Booze Revooze: DARK SHADOWS

Dark Shadows Poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Donovan – Season of the Witch

[Press ‘Play’ for a fitting morsel]

So now i’m scurrying to throw this up online because i saw The Avengers way before y’all did and didn’t even know it so i could’ve had a jump on the world but instead the world jumped all over my ass. This time i checked my naughty list twice and saw we got Dark Shadows in Yeaman ahead of the States and i’m sure that Dark Shadows will be at least as successful in its opening weekend as The Avengers was and i hate to pull the same boner twice so i’m working late tonight in the Bar None for as long as it takes to get this served up.

Here are the “proof i saw it before you did” shots i got with my phone.

Michelle Pfeiffer - Dark Shadows still

Johnny Depp - Dark Shadows still

Ramblings: Headless Edward Sweeny Batman Shadows

Final Proof: 2½

You know how you get drunk with a puppeteer? He’s got his magic hands and can make the table come to life where bottles of wine become castle spires and pint glasses turrets standing over a moat of sloshed booze bearing coaster boats that traverse the morass of soggy cocktail napkins beneath swizzle stick lances battling the evil empties while ice cubes fade like ghosts that haunt the echo of “Last Call”. You drink in the scene with your eyes damp with surprise until you realize the puppeteer only has the one same story he’s borrowed from different sources but anyway you’re not meant to enjoy the tale but rather the way it’s told.

Dark Shadows Still, Johnny Depp

You know me—and if you don’t you should never stand that close without a condom or a gun—i like Tim Burton and i love Johnny Depp and i was talking to you about Chloë Grace Moretz [and i quote from October 2009: One pleasant surprise was the supporting role of Rachel, the lead guy’s younger sister, as portrayed by 12-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz. Her performance was solid, especially when considering her age. Keep an eye on her, she’s one to watch.] before i was cool and blah blah blah but you don’t care about that. You just want to know if you’re going to like it.

You won’t. You’ll pick on it like a bastard stepbrother you kind of feel sorry for and love a little but not enough to stand up against your friends who are so over Tim Burton. But you know what? It’s too bad you don’t like it because there’s a lot here to like.

Like the Tim Burton feel. Over the years he’s gotten richer and so has his toy boy Johnny Depp (who helped produce Dark Shadows) so they can afford to throw more into the special affects and costumes. Remember how we all loved the “cut with kindergarten scissors” cardboard style set design that littered Edward Scissorhands (arguably the only original thought Tim Burton ever had, and i say that as a fan, Tim) so much we even pretended to swoon over Winona Ryder’s blonde die job? Well, here it’s the same times ten and looks ten times better so much you don’t even really notice the dye jobs.

Eva Green, Dark Shadows still

The sets are great, the action is great because there’s lots of it and the story even moves pretty swiftly except where everyone gets tired at the end and the actors, holy shit, the actors are fucking amazing but then Burton always had one good eye for talented actors and you should see how his pal gal Helena Bonham Carter rocks the American Accent.

The downside is what all you guys are gonna focus on and that’s what pisses me off. It’s the same old actors and the same old Burton and the same old sets and the same old style and the same old same old but we like it, remember? How else do you think Burton got to become a cult icon? It was by making movies like this. So you may not leave the movie theater blown away like you were with Alice in Wonderland, but you will leave.

Before we get to the good shit, i gotta still keep carding my imaginary friend Chloë Grace Moretz who is still not older than 15 though she definitely does not act her age. Here, then, is my age appropriate tribute to a very talented and charming young actress.

Chloë Grace Moretz 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Chloë Grace Moretz 04 In the Bar None

Chloë Grace Moretz Next To People In The Bar None

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

First off, the actresses were all damn good and damn hot. Helena Bonham Carter was spot on with her performance but i’m not gonna dig into that well again for pictures because i’ve hit it so many times it’s starting to dry up. If you’re interested in seeing my reruns of the very beautiful Helena Bonham Carter, please peruse the link.

The real news in this movie is the beautiful French actress, Eva Green (31), who speaks English better than you, so chu’up. i thought she did a nice job and i know this because i wrote in my notes, “Eva Green does a nice job.” Mrs Demeanor disagreed, finding her accent so affected as to be off-putting which is fancy talk for, “She hates Eva Green for busting up Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis.” You be the judge. Do you see any talent here?

