Al K Hall: Wait, that’s a thing? ‘Cause i’m a ‘really older’ man. Not wealthy, but what i lack in ‘wealthy’ i make up for in ‘really older’. Was it a fun shoot? More fun than this interview?
Noa: My most enjoyable moment was actually when a sweet lady, one of the extra talents that worked on the set, came to me and said: “I’m sorry, I don’t want to bother, aren’t you the main actress in… that movie… Equal Strength!?” I simply hugged her and smiled, it made me very proud to do what I do! Overall, fabulous experience.
Bar None artist’s hallucination of that moment
Al K Hall: That must have been so cool. Imagine someone who knows your name and they’re not even carrying a warrant! But wait, your scene was a party scene? You must’ve got buttloads of free booze!
Noa: Free booze? Well, as it was a party scene, champagne was ginger ale, white wine was apple juice and red wine was flat coke and water. The second day, I almost thought of bringing booze to make my own “fake but not so really” drink, but I forgot to take it in the morning, as I had only slept 4 hours in between the shoots.
Al K Hall: “Fake but not so really”, awesome! Like “kind of a virgin” cocktail. What did you “kind of” steal from the shoot?
Noa: All the pins they had to stick in my hair!
Al K Hall: And, barring any arrests for that, have you got any upcoming projects?
Noa: I am currently working on writing 3 screenplays, 2 feature films, and 1 TV show pilot (and full season if the project works out). I am finishing a drama, starting a comedy, and wrapping up the show project. I am also planning on writing, directing and performing a dramatic short film and a series of shorts. Yes, that is a lot of writing!
Al K Hall: Cool. i hope you’ll give us a shout here when that stuff starts coming out. You know what i mean. If a real professional (and not just “an interviewer but not so really”) person is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?
Noa: To movie directors and casting agents, you can join me by contacting my agent, Elissa at Boca Talent: elissa [at] bocamodels.com, or check my contact information on my IMDb pro. In case of urgent or last minute matters, I always recommend Facebook private messages.
Al K Hall: In all the minutes of exhausting research i did during a Resident Evil marathon, did i blow over anything too quickly? Anything you got coming up you’d like us to know about?
Al K Hall: Iggy Pop!? No way! He and I are going to hook up sometime if he ever finds out i exist.
Noa: Iggy is really sweet and we talked a while in between rolling cameras. He is a legend in the music culture and knows a lot about everything. So when he said, “You look like a Hollywood star”, you can only imagine how great it made me feel!
Al K Hall: You wanted to call the cops? Because that’s what girls do when i say they look like Hollywood stars. Anyway what message do you have for Iggy and your bajillion other fans?
Noa: Thank you so much for your support, comments, likes and interest. I always take the time to respond, so feel free to write me. Here’s my official page:
http://www.facebook.com/noalindbergofficial
Al K Hall: Well, i hope you’ve had your shots, and if you need more, i got your back because it’s time for the infamous Bar None Questionnaire. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?
Noa in the Bar None
Noa: Really? Do I have to pick? Alright, let’s have a tasting of them all and I’ll pick after!?
Al K Hall: OK, but you’re paying. Who’m i kidding? You’re a woman and i’m the owner so you drink free. But be careful… When was the last time you had a hangover?
Noa: Let’s just say this morning I’m moving pretty slow after Sunday-Funday in Miami…
Al K Hall: How cool are you!Do you smoke?
Noa: “Smoking is bad, mmkay? And if you start smoking at an early age, mmkay, it’s gonna be bad, mmkay?” Mr Mackey.
Al K Hall: From South Park. Good impression, babe. What’s your favorite swear word?
Noa: Lately, it’d be “balls”.
Al K Hall: Are you positive? HIV positive?More South Park. You really are addicted. And while we’re on that subject, you know i’m in AA…what’s your opinion of teetotalers?
Noa: I admire people who do not feel any social pressure, because after all, drinking is, to my opinion, a social phenomenon. In the Entertainment Industry, you get to go out to events or festivals pretty often, you are always exposed to that pressure, people insisting on getting you a drink. If you refuse, even though you really don’t feel like having a drink at all, it can look unsocial. So I just tend to constantly hold a drink to avoid all this.
Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?
Noa: Taking the time to preparing a FUN interview! Thank you so much! Now let’s all cheersto the Bar None readers!
Al K Hall: From your lips to Google’s ears.
And that’s the way it goes because that’s the way she went. i know i don’t need to tell y’all that Noa and i, regrettably, never met face to face during a wild escape from Cuban card sharks or anywhere else on God’s grey earth. The whole interview was done through e-mail and i goofed around with my parts to make it look like she and i were together, but her answers were kept exactly as she sent them to me.
i really want to thank Noa for putting up with my ridiculousness and for investing herself so deeply in the interview. She was always right there with the answers and she generously shared all of the candid shots you see up there, because she just wanted to be close to you booze hounds and barmaids. If the world needs a next superstar, the world could do a lot worse than Noa Lindberg. Truth.
[Another song Noa likes, hand picked from Intouchables, one of her favorite movies: Eart, Wind and Fire - September]
Earth Is A Memory Worth Fighting For. “Oblivion” Isn’t.
