X-Men Days Future Past 03 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: X-Men: Days of Future Past

X-Men Days Future Past (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

[Press ‘Play’ for a taste of 1973]

Ramblings: The X Factor

Final Proof: 4 Shots

4 shots

You know how you get drunk at an office party on a Thursday night? All of the gang is there, it’s the same people you don’t get drunk with all day at work and they’re here again but they look a little unusual and act a little cooler and the office is still the normal office but it looks kind of weird because it’s late at night and the lighting’s different than during the day. You have a good time and you let your hair down, and you unbutton an extra button on your shirt while you flirt with danger and the office hottie, but at the same time you never forget where you are so you don’t let yourself go crazy and you’re home by 2am and ready for work the next day. X-Men: Days of Future Past was as fun and as safe as that office party.

X-Men Days Future Past 02 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

i originally wasn’t planning on going with 4 shots for this film but X-Men: Days of Future Past was ½ shot better than Godzilla and i gave that 3½ shots so there you go, a 4-shot movie.

Why hesitate to go the full 4? X-M:DoFP accomplished what it set out to do very well, but it didn’t set out to do all that much. It’s a solid movie with a story that’s easy enough to follow, even for me, and this despite jumping around in time all over the place. The acting was nice and not just Jennifer Lawrence who can do no wrong here in the Bar None, but even people i’m not big fans of weren’t too annoying. (i have nothing against Hugh Jackman because you can make “Hugh Jass” or “Hugh Jackass” jokes about his name, but i hate Wolverine with a passion partly because his last movie sucked Hugh Jass and mostly because his hair cut is what they should give pedophiles so they stand out from the crowd and make it easier for us to spot and hate on.)

X-Men Days Future Past 03 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Kaley Cuoco's boobs at 18

Floppy hippie peace sign hat’s off to Bryan Singer who directed all this because most of the movie takes place in 1973 and i know from personal experience (mescal flashbacks) that this is what 1973 exactly looked like. Even the Pepsi product placement signs were vintage. The movie–like Kaley Cuoco’s boobs at 18–had an authentic look and feel.

Also, the special effects were very good. i saw this bad boy in (passive) 3D and there was enough eye candy to keep me interested and i’m not talking about trying to see if Mystique wears panties when she’s blue. It looked good and it moved at a good pace with only one really noticeable slow spot which they got out of the way at the beginning and was when they had to tell us the story of all the X-Men movies.

X-Men Days Future Past 04 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Why hesitate then? Because the film was missing the spark that set movies like The Avengers above the flood of super hero cinema. There was nothing special and when i see a film, i want special. i want to get excited about a movie, to get goosebumps, to guy cry a little. i want to feel kind of drunk when i watch a movie, especially because i’m an alcoholic who stopped drinking and can’t get drunk the normal way any more.

X-Men Days Future Past 05 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Finally, and being careful not to give away any spoilers, i felt a sense of “So what?” when the movie ended. Like it was a good movie but didn’t contribute anything to the X-Men anthology. Sure, it was better than all 3 of the first X-Men combined (i’m a Hugh Jater of those movies), but not as important as First Class.

At the end, you’ll give it a warm round of applause, but you won’t jump to your feet and yell “encore”.

X-Men Days Future Past 05 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

X-Men Days Future Past 07 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

3 shots

Many, many beautiful women here (OK, three beautiful women, but in my life, that constitutes “many”). Then there’s knowing that Jennifer Lawrence is walking around naked except for a little polyurethane net and some body paint and you have all the fixings for a hot ticket. Apart from that, no sex or nudity, though there is a reference made that Mystique / Raven and Erik / Magneto had something X rated going on for a while.

Here’s what the majestic Jennifer Lawrence looks like when she’s not blue.

Jennifer Lawrence Young 2014-02-19 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Young Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, down below. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the warning.

Also thrown in the mix is Ellen Page, my newest favorite lesbian. Here in the Bar None we welcome lesbians with open arms and not just because they’re hot. We have a strict no-hating policy here, including sexual preference, race, religion, politics and drink choice. Because none of those things stands in the way of hotness. Witness:

Ellen Page Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Ellen Page in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s more single body shots of her down below as well.

