[Before you get all up in my shit about how politically incorrect i am, please read the disclaimer at the end of this post.]
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Rihanna: Big Sean feat. Chris Brown – My Last
[Press 'Play' to hear Chris Brown sing, "And I'm a hit this drink up like it's my last, I'm a hit this night up like it's my last, I'm a hit this ass up, like it's my last"]
Celebrity Dreg
i didn’t tell y’all before because i’m telling you now.
i’m dating Rihanna.
Not right this second, but i’m dating her pretty soon and i can make this statement with a certain certitude because i’m convinced with a conviction as strong as Chris Brown’s that Rihanna’s got the necessary amount of stupid it takes to date me.
Don’t even try to tell me you don’t know what i’m talkin’ about, either. Haters be hatin’ and players be playin’ but don’t go doin’ neither on my ass, yo, ’cause you know damn well you saw the video where Chris Brown talks about how how hard it is to be in love with two ladies women at the same time and if you didn’t it’s at the top of this post.
The rumors have it that Rihanna is going to take Chris back and why the hell wouldn’t she?
Chris Brown on Rihanna: “I’d Hit That.”
i already told you like a month ago about how she’s got a drinking problem and hell, the first thing the ‘real’ Chris Brown says in that video is that he’s drunk and even in that fucking song he says first he’s gonna hit the bottle and then he’s gonna hit that ass.
So the mutual enabling for alcoholism is a giant thumbs up your ass and the codependency is all systems go to hell. Plus Chris Brown practiced not beating up a girl for one year and, to top it all off, Rihanna will chant the mantra of beaten and abused women across the country, “He’s changed, he said he’s sorry…”
You know what, though? Rihanna ain’t never gonna date my sorry ass and here’s why. i would never hit on her…
Disclaim-her
Just one thing before you go ballistic on me. i wrote this post out of anger that any woman would consider getting back together with the man who abused her. i have absolutely no sympathy for abusers, and while i understand the mechanics of this kind of relationship are complicated, they’re really not. Someone beats you, you leave and you don’t look back and you certainly don’t go fucking back to them so they can do it again.
For those of you who would say abusers can change, i’ll say “Good for them, they still deserve to be deserted as punishment for their heinous acts.”
For those of you who would point the finger at me and say maybe then i don’t deserve forgiveness for some of the asshole things i did while i was still a practicing alcoholic, i agree 100 fucking percent. If you’re one of the people i hurt through my drinking, i totally get that you would not want to forgive me and don’t blame you at all. If you are not one of these people, don’t judge me until you’ve puked a mile in my booze.
For those of you who would say that all this shit isn’t my business, i’ll stop posting this kind of commentary when Rihanna stops tweeting about her relationships and Chris Brown stops pretending to be real in the video messages he posts on fucking YouTube. Until that time, alls fair in drugs and whores.
OK, now you can go ballistic on me.
Bar None Dregs
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From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Stephen Stills – Love The One You’re With
[Press 'Play' for some oft referenced Stephen Stills]
Ramblings: Space Campy
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in your old high school? You bring beer, break in, then rode the halls and reminisce on good memories that age like brandy, smooth and mellow and maybe a little better than when they were made. What’s nice is that the school’s been all remodeled and looks fucking great and you can’t believe all the high tech gadgets they got now that they didn’t have when you were a kid so you play with them a little bit and get all set to settle into a nice night that may generate a few memories of its own…until some asshole pulls the fire alarm and you have to run outside into the playground and you stumble around and get more drunk and bang your head on the monkey bars and puke on the swing while you’re swinging so that you swing into your vomit and it streaks your cheeks and stains your shirt and fills your lap and the night is cashed like a keg of warm beer gone stale. That’s sorta what Prometheus was like.
i can tell you right off the bat that i gave this somebitch 3 shots because the first half of the movie was 4 shots and the second half was 2 shots and the average of that is too hard for me to calculate so i’ll just round up to 3.
