There’s a lot i don’t know, for example i don’t know what your problem is, but add this to the short column of shit i do know: i know Amanda Bynes’ problem and, like the cat that we just ran over, it was in front of us all the time.
Check it:
Amanda Bynes is, like what, 38 years old?—and she doesn’t drink. That, Barmaids and Beerhounds, is enough to drive anyone batshit crazy.
Hunter S. Thompson said it best (and got paid a shit lot more than me, too) when he said
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
Amanda tweeted her confession soon after the police fished her out of her apartment for a little catch and release, meaning she was arrested and set free in a little offshoot of “cat and mouse” i call “pussy and mousy”, in which Amanda plays both parts.
“Does she drink?”
“Does she drink?” is the wrong question because the right question is “Does it matter?” and i’m so generous i’ll even tell you the answer and the answer is, “No, it does not fucking matter.” It doesn’t fucking matter because whatever Amanda Good-Bynes is doing or not doing is derailing that train wreck.
Exhibit ‘A’ for ‘A’manda before:
Amanda Bynes Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Exhibit ‘B’ for ‘B’ynes after:
One Hot Mess
Pictures puke louder than words…
And while i’m hanging paper here, i found out Google who hates me and wants the Bar None to close down forever by giving all my patronizers the wrong directions on getting here has credited a phishing site with a wallpaper i stole photos for with my own fingers and made my own self on my own computer and posted here first. i’m putting it up again here as a way to piss on it to mark my territory.
Amanda Bynes drunk at the Bar None wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
So here’s the bottom line @Amanda Bynes
Amanda Bynes, you seem like a good kid who’s been tossed into the arena with tons of lions and all they gave you to defend yourself was way more money and time than you could handle. Unfortunately, throwing money at the lions doesn’t seem to be working, and the crazy you’re baking is only making them hungrier and scaring away the fans in the stands you already had.
The secret to killing the lions is not to fight them. It’s to turn your back to them, turn off your computer, go far away to someplace safe and close your eyes until those lions are hungry enough that they attack some other poor sweet starlette who’s easier.
i really do wish you the best,
Al K Hall
PS You’re nose is super cute, i wouldn’t change a thing.
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly, who makes me laugh for all the wrong reasons, posted another one of his funny reviews over at WTF!
Reese Witherspoon Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
What’s worse than being famous? A lot of things are worse than being famous. What’s worse than being drunk? A whole of a lot is worse than being drunk. But what’s worse than being drunk and famous together? Ooh, that’s another drunkalog and if you don’t believe me, i totally understand because i’m one lying somebitch. So you should go ask Reese Witherspoon.
Directly from the Bar None juiced-box (see? there i go lying again) and dedicated to “Peewee” Reese (totally not a lie this time): Destiny’s Child – Say My Name
[Press 'Play' for Witherspoon's "Do you know who I am?" song]
Here’s what’s not news. Reese Witherspoon’s husband got pulled over for drunk driving. Who the fuck cares? It’s not even Reese’s piece that got arrested herself it’s her goofy ass husband. Only a little more newsy is that she started threatening the officer because she’s famous but you can’t blame her because we all do it (wait, don’t we?). You also can’t blame her that it didn’t work, because every time i tell some cop not to bust me because i’m Reese Witherspoon, he always does anyway.
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
Besides, this stopped being news when Reese was all cool and apologized and was really humble and talked about her kids. You know me (and if you don’t, i’m not cleaning that up), as an alcoholic in recovery this kind of share always makes me wet and by ‘wet’ i mean ‘teary’ (perv…it’s the pictures i post of her that make me wet).
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
You know what the real news is? Watch that TMZ video up there i stole off of YouTube. Did you see what her husband did there? Exactly! Fucking Nothing! He just stood there with his mouth hanging open while his wife gets taken out like garbage. It was me, i’d be telling her to shut her Reese Witherspoon ass up and sit it back down in the car. Or, and this is only on a good day, i start telling the cop to go back away and easy on my wife or else i’mma barbecue his bacon and eat it while he watches, but jesus, you gotta do something, am i right?
Reese, babe, if you want to be with a real man who’ll stand up for you, call me, you have my number (it’s on the wall of every Ladies Room stall in every police station in Georgia).
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
Bar None Dregs
Bet you didn’t know my frenemesis Saint Pauly posted another on of his things that made me smile over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time he takes the piss out of The Day.