Rounding things up, there was this super hot Chinese woman named Fan Bingbing who covered up all her goods because she played a mutant called Blink, like “Blink and you’ll miss her”. Fortunately, i’ve got this capture of her here for y’all.

Fan Bingbing Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None)

Fan Bingbing Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

i threw some shots of her in my drawers as well. Dig down deep and enjoy.

On one final note, for those of you who prefer Y-chromosomes to X-women, Hugh Jackson shows his naked ass in this movie. i’m not gay, but i’d like to have that ass…as mine.

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

1-2 shot

Not a lot of booze here and what they had wasn’t key to the plot, so if they’re not going to make the effort, neither am i.

X-Men Days Future Past 08 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

 

  • Young Charles Xavier drinks vodka from a scotch glass
  • Russian and Vietnamese soldiers drink in a Paris disco
  • Vietnamese officer orders a bottle of Johnny Walker at the bar
  • Charles drinks whiskey on a private jet to Paris

Slurred Speeches

I haven’t had a real sip in 10 years.

Erik drinking whiskey on the plane to Paris after his escape from prison

X-Men Days Future Past 09 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 shots

4 shots

Very good special effects, (you won’t believe what happens to the baseball park) and regular action scenes with a minimum of backtalk left me satisfied in this domain. While there was no real rock and roll to the movie, they did have “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” twice and the escape scene with Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle” was killer. So yeah, imma go 4 shots on this.

X-Men Days Future Past 10 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Jane Goldman, Simon Kinberg, Matthew Vaughn – story
Simon Kinberg – screenplay

Directed by: Bryan Singer

Starring

Jennifer Lawrence – Raven / Mystique
Ellen Page – Kitty Pryde
Fan Bingbing – BlinkHugh Jackman – Logan / Wolverine
James McAvoy – Charles Xavier
Michael Fassbender – Erik Lehnsherr
Peter Dinklage – Dr. Bolivar Trask
Evan Peters – Peter / Quicksilver

Bottom Line

A movie you don’t need to be a fanboy to like

Another Round

WTF!? hilarious review of a much worse film

Fernby Films’ awesome review of Part 1

Booze Revooze of “Capatain America: Winter Soldier”

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What happens in my drawers stays in my drawers, and is also pretty NSFW.

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0-5 Shots Booze Revooze: Out of the Furnace (2013)

Out of the Furnace 01 poster (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Sometimes your battles lose you

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Pearl Jam – Release

[Press ‘Play’ for what the movie was shooting for but missed]

Ramblings: Out of the Furnace leaves me cold

Final Proof: 2 Shots

2 shots

You know how you get drunk in a public toilet? Not one of the nice ones in a fancy rest area but in one of those parks where the grass won’t grow because the ground is dead and the playground equipment is either broken or rusted away and anyway the only kids there are in their 20s and are busy dealing or dropping out. The toilet stalls don’t have doors and the floor is constantly damp where it’s not wet and the odor of pee is as permanent as the brown stains at the bottom of the sinks and toilet paper blocks the back of the bowl so you can’t see whatever is dead or dying at the bottom but it doesn’t stop the smell from permeating your clothes on its way to live in your nose. You have one of those bad buzzes that takes you straight from sober to sick without the detour to drunk and you find yourself ill before your time so you go to puke in the toilet and the shit already in the bowl makes your sicker so you puke more and the smell hits you and it’s a perfect shit storm until finally the only thing you end up heaving is sour spit and you reach for some paper to wipe your face but the roll is empty so you slip and hit your head on the porcelain before landing in the dregs of the person who went there before you. That’s how Out of the Furnace will make you feel.

Out of the Furnace 02 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Going home after trying to catch a train – and missing it

Look, i ‘m not going to spend a whole lot of time telling you about how this movie sucked especially when it didn’t. The actors were good, so good that even Willem Dafoe brought his A game and we get to watch Casey Affleck prove he’ll be an actor one day, hopefully in time to do a remake of Gone, Baby Gone where he can play the same role only as someone more talented.