Ramblings: Negative Space
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with someone in a coma? You sit there for a couple hours pouring vodka into his IV bag waiting for him to wake up or do something interesting and maybe once or twice he has a crisis and so you get bursts of excitement when they come in with their crash carts and shit to revive him but then it’s back to just sitting there in a very hi-tech room where nothing really goes down or comes up except a heavy buzz that drags you down and you have to fight against it to stay awake. That’s what Oblivion was like.
CGI is a wonderful thing. And the hovering machines look good, too.
2077, 5 years after the mandatory [apocalypse]
Cool exploding moon shot
The movie is set in a desert wasteland. Super exciting.
Plus he sleeps a lot because his dreams are important
The only thing not predictable about this story is how long it would be
Good sets
Who the fuck is the second 3rd Jack?
Based on a comic [that explains it]
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Regrets the days when phone sex was a career option…
Sex:
Tom Cruise’s partner’s (Andrea Riseborough as Victoria) naked back in the shower. Nice back. The front…?
Tom Cruise’s back in the shower. He’s still fit. #CGI
Vickie’s nude silhouette by moonlight, [bare] butt in the water swimming
Is that the girl from Firefly / V / Homeland who i’ve seen naked? [Morena Baccarin]
Nope, it’s not her. [It's Olga Kurylenko] I’d like to see her naked, though.
That’s Zoe Bell in the background
Drink:
Tom’s gonna burn one down
We’ll grow old and fat together, and fight and drink too much.
Rock & Roll:
Special effects and shit
Blue Oyster Cult
The Wall album cover
Led Zeppelin “Ramble On”
“Whiter Shade of Pale” on the turntable
Techno song at the credits
Cue the theme to “Star Wars”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Joseph Kosinski: graphic novel and original story
Karl Gajdusek and Michael DeBruyn: screenplay
Directed by: Joseph Kosinski
Starring
Tom Cruise … Jack
Morgan Freeman … Beech
Olga Kurylenko … Julia
Andrea Riseborough … Victoria
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes
Melissa Leo … Sally
Zoe Bell … Kara
When i say this movie bombs…
Bottom Line
Perfect if you’ve ODed on uppers and need something to help you come down. This film could take the inventor of the Starbuck’s taste challenge out for a nap.
Wait, the poster says May 3 and this was posted April 25? Yep, once again Yeaman caught some action before y’all in the United States. What, you don’t believe me? That kind of attitude is exactly why i take these shitty photos on my phone and make them into a child’s school-made Mother’s Day card collage.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Hit House – Basalt
[Press 'Play' for some instrumental rock]
Iron Man Crack House
Ramblings: A Little Rusty
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a tux? You feel like hot shit when you put it on and you strut around feeling invincible and a lot of that feeling comes from the drink and you think you’re better than you are at first until the booze bears down on you and the night wears down on you too like you wear the suit and with every sip you feel the feeling slip away until it’s all over and you stand there naked and feel like the suit, polished on the outside, empty in the inside, all package and little soul. That’s kinda what Iron Man 3 is like.
The first thing i gotta say is, i hate reruns of Christmas episodes in the summer more than i hate just about anything and by that i mean i would rather have Justin Bieber crawl his way up into my ass, claw his way through my bowels and slide out my mouth than watch A Very Special Holiday Episode of Dexter. Like Die Hard, Iron Man 3 is a Christmas movie and i’m not even shitting you. It’s a Christmas movie released in April / May and i have no idea what the fuck to make of that so i’m just going to pretend it isn’t happening and kick the review off right now.
Is that a suit or a new Baskin Robins flavor?
There was a lot of good here and i’ll start with that because you know how i feel about Robert Downey Jr, which is the same i feel about every mother fucker who led one hell of a fucked up life and then went sober and held it together and is watching the promises come true while at the same time being true to himself.
“I’m calling you a cab, bro.”
So. The good. The last action scene was very incredible and i wished it lasted forever. The actors, are very good, especially RDJ and Gwyneth Paltrow who i still haven’t figured out why people are always getting on her shit, because she’s hot and classy which are two words good ol’ me doesn’t use too much in the same sentence. Also, Tony Stark wimps out a little and shows his vulnerable side and this adds to his depth. All of this works.
The things that dragged me down a little were small little itty bitty things, like the plot. Tony has some PTSD after New York and The Avengers and when he talks about this shit, it reminds me that The Avengers had some serious shit go down in it and that Iron Man 3 is really just a quickie toss off to help us maintain our hardons until the orgy of The Avengers 2.
“It’s a date!”
Also, all the dialog and explanations put the “awful” back in “awful lot of talking”. i don’t give a shit why people do the action and i sure as shit don’t want to hear you explain why you do the action, i just want to see some fucking action. If this was a real comic, the page would be totally white with all the cartoon balloons, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.
The last thing i’ll whine about here is the fact that the movie is called Iron Man and we see less of Iron Man here than any other movie. It shoulda been called “Find Iron Man” because you really gotta pay attention to see him. Plus, is it me or am i crazy or all of the above, Tony Stark is Iron Man, right? If it’s just a load of empty suits flying around, doesn’t that take away from the Iron Mystique?
“Wait, why is my suit called The Piñata?”
So you should definitely see this movie because i want you to give Robert Downey Jr some money, but if you arrive a couple hours late, you won’t be missing too much.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shots
The Six Billion Dollar Dildo
There were some beautiful actresses in this movie and some of them were even cute but as far as the skin on the screen, this was more hard up than hard on. The sexiest scene? 2 shots of Gwyneth Paltrow in a sports bra. Once she was tied up on some kind of rack and the other time she was kicking ass and liking it but i can sure as shit tell you that she was fit as hell.
