Cham-Pain: When you care enough to sleep off the very best
In other news… i’ve set a new drinking rule for myself. No more drinking at home. Basically, this means i’ll only be drinking wine at my 1 or 2 business lunches a week and a couple beers at the office’s Open Bar on Fridays. i plan to start hitting some gallery openings for another writing project i got going, so if they have champagne at some of those the man in the above picture may be me, but that’s a risk i’m willing to take.
A little about rules. i don’t have a tattoo. None. For the simple reason that i’ve never believed in anything long enough that i’d want it permanently etched into me. Rules are like this. i create rules for myself, not tattoos. i’m a big believer in evolution and i’m a big believer in change. i adopt rules knowing that they’ll get changed eventually and that change is a good thing. Right now, i think i’ve hit one the best one for me for the time being.
i’ll keep you “posted”.
PS “Ouroboros”. That’s what i’d get if i got a tattoo today. It’s an image of a snake eating it’s own tail and it’d look something like this:
Ask me again tomorrow, i’ll pro’lly tell you something different.
Feeding on the bottom these last two weeks, i’ve come up with a lot of dregs. We got a drunk woman playing with her meat, Jewish beer, 120 proof that Aussies are lost, a guy who drunk dialed 9-1-1 47 times, why no one should ever be cut off, a politician’s guide to bedding drunk girls & virgins, a drunk Christmas parader horsing around, Amish DUI, and outer space beer. Plus some really crazy stuff (can you say ‘Estonian poetry’?)…
Before we dive into the dregs, here’s a song that goes out to Serbian President Boris Tadic, from the juiced-box:
In a surprise move, Serbian President Boris Tadic didn’t get totally split faced from Champagne. He admitted in a Belgrade court that he drank the French Toilet Water in a sporting stadium to celebrate the national soccer team’s victory over Romania in a World Cup Qualifying match. Hard to deny it when there’s a photo of you breaking the law on the front page Serbia Today (or whatever the hell their national paper is called). “Breaking the law” because Serbian law forbids the partaking of alcoholic beverages in sporting arenas. In his favor, Boris waived his right to immunity and agreed to pay the fine of $730. In his disfavor, Tadic said he didn’t even like champagne. Right, like there’s any kind of alcohol a Serb would turn down.
On that note, here’s something to drink to: Serbian Girls.
Robert C. Zettoch was arrested when police showed up at his house after a 911 call. Unfortunately, he wasn’t sick. He was, however, stinking drunk on vodka. Seems Zettoch had been drunk dialing 911 about twice a month since September 2008. The regularity of his calls make me wonder if he was also getting phone sex. Blue balls count as a sickness, right?
You thought Bad Santa from November 15th’s dregs was something? Well, Patti Lynn Moore (46), also of Tennessee, certainly rode on his red coattails. Ms Moore was full to the rim on Christmas cheer when she decided to take a nap on the horse she was riding in the Shelbyville Christmas parade. Spectators who witnessed the scene called 911 and 15 minutes later the cops found the woman still asleep on her mount outside a motel. i heard she was on top and her partner was hung like a horse. She was arrested on charges of public intoxication.
If you think that’s funny, check out the first comment on the page:
We seen the woman on the square during the parade. She was very intoxicated and looked like she was still drinking at the time. I’m glad that she was arrested anything could have happened not just to her but to all that was watching the parade. Why on earth would one be drinking this much by 6:00 pm this is crazy and in front of children she should be ashamed of her self.
i could’ve said it better myself, but it wouldn’t have been half as amusing.
If people parading their alcoholism is getting old hat, what about the drunken Amish? They may forgo electricity, they may shun our modern ways, they may even refuse to have their photos taken, but they apparently aren’t averse to pounding a few drinks. Elmer Stoltzfoos Fisher (22), was busted when he fell asleep in his buggy and his horse straddled the middle line, probably thinking it was coke. Police came across the slow moving buggy and pounded on the door until Elmer woke up. He blew 0.18% on the BAC; click here if you don’t know what that means. Bet you 5 bucks and a shot that Tipple-Me Elmer had to get his picture taken at the police station, Amish or not.