And while we’re on the actors and i know a couple of y’all would like to be, shut up talking about Christian Bale because he’s not bad but he’s no Woody Harrelson who fuckin’ rocked this movie as hill folk Harlan DeGroat. His performance here was amazing yet not quite but almost enough to make me forgive his hair piece in Hunger Games.

Out of the Furnace 03 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Changing his mind about playing Choo Choo Train

And the director directed shit and there were the things you expect when you watch a movie, like not too many boring parts were here and the script was full of things like good words and people doing shit you would do and shit. Plus, the Zoe/Christian bridge scene was fucking brilliant and would win an Oscar for best scene if there was such a thing.

If everything was so cool, why did i fucking hate this movie? i’ll tell you, it’s because it was depressing as fuck. The film was like a date with me, it started off in a bad place and only kept going downhill to the point that everybody is looking at their watches before looking for the back door. Yes, it was a well made movie, but who wants to see perfect desperation happening to people you don’t give a shit about? Is a 2-hour movie about torture a good movie if it’s technically well made? You know what, i don’t care. When I spend 2 hours in the dark, i want to have more fun than i had here. This isn’t Europe after all.

Out of the Furnace 04 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Had too many fish sticks

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Out of the Furnace 05 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Only one woman in this whole fucking thing if you don’t count Peggy (i think her name was Peggy) the cashier at the bar and Brenna Lee Roth as a meth addict,vulnerable and plain, the type i always end up falling for.

The woman in the movie, though, was Zoe Saldana and i don’t think i’ve ever seen her look so good as she did in here. The only thing wrong with her performance was that it was too fucking short.

Here’s what Zoe looks like when she’s out of the furnace and super cold.

Zoe Saldana 2014-01-23 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Baooze Revooze)

Zoe Saldana Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

There’s gobs more shots of her in my drawers, just scroll all the way down to the bottom.

Silken Butterflies

As mentioned, the beautiful Brenna Lee Roth (who i already spotted in The Road) was in Out of the Furnace for a second, and it was one of the best seconds of the film because she looks and acts this good.

Brenna Lee Roth 01 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Brenna Lee Roth 02 (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Brenna Lee Roth 03 in the Bar None (AlKHall Booze Revooze Bar None)

Brenna Lee Roth in the Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 3 Shots

3 shots

Those of you who hang out here regularly know that i rarely give this many shots for booze in a movie and so this was kind of special. Not just because there was a lot of it to be seen, but because it played an important role in the film. Here’s what the blue by blow off that turned out to look like.

  • Woody Harrelson pounding vodka from the bottle and kicking the shit out of people in a drive-in
  • Willem gives Christian a whiskey from a bottle he initially refuses and they drink a silent toast
  • Pivotal moment is a drunk driving accident
  • Casey drinking shots of something and Christian drinking beer the night he gets out of jail
  • Christian Bale drinking beer on the front porch
  • Casey drinks a beer after jogging
  • Woody with vodka shots while he sizes up Casey
  • Woody drinking moonshine from a mason jar

Out of the Furnace 06 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

2 shots

The film open and closes with the same song: Pearl Jam’s “Release”, which i like but is the only real music in this film that isn’t background incidental music. As far as the action, well, there was that kind of back alley boxing where people don’t wear gloves and fight until someone goes into a coma. There’s some gun play and a kind of exciting-esque scene towards the end but nothing really we’d call rock & roll.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Brad Ingelsby and Scott Cooper

Directed by: Scott Cooper

Starring

Zoe Saldana – Lena Taylor
Brenna Roth – Meth Girl
Christian Bale – Russell Baze
Woody Harrelson – Harlan DeGroat
Casey Affleck – Rodney Baze Jr.
Sam Shepard – Gerald ‘Red’ Baze
Willem Dafoe – John Petty
Forest Whitaker – Chief Wesley Barnes

Bottom Line

Don’t watch this if you like to like movies.