Gwyneth Paltrow Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some more shots of her down there in my drawers. Just scroll down all the way to the bottom of the post and then go a little lower.
The equally as lovely but brunette-ier Rebecca Hall did a great job acting, they just made her overdress way too much to do it. Here’s a shot to tide you over until you make it all the way down there, to my drawers.
The weird thing–OK, with me there are a lot of weird things, but this one is really weird because Yvonne Zima (Madeline’s sister) is listed in the cast but i didn’t recognize her in the movie and don’t remember anyone called “Miss Elk Ridge”. If any of y’all readers know who she is, please leave a comment and set me straighter than this wallpaper, like that’s at all possible. [UPDATE: props to the wonderful Messed Up Marionette, who pointed out Zima was the beauty contest winner. Sure enough, when i went back to verify, i noticed IMDB had corrected their typo. Originally they'd written Miss Elkridge, but now it says Miss Elk Ridge. Thanks Marionette.]
Yvonne Zima Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers as well.
Thank god for the Silken Butterflies. Starting things off right on the pretty little foot is the super talented Noa Lindberg who was here as Michele Cusick. Not only is she talented and beautiful, she’s also gutsy as she’s agreed to to an interview for the Bar None, so stay right there on the edge of your seat until that comes together.
What’s an important role in any movie? The bartender, of course, and Crisann Peters fit the part of “Neptune’s Bartender” so well that it made me weep for my past, when i was still drinking and she coulda tended some bars around me. Even less logical than that last sentence is that Crisann, too, has agreed to an interview in the Bar None. i’m thinking this new Jose Cuervo cologne is really starting to work wonders.
Also thrown into the mix was the equally (well, almost equally because she isn’t letting me interview her) delightful Meghan Aruffo, as the enviable “NYE Party Girl”, and aren’t we all?
For those of you more into Iron Men than Iron Ladies (RIP on Margaret “Thatchick” Thatcher), here’s a shot of Iron Man out of his suit.
Drink: ½ Shot
There was some alcohol on the screen, so i have to give it the symbolic half-shot for effort, but there is really the minimum here.
Here’s the way that spilled out on screen:
[Tony Stark] Drinks wine in his workshop. Obviously [from the rosy pink color], fake wine for RDJ
Flat champagne for when Pepper comes home
Mandarin drinks Kronenbourg from a can and offers some to Stark
The Villain (and despite the wardrobe NOT a 70′s Magician, 80′s Singer or 90′s Stand up comic)
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
Two shots and both of them are for the action climax at the end and none of the rest.
You want rock and roll? Go back to Iron Man 1 and 2, where they have the decency to give us some AC/DC. Here there’s no real rock, just rock-like instrumental incidental music. You wanna song with words? No problem, there’s a jazz version of Jingle Bells sung by a cat named Vinne Zummo in the movie and i ain’t even shitting you one bit.
“Well, Oprah, I do my best *not* to fart in the suit.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Stan Lee, Don Heck, Larry Lieber & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Drew Pearce & Shane Black (screenplay)
Directed by: Shane Black
Starring
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Rebecca Hall – Maya Hansen
Noa Lindberg – Michele Cusick
Crisann Peters – Neptunes Bartender
Yvonne Zima – Miss Elk Ridge
Meghan Aruffo – NYE Party Girl
Bottom Line
C’mon, you knew before you read this if you were gonna see it or not. If you saw the first two, then you gotta see this one anyway. If you don’t have to see it, you should anyway because RDJ should have your money.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Four Horsemen – Back In Business Again
[Press 'Play' for some fuckers back for another round]
i got lucky again, if “lucky” means seeing this one day before it was released in the States. If it doesn’t mean that, then i got whatever the word for seeing it in Yeaman first is.
Here’s the shots off my cell phone as proof.
Ramblings: G.I. Joe: Retail Nation
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a pizza delivery guy? He shows up on time and decides to come in and have a brew with you and he’s only just a kid but cool enough and after all he did bring the fucking pizza. Sure, all he did was bring what you ordered but how often have you ordered a pizza and they get the order wrong and it’s got pineapple or fish or some shit on it or they bring it way too late or sometimes they don’t even bring it at all? At least this guy really brings it. He brings the pizza and it’s not an awesome pizza, hell, it’s not even a great pizza and it’s not like they surprise you with extra ingredients or a hot delivery chick or free beer, you get just what you ordered and you ordered what you wanted so you end up getting what you wanted which is more than you can say for a lot of drunk pizza delivery guys. G.I. Joe: Retaliation is exactly like that pizza: simple fare but fare enough.
Cue Ball + Crystal Ball = 2 big balls
Yeah, i hesitated between 2½ and 3 shots but i decided to round up for a couple reasons. Like i didn’t expect much and i wasn’t disappointed, which actually doesn’t always happen. Like with The Expendables, i went expecting a basic action movie and i saw an ugly chick flick.
It’s simple, when i see an action movie i want rock and roll, special effects, and action. Lots of fucking action. G.I. Joe: Retaliation delivers all of that. Nothing more, but what they delivered is fulfilling enough that i left satisfied.
The story was easy to follow and didn’t need tons of talk to set it up. The costumes and sets were often kind of cool, the fight scenes weren’t boring and there were enough of them, the actors were above average for the genre, and the special effects didn’t look too fake.