Eva Green 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

If this isn’t enough for you to decide, there’s always my drawers at the bottom. Just scroll down til you hit the drawer and reach for the knob.

Also in Dark Shadows is the sinfully pretty Bella Heathcote (24) who gets bonus pretty points because she comes from Australia where, by law, the women are hot even in winter. Don’t believe me? What about now…

Bella Heathcote 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i’ve got some shots of her stuffed in my drawers as well. Reach around in there, you’ll get a hold of them.

Finally, there’s the ageless beauty of she by whom all beauty is judged and you know i mean Michelle Pffeieffer Fifer Fpeiffer Pfiffer Pfeiffer (54). She’s got this thing fashion model photographers call “good boner structure”. [Oh yes, i did just go there.] Not only does she rock the role of Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, she looks good doing it. Damn good.

Michelle Pfeiffer 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

Pleasant surprise, there were even some Silken Butterflies here. Both of these young ladies played Hippy chicks and had us all clamoring for more Free Love because meat is getting so effing expensive.

Hippy Chick 1 was Sophie Kennedy Clark, from Scotland. Taste the Scotch. Feel the burn.

Sophie Kennedy Clark

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Hippy Chick 2 was the equally lovely Hannah Murray (22).

Hannah Murray

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are little samples of these sips in my drawer.

For those of you more into 5 O’clock Shadows, there was the man i would go gay for (as long as i didn’t have to kiss him and junk), Johnny Depp (48).

Johnny Depp 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Believe it or not and i don’t believe it myself, i put some shots of him in my drawers as well but it’s because they’re of him in the Bar None.

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

Helena Bonham Carter, Bella Heathcote, Dark Shadows Still

Not a lot to go on here. Helena Bonham Carter plays an alcoholic psychiatrist but it’s pretty stereotyped. She drinks all the time but we never see her drunk but in the mornings she always has a hangover. So there’s that and also the normal, standard references like:

  • HBC constantly drinking whiskey on the rocks
  • M Pfeiffer wine at dinner
  • Handyman drunk from a flask in the cornfield at night
  • HBC whiskey and milk for breakfast
  • Fishing Captain (Christopher Lee) with scotch in a scotch glass in the bar
Slurred speeches
Every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk.
–Dr. Julia Hoffman/Helena Bonham Carter

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

Alice Cooper, Dark Shadows

Definitely one of the best parts of the film. Set in 1972, Dark Shadows preys on those oldies but bloodies like the Donovan that heads this off but there’s also The Moody Blues – Nights In White Satin, The Carpenters – On Top Of The World, Elton John – Crocodile Rock, Black Sabbath – Paranoid, Iggy & the Stooges – I’m Sick Of You, and T Rex – Bang A Gong.

Also, there’s a cameo appearance by Alice Cooper herself who sings two tracks pseudo live. “No More Mister Nice Guy”, and this one.

[Press ‘Play’ for Alice Cooper – Ballad Of Dwight Fry]

Add to the real rock all the action crap they got flying all over the place and i think Dark Shadows really earned its 3½ shots.

dark-shadows-2012-johnny-depp-eva-green

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

  • Dan Curtis (television series)
  • Seth Grahame-Smith (screenplay)
  • John August (story)
  • Seth Grahame-Smith (story)

Directed by: Tim Burton

Dark Shadows cast

Starring

Michelle Pfeiffer – Elizabeth Collins Stoddard
Helena Bonham Carter – Dr. Julia Hoffman
Eva Green – Angelique Bouchard
Bella Heathcote – Victoria Winters / Josette DuPres
Chloë Grace Moretz – Carolyn Stoddard
Sophie Kennedy Clark – Hippie Chick 1
Hannah Murray – Hippie Chick 2
Johnny Depp – Barnabas Collins
Alice Cooper – Alice Cooper

Bottom Line

Did you not read what i said at the beginning? Johnny Depp helped fucking produce this movie and we like Johnny Depp in the Bar None so go and see this movie to support Johnny Depp especially because he’s pro’lly gonna be breaking up with Vanessa Paradis because she’s all Eva Green with jealousy about all the Dark Shadows Depp deep penetrated while erecting this tower of power.