Scottish Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Mini dregs today as we’re just taking a little trip to a little island called the UK which has a lot of little towns called Wales, England, Scotland, Ireland and Northern Ireland which is the right or wrong side of the tracks depending which side of the tracks you were born on. Anyway, today’s dregs are brought to you by Ireland and Scotland, where the best present you can buy those sheep farmers is velcro gloves.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to the residents of Kerry: Afroman – Drive Better Drunk
[Press 'Play' for "Don't touch my keys when the party's over / I drive better drunk than you do sober" aka the New Irish National Anthem]
If you read my last dregs not only are you a star but you were also exposed to my huge cock sure diatribe against the prejudice that exists concerning drunk drivers. In an era where we are trying to be more and more open to different lifestyle choices, humanity still maintains an ornery attitude towards drunk drivers.
i don’t know about y’all but at least someone read what i wrote and is willing to do something about it. i’m speaking specifically about Kerry (as in ‘Kerry me home’), Ireland where local law enforcement has decided to reduce the instances of drunk driving with an ingenious concept. If you want fewer drunk drivers on the road, simply raise the limit of legally drunk.
Drunk Driving: After
i know, right? i’ll help you move, ’cause that’s just the kind of (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurpreson i am.
Those Scottish never cease to amaze me. The country that has it all (and won’t share any of it with you) decided to release a free app so people can see the effects of alcohol on their looks over an extended period of time. Did i say people? i didn’t mean people, i meant women. Because the app is only designed for women.
Scottish Girl Drinking: Before
Apparently Scottish men already look old and fat in their teenage years so this app would only work for them when they’re first old enough to drink, like at 8 years old.
In other news, the exact same app is also being marketed under other names like “What happens when you eat Scottish food” or “what women look like after you marry them”.
Scottish Girl Drinking: After
Bar None Dregs
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Ke$ha Wallpaper in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here then are the real dregs for the last week or so many other weeks that i’ve stopped counting. They’re short and sweat, just the way we like ‘em here in the Bar None where urine for a treat from Ke$ha, Bieber’s top fucks up his Karma and i cure fucking hangovers. Keep on reading, you don’t beliebe me…
[Press 'Play' for "I'm pissin' in the Dom Pérignon (C'mon let's do it now)"]
Commoner Dregs
Girl. Hungover Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You know me (and if you don’t, i’m not the one), i hate to give bad news here ’cause i’m all about the yucks but don’t shoot the messager because i’m the guy to tell you that hangovers may stop existing.
Researchers in California (which, contrary to popular belief is not the Hangover State, that honor is reserved for Innebreity) are developing a pill that will, similar to Nicolas Cage, act like your liver.
What a disaster! No more hangovers! Who will be left to drive the porcelain bus? Who will put the technicolor in the burp? Who will call God on the big white phone?
It doesn’t stop there. What will be left to make make people promise to stop drinking? Imagine the hurt pain reliever sales will feel. The hangover is a rite of wrong every high school student needs to learn a lesson from. Just think, if there are no more hangovers, men will keep drinking Southern Comfort past their college years and women will continue to tipple peppermint schnapps if not into adulthood, at least someplace adulthood adjacent.
So protest, Barmaids and Beerhounds! Protest, i say! Go out and get your face so totally shat that you feel your essence rise high and higher from your body to the summit of the mountain of shit until the buzz stops and drops you all the way down into the deaths of despair with a hangover only suicide can cure. That’ll show those medical geeks that there is no cure for stupidity.
There’s just weird and then there’s this and by ‘this’ i mean Ke$ha: the girl you hate to love, and pray doesn’t become a role model to your teenage daughter.
The only thing that could make her any better would be if she’d been a Disney Baby Princess in a past life but even without that you still gotta like where this is goin’ and where this is goin’ is right in her mouth because not only does the chick like to get pissed in the UK sense meaning drunk, but she drinks it too.
A pic Ke$ha posted of herself peeing
She gave this interview with a British newspaper where she talked about how she’s been partying with her little brother and his tag for 2 years and doing shit like getting drunk at 6am and drinking her own pee. Which actually makes a lot of sense and is good for the environment because it’s recycling. She gets drunk, drinks her own pee and gets drunk on the booze in her pee.
Bar None Exclusive Interview with Ke$ha
i bet that Bronson Pelletier kid is bumming as he reads this because he’s realizing he could have recycled his buzz AND avoided arrest in the airport where he peed all over the floor in public.
There’ll be some solo shots of Ke$ha filling my drawers and you’ll wanna check that out all the way down there at the bottom of this post. You can’t miss it.
Once again i must play the part of the world’s conscience and believe me, nobody hates it more than you do, but i can’t sleep idly by when i witness such blatant prejudice against a group of people and yes, Barmaids and Beerhounds, i’m talking about drunk drivers.