Street Fighter flashback, anyone?
Some things were hard to swallow, of course. Like the code names these poor Joes are stuck with are downright embarrassing. i can’t imagine the shame of the G.I. Joe cotillion when people have to walk around with name tags that say, “Roadblock”, “Firefly” or “Storm Shadow”. A couple of WTF moments left a bad taste in my mouth (Welshman Jonathan Pryce as President of the United States? A country where the President can replace his entire staff with Nazis over night and everyone obeys with 100% commitment simly because he’s the President?) but this is a pizza movie so i’m not gonna bitch because i can’t have my cake and eat it, too.
An Welsh president? Only in America
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 shots
Yes, there was a slather (yes it’s a word, it’s spelled s-l-a-t-h-e-r) of Silken Butterflies and Elodie Yung is French so that’s another bonus point but the 2 shots here is all Adrianne Palicki (as “Lady Jaye”). While i was looking up pictures of her for this post, i saw her progress from this cute young woman who posed in provocative pics to launch (among other things) her career and then i saw she’s been in more doomed pilots than a gay World War II Flying Ace. Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Robinsons: Lost In Space…
“My 3rd eye mole is up here.”
That she’s beautiful is obvious but watching her on screen i saw a natural charm and a down to earth spark that lit me up. She was born in fucking Toleda, for chrissake. Is she the girl next door? Don’t fuckin’ know, but she can sure as shit act like it and she’s an actress, after all, so if she’s good enough to act like she is then i’m buying into the myth conception.
Starting with this.
Adrianne Palick Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s tons more single shots of her down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit my pay dirty.
Plus like i already said, Elodie Yung was in this as Jinx and she’s so cute she could be French. Because she is. Plus she’s Elodie Yung, which she is too. This is what i mean.
Elodie Yung Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s more shots of her in my drawers with Adrianne down there. ↓
There was a slather (see? would i have used it twice if it wasn’t a real word?) of lovely ladies who were in the movie just long enough to wet our…whistles and to leave us wanting more.
First up are the amazing Joanna Leeds and Elana Justin who both star as interns.
Joanna Leeds
Elana Justin
Then there was the incredible Tiffany Lonsdale who appeared as the “British Expert”.
Tiffany Lonsdale in the Bar None
Finally, is the tragically uncredited Brittney Alger who played the pivotal role of Bartender #1.
Is she not adorable? i’ma hit her up for an interview to make up for the fact she was uncredited in the movie. i’ll give her credit where credit is due, ‘swhat i’m saying.
Here’s the blow by blow of the sex in the movie:
She [Adrianne Palicki] bends over in shorts, half jogging shirt & she’s fit
Her [Adrianne Palicki] in a red dress changing out of it into t-shirt with sexy black lingerie [while Flint watches her by her reflection in a TV screen]
Not enough sex on TV
Her [Adrianne Palicki] in jeans from behind. Oh my…
Drink: 0 Shots
How do you know it’s PG-13? We toast with water.
Square this one away and get me a beer.
–The short-lived Duke to a subordinate concerning a nuclear missile after a mission
Champagne at presidential roast
“When I stand up, you’ll get the bottle back again.”
Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots
The action was good and a couple times it was even semi-original which was way more than i could’ve hoped for.
Add to that a decently hard soundtrack by some guy named Henry Jackman, plus the song at the top and now this one that came in during the credits. The Heavy – How You Like Me Now
[Press 'Play' for how you like me now]
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick
Directed by: Jon M. Chu
Helmets with Spit Guards
Starring
Adrianne Palicki – Jaye
Elodie Yung – Jinx
Joanna Leeds – Intern
Elana Justin – Intern
Tiffany Lonsdale – British Expert
Brittney Alger – Bartender #1 (uncredited)
Dwayne Johnson – Roadblock
Jonathan Pryce – President
Byung-hun Lee – Storm Shadow
Ray Stevenson – Firefly
D.J. Cotrona – Flint
Channing Tatum – Duke
Bottom Line
Basic meat lovers pizza: a little cheesy but not totally tasteless.
The text is done and so am i. It’s late and i’ve been power putting this together to get it ready for a same-day posting so i’ll shut up now and give you the photos of the ladies and nothing else. Continue reading
Did you see the date on the poster? March 22, Barmaids and Beerhounds. And what day did i post this bad boy? March 20. Once again they decided to throw this up here in Yeaman before serving it up to a real public. Here’s the screen shot i took with my camera because i know you don’t trust me.
Ramblings: Die Hardly
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk at a family reunion? It’s always the same relatives like the stoic ex-cop uncle who drinks almost as much as you and he walks heavily like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders when in fact it’s just his huge fucking head, and then you have the standup dad who has a ton of responsibility but smiles shitloads and whatever happens you can be sure he’ll be the one to say grace before you can try the jello shots and over there you have your crazy sister’s latest psycho foreign boyfriend (she just won’t do domestic) who gets fucked up on import ale laced with meth and he starts threatening grandma with a spork until vet cop uncle and pastor dad beat him up then talk him down with too much talk and too much down because even if it was fun at the beginning when the fucker went whack, the rest of the evening is just a lot of drunken boring ass chat and you remember too late that every fucking family reunion is exactly like this and you make a mental note never to put yourself through this shit again but you’ll forget once more as soon as someone mentions free beer. That’s what you’ll be thinking after you see Olympus Has Fallen.
