Not at all from the Juiced-box but the only song with words in it from the soundtrack: I See Fire – Ed Sheeran
Here are the derogatory shots to prove that yes, they let me see this bad boy 2 days before the civilized world.
Bilbo disappearing with the ring
Some half-bear, half-man guy
They’re blurry and badly taken? No, they’re of a movie i saw in 3D and only here to prove i saw this bad boy.
Ramblings: A Hard Hobbit to Break
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a daughter of a whore who’s a whore herself? She’s just as flashy as her mom and aims to please but she’s a little sprier, a little faster on the uptake and quicker on the down-low. She parties harder and keeps a better rhythm so she’s more satisfying than mom, even if she’s just a shallow party girl and you’ll never fall in love with her or spill your guts or bare your soul to her and you don’t care enough to wonder what her real name is but you’ll remember her stage name for up to a week which is more than you can say for her mother who was totally forgettable in every way. That’s what The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug is like after the not Unexpected Journey.
The Hobbit looks Paramount
Nice because you can doze on and off through much of the film and still follow the story
Didn’t they already have a giant spider in one of the Lord of the Rings?
The second movie i’ve seen in 2 weeks that ends with a “To be continued” (Hunger Games 2 was the other)
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Still looks Lost
Evangeline Lilly extra fully clothed
The dwarf/elf love story is highly annoying
Great special effects because they make Evangeline Lilly ugly– that isn’t easy to do
How you feel choosing wine
Mead and ales in a Middle Earthen pub
Drunk guards passed out
Post-feast a dwarf wakes up late and downs the bottom of a glass of ale
Rock & Roll:
Great action scenes
Why does the dragon want all the riches? What’s he going to buy with it, cigarettes and dragon hookers?
Not ‘Cupid’, but rhymes with ‘Cupid’
Boring Technical Crap
Fran Walsh, Guillermo del Toro, Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens Screenplay
Directed by: Peter Jackson
Evangeline Lilly – Tauriel Graham McTavish - Dwalin Ian McKellen - Gandalf James Nesbitt - Bofur Ken Stott - Balin Martin Freeman - Bilbo Baggins Richard Armitage - Thorin Oakenshield Stephen Hunter - Bombur William Kircher - Bifur Adam Brown - Ori Aidan Turner - Kili Benedict Cumberbatch - Smaug Conan Stevens - Azog
The Hobbit pays better than The Office
Booze Revooze: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tito Tarantula – Machete Main Title Theme
[Press 'Play' to spice up this review]
Don’t you hate it when a new post comes out on some famous blog and assholes all over the world rush to comment just one word?
Silly assholes, that’s what cellphone cameras are for. Here’s proof i saw Machete Kills before you.
This shot represents Jessica Alba’s total screen time in the flick
Ramblings: Machete Scratches
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.
i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.
Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).
The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.
Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.
Yeah, i bet that’s it.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 shots
Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?
As for the blow by blow:
70′s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70′s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
Danny Trejo’s nipples have no areolas
You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.
Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.
Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.
Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.
Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.
Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.
Lady Gaga in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
So, she’s a singer like Justin Beiber except taller and more masculine and she looks a lot like this.
Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.
Rodriguez also knew how to net the Silken Butterflies, those actresses with eternal beauty and fleeting screen time.
First up is the wonderful Callie Hernandez who clocks in as “Space Babe”.
As if that weren’t enough and when is it ever, there was also the amazing Emmy Robbin who rocked the movie as Pris.
Then there was also Elle Lamont who scored the roll of Dollface and if that wasn’t a case of typecasting then ‘dollface’ doesn’t mean this.
Elle Lamont in the Bar None
Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.
Or is it Elise & Electra?
Drink: 3 shots
Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.
Check out this booze exchange between Mendez (Demian Bichir) and a bartender.
Mendez: Martini extra dry and 2 olives.
Bartender: All we have here is beer and Chango.
“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).
Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.