The beginning was incredible. What’s-his-name the director…Ridley Scott, there you go, filmed Prometheus in 3D rather than just stapling 3D shit on top after and you can really really tell when you watch the opening scenes. The vistas and the valleys and the crags and shit look awesome and then, when you start noticing the planet scape of the outer space lands you realize he even made the cloud formations look unique and you start to appreciate just how far out there “Out There” is and you appreciate the whole other-worldly other world Scott created. Like Avatar on vodka spiked with anti-freeze. Truly wondrous.
After half a movie of this, just when you think you can relax and enjoy the show, the film turns to shit without warning. There are so many “WTF?” moments that you’ll wonder where you’ve been transported and what happened to the movie you were just watching. Scott feels obligated to force feed you shots of the original Alien (female leads, schmarmy androids with an agenda…) which he thinks are tradition but in fact are just cliche and tired. It’s like he meticulously manicured a marvelous castle of mud and then, just when you started appreciating its true beauty, he pisses all over it and makes it crumble around you.
What else do you want from me? Noomi Rapace makes the jump from the Swedish Girl With A Dragon Tattoo to US blockbusters a droitly or even two droitlies. She does a decent job here in her role as Sigourney Weaver wannabe except, as my wife Celeste E Hall pointed out, Noomi’s character Elizabeth Shaw is a wimpy scaredy pussy compared to Weaver’s Ripley (believe it or not) but that’s not Noomi’s fault, it’s Ridley’s for directing her into that corner.
Michael Fassbender is the same. He does a great job doing that acting thing but his character is all WTF’ed and he ends up gloriously portraying Lost In Space‘s Robby the Robot. Plus i heard he’s a conceited prick in real life so i don’t like him anyway and it’s got nothing to do with his penis probably being bigger than mine.
Basically, if you’re invested in the Alien series you’ll get your money’s worth from this one and there’s nothing i’ll be able to tell you that’ll convince you that it’s not as good as you think it is, but for the rest of us humans who don’t need to revisit space camp you should go and see something good instead.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1½ Shots
The only sex scene is the buzz kill and that’s just how bad it is.
The closest thing we get to nudity is the Alien, who has one of those mouths that look like a vagina. Like in The Thing. Because male film directors are misogynists.
Sure, there’s Charlize Theron (36) but the only sex scene with her happens off screen and the only time she gets hot is when it’s cold and her uniform is tight. Trust me, she’s a lot sexier here in the Bar None than she ever was in this movie.
Charlize Theron Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There are more drawer shots at the bottom. You hafta click on the link that says “Continue Reading…” down there ↓.
Then there also was Noomi Rapace (32). She was the Swish (because everybody knows Swiss and Swedish is exactly the same fucking thing) actress who starred in Swish version of the Swish book The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. She showed a lot more skin than Charlize in this puppy, like that one shot i put at the top of this section that i called “Elizabeth Shaw Swaddled” in my notes.
Noomi Rapace Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i got some drawer shots of her as well. Just scroll to the bottom and look for the button that says “Continue Reading…”
For those of you more into Predators than Mother Ships, here’s Michael Fassbender.
Michael Fassbender Collage: Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Plus, i got some Bar None shots of him at the bottom, in my drawers.
Drink: 2 Shots
Almost nothing but the fact that there was anything when this takes place in outer fucking space is already something.
A vodka. Up.
Vickers / Charlize Theron ordering a vodka from the android
Cool scientist drinking vodka from the bottle while in the lab
[He] gets drunk in pool room and android comes to keep him drunk
Champagne spiked with Alien bile
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
You want to know what this move is like in rock and roll terms? “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes. It starts of really cool and you think you have rock on your hands and then it gets all soft on you and everyone knows you can’t play pool with a rope.
Boring Technical Crap
“If you want, Noomi, I can put you on my shoulders so you can see better.”