“Do you want to put the ‘secret’ back in the ‘service’, Timmy?”
I’m going to tell you a secret nobody wants you to know. OHF is a remake of the first Die Hard.
How does OHF measure up? Not anywhere near as good as the first Die Hard, but streaks in your underwear ahead of the A Good Day to Die Hard.
The problem is that, ironically enough, it starts off kind of good, like A Good Day To Die Hard because when they do the action it really rocks and rocks hard. But then they decide there aren’t enough clichés (*cough* troubled marriage *cough*) and so they have to go back and it takes a long time for Antoine “Fuck ya” Fuqua to put all of them in (here are some high fives in the control room for you) and he’s so worried about inserting every single last fucking cliché (patriotic speech at the end, anyone?) he can find that he totally forgets to include some good shit, too.
Hates it when they wax the front porch
You know how good movie reviewers have started talking about different parts of movies? Well, i’m not good enough to do that yet but i can say without spoiling anything that there are 3 parts and the 2nd one where they take over the White House is cool as fucking hell. Before that? If you want to have a pee and a popcorn and arrive 10 minutes late you won’t miss anything. Seriously, how long does it take to set up what we already know is going to happen because it’s on the fucking poster!?
“As soon as it’s safe, turn around.”
After they take over the White House and Butler has to go all John McClane on everybody’s ass, “Fuckya” decides he wants to throw more WTF moments than you can count into the mix but i’m not going to go into that here because they include spoilers. Suffice to say, if you want to go home early and read more of my blog, do it—there’s at least as much shit here as there is in the film.
“No, Ma’am, you don’t understand. It’s not harassment if you’re ugly.”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Yeah, there was nothing resembling anything sexual in this movie. The closest we get is Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan (Melissa Leo) in a silk underthing over her bra.
Oppa Gangbang Style
Other than that, there are some very beautiful women in the movie, but it’s an “action” movie which means men just want to watch other men get hot and sweaty and wrestle with other.
But you know me, and if you don’t i’m the one who invented donner pizza, i’m all about the soft side of life so let’s get started off on that foot right away with both of Radha Mitchell’s soft sides.
Radha Mitchell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She has the coolest beauty marks on her neck, swear to god. If you want more proof of that, there’s some single shots of her down below in my drawers, just scroll to the end of the post and you’ll find ‘em lingering there.
There was also the delicious Angela Basset who played a politician type of woman but i didn’t care about that as much as i cared about this.
Angela Basset Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s drawer shots of her as well.
Rounding things up, way up, is Ashley Judd who plays the First Lady and when you see these shots, you’ll see why she comes First. Although you probably will. Anyway, get a fill of her here because she’s not in the movie as much as you’d like.
Ashley Judd Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i also stuffed my drawers with some single shots of her down below, too.
Making an all too brief appearance as “Nurse” is the always lovely Amber Dawn Landrum, who is always as lovely as this:
Not to mention the amazing Malana Lea, who played Lim, and she was. See?
Drink: 0
Not a drop.
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
Like i already said, there was lots of cool rock and roll action for the fight scene but before and after that there was just a lot of nothing. And absolutely no rock in the soundtrack. Not even the mandatory single during the credits. The one cliché i don’t mind so much…
“Sorry, sir, your arm is falling off. Let me get that for you.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Creighton Rothenberger & Katrin Benedikt
Directed by: Antoine Fuqua
Starring
Angela Bassett – Secret Service Director Lynn Jacobs
Melissa Leo – Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan
Radha Mitchell – Leah
Malana Lea – Lim
Amber Dawn Landrum – Nurse
Gerard Butler – Mike Banning
Aaron Eckhart – President Benjamin Asher
Finley Jacobsen – Connor
Dylan McDermott – Forbes
Rick Yune – Kang
Morgan Freeman – Speaker Trumbull
Bottom Line
If you gotta see it, leave after they kill the South Korean President. If you don’t gotta see it, watch Die Hard instead.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites
[Press 'Play' for some moody music to read by]
You know what? And i know you don’t else i wouldn’t have asked, Spring Broke early in Yeaman so i got to see the goodies weeks before any Yanks. This is to make up for the fact we got Django Unchained months late. Anyway, read this and weep or get wet another way while checking out the screen shots i got.
Yes, i did get a new phone, thanks for noticing.
Ramblings: One Hot Spring
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a popcorn bowl full of Gummi Bears? Sure they’re good and even give your buzz a buzz cuz of all the extra sugar but the problem is you can’t stop eating them just like you can’t stop drinking and you realize there is such a thing as too much of a good thing especially when both of them together don’t mix but make you a little sick to your stomach so you sit there uncomfortably on your stool trying to hide your spontaneous erection with a cock-tail napkin that’s a layer too small while you fight not to throw up all at the same time. That’s exactly what Spring Breakers was like.
Jail Bait
To help put this movie in perspective for y’all, take a look at the poster up top. See the babe bent over in the pink hair? She’s 26 years old and married to a 40-year old guy…who also directed this movie. Yep, that’s where this movie is hardly coming from.
There is a reason oil and water, whiskey and firearms, or Debs at a Barely Legal convention don’t mix and Spring Breakers is it because it tries to be both a serious coming of age tale and a T&A flick but just ends up being a seriously aged coming again and again film without enough flick of her tale. Harmony Korine (the 40-year old director who brazenly ignores the “½ your age + 7″ rule) tried to make Scarface meets The Hangover but instead of getting the art of Scarface and the humor of The Hangover, what he threw up on screen had the comedy of Scarface and the artistry of The Hangover.