The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
Variety of cocktails at the reception
Picking up chicks…on the bumper
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.
But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.
Very Hard Nipples
The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.
Boring Technical Crap
Danny Trejo auditions for Thor
Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story
Directed by: Robert Rodriguez
Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Control Machete – Si Señor
[Press 'Play' for some of that Mexican moderno salto ("hip hop" in Spanish, hermano]
Ramblings: Medium Stakes
“When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, daddy–er, Ben Affleck.”
Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in Laughlin, Nevada? Sure it’s a casino town and you sip comped drinks all night as you play poker, but the drinks are so watered down you start to build an ark and the only poker you play is video poker so electronic that you can smell the percentage it’s taking from you and that’s about as exciting as watching reality TV show reruns, plus you’re in fucking Laughlin for chrissakes which doesn’t even have the decency to copy Las Vegas like Reno does. So you sit there drained and not drunk and ready just to finish your roll of quarters and go back to your smelly ass room and beat off to “Pretty Little Liars” because even the prostitutes in Laughlin are too expensive and too cheap. That’s all you’ll take away after seeing Runner Runner.
You’re in a hurry and just want the short version? Runner Runner is a mediocre remake of The Firm and every other corporate thriller from the 1980′s.
Ben Affleck begging the director to tear up his contract
There’s a couple things wrong with Runner Runner and by “a couple” i mean “a shit ton”, starting with the script which is no big deal and ending with the acting which isn’t going to win any awards. Like for the acting Justin Timberlake tries to bluff us into thinking he can carry a whole film but his weak ass hand couldn’t carry a shake so he should just stick to the carrying of tunes.
You know who else is in this movie? John Heard and what cracked me up is that i just saw him in Sharknado, but at least he was trying in this one. The character he was this time trying to be, however, was called Harry Furst. i’m still trying to decide if this is a bad joke or bad scripting.
Speaking of bad script writing, here’s a taste. A bad taste. For your mouth.
This isn’t poker. It’s my life, and I only have one play left.
Plus there’s tons of WTF!? moments that i won’t get into here because i don’t want to drop any spoilers but trust me, a lot of this movie is gonna feel like bad fan art because you’re gonna look at it and feel that something just this side of everything is ‘off’.
Bar None Artist’s recollection of “Runner Runner”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 baby Shot
Gemma Arterton is all kinds of hot but you’re gonna have to take my word for it because you won’t see any of that sizzle here. There’s a little kissing and a sex scene that was lifted from 1980′s school of in-your-end-o sex scenes but it sure didn’t get a rise out of me. Not like this, anyway.
Gemma Arterton Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There were a lot of them but i was only able to net a couple.
To start off with, hats off to the extra special loveliness of Laura Alemán, who played to perfection what just may be my favorite role in the film, “Masseuse”.
Another young lady who pricked up more than my ears was the stunning Diana Laura who acted the shit out of Sandra Leon (her character).
Here’s the blow-by-blow:
Hot black jack dealers
JT & GA [Justin Timberlake and Gemma Arterton] have sex standing up against a wall
Champagne and girls at Local’s orgy when delivering bribe
Gemma proves she loves going down
Drink: 2 shots
Two shots and it’s only because of the quantity of the booze that flowed and not the quality of the references. A lot of drinking, but the booze didn’t have a role in the film so it’s not gonna score big here.
Beer and whisky during the online poker game when he loses everything
Justin learns about porn…the hard way
Red wine in casino (too red to be real)
Shot of pro’lly vodka after almost losing [all of his staked money at his boss's party]
Beer at beach bar
Beer on boat
“Una cerveza” in a Costa Rican bar talking to the head honcho
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Like you really though you were going to get rock and roll in a movie with Justine Timberlack. They had tons of music only none of it was rock. Like do you know who they had in the movie? Some guy named Joel and not Billy but a DJ who knows Joel isn’t that cool of a name so he changed it to Deadmau5.