Leave it to a Brit to think you have to prepare a list on how to bed a drunk person. Here’s all you need to know about having sex with a drunk person:
Find a drunk person
Have sex with them
British Speaker (which is more official than a Talker, i’m guessing) John Bercow, wrote an article for a magazine in 1986 called “The John Bercow Guide To Understanding Women”. In it he includes 5 sections:
How To Pick Up Drunk Girls (Tell them, “‘If you’re free later, maybe we could go back to your place and name your breasts.’”)
How To Pick Up Virgins (“Lying is good; the truth is bad. There’s nothing more dangerous than a hysterical virgin.”)
How To Pick Up Refined Girls
How To Get Rid Of A Girl During Sex (Apparently the need for this arises when “she won’t make sounds like a squirrel no matter how much you pay her.”)
How To Get Rid Of Girls After Sex (We get two bits of advice here. 1) Say “‘Warning: Don’t move. I have just broken a test tube filled with the AIDS virus in bed.’” 2) Or, “‘I hate your tits.’”
Somehow i get the impression women bail on Bercow before he has the time to say anything.
As for drunks, i’m not convinced it’s difficult to bed one, but most of the time you wouldn’t want to anyway.
In New Zealand, a drunken bride stumbled away from her wedding reception and failed to show up at her honeymoon bed. (Looks like Bercow shoulda written another chapter: How To Get Your Newlywed Into The Sack.) Fearing abduction, emergency teams, including dogs and helicopters, were called and after a 4-hour search that cost several thousands of dollars, the woman was found passed out on the roadside, 15 meters in the bush. That’s a blushing bride.
In Australia, a man bailed on his travelling companion at 2am. He left their hotel and was spotted in a bar at 4am but disappeared after. Although he’d been in a bar, on Saturdays authorities launched a sea and land search. He finally showed up on Sunday afternoon in another bar, 7½ miles away. Someone needs to tell the Aussie police to chill like the beers the poor guy was pounding. He didn’t know there were search parties looking for him—he just didn’t want his companion to find him.
Anthony Gobbi (30) didn’t like being refused alcohol on a Saturday morning in the China Lion restaurant, in Lynn, Massachusetts. He didn’t like it so much that he came back with a loaded AK-47 and opened fire inside the place. i bet he was all like, “You cutting me off? Are you cutting me off? Why doncha say hello to my little friend…” Anyway, he musta been drunk to let loose with a machine gun and not even hit anyone.
A woman officers described as “intoxicated” was found pushing a shopping cart full of “meat and meat products” (and just what the hell is a “meat product” anyway, and how does it differ from “meat”?). She was charged with retail theft, even though she said she had taken the meat to give to her boyfriend who was currently in County lockup. Maybe the police woulda let her be if she’d only been stroking or beating it…
Seems like Jewish beer is getting more and more Israelis matzel-off. They make it with stuff like carob (yeah, like you know what that is), pomegranates, and spice it with rosemary and mint. There’s also one called “‘Trog Wit, made after Sukkot and using etrogs.” Is it me, or does this sound like Hobbit beer? Anyway, no big surprise that Israelis drink only 13 liters of beer per year on average (compared to 85 liters annually for Americans). Hell, i drink 13 liters of beer just to get out of bed in the morning, but then my brew is etrog-free.
Not to be outdone by their Jewish cousins, Japanese beer brewer, Sapporo, is selling 250 6-packs of beer at $110 a pop. Why so expensive? No, they don’t include school girl panties. What makes “Space Beer” so incredibly overpriced is that the barley used to brew the beer was cultivated by the Russians on their ISS space station. Drink this if you’re tired of seeing pink elephants and are looking for some little green men.