Johnny Depp, Eva Green, Dark Shadows

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s all she wrote for the writing. No more gratuitous jocularity beyond this point; from here on out it’s all gratuitous semi-nudity.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of LET ME IN

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: David Bowie – Let’s Dance

[Press ‘Play’ to put on your red shoes and dance the blues]

Ramblings: I’m In

Final Proof: 4 Shots

4 shots

You know how you get drunk with a little girl on her 21st birthday? You promise yourself you won’t get drunk and fall in love and do whatever she asks and at the outset she tells you you’re not at all her type so you relax for an evening of drinking with a hot 21-year-old and there are no strings attached or wrapped around her finger, yet. Unfortunately for you she’s kind of dark and creepy because she senses that’s what you like best about her and the mystery is part of her charm because she knows exactly what it takes to bewitch you and she knows where your jugular beats so she enchants you by playing your game, drinking your drinks, saying what she knows you want her to say and the night ages far faster than she does as she sinks into your eyes, deeper with every drink and she lets slip a secret with each sip and each confession is more sinister than the last. She keeps feeding you more and more lines until you’re hooked long before you realize she was playing you but by then it’s too late because she’s caught you like the sucker fish you are and you wind up buying all her drinks, giving her your last cigarette and promising to help her hide a body. The last thing that you learn that night is young girls are vampires that charm you til you’re blind and then they suck you dry. Abby in Let Me In is exactly like that little girl.

i might as well be all up front with y’all and let you know i hesitated pouring a full 4th shot for this ’cause i was tempted to stop at 3½, but what can i say, i’m a tender bartender who’s a little buzzed and there’s a reason people like a drunk barkeep. Plus i’m a big fan of Chloë Grace Moretz who i tagged at the very beginning as someone to watch and she kicked so much ass in Kick Ass that i can afford to cut her a little slack on this one. Besides, i really did enjoy this movie a lot, so it’s not like i’m cheating or anything by rounding up.

One of the main problems i had with this was the beginning. It starts off with a flash forward—and if you haven’t heard me rant about what a poor excuse for story telling that is then you don’t want me to start now because i can go on all night about that shit—but even worse than the flash forward is that it’s an arty flash forward. There’s all kinds of closeups on obscure objects and fuzzy shots of you don’t know the hell what and weird angles and everything so you spend a couple minutes trying to remember if you’re drunk or hungover or what. Then you realize the film was a remake of a Swish (and i am the only one who knows Swiss and Swedish are the same?) movie and based on a Swish book so it’s pro’lly the director getting all foreign on your ass but hell, the people are speaking English so Matt Reeves shoulda made the movie American style.

Not that he screwed everything up and far from it or i wouldn’t have given Let Me In 4 shots. There’s something that distinguishes this particular vampire movie from the rest of the coven of vampire movies flying across the screens. Like the look and feel of Let Me In rocks, because believe you me there’s so much atmosphere in this film you can feel it and it feels authentic. It goes deeper than just your average horror film and concentrates more on that creepy, dark ambiance which really comes across like a puddle of absinthe spilling off the bar and onto your lap. You ever see Ang Lee’s The Ice Storm? There’s a lot more similarity between Let Me In and that movie than any Twi-Harder movie you can come up with.

One of the things that reminded me of a good movie like The Ice Storm was that Let Me In was set in the 80s. God knows why they chose the 80s when they coulda chosen a good decade but there you go. How do you make a movie look authentic? With the music of course. i’ll give you the blow by blow down below in the Rock and Roll section but let me just say two words to you: Culture Club. i know. Then there was some other 80s stuff i’m not smart enough to pay attention to so it’s a good thing i’m engaged to a woman as intellectual as Miss Demeanor who pointed out the haricuts weren’t very 80s because guys back then had hair parted in the middle and feathered and the guys in this movie had Bieber cuts. Still, there were some nice details like Rubik’s Cube, Ms PacMan being just released and the Now & Later candies that i remember so well i can almost taste them. More than that, though, was the overall look of the film felt like 25 years ago. The colors weren’t as bright back then, things weren’t as sharp as they are now and that’s the way they looked here. It was like Reeves made this movie on film he found from that time.