As for the action…like you thought there’d be action in a Justin Time movie. The most action you’ll see are the people walking out of the cinema. Hey, it’s not cruel if it’s true.
Justin Timberlake has a case of the Runs
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Brian Koppelman & David Levien
Directed by: Brad Furman
Gemma Arterton – Rebecca Shafran
Laura Alemán – Masseuse
Diana Laura – Sandra Leon
Justin Timberlake – Richie Furst
Ben Affleck – Ivan Block
John Heard – Harry Furst
Cut your losses while you’re ahead and fold. Fold hard.
The things you learn from a toilet cam cannot be unlearned
Well, it’s the Back-to-School period for those of y’all who weren’t smart enough to get out yet. Don’t let education get you down, though, wait for your grades to do that. Right now, you still have shitloads of time before your first test, so live it up while you can still do it guilt free. And if you’re looking for a little somethin’ somethin’ to spice up your white bread life, why not tap the Lunch Lady?
From the juiced box and dedicated to Tonya: Fame – Hot Lunch
Here’s a fantasy i didn’t know i had: a 3-way with the school lunch “lady”. You know, i wanna drink from her juice box. Shake her milk. Lick her batter. Knead her breasts and baste her thighs. Tenderize her meat. Whip her cream. Ice her muffins. Make her suck my fish sticks.
i just found out i had this fantasy thanks to a 34-year-old hot lunch lady in Colorado who has a lot on her plate. Seems she had this party at her place and invited the whole high school cafeteria, and when they all came she left them begging for smorgasbord.
She served one guy right there in the middle of her living room while the others waited in line and then she took a 17 and a 20-year-old into her bedroom for what i like to call the “Back to School Special”. Bet you’re wondering which one got the sloppy seconds, eh?
Unfortunately, this left a bad taste in someone’s mouth because the police started asking around until one fed up customer called the tip line and fed them the entire story on a silver platter.
The Hot Lunch Lady was put in the cooler for sexual assault on a child and contributing to the delinquency because of all the booze she served with her smile.
Bar None Dregs
At the end of my post about Cressida Bonas, i stated that i’m instigating a no bullying policy here in the Bar None. i polled readers and asked if they felt i’d bullied her Royal High-ness in the post and 40% of y’all said i had. In response to that unequivocal response, i’ve refused to use the woman’s last name in this Dregs post, referring to her only as Tonya. Is that enough or am i still bullying? Please let me know in the comments.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
The Harry Prince continues his glorious rise to the bottom. His grace has already graced the Bar None with his drunken antics and he assures me that we can continue to count on his patronage. He’s told me this in person, through the choice of his new princess consort: Cressida Bonas.
(Note that “Bonas” is UK-speak for “Boners”. As in, “Prince Harry should marry Cressida and take her name so people would call him, “Harry Bone-ahs”.)
The best part about her apart from everything else is that she’s a party animal just like his High – ness.
Now, the Bar None has always been a No H8R zone, and this video as forced me to declare the premises a Bully Free zone as well. The problem is, i’m trying to decide what constitutes bullying, so i’m asking for your help.
Your answers will help me decide who and what i write about in the dregs coming up.
Saint Pauly over at WTF!? Watch the Film has been keeping busy with his reviews as funny as old meat smells.
WTF!? (Watch the Film) Human Centipede 2
WTF!? (Watch the Film) God Bless America
WTF!? (Watch the Film) The Darkest Hour
WTF!? (Watch the Film) Resident Evil: Extinction
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
First off: Just to prove Wolverine came to Yeaman before States…
Final Proof: 2 Shots
You know how you get drunk alone? You sit there on your ratty ass recliner and pound cheap beer so fast your cans don’t have the chance to get warm and your skin tingles with the excitement of the buzz and you honestly believe you’re having fun even if you’re the only one, and you think you’re thinking of all kinds of great shit that you really should be writing down and even if you catch yourself drowsing off towards the end you’re convinced that the night you’re spending means something significant…until you wake up in a puddle of your own piss with the understanding that you’re in the same chair and the same life with the same job and nothing at all you said or thought or did has any consequence on your life. You got ridden right back where you started and and the ride wasn’t all that great, and that drunken night is just like The Wolverine.
