Just because i missed out on Saint Patrick’s Day with y’all yesterday doesn’t mean i have to forget all about it this year. Every day is Saint Patrick’s if your Irish. Or drunk. Hell, i’m neither and i’m still continuing the Saint Patrick’s Day specials through to today in the Bar None. Let’s kick things off by kicking out the jams from the juiced box.
[Press 'Play' for some true Irish music.]
Saint Patrick's Went to the Dogs this Year
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here are the drawer shots of the boys and the girls, for the boys and the girls.
You know how you get drunk with a vet? Sure they’ve survived more action than John Mayer at a sorority pillow fight, waded knee deep through blood and guts, and seen so much gore that the light in their eyes has gone on the blink but when they sit there flooding their memories with cheap whiskey and Pabst chasers they tell the same tired stories every other vet before them has been telling since the beginning of wars. So you just kind of sit there and nod off into your drink because interrupting a vet is super rude and almost as offensive as mocking them on a movie review blog. Yeah, those crazy veterinarians with their mangled kitten tales…
Basically, we got a “war is hell movie” here. Oh yeah, and an “after war is hell too” movie. You could see this, or you could see a better “war is hell” movie like Platoon or a better “after war is hell too” movie like The Deer Hunter.
Needless to say i was less than impressed. i knew i was gonna have a hard time with this bad boy right up front when they started off with flash forwards and flash backs. Flash Anywheres are just lame story writing and weak film making and hell. Oh yeah, you know what else is hell? Surprise endings that aren’t.
The acting was kinda hell, too, with a couple notable exceptions. Branko Djuric is this Yugoslavian guy (as in Yougo-slavian and i’llgo-somewhere else) who plays the Kurd doctor who has to sort through the wounded. Djuric plays the part with a perfect dose of sobriety and pathos (if ‘pathos’ means sincerity and stuff—if it doesn’t then i mean “sincerity and stuff”). The other star in this was another small part. Christopher Lee (Count Dooku in Revenge of the Siths) kicked geriatric ass as Joaquín Morales, a Spanish therapist. He even had a cool accent and everything.
As for the other lead roles, Colin Farrell kinda only had one speed in the role of Mark Walsh, a war photographer who comes home without the buddy he left with. He played it straight emo, maybe because the movie takes place in 1988, but you know me: i think emo is hell. As if to make up for this, the beautiful Paz Vega takes her part (Elena Morales, Walsh’s live-in girlfriend) way over the top and around the bend and so far out she loses it and can’t get it back.
Let’s just say that Triage fights to cover territory that’s already been won several times over.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
‘Cause i ‘member sex in the late 80′s and it was a lot better than this, even with AIDS coming out and all that. The only nudity we get in Triage is Colin’s sausage when the water drains out of the tub. Nothing even remotely close to feminine skin because part of the movie was filmed in Ireland and they’re so Catholic there the only nudity priest’s allowed back then was cock-tail wieners.
The closest thing to a sex scene was Mark’s (Colin Farrell) homecoming when he slid his hand up Elena’s (Paz Vega) shirt and fingered her saying “There you are” when he hit home. Here’s to Paz Vega (34) and to coming home.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
There some hot solo shots of Paz burning my drawers. Just scroll down to the bottom of this post…
Also in this is Kelly Reilly (32), who plays Dina (the missing friend’s pregnant wife). Other than a cool closeup of her using the “f” word, there is nothing absolutely sexual with her at all. This wallpaper is sexier than anything you’ll see in the film…
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
There’s more of her down in my drawers, too. (For those of y’all that missed it, i also exposéed her in the Booze Revooze of Sherlock Holmes.)
Finally, for those of you who prefer bayonets to trenches, there’s Colin Farrell (34):
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
As a bonus, and exclusively for y’all here at the Bar None, i got Colin Farrell drinking with Michelle Rodriguez (the dude i’ll sleep with if i ever go gay).
Drink: 2 shots
Paz Vega in The Bar None
Let’s skip the blah blah and just go straight to my notes, aw’ight?