Another Round

Saint Pauly’s most controversial review and i can’t believe he writes anything controversial compared to my shit but read the comments if you don’t believe me.

winters-bone-00

WTF review of Winter’s Bone

Terminator-Savlation-Review

Fernby Film’s review of another Christian Bale movie

mud-01-poster-alkhall-bar-none-booze-revooze

Booze Revooze of Mud

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Enough about me, what about Zoe? Note, the photos are pretty pretty and pretty NSFW. You’ve been warned.

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Dregs of the Week (January 19, 2014): Golden Glands

Ben Affleck 02 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Ben Affleck in the Bar None

Afflecker

You know me (and if you don’t there ought to be a law), i’m in it for the laughs. So far be it from me to “out” a drinker in recovery, but apparently not so far from me because i’m doing it right here.

Yesterday morning, i came across (in the non-sex way) an article on the Huffington Post talking about 19 celebrities who don’t drink and if you look at #28 (of 19, WTF!?) you see…Ben Affleck. It’s not the first time i’ve heard Ben’s name associated with sobriety and, as someone in recovery for alcoholism (over 3 years dry now, baby), i’m always on the lookout for famous people who are as fucked up as i am.

Ben Affleck drunk 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

Yes, Ben is full of it, if “it” means “a giving  spirit” because after all, he’s the one who just last August went to tell Lindsay Lohan how to be sober.

Affleck — who himself was in rehab back in 2001 — met Lindsay somewhere away from the Cliffside rehab facility in Malibu where Lindsay was getting treatment.  We’re told Ben gave her guidance on how to maintain sobriety after rehab for someone in Hollywood.

Apparently someone better go find Lindsay Lohan’s ass and tell her to do the exact opposite of everything Ben told her because everything he knows about sobriety you could fit in a thimble but don’t do that because he’d pro’lly drink that to.

Turns out Ben is full of it, if “it” means “booze”.

Ben Affleck 06 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“You can’t hear me? Let me DRINK UP!” (Bar None Artist’s misdirection)

Ben Affleck 07 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I Swear I haven’t drunk since 2001.” (Bar None artist’s misinterpretation)

Sobriety for Ben is an Afflecktation, something he shows off when it’s convenient but not something he’s serious about. In 2010, there was already talk about how he sat down at some table with Tommy Lee Jones at Sundance plopping down a fifth of Absolut and all Ben’s handlers had to shoo the press away like flies off of shit.

In the same loaded vein, last week’s Golden Globe Awards must’ve been one hell of a party because Ben got shitfaced along with Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset. Check out the evening’s photos, and tell me he doesn’t look seriously Affleckted.

Ben Affleck 03 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I love you, man.”

Ben Affleck 04 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I fuckin’ love you, man.”

Ben Affleck 05 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I love fucking you, ma’am.”

Just for laughs…

Ben Affleck 08 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Ben Affleck 09 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bar None Dregs

On a happier note, Saint Pauly just posted another one of his WTF!? reviews and they’re funnier than I have a right to be.

insidious-28-motivational-saint-pauly-wtf-001

WTF!? review of “Indisdious”

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Dregs of the Week (January 12, 2014): Golden Globules

Jacqueline Bisset in the Bar None wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None)

Jacqueline Bisset in the Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

January 12, 2014 And the sinner is…

My favorite reality show is now awards ceremonies. OK, i’m not 100% convinced that awards ceremonies qualify because they’re more real than reality shows and the actors at the ceremonies are more talented (usually) and more famous (certainly) but in both awards and reality shows we get to watch people more blessed and less intelligent than us fuck up in public.

Last week’s Golden Globe Awards was no exception as not 1 but 2 established actresses (OK, 1&1/2) could’ve been arrested for drunk & disorderly as well as public drunkenness if famous people had to obey real people’s laws.