Proof Bieber is a Lesbian
Never before has any group of individuals been as persecuted, prosecuted and vilified as drunk drivers. Some police officers even target drunk drivers and believe it or not, a few drunk drivers even spend years in prison!
Lil Twist (and if rappers chose anatomically correct handles, his would be “Lil Willy”) is best friends with another willy and by that i mean Justin Bieber and those two willies must be very hard to separate, they must stick together through thick and thin, they must stand tall as they come to face hardships because Bieber lets Willy drive his car no matter how many times Willy wrecks it.
There was that one time this “person” killed a paparazzi in Bieber’s car, and now he borrowed Lil Beeby’s toy sports car (it’s called a fucking “Karma” for fuck’s sake, which is only ½ step up from calling it a “Cartoon”) and drove it into cement protection poles at a…liquor store. Then they did what you and i would do in the same situation: they told all the witnesses it was Bieber’s car, threw the loose pieces in the back of a BMW and fled the scene. OK, they did what we would do if we were super rich and douches.
A real photo of where the accident should’ve taken place
Too fucking high. i’ve been spending so much time in the dregs lately i’m to the point where i can come up with themes. Today’s theme is “Too Fucking High” ’cause there’s some weird shit going down when people get up, up and away.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to the airheads: Eminem – Superman
[Press 'Play' for "till then just sit your drunk ass on that fuckin' runway hoe"]
Commoner Dregs
Bar None Artist’s Misconception of Kolbjorn Kristiansen
American “Fly Like An” Eagle pilot Kolbjorn Kristiansen was soaring even before he got on the plane. He showed up for his 7 a.m. flight with his BAC already up there and booze on his breath obvious enough for “a witness” to call the sky cops who pulled Cold Bro off the plane and took his ass down, along with the rest of him.
Question: how can you tell if a pilot is FWI (Flying While Intoxicated)? It’s not like there are lines to tell if he’s swerving or anything.
Assume trashed positions. Gudmundur Karl Arthorsson of vodka on Iceland decided to get red eyes on the red eye. He drank an entire fifth of duty free booze in the first 2 hours of a 6-hour flight, started grabbing the women next to him but they weren’t the meat or the fish on economy menu. So he spat on some other people to get them as lubricated as he was and then commenced screaming that the plane was going to crash.
After he began choking some dude, the other passengers wanted to get in on the in-fight entertainment so they banded together with some flight attendants and latched his fat behind to the seat. His head was in the clouds but his ass was in a sling.
Who else other than you is glad their name isn’t Gudmundur? Wes Scantlin, singer of the defunked group Puddle of Mudd. Wes is glad because he pulled the same shit as Gudmundur on an airplane but wasn’t bound and gagged…until he landed in Austin, TX. ‘Cept the plane was going to L.A. Why did the plane land in Texas? For the soul purpose of getting “Scat” off it.
Wes Scantlin Mug Shot
Apparently during the flight he got wasted and then got in a fight with the crew when they wouldn’t sell him booze. i’m thinking it’s not that they wouldn’t but that they couldn’t because he done drank it all.
In an effort to be impaired and unbalanced, i will state for the record that the charges against the Wesser of Two Evils were dropped last November due to lack of evidence.
Not to be undone by Wes, this soap opera diva got popped before she could get in the aria.
Senait Ashenafi, one time “star” of “General Hospital” was discharged from a plane in Dallas (proving once again that Texas is like Lindsay Lohan: people wanna be drunk when they’re in it) because, basically, she wasn’t being treated like someone of her status. Like she’s the Pope, or even the President, or even Oprah Herself for god’s sake.
Senait Ashenaf Mug Shot
Senait “Investigation” got pissed off because she was seated in economy and not first class. So, no-class babe that she is, she took it out on a flight attendant. i tell you what, just writing these dregs today is given me a whole new respect and pity for flight attendants.
Police came and busted her for public intoxication, which is not all that easy to spot in Texas.
My favorite thing about the Twilight movies is now the werewolves.
Think about it. Vampires drink blood so they’re of no real interest to alkies, but werewolves are like booze hounds on crack.
Wolfman Jacked: A Bar None Artist’s Deception
Case in point, Bronson Pelletier, aka Jared the Werewolf in the Twilight movies got drunk in an airport and decided to mark his territory like any self rejecting werewolf. There he was peeing all over the place when security came pissed off and arrested him. My second favorite part was were he denied it. My favorite part was when the video of him doing it surfaced days later.