Before we move on, i’d love to get all rebel on your ass and separate myself from the rest of the reviewers by staking my own claim but i’m afraid i gotta tread on the same ground others have already done before me and no doubt tons better. What i’m babbling about is i gotta give a deep bow to the two main actors here who are just crazy talented for any freaking age. Kodi Smit-McPhee (Owen in the movie) is more talented at 14 than most of the actors at 40. And Chloë Grace Moretz…what else can i say about Chloë Grace that i haven’t already? Chloë Grace Moretz is the Meryl Streep of 13-year-olds. Speaking of how old they both aren’t, i gotta card their little butts here. Nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None, yo.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

[Press ‘Play’ for what we had to use for rock in the 80s: Blue Öyster Cult – Burnin’ For You]

Sex: 2 Shots

2 shots

OK, so there wasn’t a whole lot of sex going on here but at least there was a little flash of boob (and what a beautiful breast it was) and i’m so tired of seeing your freaking American movies with costumes that look like they were designed by the Amish.

An exception to this rule is the only woman we really get to see in the flesh, Owen’s neighbor Virginia (played lovely-ly by the charming Sasha Barrese – 29). We get to see her and her significant other sitting on the sofa, her in her robe and her friend slides his hand inside and her breast slips out through the slit.

Here’s the face attached to that lovely vision.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s a couple shots more of Sasha rattling around in my drawers down below.

You know who else gets to see the boob? Little Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee) because he’s quite the voyeur. There’s a kind of Rear Window vibe going on in Let Me In as far as Owen is concerned.

Silken Butterflies

Today’s Silken Butterfly is the amazing Cara Buono (39) who did a great job as Owen’s Mother. It was a hard role for her because Matt Reeves (who’s still the director i was talking about up there somewhere) decided to make Owen seem more alone / independent /cut-off by never showing his mother’s face. It’s all that much harder for us, the viewers, when you consider this is what we’re missing out on.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s more single shot of her in my drawers as well. Just keep strolling down til you find them.

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

2 shots

You wanna know why i’m being so nice giving Let Me In a couple shots when there wasn’t all that much drinking here? i hope so because i’m gonna tell you anyway. The reason is that the only drinking we get here is Owen’s mom, but she’s drinking in every shot we see her in. Like the first time we see her is at dinner and she’s pouring a glass and then, later in the movie she’s drinking it more and more and then in the last scene she’s in, she’s passed out on the sofa and there’s an empty glass on the table. Nicely done and as the booze plays a big part in defining her character, i’mma give the drink two solid shots.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

2 shots

This was another tricky call that was made all that much easier by the fact that the previous sections had 2 shots so it was easier for me to upload the image. The thing that was hard to peg here as far as the rock went was that the movie was set in the 80s, which was after rock had died and before punk resurrected it. So we had the Bowie, which i like, as well as the BOC and even a little Greg Kihn Band that i’ll serve up right here for you on the juice-box.

The Greg Kihn Band – The Break Up Song

Here’s the other songs they subjected us to:

  • David Bowie – Let’s Dance
  • The Vapors – Turning Japanese
  • Culture Club – Do You Really Want To Hurt Me
  • Culture Club – Time (Clock Of The Heart)
  • Blue Öyster Cult – Burnin’ For You
  • Freur – Doot Doot
  • Greg Kihn Band – Breakup Song

Not only was the music not really rock, the horror wasn’t either. Not that this is a bad thing. You don’t need a lot of scare you jumping crap or gross Saw shit to make a movie scary. Let Me In did just fine with the dark and creepy ambiance. Which isn’t rock, though.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

John Ajvide Lindqvist – Novel & Screenplay Låt den rätte komma in

Matt Reeves – Screenplay

Directed by:

Matt Reeves

Starring

Chloë Grace Moretz – Abby

Kodi Smit-McPhee – Owen

Cara Buono – Owen’s Mother

Sasha Barrese – Virginia

Richard Jenkins – The Father

Bottom Line

You’ll probably get a big enough kick from this off DVD as you would in the theater just so long as you don’t let yourself get distracted at home. Still, you should try to see this one either way. Moody horror, gotta love it.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Cara Buono (39)

Sasha Barrese (29)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of KICK-ASS


[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Pretty Reckless – Make Me Wanna Die

