Georgia Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
From the juiced box and dedicated to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa: Machine Gun Kelly – LTFU (One More Time)
[Press 'Play' for "For the unforgettable nights we couldn't take in / Cause we were to busy guzzlin the gin / All in, til we spew it up / My city love me so whenever I'm home / I get the messages saying that it is on"]
Charlie Sheen has got himself a new whore. After Bree Olson’s twins dumped him, he’s now seeing Georgia “On My Mind” Jones, who’s way classier because she only does lesbian (see above wallpaper, in case you missed it) or solo (check out my drawers down below). But she’s not what i mean by “new whore” and if that’s what you thought i meant then you don’t know me very well because i’d never call a woman that and especially not one who is one.
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
No, Charlie’s new bit on the side is none other than Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. The two Californicators partied together in Cabo San Lucas (which is messican for “Party Central”), MeXXXico.
Charlie Sheen tweeting from the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Antonio Villaraigosa in the Bar None
Sheen had this to say about it.
“He can drink with the best of ‘em: Me.”
The two boys spoke for hours and drank tons and all around hit it off so well that now his Dishonor is going into denial, telling everyone that the meeting was only a quickie. Knowing Sheen as well as Georgia Jones, 3 minutes sounds about right.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here’s the Bar None artist’s rejection of what partying with Antonio Villaraigosa would be like.
TMZ posted this picture and claimed it was Charlie Sheen giving money to the poor.
Bullshit. This is the poor giving money to Charlie Sheen. The dude on the ground saw the Sheener and said, “You look like a sober Roy Orbinson brah, go buy yourself some inebriation and clothes that don’t hurt my eyes so much.”
Don’t let the shot above fool you or go ahead, i really can’t be bothered to give that much of a shit. What i mean is that this week’s (and i use the term “week” as loose as Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ scratch-and-sniff after a night at the YMCA sponsored Greco-Roman hot tub wrestling festival) dregs are settling more on the men than the women. But you know me—and if you don’t you’re not reading this ’cause you got raptured—i won’t settle for that so i spent gobs of time and gobs of effort to pretty this post up a little. Still, the theme of this week is firmly Junk Male.
Here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated a little to my Male Order Bride Jonathan Rhys Meyers and ever so especially to Matthew Perry: Sad Brad Smith – Help Yourself
[Press 'Play' for "I'ma Go To Rehab"]
Celebrity Dregs: They are so Takei
Way up inside my “Junk Male” issue is the notion of Femi-men, because most of the ‘guys’ licking the bottom of the barrel (ooh, there’s a euphemism for you) this week are of questionable heterosexuality. This is why i talked about “They are so Takei” in the mini headline just right up there.
You know how i know actor George Takei (aka Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu) is gay? ‘Cause he married a man.
Plus he keeps telling people about it all the time.
It seems that in some state in the USA they call Tennessee, it could soon be against the law to mention in schools that homosexuality exists. Ironic, considering i’m not even sure Tennessee exists but there you go. Anyway, this has become known as the “Don’t Say Gay” law there, so George Takei with all his interplanetary diplomacy skills has suggested we replace the word “Gay” with “Takei”. Don’t believe me? Check this shit out:
[Pressing 'Play' doesn't necessarily mean you're Takei.]
Everyone and their therapist knows that the Bar None maintains a very strict “No Haters” policy and, as such, homosexuals are super welcome. Hell, some of our best gays are friends. In keeping with this tradition, i plan to discuss homosexuality so much that everyone will say this issue of the dregs is gay. Really gay. Some people may even say this is the gayest Dregs ever.
I feel an ass kickin' coming on. Where's the nearest airport?
Starting things off, here’s Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who i would have homosexual sex with if he ever became a man. The only thing hard about this guy is his drinking, ‘s what i’m saying.
This is the man who was arrested in 2009 for getting drunk in a Paris airport and beating up the waiter who intervened when Meyers started a fight with the bartender who cut him off. Before that in 2007, he was arrested for public drunkenness in a Dublin airport. Dude, if you get busted for public drunkenness in France and Ireland (public drunkenness in Ireland is a crime!? Who knew!?), for fuck’s sake stay out of goddamn airports.
Footage from the Paris Bust
Guess what, his suppressed homosexuality reared its ugly head in an airport again a couple weeks ago when, while waiting for a flight in a JFK bar, he pounded vodkas like man-holes until he wasn’t allowed to get on the plane because he was already flying. He pitched a hissy fit so hard his proxy boyfriend girlfriend screeched, “It’s either the boobs or the booze, you choose.” He, or course, chose the beard [AlKHallism: Thanks to Miss D for the vocab lesson] because he’s not ready to come out to himself yet. To prove my point, he went into rehab to shut her up. Unfortunately, he has better luck staying in the closet than a clinic because he left after 10 days for “business” reasons which really means “I’m gay and it’s no one’s business.”
P.S. He has flunked rehab four times.
P.P.S. If you don’t believe he’s really Takei, you’re gonna wanna scroll down and look around my drawers, where i keep the visual proof.