Wine in a bar at a small going away party
Doctor in war zone drinks whiskey and smokes in empty operating room
Pint of Guinness in pub back home
Wine and beer at 80′s party
Kelly Reilly pregnant and drinking red
Girlfriend drinks white wine after-party @ home with KR
Girlfriend drinks red wine alone, worried about Colin
Smoking in the hospital (it’s Ireland in the 80′s)
Colin Farrell in The Bar None
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Did i mention this movie was set in the 80′s? The only music here is Fine Young Cannibals. Yeah, the 80′s were hell.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Scott Anderson (novel)
Danis Tanovic (screenplay)
Directed by: Danis Tanovic
Starring
Paz Vega – Elena Morales
Kelly Reilly – Diane
Colin Farrell – Mark Walsh
Branko Djuric – Dr. Talzani
Christopher Lee – Joaquín Morales
Bottom Line
Don’t even wait for the DVD. Rent Apocalypse Now, The Longest Day, Saving Private Ryan,The Deer Hunter or any other good movie.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Ryan Bingham – The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)
Ramblings: Crazy Hurt
Final Proof: 4 Shots
You know how you get drunk with country singers? They’re hard drinkers and chain smokers with voices as rough as whiskey and talk as smooth as beer chasers. They serenade you with tales of daring don’ts and laugh a broken beer mug laugh while they spill their loneliest stories and their voices crack like an old shot glass as they pour their lives out to you. You get drunk on their blues and their booze and the twang in their dissonant existences. You can’t help but feel for these renegades with lives as battered as their old guitars and emotions as raw as the rotgut they take to drown their feelings. Crazy Heart is like that.
There’s Good Country and Bad Country. “Bad Country” is pop crossover country like living in a Bel-Air trailer park or driving and Audi pickup. “Good Country” is booze laced, blues based heart ache with a drawl. Crazy Heart is Good Country.
You know me (and if you don’t, you will soon enough when i show up on your doorstep askin’ for a place to crash and 20 bucks to borrow) i’m not a huge fan of country music. The thing about this movie is that is takes the essence of a great country song and distills it into something potent. The proof is that Crazy Heart transcends country music into something universal. Oh yeah, it’s also got tons of alcohol in it. That’s what i’m talkin’ ’bout.
Y’all know how i’m a crap reviewer. i have no idea how to use all that technical jargon and my idea of a good actor is anyone who speaks with an accent because i’m totally incapable of judging accents. (Case in point, Miss Demeanor had to tell me that Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ accent sucked in From Paris With Love.) So i’m not qualified to say if Jeff Bridges and Maggie Gyllenhaal do a good job because i thought they had great accents. i thought Colin Farrell had a great accent for an Irish guy playing a crossover country accent. What i can tell you for sure, though, is that Bridges did a kick ass job playing a drunk guy, and here i know of what i slur. He didn’t overdo it but played it with the right amount of subtlety.
On the down side, it was a little slow but it was supposed to be. That was kinda the feel of the thing. Slow and easy like a country b-side. The thing i liked most about this movie was that (unlike most movies i’ve seen recently and will be booze revoozing soon, like An Education or Nine) he had to suffer consequences after making bad choices. Life is like that, peeps. Sometimes you luck out but once your luck runs out you gotta face the music. Bad Blake did and wrote some killer songs to that tune.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½ Shots
Crazy Heart is all about the Maggie. There are lots of hot shots of Maggie Gyllenhaal (Jean Craddock) in jeans, an unflattering scene of a Maggie uni-boob when she wears a tube top, a sweeter scene with her in bed in a bra and tons of her in light tops with a flimsy undergarments. There was also some titty blocking (when the director hides a woman’s assets through various mis-directing techniques) mostly with a sheet. Anyway, Maggie carried the sex for this movie all alone, but that’s OK ’cause she has the right frame for it.
Here’s the Maggie Gyllenhaal (32) i’m talking about:
Maggie Gyllenhall At The Bar None
Click On The Image For Wallpaper Size
There was also a Silken Butterfly (one of those beautiful starlettes whose flitting appearance across the silver screen is as remarkable as it is brief) right at the beginning. Anna Felix (“Barmaid”) was the lovely lady behind the bowling alley bar. Anna? If you’re out there, i’d love to interview you for the Bar None!
For those of you who prefer rock hard to soft countries, here’s Jeff Bridges, looking great for 60:
This is Colin ‘Tommy Sweet’ Farrell (33):
Colin Farrell At The Bar None
Colin Farrell Later At The Bar None
Drink: 5 Shots
Yep, the first time i’ve ever given 5 Shots to anything. There were so many drink references i had to use two sheets of paper but, more importantly, drinking (specifically Bad’s alcoholism) played a key role in the movie. In fact, i pro’lly only woulda given this movie 3½ shots if it hadn’t been for all the booze.