[Press ‘Play’ for a Gossip Grrrl]

Ramblings: Kick-Ass Does

Final Proof: 4 1/2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a kid on his 21st birthday? You meet him at his place and the night starts off slowly while you get to know him but you like him right from the get-go because he’s funny and kinda cute and reminds you of yourself a little when he was your age and he has the coolest attitude pro’lly because you get the vibe that he likes you back and that even if the whole party is about him, he wants to be sure you have a good time, too. Then, when the party really kicks off, he’s a sweet drunk that knows a lot of other cool kids and hot girls who are way too young for you but that really doesn’t matter because you’re not there to hook up, just have a good time and, man, do you ever have a good time. It’s one of those nights where things just fall into place and you have all these crazy adventures involving hottie-stalking drug dealers and microwaves big enough to nuke a man but you know it’s that kind of night where the worse thing that could ever happen is the locals complain you’re laughing too hard. The best thing about this kind of night where you tie one on with a kid who’s legally a grown up but is still just a geeky kid? You know from the very beginning you’re not gonna have a hangover the day after. Yeah, Kick-Ass is just like that kid and just like that night.

You know what Kick-Ass has? Balls. A huge set. Balls the size of baby heads. i swear to god, you ain’t never seen an Ass with such big balls. ‘Cause it woulda been so easy to go all PG-13 on this flick but to do that would be to castrate the bastard and you know what that means. It means Kick-Ass would have no balls.

Some people are gonna wanna tell you that Kick-Ass is too violent. Don’t listen to that bull. The film needs to be violent on a congenital level to fulfill its destiny. To make a movie for those who share the age of the actors would be to castrate the film, and you know what that means so don’t make me go there again.

Think about it. Chloë Grace Moretz was 12 while making the movie, which means she’s too young to see it because her character violently kills tons of people, uses the ‘C’ word once and the ‘F’ word a couple times. But if she had said “you jerks” and “screw you” instead, the movie woulda sucked. Matthew Vaughn, the director, made a ballsy choice to go balls out on this film and it pays off big time.

The thing i appreciated most about Kick-Ass was its ability to constantly surprise me throughout. i love movies that take standard clichés and put them on their ass. From the young super hero wanna-be who never becomes one to Damon Macready shooting his daughter Mindy, i was frequently caught off guard and if you’ve seen as many movies as i have, seeing the unpredictable is refreshing. OK, the ending gets as traditional as cheap wine at a Thanksgiving dinner with your grandparents, but the incredibly shot action scenes kept me from falling asleep.

As for the actors, well, i thought Aaron Johnson did a Kick-Ass job as Dave Lizewski / Kick-Ass and Nicolas Cage wasn’t bad enough to destroy the movie. i’m thinking Matthew Vaughn cut his scenes to a bare minimum to reduce the risk of another Ghost Rider crash & burn.

To wrap this up, you never read my Booze Revooze of 500 Days of Summer but you shoulda. If you had, you would know what kind of wild genius i am. i don’t wanna gush too much about myself because that would imply masturbation but who was it that said about Chloë Grace Moretz, “Keep an eye on her, she’s one to watch”? Wait, i know, it was me in that review i just mentioned that you didn’t read. Go back and read it, you don’t believe me, you unfair somsabitches.

Speaking of Chloë Grace, you got it, i gotta card her here. She’s only 12 and thus too young for the sexy. As is policy here at The Bar None, nothing age inappropriate.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

i’m not gonna lie to you, there’s no nudity in this bad boy. Like at all. But we got other stuff.

Like we got Lyndsy Fonseca (23) as Katie Deauxma, Dave Lizewski / Kick-Ass’ love interest. There’s this one scene where she thinks he’s gay and she asks him to apply tanning lotion while she’s naked and holding her hands over her bare bosoms. Ummm…bosoms. And then, later, when she finds out he’s not gay, they make out and he gropes her. With his super hero gardening gloves still on. Think of them as thick, yellow, leather boob condoms.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Look in my drawers (scroll down, you can’t miss them) for the indie shots of Lyndsy.

What else we got? We got us some Silken Butterflies.