Another dude trying to drown the Takei inside him clawing to get out is Rick Springfield, who sang in the 80′s (yes, he was that gay), “I wish that I was Jesse’s girl”. Or something. Springfield was so obviously Takei that all the little girls loved him because their little cloven hearts could get all mushy without fear of actually being penetrated.
Rick Springfield Mug Shot
He got busted for DUI is why i’m writing about him. On May Day (that’s how i know he’s gay), he was pulled over for a traffic violation in LA or some place with the same spelling and cops smelled booze on his breath. He bombed the field sobriety tests and blew (he was very good at blowing) 0.10 and 0.08 on the BAC which was enough for a free trip to the pokey. The non-gay kind.
You have got to listen to this: The Partridge Family – We Gotta Get Out Of This Place
Another teen idol who was Takei enough to collect crushes like pansies on a daisy chain is David Cassidy who had his own TV show with the hotter and much more masculine Susan Dey. “Dey” which rhymes with…Takei. Anyway, he got popped too, just like Rickie, for DUI. Only his was back in February (maybe he popped prematurely?) so he already got sentenced to community service because 1) he got judged by famous people law (which is very different from the law you and i have to obey) and 2) the judge was afraid Cassidy would enjoy being a prisoner too much for it to be counted as punishment.
He pleaded “No Contest” which is legal-speak for “I can’t think of good enough bullshit to fool a jury”. The punishment for this is writing “I was a naughty naughty boy” 500 times on a billboard or some other shit as equally tame.
My favorite part of this crime was looking up pictures of young 60′s idol Susan Dey, which i’ve included in the drawers, down below.
Another guy with a TV show is Ricardo Chavira who’s in Desperate Housewives as Carlos somebody and he got busted driving drunk and so what. So what is that in the TV show he plays Eva Longoria’s character’s husband which is close enough for me to do an exposée on Eva Longoria. Which looks something like this.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
As if that wasn’t enough, there are more shots of her in my drawers.
But back to Ricardo. Here’s the down and dirty (that’s what Jonathan Rhys Meyers said): Rick “The Dick” Springfield beat him to the punch. (Sorry, Rhys, it’s a euphemism.) ‘Cause, like Ricky, Ricardo 1) was nabbed in LA 2) for a traffic violation when 3) officers smelled booze on his breath and he 4) failed the field sobriety test. The only way Ricardo rolled the other way was in refusing blood and breath tests, which is actually the right decision if you’re wasted.
What i like most about this guy is that every fucking picture of him looks like a mug shot. Google his ass (and his face) all over the place, nearly every pap shot of him looks like it was taken during booking. Makes it super easy on the police and me too, because this mughsot i’m posting is not the real mug shot but is from some event that didn’ t include community showers.
Chandler Bing, who some people know by his real life name of Matthew Perry, is going back to rehab. He already went once in 1997 and once in 2001 for his problems with prescription pills (bo-ring) and booze (yay!!!!!!!!!!). The good news is, he didn’t relapse, he just thought it’d be a good idea to go back to treatment before the shit hit the fan. He preemptively moved his ass away from the fan, i’m saying. (Rhys, back your ass away from the fan this instant.) Here’s how he put it (that’s what Rhys said),
“I’m making plans to go away for a month to focus on my sobriety and to continue my life in recovery. Please enjoy making fun of me on the World Wide Web.”
Only problem is, i’m trying to make fun of him but i can’t think of anything funny to say. Bastard. i mean, what’s fun about a star who realized he had problems, sought help for them and is continuing to ensure he doesn’t relapse? How am i supposed to mock this!? Fucker. All i’ll say is that it’s a damn good thing no one else in the industry is as rational and down to earth as Perry otherwise i wouldn’t have anything to write about.
Bree Olson, AKA Charlie Sheen’s #winning #Goddess, drove her Lexus into a tree in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The cops on the scene had her blow and she blew it, 0.19% to be precise, which is more than double the 0.08% drunk you’re allowed to be when you drive. This was last February and since then the court told her she can have two days in June to defend herself.
Bree Olson and Charlie Sheen's Future
What the hell is her strategy gonna be? She blew 0.19! She might get away with pleading insanity after she proves she gave up porn to be one of Charlie Sheen’s #Goddess’s. Or maybe “Self Defense” if she can prove she was trying to kill herself before she hurt herself driving drunk. (It’s a blonde thing.) It’ll be easy as her pie to prove it wasn’t premeditated because she has no brain. (Sorry, Bree! Sometimes i let my rabid wit get away from me.)
Bree Olson Mug Shot
Maybe the drawer shots will make up for my slight slight. Scroll all the way down and let me know what you think.
Lula is as premature as they come. Joining the ranks of Miley Cyrus and Emma Roberts, say hello to 17-year-old Tallulah Belle Willis, daughter to some guys named Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. She was “cited” for underage drinking, which means she got a verbal tongue lashing, after she stumbled drunk out of a car in Hollywood (and so would i). She and her big hairy posse of 2 girls were carrying 2 bottles of hard alcohol so the cops took her in. Because she’s a minor, they had to call an adult to pick her up at the station. i would of loved for that to be Ashton Kutcher but, like i said, it had to be ab adult so Demi did it.