The movie opens with Bad Blake arriving at the bowling alley where he’ll play a concert. He approaches our lovely barmaid (Anna Felix) and asks for a “McClure’s and a beer back.” ‘McClure’s’ is a fictional brand of whiskey, created for this movie. Don’t got to your local bar looking for it unless you want to look like an idiot.
Here are the rest of the drink references…
Drinks not included on tab because he drinks too much
Barley Pop
Gets a free bottle of McClure’s from a gas station owner
Flask during a break [in show]
Drinks to point of getting sick and goes back on stage
[Tommy Sweet] gave up Southern Comfort
Jeff Bridges is a good drunk actor
Doctor calls him out on his alcoholism
Maggie drinks with him when she’s sad (whiskey)
She doesn’t want him to drink in front of 4-year-old so he downs it
Wine at dinner
He sent Maggie away to wait for him so he could have a double McClure’s at a mall bar
Wakes up puking and still drunk and crying and dying
Maggie doesn’t like his drinking and chides him for it; “I don’t want to hear it.”
Duvall gives him a whiskey shot but only one
He chain smokes
Drinks Pabst, he calls it “barley pop”
He gets totally sh*t faced after she leaves him for losing her kid (very drunk but very realistic)
Goes to AA after
He seems to get unhooked quickly but what would i know? i’ve never tried.
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Jeff Bridges – Hold On You
[Press 'Play' for a song that Miss Demeanor pointed out sounds exactly like Joss Whedon's theme from the TV show "Firefly"]
The music here wasn’t rock so i can’t very well give it a high rating, can i? Plus the attitude wasn’t all that rock either. More slow burn than full throttle… Still, some of the songs weren’t bad for country.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Thomas Cobb (novel)
Scott Cooper (screenplay)
Directed by: Scott Cooper
Starring
Maggie Gyllenhaal – Jean Craddock
Anna Felix – Barmaid
Jeff Bridges – Bad Blake
Colin Farrell – Tommy Sweet
Bottom Line
Definitely see it.
Bonus Round
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lightnin’ Hopkins – Once A Gambler
[Press 'Play' for a song Bad Blake recognizes as a source of country music]
You know how you get drunk with a vet? Sure they’ve survived more action than John Mayer at a sorority pillow fight, waded knee deep through blood and guts, and seen so much gore that the light in their eyes has gone on the blink but when they sit there flooding their memories with cheap whiskey and Pabst chasers they tell the same tired stories every other vet before them has been telling since the beginning of wars. So you just kind of sit there and nod off into your drink because interrupting a vet is super rude and almost as offensive as mocking them on a movie review blog. Yeah, those crazy veterinarians with their mangled kitten tales…
‘Cause i ‘member sex in the late 80′s and it was a lot better than this, even with AIDS coming out and all that. The only nudity we get in Triage is Colin’s sausage when the water drains out of the tub. Nothing even remotely close to feminine skin because part of the movie was filmed in Ireland and they’re so Catholic there the only nudity priest’s allowed back then was cock-tail wieners.
You know how you get drunk with country singers? They’re hard drinkers and chain smokers with voices as rough as whiskey and talk as smooth as beer chasers. They serenade you with tales of daring don’ts and laugh a broken beer mug laugh while they spill their loneliest stories and their voices crack like an old shot glass as they pour their lives out to you. You get drunk on their blues and their booze and the twang in their dissonant existences. You can’t help but feel for these renegades with lives as battered as their old guitars and emotions as raw as the rotgut they take to drown their feelings. Crazy Heart is like that.
Crazy Heart is all about the Maggie. There are lots of hot shots of Maggie Gyllenhaal (Jean Craddock) in jeans, an unflattering scene of a Maggie uni-boob when she wears a tube top, a sweeter scene with her in bed in a bra and tons of her in light tops with a flimsy undergarments. There was also some titty blocking (when the director hides a woman’s assets through various mis-directing techniques) mostly with a sheet. Anyway, Maggie carried the sex for this movie all alone, but that’s OK ’cause she has the right frame for it.
Yep, the first time i’ve ever given 5 Shots to anything. There were so many drink references i had to use two sheets of paper but, more importantly, drinking (specifically Bad’s alcoholism) played a key role in the movie. In fact, i pro’lly only woulda given this movie 3½ shots if it hadn’t been for all the booze.