Life in the Outhouse…here comes another Full Moon.
Like a minor-storyline comic, it’ll burst your speech bubble
It has come to my attention that Johnny Depp is giving up booze for you. That you are responsible for ending the reign of acting’s most accomplished functional alcoholic is none of my business and not the subject of this letter.
You know me–and if you don’t, i’m the guy who left that stain on your doorstep–i’m no whiner. No, i’m here to declare my love for you in a way Johnny Depp never could (and that’s not a sex reference).
Johnny Boy will give up alcohol for you? So the fuck what? i’ll take up alcohol for you.
Let’s take a moment to think about this. By getting sober, Johnny’s life will become immeasurably better. He’ll feel better, think more clearly, sharpen his acting, augment his fortune, hone his guitar playing, increase his sexual prowess… Every aspect of his existence will improve. “If you stay with me, I promise to succeed more”? What kind of bullshit risk is that?
What i’m offering, Amber, is a real sacrifice.
i’ve been sober for 2 years, 5 months, and 16 days, so i know about the benefits awaiting JD if he goes off the sauce. But if you leave him for me, i promise to fall so hard off the wagon that the repercussions will be felt all over the world. i will give up everything for you, all the clarity, all the happiness, all the security, all the comforts, all the relief, all the courage, all the piece of mind i’ve accumulated since getting sober.
i think you’ll agree, mine is a more shining example of guts than what Johnny is showing.
Think it over, babe, and leave me a comment in the Comments section if you want to fuck up and get fucked up together.
Al K Hall
Unbeknownst to many, Amber dated Yosemite Sam before hooking up with Johnny
There’s hotter shots of her in my drawers, down there. ↓
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly, who gets funnier every time i look at him, has just posted two hilarious reviews on the first two Resident Evil movies over at WTF!? Watch the Film.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall
Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: The Beach Boys – Help Me, Rhonda
[Press 'Play' for what is probably the worst song in the movie but the only one i could find]
Ramblings: His Name is Mud
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with Boy Scouts on a trip? They’re so cute with their little shorts and when they laugh beer comes out of their nose and they wipe it away with their little yellow handkerchiefs and they drink like they do everything else which is earnestly and if you don’t know what that means it means with their heart, it means they do it with unquestioning faith in something other than God, something they haven’t named yet and that’s what they’re searching for with all of their badges and all of their exploring until what they find for the briefest of moments and then lose like their virginity never to get back again is Love because there’s a boy scout minute when all little lads believe in Love more than they believe in booze, boobs and big brothers, more than God, Mom and vacations in summer and Mud captures that instant for one little boychild.
Waiting for a Tidal Wave
i can tell you right now who’s going to like this movie, and that’s guys like me. More specifically, guys who used to be boys like i was. Ridiculously emotional, thin skinned, passionate about everything to the point of blindness where others mistook the fact i was overwhelmed with my own emotions for egoism but really i couldn’t stop feeling enough to make room for anything else.
If you weren’t like that as a kid or if you were never a kid you’ll be able to appreciate Mud as a piece of art but you won’t be able to understand it.
The thing that makes this movie is the actors and not just Matthew McConaughey because he spoke with an accent and not just Reese Witherspoon becasue she’s a hot drunken mess and not just Michael Shannon (who starred in Nichols’ other movie, Take Shelter) because have you seen how fucking cool he is and plus he does a good job acting normal here for once. No, the good actors were also the kids, especially the boys because one of them (Tye Sheridan as Ellis) was a real actor and so he has to be good because it’s his little job but they also had this kid from Arkansas (Jacob Lofland as Neckbone), fresh off the street, and he acted the hell out of his part.