It’s not like this was the first time, either. Check out this picture:
This is Tallulah holding ice water. Only problem is she was drinking the water because she was drunk and smoking cigarettes. And 15 years old. At Scout Willis’s 18th birthday bash. Willis’s motto? Die Hard but Party Harder.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here is my evidence supporting the case that Jonathan Rhys Meyers is Takei.
Jonathan Rhys Meyers walking to the Bar None
Eva Longoria in the Bar None (kinda)
Bree Olson in the Bar None with Charlie Sheen
Bree Olson in the Bar None (look in the lower right corner, if you're eyes will go that low)
[AlKHallism: i'm honored to have a guest poster today... Barmaids and beerhounds, i present Bats from THE SHE CHRONICLES. As a bipolar, recovering alcoholic i felt she was uniquely qualified to comment on Charlie Sheen's decision to combat bipolarity and, goddess bless her, she agreed to share her perspectives on it for us. Please treat her with every drop of the love and respect you've spilled over me by visiting her site, liking this post and leaving a comment. With no further a-don'ts, i give you Bats and...]
Bats Pacing: Charlie Sheen, He’s BiSomething
We’ve known Charlie Sheen like this:
Enjoyed him like this:
Wondered about him like this:
Experienced him like this:
And now we all have concerns about him like this:
Tell me this man doesn’t freak you out? I have major respect for Charlie Sheen. I mean, shit, as a teenage girl I had posters on my wall of this man and trust me when I say a teenage girl can lust after Charlie Sheen. You put me in a room with him and five minutes later I swear I’d be sweating profusely and have the best orgasmic experience of my life, just by looking at him.
He’s grown old now, physically I mean. Everytime I hear of him in the news I think, “Phew, he’s not dead yet.” Sooner or later the alcohol, cocaine, goddesses and late nights were going catch up to him and, well, is it safe yet to say that it has? Because it has. Is he Bipolar? I don’t have a PhD but, shit man, if it hangs like a Bat, smells like a Bat, and sucks blood like a Bat; doesn’t that mean it’s a fucking Bat?
So when I discovered that Charlie Sheen had come out as being “BiWinning”, it didn’t surprise me but he still assures his fans and audiences that he is not Bipolar. Charlie sweetie, it’s okay to be Bipolar. It just means you are REALLY fucking happy to hear from trolls! And REALLY fucking sad when they go.
So now we get a chance to see Charlie like this:
At least he’s doing something positive for the Bipolar community, hell he’s got the funds and swagger to pull this shit off. Who knew Charlie Sheen had to start talking to trolls about phones before the mental health community got the attention it rightfully deserves? I have to give him a pat on the back over this publicity stunt, and lets face it, that’s what it is in the end; just Charlie Sheen needing the approval of his fans so he knows in his Bipolar Disordered mind that he is still sought after, he needs everyone to be his “Yes Men” or women in whichever case. I think he is so strung out on Bipolar Thoughts that he is bored to be near himself and his Torpedo Tour isn’t doing too bad but again I think he knows he’s a dying out fad and his balloon is popping. I wish I could sit in the room with him for five minutes, have my orgasm and then try to understand why he so doesn’t like Charlie anymore. Sad really because I still really like Charlie, Bipolar or not. I don’t like his violent episodes but sometimes we feel frustrated and ourselves are the last ones we take it out on.
High Five Charlie on being BiWinning and BiWalking baby! I hope he’ll come to the USA and do a BiWalk because hell we have a major dilemma in this country over what to do with mental health disorders and many don’t even believe Bipolar exists.
[Press 'Play' for the Charlie Sheen Apocalypse Me theme song: Carlos Santana - #Winning]
My Flow Alcoholics,
For those of you sober enough to notice or drunk enough to care, my title has officially changed to Temporal Functional Alcoholic Slurperson. As i failed at functioning and quit being a practicing alcoholic (and with all that practicing you’d a thought i’d have gotten it down by now), i feel i am no longer qualified to hold the position i so ceremoniously elected myself to last year and to which y’all cared about me enough not to put up a stink.
My fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited), members of the D Generation (i.e. Drinking Generation), i humbly nominate as my replacement the ONE and ONLY #Winning-est somebitch of all time, Charlie Sheen. Through these last few weeks Charlie Sheen has proved time and time again that he understands that fine balance between alcoholism and functioning. And winning.
Charlie? If you’re reading this, we here at the Bar None raise our glasses and ask that you become the new International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (FASe). Basically the job entails doing nothing other than drinking and speaking your peace. And wasting trolls (but without hating too much, as there’s a strict No Hating policy here at the Bar None).
For those of you in support of this movement, please be so kind as to cut and paste the following to your Twitter: @charliesheen Please become our new Functional Alcoholics Slurperson http://wp.me/pAchc-2ke #winning #fastball #tigerblood #AlKHall #BarNone
[Press 'Play' for an Alkie nominated song from the juiced-box: The Doors - Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar) Live in Boston (1970)]
Good Evening. You know why y’all remind me of bathrooms? Because you’re ladies and gents, but forgive me for my potty mouth. Welcome to the Rehab Center For Autists here in downtown Yeman. It’s i, Al K Hall, temporal International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson and your humble Masturbates Ceremoniously, coming to you still alive to present tonight’s 2nd Anal bArCADEMY AwkWARDS [AlKHallism: Click here for a reruns of last year's cere-moaning].
i’d like to welcome those of you who’ve made it back from last year and to welcome the newbeers. i remember my first time—wait, no i don’t, actually. Memory…forget about it. Why is it you can only remember the things you don’t want to? You can’t for the life of you remember what was so attractive about that person at the party who was so ugly they had to shave their asses and walk around backwards to look better, but you’ll never in your life forget the smell of the shame when looking at the hairy sack of bile sloshing beside you when you wake up the next morning. What did i want to say? Right, i keep forgetting that i have good memory.