Silken Butterflies

We got a couple minutes of Dave Lizewski beating off into a kleenex. Even better is what excited him so much: Down blouses of his large chested English teacher, Mrs Zane, who (in his fantasies) takes off her blouse and caresses herself, calling out young Dave’s name. Anyway, here’s Deborah Twiss (38)…

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Do we got better? Hell yes we do. In the scene in Rasul’s drug den, there’s this stunning brunette who, when Kick-Ass asks for Rasul, grabs her boobs over her slinky red dress and says something like, “I’m Rasul, can’t you see from my titties?” Bothers and Sissies, i give you Katrena Rochell (and her titties) who appeared collectively as Rita, The Junkie.

You wanna know what kicks even more ass? i interviewed this angel for The Booze Talkin’! Now who rocks The Bar None, babes? Al does. Just sayin’.

For those of you who prefer Big Daddies to Hit Girls, this is Aaron Johnson (19).

Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper

Aaron Johnson In The Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 1 shot

Definitely the weak link of the film. Basically the only thing resembling a booze reference is when Kick-Ass goes over to Rasul’s (the drug dealer) place and there’s tons of empty wine and champagne bottles sitting around all over the place. Oh yeah, and Katrena Rochelle, the hot actress who plays Rita The Junkie (did i mention i’m interviewing her?), breaks a bottle of wine on the table to attack Hit-Girl with and it doesn’t work out.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 5 shots

Yep, only the second time i’ve ever given a 5 shot rating (the first being for the drinking in Crazy Heart). Here, it is doubly deserved for two reasons. The first is the action. There’s tons of action here, babes, along with very cool comic book violence. You wanna talk rock & roll attitude? Kick-Ass has become the new definition for rock & roll attitude by which all other movies will now be judged.

So we got that. But what else? Check this out, from the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Primal Scream – Can’t Go Back

Here’s the entire soundtrack for y’all, ’cause i’m nothing if i’m not thorough.

  1. The Prodigy – Stand Up
  2. Mika Vs. Redone – Kick Ass (We Are Young)
  3. Primal Scream – Can’t Go Back
  4. The Little Ones – There’s A Pot A Brewin’
  5. The Prodigy – Omen
  6. The Pretty Reckless – Make Me Wanna Die
  7. The Dickies – Banana Splits
  8. Ellie Goulding – Starry Eyed
  9. Sparks – This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us
  10. The New York Dolls – We’re All In Love
  11. Zongamin – Bongo Song
  12. Ennio Morricone – Per Qualche Dollaro In Piu
  13. The Hit Girls – Bad Reputation
  14. Elvis Presley – An American Trilogy

If you wanna hear any of these, just let me know and i’ll post it/them for you. i’m your tender bartender and i’m here to serve you.

Here’s a shot for Ken: The Hit Girls – Bad Reputation

Here’s a shot ordered up by Josh (actually, he was more interested in the sound byte at the beginning): The Dickies – Banana Splits

For those of you who’ve made it this far, Miss Demeanor and i have this debate goin’. i posted a song by The Pretty Reckless at the top of this review. i know you didn’t listen to it, so do me a favor and scroll back to the top and give it a good listen. It’s OK, i’ll wait… Done? So, what do you think? No, really. Not bad, right? Well, Miss D says it can’t be good because Taylor Momsen (of Gossip Girl fame) sings it. i say it’s a good song even if a good looking girl sings it.

What do you think?

If you picked the right answer, there’s a reward waiting for you at the bottom of the post.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Mark Millar & John S. Romita Jr. (comic book)

Jane Goldman & Matthew Vaughn (screenplay)

Directed by: Matthew Vaughn

Starring

Chloë Grace Moretz – Mindy Macready / Hit-Girl

Lyndsy Fonseca – Katie Deauxma

Katrena Rochell – Rita, Female Junkie

Deborah Twiss – Mrs. Zane

Sophie Wu – Erika Cho

Aaron Johnson – Dave Lizewski / Kick-Ass

Nicolas Cage – Damon Macready / Big Daddy

Bottom Line

See it or i’ll kick your ass.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Lyndsy Fonseca (23)


Bonus Round

Taylor Momsen and The Pretty Reckless

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Click here for a taste of my other Booze Revoozes

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of (500) Days of Summer

(500) Days Of Summer

From the soundtrack: Regina Spektor’s “Us” in the Bar None Juice-Box…listen as you perooze.