Franco finds his dentist
But what about the actresses, you ask, you curious sins of the bitches you. They were hot if you like the finely toned, perfectly honed, willingly boned teenage girl prancing around in her bikini type but let’s face it, if Selena Gomez could act, we’d of heard about it by now. If Vanessa Hudgens was an actress, she’d have acted in Sucker Punch. If Ashley Whatshername was talented, i’d remember her last name. They were more than pretty enough for you to see the flick just for their skin as long as you don’t expect anything more, because booty is skin deep. And so is Spring Breakers.
Practice makes perfect
This was so obvious that even the Harmony (who’s a guy despite his name) realized it so he tried to edit the film around their gaps in talent but the gaps were so big the style devices (flash forwards, repeating scenes, odd lighting, extreme closeups, blurry lenses…) became the movie and looked like he was a drunk little boy who’d just discovered the effects panel on Windows Movie Maker.
The final word? An artistic movie about near teens in bikinis going gangster looks great on paper…just not on the screen
Shitting Bricks
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 4 Shots
Not a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20′s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.
Wow, check out her jug!
FYI, there was too much hot for this one post so the individual shots of the actresses are smoldering over at The Girls From SPRING BREAKERS post.
i’m gonna start off with a mystery. IMDB lists the stellar Heather Morris as “Bess”, but i didn’t recognize her anywhere in this movie. Maybe if one of y’all spot her you could leave a comment on where she was hanging out, other than right here because i don’t care if i could find her in the film as long as i could locate her in the Bar None.
Heather Morris Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of the post. Just scroll all the way down to where it says “Continue reading…” and then click.
Before i show some more skin, here’s the blow by blow:
Opening credits is hot girls in bikinis drinking beer
Slo-mo big breasts shaking while guys pour beer on them close-up.
Lots of topless
Vanessa [Hudgens] simulating fellatio
Blonde neighbor girl. Platinum short hair. [Actually, this might be Heather Morris]
Girls exchange kiss hits of grass
Count money in their bras
This money makes my pussy wet. It makes my tits look bigger.
Girls peeing together
Coke off a flat chested girl’s naked tattooed body
3 way in the pool, Franco, Ashley & VH [Vanessa Hudgens], girl on girl kisses [this was a super hot scene]
glimpses of VH topless
André with 3 [naked] women in bed & they’re chubby chubby
France gives head to a gun
What happens in my lap, stays in my lap
Here, then are the girls. Like i said, the solo shots of them are located in a different post, but here are the Wallpapers.
Selena Gomez Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Ashley Benson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There were Butterflies a-plenty flitting across the silver screen all too briefly and i was only able to net three of them.
Emma Holzer rocked the role of “Heather”…
Cait Taylor sparkled as “Tiffany”…
And i don’t know how the Oscar committee could have overlooked Lauren Vera’s incarnation of “Spring Breaker”…
For those of you more into Spring than Bounce, there was James Franco. Kind of.
That moment you realize the poster teeth are better than yours
James Franco Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Drink: 4 Shots
Dudes. It’s a movie about Spring Break. The sole remaining vestige of a Roman orgy. How could there not be booze?
Fairy Tails
Beer
Drinking contest where guys “pee beer” from a can into babes’ mouths
Whiskey squirt gun, home alone in the evening (Ashley)
SG [Selena Gomez] smoking
[Girl] passed out in bathroom with puke filled toilet
I’m not drunk enough for that.
Champagne bottle on the piano outside
i’ll take one to go, please.
Rock & Roll: ½ Shot
Are you kidding me? The soundtrack had a lot of shit by some act called Skillrex or something and that guys knows as much about rock as he does hair styling. There may have been some pretty decent rap but for the most part, the OST was pretty lame.
DangeRuss Slumming It
What did not make the soundtrack, however, was a cute moment when Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens sing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” a capella while drinking.
What was less cute was James Franco rapping, but this doesn’t mean he didn’t do a good job. i thought he held his own, and i should know, i’m kind of the expert on that. But you be the judge.
[Press 'Play' for James Franco rapping with DangeRuss - Hangin' with da Dope Boys]
Unrapping
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Harmony Korine
Find Waldo
Directed by: Harmony Korine
Starring
Selena Gomez – Faith
Ashley Benson – Brit
Vanessa Hudgens – Candy
Rachel Korine – Cotty
Heather Morris – Bess
Lauren Vera – Spring Breaker
Emma Holzer – Heather
Cait Taylor – Tiffany
James Franco – Alien
Bottom Line
Let’s be honest. Four hot nearly jailbait girls getting drunk in bikinis and shooting people is not a good idea for a movie–it’s a good idea for a religion.
That’s the review done. If you’re still not and want to see pics of Heather Morris, click on. If you want to see pics of the other lead actresses, i keep them in a whole ‘nother drawer.
You know how you get drunk with a Gran? Before you even get there you start to worry because she’s old and you know you’re going to get more bored than a teetotaler on Spring Break in Cancun where what happens in Cancun stays in your subconscious but you’ve decided you’re going to do this so you load up and sit down. She’s nice enough at the beginning, well-mannered and elegant and as she gets her buzz on you start to get into her and her stories because she’s a damn good story teller and the stories she tells are interesting as are the people that populate them and then she hits her groove and you can’t help it, you’re getting turned on so you commit and get a lot deeper into her than you ever thought you would so by the time it’s over you’re happy, sweaty and more than a little amazed. That’s the way it was with Lincoln.