Emma Thompson 02 nip slip (AlKHall Bar None)

i’m guessing Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset were at neighboring tables and not the same one because there’s no way they both could’ve been as shitfaced as they were if they had to share alcohol. So they were sitting near each other and probably playing drinking games like every time some flailing actress showed cleavage they had to pound a shot or every time some phonies did those European cheek kiss things they had to have a swig for every fake smooch.

Whatever, here’s how that played out on stage during the speech making.

First Emma’s went like this:

Then Jacqueline’s beautiful disaster:

The morning after when it was all over but the crying (and the telling the maid to clean the carpet, BUT NOT WITH BLEACH SOMETHING ORGANIC GODDAMNIT) Jacqueline Bisset had this response to her speech:

I was hungry and surprised.

Which was true, she was hungry and surprised, right after she drunk the shit out of all the alcohol in her vicinity.

Jacqueline Bisset Bar None wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None)

Jacqueline Bisset Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

While Emma Thompson had this to say:

Dear Non famous people,

It has come to my attention that my recent behavior at the Golden Globes ceremony has drawn not a little amount of public scrutiny and as such I would like to offer up this explanation for my actions.

I was fucking drunk, bitches.

Sincerely,

God Dame Emma Thompson

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall

Saint Pauly over at 1,2,3 WTF!? lets me skip to the good parts of the movies he reviews by posting exactly at what minute the nudity begins. You get that and all the other parts, good and bad, at his cool site.

Check out the reviews for

Snarknado

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Sharknado

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of The Purge

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of The Purge

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Evil Dead

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Evil Dead

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Getaway

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Getaway

Give him a chance. Plus, because he’s my gay friend, we can feel all good about ourselves for being open minded.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is more or less pretty NSFW

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Dregs of the Week: Cara Delevingne & Michelle Rodriguez: Full Court Press

Michelle Rodriguez Cara Delevingne 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

Too young? Half your age plus 7 inches, baby!

Here’s my New Year’s resolution, for more shit like this to happen. For hot bi girls to get mega drunk and make out with top models in public. My New Year’s resolution is more Michelle Rodriguez.

Michelle Rodriguez, the King of Queens and still the first woman i’ll call if i turn gay, had a date with a 21 year old blonde top model who looks like this:

Cara Delevingne None (AlKHall Bar None)

And acts like this:

Cara Delevingne 00a None (AlKHall Bar None)

Cara Delevingne 00b None (AlKHall Bar None)

Michelle took Cara Dlelevingne (pronounced: de-la-vagina) to a basketball game and it was hard to tell, oh so very hard, who had the most balls because Michelle kept trying to convert the young woman to either Lesbianism or Alcoholism or both and you know me (and if you don’t there oughta be a law) i already invented a word for that too and it’s LUSH, which stands for Lesbian Until Sober Honey.

Michelle Rodriguez Cara Delevingne 02 (AlKHall Bar None)

“Psst, if I were a woman, would you be a lesbian?”

What’s the take away? These photos are the fucking take-away and they’re so great it’s like Santa came again and if he didn’t, i will.

You know you’re Michelle Rodriguez drunk when…

1. …this is ‘smiling’.

Michelle Rodriguez Cara Delevingne 03 (AlKHall Bar None)

2. …you can only keep one eye open at a time

Michelle Rodriguez Cara Delevingne 04 (AlKHall Bar None)

3. …you give a urine sample in public

Michelle Rodriguez Cara Delevingne 05 (AlKHall Bar None)

4. …everything reminds you of vaginas.

Michelle Rodriguez Cara Delevingne 06 (AlKHall Bar None)

5. …you finish first. Without her. At a basketball game.

Michelle Rodriguez Cara Delevingne 07 (AlKHall Bar None)

6. …your ‘come face’ turns into a ‘go face’.

Michelle Rodriguez Cara Delevingne 08 (AlKHall Bar None)

7. …you get this kind of lucky.

Michelle Rodriguez Cara Delevingne 09 (AlKHall Bar None)

As i already got more than enough Michelle Rodriguez pics to choke a drunken whore, i thought i’d concentrate on Cara Delevingne from here on out.