Alright, enough monologuing. There are plenty of other things that involve mono and they are much more clothing discouraged than this thing. Besides, all these jokes sound funnier in my head and the other voices there appreciate the humor much more than y’all. You should see all the clap i got going on up there…
Just like last year, we’ll be honoring alcohol in the movies and awarding the coveted Alkie statuette for outsitting (because who the fuck can be bothered to stand?) use of booze in the movies since last year’s orgy of pride.
Ladies first, so let’s get the rock rolling with theBest Drunk Actress award. To present the Alkie, we’ve had Tara Reid delivered. Why can’t Tara Reid? Because she’s fuckin’ drunk! Seriously everyone, i’m proud—and a little dizzy from the contact blonde—to introduce you to Tara Reid!
Tara Reid: Thanks so much, Al. I just wanted to say it’s an honor to be anywhere tonight. Like you paid me for, I’m giving away the Best Drunk Actress tonight, which means the chick who acts drunk best and not the actress who gets the most drunkenest. As I’ve just discovered. Here are tonight’s anomolies:
Julianne Moore as “Charley” in A Single Man
Winona Ryder as “Beth Macintyre” in Black Swan
Nathalie Portman as “Emma” in No Strings Attached
And the winner is… Winona Ryder as “Beth Macintyre” in Black Swan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dah dah dahdahdahdah dah dah dahdahdahdah dah dah dahdahdahdah My Winona! Congrats, babe. i’m so glad to see your come-back face. And what can you follow that with other than: the Best Drunk Actor award?
To present this year’s Alkie for the Best Drunk Actor in a Motion Sickness Picture, give it up more than even Tara Reid does for Jamie Foxx. What do Jamie Foxx and Santa Claus have in common? Ho Ho Hos…
Jamie Foxx: Ahh, dawg. You make me wanna rap you up, huh huh, rap you drunk huh huh. Rap the stuff? Uh-uh. Rap you up huh huh, rap you up oh yeah, rap you drunk…
‘Ight, y’all. We’s got us some anomalies for Best Drunk Actor in da house; which is:
Jeff Bridges as “Bad Blake” in Crazy Heart
Colin Firth as “George” in A Single Man
Robert Downey Jr as “Tony Stark / Iron Man” in Iron Man 2
The envelope, yo, and you don’t want me to axe you twice. Oh no you don’t. And the Best Drunk Actor is…
Jeff Bridges as “Bad Blake” in Crazy Heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh man, that Jeff Bridges. Basically he spent all last year drunk in movies and i know you know how he got to “act” so good at drunk. I’ma shut up about that, though, ’cause i don’t wanna burn any Bridges.
What’s a lot more fun is to ease on down the road trip to Best Drinking Song in a Movie. Course you don’t wanna be easing down that road if my next presenter is driving on it. When he drives around he literally drives “around”, only problem is the road is straight. Certainly shitloads straighter than…Vince Neil!
Vince Neil: Thanks a lot, kids. Man, sorry I’m so late but there were all these speed bumps running around the road as I was swerving through the school crossing. I’m shit faced to be here tonight and present the abominations for Best Drinking Song in a Movie. You already heard the first one at the top of our show— “Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)” by the Doors in When You’re Strange– and so here’s the second one that you don’t really have to listen to because it didn’t win anyway. Landon Pigg featuring Turbo Fruits doing “High Times” from Bliss.
As predicted, the winner is The Doors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To wrap things up tonight, i’ve got big big fuckin’ news for you. Tonight isn’t about winning and losing, it’s about #winning. And getting drunk, but especially #winning with a hash mark, babes, and emphasis on the hash. Tonight’s presenter of Best Drunk Motion Picture is no longer part of 2½ Men because he’s a man and a half. Let’s here you make some noise louder than a train wreck for THE MAN, @Charlie Sheen!
Charlie Sheen: #Winning! #TigerBlood! #Winning #tigerblood. The abonominations for Best Drinking Movie of 2010 are:
And there you have it, another year of bArCADEMY AwkWARDS put to bed harder than Miley Cyrus stoned on Saliva. i’d like to congratulate you all for sticking with this all the way to the end and remember, you’re all #winners in my book. Course i threw up on that book in my last binge, so there you have it. Or not.
Thanks for patronizing me, Barmaids and Beerhounds…
NOT from the juiced-box but appropriate for the post: Huey Lewis & The News – Workin’ For A Livin’
My Fellow Alcoholics,
Al K Hall, your International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (FASe) addressing you, members of the Drinking Generation, concerning Functional Alcoholism in the office.