Written by: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring
Noomi Rapace – Elizabeth Shaw
Charlize Theron – Meredith Vickers
Michael Fassbender – David
Logan Marshall-Green – Charlie Holloway
Bottom Line
When Noomi gets into the automatic surgery box, either abandon ship or fasten your seatbelt because that’s the moment this bitch looses power and goes down in flames.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Joking aside, all that’s left is pictures. Click on this link for that.
Once again, the powers that Be (as in B-5…Hit!) decided it was better for everyone if we here in Yeaman got to see (as in C-3…Miss!) movie before (Hit!) they trusted the American audiences. Don’t believe me? Check it from my phone.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: AC/DC – Hard As A Rock
[Press 'Play' for Rock Hard]
Ramblings: More ‘Hit’ than ‘Miss’
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk and play bored games? At first you’re all like, “Nah, that’s lame. I don’t want to play a fucking game, let’s drink more,’ but then your cousin says you can do both so you figure what the hell, might as well, he paid for Taco Bell so you break out the Battleship and set up the board and the first half hour is like American beer: bland and weak, until you accidentally find yourself getting into it and you remember that Battleship isn’t too bad of a game really and you start actually having fun even after the end-game point where it’s obvious who’s going to win. No way you’re going to play the damn thing every day like you did when you were 12, but you leave his basement glad you gave it a shot.
i know you were wondering how in the hell they could make a movie out of a kids’ game and if you weren’t, i was wondering it enough for he both of us. i’m gonna be Frank (because anyone’s better than being me), for the whole first half hour i thought they blew it because each scene was drawn out an extra 3 minutes longer than it needed to be and i started thinking Sorry would have made a better movie than this sorry shit, until…when the excitement started, the movie got exciting.
If you wanna be late, this is the perfect movie to be late to. Go ahead and shotgun and extra Pabst or two in the parking lot before you go in because if you miss the first half hour you’re not missing anything.
This is not to say there was smooth sailing after the stormy seas. Rhianna is a lot of things like hot and a party girl and…well, OK, she’s two things but actress isn’t one of them. Brooklyn Decker out-acted Rhianna, s’what i’m saying. If i were y’all i’d try to get over to Yeaman as soon as possible to see this movie because they may cut some of her shit and there’s tons to cut from as she’s basically in every scene because apparently there’s a job in the Navy which is “Gun Bitch” meaning you shoot everything from canons to machine guns to torpedoes on the boat, off the boat, in the boat…
Speaking of tons to cut, there was one scene i won’t spoil for you here because to truly enjoy the extent of the absolute corniness you have to cringe to it without warning, but there was a heroic scene that was so ridiculous it had everyone in the theater rolling in the aisles. It’s so bad that if you see the movie and say to someone else, “You know that one scene…?” they’ll be all like, “Yeah, the one where________.” If the producers want to be nicer to you than to me, they’ll cut that shit out. Literally.
But wait, i told you i liked the movie and i really did. There was lots to like, swear to god. Like i already said, once the action started there was action and it was super helped by the special effects which were truly special even if i didn’t see this in 3D and occasionally got distracted by the effects special for 3D that looked stupid in 2D.
While cliches were the depth chargers that mined this movie, there were a couple things that helped helped buoy this Battleship and keep it off the rocks. Thing #1 was the American soldier giving up command of his boat to a Japanese guy with more experience. A surprise move because who expects this kind of shit to be realistic. Thing #2 was that even some good guys died. Sure, not the heroes, but some people on our team died and this always helps make a movie better than TV. My favorite thing, though, was Thing #3. There’s this one character with artificial limbs that looked too good realistic to be CGI and turns out, sure enough, the actor is a physically handicapped veteran whose legs were blown off by a roadside bomb in Baghdad as he was coming back from a memorial service for two dead soldiers from his brigade. Hat’s off to Lieutenant Colonel Greg D. Gadson–Respect.
Those things helped make the movie worth the watch. Basically, Battleship was better than i expected it to be, but i expected it to be really really bad.