However, if the story is not drinking alcohol, it seems to be much more precise result:
condemned to go
“I can not wait when I am old enough that I could go to waste”
“because” no sign, however, the temporal sequence
Celebrity Dregs Tomorrow
This post included two weeks of dregs, took quite a bit of time and, what’s more, took a back burner to the preparation of my Gabrielle Chapin interview. Rather than adding to what’s already become a long post, i’ll throw up the Celebrity Dregs tomorrow.
Miss England lost her crown last Friday after getting a bar fight with Miss Manchester over a Gladiator. Rachel Christie (Miss England) punched out Sara Jones (Miss Manchester), got arrested and had to withdraw from the Miss World Competition. She plans to concentrate her hopes on Olympic gold, but in some ‘event’ called the ‘heptathlon’, not in boxing! We here at the Bar None would love to see Rachel Christie throw down with Mischa Barton. In bikinis. With Jello.
A man whose name sounds like a U.S. map, 51-year-old Erwin Vermont Washington, wanted to fly higher than ever. Things didn’t really take off, though, because he was taken off a plane, given a Breathalyzer and arrested before things got off the ground. The only problem was, he was the pilot. An employee tattled on him and the test, given out of view of passengers, proved his BAC was too high to fly. What was he charged with? Attempted FWI? It wasn’t his fault, if you ask me: 0.02% is the legal limit for flying while 0.08% is for driving a car. How fair is that?
Stephanie Pratt was the surreality actress who earned herself a mug shot a couple weeks ago. The real tragedy behind the arrest isn’t that she pleaded not guilty and will go to rehab instead of jail (this according to TMZ) but that she was arrested to begin with! She only blew 0.09, for chrissakes! 0.08 is the legal limit and she blew 0.01 over! Freaking 0.01%! That’s like the total percent of writer’s who don’t drink! Steph should move to Australia where this one couple got arrested for DWI three times—in three hours. (Shattering the previous record of twice in four hours, set by Talitha Gorea.) It goes like this: Just after midnight, a 37-year-old Australian guy driving with his 27-year-old girlfriend get pulled over. He was breath tested and was over the legal limit. Police didn’t arrest him but noticed his companion was drunk and told her not to drive. An hour later, police pulled her over—on the same street. Same offense. At 3:05, police stopped the couple again, on the same street, with the man behind the wheel again. He was tested again, found to be over the limit again, but refused to follow police back to HQ and was not arrested anyway! Screw it, i’m moving to Australia with Stephanie Pratt.
It was a disaster of epic proportions, perhaps even more tragic than the Vodka tsunami that prompted the Bar None’s first Stoli War (AKA ‘Vodkwā’). A tanker carrying 7,000 gallons of Canadian Club whiskey overturned faster than a whiskey shot in an Irish pub. Oh, the humanity! Roads were closed, Canadians were weeping in Clubs, drinkers were left high and dry the world over. Relief efforts included sending a crack team from the Bar None to lick up the mess, but by the time we arrived it was too late: T-totaling firemen had already hosed down the road. How can a loving god let things like this happen?
Jim Crowe’s younger brother, John Crowe was busted for stealing three bottles of champagne in a Chicago Whole Foods. He was gonna just be charged with misdemeanor (no relation to Miss Demeanor) retail theft but that was upgraded to a felony when cops sorted through his 50+ aliases and realized it was his 63rd arrest. Here’s the Mug Shot:
Busted Before He Could Celebrate
Before you go any further, a theme for the next next post:
[Press 'Play' to hear a cool, jazzy version of "I Kissed A Girl", live and unplugged]
Lohan pulled the same crap as John Crowe (above) but didn’t get arrested. She was at this club called the Crown Bar, ordered a bottle of Champagne and when the bill came, she pointed at another table and told the waitress to put it on that guy’s tab (turns out it was Twilight’s Kellan Lutz). After she finished it, she took off without paying…just like a John Crowe. Maybe she could give him lessons on how to lift champagne. Or maybe he should hang out in better clubs than
Lindsay (’cause i’m tight with her like that and call her by her first name) had a lesson to learn the day after the champagne boost. She went to a party of people less screwed up than herself (yes, it was a big party) and hung out with Courtenay Semel (her first lesbian love, the one before Samantha Ronson). Here’s a little photo of the couple in the good ol’ days. Tongues start wagging and it turns out Courtenay not only has a stupid name (i think ‘Semel’ is French for what her privates do after 3 hours in tight leather) but she also just got out of rehab! Eeek! She nagged Lindsay so much that Poorhan ran out of the party in tears. What are friends for? Not for freaking that, i’m here to tell you.