The subject popped up, not unlike my zipper during a Keira Knightley film festival, because of the Charlie Sheen drama that’s been floating around in the dregs these last couple weeks. (Like here, or here, or here.) Apparently he didn’t show up on the set for the filming of Two And A Half Men Monday or Tuesday last February 22 & 23—and the fact that he was absent on Monday wasn’t that unusual. This is how famous i wanna be, so famous that if i don’t show up for work for two days because of a binge, no one says anything.
Which means that, yes, i have a job other than maintaining this my humble Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker. Believe it or not, with the millions of dollars flooding in every day into The Bar None, i still have to hold down a day job. (After all, how much cover did you have to pay to get in here? Do you see any ads cluttering up the walls?)
i’ll have been working at the same company for 18 years come April 1st (no kidding). It’s not the best place for a guy who works at drinking hard, what with about 3 business lunches a week including all the wine i can drink plus a cocktail party every Friday evening with a fully stocked bar of beer, whiskey, vodka, gin and mixers.
Not that my drinking has gone unnoticed. i’ll try to recap the highlights for you, but y’all gotta remember it’s been 18 years…
–> First couple of years, i was just considered a guy who liked to live large
–> The powers that be laughed off my first few Friday night binges
–> After that, i started getting the rep of a guy who liked to unwind a little farther than the next employee; the first time the COO talked to me about my drinking, she told me she understood i needed to cut loose but i should remember not to cut loose too often or hard
–> One time i went to a post-lunch business meeting drunk and the clients were pissed off (and not in a good way)
–> About that same period, my boss called me into her office because the company’s employee representative told her i should be sent to rehab at the company’s expense; my boss and i both agreed my drinking wasn’t that extreme a problem
–> One day i finished work after lunch so drank a little more than usual during the meal; instead of going home i went to a corner bar, drank even more, then returned to the office, mistook one client for another and talked to him for five full minutes without realizing my error before my boss came and led me away
–> In recent months, my business lunches have been reduced to 1 a week
–> Friday night’s have been better because Miss Demeanor is here, i have the kids every weekend and i no longer associate with one of my associates who is also a permanent fixture at company functions
Taking the chair in my own defense (simply because i’m too drunk to stand), let me say this:
–> My boss adored me for the first couple years; while i’ve since fallen out of flavor with her, she still admires my mad skills
–> In my entire life and three jobs, i’ve only called in sick because of a hangover once and that was 22 years ago
–> i am good at what i do; i’m in the top five of a 30+ team (that’s not boasting, just honesty)
–> i am very popular with a majority of the clients; in customer service questionnaires, i consistently receive rave reviews
–> i love my job and that counts. A lot.
The bottom line here is the same one i drew in my Bottomless Pitt post, where i analyzed relationships through the eyes of a functional alcoholic.
There comes a time when you have to make a decision and when even not deciding is making a decision. You have to decide what’s more important, your drinking or your job. If you choose the booze, then i hope you live long enough to find a career you can feel passionate about. If you choose your job then, like in any loving relationship, you have to make some sacrifices.
Here are some things that work for me and might work for you:
i don’t drink on week nights if i have to wake up early the next day (my job has hours that are not flexible but change daily)
i don’t keep any booze in the house and only buy what i’ll consume that night (laziness is stronger than my need to go out and buy more)
i only buy my limit (my limit is a bottle of wine—if i drink just that i know i’ll be functional the next day)
If i drink too much at lunch, i stay out of the boss’s way
i don’t usually drink with coworkers (i drink at home: it’s cheaper, safer and less embarrassing)
Or you could be the kind of famous where they don’t care if you show up for work or not.
And that’s enough for tonight, i think i’ll retire for the evening.
This post is dedicated to Jabba da Butt, who left a comment on my bArCADEMY AwkWARDS post. He pointed out that, while he appreciated the hot girls i often escort into The Bar None, it’d been awhile since i last posted a sordid drinking blog for those of us in here struggling with alcohol.
And he was right. My Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker was meant to address my functional alcoholism with the hopes that there were people out there who would either appreciate and identify with my plight, or at least have a good time laughing at me if they didn’t.
So this one’s for you, members of the D-Generation and fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved, Now Known as Exiles Reunited). If you got something out of this post, you could always leave a comment sharing a moment with us when your drinking interfered with your work. Or you could simply say that this sincerity is more than self-serving (’cause i got a lot of practice at that) and that you do actually read these treatises.
Or you could tell me to shut up and post more babes. i’d understand that, too.
Beer dregs this week, y’all. We got drunk German Protestants, a sword wielding mother, drunk monkeys, cures for alcoholism brewing, a smoking DWI, the Sheen family needing rehab from rehab, the Canadian hockey team’s beer on ice, drunk cops, Playmate butt cleavage, the girls of Lost and kegs more fun…
From the juiced-box and dedicated to Margot Kaessmann: Joe Raphael & Die Party Singers – Biertrinkers Lieblingsmelodien
Don’t you hate it when you’re in elementary school and your mom gets drunk and threatens to cut people as she runs through your school’s corridors waving a sword? A second grader in Memphis sure does. Some little girl spit on our little girl, so our girl’s mom went to the school to exact revenge after pounding a 40 oz Colt 45. Coulda been worse, 32-year-old Toni price could’ve been packing a Colt instead of just drinking one.