“I can’t wait until electricity is invented.”
The history is interesting but i know how it ends
Nice from a movie making point of view but not extraordinary
Made politics remotely interesting
It doesn’t get better, but my appreciation of it does
A deeply American film, and i’m deeply American
i’m not sure the assassination added to the film. It’s not a biopic of his whole life after all.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
After putting on her dress, Mary Todd realized she had to pee again.
Sex:
Sally Fields undressing to nightgown
Drink:
It’s a hundred miles to Richmond. Get him drunk so he can sleep.
-Holbrook’s wife to the servant putting him in a stagecoach
“Please put your urine sample on the table, James Spader.”
Robert California [James Spader--his role in The Office was 'Robert California' and i couldn't remember his real name while i was taking notes during the movie] drinks beer in a pub talking about getting dem[ocrat] support
Beer in a pub with planning
TLJ [Tommy Lee Jones] drinks whiskey in kitchen [during a] secret meeting with Lincoln
Lincoln offers Yeaman [!] a drink
A bottle of beer in the house
Rock & Roll:
War fought with bayonets and fists
The Last of the Abe Lincolns
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Doris Kearns Goodwin (book), Tony Kushner (screenplay)
Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring
Daniel Day-Lewis – Abraham Lincoln
Sally Field – Mary Todd Lincoln
David Strathairn – William Seward
Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Robert Lincoln
James Spader – W.N. Bilbo
Hal Holbrook – Preston Blair
Tommy Lee Jones – Thaddeus Stevens
“I’ll just hold this pose–call the sculptor for my memorial.”
Bottom Line
Are you kidding? It has a character called “Yeaman”, of course you should see it.
Here’s how real this just got…. Argo, the movie Amitis Frances Ariano starred in, won the Academy Award’s Oscar for Best Picture and i’m thinking the award is due in large part to the participation of this actress that we here at the Bar None scored an exclusive interview with. Read on, believe it, then thank me later.
From Amitis’s mouth to your ears: The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony
[Press 'Play' for a song that comes straight from Amitis's dance card]
Let’s just take a moment to appreciate the pot luck that is my life. Not only do i get to see a movie as good as Argo but then i’m fortunate enough to interview not just one but two of the actresses in this Oscar nominated film, and to top all that off they both are as sweet as they are talented and beautiful. i got so much luck spilling out of me, i’m about to get some of it on you.
From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: The White Stripes – Fell in Love with a Girl
[Press 'Play' for the second best song in the movie...and not on the soundtrack]
Ramblings: Panty Linings Playbook
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk wearing a suit? Not the part when you talk too loud so that everyone within shouting distance knows how over the top you went and not the part when everyone can smell the sheen gleaming in the sick that streaks your lapels. No, there are those moments before everyone becomes your best friend and before you get so phony all your bars are full of reception, before you try too hard to be funny and to fall in love, moments when you are a little off kilter, a little skewed but still you feel a little more you than you’ve been in a while because you are sincere and honest enough to let the crazy out a crack and you accidentally become endearing. That’s what Silver Linings Playbook is like.
“I’m going to switch this envelope out for the one that says ‘Argo’.”
SLP is a romantic comedy that is neither, and all the better for it. You know me and if you don’t, i’m the guy that came up with “dramantic comedy” or “drom-com” and go ahead, you can keep mocking me even after you steal that expression because that’s also the kind of guy i am. i hate romantic comedies more than i hate life itself and i only went to see this because it was nominated for an Oscar and plus the only thing easier in life than hating romantic comedies is mocking them and i’m all about the easy.
Imagine my surprise when i didn’t hate this movie. Why i didn’t is a whole ‘nother story—not really, it’s the whole story of this post and i didn’t hate the movie because it wasn’t a romantic comedy, it was a sexy shell with some serious drama deep down at the bottom, like panty liners hidden inside scanty panties. Also, the ending was happy in the movie just like panty liners are happy in their own way because it means she’s not pregnant, am i right?
“You’re so hot, and not just the sweaty kind.”
Basically i got emotionally invested in the characters here and i never do that for a movie like this unless it is this. Why? Read on, Buttercup.
The best thing about this movie were the actors and you know how sometimes you don’t know what makes a good actor because you can’t really put your finger on it? Go and see SLP for a good lesson on that. Chris “Mother” Tucker takes the role of the nutso friend and drives it straight to the place you’d expect and drops it off there without taking us anywhere. Some other guy (John Ortiz) plays the BF and you watch him going, “Yeah, he’s the BF because he’s acting the way the BF is supposed to”.
But Bradley Cooper (who is the person i will sleep with right after Eliza Dushku if i go gay) and Jennifer Lawrence (who i would sleep with first no matter what) fucking nail their characters. They play crazy perfectly because they don’t “play crazy”, they play crazy people trying to act normal which is a whole hell of a lot more realistic.
“You overpaid for your track suit, babe.”
The other good thing about this (yeah, i’ll skip the part about how De Niro finally gets his acting chops into a meatier role than he’s been served in a long time) is the director who’s some guy called David O. Russell (who also directed the fuckin’ excellent The Fighter). The cool thing about his directing is that you don’t notice it, which is what good directing is about (unless you go the other way where the directing is the best part of the movie, like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula or Andrew Niccol’s Lord of War).