Plus there was Sam Shepard who is an amazing actor and writer and who was probably my first guy crush back when i was a teenager and secure in my heterosexuality with a lifelong crush on Muriel Hemingway that still hasn’t completely gone away. And Michael Shannon rocked his role, and i’m not just saying that because he’s my current guy crush. What i really liked about all the acting going on was that i have been each of these characters at least once in my life and the actors let me identify with all of them.
Johnny Ray done carved himself a whole dock
What about the rest of it?
Jeff Nichols wrote and directed Mud and he did a good job because i was able to sit back and forget i was watching a movie and that’s exactly what a director’s supposed to do. As for the themes, well, there were some and i guess that makes this intellectual or French but the themes weren’t all that complex and there was an ending so it really wasn’t all that French but still it was pretty predictable, like trying a new beer in a frosty mug and the beer is refreshing but in the end all you have left is the same old mug.
But still that was one damn fine glass.
“We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
A couple very pretty girls but because this bad boy was about love and not sex, the girls don’t show anything other than up.
Like i already said, Reese Witherspoon played the female lead in Mud and did a lot with what she had but she didn’t have to do a lot other than look nervous.
Redneck test: Find Reese Witherspoon (Hint: She’s *in front* of the truck)
i got some more shots of her deep in my drawers down below at the bottom of this post.
Also in this movie is Sarah Paulson who i already like because she’s in both seasons of American Horror Story which is the best fucking show on TV bar none (no pun intended) . To make things even better she plays a lesbian in season 2 of that series and to take the cherry off the cake and put it where it belongs [no idea what i mean by that, btw], she’s a lesbian in real life, too.
I bet Sarah and i are fantasizing about the same thing…
She plays Mary Lee, the lead boy’s mother and the worst thing about her performance was that it was so short. And they didn’t let her look like this.
Sarah Paulson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Rounding out the full cast is the wonderful and not at all jail bait Bonnie Sturdivant. She’s 22 and acts her age and better.
There was only one actress whose talent was as permanent as her beauty was lasting and her screen time was fleeting. Barmaids and beerhounds, i give you Kristy Barrington.
For those of you more into mud than dirt, there was Matthew McConaughey. Here he is, deep down in it.
Matthew McConaughey Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i stuck some sexier shots of him in my drawers, at the bottom of this post. Scroll deep down and you’ll find them.
Drink: 1 Shot
Nothing to write home about, much less bore you with here, so let’s make like most of my love and just get it over with.
Father drinks whiskey from a pint bottle flask
RW [Reese Witherspoon] hangs out at a bar drinking Bud Light and flirting with a guy
Empty bottle of fictional whiskey in the dying bonfire at morning
Don’t drink and boat
Rock & Roll: 1 Shot
There were some decent and other not so decent real songs in this movie but i can’t find a trace of them anywhere and i’ve been digging for much longer than i should’ve been because once i get something in my crotch i can’t let go of it until i find it but this time i’m just giving up. And don’t even tell me to look at the OST album because it’s all incidental music and there were some songs with vocals in Mudother than “Help me Rhonda”.
“The necklace will go right here.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Jeff Nichols
Directed by: Jeff Nichols
Bargain hunting in the funiture store
Reese Witherspoon – Juniper
Sarah Paulson – Mary Lee
Bonnie Sturdivant – May Pearl
Kristy Barrington – Princess
Tye Sheridan – Ellis
Jacob Lofland – Neckbone
Matthew McConaughey – Mud
Sam Shepard – Tom Blankenship
Michael Shannon – Galen
There’s a lot i don’t know, for example i don’t know what your problem is, but add this to the short column of shit i do know: i know Amanda Bynes’ problem and, like the cat that we just ran over, it was in front of us all the time.
Amanda Bynes is, like what, 38 years old?—and she doesn’t drink. That, Barmaids and Beerhounds, is enough to drive anyone batshit crazy.