Speaking of stellar mothers… What do you do if your mom leaves you and your siblings alone to take off for the bar? You follow her. Sandy Bellanger’s (38) 14-year-old drove to the bar with his 4-year-old sister and 2-year-old brother in the car to beg their mom to come home. She refused. She told him to drive back home. The cops stopped him for driving erratically, and while they were interviewing him his mom pulled up with her ride (who was driving without a license, failed to appear on a previous DWI, and was carrying weed). Sandy was busted for being a bad mom (letting an unlicensed minor drive, improper supervision of a minor, and child endangerment) as well as having an open container in a motor vehicle. Sounds like a candidate for drug therapy…
Apparently, alcoholism is getting out of the gutter and swimming deep enough in the mainstream that drug labs are going to start milking us. i’m not gonna give you all the boring details (click the link if you care) but, in a shotglass, docs are screwing around with drugs that’ll dam our desire to drink, make us feel like swamp muck, or water down our withdrawal symptoms. i have a full bottle of Disulphiram, the drug that gives you an instant hangover while depriving you of the booze buzz, but i’ve never tried it: i seem to be functioning well-enough on love (for Miss Demeanor). My only remark is that there are two kinds of alcoholics, those physically addicted and those mentally addicted and a “cure all” sounds too easy. Plus, we have to want to give up the booze bad enough to pop the pills.
The picture below is home brewed. Click on it and it’ll take you to my drink recipe for Medesin.
Here’s a guy straight out of The Bar None. Richard Fodrie (34) took cops on a high speed chase, getting up to over 100 mph on the freeway, until he finally pulled over. Why didn’t Dick pull over in the first place? He told the cops it was because he knew he was going to jail and wanted to get one last smoke in.
Zhora, a Russian circus monkey, retired to a zoo. Proving once again that monkeys are our close cousins, after he fathered several monkey kids he started smoking and drinking beer. He got hooked and began bugging passers-by for a fix, much like an unemployed father on the street. Unlike a human suffering from the same problems, however, he was sent to a rehab facility and not jail. i’m not sure this was completely necessary, as experience has shown me all you need to do is spank the monkey from time to time.
Not as exciting as you might think. Dayton, Ohio cops volunteered to get drunk so their fellow officers could practice breathalyzers and field sobriety tests. One of the few times a hangover counts as a work related accident.
“Pop Bishop”, 51-year-old Margot Kaessmann, head of Germany’s 25 million protestants was pulled over for drunk driving after running a red light. She clocked in at more than 3 times the legal limit which puts her at over 0.24% (click here to get the details about BAC). Holier than no one, the ‘high’ priestess resigned.
Here’s another song from the juiced-box, dedicated to Margot: Will Glahe & His Orchestra – Auf Wiederseh’n Sweetheart
The upside to all this is it gives me an excuse to exposé German girls.
Exclusive Scoop! Rehab centers in Cali celebrate the opening of the Sheen Revolving Doors, funded by Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller.
‘Member how in last week’s dregs i talked about how Charlie wasn’t gonna go to rehab, no no no? Well, it appears my article made him see the error of his ways because he decided to get drunk despite the risk of returning to court. Then he decided to go to rehab. It was a crazy week in the Sheen household, and TMZ was right there with them.
Lindsay Lohan was interviewed by The Sun and talked about booze enough to get a mention in the Dregs for a record of something like the third week running. Here’s what she had to say about alcohol:
I’m allowed to drink now but I know my limits. There are certain situations where I have obligations. There’s no reason to (drink) because I don’t want to feel like s**t in the morning. I’ve now learned my boundaries and I’ve been very good with cleaning house with people who I know didn’t have my best intentions at heart. A lot of people in LA are very self destructive. Partying so hard simply isn’t worth it. Life is worth living and there is so much to do and experience, it’s wonderful.
Some chick named Vicki Gunvalson from some show called The Real Housewives of Orange County got drunk and did a nasty. This 47-year-old married mother of two spent a night getting wasted and making out with a 25-year-old college kid.
Some ex-Playboy bunny named Nicole “CoCo” Austin got this picture stripped from her MySpace page:
She seems to think it was because of the ass cleavage, i’m betting it’s because the photo includes an alcoholic drink. (Bet y’all didn’t see that unless you’re a woman or like musicals.) i’m gonna exposé CoCo here, but i just want to say i don’t get what the draw is. OK, sure there’s the natural gravitational draw of her massive globes, but are they really that sexy? Seriously? It’s like she’s got two heads growing out of her chest, for chrissakes. While they must be practical in a car accident, where does she put them when she eats? Nope, totally un-sexy. Give me a lovely lady with curves, not hemispheres, any day.
Seems Dominic Monaghan (Charlie from Lost) got drunk at a club called Voyeur in LA and grabbed a girl. He got thrown out and tried to sweet talk his way back in, but the bouncer told him to get Lost. You can see the video of this on my Facebook Page (and Friend Me! Please friend me!) or at TMZ Video. The moral of the story is this, if the place is called “Voyeur”, touch with your eyes not your hands.