The “Battleship” Game in Battleship
Yes, there was a nod to the game “Battleship” in the movie Battleship. The above screenshot shows the set up of the board, and in one scene the good guys were unable to use their electronic telescopes to see the bad guys, so they had to use tsunami detecting buoys in the water to find the bad guys’ location. When a buoy moved, the captain would yell out the coordinates, “C-42″ for example, and Rhianna would fire there. Once, when missile attained its target, someone even yelled out, “It’s a hit!”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½ Shots
There were only two ladies in the movie, so the shot ratio got sunk before it even left the dock, but the two ladies where Hip Hop Pop Rock Roll Model Party Hard Bod Rhianna and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Goddess BrOOklyn Decker (and if you don’t know why i use “OO” in her name, you don’t know who BrOOklyn Decker is). i already mentioned i was surprised to find BrOOklyn Decker (25) acting circles around Rhianna, who i found a little flat and no, i don’t mean in the bikini department. ‘Course maybe that’s explained by the fact BrOOklyn is a method actress, whose method consists of running around in tight, low cut tops in slow motion.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be lots of shots of her filling my drawers, if you wanna scroll all the way down.
i already mentioned Rhianna (24) is a party girl but i’ll prove that later. i also already told you she can’t act but you’re gonna have to take my word for it until you see this on the big screen but what i am able to prove to you right here is that she is hot. Red hot.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i got more shots of her in the drawer, under BrOOklyn Decker, if you can believe that.
For those of you more into Hits than Mrs, there was a lot for you here.
Following his is an actor i can’t take seriously because he’s too fucking kitsch. Literally. His fucking name is Kitsch for god’s sake. Fortunately for Taylor Kitsch (31), he made Battleship before John Carter came out and he was even luckier that this one came out second so there’s a chance people will forget he tanked before he shipped out. Another little known fact about the ex-model is that he’s allergic to shirts.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Also, i’d like to have a drink to him for not using his good looks in this movie. He had to go the military haircut route and, while this may not be the best look for him, it helped me take him seriously as an actor. So did the fact i didn’t know he was a top-less model before i started looking for photos of him online.
To wrap this section up, Mrs D has a soft spot for our man Liam Neeson (59), so imma post a rerun shot of him. Here you go, babe!
Click On The Image For Wallpaper
Drink: ½ Shot
And i started out with such high hopes, too. The movie begins in a bar with big brother Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgård) toasting his little brother Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) because it’s the little Hopper’s birthday. They drink shots with Bud chasers until Samantha Shane (BrOOklyn Decker) comes in and asks for a chicken burrito.
See, that’s what i was talking about when i was talking about her method of acting.
The only other booze reference is displayed in the Decker / Kitsch shot heading off the sex section up there which shows the beautiful people rolling around on top of each other with wine bottles next to them.
While i’m in this section, though, let’s take a quick look at the cast shots i got of them in the Bar None.
Rhianna in the Bar None / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Alexander Skarsgard in the Bar None
Taylor Kitsch in the Bar None
There’s gallons more shots of Rhianna drinking hitting the very bottom of my drawers.
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
Yes, i will go all the way up to 4 shots on this one and let me tell you why.
First off there was the incidental music track which rocked the boat thanks to the presence of Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello, who worked on at least two of the tracks here.
Plus, there were a lot of songs in the movie that weren’t part of the traditional soundtrack. i scoured the net looking for them but i’m afraid my list is going to be the most complete until someone else has the time to read the credits. Anyway, there was
The Black Keys – Your Touch
AC/DC – Hard As A Rock
AC/DC – Thunderstruck
The Stone Temple Pilots- Interstate Love Song
Sugabaes – Angels With Dirty Faces
Creedence Clearwater Revival – Fortunate Son
Dropkick Murphys – Hang ‘em High
Billy “Get the fuck out, no i’m serious” Squier – Everybody Wants You
Which sounds like this.
[Press 'Play' for a blast from 1982.]