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly did it again. His reviews are like Justine Bieber naked: You don’t wanna laugh, but you can’t help yourself.
Click on the link and tell me i’m wrong.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Remember how i’m a great investigative journalist? It’s OK if you forgot ’cause i’m gonna remind here with this shocking story that Justin Beiber killed a man. Not with his own bare hands, of course, the only thing Leave it to Bieber could kill is a buzz but he has enough cash to pay for the sins of all mankind so he for sure has enough to pay for the sin of murder.
Justin Cider bumped off the papparazzo who was following him the afternoon of January 1, 2013. Why? Because the pap smear wanted proof the little Beiby smoked weed? Are you kidding? Did you not know marijuana is now for all intensive purposes legal everywhere in the United States? Besides, Justinches clearly has a medical prescription for his stunted mental and physical growth. However, look at this picture more closely.
Justin Beerber
You see that on the table in front of him? i fuckin’ hope so because i circled it in red and drew a giant arrow right at it for you. It’s a bottle of Corona Extra beer. This means that child starlette Justin Bieber had one of his marijuana thug friends whack the photographer to hide the terrible secret Bieber was willing to kill to keep: Justin Bieber broke the law by drinking underage.
You kinda heard it hear first except you read it.
Bar None Artist’s Deception
Bar None Dregs
Nancy Stelle
A little shout out to the Bar None’s very own Nancy Stelle (and if i keep saying that long enough it may just come true). Her movie, Argo, won Best Picture and Best Director (for Ben Affleck) at this year’s Golden Globes and is Academy Award nominated for Best Motion Picture.
3,000,000
One more shout out, this time to all you Beer Maids and Barhounds. Sometime earlier this month (i was too busy being sober to notice exactly when), the Bar None crossed the line of 3,000,000 patronizers. Now that’s a lot of zeroes, and i appreciate you being one of them.
i opened the Bar None on July 19, 2009 and even in the drunkest of dreams i never could have imagined that only 3½ short years later i would be serving up this shit to over 3,000,000 drinkers, drunks, and alcoholics anonymous. i’m humbled and buzzing with gratitude.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
The New Year has come even if you haven’t (but hey, the couple that fakes it together, makes it together) and brings with it a whole barrel bottom-ful of Dregs. Like we got a girl shooting off her brother’s mouth, God not damning, the Chris Brown wreck, Lay-Lo laying low, and Sofia Veraga’s New Year’s boobs.
From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Kill Me
[Press 'Play' for what you listen to when you care enough to kill the very best]
You know me (and if you don’t, watch more Jerry Springer), i like to make fun as much as the next guy especially if the next guy is super funny. But i have to draw a line somewhere so i’m drawing one right here.
See, on New Year’s Eve in Phoenix, AZ a drunk 19 year old girl killed her brother while they posed for Facebook profile pics. The parties in questioning were drinking with buds when someone pulled out a gun and as the siblings messed around, the girl accidentally fired a bullet into her brother’s head.
i know you like the back of my daddy’s hand, Barmaids and Beerhounds, and i know you’re gonna wanna make all kinds of jokes about this. Like you’re gonna be tempted to shoot your mouth off and say shit like, “Looks like they were doing shots” or “Talk about a photo shoot” or “Maybe he wanted a head shot .” Well, i’m here to tell you that shit don’t fly, you sick mother drunkard. What do you have going on in you brain to even think of bad puns like that?
God may not be your copilot, but he sure as hell is Tyler Alred’s. This 17-year old shithead was drunk driving (0.07 %, just under the legal limit), hit a tree and killed his 16-year old passenger. Dead. He even pleaded guilty to manboyslaughter.
You know who else is a shithead? The judge. He sentenced All-red to 10 years…in church. Swear to god. The judge passed on a suspended sentence of 10 years during which Tyler has to attend church service on Sunday.
The kicker? The sentence may not be too effective because Alred already goes to church every fucking Sunday. God damn it all to hell.
Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a restaurant celebrating her sister Ali’s 19th birthday (Ali’s the one in the back left looking like Elizabeth Bennet out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies), but it’s hard to tell because everyone in that family looks like the clan’s Gran, including the men.
The scandal that erupted like the zit on the nose of a Disney teen drinking and driving Herbie The Love Drunk had to do with the fact that it’s illegal for Lay-Lo to drink alcohol, and this law is brought to you by the same universe that says it’s OK to sentence a drunk driver to church.
Like every good alkie, however, Lindsay blamed her grandmother because you would too if you could get away with it and you would because what kind of lawyer would attack a grannie? To add salt to the wounds, Lay Lindsay Lay claimed that the drink is an alcohol free margarita, making it the only thing even close to virgin at the table. Plus, i’m pretty sure that’s not salt on the rim. Maybe the Coke isn’t in the glass, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.