Cara Delevingne Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None)

Cara Delevingne Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is NSFW, babes.

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Booze Revooze: Machete Kills

Machete Kills 01 poster AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tito Tarantula – Machete Main Title Theme

[Press ‘Play’ to spice up this review]

Don’t you hate it when a new post comes out on some famous blog and assholes all over the world rush to comment just one word?

FIRST!

Silly assholes, that’s what cellphone cameras are for. Here’s proof i saw Machete Kills before you.

Machete Kills 02 proof AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

This shot represents Jessica Alba’s total screen time in the flick

Machete Kills 03 proof AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Machete Kills 04 proof AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Ramblings: Machete Scratches

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.

Machete Kills 05 chango AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

“Batman?”

i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.

Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).

Machete Kills 06 chango AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Barbie Landspeeder

The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.

Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.

Yeah, i bet that’s it.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

Machete Kills 07 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Killer Tits

3 shots

Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?

As for the blow by blow:

  • 70’s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70’s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
  • Danny Trejo’s nipples have no areolas
Machete Kills 08 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Because Cleavage

You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.

Alexa Vega 2013-10-02 Machete Kills in the Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.

Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.

Amber Heard 2013-10-02 in the Bar None Wallpaper Machete Kills

Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Wallpaper 2013-10-02 Machete Kills

Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.

Vanessa Hudgens 2013-10-02 Bar None Wallpaper Machete Kills

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.

Lady Gaga 2013-10-02 in the Bar None Wallpaper Machete Kills

Lady Gaga in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

So, she’s a singer like Justin Beiber except taller and more masculine and she looks a lot like this.

Lady Gaga 2013-10-02 Wallpaper Machete Kills

Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.

Machete Kills 20 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Portable Gun Show

Silken Butterflies

Rodriguez also knew how to net the Silken Butterflies, those actresses with eternal beauty and fleeting screen time.

First up is the wonderful Callie Hernandez who clocks in as “Space Babe”.

Callie Hernandez Machete Kills AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

As if that weren’t enough and when is it ever, there was also the amazing Emmy Robbin who rocked the movie as Pris.

Emmy Robin Machete Kills AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Then there was also Elle Lamont who scored the roll of Dollface and if that wasn’t a case of typecasting then ‘dollface’ doesn’t mean this.

Elle Lamont Machete Kills AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Elle Lamont in the Bar None

Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.

Electra & Elise Avellan 01 Machete Kills AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Or is it Elise & Electra?

Electra & Elise Avellan 02 Machete Kills AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

A Smoke

Drink: 3 shots

3 shots

Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.

Machete Kills 02 chango AlKHall Bar None Booze RevoozeCheck out this booze exchange between Mendez (Demian Bichir) and a bartender.

Mendez: Martini extra dry and 2 olives.

Bartender: All we have here is beer and Chango.

“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).

Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.

  • The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
  • Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
  • Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
  • Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
  • Variety of cocktails at the reception

A Smoke

Machete Kills 09 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Picking up chicks…on the bumper

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

3 shots

i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.

But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.

Machete Kills 10 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Very Hard Nipples

The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Machete Kills 11 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Danny Trejo auditions for Thor

Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story

Directed by: Robert Rodriguez

Starring

Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)

Bottom Line

Not all that sharp but not all that dull, either.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Inglourious Basterds

Booze Revooze of Inglourious Basterds

django-unchained-poster-bar-none-booze-revooze

Booze Revooze of Django Unchained

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

i’ll throw up some of the leftover captioned stills and then get right to the hotness because you gotta believe my drawers are as hot as hell, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

Machete Kills 12 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

That moment you realize you have the same haircut as Danny Trejo

Machete Kills 13 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Valentine’s Day in Mexico

Machete Kills 14 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Bored This Way

Machete Kills 15 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

“I call this one my ‘vale-Dick-torian’.”

Machete Kills 16 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Chose ‘Acting’ as her ‘Talent’. Lost pageant.