Hunter S. Thompson said it best (and got paid a shit lot more than me, too) when he said
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
Amanda tweeted her confession soon after the police fished her out of her apartment for a little catch and release, meaning she was arrested and set free in a little offshoot of “cat and mouse” i call “pussy and mousy”, in which Amanda plays both parts.
“Does she drink?”
“Does she drink?” is the wrong question because the right question is “Does it matter?” and i’m so generous i’ll even tell you the answer and the answer is, “No, it does not fucking matter.” It doesn’t fucking matter because whatever Amanda Good-Bynes is doing or not doing is derailing that train wreck.
Exhibit ‘A’ for ‘A’manda before:
Amanda Bynes Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Exhibit ‘B’ for ‘B’ynes after:
One Hot Mess
Pictures puke louder than words…
And while i’m hanging paper here, i found out Google who hates me and wants the Bar None to close down forever by giving all my patronizers the wrong directions on getting here has credited a phishing site with a wallpaper i stole photos for with my own fingers and made my own self on my own computer and posted here first. i’m putting it up again here as a way to piss on it to mark my territory.
Amanda Bynes drunk at the Bar None wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
So here’s the bottom line @Amanda Bynes
Amanda Bynes, you seem like a good kid who’s been tossed into the arena with tons of lions and all they gave you to defend yourself was way more money and time than you could handle. Unfortunately, throwing money at the lions doesn’t seem to be working, and the crazy you’re baking is only making them hungrier and scaring away the fans in the stands you already had.
The secret to killing the lions is not to fight them. It’s to turn your back to them, turn off your computer, go far away to someplace safe and close your eyes until those lions are hungry enough that they attack some other poor sweet starlette who’s easier.
i really do wish you the best,
Al K Hall
PS You’re nose is super cute, i wouldn’t change a thing.
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly, who makes me laugh for all the wrong reasons, posted another one of his funny reviews over at WTF!
Reese Witherspoon Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
What’s worse than being famous? A lot of things are worse than being famous. What’s worse than being drunk? A whole of a lot is worse than being drunk. But what’s worse than being drunk and famous together? Ooh, that’s another drunkalog and if you don’t believe me, i totally understand because i’m one lying somebitch. So you should go ask Reese Witherspoon.
Directly from the Bar None juiced-box (see? there i go lying again) and dedicated to “Peewee” Reese (totally not a lie this time): Destiny’s Child – Say My Name
[Press 'Play' for Witherspoon's "Do you know who I am?" song]
Here’s what’s not news. Reese Witherspoon’s husband got pulled over for drunk driving. Who the fuck cares? It’s not even Reese’s piece that got arrested herself it’s her goofy ass husband. Only a little more newsy is that she started threatening the officer because she’s famous but you can’t blame her because we all do it (wait, don’t we?). You also can’t blame her that it didn’t work, because every time i tell some cop not to bust me because i’m Reese Witherspoon, he always does anyway.
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
Besides, this stopped being news when Reese was all cool and apologized and was really humble and talked about her kids. You know me (and if you don’t, i’m not cleaning that up), as an alcoholic in recovery this kind of share always makes me wet and by ‘wet’ i mean ‘teary’ (perv…it’s the pictures i post of her that make me wet).
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
You know what the real news is? Watch that TMZ video up there i stole off of YouTube. Did you see what her husband did there? Exactly! Fucking Nothing! He just stood there with his mouth hanging open while his wife gets taken out like garbage. It was me, i’d be telling her to shut her Reese Witherspoon ass up and sit it back down in the car. Or, and this is only on a good day, i start telling the cop to go back away and easy on my wife or else i’mma barbecue his bacon and eat it while he watches, but jesus, you gotta do something, am i right?
Reese, babe, if you want to be with a real man who’ll stand up for you, call me, you have my number (it’s on the wall of every Ladies Room stall in every police station in Georgia).
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
Bar None Dregs
Bet you didn’t know my frenemesis Saint Pauly posted another on of his things that made me smile over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time he takes the piss out of The Day.