Which gives me a good enough reason to exposé the girls from Lost.
Hayden's Not The Only One Lickin' The Dregs This Week
This week at the bottom of the dregs we got a fallen hero, a visit from Lindsay, Pete looking petered, Charlie Sheen’s wife in rehab, Charlie Sheen not in rehab, Emma Roberts smarter than you think, Dita Von Teese in her cups, Jesus’trail of broken beer bottles, why you can’t pee in Rio and oh so many more things that aren’t my fault.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to Hayden Panettiere: Ron Hacker – I Got Tattooed
This 45-year-old in Bunnell, Florida drove herself to the local prison for a conjugal visit with her homey-away-from-home. Only problem was, she was late for her visitation pass. Only other problem was the jail doesn’t allow conjugal visits. The real problems started when she came back a short time later and the deputies realized she was totally drunk. They called the road patrol who found her sitting in the car in the parking lot. She failed every test they threw at her: field test, breath test and she had a BAC of 0.256%. She was arrested, but the cold hearted bastards wouldn’t even throw her drunk ass in the same cell as her jail-mate—the babe had to go home and work release in solitary.
You can be arrested for peeing in Rio. Seems years past, revelers got liquored up and found sweet relief just about anywhere to the point the gutters were rivers of liquid gold. Well, not anymore. To stem the primrose tide, city officials are fining and even arresting main vein drainers. At last-call, 77 golden showerers were cut off.
i tried to find a way to make this funny, god knows i did, but there just isn’t anything funny about it. Nathan Lewis (21), of Lewiston (no relation, i’m guessing), Idaho got himself hitched on a Sunday. That afternoon, he got popped like K-Mart champagne for D&D, which is lingo for Drunk & Disorderly, not Dungeons & Dragons. So I. M. Redneck gets out on bail and then goes home and gets busted again, this time for domestic violence because he beat up on his new wife. Arrested twice on his wedding night, that’s how you know when the honeymoon’s over.
Jesus Perez (26) got drunk in Massachusetts, like everyone else in the freakin’ state, but made the mistake of driving into 6 parked cars. But even that doesn’t set him apart from the rest of the Massachewtards. He’s smarter than the average christ ’cause when he fled the scene, he grabbed his case of Heineken. He failed as beer savior, though, ’cause there was a hole in the case and he kept losing bottles that smashed on the ground behind him as he ran. All the police had to do to arrest him was follow the trail of broken glass. Handsful & Cretin: a truly Grimm fairytale.
i normally avoid anything that has to do with drugs because the scope of this blog is already wide enough, but y’ll made me change my mind by hitting Celebrity Dregs Of The Weeks: Nov 30 – Dec 13 a freaking 77 times last Saturday. And it was all about Brian Bonsall. i tried to figure out why this old post received so much attention and uncovered that Brian recently got busted for ‘openly’ smoking weed in Boulder, Colorado (which is as astonishing as drinking in Massachusetts, eh Jesus?) while on parole for drunkenly beating up his buddy with a barstool. Anyway, here’s the mug shot, fresh with new tats for the occasion.
In news that has nothing to do with tattoos, seems that while his wife, Brooke Mueller, went to rehab for an addiction to crack cocaine, the rest of the world was hinting Charlie should follow her lead and check himself in for his alcoholism. Basically, he said screw that noise, despite admitting to having a drinking problem in the past. And despite having a sober coach with him on Christmas Eve, just before roasting his chestnuts on an open, booze fueled fire and then getting arrested for going at Brooke. This denial proves once and for all the old adage that, “You can lead a ho to alcohol but you can’t make him think.”
Stripper Dita Von Teese found a way to get her ex-husband Marilyn Manson out of Evan Rachel’s Woods: Bathe in gin. Unfortunately, Evan is hotter, so the gin’ll only work if Manson drinks the whole, giant glass and he’d only do that if it wasn’t tainted by Von Teese’s huge, giant Dita. Plus, even if he did, he’d be too drunk to do anything with anyone anyway.
After last week’s thrashing about abusing alcohol by throwing vodka at her gal-pal Sam Ronson, Lindsay tried to sneak her way back into my good graces. This time, she decided to blow off a DUI hearing in Beverly Hills so she could party in London. Here’s a shot of her coming out of a London club at 4:30am, the morning of her trial. Say what you will, she looks one hell of a lot better than Pete Doherty.
In fact, Lohan didn’t have to be in court, her lawyer’s got her BAC. Her presence was optional because she’s been attending alcohol education classes, as scheduled. See that picture up there? That’s her leaving an all night cramming session.
A guy from Heroes named Adrian Pasdar (who played a guy named Nathan Petrelli) was officially charged for drunk driving after being busted for doing 90 on the freeway on January 27. Yeah, i care as little as you do, but at least it gives me an excuse to exposé Hayden Panettiere.
Click On Image For Wallpaper Size
Finally, why the song about Tattoos at the beginning? ‘Cause Hayden wins The Bar None’s irony award this week. Here’s her tattoo:
It reads: Vivere senza rimipianti.
It means: Live without regrets [in Italian].