HELP ME! There was a very cool southern rock remake of “25 Lighters” (originally by Dj Dmd, Lil Keke and Fat Pat) and i can’t find it anywhere and i looked fucking hard. Anyone out there know what southern rock band remade “25 Lighters” ’cause it’ rocked.
On Hell of a Boom Box
Apart from that, there was also the action i already talked a lot about. So basically we got cool soundtrack, cool songs and cool action, all of which punch this up to 4 shots.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber
Directed by: Peter Berg
Starring
Brooklyn Decker – Samantha Shane
Rihanna – Raikes
Lieutenant Colonel Greg Gadson – Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales
Liam Neeson – Admiral Shane
Taylor Kitsch – Alex Hopper
Alexander Skarsgård – Stone Hopper
Bottom Line
See it. Take a teen to see it and you’ll even enjoy it more. If you see it and don’t like it, tell me and i’ll play a game of “Battleship” with you and then you’ll realize this movie is better than a lot of shit in life.
Here’s some other articles Saint Pauly and me and The Rod wrote you could also check out.
The Rod’s review of Battleship
"Battleship" at Fernby Films
Saint Pauly’s Review of Green Lantern
"Green Lantern" at WTF!? (Watch the Film)
Saint Pauly’s review of Battle Los Angeles
"Battle Los Angeles" at WTF!?
Saint Pauly’s Review of I Am Number 4
I Am Number 4 at WTF!?
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here’s where i stop kidding around because, beyond this point, it’s all about the pictures which are worth way more than my pitty thousand words.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Sonny Chillingworth – Hi’ilawe
[Press 'Play' for some of that eerie, Hawaiian spook uke.]
Ramblings: Get Lei-d
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a bamboo bar with a postcard as a coaster? It’s a pretty as a picture place you never really went to especially if you went there because the picture isn’t real, man, just watch how the bottle warps the image until the picture becomes warped, and you’re not stupid, you get what the picture is supposed to represent but you wonder why they didn’t choose a better angle, a better photographer and even a better site for sore eyes. Then again it’s just you, the only one using the postcard for a coaster, because everyone else in the bar seems to think the picture is great so you just sit back and shut up and wait for the fuss to die down. That’s what it was like with The Descendants for me.
i gotta get this off my cocktail nuts right up front. One of the things that really cracked me up about this movie was how everyone kept talking about how great George Clooney was acting because he was acting outside of his zone. Bullshit people! He wasn’t acting outside his comfort zone, he was acting old and old is so much his zone it’s called Cloonely-ville and the zip code is his birthday. He was acting his age is all. Plus, he wasn’t even acting! He was just being himself like he already is. It’s like everyone complimenting me for writing super sarcastic when this is how i am in real life so save the props for when i write something good. Like not funny. If you don’t laugh at all, start complimenting me all over the place is what i’m saying.
Look, i’ve interviewed hot babes who have hung with George and they’re all about the Cloon-tang, and he’s a sincere guy and great for the industry and a credit to the human race and all that but that doesn’t make it my fault the brother can’t go in the pool because he’s got Depends on underneath his bathing suit.
Other than that rant, this was the movie that wasn’t. The scenes weren’t finished because the director decided to be fake European and cut right before the good parts. The acting wasn’t great because some of the actors [*cough* Nick Krause *cough*] was in over his head and must be related to someone who owns this movie. Worst of all, the film wasn’t interesting because we don’t care about the people or their boring ass story. Tell them to shut up and take their thirst world problems to a bar where patrons can swallow the swill they’re putting out.
When i say we don’t care, obviously I’m not talking about the little girl actress, Amara Miller, who is only 11 and still acted the diapers off… It’s nice to know the future of cinema is in such strong fragile hands.
Amara Miller
Before i give up on this section, i wanna drink a toast to the lovely and talented and especially lovely and especially talented Judy Greer, who i’ve been crushing on hard since before i was born but i was really glad to see her get a decent amount of screen time for a change. Sure, she had a lot of face time in 13 Going On 30, but here she gets to show some acting range and she killed. If she continues to chose roles like this one and act the crap out of them like she did here, she won’t be an undersung actress much longer.