Here’s a little tribute to the lovely bonds of sisterhood.
Lindsay & Ali Lohan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You guys pro’lly don’t care about what a sensitive soul i am, but this one picture right here is very heartistic and causes me a sadness i wouldn’t know where to explain.
Sofia Vergara and Nick “Rock” Loeb-ster in the Bar None
Sofia Veraga has two very big boobs: her fiancé and her ex. On New Year’s Eve they all decided to party together which is the greatest idea ever since Rihanna decided to go back to Chris Brown. All this went down in Florida which, if you’ve read these dregs more than once you already know is where insanity goes to die and comes back to life so it can gnaw on the brains of the few people there that have any left.
The trio were partying in the VIP section of a club called Miami’s Story when Sofia So-Good and her fiancé Nick Loeb had words to go with their drinks (words like “asshole”, “fuckface”, and “stretchy head”, i bet). People at a nearby table stuck their noses into Loeb’s business and then his fist and in the following fight some people got beat up but, even better, some good soul was kind enough to pull down Sofia’s top for us.
Sorry about the censorship in the above shot but i can’t find an unadultery shot anywhere on the net. The closest i could find was this slip showing.
Sofaia Vergara will bend over backwards for you
i got more of this hot steamy mess down in my drawers…
Call me Basking Robbins ’cause i’m about to give y’all a scoop. Chris Brown, the guy you know you hate, was in a city called Paris (hint: doesn’t end with “Hilton”) in a land called France (the country Germany practices its global dominations on) and learned a very simple lesson in mathematsick.
+
=
Seems Brownie rented a Lamborghini Aventador (shot 1), did a show and hit an after-party (shot 2), left the bar at 4 am and banged into some other dude’s car (shot 3). As i’m the only one talking about this (in English), i’m calling it a win for Team None. But, if i get wacked mysteriously or suddenly disappear without a face, start looking here at the French Connection.
Here’s a Bar None Artist’s misconception.
Bar None Artist’s Misconception of Chris Brown’s Accident
i gots more shots of Chris and Rihanna drinking in my drawers, just at the bottom there.
Bar None Dregs
For Christmas, i promised that Saint Pauly kid i’d post this picture off his WTF (Watch the Film) blog. What do you think? Is is as funny as he says it is?
Troll Colonoscopy
Here comes the part where i wish you a Happy New Year. That’s done. Was it good for you?
i stole this from a website called Guapola because that’s the kinda shit i do.
Masochists will want to to go to All About Al K Hall for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
My patronizers over at WordPress threw up this at me and i figured i’d share it with y’all because i’m the tender bartender here and this gives me the opportunity to thank you guys once again for stopping by and making this blog a place i look forward to coming to and hopefully you do, too. Almost 1.5 million patronizers…i’m awed by your generosity, desperation and bad taste. Thank you from the bottom of my barrel.
Here’s an excerpt:
About 55,000 tourists visit Liechtenstein every year. This blog was viewed about 1,400,000 times in 2012. If it were Liechtenstein, it would take about 25 years for that many people to see it. Your blog had more visits than a small country in Europe!
So far there are 1,802 of y’all who’ve strolled into the Bar None to pass some time on Christmas, and you can add one more to that number because i’m here with you, to thank you for spending some of your time on this day of all days to share with us. Whatever your age, sexy, race, religion, hell, whatever your reason i’m proud that you came by, and i thank you for patronizing me.
From the juiced-box: Corey Taylor – X-M@$
[Press 'Play' for "If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas"]
How do we celebrate X-mAss in the Bar None? Like everywhere else in the world, only better.
1. We drink a tree
Yule Get Drunk
2. We go nativity
God said, “Let there be Lite.”
3. We get the family Christmas carded
Mom likes “Do You Hear What I Fear?” Carol prefers “Fuck the Halls”
4. We go bar shopping
“I’ll take a family-sized buzz, please.”
5. We give the gifts that keep giving up
Grandma Liks Baking
6. We try to survive the day after
What A Pisser
7. We bring the Big Man
We also get a visit from Santa Claus, but in the Bar None it’s better because we get more than one.
Wait, before you go, wanna see me put the ‘X’ in ‘X-mas’? Click below the belt to get into my drawers because, unlike Christmas, you can come more than once a year.
Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
Redneck Barbie
2. Toys for Neither
Bored Games
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
Reinbeer
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
Father Pissmas
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