It’s ironic: One wonders if she lives without regretting the spelling mistake. There’s an extra “i” in “rimpianti”.
As your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to serve up some good advice. For example, don’t follow the example of Daniel Mahoney. Even though the 40-year-old from New Port Richey, Florida was driving with a broken front axle, police caught up with him only after he’d crashed into a fence and was sitting on his back bumper. (Hey, i’m not the one who’s gonna say the police are slow.) As the cops approached him, he said, “I’ll be honest with you. I’ve had too much to drink tonight and I hit a pole.” Tip 1: Don’t be honest with cops. They gave him a field sobriety test and then a breathalyzer (he blew around 0.16%). As they were slapping on the cuffs he told the arresting officers, “I’ve been drinking and driving for twenty years and never got caught.” Tip 2: Try not to brag how long it’s been since you last pulled a DUI.
Here’s something else you shouldn’t do when you get pulled over:
Fred Campbell, 54, is an all around great grandfather. By drinking and driving with his 2-year-old grandson on his lap, he was simultaneously teaching the tot how to drive, drink, and drive drunk. Unfortunately, the police officer who pulled him over for a broken taillight didn’t agree with me. Campbell came away with a BAC of 0.13%. He pulled a DUI and Reckless Endangerment, which’ll probably give him a year behind bars (and not the good kind), but that doesn’t count breaking parole for a murder charge. Oops. Here’s what Fred said, and you shouldn’t, when you get pulled over: “Yeah, I’ve drunk six or seven beers.” Babes, if you’re gonna lie, lie big. Also don’t say, “The cold beer there is the one I was drinking while I was driving.” If i were him, i woulda said it was the kid’s.
You know what i love about Brits? They’re always looking for good excuses to justify their binge drinking. The latest news out of the UK shows that beer is good for building strong bones and preventing osteoporosis (sounds like “Hottie, Poor Ol’ Sis”). Add this to my list of Reason Why i Drink #3: For My Health.
Some guy in a Wisconsin ski area was so drunk he decided to steal an ambulance. Could be worse, and it was. Seems the patient and the paramedics were all in the vehicle while the guy drove around the parking lot.
‘Member last time about how Julia Laack took her clothes off in front of her kids and the cops so they wouldn’t arrest her? Well, Kenneth Hook (41, Prescott Valley AZ) explored a variant on this theme. He got busted for drunk driving by a K9 officer (that’s one fast freaking dog) and told the cop he had a seizure disorder so the cop took him to a local hospital. The cop left to get some police work done (read: Search for donuts and hit on night nurse) he saw Hook running out of the ambulance entrance in only his hospital gown. Dude sprints across the parking lot, runs into a barbed wire fence and when he flips over it, his robe gets torn off. So he sprints naked across the field until the officer catches up to him and takes him down. This gives new meaning to ‘Rip Torn’.
Tell you what, it’s getting harder and harder to defend. What’s not to like? She’s young, parties hard, didn’t let rehab get to her and she’s hot. Yes, i said she’s hot. Told you i was one of the few remaining bloggers who’s got the girl’s BAC. After her latest stunt, though, it’s getting tricky to stick up for her. This time, she’s abused alcohol, and not in the good way. Seems she was at a club to see her on again / off again and then on again and then off and back on and off and on and off and on and off, faster, faster, yes yes YES! girlfriend, Samantha Ronson.
See! Sexy young bisexual alkie! What more could a guy want?
Anyway, while at the bar, Lindsay was drinking vodka straight out of the bottle and trying to get Sam’s attention. Sam wasn’t playing that tune, so Lindsay confronted her and Sam threw a “Why don’t you have another drink?” in her face. So Lindsay picked up a drink and threw that up in her face. Like i was saying, alcohol abuse. Least she coulda done is hit her with the bottle (after putting the cap back on, of course).
Back on Christmas Day last year, Charlie Sheen was busted after Brooke Mueller called 911 to say “Merry Christmas, Charlie Sheen is kicking my ass.” She blew 0.13% (at 8:30 a.m. Xmas morning) later kinda recanted but that didn’t stop the hammer from falling on Charlie. And fall it did. A judge has said that, before the trial in March, he cannot possess firearms or harass Brooke. No biggie. Get this, though: He isn’t allowed to drink alcohol! Auuugghhhhh! Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.
End of last month, Ronnie Wood felt what was like to be a teen again by picking up a few.
He got toasted and partied hard enough to justify Keith Richards’ decision to fall on the wagon. Yep, believe it or not Keith stopped drinking at about the same time. Seeing pictures of Ronnie wasted musta made the difference, especially as there are no sober pictures of Richards for him to compare against.
No real big news here. Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 41st birthday in Los Cabos, Mexico with Gerard Butler, Sheryl Crow, and Courtney Cox among others. They drank but there were no reports of any excesses. Still, gives me a good excuse to exposé Jennifer, and that’s 23 years overdue.
Courtney Cox And Some Fruity Drinks
A shout out to Miss Demeanor on this Valentine’s Day. She’s visiting a friend somewhere south and leaving me to my own devices, all three of them. The only thing i got to say is that her absence has only reinforced the certainty that i want to spend the rest of my life with her.