Machete Kills 16 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Barbie Machete

Machete Kills 18 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Bra Size: 9mm

Machete Kills 16 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

A Breakdown of Government

Alexa Vega

Alexa Vega Used 01 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 02 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 03 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 04 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 05 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 06 down blouse Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 07 Machete Kills (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega Used 08 Machete Kills in the Bar None (Al K Hall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Alexa Vega in the Bar None

Amber Heard

 Amber Heard 01 nip slip Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 02 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 03 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 04 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 05 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 06 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 07 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard 08 in the Bar None Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Amber Heard 09 in the Bar None nip slip Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga 01 Machete Kills nip slip (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 02 Machete Kills nip slip (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 03 Machete Kills nip slip down blouse (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 04 Machete Kills AssAssin (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 05 Machete Kills side boob (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 06 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga 07 in the Bar None Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lady Gaga in the Bar None

Michelle Rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez 01 Machete Kills see through (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 02 Machete Kills see through (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 03 Machete Kills see through (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 04 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 05 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 06 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 07 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez 08 Machete Kills after the Bar None(AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Michelle Rodriguez after the Bar None

Sofia Vergara

Sofia Vergara 01 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 02 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 03 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 04 AssAssin Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 05 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 06 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 07 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 07 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara 09 in the Bar None Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Machete Kills

Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa Hudgens 01 nip slip Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 02 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 03 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 04 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 05a Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 06 Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens 07 in the Bar None Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Vanessa Hudgens 08 in the Bar None Machete Kills (AlKHall Bar None  Booze Revooze)

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Continue reading

Dregs of the Week: I Will Get Drunk for Amber Heard

Amber Heard 2013-06-24 Wallpaper Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Celebrity Dregs

June 6, 2013: Heard the Truth

An open letter to Amber Heard

Amber,

It has come to my attention that Johnny Depp is giving up booze for you. That you are responsible for ending the reign of acting’s most accomplished functional alcoholic is none of my business and not the subject of this letter.

You know me–and if you don’t, i’m the guy who left that stain on your doorstep–i’m no whiner. No, i’m here to declare my love for you in a way Johnny Depp never could (and that’s not a sex reference).

Johnny Boy will give up alcohol for you? So the fuck what? i’ll take up alcohol for you.

Let’s take a moment to think about this. By getting sober, Johnny’s life will become immeasurably better. He’ll feel better, think more clearly, sharpen his acting, augment his fortune, hone his guitar playing, increase his sexual prowess… Every aspect of his existence will improve. “If you stay with me, I promise to succeed more”? What kind of bullshit risk is that?

What i’m offering, Amber, is a real sacrifice.

i’ve been sober for 2 years, 5 months, and 16 days, so i know about the benefits awaiting JD if he goes off the sauce. But if you leave him for me, i promise to fall so hard off the wagon that the repercussions will be felt all over the world. i will  give up everything for you, all the clarity, all the happiness, all the security, all the comforts, all the relief, all the courage, all the piece of mind i’ve accumulated since getting sober.

i think you’ll agree, mine is a more shining example of guts than what Johnny is showing.

Think it over, babe, and leave me a comment in the Comments section if you want to fuck up and get fucked up together.

Bottoms up,

Al K Hall

Amber Heard 00 Yosemite Sam Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Unbeknownst to many, Amber dated Yosemite Sam before hooking up with Johnny

There’s hotter shots of her in my drawers, down there. ↓

Bar None Dregs

Saint Pauly, who gets funnier every time i look at him, has just posted two hilarious reviews on the first two Resident Evil movies over at WTF!? Watch the Film.

resident-evil-2002-01-poster-wtf-watch-the-film

resident-evil-apocalypse-01-poster-saint-pauly-wtf-watch-the-film

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more wittiness, just wetness…

Amber Heard

Amber Heard 01 Nip Slip Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Amber Heard 02 down blouse Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Amber Heard 03 topless Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Amber Heard 04 Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Amber Heard 05 Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Amber Heard 06 Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Amber Heard 07 wallpaper Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Amber Heard 08 Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Amber Heard 09 in the Bar None drinking Bar None Dregs AlKHall

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.