Speaking of hot, young, talented, pretty girls with no brains… Joss Stone gave an interview to Star Magazine where the head-bonger blasphemes that weed is better than alcohol! According to her, marijuana makes you laugh and alcohol makes you kick the spit out of everyone. Not True! i’ve been in tons of fights on booze and have not kicked one ass yet.
Here’s the good news:
What’s more is, i heard she can sing from her diaphragm! i’d like to see a photo of that!
One for the road, in keeping with the lesbian theme:
Joss Stone Kissing A Girl On The UK Series "Snapper"
Bar None Dregs
i just want to bend your ears for a second and share some of the love.
What do these numbers mean: 9-1-13-51-89?
They are the average numbers of page reads per day for each month since starting the Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker, last July.
Yesterday (Nov 14) was my world record day, 161 page views. Until today. There are still 3 hours left, but i’ve already broken my 200-reader cherry. My next trick is to break the cherry of 200 readers…
Point is, if you’re reading this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Tons of people are reading these pages with you, so don’t be shy. Leave your mark! Leave a comment! If nothing else, just a word to say Hi, or Thanks or Where’s The John? We’re drinkers people! If you’re a little timid, remember, this is The BAR NONE. Just have a shot and then take one.
i humbly thank you from the bottle of my bottle. i appreciate your patronizing me and if you had fun, invite a friend.
My get-away to Camp David (as in Hasselhoff) started off like that first shot of a hard liquor you haven’t tried and are suprised to find it so strong and so damn mild.
i rode business class across the drink ’cause i’m classy that way. Klassy with a capital ‘K’, babes. i could tell because i was the only one Klassy enough to snap cell phone pictures of everything that passed across my extra large fold out tray.
BTW, the quality of the photos is due to the cell phone as much as it is my double vision.
i started off with two glasses of champagne. (Miss D is totally T so i stole her drinks throughout the entire flight.)
After that i graduated to a double Glenlivet that was old enough to get me arrested if it were a girl and i enjoyed her as much as i did the drink.
12-year-old Glenlivenit Up
Dinner service came just after and i swigged a white Burgundy with my foie gras (which is French for pâté).
White Burgundy & Liverwurst with an Attitude
With the lamb chop main course, i went for 2 glasses of Haut Medoc and fell so hard for it that i’m convinced the name is French for “Help Me Doc”.
Help Me Docs
After dinner i couldn’t decide on what to erase my palate with, so i didn’t–decide, that is. i had two digestives: a Cognac (Delamain Pale & Dry XO Grande Champagne–’pale & dry’ sounds more like a weather report than a drink and i love how the name sends you hugs and kisses, but there you go) and an Armagnac.
Hugs & Kisses Cognac Mingling With Armagnac
i was as smooth and mellow as the booze after that so i weaned myself off the bottle with a white wine that was so dry i needed five glasses to quench my thirst.
White Wine so Dry It Made Me Thirsty
Two More of the Same
The Last One
My notes stop after that, but i found this last photo lingering on my phone, so logically there must have been a stowaway.
My Mysterious Stowaway
See my nuts? Honey roasted, ’cause i’m Klassy that way.
Man, i was so high that even after the plane landed i was still flying.
Yep, Klassy with a capital ‘K’, that’s me.
Currently Drinking: Water; at lunch i even left the bottle of table wine untouched. i still don’t feel right about drinking without the amount of opium laced paracetamol i’ve been dropping.
Hangover Forecast: Mostly sunny. So far so good as far as the drugs are concerned.