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings: Unseasonably Tepid

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you see these billboards of a new bar with some radical name and the radio ads sound pretty cool so you think you’ll discover yet another home away from home until you get there and find the place is jacked full of yuppies, the drinks are overpriced and watered down, and not only is it ‘decorated’ but all the decoration is imitation English pub crap that came out of some Ikean nightmare? That’s where i found myself in this flick.

What a disappointing Summer. Here i was expecting this nice indie film getaway and ended up at a run of the mill Motel 6 in the middle of the the suburbs. Basically what you have here is a package tour, emphasis on the word ‘package’. Because that’s all this movie is: marketing to the independent circuit. They get this cool poster and start a lot of buzz and spin it as a quirky thing off the beaten path when in fact it’s standard romantic comedy fare parked dead center in the middle of the road.

Sundance my ass. i’d like to Sun-dance on their freakin’ graves is what. Just ranting about how they manipulated me into seeing this infuriates me and i feel like going up to the top of this review and ripping a star down, but that wouldn’t be fair to Zooey Deschanel, who turned in a neat performance. She did what she could to keep this film cutting edge cute but there was too much other crap holding it back, like the script. Like a narrator who rarely narrates, which is in fact a good thing because his lines come across as Pushing Up Daisies throwaways. Like scenes which are supposed to be ‘experimental’ but actually have all the originality of Applebee’s sports memorabilia.

One pleasant surprise was the supporting role of Rachel, the lead guy’s younger sister, as portrayed by 12-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz. Her performance was solid, especially when considering her age. Keep an eye on her, she’s one to watch.

Chloe Grace Mortez

Chloe Grace Mortez

Chloe Grace Mortez06

Buzz Kills (Watch Out For Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Obviously, there’s Zooey Descahnel. She’s gorgeous, talented and she’s got that whole black hair/blue eyes look that’s the hottest thing since the creation of fire. Trust me, i know, Miss D’s got it going on too and–whoa my god!

Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel

Zooey And Her Sister Emily (From "Bones")

Zooey And Her Sister Emily Deschanel (From "Bones")

There was another hottie in the last scene but she was one of those pinup hotties, not the same natural beauty as Zooey. Still, i’ll post a couple pics for you on the off chance you don’t mind looking at pinup hotties.

Minka Kelly

Minka Kelly

The main thing i liked about the sex in this movie is that the director didn’t feel the need to go there. i mean, face it, there’s no way Zooey is gonna go full on nude and one of the bazillion things i hate are ‘soft’ sex scenes which are nothing but close ups of arm skin and women doing it in their bras. These scenes have all the eroticism of an armpit in a deodorant commercial.

A Smoke

Drinks: 1 Shot

We get to see the best friend drunk on stage singing karaoke. Yippee. Guffaw guffaw. Geoffrey Arend plays the friend and does a usual crap job acting blitzed. Another crap drunk performance is given by the male lead, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, when he’s drinking with a blind date in a bar, telling her how hooked he was on Zooey/Summer. The stars also drink shots at a wedding, but nothing special here, either.

The 12-year-old gives her older brother a glass of straight vodka when he breaks up with Summer. He also drinks homemade margaritas when he’s bummed at a party. At the depths of his depression he meals on Jack Black and Twinkies that he buys from a convenience store in his bathrobe. Interesting how most of the drinking done in this movie is when people are depressed. Guess Hollywood is trying to sell us the idea we’re only allowed to get bombed when we’re blue.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: ½ shot

Some indie music to trick us into thinking it’s an indie film, but don’t get me started on that again or i’ll get depressed and, apparently, have to start drinking.

We get the Smiths. Carla Bruni. We get Hall & Oats, for chrissakes. To top it off: Simon & Garfunkel. Now i like Simon & Garfunkel. i even like the song they played, “Bookends”. Still, no one’s gonna confuse it with anything even remotely related to rock and roll anytime soon.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Scott Neustadter & Michael H Weber

Directed by: Marc Webb

Starring

Zooey Deschanel – Summer Finn

Chloe Grace Moretz – Rachel Hansen

Some Guy – Tom Hansen

[Ok, ok, his name is Joseph Gordon-Levitt]

Bottom Line

Don’t bother seeing it.