Judy Greer
As for The Descendants, i wouldn’t worry about sticking this one on top of your Netfuks to-o do list because it’ll just leave you as limp as a perm in Hawaiian humidity. You know what you should stick instead? Men Who stare At Goats, the movie in which George Clooney has to act…and does a really good job of it.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 shots
Stranger Danger!
Let me start off by thanking my lucky star and her name is Shailene Woodley. Why am i thanking her? For being born 20 years ago, which means i can post an exposée of her down here, below the line. Plus she goes through the whole movie in shorts and a bikini so say no more than: There is a god and he made Shailene Woodley be born on November 15, 1991. And he made her grow up to look like this.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Still in keeping with the whole “god theme”, there’s some single shots of Miss Woody down below in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit pay dirt, then keep going until you hit just plain dirt.
On top of that (i wish), there’s the exact same Judy Greer (36) i was already talking about up there when i was talking about how the role of Julie Speer showed us how far she could stretch her talents. She looks really good stretching.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i didn’t neglect to include some random drawer shots of Judy in my drawers, check them out down there if you don’t believe me.
For those of you who are more into forefathers than foremothers, here’s a Clooney shot from the Bar None.
George Clooney in the Bar None
Drink: 2½ Shots
Who knew i was going to go this far? i sure as hell didn’t when i went into the movie but i was pleasantly surprised.
Mixed in with that, i didn’t prop Sailene’s acting ability up there because i’m going to do it here. She rocked as an actress. Seriously, if you have to see The Descendants, see it for the performances of Amara Miller and Shailene Woodley. Sold solid solid.
The only soft spot in young Shailene’s repertoire is her totally understandable inability to play drunk. She has a scene where George arrives to pick her up from boarding school and she’s drunk and you can just tell she’s never woken up with tequila stains and a missing stocking before in her life. Which is a good thing, just not for that scene.
The Descendants in The Bar None
Other than that, we got:
Elizabeth [coma wife, played stoically by Patricia Hastie] is a drinker
He [Matt King / George Clooney] says, “Elizabeth with her motorcycle and her drinking.”
A bottle of Jameson on the nightstand
“Tell her how drunk you were the other night. Tell her how you may be an alcoholic.”
Everyone drinks wine at the party where he tells everyone they’re taking Elizabeth off life support.
Sid’s [Nick Krause] dad died in a double drunk driving accident
Old Fashioneds at the bar with Cousin Hugh (Beau Bridges)
Beer at picnic where cousins vote on the property
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Nothing except for this weird kind of freaky ukulele music. Lena Machado – Mom
[Press 'Play' to get your uke you laid.]
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Kaui Hart Hemmings (novel)
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash (screenplay)
Directed by: Alexander Payne
Starring
Amara Miller – Scottie King
Shailene Woodley – Alexandra King
Judy Greer – Julie Speer
Patricia Hastie – Elizabeth King
George Clooney – Matt King
Nick Krause – Sid
Beau Bridges – Cousin Hugh
Bottom Line
i bet the book is better than the movie and if you don’t have enough time or energy to read the book, you certainly don’t have enough time or energy to see this movie.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
No more funny. From now on, it’s just serious picture action.
You know how you get drunk and play bored games? At first you’re all like, “Nah, that’s lame. I don’t want to play a fucking game, let’s drink more,’ but then your cousin says you can do both so you figure what the hell, might as well, he paid for Taco Bell so you break out the Battleship and set up the board and the first half hour is like American beer: bland and weak, until you accidentally find yourself getting into it and you remember that Battleship isn’t too bad of a game really and you start actually having fun even after the end-game point where it’s obvious who’s going to win. No way you’re going to play the damn thing every day like you did when you were 12, but you leave his basement glad you gave it a shot.