Everything comes together in this movie and chips in to elevate it above the normal level of a rom-coma and even if that doesn’t make it Oscar worthy, it still makes it worth a viewing.
Meanwhile, at the same sex marriage gala…
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½ Shots
“No, that’s a roll of dimes I keep in my pocket.”
Sure, i love Jennifer Lawrence (“Tiffany” in this movie), but more importantly i like her a lot. She’s hot but she wasn’t always hot and she won’t always be hot but what she will always be is a good actress and fucking cool. For the good actress part all you have to do is watch Silver Linings Playbook to see what i mean and for the cool part check out these quotes.
Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody’s like, ‘How can you remain with a level head?’ And I’m like, ‘Why would I ever get cocky? I’m not saving anybody’s life. There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.
Or, and this is my personal favorite,
I went to the doctor today and got a chest X-ray of my lungs and discovered that my breasts are uneven! That was all I saw.
You know me (and if you don’t, my breasts are uneven too), i’m all about the investigative journalism, so let’s take a close up and personal look at this, shall we?
Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Like with most of the actresses, there are single shots of Jennifer in my drawers, down below. Just scroll all the way down until you hit the “Continue reading” link and then do just that.
Another wonderful actress gracing this movie is Julia Plenty of Stiles (aka “Veronica” here). i’ve liked her ever since i didn’t see her that one Heath Ledger movie (10 Things I Hate About You) but saw some Stiles stills and she was gorgeous and it was kinda like this.
Julia Stiles Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
What else is good about SLP? Here’s the blow by blow from my notes:
[Glimpses of] Ex-wife (Nikki / Brea Bee) in the shower
Closeups of JL’s [Jennifer Lawrence's] “necklace”, i.e. cleavage & the moles [which i've just realized is a great fucking name for a girl's band]
Vaguely dirty talk @ restaurant: Older mature lesbian with younger girl on her lap explaining / teaching her what to do [i put this dialog down in my drawers, if you really care.]
JL’s bare back
JL’s dance costume rocked halter top
One of my favorite lines from the movie was more about sex than romance. This exchange is between Bradley Cooper’s character (Pat) and a guy taking advantage of Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) sexually.
Jordie
How am I being rude?
Pat
Oh, you know. You know. Come on. Sometimes it’s [casual sex] okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun, and sometimes it’s not okay because they got a broken wing, and they’re hurt, and they’re an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed.
i already talked about the woman naked wife in the shower in the blow by blow and her name is Brea Bee and she’s this kind of ginger hot.
Regency Boies graced us, the screen and the film with her brief yet remarkable presence as “Regina”.
Also making the film a better place to be is Samantha Gelnaw, who played Jake’s Finacée.
For those of you more into quick passes than tight ends, there was Bradley Cooper in this.
Bradley Cooper rocking the sober in the Bar None
Drink: 2½ Shots
There was tons of drinking and drink references but it didn’t ply a serious role in the movie and that’s what 2½ shots tastes like.
Here’s the blow by blow:
PAT
Danny was in for assault because of crystal meth and alcohol.
DANNY
Bad combination.
—Pat explaining to his mother why Danny was with him in the mental hospital
BC (Bradley Cooper) brings wine bottle to dinner at Ronnie’s
Wine @ dinner
“LOL, we’re drinking expensive champagne and you sold out for a cheap ass Bud.”
Don’t drink too much, don’t hit anybody, you’ll be fine.
—Pat Sr. (Robert De Niro) giving his son advice before a football game
Beer @ tailgate [party]
JL swigs Bud after putting De Niro in his place
White alcohol on ice @ Xmas
Chris Whatsisname [Tucker] drinking Bud at formal dance recital
When JL is stressed she marches straight to the bar, pounds on it, and asks for a vodka. Then a guy offers her another one.
Champagne on the table at the dance contest
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
It’s not my fault everything is 2½ shots, talk to the movie. i went 2½ here because the soundtrack has some really cool songs (two White Stripes jams, and even some Zeppelin!) but not all of the songs are on the OST, so don’t buy it without checking it out closely first.
Some guy way cooler than me over at a real blog called Indiewire put together a complete list of all the songs in the movie, not just the ones on the soundtrack.
A cool song on both, which is not necessarily rock and roll, is “Girl from the North Country” by Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, Norman Blake, W.S. Holland & Marshall Grant.
The Waiting Room at the Wig Salon
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Matthew Quick (novel “The Silver Linings Playbook”)
David O. Russell (screenplay)
The short bus just got shorter
Directed by: David O. Russell
Starring
Jennifer Lawrence – Tiffany
Jacki Weaver – Dolores
Julia Stiles – Veronica
Brea Bee – Nikki
Regency Boies – Regina
Samantha Gelnaw – Jake’s Fiancée
Bradley Cooper – Pat
Robert De Niro – Pat Sr.
Chris Tucker – Danny
Anupam Kher – Dr. Cliff Patel
John Ortiz – Ronnie
Bottom Line
Great date movie because it’s almost a great movie.
A couple very pretty girls but because this bad boy was about love and not sex, the girls don’t show anything other than up.
There was some alcohol on the screen, so i have to give it the symbolic half-shot for effort, but there is really the minimum here.
Two shots and both of them are for the action climax at the end and none of the rest.
Not a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20′s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.
